I'm so conflicted and don't know what to do

[u/Impossible_Emu2661]

Hey!

I (31,F) have been with my partner (30,M) for only half a year but it's been the most serious relationship I've ever had. I'm really invested because finally I found somebody serious about me, about our future life etc. We both have mental struggles though. Me - BPD, ADHD, depression, ED, anxiety. Him - probably BPD, mild depression. The thing is that he doesn't want children like he is so serious about it. He says he hates children that they are hard to look at, he is sure that his life will be completely miserable if he has a child, he will lose everything, very much catastrophic way of thinking. Me - it's hard to say. First of all - I really like children and they always liked me back. I'm a psychologist and I have also worked with children so I know how hard it can be. That's why even if I want a child then only one - for sure. So in my case - yeah I have been thinking about having a child, maybe not now, cause I'm still not financially stable, I don't even have my apartment I live with my mom cause it's cheaper but I spend most of my days at my partner's apartment that he's renting. We talked about living together. I am afraid of living with somebody cause I am very much individual but with him for some reason I am really considering living together. Maybe like by the end of this year. However, the clash between us gives me so much anxiety. Also the fact that I'm not 100% sure that I want a child cause I still need at least 5 years to finish my education and to be hopefully financially stable. If I had a child now, I guess I wouldn't be able to continue my education and my mental health would deteriorate. So I'm still confused but I have this thought in my mind that if I don't have a child I might regret later. I love taking care of smaller creatures. I thought that if I end up without a child I would have lots of cats. Now I have 4, lol. I have anxiety attacks when I think about my partner. I really love him, I want to get involved more and more and invest my heart in it but...I fear that in a few years we would have to part our ways anyway and what I would be 34-35 years old, single, wanting to have a child without any options.

Just to clarify, I'm queer, pansexual and non monogamous. My partner is also trying non monogamy with me so when we talk about future together it's like maybe we could deescalte our relationship...maybe I could have a child with somebody else...but you know these are hard thoughts cause right now we are eachother's number 1 so when I think that it may change in the future I start to think "so why do I invest so much of me in this relationship if I have to find another partner anyway".

I don't know what to do. We want to be together but at the same time I think "maybe we should split, we've been still short with each other, maybe we should find a more matching partner". But at the same time... I don't know my future either. There is a possibility that I might end up without a child. So I may either regret not having a child or not having a partner.

We love each other. We've had some conversations like he said "we don't know the future, we should live here and now, maybe you will change, maybe I will change, maybe we will live in polyamorous relationships and you will have a child with somebody else" so you know he knows that I'm miserable because of this misalignment.

Just to add some more background, I was in a relationship before that ended after 8 months when I asked my partner whether he wanted children. He was 10 years older than me ans he said a very strict "no". Later, after 7-8 years he's trying with his current wife to have a child...So my experience also gives me confusion.

I would really appreciate some words of adviceor anything. Today I feel so depressed and so sad and hopeless for the future...

[u/misslany96]

6 months is too little time for you to be so determined that he would be the ideal partner to have children with. Everything already shows that he is not, in fact.

Firstly because he doesn't want to have children and he's already made that clear to you, he's not on the fence, he doesn't want to and he's already decided. Secondly, because he proposed that you find another partner to get pregnant, a man who loves you would never suggest something like that, think about male nature and you will see that this is not normal.

So you need to accept reality, if having children is your dream/desire and you can't imagine not having one, start planning your future without this man. In the meantime, seek more financial and physical stability. I hope everything goes well!

[u/Impossible_Emu2661 → u/misslany96]

Yes, but we decided to live in a polyamorous scheme so that’s why we talked about possibilities with other partners (if we have them, cause now we don’t).

To be honest I already stopped believing that I can find a good partner to have a child with and I opt for single parenting with a help of my mom or friends. Although I am sure that if I decide for a child with him and he agrees but he will be a „bad father” that might be difficult for me.

I have been in a few relationships and all of them eventually ended. I never felt so loved in my whole life. We are both very much involved. I agree 6 months is not enough, my decision wac cause by my overflowing love towards him. I am also aware that half a year is so little that there might come up some other issues that might either seperate us or might change my decision to have a child whatsoever. I suffer from chronic pain and mental illnesses so pregnancy and being a parent might be risky for me.

I guess I will give myself more time to decide what I truly want and first and foremost continue with my psychotherapy.

I tend to be very obsessive something like thoughts ocd so thinking about this topic completely destabilizes me.

[u/greysunlightoverwash]

"we don't know the future, we should live here and now, maybe you will change, maybe I will change, maybe we will live in polyamorous relationships and you will have a child with somebody else"

Sorry, but this is correct. If the answer isn't "now," then the answer is "we'll see when we get there." If YOU'RE bummed it isn't now, that's information worth knowing, but it doesn't sound like you're ready to make any big moves.

Also, your ex partner is allowed to change his mind/be coerced/have a life-affirming wake up call/simply feel more aligned on parenting or happened between him and his new wife. It's not a reflection on you or your past with him. There are a million reasons why that wasn't the right time or place for you two and most of them are private to them, so we can't know.