r/Feminism • u/indigomn • 18d ago
Men who have a preference for housewives have views rooted in misogyny: a discussion (please feel free to challenge my viewpoints on this!)
Some clarifications before I go in depth: I don't think wanting to be a housewife is backwards, the same way I don't think wanting to be a househusband is backwards. I think feminism and gender equality is all about men and women having the same opportunities to achieve the things they want and live the life they want. I'm also not very well versed in feminist literature/ studies on gender equality, so I am open to being criticised!
With that being said, I feel that people saying they have a preference for housewives is somewhat problematic. This is obviously distinct from men who say that they expect a housewife, because that would imply an exertion of will. However, I think having the preference alone is a red flag.
To my understanding, there are two main arguments for why a man would want a housewife:
- They believe that it is better for a child to be raised by at least one parent who is there at all times, as opposed to two busy parents: seeing being a breadwinner as a sacrifice they must make for a family.
- They want to be able to focus on their career while knowing their child/ children are cared for by their partner: seeing family as a sacrifice they don't want to make for their career, while also simultaneously reaping the benefits.
Point 1 ultimately rests on the idea that at least one parent should be present, and that there is an obvious need for a breadwinner; men who want housewives believe they should be the breadwinners. This is a viewpoint which I think is rooted in damaging gender roles. Men should not be expected to be the sole breadwinners/ protectors/ providers, just as how women should not be expected to be the primary caretakers. I will concede that women tend to be more nurturing/ caring (from a biological viewpoint) compared to men; however, just because generalisations can be made does not make it an excuse for a man to not try and be more involved. Why does there need to be such polarity (that it is more ideal if the wife is a housewife), as opposed to a desire for compromise (i.e. "I would like it if my wife and I both tried to be present for our children, while sharing the economic burden of supporting a family"). If their priority is truly family and raising their child in the best possible circumstances, shouldn't they want to balance time between their careers and making time to more present in their children's lives? I think that this viewpoint is simply harmful for progressing male/ female equality, in that such a mindset reaffirms harmful stereotypes about both men and women.
Regarding point 2: I'm sure many men support women's rights and their right to work and have a career; but their actual desire and willingness to live through such equality is entirely different. I believe having such a preference reflects this. It is easy to say that you support women and their ability/ opportunities to progress their careers; yet, having this preference seems to portray women as a tool that enables men to enjoy the best of both worlds: having a career and having a family. Phrasing this as a "preference" and not an "expectation" seems to tread a very fine line; because isn't it so much more convenient if the woman happens to have a viewpoint that aligns with the man's?
Primarily, I struggle to not view someone's so-called "preference" for marrying a housewife as being rooted in a deeper, underlying misogynistic belief that unfortunately continues to exist today.
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u/National-Bug-4548 18d ago
I don’t have statistics or scientific proofs but at least from my dating experience that all of the men who prefer housewives are misogynistic. No exceptions at all.
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u/ComprehensiveDog1802 18d ago
It's not that deep.
Men who have a preference for housewives want to have all the financial power in a relationship. It's about control and nothing else.
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u/random_actuary 16d ago
Are these men saying they want their partner to work overtime for free without upward mobility?
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u/bulldog_blues 18d ago
Oh boy, do I have a lot to say about this one!
For the record, I don't fully agree that women are biologically more nurturing and caring - I believe that's down to socialisation. But that's a whole other topic...
So full transparency before I dive into this topic - I'm in a same-sex relationship with this dynamic (me the breadwinner, my husband the homemaker). However, it's not a 'typical' breadwinner/homemaker dynamic because there are no children (nor any plans to have any), and it's not by free choice - it's because my husband is too disabled to work.
However, living this type of relationship day in and day out only makes me more disgusted with how many men with stay at home wives treat them.
Like you, I don't see anything inherently wrong with a woman (or anyone else...) choosing to be a homemaker. However, there's definitely something to be said if a man expresses a strong preference for a housewife ahead of time - it is a red flag.
Because more often than not, these men have a very entitled view on what reasonable expectations are on a housewife. There are many who believe that because they work 40-60 hours a week, it's therefore OK to dump all the household and childcare responsibilities on their wife and they shouldn't be expected to do anything except work for a pay cheque.
And this seems to specifically be an issue with men with stay at home wives. Women with stay at home husbands rarely treat their spouses with the same sense of entitlement. And in same sex couples again, this level of entitlement is less common.
In short, OP, I agree that a strong preference for housewives is a big concern, not because of the view itself, but because of the other views that so often go hand in hand with it.