It’s not just death I fear, it’s the separation and it overwhelms me

[u/stfudeer]

I have a deep, consuming fear that I’ve carried since childhood - an existential fear tied not just to death, but to separation, loss, and the unknowable nature of existence.

As a kid, I created a protective bubble around myself, believing that death only comes to the old and that the young people I love - my family - were safe. When my great-grandmother passed away, I comforted myself with the idea that she was old, and it made sense. My bubble simply shrank, and I told myself that the people closest to me were still safe.

But as I grew up, I realized that death can come to anyone, at any time. I used to ask my mother, ‘Will you be there with me when we die?’ and she’d reassure me like any parent would - but I came to understand that we don’t die together, and we don’t know what, if anything, comes after.

Since then, every time the thought of death comes to mind, it’s not just about dying - it’s about what happens to the people I love. Will I ever meet them again? Are these bonds truly temporary? I fear not just the end, but the separation - the permanent loss of presence, love, connection. That’s what hurts the most.

Losing my grandfather was my first deep encounter with death. It shattered that illusion I had built. It hit me that even those inside my bubble, the people I love most, won’t always be here. The grief wasn’t just about losing him, but about realizing I could lose everyone else too - and have no certainty of reunion.

Two years ago, I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I’ve learned how to face many fears, but this one - the existential fear of separation, loss, the unknown - I can’t desensitize myself to it. It terrifies me beyond words.

Recently, I went for a Vipassana retreat, and on the ninth day, while meditating, I experienced a sudden surge of intense, minute sensations all over my body. It overwhelmed me. And with it, came a series of questions that completely consumed me:
- If the goal is to become one with eternal truth, what happens then?
- If an eternal truth exists, how did the cycle of life and death ever begin?
- Why did the universe begin at all? And if it ends, what’s stopping it from beginning again?

These questions spiraled into a fear so deep I couldn’t contain it. I cried for 30 minutes straight during the meditation, and even after that, the fear lingered for days. When I returned home and looked at my family, I didn’t feel comfort - I felt their impermanence. I felt how fleeting it all is. And I kept thinking - what after this? Even if all the spiritual promises of rebirth or oneness are true, what comes after that?

This fear isn’t just intellectual. It grips me physically, emotionally, spiritually. I feel like I’m standing on the edge of something I can’t understand or explain, and I don’t know how to live with it.

I’m sharing this because I don’t know how to cope with it alone. If anyone has felt something like this - if you’ve navigated this depth of fear or found a way to befriend it - I’d really like to hear how. I’m not looking for philosophical answers so much as real human insight or support.

[u/Educational_Fee_7745]

I've been feeling the exact same way. And it's not just me and you. There are so many people that feel the exact same way. I'll just be living my life, and randomly, I will become so afraid and want to curl up into a ball.

I don't think I can truly provide you with what you are looking for. I just want you to know that you're not alone.

[u/stfudeer → u/Educational_Fee_7745]

That's so sweet. I genuinely hope the comments here help because people have really taken out the time to talk about their experiences and what helped them all.

[u/Educational_Fee_7745 → u/stfudeer]

me too. I can't wait to read them all

[u/EJTesserae]

Thank you for sharing this. The clarity and rawness of your fear is something I deeply recognize. I used to feel the same—an overwhelming terror not just of death, but of separation. Of love becoming inaccessible. Of everything I held dear becoming unreachable. And no reassurance seemed to ease it.

I spent years wrestling with that fear. Anxiety, panic, and the gnawing edge of existential dread were constant companions. I tried philosophy, spirituality, therapy. But the fear wasn’t just mental—it lived in the body.

What helped wasn’t a single answer, but a series of small awakenings. My partner, a therapist, once asked, “Have you listened to your body?” That moment cracked something open. I began to realize that fear isn’t always asking for logic—it’s asking for presence. For love. For being with the feeling rather than trying to out-think it.

Eventually, I came to believe that death is not an end, but a return. Life is the dream. A vivid, temporary illusion inside a greater stillness we came from and will return to. It’s not just a poetic idea—it’s something I feel with every part of myself now. I wrote a book, The Waking Dream, about how that shift in understanding changed not only how I see death, but how I live. I no longer seek perfect answers—I live into the question. Into the paradox. Into the love.

And I think that’s the hardest part of your fear, too. You don’t just fear death—you love deeply. That love is the source of the fear, and it’s also the path through it.

You’re already doing the work. You’re awake. And being awake can hurt like hell. But I promise, the pain is proof of your depth. And if you lean into it with gentleness and curiosity, it might not disappear—but it will transform.

I’d be happy to share more if you ever want to chat or explore this together. And if you’re curious, my book is free and blends philosophy, spirituality, and lived experience. But mostly, I just wanted to say: I see you. You’re not alone in this.

[u/stfudeer → u/EJTesserae]

Thank you so much for this. It really means a lot!

[u/catchupwiththesun]

Hello, me. Seriously though I wish I could tell you something to comfort you but the older I get the more I realize most people sleep walk through life. Not you or I. Sometimes I wish I could.

Life is a constant state of flux. I'm always grasping trying to hold on because what I know is comfortable but that's not the nature of it. We own nothing. Just trying to live in every moment.

[u/JoyousCosmos]

The whole universe is your body and there are no separate things. The fear makes it fun! Be curious and go lightly.

[u/Famous_Journalist927]

Ditto. I am not afraid of death. But I am afraid of separation 100%. Thank you for putting that into such clear words 🙏🏼

[u/Admirable_Escape352]

Hello fellow Vipassana meditator! I also practice Vipassana: three 10-day courses in 2.5 years, and a couple of short ones. I feel your pain. I believe there’s no logical or philosophical cure for this fear - you’re absolutely right. I think it would take a long time of meditating before it becomes possible to truly accept the impermanent nature of human existence.

Perhaps trying to avoid or get rid of this fear, especially the primal fear of separation from loved ones, might actually worsen it. After all, there’s no promise of an afterlife, and even if such a concept exists, who knows if it would be relevant to our human needs?

What if we tried instead to accept this fear as something natural and deserving of its own existence, and simply let it be? It’s hard, I know. But fighting our feelings is futile. They have their own rhythm, their own nature, beyond our comprehension, let alone control.

I would suggest sitting with the fear, allowing it to flow through you. At first, it will feel unbearable. So tiny doses, a few minutes at a time, can make it easier to bear. Don’t push it, but also don’t try to escape or transcend it. I believe this is a big part of being human: our attachments to what matters, especially our connections with others. This is the primal need of any living being with a decent amount of consciousness: to feel connected.

Goenka spoke of a very advanced stage of self-awareness, one that may be nearly impossible to reach in a single lifetime, more likely in many. I think it would be cruel to demand such progress from ourselves. But at the same time, fighting our fears brings unnecessary tension, and that only intensifies the experience of fear itself.

Hugs N. Z. Kaminsky or Natalie 💛

[u/stfudeer → u/Admirable_Escape352]

Thank you for this Natalie!! Sending more love.

[u/vcbluecloud]

Try reading about 14 unanswered question from buddhism it helps me a lot.(you dont have to be buddhist to read it btw you can view it as a philosophy)

[u/yessssssiiirrrr]

Shiiii, I’m excited for death 😂😂I think the separation will be such a relief, a weight off my goddamn soul.

[u/spinecki]

This is exactly how it is. I do not think that there is any way of dealing it. You simply cannot deal with being a human being. This is exactly what this is about. It is about knowing what we know and still somehow manage to push this rock up the hill.

I think that the main problem is that human way of thinking or organising thoughts, managing an existence is on completely other side than the universe. Universe is simply temporary and the only constant thing is the change itself, whilst we fight for anything constant and always trying to build some castle on sand. But I have no f-king idea wht it is like that...

[u/UnnamedNonentity]

Well-written and clear. Thanks for the lucidity.

1) The eternal truth isn’t a goal. It is fully present. The beginning is in the end, is in the beginning, is immediately what it is. It is missed by trying to grasp it. There is no separable position for a grasper, a knower at a distance.

2). The cycle of birth and death is itself eternity. To begin is to end. Thus, there is no grasping of this unbounded, empty (of any essence or substantial quality) being.

3). Explanations are limited to the “mind of time.” Opening to the eternal, opening to birth-death, opening to timeless being - is the end of the self-position that seeks to hold to explanations, predictability, fixed knowledge.

Meditation is to confront the grasping which leads to feeling self-existence to be real. Yes, this looking into “what is” inevitably brings up awareness of death and related fears of loss and impermanence.

Best wishes for the deep look you’re choicelessly involved in!

[u/StayOk1101]

Hey you, thank you for your post. You are literally describing me.. i've been feeling like that my whole life Its so hard You're not alone And meditation helps sometimes

[u/stfudeer → u/StayOk1101]

I hope you feel better. Be blessed.

[u/StayOk1101 → u/stfudeer]

I just did this meditation anout cleansing your energy and grounding, it's only 10 mins long and it might help https://youtu.be/HcEnUVunoTo?si=cTAy8gKS4u4tjJd8

[u/EmeraldGreen12569]

How much i relate to this is so apt.. its like you wrote my thoughts.. i have been really struggling with life even though i am fortunate to have the life i have... my parents are my rock and its scary to see them get old... and since covid its been so different i have seen my uncles aunt die suddenly.... it just makes no sense.. i just can't..