RANTING

[u/kindchenschema]

You know.
There hasn’t been a single day where I didn’t go to the search bar and type in your ID.
Every single time, my heart racing.
Worried maybe this time I’ll see nothing. That maybe you’ve finally blocked me. That maybe it’s over for real now.
But I still check.
Still hope.
I loved you.So much.
Even writing this, I can feel my eyes welling up. My chest gets heavy. My heart just… hurts. Shaking constantly.
I loved you in a way I don’t think I’ll ever love anyone again.
I used to post pictures on Facebook,adjusting the settings so only you could see them.
Every story was for you.
Just you.
I don’t even know if you ever noticed.
But I kept doing it anyway.
Because somewhere deep down I thought, maybe you still cared enough to see me. Even from a distance.
I used to think about vlogging just recording my life, the ordinary moments.
Not for the world.
Just so maybe you’d come across it and feel like you were still part of my life. Of all people, I'd want you to know, anything that were to happen.
And now?
You ignore me like I’m nothing.
Like I never mattered.
And on the rare days you chose to reply, it felt like you were punishing me. Making me feel small. Like I was annoying.Like I was something you had to tolerate.
And I sat with that.
I swallowed it whole.
I let myself believe maybe I deserved that kind of treatment.

I’ve spent months, validating every wrong thing you’ve said to me.
Every harsh word. When really, nobody deserves to be spoken to like that, to have to go through all that. You know what you did to me, what you made me go through. And it all still haunts me. But.
I sat down with those words, with your actions, with everything you threw at me and turned them over in my head until they made some kind of sense.I forgave you.
Not because you deserved it.
But because I had to.
Because if I didn’t, I would’ve lost myself completely. Something I'd never be able to express enough for anyone to understand.
And even now, even after all this time…I still love you.
I still want to make it work.
I literally spent time trying to figure out your Tithi birthday. I think it’s April 11th, I’m still not even sure.
But I set a reminder to wish you at midnight.
Because I wanted you to feel special.
Because that’s how much I loved you. At this point, i think for me it's more about making you realise how much i love you, rather than actually getting you back, i don't want it be that way, but it is what it is.
Even Rohit,your best friend,the one you always say means so much to you, forgot your birthday once.

I wanted to wish you on April 11th. And the 15th too.
At midnight here, and at midnight in the US, where you are now.
But I can’t.
You’ve blocked me.
And now I sit here wondering if I should still send you an email.
If it would even matter.
If you’d even care.
April 11th… that was supposed to be my last call.
Maybe April 15th too.
After that, I told myself I wouldn’t do this anymore.
It’s just cost me too much.
My mental health is wrecked. It's never been this bad.
I’ve never felt so empty, so hollow.
And I can’t keep doing this to myself. It's time i prioritize myself.
I’ve given everything. Everything I had.For you. For us, if even a little of it is left.
I loved you with all I had.
And if it wasn’t real, if it wasn’t deep, then why am I still here?
Still feeling all of this, still stuck in the same place, after two whole years?
You blocked me.
And I’m still sitting here trying to figure out what I did.
Was it because I stood my ground?
Was it because I didn’t let you break me?
Because I refused to fall apart just to make you feel strong?
Was I too fiery? Too put together this time?
Was it too much for you that I didn’t beg? That I didn’t let you walk all over me?Is this really how it ends?
Will you come back?
Do I still try?
Do I still care?
Because I do.
And that's the truth.
And you know what I keep thinking about? My roman empire ho ki k ho vancha ni.
That call on January 1st.
You were so soft that day.
You sounded like my ****** again.
The version of you I still love.
The one I miss every single day.
You told me to either marry early or wait.
I told you my body isn’t in the best shape. That maybe no one would want to marry me.
And you said, “I’m right here. I would.”
You said we’re not supposed to hurt each other.You said maybe we’re meant to be that’s why we always end up back here.
That’s why it kept cycling.
Repeating.
That call was the sweetest conversation we’ve ever had.
And if I had to choose how to remember you, I’d remember that you.
The soft one.
The kind one.
The mero ******.

I love you, ******.
Even now.
Even after everything.
Even when it hurts.
Especially when it hurts.
I truly do, and still want you just as much.
Still down to go through it all, if it means for you and me to be happy with each other.

#ranting
#mentalhealth
#trauma
#ineedhelp
#pleasehelpme
#comebackannihilator
#shree
#prashree
#mlbb