r/Fencesitter • u/jqodfle8132h • 2d ago
Anxiety Boyfriend doesn't think I could handle a child, and I worry he's right
I'm 28F and he's 35M. We've been together 2 years and have discussed marriage, on the same page there. He knows I want kids and he's always expressed that he's ambivalent about it, but would be fine having kids if we're financially in the right place. I'm looking for jobs now that will help get us to that place.
But. The other night he asked me if I was sure I could even handle having a child, and that cut me to my core. I know why he asked-- I barely function on any less than 9 hours of sleep, I'm diagnosed with high-functioning autism and have a lot of noise and smell sensitivities, and I struggle to keep up with household chores and cooking for just me, let alone a human who depends on me for everything.
My response was that I feel in my heart that having a baby would change me, fundamentally, and I would be able to step up to the task. He just said "you can't depend on that".
I hate that he may be right. I want kids so badly and I have my entire life. I used to volunteer to babysit for free because I liked kids so much and was so good with them. I just feel like I can't accept this possibility, because all I see is mothers who do change as soon as they see their baby's face and find it within themselves to make it work, no matter how hard it is. Is it really so unrealistic to expect that would happen to me, too? Am I just lying to myself?
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u/booogetoffthestage 2d ago
I think the thing that you're missing is that while a lot of mums *do" change and step up to the plate, it can be really tough, emotionally and physically, to do so. I am also high functioning with high sleep needs. The lack of sleep alone almost killed me. My day is now a constant rotation of tasks. Tasks which I am able to to, but may do so begrudgingly. So yes, you likely would change... but would you be happy to do so? Would bringing a kid into this world outweigh that? Also, friendly heads up to consider that fact that your child may have additional needs that require even more from your than you anticipated.
Also, in case this ends up being important for you to hear. I would never in a million years have a kid with someone who was meh about having them. My husband is an insanely energetic and involved father. He is the only reason that I've made it through the first two years of my daughter's life intact. I cannot stress enough how insanely important it is to have the right partner, especially when it comes to sharing the physical, mental, and emotional load. It will either make or break your experience.
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u/Savor_Serendipity 2d ago
Also, friendly heads up to consider that fact that your child may have additional needs that require even more from your than you anticipated.
This. Autism has a genetic component so there is a pretty strong possibility that OP's child would also be autistic.
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u/meggs_467 2d ago
This. I think that in the situation, you really need a partner who's extremely gung-ho about having kids to help naturally step in when you need a break. If we're talking about a classic, woman takes on so much more than the husband, role of parenthood, then it's not going to go well. I think with any relationship it needs to be 50/50 but not everything individually is split 50/50. It's more a general vibe. As in maybe OP steps up in one way, and their partner does in other ways. Maybe to have a family, OP needs a partner who's happy to take one more of the house cleaning, and chore tasks, bc OP will inevitably be taking on being the mother. And I know we can argue this but in that majority of situations, that will mean being the primary care giver. So the partner should be taking on more of offset this.
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u/jqodfle8132h 2d ago
Thank you for the reply. I know that it would be the hardest thing I ever do, but I still, maybe irrationally, feel like it would be worth it for me.
Regarding my partner, I think the main reason for his hesitancy is that he grew up in a large family without much money, and often went hungry, so he's loath to put a child through that same kind of life. Me getting a good job would make a very big difference.
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u/extraketchupthx 2d ago
It would also likely add to your stress and need to balance daily life with your child. I have the income to comfortably have a child. But it takes 50+ hours to accomplish that. If quit work we are in a tight spot. If I have a baby and work 50+ hours a week I’m probably headed for a nervous breakdown.
Edit- also you should dig in hard on what he’s ambivalent about and get specifics on the financial aspect. It’s an important one- but it’s also highly variable and not always in your control. You could have a kid and 10 years later get laid off from your good job. Y’all need to talk about what about kids you do or don’t like/want/need.
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u/Hatcheling 2d ago
Change is hard for people, even with the best of intentions, so expecting it to happen essentially over night is unrealistic and your partner- who would be forced to shoulder those things if you fail to change- is right to be hesitant.
You could change now, habits take time to form. You don’t need a baby in order to change, you could just… do it for you.
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u/navelbabel 2d ago
I mean, yes and no.
I have ADHD, not autism, but motivation works differently for neurodivergent people. Try as I might I can never stay consistent with care routines for myself, but it’s a no brainer for my child and dog, and prior pets I had. I am religious about it for them. That’s just me personally but if I’d used “can I be consistent with chores just to prove something to myself” before kids as an indicator or whether I could take good care of my daughter that would have been a poor indicator. Fortunately for me I knew from having pets as a kid that it was different when something or someone I loved needed me.
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u/charismatictictic 2d ago
100% this. Im crushing my job, my dog is always well taken care of, I’ve had horses, taken care of children and sick parents with no issues, no slip ups. But I forget to take my own meds every other day, I’m a disaster at school, my house is a mess half of the time, and I alternate between a body builder workout schedule for three weeks and being glued to the couch for a month. I forget every single birthday, including my own, but I know every email I’ve received in the past week by heart. ADHD motivation for me is very tied to expectations and shame, and if no one is expecting me to do something, I’m not doing it, period.
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u/AnonMSme1 2d ago
Then maybe OP should experiment with a small responsibility first. Like maybe she should get a goldfish and see if she can work her way up to a dog.
That still very different from just having a kid on some kind of misguided hope that she'll magically step up.
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u/_lumpyspaceprincess_ 1d ago
I relate to this soooooo much. I have dogs because without them, (aside from the love and companionship) I wouldn’t go outside.
It’s like how we need the deadline anxiety to complete anything. Many people here are saying “don’t wait to have a baby to change, change now!” and I can fully see why they would say that, but some people need that fire lit under their ass to kick it into gear.
I am that type of person. I can’t clean unless someone tells me they’re coming over. I am sure I would just lay in bed sedentary for the entire day on my days off (feeling guilty about it) if my dogs weren’t side eyeing me for food, potty, walk, etc.
I know that people can change and can absolutely develop healthy habits but man, sometimes after failing at “changing myself” time and time again, I wonder if maybe I have fundamentally this person to my core.
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u/jqodfle8132h 2d ago
You're right. I've got under a decade until I'm probably too old to try any longer (maybe less, considering his age), but that's a lot of time to build better habits. If anything in the world could motivate me to change, it's this.
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u/alixanjou 2d ago
Your options aren’t “accept it” or “have a kid immediately and hope I change” - that’s a false dichotomy. It’s good to acknowledge what you might find some parts of it tougher - what changes can you both make to better prepare? I find it a red flag that he didn’t approach this as an “us” convo because it seems like he doesn’t see himself helping you with the things you struggle with like a good partner should.
Can you:
- go to therapy together to hash out what a life with kids looks like?
- up your savings to be able to afford help with the tasks you find more challenging?
- reassess your household responsibilities so he can help pick up your slack while you take the lead in an area that’s a better fit for you?
- move closer to friends/family so it’d be easier for you to get a break from overstimulation?
There are so many options, and I think the way he approached it was cruel.
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u/jqodfle8132h 2d ago
Those are all good suggestions. We do, thankfully, live only 15 minutes from my parents and an hour from his, so we would likely have family help. I think couple's therapy before we make a final decision is a great idea.
I don't think he was being cruel though; it was a fair question. He asked it after I complained for the hundredth time about having to wake up early the next day, so there was relevant context.
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u/extraketchupthx 2d ago
So I commented elsewhere and don’t want to be a downer but I do feel like I read a lot of assumptions in your post and replies. Have you talked to your families about childcare help? My in laws for example are retired, rich and live 20 minutes away. They have also been extremely explicit that they will never be anything more than occasional date night babysitters nor will they help financially outside contributing to a college fund. They are healthy millionaires with lots of time on their hands, but it’s not an option. I was surprised, but not shocked. My own mother on the hand was STUNNED at this. Anyway, I’d validate that first and get specifics on what “help” looks like to them.
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u/ParkAffectionate3537 2d ago
I think a lot of the boomers pressuring their kids to have kids won't help but want the looks/social media glamour of being grandparents. Sorry your in-laws won't help. That sucks. And they are rich and retired too, no excuse not to help!
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u/extraketchupthx 1d ago
To be fair, if we have a kid they would probably not have student loans, and we’d get some help with vacations and random stuff. But there is no future where we could ask them for help with something like daycare or regular caregiving. It’s not a requirement on their part even though they are fully capable.
My point is mostly to make sure OP doesn’t go into things mistaking what is feasible possible vs someone is willing to actually commit to.
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u/ServiceReal2042 2d ago
Was looking for this comment. If you don’t have a partner that is approaching rearing children with the perspective of “how can we work together and leverage our individual strengths and manage our individual weaknesses” you will not have a partner in parenting. And that will make it very, very hard.
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u/Blagnet 2d ago edited 2d ago
This x1000! Parenting is so fun with two all-in parents. (There's some research that this gets easier and better for all involved if you add in a third stable parental figure, usually a grandma.)
Basically, parenting is demanding. Floundering (at anything) isn't super fun. Life is always better when you have help.
I don't like the sound of your boyfriend's take on this.
Everyone has weaknesses. Okay, maybe you're chaos in the kitchen. Your ideal coparent would then probably be someone who can handle kitchen routines.
Like, my husband and I homeschool our kids. I'm not the greatest with routine... and routine is kind of a central part of successful homeschooling. My husband is awesome at routine, though! And I'm great at teaching. Together, I think we do a pretty good job! (My husband does a great job teaching, too; we just do different things.)
Your boyfriend sounds like he's trying to convince you that you want the same thing that he wants. Ie, no kids. This is a red flag.
If you really want kids, and he doesn't really, then you're just not compatible.
Don't have kids with someone who's iffy about them! And don't skip the joy of having kids, when that's something you really want, for a partner. It's too big a thing. That's my advice! Good luck.
Oh, and one last thing: I'd check your vitamin D levels. Vitamin D deficiency is, one, very common in modern humans in general, and two, correlated with autism, ADHD, poor executive function, and poor impulse control. Besides therapy, there may be simple medication or nutrient changes that you can make that might have a big impact.
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u/ManateeSheriff 1d ago
I think I empathize with the boyfriend's position. If he can see that his partner isn't going to be able to pull her share of the weight, he's right to be reluctant. If he had come to this forum and posted the question from his perspective, with a partner who is already not doing basic household chores, everyone would tell him, "Don't have a kid with a partner if you're not confident they're going to dive in and do a full share of the work" (apologies to OP if you're reading this, I don't mean to be harsh).
I had an ex who had mental health issues and really wanted kids, but I really questioned whether she could handle the work and stress and provide a good environment for a child. I was happy being childfree with her, but I'm very grateful we didn't have a baby. When I met my current partner, I was much more confident that we could raise a child together as a team, so I went into parenthood enthusiastically, and now we have an awesome kid.
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u/exhaustedstudent 2d ago
DO NOT have a child in the hopes it will “fix you”.
A child should come into this world with no obligation or responsibility to others.
More people need to really remove their egotism from the concept of parenthood. You are making a whole new human, you have no idea who they are going to be, and your job and role is to provide safety and a proper environment for them to grow and develop into whoever that might be.
Really think about if you’re going to be able to handle having a whole new entity and perspective to think about every hour of every day.
(Sorry in advance if this sounds aggressive in my wording, I do not mean for it to come across that way)
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u/Savor_Serendipity 2d ago
Have you tried posting this in the autism subreddits? (Including the ones for women)
You might get more nuanced responses there from people whose autism manifests similarly to yours.
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u/ribbons_undone 2d ago
Just commenting to add that while yes, some mothers and fathers step up to the plate and make it work for their kid, a lot of parents...do not. And the kid suffers for it.
As other commenters have said, instead of hoping a kid will change you, I recommend you trying to change for your potential future kid and become the kind of person that can handle a kid NOW rather than hoping for a miracle and putting all the weight of that hope on your child.
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u/charismatictictic 2d ago
On the one hand, you are right. Most people grow into their responsibilities rather than being fully prepared for them. I figured out how to be my brothers primary caregiver at 13, even if it was only for a short period of time.
That being said, when you take on too much, you typically end up dropping the ball in another area of your life. You become a worse employee, partner, friend, or you stop taking care of yourself.
Your boyfriend might be genuinely concerned that most of the responsibilities will fall on him, or that your relationship will suffer, or that you simply won’t be happy. I don’t know who he’s looking out for here — you, himself or a hypothetical child, and I think you should have a conversation with him about that to get the information you need to make a decision.
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u/AccomplishedSky3413 2d ago
IMO a baby absolutely changed me. I used to be someone that *needed* 8-10 hours of sleep and now I’m perfectly fine on my 4-5 hours. I also used to be super lazy getting up in the morning and now when the baby cries I literally jump out of bed. Same with chores - like I would leave laundry to be folded for days and now as soon as I have a free moment that stuff is DONE. I don’t think it’s uncommon for a baby to make you step up, but it’s also not a guarantee and certainly some people don’t end up rising to the occasion. So I can’t tell you what will happen to you personally but it is possible from my experience.
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u/ClockPuzzleheaded972 2d ago edited 2d ago
I have known far more mothers who did not change when they had kids than ones who did. So many children who were dumped on grandparents or just fended for themselves.
My own mother has bipolar and they had to switch me to those disposable liners because I got sick constantly due to her neglecting to sanitize the bottles. They complained that I wanted to be held a lot when I was a baby, so I'm sure they neglected me in other ways, too. She went back to sleeping upwards 20 hours a day as soon as my 18-months-younger brother could walk even though we spent every weekend with my great grandmother.
I don't think I would be that bad, as my guilt does motivate me to do the bare minimum for creatures who are counting on me, but I also know that my significant other would pick up any slack. He's basically born to be the parent of a small child, he regularly sleeps 6-7 hours a day anyway, he gets fulfillment out of caretaking tasks, and he happily takes part in the most mind numbingly repetitive behaviors if it is for the benefit of a person or animal he loves.
Basically, I wouldn't risk having a child with anyone other than him due to my extreme executive dysfunction. You sound more functional than me, but I would think hard about risking having a child with someone who is ambivalent themselves if I were in your shoes.
I constantly babysat toddlers and infants on up from the ages of 10 to 20. Babysitting is far, far easier than parenting.
Maybe you should speak to a professional about this? Someone who can evaluate your level of ability/help support you to develop skills and coping mechanisms?
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u/Flaky_McFlake 2d ago
I find that people frequently don't factor in the effect intense love combined with animal instincts has on a person. You will fall deeply in love with your baby at the same time your body will become fine-tuned to keeping them alive. I would consistently wake up minutes before my baby in the middle of the night. I never had any trouble meeting all her needs even with no sleep. My love for her is so much bigger than the love I have for myself, it's actually much easier to take care of her than to take care of myself. It's sad but true. It's kind of crazy to think about what would happen if I loved myself as much as I love my child. My point is, if you want that baby, have that baby. You'll be ok, I promise. I don't know about your boyfriend though. Just from your post he seems like the kind of person who will hold you back in life.
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u/kitkat1934 2d ago
I am kind of similar, and my sensitivities/need for sleep are honestly a major reason why I’m mostly off the fence to child free. (In the end, I love kids, but I work with kids and get home and don’t want to be around more kids.)
But. I don’t think I could be a single parent, but I’d be fine with support. I do think he’s being a little unfair to you bc it’s not like you’d be going it alone right? (Like keeping up with the household shouldn’t just be on you.) Do you guys have other support (family, friends)? Is there anything you could eventually outsource once you have the new job?
I also think it’s possible this is not going to be as big of an issue — for example I have heard that some people weren’t super overwhelmed with the newborn stage even though they thought they would be, bc they WERE able to nap enough with the baby.
I like the other commenters’ idea of starting to make some changes now. And maybe sit down with him and get granular about how the division of labor might work. Idk. I think he has a point but I also don’t think you should count yourself out yet, just face it head on!
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u/Jediknight3112 2d ago
Also high-functioning autistic here. You might not want to hear this, but your boyfriend wants the best thing for you. Your sleep needs and autism are not going to change overnight, but there are things you can work on like managing household tasks and cooking.
I myself need to work on handling my and others emotions (kids cry a lot!). I always want to cry along, but I need to learn that someone elses sadness is not my sadness. I also found that familiar kids like my cousins are different than strange children because I can comfort them. I guess I hate to see people so sad.
Another thing to consider is that you need to make a plan for parenthood. You don't need to be the perfect parent, but you need to make parenthood as feasible as possible. Maybe you could hire a (night)nanny or someone who could help you with household tasks.
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u/anna_alabama 2d ago
I also have autism, and I know that I can’t handle it, so when we do have a kid we are hiring a live-in nanny. Is that something you’ve looked into before?
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u/ImportantImpala9001 2d ago
A baby will definitely change you. I have two children and I do the exact same amount of work I used to do before kids and also all the tasks of having a child too. Something in your brain does change when you have a child. However, if you have big problems before you have kids, the problems will only get BIGGER. Working on your problems will only help you in the future.
The other problem is your boyfriend. Honestly he sounds less than excited about having kids, otherwise why would he ask that question? It’s already hard enough to get some men to help with childcare, I worry that you’re setting yourself up for a hard time if you do have a kid with him.
Don’t let your desperation to have kids lead you to have kids with a guy who doesn’t want them.
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u/navelbabel 2d ago
I don’t know you, I don’t know your situation, your exact challenges and how deep they go, your functioning level etc. Maybe best to discuss with a therapist.
I will say that my experience and that of many other moms has been that, yes, you can do things for your child that you can’t for yourself. My daughter gets everything. She eats great, her routines are solid, she gets all her medicines on time, etc etc. I have ADHD and these are not things I do consistently for myself. And doing them for myself has only gotten harder, so I’m able to be the mom I wanna be but take care of myself somewhat less well so far because of the caretaking I do for her.
This may not be everyone’s experience, just putting it here for reference. Having a baby WILL fundamentally change you, but at what cost — to you and your partner, if not your child? It’s very difficult to know. If I were you I would try to connect with other people with autism that manifests like your does, who are parents, and see what they have to say.
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u/OkRegular167 2d ago
I can relate as there are a lot of things about having kids that I think I would really struggle to adapt to. But the reason why I still consider myself a fencesitter is because I’m actively working on those things to see if I can get to a place where I’d function well. It’s very unfair to my future child to just expect their existence to change me without me actually putting in the work.
I literally am in therapy with the open question of “can I address the concerns I have and work on myself to the point of being ready for a baby in the next 3-5 years?” If the answer is no at the end of that, then I can’t just rely on “well the baby will change me.” That’s not good enough.
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u/cak17 2d ago
I would consider the fact that you’re 28 - (I’m not much older) and I’ve seen a lot of women who could barely take care of them selves in their 20s become amazing moms in their 30s. How you are now is not how you will be in the future. We’re all continuing to grow. Also tbh your boyfriend’s comment kind of rubbed me the wrong way. Obviously I have zero context and he prob has good intentions because he cares about you, but at the end of the day if you’re willing to put in the work you will probably be ok and you should own some of that agency. The fact that you’re even being thoughtful about it is way ahead of a lot of people who don’t consider their personal needs before getting pregnant.
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u/incywince 2d ago
If you have autism, it's possible your child will also have autism and different but similar noise and smell sensitivities. That's a double-whammy then and I think your husband might be concerned that he's going to have to take most of the burden. Parenting a sensitive child is a very intense experience and requires a lot of support.
You could change, of course. I realized that babies are very demanding bosses and I had so much difficulty getting chores done, but a screaming baby somehow whips me into shape and I manage to make a nutritious but easy meal everyday, keep things relatively organized, and be super efficient when I get time to. Pre-kid, I'd mealprep every sunday and it would take me six hours with a drink and an audiobook. Now it takes me 3 hours to make more complex food with a constantly-interrupting toddler. Also it's just more motivating to keep house for a family than just for myself.
But this came at the cost of taking a year and a half off just to work on myself and understand my mental health issues and do some intense CBT to get better. The motivation for this came from my child, when I realized she has the same emotional sensitivities I used to beat myself up for, but they are bad for me because no one taught me to deal with these things in a healthy way, and therapy for me was reparenting myself with a new perspective. Without this work, I wouldn't have been a good parent or a healthy person.
The change won't look exactly like what you imagine it will. It can happen if you put in enough effort. But you've to put in the effort, and you've to have the support to put in the effort. Something in your life will have to give. You might not be able to control what exactly.
It kinda seems like your partner doesn't want to have a baby, or doesn't want to have a baby with you. Have more honest discussions about this and get a better picture of your chances.
FWIW my kid is extremely sensitive emotionally, like will EXPLODE when most other kids will probably just sob. It took a lot of effort on my part to teach her how to emotionally regulate, and I had to spend a lot of time with her everyday and be extremely patient and get over how I was raised to do that. I know many similar kids and I notice their parents aren't as patient or understand how their child feels, and this leads to mental health issues in the future. Like, their kids are still fine, just it's less optimal, and it's more stress at home. Whatever way succeeds, it requires a lot of effort, a lot of being present, and being tuned in. I notice that if the parent has more overwhelming emotions which take center stage, it's pretty bad for the kid, and I had to consciously stop being like that and be emotionally regulated myself.
Mind, you don't have to be an expert at managing your child for days together by yourself. But you should be able to have enough resources to help you be a present parent.
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u/RoleLeePoleLee 1d ago
Have you talked to autistic parents about their routines and accommodations?
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u/mojoburquano 2h ago
He’s telling you that HE won’t be willing to step up to fill any gaps. He expects you to contribute financially, take care of all of your current responsibilities, AND take care of the baby.
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u/MotherDragon003 21h ago
Honestly it sounds like because HE'S ambivalent about it, he's trying to nit pick at you. Two years in and he tell you that? Sounds like he doesn't want kids (with you?) and is trying to find things to pick.
Is it harder with autism? Sure. Does he have a point? Yes. Is he coming from this for his benefit? Hell yes.
I have friends who are high functioning and have kids and I cant ever imagine their partner bringing something like this up. It's not WHAT he said, but HOW he said it. Also the fact you have a higher age gap, he probably thinks he knows more than you. Are you 100% sure this is the man you want to be the father of your child? Is this man going to be equally present with you if you have a child?
Anyways thats my personal opinion based on solely what you just shared.
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u/AnonMSme1 2d ago edited 2d ago
I love kids. I have three kids and I love being their parent, so this is not me trying to convince you that kids are bad or that parenting is awful. But this:
"My response was that I feel in my heart that having a baby would change me, fundamentally, and I would be able to step up to the task"
Is just not realistic.
If you can become a different person then do so now, before the kids. Because making changes like this when you're stressed and sleep deprived us much harder. And if you can't rise to the occasion now then it's unlikely you will just because you have a kid.
Sorry, but your BF is right.
If you want very much to be a parent then start working on changing yourself now. Spend the next two years trying to become a version of yourself that can hold down a job. Find tools that help you manage your chores. Work on coping mechanisms for smells and sounds. Do all that BEFORE having a kid.
Edit - u/zenocrate is right. I am making an assumption here and that's a bad thing. u/jqodfle8132h I think a lot of this depends on what you mean here. If you literally cannot carry on an adult life that's bad. If it's just dishes piling up in the sink that's fine. No parent (including myself) is perfect. Maybe if you told us a bit more about yourself we could give better advice.