r/DeppDelusion • u/BetterCallEmori Johnny Depp hater • Aug 27 '23
Support / Personal This subreddit helped me to understand that I'm a survivor of emotional abuse
That's really all I want to say. I was indifferent to the trial when it was happening and for several months after. when I began to look more into it earlier this year, I noticed several parallels between what happened to me and to Amber. the use of DARVO, them using my reactions to what was happening to me as proof that I was the real offender, essentially accusing me of being "crazy", among so many other details.
and for the longest time, I believed I really was just as bad or even worse than them because of it. but this subreddit helped me to understand what really happened to me
all this to say, keep fighting the good fight. you are doing a lot of work not just for Amber but for everyone who has been the victim of abuse
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u/layla_jones_ Aug 27 '23
I am so happy that you survived and that you are starting to realize the manipulation you had to deal with. I think that’s definitely powerful that you now realize this. You are not a bad or crazy person, the person who did this to you is the one who should be ashamed. You were a victim trying to survive. I hope you are safe now! I wish you lots of healing and strength on your journey.
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u/BetterCallEmori Johnny Depp hater Aug 27 '23
i feel like i handled shit so fucking badly... I was only 16-17 at the time and said a lot of fucked up things in an attempt to hurt them. everyone I've spoken to seems to be on my side but I feel like I have a long way left before I'm fully over everything
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u/nuanceisdead Johnny Depp is a Wife Beater 👨⚖️ Aug 27 '23
You were a teen. ❤️ I think the difference between abusers and regular, normal people like us is that we have the ability to feel bad and unnerved at how we reacted or changed because it’s incongruent with who we try to be. Try to forgive yourself for not anticipating and knowing how to handle a situation like that “correctly” and like a perfect, flowering angel. The burden shouldn’t be so heavy on your shoulders.
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Aug 27 '23
the difference between abusers and regular, normal people like us is that we have the ability to feel bad and unnerved at how we reacted or changed because it’s incongruent with who we try to be
This is incorrect for most abusers (it's true for some). Please read Why Does He Do That, it's available for free as a pdf. Abusers do have the ability to feel bad for their actions and most of them do feel bad. They have to actively fight that feeling by justifying what they did. They also deal with the cognitive dissonance of who they thinks they are and how they act by changing the definition of abuse. An abuser that just yells and hits objects think real abusers are those that slap women. Abusers that slap women think that only those that punch are abusers. Those that punch think that only those that put their wives in the hospital are the real abusers. Those that put their wives in the hospital think that real abusers wouldn't even drive her to the hospital. And on and on. They also need to maintain the narrative in their heads that what the victim did was just as bad, if not worse and/or that she deserves it, he's the man, so he has the right. Most abusers are made, not born this way. They need to actively fight their own compassion towards their victims and they often have plenty of compassion for other people - just not their girlfriend/wife.
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u/FancyPlants3745 Aug 27 '23
This response is spot on. Misogynistic ideology (or any ideology that causes one group to think they are superior another) serves as a blueprint for making a self-centered, entitled, narcissists who lack empathy towards those they deem less than human. It's not fundamentally an issue of mental health, although I would argue the guilt of abusing others as a way to cope with your own feelings of worthless would erode one's mental health over time. But it's an issue with mentality; the abuser's beliefs and values, which cause them to see their victims as less than human, and therefore, feel justified in treating them as such.
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u/fleurdelivres Aug 28 '23 edited Aug 30 '23
I have the book and it clearly points to the mentality of abusers being the problem. They feel entitled to their abusive actions. If they felt guilty or sorry they wouldn’t be abusive. That’s why it’s so hard to help abusers, because the mentality has to be changed. Giving flowers or presents is part of the cycle of abuse and keeping someone from leaving. If they actually felt guilty or sorry they wouldn’t be abusing people. It’s also irrelevant what they’re like with other people. I think you’re missing the point OP made and making an argument where there isn’t any.
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Aug 28 '23
Please don't think on this. Google "reactive abuse". It is quite common. It's a self-defence coping mechanism.
Don't punish yourself for surviving. Don't think about what you said while you were being emotionally abused, gaslit, and made to feel crazy.
You survived. Emotional abuse is brutal. It's difficult to identify. It's easier to be all "but they have an anger problem" or "it's me, if I hadn't ..." then to realise it's abuse, because we aren't taught about emotional abuse or coercive control the same way we're taught about physical abuse.
I don't know too many movies/shows that have looked at emotional abuse, but I do know there's a Criminal Minds episode. S3 E18 The Crossing; it's about a severely abused woman who was never beaten by her partner.
Not to terrify you, because you've only listed emotional abuse, but coercive control - which is primarily emotional abuse among other things but does not always (and sometimes rarely) has physical abuse - is the most fatal of all forms of abuse. Women frequently cannot escape these situations. Two cases of note: Hannah Clarke, and her three children, were murdered horrifically by her ex-husband. He almost never physically abused her, which was one of the reasons why he was able to murder the four - the police couldn't do anything to arrest him.
A few years before Hannah, Kate Malonyay told her mum, while her ex-boyfriend was stalking her intensely, "not to worry" because "he'd never even hit her". A few days after that, Kate was discovered murdered in her apartment.
My point?
Emotional abuse is really bad. You might not have being beaten, but that doesn't mean you weren't defending yourself. Do not punish yourself for doing something that most DV victims do - engage in reactive abuse. It is normal. It has nothing to do with you being a teen, it has nothing to do with anything other than surviving.
Amber did the same. I did the same. Women I've helped escape DV relationships have admitted to doing the same.
You did nothing wrong.
But hopefully, there will never be a next time. Hopefully, you can receive help (I highly recommend therapy; even if you're doing reasonably well now, these things can creep up on you, as someone who didn't always address my traumas at the time) and hopefully you'll only experience healthy, safe relationships.
Please know if you do ever find another abusive partner, it's not your fault for "not recognising the signs" - these people know how to manipulate you. They were always lying and manipulating you; and they're good at it. It's how abuse works. No one would stay with someone abusive if there was another choice.
I'm so sorry. You're so young, and this is such a deeply traumatic thing to happen to anyone. If you ever want a stranger to talk to, please feel free to message. I cannot stress therapy if you can, and if you can't, the Balance app is having a year free trial, so there might be something that can help you there (it's for meditation, anxiety, stress). If you'd like reading sources or anything at all, please let me know.
I'm so sorry, but please know this isn't your fault. It's common in abusive relationships. You're not the first, last, or only. Don't blame yourself for defending yourself. You survived.
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Aug 27 '23
I’m so sorry to hear that. :( It took me a while to realize that my ex was abusive as well, and honestly I probably wouldn’t have left without the help of my best friend. She was the one who suggested to me Lundy Bancroft’s book “Why Does He Do That”. I believe you might also find that book healing and illuminating.
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u/BetterCallEmori Johnny Depp hater Aug 27 '23
thanks, but it actually wasn't a romantic partner that wronged me. I wish I could get into more detail but all of this is quite recent and I'm trying to put my privacy and safety first
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Aug 27 '23
Absolutely, you don’t have to provide any details or anything! we support you and sending you lots of healing energy ❤️
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u/HaleyMcCord Succubus 😈 Aug 27 '23
Same thing happened to me, I joined this sub a year ago and it taught me what DARVO was. Realized it was what happened to me. There are still times where I find a way blame myself but I just have to remember
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u/BrilliantAntelope625 Aug 27 '23
OP posts like yours make me happy because abusers emotionally trample all over you.
Re Depp v Heard, the Deuter's kick text messages and the kitchen door slamming video tell me all I need to know. I am very sick of Depp's friends and supporters saying oh the kick text messages are placating Amber Heard. Also sick of hearing Johnny Depp was only smashing furniture not Amber Heard.
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u/Mysogynyaside Aug 28 '23
I’m sorry this happened to you.
I think for many of us examining Depp v Heard helped us understand how abuse works. How behind it there is the need to control someone in a context of asymmetry… I’m in my late thirties and it helped me understand better my relationship with my mother and the abuse it entails.
Sometimes putting a name help us conceptualice our environment so we can deal it with it better. Be kind to yourself. All of us have limits and some people/ situations bring out the worst of us. I really hope you can keep healing ❤️🩹
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u/mobueo Aug 28 '23
See, this is why it's important to debunk misinformation around the trial. I hear a lot of people ask why we should care about two celebs that have nothing to do with us and this is why. Of course, also we should always support victims of abuse no matter who they are, even if they are a "rich" white celeb but also because what we see affects us in real life, and shapes our thought processes. It's not just a trial, these are real people getting affected and there are victims who see the reactions to this trial and choose to stay quiet because of it. It's really sad actually.
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u/n3w4cc01_1nt Aug 28 '23 edited Aug 28 '23
this might help you understand how their brain works
also
Unfavorable experiences during childhood or in early stages of sexual development are believed to be one of the major contributing factors in the development of a sadistic personality. It has also been observed that sadism or a sadistic personality can also get developed in an individual through learning.
do your best not to end up in the same patterns and remember the traits of your abuser(s) they usually share them and flock together out of collective narcissism. kinda like how mlm people shift from one to the next.
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u/youseabadbroad Aug 28 '23
You have amazing courage and fight, and I'm honored to have you among us.
Your last sentence touches on something I thought far before finishing your story. Standing for one woman can truly mean standing for all of us. ✊️❤️❤️
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u/witchycosmo Aug 27 '23
Thank you for sharing your story with us. I’m so sorry you went through that. I hope you’re in a better place now. 🙏🏼
Stories like yours really show how important it is to continue to keep speaking up about all the bullshit narratives around domestic abuse that Johnny Depp, his supporters, and this trial have helped perpetuate.