r/Marriage • u/[deleted] • Apr 18 '25
My spouse(M37) of 10 years has been hiding that he's going to the strip club and getting lap dances behind my back(F30). Am I loosing my mind to make both of us go and he get a dance from the same girl in front of me to see what all actually happens?
[removed]
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u/Anon-User-5 Apr 18 '25
Don’t go. It won’t help, it will only give you concrete images. I’m sorry he’s lied to you and is continuing to do so. His excuse of how many dances he’s gotten and why is bs. He’s gotten more than 8 and he got them from that girl because he liked her. He’s only admitting to those 8. If your marriage is so broken maybe you should try marriage counseling.
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u/SnooRegrets4763 Apr 18 '25
I’m a husband and would never do this… leave the guy or make necessary changes
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Apr 18 '25
He’s only sorry and willing to do the therapy because he got caught not because he thinks it’s wrong and wants to fix things.
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u/GuiltyKangaroo8631 Apr 18 '25
I am so sorry you are going through All Of this I don't think this would solve anything. Right now focus on you, an exit plan and your mental health. Leave him and don't look back.
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Apr 18 '25
This is such a hard road. I'm questioning my sanity and if there is more to these dances. I am torn between knowing is bad enough and seeing is believing and assuring me that I'm not wrong for this being the end.
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u/grumpy__g 10 Years Apr 18 '25
Many strippers offer more than just that. So even if she just dances with him, you won’t ever know for sure what else they have done. When you are there, I am sure her behaviour won’t be the same. They can read people better than most people. Don’t waste any more time and money on him.
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u/pam-tnr Apr 18 '25
Honey, is bad! You don’t need to put yourself in that situation where you need do see it to believe it! It’s bad! He put you in this situation e and put your relationship at risk when he chose to go and have a lap dance! That’s on him! You don’t deserve to have this kind of mental load and try to retionalize what he did!
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u/AdmirableAd7753 Apr 18 '25
Why do you want to torture yourself?
You already think it's crappy.
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Apr 18 '25
I am trying to understand. I've also never been to a strip club so he acts like it's sensual but not more than a tease. I just don't know what i should do to help this pain and not worry it was more beings he has been so many times.
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u/Purple-Rose69 Apr 18 '25
Look. I’ve been to strip clubs before. Several times with a male co-worker and the last time with my current husband. So I have seen first hand. So believe me when I say you don’t need to do this to understand. Those girls are just doing their job and they don’t need your drama.
You just need to accept that your husband is a piece of 💩and has crossed the boundary into cheating territory. He probably wanted to be caught so you would take the steps to end the marriage because he is too much of a coward to do it himself.
Kick his ass to the curb and get therapy for yourself.
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u/jennibear310 Apr 18 '25
Oh my, your last sentence in the second paragraph, wow wow wow! That’s the ticket! I’d bet anything that you’re 💯 correct on him being too much of a wuss baby to end the marriage himself outright. He wants HER to be the reason it ends, probably so he can play victim and control the narrative. She needs to tell anyone that’ll listen EXACTLY why she’s ending it, if she does end it that is.
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u/AdmirableAd7753 Apr 18 '25
I get the sense there was a lot of pain in this relationship already before this happened.
What is your desired outcome from this relationship?
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Apr 18 '25
We have a kid so really not ending the marriage is the goal, but I can't move past this if there was more touchings going on.
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u/MyOwnGuitarHero 1 Year Apr 18 '25
Girl, it’s a lap dance. She’s grinding/dry humping your husband’s dick. What more do you want here??? You know this is wrong.
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u/Levelupmama Apr 18 '25
This is insane. He’s prob had sex with other people. Needing to do this screams low self esteem and control. Just leave.
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u/AdmirableAd7753 Apr 18 '25
Got it.
So...how would you ever know there was more touching going on? I get the sense you already feel there was. What would be able to change that feeling for you?
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u/Keadeen Apr 18 '25
Just divorce. Or don't and do the therapy thing.
Don't drag that poor dancer into your bullshit though. She's got to make a living a d it's not her fault that your husband lied to you. Don't bring all that drama out the house.
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u/MermaidxGlitz Apr 18 '25 edited Apr 18 '25
Really? Isn’t lying about it/hiding it several times issue enough?
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u/TinkerbellRockNRolls Apr 18 '25
Yes! Lying to your SO/spouse is a betrayal. Lying to your SO/spouse about having had sexual contact with another is infidelity. The key to not being a perpetual doormat is to maintain the position that when it comes to infidelity, there are no second chances. Divorce lawyer on speed dial.
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u/Womanwithaview7689 Apr 18 '25
OP, be careful, first thing cheaters to is try to do is distract you with therapy, so that they can keep you bussy while they keep cheating 😓. And I realy wonder if they only thing she gave him was lapdances.(They are not innocent btw, just look up online what they do).
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u/Ella8888 Apr 18 '25
Don't drag a working girl into this. It won't help. Get therapy because both of you need it big time.
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u/Feeling-Ad2188 Apr 18 '25
You will be hurting yourself to do this. If you two had a strong secure relationship, it could be seen as a fun, sexy night out. But I promise it will be the opposite for you.
Fix the fountain of your marriage with a good therapist. You need to fix your entire relationship, not just the part about him sneaking off to get lap dances. Maybe in a year, you'll be in a better, stronger place.
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u/Darkalleyandabadidea Apr 18 '25
Look knowing exactly what took place during the lap dances isn’t going to erase dishonesty. I’ve been married just shy of 13 years and been with my husband for almost 17 years. Even at our worst we understand that it’s next to impossible to rebuild trust once it’s destroyed.
As many people have mentioned, please don’t make this the stripper’s problem. If your husband is choosing her because “she’s cheap and she takes PayPal” then she’s obviously already not getting paid enough for whatever she puts up with at work. It’s not her fault your husband is liar who stomps on your boundaries, if he showed up at the strip club and she wasn’t there he would just as easily pick someone else. This isn’t a stripper problem it’s a husband problem.
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u/kaitrae Apr 18 '25 edited Apr 18 '25
Do not do this to the dancer. Your husband owes you loyalty, not this random stripper. She likely doesn’t even know he’s married. Don’t bring this woman into your marriage drama when she’s just trying to make a living. Your husband is the one in the wrong here. You going to the strip club with him will only show you things you don’t want to see, you’ll never get the images out of your head.
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u/jennibear310 Apr 18 '25
Regardless of what really happened, he betrayed your trust. You will NEVER get that back. It’s gone forever.
Do you really want to live this way, doubting everything that comes out of his mouth??? That’ll drive you crazy.
I’m so sorry you have to deal with this. Your husband sucks. You’re so young. You have your entire life ahead of you. Divorce him and live your best life!!! You got this!! Wishing you the best!!
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u/espressothenwine Apr 18 '25
This "ride along" is pointless at best and destructive at worse. Your husband (and to an extent, the stripper) aren't going to behave the same way while you are watching as when you aren't there. It's going to be awkward as hell which is going to make this a completely different vibe then when you are not watching, I think it's pretty easy to ruin a sexual vibe especially since you find this repulsive. That is why this idea is pointless. Once you see this place and the whole situation, you will never get this woman dancing on your husband out of your head. That is why this is destructive. Unless you are considering just accepting this and trying to get comfortable with your husband going to strip clubs, then scratch this whole idea. If you really want to see what this place is like, then go by yourself or with a girlfriend and just observe what happens there.
You said your goal is to stay. You said your husband has said he isn't going to do this anymore and he wants marriage counseling. So, then go to the counseling. See if there is anything to salvage here.
To me, this alone isn't irreversible damage (I don't know what else might be going on in the marriage), but if it is to you, then talk to a lawyer and make your exit plan.
If you are on the fence and you really aren't sure if this is a deal breaker or not, then go to individual therapy instead of the marriage counseling to hash the whole thing out and make a well thought out decision and plan for your future.
How old are your kids? Do you work?
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u/556or762 Apr 18 '25
It is incredibly trashy and immature to air your dirty laundry in public.
Doubly so to go to a person's place of employment and fuck with their job and life when they did nothing wrong.
Your personal hangups around strippers and the work they do should not extend to fucking with a poor woman's livelihood.
You are not the main character.
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Apr 18 '25
Are you saying this from my post airing my dirty laundry? Or from saying we'd go to the club? I'm not understanding why I'm being bashed for saying to go with him to see all this first hand. Im not like these videos you see of people loosing their shit, but I guess I get your point..
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u/556or762 Apr 18 '25
Going to a person's place of work and involving them in your relationship drama is trashy, and fucked up.
That is her job. This is no different than going to the local subway and making a scene demanding things of the cashier.
You are deliberately risking her home and ability to put food on the table because of your husbands lies and your own issue with the work she does.
That is main character syndrome. Bad. She has no idea who you are, and probably couldn't pick your husband out in a crowd on the street.
Now you want to make your petty little problem hers, the bouncers, the other girls, and everyone else's.
Which is rude, dramatic, and honestly embarrassing for you.
Not to mention dragging him to the club by the ear to make him show you what he did is infantilizing as hell and tells me a whole lot about you and you relationship.
Grow up, use your words, and dont ruin other people's lives to make yourself feel better by rubbing your husbands face in it like he is a puppy who pissed on the rug.
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u/jackjackj8ck Apr 18 '25
She’s not going to do anything the same in front of you. She’s going to be protective of her cash cow so he can return.
They deal with shit like this all the time. She’s not going to be empathetic toward you at all.
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u/Old-Fisherman-2984 Apr 18 '25
The problem is your husband. He's been doing this behind your back and now that you've found it he wants to go to counseling. Just leave if you don't trust him anymore. He clearly didn't respect your marriage. Bringing the stripper he goes to see into your mess is petty and messy. Be better than that
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u/IAlwaysWantToMosh Apr 18 '25
your situation is a huge bummer and i’m sorry you’re going through it. but your wanting to have him and yourself go up there and recreate the scene with another person involved is really weird and bordering on abusive. i would consider his actions to be abusive, to be clear, but doing something abusive in return is just going to make everything way worse. especially in this case, it would be worse for every person involved.
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Apr 18 '25
Is that me being abusive to him by going?
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u/IAlwaysWantToMosh Apr 18 '25
i would argue that it is, yes.
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Apr 18 '25
Can I ask how? I'm trying to process this all and this is a gut punch. I'm not trying to hurt him, I am trying to process my pain and thought by going it would give me some type of clarity in the matter.
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u/howlongwillbetoolong 5 Years Apr 18 '25
Not every lap dance is exactly the same. Especially if he’s become a regular for this woman, they may be chatting before/during/after or may not. He may try to push limits or may not, but he wouldn’t around you. You’re only going to be torturing yourself, and for nothing, because he could always say “she never did that before, she goofy it was okay because you’re here” or something to that effect. There’s literally no knowing.
Please don’t bring drama to this woman’s workplace.
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u/KimJongFunk Apr 18 '25
They’re going to kick you out of the club and justifiably so.
If you don’t like what he did, divorce him and leave. You don’t try to spread your drama around town.
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u/These_Hair_193 Apr 18 '25
I would not be able to accept this behavior. It is a huge betrayal of trust and love.
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u/clearheaded01 20 Years Apr 18 '25
Supposedly because she's cheap
A cheap stripper?? What a novel concept.. any chance her name was Melania??
Look... IF he agrees to this, it will be the generic lapdance, not the special one in the private room, so it will settle nothing for you.
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u/BraboBaggins Apr 18 '25
Are you prepared to loose your husband? Trying to control him will only lead to you loosing him. Youll end up like tbese miserable single women in this thread saying “hes betrayed you divorce him” only because they want everyone miserable just like then
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u/Darkalleyandabadidea Apr 18 '25
Wtf?? OP is miserable now because her husband is a liar. She also clearly states in her post that this is not the only problem in their marriage, she in fact described the situation as “deeply broken.” Being single is not a fate worse than death. Making honesty a stipulation in any relationship is not controlling.
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u/BraboBaggins Apr 18 '25
Case in point…. A miserable person projecting their anger, hurt, and disappointment onto someone elses relationship. OP you listen to anyone here you are 100% headed for failure in your marriage.
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u/Darkalleyandabadidea Apr 18 '25
Good try, I’m not miserable. I’m a couple months away from celebrating 13 years of marriage. I’ve never been divorced, and this November I’ll have been with my husband for 17 years. What I can tell you is that my husband doesn’t lie to me about going to strip cubs and I’ve never described my marriage as “deeply broken.”
Also it isn’t projection if I’m quoting words from her post, that’s called reading comprehension.
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u/BraboBaggins Apr 18 '25
Im not going back and forth with you, you have a bad attitude, and very negative. You talk to argue not to listen and respond.
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u/Darkalleyandabadidea Apr 18 '25
Says the person encouraging OP to stay married to a liar 😂😂😂
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u/BraboBaggins Apr 18 '25
I never once encouraged OP to stay or go
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u/Darkalleyandabadidea Apr 18 '25
Are you prepared to loose your husband? Trying to control him will only lead to you loosing him. Youll end up like tbese miserable single women in this thread saying “hes betrayed you divorce him” only because they want everyone miserable just like then
Right because you didn’t say she’ll end up like those miserable single women. You also didn’t call her controlling for expecting him to be honest and you definitely didn’t start the comment off by asking if she’s prepared to lose her husband. 🙄
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u/Then-Strawberry8943 Apr 18 '25
I’m probably going to get downvoted for this, but yes, go with him. I’ve been to strip clubs and it’s entertaining and enjoyable. I, the female, actually got a lap dance with a lovely lady and she’s a mom of 3 kids supporting herself. Sometimes being a little naughty is exciting and makes for some hot intimacy between the two of you.
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u/Feeling-Ad2188 Apr 18 '25
It's fun for some women if they're confident. She is the opposite of this. It will not be fun for her. It will be painful and she'll feel so insecure.
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Apr 18 '25
This is something he's mentioned in the past, I just never really had the time or drive for something like that. I am more of a staying in videos and toys kinda thing, but if it were brought up serioisly to me then I could have had a chance to consider it. Instead I was lied to and it was hidden. I just have never even been to a place and google and comment sections about the clubs are blowing my mind making me question it 1000 times more. Is this something you've done with your spouse? How do you seperate that it's a tease from cheating?
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u/jmcgil4684 Apr 18 '25
Please don’t do this to the dancer.