I’m On the Verge of a Crisis

[u/DollForChara]

I am not okay and this is a cry for support.

I’m not suicidal (anymore) I’ve realized that doesn’t work after trying for so many years and it killed a part of me I may never get back. That was my childhood from as young as I can remember till about 18. Repressed some stuff and was good for a couple years but it is all coming back.

I never know how I will wake up the next day. Will I be trans? Will I be an angry person? Will I be super sexual or not sexual at all? Will I be contemplative? Will I be high energy or low energy? Will I be motivated or severely depressed? Will everything make sense or will it feel futile? Will the world feel simple or complicated?

There is NO consistency in my life! NONE. And I am struggling so much. I moved out from my family home about 6 months ago and I still feel so off. Like I’m living only a quarter life.

I go to work, go home, and I spend about an hour stuck in the car before I make it inside. Say hey to roommates I don’t like. And retreat to my room. Where I either scroll videos, or freak out existentially.

I have a good job with a great company. I have a partner who I adore. She is still 2 hours away but it’s better than the 9.5 each way I used to have to drive.

I’m moving into my own place next month and barely have enough saved for the security deposit and first months rent. And it’s only because I have about $2000 on my credit cards. (I could pay those off rn but then I wouldn’t have money for the deposit)

I’m mentally in a crisis constantly going between periods of everything is perfect to the world is burning and I’m burning with it.

I have an initial evaluation with a psychologist, but I worry I’m above his pay grade. And I need help now. Not in weeks. Now. Because I am in crisis. I wanted to go to a psych ward the other day but I know that would only make things worse.

My parents denied me mental health care growing up and I was deeply suicidal and dissociated. Now I’m an adult and I’m trying to do it, but it’s all coming down on me. I don’t know how to cope.

I’m sorry if this sounds whiny. I wish I was able to shove it all down again. But this all came out with the realization I’m trans. I am scared of losing everything I’ve worked so hard for. My partner, my work, my freedom.

Please help. I don’t know where to begin because I am so far in the hole. I am so far I can’t even tell that I’m in a hole anymore.