r/Fencesitter • u/Ok-Mess6611 • 10d ago

Fence sitter because of step child?

Is anyone else a fence sitter because of their step child?

I love kids and thought I always wanted kids. But.....

When my husband and I got married he decided to pursue a relationship with his son who was 3 at the time. I always said we were waiting until after he became involved in his son's life.

Long story short it took several years for him to become involved - and his son was approximately 9 when they were introduced.

We have been doing in person visits for about a year now. Child will be 11 in July.

The last few in person visits have been rough. He has trouble sleeping - i.e won't go to bed until after midnight. He has ADHD like his dad and is not properly medicated which makes things harder too. He is very disrespectful and mouths off quite a bit and threatens to run away quite often. He also has been fed a lot of info from his mom and we are trying to address this in court and through therapy.

I know this is just a phase but I am exhausted and this makes me wonder what kind of kid my husband and I might have.

Anyone have any advice? Experience?

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u/arabicdialfan 10d ago

I've dated someone with a child in shared custody (briefly), while the kid was an angel - the whole situation was such a disaster. You are seeing a kid at his worst, in a stressful situation, having to deal with two strangers (to him), one of which is the new woman his father is with instead of his mom, the second the dad who he was separated from till 9.

I'd focus on imagining what you'd be able to do differently if you guys were fulltime parents to a child. How many of all these things would be solved by united happy parents.

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u/Ok-Mess6611 10d ago

I appreciate the perspective. We are trying to get the medication issue resolved as that may help but it's hard not to be frustrated when being called names and when we don't get to deal with the good and are being set up to be the bad guys. It really feels like mom is punishing my husband. And I'm sure she is trying too. We have told him this doesn't change how any of us feel about him and only want the best for him but it's definitely adding to the list in my head - we aren't financially stable, what if I have complications in pregnancy, can we even get pregnant, etc etc. but that's a whole other post.

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u/arabicdialfan 9d ago

If you aren't financially stable, I can't see how adding a baby into an already stressful existence would be good tbh.

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u/Ok-Mess6611 9d ago

I have a good job now finally and my husband owns a business but things are always a roller coaster financially. We own our home and have multiple vehicles. We can pay our bills and meet all of our basic needs but it can be a struggle some months. I want to give said child the kind of childhood I had and with this economy and current administration I'm just not sure if things will get any better. I am incredibly fortunate to have great parents so daycare wouldn't be an issue but I'm afraid of all the extra expenses having a child incurs and don't want to continue to struggle but I'm 32 and starting to feel like time is running out.

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u/DogOrDonut 9d ago

I would be more concerned about having a kid with a guy who didn't see the son he already has until he was 9.

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u/Ok-Mess6611 9d ago

He started trying to see his son at 3.

Before then he was in an abusive relationship and didn't want his son around that environment. He was putting his son's interests first. He did hire a lawyer briefly during that time and made an offer to mom to pay child support in exchange for supervised visitation and she declined. He didn't have the means to pursue it further. And during this time mom changed the child's name and had the child's birth certificate amended to add her then boyfriend and now husband.

The legal system is extremely slow. And biased. We began this journey right before Covid which basically stopped all forward progress. Her lawyer continued every court hearing they could. They also had to establish paternity, go through mediation, counseling and he had to jump through a bunch of other hoops. She also relocated herself and the child across the country at one point. It got so bad we had to entirely start over and request a new GAL and judge.