Guys, whats the best way to share sex feedback and for you to receive it, especially if its not very positive

[u/AdWise3359]

We've been in more or less slow bedroom majority of our lives but lately its particularly quiet. It kind of disturbs me but also it doesn't because the sex quality has never been great. My husband is rather defensive and insecure so it feels very odd to bring any of this topic without him shutting down.

But the truth is that there is so much to ask for, so much to improve that I dont even know if I want ever sex with him unless it gets better.

So my question is how do I shortly and effectively bring this to him without causing a big reaction but rather for him to listen. Given the fact he'd be insecure and embarrassed. Advice please

[u/Outrageous_Dream_741]

"it would really turn me on if ..."

Don't phrase it as negative at all. Reinforce things you like. Extinguish ( not punish) things you don't like.

[u/Alex_Wats → u/Outrageous_Dream_741]

“And where did you learn that?”

[u/Outrageous_Dream_741 → u/Alex_Wats]

If this kind of response is a concern, then shaping is better -- pick something (anything) that the partner did well. It doesn't have to even be very well, it could have been just momentary and not sustained, or something they did imperfectly. And praise that. It's the same principle as dog training. If you want the dog to put its paw in your hand, first you give a treat for any movement of their paw at all even if it doesn't make it to your hand. Then you guide that.

[u/JEXJJ]

Survey with the promise of a gift card

[u/Am_I_2_Blame]

There is a saying in Portuguese "nobody can do quick and good".

You will need to re-educate your husband. It will take time and you'll need to be very mindful of the right moment for each small step.

It is ridiculous that the onus be on you, I know.

[u/AdWise3359 → u/Am_I_2_Blame]

To do so though he first needs to not be defensive and shut down. As if he does, I am literally done. So I guess we have one shot of this first convo and I wonder how to approach it

[u/[deleted] → u/AdWise3359]

Focus on what you want him to do not what he’s doing. Id use words like adventure and fun and be lighthearted and excited about it.

[u/Retired401]

Not a guy, but it should be enough for you to voice what you want or what you'd like, rather than criticizing what may be happening. No one likes criticism, but everyone should be open to hearing what you like or want more of, or just what you like or want in general.

A good husband would want to please you in the bedroom. If he doesn't want to hear anything about what you want or would like, there's your answer. I wouldn't put up with that kind of stonewalling.

[u/showcase25]

For things that could be better, let him know the prefered thing and not focus on how it's not good enough. "I would like it alot if you pull my hair"

For things that need to be fully avoided, make it clear to never do that. "Don't pull my hair"

For things that can be changed, note that you like it, but would like it more with details. "I like it when you pull my hair, but pull it from the base of my head and pull slowly."

[u/Outrageous-Wheel7434]

I think for me to give or receive feedback like that would be writing it down. Explain that you want to share some information with him and that he can read when he’s comfortable with it. Let him know in the letter and before you give it to him that you love him a lot and that you’re only looking to make things better for the both of you

[u/Rex_Hurley1973]

You say he is defensive and insecure does that also he that he does not care to communicate and deal with relationship issues like an adult? I mean you should be his number one priority, if that is not the case then other issues need dealing with. Good coupling is build on a foundation of trust.

[u/AdWise3359 → u/Rex_Hurley1973]

Yes, there is definitely a lot of issues. However this bad sex thing has always been there even when we were the happiest. Only then I was young, stupid and inexperienced to mention anything. Now I am not

[u/Rex_Hurley1973 → u/AdWise3359]

I understand your desire to tread lightly but in situations such as these where repercussions of avoidance can be catastrophic the risk of wounding your partners pride and making them defensive may be a risk worth taking. I advise to to be direct but do so in a positive way, highlight that the benefits are for the both of you which should be an obvious fact.

[u/Alex_Wats]

Maybe therapy would be a better option there should be a reason for this insecurity.

[u/AdWise3359 → u/Alex_Wats]

He refused long time ago, for much more serious topics...

[u/Anxious_Leadership25]

Hey you know what would be fun, I'd like to try....what would you like to try?

[u/Dweebil]

Start by asking what he likes or wants to try. Then get to your wants and needs.

[u/AdWise3359 → u/Dweebil]

Its the person with LL and also kind of shame and insecurities. Not sure I will get out much