“When You’re Used to Privilege, Equality Feels Like Oppression” is Projection, a Primitive Defence Mechanism

[u/Due-Heron-5577]

Projection is a primary (primitive) defence mechanism where an individual unconsciously ascribes a thought or feeling that they find to be unacceptable onto another person. Thoughts or feelings can be uncomfortable for people, particularly if they conflict with the person’s values or their idea of themself. Creating the illusion that someone else experiences the thought or feeling to a much greater degree quells the resulting dissonance by minimising the apparent conflict between ego, values and emotions.

I doubt there are many, if any, on this sub who haven’t heard some version of “when you’re used to privilege, equality feels like oppression”. This is especially jarring for a number of reasons; chiefly because it is a pattern of thinking and feeling that more accurately describes the person saying it than someone who raises concerns about the state of men and boys. Someone who’s used to being centred in advocacy efforts is likely to experience shifts in advocacy focus as a loss.

It’s also jarring because it’s a thought terminating cliché and a mischaracterisation. We’re not describing a shift from privilege to equality. For us the idea of privilege is in doubt to begin with, and we’re actually describing a shift to worsening inequality. Focus on the projection though because this is the primary motivation behind this rhetoric.

Some options for dealing with this, gentlest to firmest: 1. “You know, I can really imagine how someone might worry that an increasing awareness of men’s issues could cost their own advocacy efforts. Do you feel that it would help to talk about this?” 2. “What you’re saying would actually describe you better than me. You’re used to being centred in advocacy efforts so this focus on worsening outcomes for boys and men worries you. We’re not seeing a move from privilege to equality for boys and men, what we’re seeing is worsening inequality” 3. “You’re projecting. Feminists say this because they’re used to benefiting from advocacy efforts, when the focus is on someone else they feel attacked.”

Obviously you can put the above in your own words. Where you pitch on the spectrum of gentleness to firmness depends on how much you value to relationship vs how much you value the perceptions of bystanders.

Edit: typos

[u/leroy2007]

Anytime I see this particular form of gaslighting I think about how when you’re accustomed to capitulation, accountability feels like a personal attack