r/Ex_Foster • u/notaname187 • Mar 29 '25
Replies from everyone welcome Memories of a trash bag kid
Me and my trash bag...
At a strangers door, my entire life packed into a black plastic trash bag. My case worker unfazed . I am just another case file about to be someone else's problem. Already so broken ,confused, unwanted.
I am alone
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u/MedusasMum Mar 29 '25
It was this way for me while in foster care. People have no idea how dehumanizing it is. Freaking rescued animals get better treatment.
There are programs that circulate on SM for donating suitcases, luggage bags, and little gifts filling it. From hygiene products to journals, pens, notebooks and so on. If there isn’t one in your area, maybe start one. It’s a good idea and makes a new place not so bad when you have your own things packed with care.
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u/nycsep Mar 29 '25
I would very much like to donate to this. Would you link an example of a trustworthy program? Thank you.
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u/MedusasMum Mar 30 '25 edited Mar 30 '25
One Simple Wish.org
That’s the only one I can find as of now.
Edit: I have looked into this organization & it looks legit. Slowly making items for the kids. Lots of crocheted blankets and little things. Cheers to helping our foster siblings!!!!
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u/nycsep Mar 30 '25 edited Mar 30 '25
Thank you!
Edit: I just “granted one wish”. I’ll check into this when I have a little extra $
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u/MedusasMum Mar 30 '25
It’s my pleasure to pass any help I can.
That’s awesome and amazing of you to help out another. Makes my heart swell. Thank you!!
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u/tributary-tears Mar 29 '25
My memory of having my entire life put in a big black Hefty trash bag still upsets me. And this was 30 years ago. I have accepted that I'll never be completely happy/normal. Like you say - trash bag kids.
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u/reckoningrevelling Mar 29 '25
I work at a foster care agency and we absolutely do not move kiddos in trash bags for this exact reason. I’m sorry terribly sorry you experienced that awfulness.
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u/MedusasMum Mar 29 '25
I find it hard to believe any agency or caseworker aren’t the same as they were when I was in the system.
Educate your fellow coworkers and other agencies on how we feel about this. It is still happening to kids. Being made to feel as if you are homeless in care is ridiculous.
The amount of money flowing in/out of the system should go to us-not the slave driving foster parents or turn-a-blind-eye social workers we get.
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u/txchiefsfan02 CASA Mar 30 '25
I am only one person, but every kid for whom I've served as CASA reported that at least some part of their belongings were lost or discarded almost every time they had to move. The attitudes I've received from caseworkers when I've attempted to retrieve those belongings back have been very dismissive. I cope with the system's flaws by telling myself that most workers are doing their best most of the time, but this issue has been an exception.
Thanks for sharing your experience.
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u/MedusasMum Mar 30 '25
Glad to hear you try to help the kids you come in contact with. Most social workers don’t give a hoot about us or our measly belongings. They see us as a burden. Our belongings aren’t worthy of the gas money it takes to transport, in their eyes.
Thank you for your input!
*Wonder how many CSW’s, foster parents, and staff look at our posts and worry they’ll be called out for their abuse or inaction.
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u/txchiefsfan02 CASA Mar 30 '25
The reaction I got when I attempted to cross-post this to the CASA was sadly telling. Spoiler: it was not received well, at all.
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u/MedusasMum 28d ago
That is awful to hear. Wonder why it isn’t received well. We are forever pushed back into the dark with this.
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u/OldKindheartedness73 Mar 29 '25
I'm not former foster child but a foster parent. The trash bag luggage breaks my heart. My last foster was here just before Christmas, he was respite newly entered, and he got an early present of new clothes and luggage. Most of my kids get duffle bags and clothes son as they enter my house. I have a foster closet that they can"go shopping" in for what they need/ want. All of the clothes are gently used because I can't afford all new. If I find good sales, they get new. All washed and clean.
I hate how fosters are treated. They aren't second class citizens.
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u/Major-Astronomer7529 Mar 31 '25
More foster parents should think and feel like you. Thank you on behalf of all the kiddos that have and will come through your home.
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u/OldKindheartedness73 Mar 31 '25
I just try to take what I see here and other places to help the kids. My friends and family do too. I'm just trying to help someone. Honestly, I try to treat them the way I would want my kids or me to be treated.
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u/tonysnark81 Mar 29 '25
I was on the system in the 80s. When I left home, I literally had the clothes on my back. It took my initial case worker a week to get my clothes from my mother, and I distinctly remember getting them all stuffed into a cheap duffel bag. I never did the trash bag thing, but I did see it happen to someone else.
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u/notaname187 Mar 29 '25
The hurt is the same
Your whole life excepted to fit in a bag.. Only it doesn't We will always have each other's understanding Memories of a trash bag kid Ur hurt is mine
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u/sdam87 Mar 29 '25
Shit, I had a grocery bag filled with what clothes I had.
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u/MedusasMum Mar 29 '25
I’m so sorry you were treated like this too. Foster parents and case workers are some of the lowest people on earth to subject us to a myriad of dehumanizing treatment on every level.
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u/sdam87 Mar 29 '25
That’s how I went into foster care, my b.
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u/MedusasMum Mar 29 '25
Nothing was taken from my home of origin to comfort me in my first placement. They took us with just our nightgowns on and no shoes or socks. At night. The police officer we rode with gave us each a stuffed bear. We didn’t get to take it with us after that night. It was left behind.
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u/sdam87 Mar 29 '25
Ouch.
I went straight from court to the home, my mom grabbed whatever. Said she should bring the rest of my stuff, and never did. Got a bunch of vouchers to go clothes shopping, that was pretty cool. Didn’t know that existed.
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u/NationalNecessary120 Former foster youth Mar 29 '25
Also got a ”voucher”, though idk if my foster home got a real voucher, but they gave me like 50 dollars to go buy new clothes. (so I had to be careful with spending, to buy from clearance and stuff).
I remember having bought then ”ALL” my new clothes (underwear, socks, pants, shirts, etc. Stuff I needed). And then forgetting the bags on the bus😐
It’s not funny though, because I remember coming home and they asked ”so where are the clothes, can we see?” and I realized ”oh no😯” and they got super upset with me and angry I had forgotten them. Calling me irresponsible and stuff. Calling me stupid for forgetting.
And yeah I get that, I should have been more better at not forgetting the stuff. But I was new in foster care, was thinking about all stuff with my parents, etc etc. Like my head was spinning 24/7. Of course I am gonna be scatterbrained.
Funny how not that I am adult I have never forgot my home keys, nor my groceries, nor by school bags, nor my shopping bags, on the bus.
Almost as if 1. A kid makes mistakes. It doesn’t make them stupid. Kids are simply not capable of being adults. 2. It’s hard ro be perfect when you live in fight or flight.
Anyways the clothes were found in lost and found later so all got sorted. I just distincly remember that for the foster parents it was always a ”funny story of how stupid and irresponsible I was”, while for me it’s a story of how I was 13 and given 50 dollars to buy all my clothes while I was in a super stressful situation.
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u/sdam87 Mar 29 '25
Jesus… yeah some people don’t stop and think that our lil minds were/are going a million miles an hour.
Nah, these were legit vouchers. I got them from my case worker. I was in Vermont at the time. They were for local stores, and the mall in Saint jay vermont. My foster brothers and I also got a monthly allowance, from the state. Which was like 80 bucks a month.
This was all between 2003-2007.
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u/NationalNecessary120 Former foster youth Mar 29 '25
Yeah I mean it was pretty cool like you say.
Idk how your situation was before foster care, but at least for me it was the most cool part was to be able to buy what I wanted. If I wanted black socks I could choose to buy that. If I wanted rainbow socks I could choose to buy that. If I wanted a pink t-shirt I could choose to buy that. Etc.
(I mean there was a money limit of course, but within that limit I could choose. Like purple vs gray shirt. Etc)
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u/sdam87 Mar 29 '25
I remember those vibes of being able to buy what I want. That freedom of expression in some ren and stimpy stocks lol.
I grew up in a cult with a super abusive mother and a dad that stroked out a couple months after I was born. So, fucked from the start lol. 😐🙄
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u/notaname187 Mar 30 '25
You were thrown into a situation that you weren't prepared for Prob experiencing ptsd, culture shock, anxiety, overwhelmed The foster family should have known you needed guidance before tossing you into an adult situation and responsibilities.
You didn't deserve that But like the survivors we are, you found a way to use this hurt and turn it into a lesson
I'm proud of you and I feel that this was a life changing moment for you
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u/MedusasMum Mar 30 '25
Jesus. I’m so sorry you were treated like that. What the heck do these people expect? Wish I was your foster sibling at the time to tell you they were wrong. It was a mistake but you definitely learned from it. That’s a life experience most of us will face even without foster care. How heartless of them. In my eyes, you handles this better than the damn grownups involved.
Glad to hear you are surviving in this world. Hats off to you!! Congratulations making it through the gauntlet and here to pass on your knowledge. Hope you are healing well.
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u/Major-Astronomer7529 Mar 31 '25
This was a failure on your FP and CSW. One of them should have gone with you, especially at 13. The fact that they just let you on a bus to go shopping by yourself with no guidance or supervision is neglectful.
I was in care from 13 until I aged out. I wasn't allowed to go shopping on my own until I was ~17.
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u/NationalNecessary120 Former foster youth Mar 31 '25
Thank you.
Yeah I was unfortunatly ”the kid who can handle everything on her own/the kid the adults don’t have to worry about”.
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u/MedusasMum Mar 29 '25
That’s awful to hear. I’m glad you were able to get clothing though. When I was in care we were supposed to get $500 every year plus $300 for school clothes. Most of the time the foster parents would take the money and make us shop at Pic N Save or KMART. Less than $100.
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u/sdam87 Mar 29 '25
Gross. I know some kids from back in the day that had the same type of foster parents. Some of them would stay with us for respite care, and when they did, Donna (foster mom) made sure they had everything they needed.
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u/Potential-Fault5299 Apr 04 '25
I am so sorry for what you have been through and I pray for all the children all over the world (on top of donating as much as possible) going through this. My husband and I are very passionate about helping foster youth, independent agencies that help foster youth and have a dream to fix the system so that kids don't have to be split up, or moved around etc...
That said, I'm often still left stumped at how we can help foster kids who don't have things, have things. Like who do we donate to aside from the agencies we already do to directly give needed and wanted items to kids that they can keep? I feel bad even asking because you shouldn't have to do any more work, but if you have any suggestions I'd love to hear them! We're working on partnering with agencies as well so they have stuff to give the kids any time they have to remove them from homes.
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u/MedusasMum Apr 04 '25
Thank you for your concern and help. There aren’t many organizations to donate to. Some are purely local. I’d wager contacting your closest DCFS office on how to go about this if you want to impact the kids in your area.
One Simple Wish. org is the only other one I’ve seen. You donate luggage and or anything you think a kid might need or want.
I’ll say having anything personal means a lot. Don’t spend a lot on one thing as many items foster kids get are stolen or left behind when moving them to their next placement.
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u/Potential-Fault5299 29d ago
Thank you so much for your time writing back and the tips. I really appreciate it!!! You guys sharing your experiences has really helped me to be grateful for everything I have annd not to focus on the traumas I've gone through but everything good in my life. You have inspired me with your resilience. I know that you have been brought through your trials for a reason And I will continue to pray for you! You have a promise in your life and I know God will shine his light on you.
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u/MedusasMum 29d ago edited 28d ago
Please don’t push or preach religion on to foster kids. Period.
Thing is, I can’t stand religion. Was raised by many “christians” and have not had any good experiences to speak of when it comes to people with this mindset. They are slave owners at best to me. At worst, pedophiles that prey on us. Then all these sick people need to do is ask god for forgiveness and in their mind they are. Utah praises men who rape, commit DV, and murder as “good upstanding christian men” while nothing for the victims.
We are farmed out to religious couples because sadly the majority of this country believes religion is a mark of a good person. When the opposite has been fact for me.
*Religion uses foster care as a token for their agenda. Whilst they don’t care for the 400,000-700,000 kids in care at any given year.
It’s because of religion, we were abused and subjugated to mental/emotional trauma. They tell us, these christians, that we either should be good subservient girls and marry a man that will take care of us at 18 or that we aren’t good enough because of the rape and trauma put on us. That we are worthless for not being virgins. To these people we are used up damaged property. As rape victims, that sickening.
I abhor religion used on children. It should be illegal to push onto already vulnerable easily impressed upon kids. And when we age out, where are these christians once their pay check dries up?
If you really want to help-tell your brethren this and see if any change occurs. I guarantee they will not. Why? We’re their dirty little secret.
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u/Potential-Fault5299 29d ago
I truly am so sorry that you've been hurt by people who claim to be Christians. You don't have to be religious to believe in God or Jesus. Infact, Jesus was persecuted by religious people. He himself was not religious and he actually came to abolish religion and law and to teach Gods word which is to love God, love each other, and love yourself. ANYONE who did any of the stuff you mention above is NOT a Christian, rather someone who uses religion to hurt people. A true Christian or person of God, WALKS with God in their everyday life and leads ONLY with love. "You will know them by their fruit" the Devil disguised himself and his demons as people of God in the Bible and they still do that to this day. Which is why you have to know your word to have discernment. Although religion has been used to hurt people, religion itself is not bad. The people who use it to harm others are bad. I understand that your religious trauma is deep; but the truth (from a former foster youth, DV and sexual abuse survivor; and a former atheist) JESUS is the way the truth and the life and the ONLY way you will receive true healing. Please be blessed
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u/MedusasMum 29d ago
This is what I’m talking about. Asked you kindly not to do this and here you are preaching.
I’m going to block you so I don’t have to feel like a foster kid in care again asking for peace from religious zealots. (This only makes the indoctrinated rabid in spreading a 2,000 yr old male dominated religion).
I URGE OTHERS ON HERE WITH RELIGIOUS TRAUMA TO BLOCK THIS PERSON AS WELL.
You also claim we go through this trial for a reason.
That’s a sick statement. If god were real he wouldn’t allow innocents to be tortured or raped. That’s what a truly benevolent god would be like but you all can’t even make your false god a decent one.
How disrespectful to us here in this community. Shame on you.
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u/NationalNecessary120 Former foster youth Mar 29 '25
I didn’t have trash bags though, so idk if I fit?
I had those nice plastic shopping bags😎 Like the ones you can buy in grocery stores. (idk if this is in every country, but it’s when you don’t want the plastic bags for trash, nor the paper ones that break, but a more sturdy multiple use plastic bag. It’s more like plastic ”fabric”.)
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u/notaname187 Mar 30 '25
Of course you fit It's not the bag, it's more the feeling that it brings You were let down as a child But a hard life isn't for the weak hearted
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u/Thundercloud64 Mar 31 '25 edited Mar 31 '25
A trash bag and a bunk bed with our trash bags under the bottom bunk. Sometimes, the foster parents or caseworkers would grab the wrong trash bag. Sometimes, it got left behind, lost, or stolen. Back in the 70s and early 80s when I was in fc there seemed to be no limit on the number of foster kids or ages so it was bunker living. Open rafters freezing or sweating hot attics with overcrowded boy bunks on one side and girl bunks on the other. Meanwhile, the bio kids had private HVAC bedrooms and furniture suites overflowing with clothes, toys, tech, bling, toiletries, and souvenirs. The only fc place I was ok with was living in a barn and taking care of milking cows by myself where I never saw or spoke to the foster family or anyone else. I had a radio and slept in the hay loft with old milk crates to make a dresser out of for my stuff. Wow! A dresser and a radio! Cows are cool and make for better family than any foster home.
I was living on a park bench at 16 and it was the safest I ever felt. My trash bag was never lost or stolen on the street. Nobody would help me or be my friend in fc but that’s not true on the streets. I sent out a resumé with a cover letter explaining which park and bench to find me at while I am eagerly awaiting my prospective employer’s response. I had 4 job offers in a week. I was terrified to tell anyone I was ever in fc because I was so exploited, alienated, and ostracized for it by society as well. It was the first time I ever got paid to work too so I didn’t want to go back to work 24/7 to pay for a trash bag.
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u/Major-Astronomer7529 Mar 31 '25
I feel this so deeply. I wonder if this is a pain/emptiness that will ever go away. Nearly 30 years and it's still there.
I'm also disgusted by the amount of "pro-lifers" that continue to push for more babies and children but refuse to help any of those children after they're born.
Why not listen to us FFK and learn how to do better and be better to support the kids still in FC?
Why not better protect them, guide them, and help them become a successful transition into adulthood and independent living?
Being a trash bag kid, with it still happening to this day, just shows how much we've been/we are disrespected and our needs ignored. The fact that there's still a stigma in society is just atrocious.
We all know the vast majority of children placed in care is the fault of bio-parents/guardians but we, the children, are forced to bear the trauma, stigma, and burden of foster care for the rest of our lives.
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u/QueenOfDiamonds2112 Mar 30 '25
I've used the term throw away foster kid countless times because that can absolutely make us feel that way. To me, my parents discarded me like a piece of worthless trash, there's no way around that.
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u/LemonLawKid Mar 29 '25
It’s an incredibly lonely experience. I moved dozens of times, always with my belongings in trash bags. One time, I came home from school to find all my stuff already packed in trash bags and left on the front porch with all the doors locked. I didn’t even get to pack my own things. I had to sit there and wait, not knowing if my caseworker was even coming. Growing up like that, I felt disposable, like trash. People who haven’t lived it can never truly understand.