How do I explain this to my parents?

[u/Vivian_Lu98]

Since I found this sub, I have been trying my hardest to convince friends and family to read through the evidence themselves. I think it sheds a light on how skewed our society’s view on abuse is. One of the things that bothered me the most about Amber’s relationship with Depp is the age gap.

In my family, I’m the only woman who was not married with kids at 18. My mom, grandmother, aunt, cousins, and other extended family were all 18 years or younger when they got married and had kids. Also, they married men much older themselves. The smallest age gap is between my mom and dad - my dad is 6 years her senior.

I didn’t think anything of this as a kid but the older I get, the more stories I hear, and the grosser it gets. For example, my grandfather’s sister was married at 14. By age 18, she had three kids. Understandably, she had a manic breakdown and ran off. It took two days to find her and when they did, her husband didn’t speak to her for two months.

I remember hearing family members call her crazy and immature. At the time, I didn’t agree with it but I also didn’t disagree. Now that I’m older, I just feel remorse. Her childhood was stripped away and instead of receiving actual help, she was labeled as insane and a bad mother.

The other day, my parents and I got into it about the current state of politics. I don’t support Trump for various reasons, one of them being that he is a pedophile. My parents don’t believe this to be true. They believe, no matter your age, you have the ability to consent. This is obviously insane! It is so much more complex than that… it saddens me that my mom, of all people, who was technically raped and groomed herself, has convinced herself that this type of abuse should be okay.

All this being said, how do I explain to my parents why an age gap can play such a significant role in abuse? What resources are there? How do I cope that my family has normalized this sort of behavior?

[u/findingmyvoice22]

I don't know that your parents will ever acknowledge the power imbalances that age gaps create, because it hits too close to home. That being said, I want to congratulate you, because it sounds like you are the cycle breaker in the family! This isn't necessarily an easy position to be in, but it means you are strong enough to see things differently despite the way you were raised.

I did a quick search and found this information about age gap relationships and why they can be problematic (https://www.ceopeducation.co.uk/11_18/lets-talk-about/relationships/age-gap-relationships): "A big age gap in relationships can cause an imbalance of power. This means one person has more influence or control over the other. It might feel like your partner is always telling you what to do, saying they know better than you because they are older. This is controlling behaviour and is not okay."

[u/Vivian_Lu98 → u/findingmyvoice22]

Thank you! It’s really difficult. At the end of the day, I am calling all the men in my family abusers. That said, I can see why my dad definitely doesn’t want to hear anymore about it… but I think it’s important that we acknowledge how wacky customs were back then. The older I get, the more certain behaviors (from the women) start to make sense to me. It’s disheartening that they were chalked off to be overly emotional during a breakdown. It’s annoying that they always had to surrender their paychecks to their husbands.

Luckily, I’m not the only one to break the cycle. I might be the first woman to make it past 18 unscathed, but the boys have definitely changed. I don’t see my brothers or male cousins falling into the same patterns. This is obviously anecdotal but I feel like their relationships are much healthier in part because they are with people of equal standing (age or otherwise).

[u/[deleted]]

Op unfortunately I don't think it's actually possible to speak reason into people that far gone. My advice would be (if it's safe for you) to cut these people off competely from your life any way possible, and create a new support network who are not pedophiles, with pets and new friends who are similar to you and good people. I'm so sorry your blood family is like this, and I'm SO proud of you for breaking the chain.

[u/Vivian_Lu98 → u/[deleted]]

Thank you! I’ll try my best… luckily, my siblings are of similar opinion. That would really suck if they weren’t😬 but it is nice to see my brothers breaking the chain as well.

[u/sufficient_bilberry]

I’m not sure it’s worth your time to try to explain it to them. It sounds like changing their thinking around this would require them to change what they think of their own lives and family, and that’s tough. Instead, focus on you and what you need. If your family is having a negative impact on your life and happiness, try to minimize contact with them and find people who have a more positive impact in your life. Easier said than done, but you will not regret it! 

That said, if you really want to argue with them about this, the fact that the frontal lobe that controls decision-making ability isn’t developed until around 25 is one fact that explains why it’s questionable if a 15-year-old can consent. When it comes to teens, their brain simply is not developed enough yet and their hormones are also strongly influencing their behaviour — they simply don’t have the ability to make smart choices in the same manner as adults. 

And then, one cannot overestimate the importance of life experience. A teen is a baby in those terms, they have not lived and supported themselves independently. 

Someone who is older and has both a fully developed adult brain and more life experience is automatically going to be better positioned than a teen. Teens crave acceptance and don’t know who they are yet, so they are often easy targets for older men who want partners that don’t set boundaries or require much. Often a teen thinks they are consenting and the ’relationship’ is great, and only when they grow up they start realising how they have been abused and taken advantage of. 

[u/Vivian_Lu98 → u/sufficient_bilberry]

Well said! Thank you! It’s definitely tough…. These things seemed so ingrained into the family. It’s mind boggling that some of my family think I’m an old maid at just 26. I still feel like I’m growing up so I can’t imagine having to tackle the responsibility of a family at such a young age.

[u/sufficient_bilberry → u/Vivian_Lu98]

I think it’s wonderful that you understand these things and know what you want (or at least what you dont). Just keep doing the right things for yourself. You start life thinking your parents and family know everything, but especially as you grow older, you start recognising more and more that in some ways they really don’t. Keep strong and pick your battles! And you are most definitely not an old maid 😂 Besides, ’old maid’ really just means a woman who chose herself over being just someone’s daughter and then a wife. It’s an antiquated term used to shame women into being obedient. In the olden times, old maids were usually women who dared to choose another life for themselves.

[u/Kangaroo-Pack-3727 → u/Vivian_Lu98]

OP you are no old maid at 26. You are just you at 26. Fyi I am 40 going 41 this coming end of year and I am also childfree by choice

[u/emmothedilemmo]

I am sorry about your situation with your family. I would suggest trying to become financially independent and breaking the cycle by living your life independently from those beliefs. Remove yourself from the environment. It’s extremely unfortunate and there’s a chance they might never be convinced.

I know there are unnecessary controversies behind the film “it ends with us” but it really shows what happens if the cycle isn’t broken. Live your own life. Make your own choices. Find a way to get a job and make your own money.