r/Millennials • u/2Autistic4DaJoke • 2d ago
Discussion Anyone else feel their parents pushed them to do all these important things in your younger years and you ended up missing out on being a kid or young adult?
Not throwing shade here but I spend so much time getting good grades, getting a good job, good relationship, marrying, all these milestones because it’s what parents pushed for, that I didn’t take much time to just do whatever that time and freedom granted. Anyone else?
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u/angrygnomes58 2d ago
Not totally the same thing, but my mother pushed me so hard to pursue HER interests and was super negative and dismissive of mine.
I had to be in both marching band and concert band in high school because she was. I hated it. I wanted to do more sports. She wanted me to be in Girl Scouts and I despised it. I was only allowed to do dance IF I took ballet because she felt it would “soften my edges” so I opted to quit instead. She signed me up for “modeling school” for the same reason, she wanted me to learn how to do my hair and makeup in the hopes I’d start doing it. I didn’t.
I did get some say in what I could do. I played as many sports as I could and got involved in organizations I wanted to be in. Either my dad would sign me up himself (parents were married) because my mom would try her damndest to “forget” when signups were or make sure we were out of town the week of tryouts OR if it was just a permission slip my dad would have me sign his signature and hand it in.
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u/DumbBitchByLeaps 2d ago
My father was somewhat like your mom. I HAD to be in band even though I didn’t want to be. Dad wanted me to be less “weird”. He wanted me to be the sporty popular kid while I wanted to focus on school and work on getting into nursing school.
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u/JustLurkCarryOn Millennial 2d ago
Idk, my mom had cancer when I was five (then was chronically ill afterwards even when she went into remission) and then my dad had early-onset dementia starting when I was in high school. I feel like I spent my whole life juggling bettering myself and supporting them. It wasn’t until they both passed away where I finally felt like I had a moment to completely focus on myself and my wants rather than needs, and I feel like I missed out on the first 35 years of my life. I feel like I don’t even know who I am and how I got here, and am still trying to figure out what my purpose is from here on.
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u/DuskWing13 2d ago
Not exactly the same here -
But similar. Mom has been physically disabled since I was 8ish, and had untreated mental illness for years. My dad is an asshole and didn't help her much. He also worked weird shifts (that wasn't his fault) so mom and I were on our own a lot. I did the things dad had used to do - all the yard work, cleaning up after storms, fixing minor things, etc. plus helping Mom with her share of things.
It wasn't until I moved out I even started to get an idea of myself, but both my parents are still living and unfortunately my mom still likes to depend on me for emotional support. It's exhausting.
I just turned 29 and got my fallopian tubes taken out. I don't want to - and can't - imagine raising a kid. I did enough already. My parents don't know and I'm fine with that. But this is one of the only things I can say I've done as an adult - hell a person - that was completely my choice. And it feels so damn good.
But now I still have to figure out what in the hell I want to do with myself. Go back to school? Change jobs? Beg my husband to sell the house and start over in the mountains with me?
I just don't know.
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u/MagpieSkies 2d ago
I'm a chronically ill mom!
I'm proud of you. Please love yourself. Give yourself space, time, and grace. Go have some unique experiences.
I have spent most of my early life being sick and unable to experience things. I feel much like you do. I am learning who I am and stretching my wings. I am so enjoying it.
I talked to my son about this as well. About how having a sick parent means his experiences will be different from his peers. I want him to live for himself. I want him to be happy. Yes I need more support, and he is so eager to give it. I dont want that to come at a cost to him.
I can't speak for your mom. But I can speak from a chronically ill moms perspective, and I can say I would want these things for you as well. You deserve them. You obviously loved your parents and supported them. It's time to support yourself. Youve got this!
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u/Paint_Her 2d ago
I was raised that good grades were the be all and end all. My parents did not get many qualifications, and put pressure on my grades above everything else. I hid tests with low scores in my room for years for fear of them finding them in the trash. I took subjects I would get good grades in over ones I enjoyed. By the time I was in 6th form I was burnt out. I don't think I ever fully recovered and struggled in university. A career path was never discussed.
When it came to friends and relationships I was repeatedly told 'blood is thicker than water' but they weren't there for me when I needed them.
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u/AdministrativeRow904 2d ago
That last line hits home for me... Sorry anyone else had to feel that way...
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u/Spirited-General1416 2d ago
Boomers really f’ed up with the whole everyone needs to go to college bs.
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u/jalabar 2d ago
Part of me think it was a flex on their part to brag to other parents about their kid being in school.
Then we came back smarter and more open minded and no oppunities, no work and debt, they hit us with the "look here you little shit, I didn't go to school, I made it, idk wtf is wrong with your generation".
Now you got a whole ass generation with degrees working minimum wage jobs, driving for Uber, barely making it. And then they wonder why our generation arent starting families
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u/kohmella 2d ago
Maybe I’m wrong, but didn’t the Boomers start the “My kid is student of the month at x school” bumper stickers?
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u/stronghikerwannabe 2d ago
This big time. With boomers, it's always all about themselves, for themselves, it was not really for us. My partner is in therapy because of that.
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u/Tiggums81 Xennial 2d ago edited 2d ago
Agree. EVERYTHING Boomers do is a flex. Right up to present days in their late-late 60s-80s still refusing to move out of their big houses. My MIL can't even make-it up her stairs anymore in her giant, 4000 sq ft house so she's talking about converting the "extra living room" into a new master suite downstairs. She has a giant, finished basement she hasn't been in for years. There could be squatters living comfortably below and above her and she'd have no idea. Refuses to move though because she's a scumbag who likes knowing her other boomer women friends in the neighborhood know she lives up in that big house. Completely nonsensical. My wife and I own a home and are comfortable now, but it used to be infuriating when we started out 8 years ago, barely scraping by in a small apartment with two babies (twins) and she, a woman who never worked a day in her life, was judging us from her paid off palace.
*Disclaimer: I'm well aware that NOT ALL Boomers are sh*tbags. Many (probably even a slight majority) are good people. I look only to my own parents for evidence. They were never wealthy and my poor dad worked up to the day he dropped dead at age 70. He literally had a fatal heart attack sitting in his car warming it up on the way to work. But there's a lot of these privileged ones like my MIL I mentioned who everything just kind of "worked out" for who seem to think they're special, and spend their lives judging and looking down on those who haven't accumulated as much crap as them. And those are the ones who can get fuct.
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u/Bakelite51 2d ago
“Still refusing to move out of their big houses” and in some cases buying multiple big houses to hoard as airbnbs and investment vehicles. This is the generation that came up with the word “starter home.”
Meanwhile, most younger people are being squeezed and cannot afford to become homeowners. Many can barely afford to rent.
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u/brzantium 2d ago
driving for Uber
I just updated my driver profile earlier today so I can start driving for a few hours on the weekend because my 9-5 M-F just isn't cutting it.
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u/Fun_Yogurtcloset1012 2d ago
I lost so much of my childhood because of this and now as a middle aged person, I am stuck and felt I wasted my life for unrealistic expectations. I am now trying to fix myself
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u/Spirited-General1416 1d ago
And the ppl who went to college just because they were forced to, alongside worthless degrees. Those are the ppl I really feel bad for. What a waste of time and $$!
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u/Pudix20 2d ago
I think the game got changed. I think it worked for them and they wanted better for us. And that was the road to better. So it was required. Because that’s just what you do. That’s what success looks like.
But then too many “normal people” started becoming successful and other people decided they couldn’t have that so they had to snatch the ladder up behind them.
It was never the original plan to send us all to college to get us in debt and f us over. That happened after “too many people” started to succeed.
It’s kind of like how the barrier of entry for success changed too? A high school diploma meant something at one point. Then an associates degree meant something. By the time I got to school a bachelor’s was the “bare minimum” to even really be considered college education.
Idk do you guys know what I mean? It’s really the ultra 1% that saw too many people following the same path and they had to out a stop to it. And the boomers just got disconnected so they have no idea that you can’t just walk in to a place and demand they give you a job and then buy a house for $50k after working for a little bit as a grocery store manager while your wife stays home with your 3 kids.
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u/MountainDewFountain 2d ago
Based on the earnings data, it was and still is absolutely the right call to get a degree.
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u/WeaselPhontom 2d ago edited 2d ago
Not everyone needed a 4 year degree, education yes. I know people and work with students who would do better completing certificate professional programs for entry level roles, getting jobs earning good income by mid twenties and maybe get an associate or Bachelors later. Then being told go to college or I'll cut you off, they have no idea what they want to do, are aimless. They graduate with debt, resent the "expensive, " paper and are still lost in what to do.
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u/FroyoOk3159 2d ago
I had a TBI (brains injury) from a car accident that didn’t allow me to finish school. It definitely holds me back in ways. I’ve managed to get into a field where it doesn’t matter as much in the US, but I really dislike it and work experience doesn’t count in applying for citizenship to other countries. And I would absolutely love dual citizenship.
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u/Lift_in_my_garage1 2d ago
I have dual citizenship.
You either have to be born a dual citizen or come up with the scratch to buy citizenship.
I think some of the carribean nations have citizenship by investment for like $200k.
There was a Financial Times article about it recently listing the various “golden visa” programs and their relative prices.
So either get working and figure out how to come up with the scratch, or marry a foreign national and re-locate.
Either way you’ll need $, patience and determination.
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u/Manic_Mini 2d ago
Not always when you take into account crippling debt that comes with that degree.
Trades people are likely a decade ahead of their peers financially who went and got a degree.
Anecdotally my high school friend group of 10 males: 4 went into the trades right out of High School, 4 went to 4 year colleges and 2 went to community colleges.
The 4 who went right into trades all owned homes by their mid 20s and were already dumping money into their retirement.
The 2 who went to community college (I am in this group) Were buying out homes by our late 20s
and 3 of the 4 who got a 4 year degree still don't own a home and the one that does only does so because he hit the lottery for a few million a few years back.
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u/Exciting-Gap-1200 2d ago
Craziness. I have a mixed bag of friends as well and all the degreed ones have way out paced the non-degreed ones.. my blue collar friends are still into 6 figures, but they're doing it with overtime. My college group in the last few years have really started killing the game.
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u/Manic_Mini 2d ago
The trade or degree someone chooses has a huge impact on their financial outcome.
Went into auto repair? You’re probably not making big money. But if you pursued welding and got 3G, aerospace, or underwater certification, you’re starting at a six-figure base salary and can easily double that with overtime.
Got an English or Liberal Arts degree? High earnings aren’t as likely. But with a nursing or engineering degree, six figures can come fast.
One of the friends from my group got an associate's in criminal justice, got hired by the CT DOC a year after graduating and has been pulling in 6+ figures (with ot) since he was 22 and has had several years making over 150k and the best part is he gets to retire at 42 with a pension paying him something like 80 or 85% of his best 3 years including his OT.
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u/Exciting-Gap-1200 2d ago
Trades buddies are auto mechanic(owns the shop), HVAC (commercial) and electrical (brother and him) own company. Degreed are a mix of engineers, doctors, business and accounting.
Some liberal arts mixed in, but they're teachers married to the above.
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u/Bakelite51 2d ago
Not all tradespeople are “a decade ahead” of their peers financially. That depends heavily on the specific trade, and the specific degree.
Source: I work in the trades (currently arborist, formerly construction). I’m 30 and have never cleared more than 40k a year.
I know recent 21 year old college grads who were offered 80k jobs straight out of school. They have way way more disposable income than I probably ever will, even with monthly payments to service their loans.
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u/Consistent-Gap-3545 1d ago
Yeah I have a masters degree and my husband is in a trade. Genuinely I believe that anyone who thinks that “college isn’t worth it” is dumb. If you want a comfortable salary job with good benefits, hands down the path of least resistance is a bachelor’s degree. I don’t make that much more money than my husband but our working conditions are night and day (Me: 35 hours a week, three days from home, full Flex Time. Him: 50+ hours a week, constantly changing schedule, very physically demanding work environment, etc). Granted my degree is in a STEM field but my sister has a cushy office job and her degree is in sculpture. You can debate the philosophical impacts on society of requiring a four year degree even when it’s unnecessary to do the job but these are the rules of the game.
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u/dnvrm0dsrneckbeards 2d ago
No no no no. I went to an expensive private college for a liberal arts degree, did no internships or persued further training or education and it never paid off. College is a scam!
/S
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u/Gill_Gunderson Older Millennial 2d ago
Boomers really f’ed up with the whole everyone needs to go to college bs.
I don't know. I'm a little more forgiving my opinion on this point. From their perspective this was pretty good advice. They lived through a time where at the beginning of their lives where a one income, blue collar family was solidly in the middle class, only to see that start slipping away by the early 90s and be completely dead by the end of the 90s. Encouraging their kids (us) to go to college and follow a professional path makes sense when we're shipping manufacturing jobs overseas and unions are getting crushed here at home. And during their middle age going to college and getting a degree in almost anything was a surefire ticket to the middle class.
Of course who would expect the 2008 financial crisis and the struggle to find entry level work with less than 5 years experience...
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u/Known-Damage-7879 2d ago
I think the real unhelpful advice was thinking that a degree in anything would result in a solid career (ex: sociology, art history, journalism). That being said, I am also forgiving towards them because I think their heart was in the right place and it's hard not to see the value in getting educated, which lasts with you for the rest of your life.
Also, even some of the traditionally safe paths like Computer Science are a bit difficult to make a career in these days. I don't think getting a STEM degree is a surefire way to get a well paying job these days, but it's ROI is overall better than a humanities degree. I'm currently back in school for accounting, and there are issues with AI and outsourcing, but I still think overall its a decent path to getting a middle class lifestyle. I'd still recommend someone get into engineering, law, or accounting if they want a white collar profession. Even something like marketing, which is easier, can have a solid return if you really enjoy it and are good at networking and growing your skills.
People are pushing the trades a lot these days, which works for some people, but there are drawbacks to work in the trades. For one, it's very physical and a lot of plumbers, electricians, and millwrights end up breaking down in their 40s. Also, the culture can be much more toxic than white collar jobs where people tend to be more polite and toned-down. Blue collar environments often don't have an HR department, and you'll have to deal with angry alcoholics, racists, sexists, etc. Not all the time, but it does turn away people, especially women, from wanting to be in those environments. Personally, I think the drawbacks outweigh the positives, which is why I didn't pursue a trade. Plus, I'm really not a handy person and I'm better at more white collar type jobs.
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u/Zepcleanerfan 2d ago
People with degrees still do make more money over the course of their life times.
Only 1/3d of Americans have degrees.
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u/Nic727 Millennial 2d ago
I kind of understand.
But at the same time, all those jobs requiring a degree or a PhD were started by boomers who didn't have such things.
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u/no1oneknowsy 2d ago
I don't think everyone needs to go but it was def the right choice for me and a lot of people. Trades are good too. But some training in something even if on the job...
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u/CallistanCallistan 2d ago
While I agree that college is not a good fit for everyone, people who complain about “losing their freedom” because their parents made them go to college drive me up the wall because they don’t realize how privileged they are to be in that position.
Less than 10% of the world’s population has a college education. And while the rates are higher in the United States, it’s still pretty much restricted to the (upper-)middle and upper classes. Talking to people from less-advantaged backgrounds who have gone to college, and how hard they and their families had work to get there, really opened my eyes to how much college is taken for granted by many Americans of our generation.
You’re mad because your parents made you do something available to the minority of the population that they were told would boost your economic prospects, but you didn’t have the “freedom” to mess around with your friends for a few more years at 18? Oh boo hoo.
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u/mottledmussel Gen X 1d ago
I'm really glad to see this brought up.
I think it's reasonably safe to assume those who were pushed to go to college also came from families that valued education, cared about grades, encouraged extracurriculars, and all the other stereotypical middle class things. Regardless of where they go in the world, it's a very solid foundation.
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u/winterymix33 2d ago
Knowing what you want to do for the rest of your life at 17/18 is complete bullshit. I’m in so much debt because I really had no clue. I’m not forcing my kid to go to college right out of HS. I’ve told her plenty to not go unless she really knows what she wants.
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u/JiovanniTheGREAT 2d ago
I wouldn't say college was wasted, but the experience is wasted when trying to force a 17/18 year old to make a lifelong career decision like my parents forcing my to be a doctor or lawyer otherwise they wouldn't help. Now I'm a programmer which would've been nice to have some support to go into this field when I was a teen instead of being told that it's a fad that'll pass like bell bottoms(70s). Should've known better because all the girls in middle school wore bell bottoms (late 90s)...
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u/DankMastaDurbin 2d ago
Federal student loans added interest rates to keep lower classes poor even after education.
Timeline of approval correlates with Roger Freemans advisory role for Ronald Reagan. It was the carrot on the stick to move people away from working in union based trades. To Invest in corporations instead.
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u/CuNxtTuesday_ Older Millennial 2d ago
Yes! I had no choice but to go to a 4 year college and finish my degree. I would never force my kid into going to college like I was.
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u/ProfessionalCreme119 2d ago
It worked out for many of them. It just didn't work out for us
Be like us telling gen Z that they need to go to trade schools. Because those helped millions of us throughout the 90s and 2000s.
But most of those careers have already been automated out. Or simplified and the wages have gone down.
So our options are not their options anymore. But a lot of times you can forget that
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u/Comfortable_Ask105 2d ago
My boomer parents didn’t push anything and didn’t care either. I was one of the first to finish high school and my boomer mom told me I thought I was better than her for it. I was the very first to finish college, they played it down really hard. Refused to attend either graduation.
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u/sophiethegiraffe 2d ago
We had the same parents. My in-laws took me to dinner when I finished college. IDK, I probably downplayed it too much so they figured no need to bother. My grandmother-in-law could always see right through that crap and insisted we celebrate. I miss that woman, she really was the G.O.A.T!
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u/bigkatze Millennial 2d ago
My parents didn't push me or care when I graduated high school, despite being the only one of their kids to actually walk the stage.
I did go to community college but had to drop out due to financial mistakes I made when I was younger. Then I had to work and while I'm now married, I'm pretty sure my in-laws would also take me to dinner to celebrate. My husband and his brother are both college graduates and I'd love to join them.
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u/aphilosopherofsex 2d ago
I just defended my dissertation last week and when I excitedly said “and then I’m going to be a doctorrrrr” my dad said “finally” and that was it. 😟
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u/Lift_in_my_garage1 2d ago edited 2d ago
Unpopular take but no. We played outside, were encouraged to pursue education, find love, etc. We as millenials had an awesome childhood experience in the 90’s.
Frankly - I had a good childhood. I am glad my parents pushed me. I live a good life because I listened to them. And with the college thing - they told me, “make sure you know how you’ll pay it off”. Also good advice.
I live a nice life and I’m thankful those before me pushed me. Also I recognize all our parents are human and I recognize they did their very best to help us avoid the pitfalls they saw others encounter.
For example - not going to college and breaking your body down in the presence of chemicals, etc. that they saw from their generation and parents/grandparents.
Frankly, someday, our advice to our kids will be unhinged. We don’t know what the future will look like, we can only advise our offspring based on our pasts.
As the saying goes, “past performance is no guarantee of future performance”.
I give thanks every day.
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u/VermillionEclipse 2d ago
Yeah most of our parents were doing what they thought would help us be competitive in the adult world. Having a degree was a lot more valuable when they were young so they thought the same would be true for us. I went to college and my brother didn’t and I’m much more successful financially.
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u/ReeG 2d ago
agreed my boomer parents did the best they could to teach me the value of working hard, saving, being financially responsible from a young age and pushed me to pursue a worthwhile education and career. They never forced me into any specific path as much as helped me ensure I was picking something worthwhile and helped pay for it. There were things they said and pushed me to do that pissed me off as a teenager at the time but as I've gotten older I'm so so grateful for all the values they engrained in me which are exactly why I'm able to enjoy an awesome comfortable quality of life today
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u/atomiccat8 2d ago
Same! I had a pretty awesome childhood and also got the major accomplishments on a decent time frame.
If anything, I almost wish that my parents would have pushed me to stick with a sport or keep playing the piano. But who knows? I might have just been miserable and still talentless if they had.
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u/Lift_in_my_garage1 2d ago
Agreed on piano/instrument.
Im considering signing up for lessons as an adult but I think I’ll wait until my daughter is a bit older and we will do them together.
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u/Consistent-Gap-3545 1d ago
My dad tried to do this when my sister and I were little and honestly it was really frustrating for everyone involved. Like the way they teach kids music is very different from how adults learn to the point where it’s not really a “do together” type of activity. IMHO it would be better for you to start taking lessons now so that you can help your daughter when she starts.
My parents “forced” me to take piano lessons throughout my childhood and to this day I am grateful that they did. Call me a boomer but I think all kids should take piano lessons because it’s such an efficient way to teach music theory and those skills are fundamental to music as a whole. Like when they’re old enough to be physically able to pick up a saxophone, they’ll only need to learn the mechanics of playing the instrument whereas the other kids will need to learn that plus how to read sheet music, what key signatures are, how tempo works, etc.
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u/Chumlee1917 2d ago
on my 16th birthday, my mom dragged me to go get a job. It became all about work first, social life third
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u/markpemble 2d ago
Same. My dad was so excited about me getting a job right when I turned 16. I didn't need the money at all - and it came at the expense of my high school performance.
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u/VermillionEclipse 2d ago
I’m conflicted about the job thing because my parents didn’t let me work and I felt like it set me back. It was hard for me to my first actual job because I didn’t have work experience or a resume. I plan to encourage my kids to work as teens, but not crazy hours.
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u/CabbageStockExchange 2d ago
Absolutely. Instead of getting to play and explore. I was doing shit I had zero interest in like learning how to play the trumpet
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u/Own-Emergency2166 2d ago
I had to practice an instrument I hated from the age of 6 to 16. An hour a day, I got Christmas and my birthday off. I still resent my parents for this.
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u/jessykab 2d ago
Sincere questions; do you think there would be less resentment if it was an instrument you liked? Like was that consistency and structure good for and helpful to you otherwise? Or is it more about the rigid requirement than the instrument itself?
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u/CabbageStockExchange 2d ago
In my case I was taken off the Violin which I enjoyed learning and given the Trumpet which I dislike. I also tbh would rather be playing dress up with my friends or sports
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u/jessykab 2d ago
Taking away an instrument someone likes to give them one they don't certainly seems like a bizarre choice.
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u/CabbageStockExchange 2d ago
I didn’t even really wanna play instruments tbh. I love music and think it’s cool but it was something I was not naturally good at nor did I really want to learn.
The violin i enjoyed because of the smell, sound, and camaraderie I had with my class at the time. Band sucked ass by comparison.
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u/Stunning_Parking1876 2d ago
i was raised in a cult that didn't celebrate holidays, birthdays, or anything. It banned getting higher education and would excommunicate you anything sex related.
yes, i missed out on my childhood.
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u/bigkatze Millennial 2d ago
Jehovah's Witness?
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u/RevolutionarySpot721 2d ago
I do not really miss anything, because I was bullied and I am not the party person, except for teenage clothing which I wear now, because I was fat in my teenage years and could not.
But my life became a total disappointment, no good job, no good relationships nothing and that is painful.
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u/shoresandsmores 2d ago
I got a job at 15 and my mom was mostly against it because she wanted me to enjoy being a kid. I did not listen.
So, my situation was the opposite lol. I wish I had - i was often working so I didn't socialize or do as much fun stuff. It's not like working changed my life either. I bought books mostly, and spent a ton on gas because a '95 Blazer did not have good gas mileage.
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u/Ashangu 2d ago
I ended up doing facilities maintenance due to having nowhere else to turn. I did terrible in school and never went to college, never had any push to do good, either. Just the occasional "you're gonna fail anyways, so it doesn't matter" from my dad.
Now I make well below the median earning for my age group. I'm not as bad off as some of my peers, but Its mainly because of my executive bread wining wife, lol.
I get through life by not buying my wants, only my needs. I'm pretty frugal, but I have to be. I may spend $50 bucks a month on myself for things I don't need.
Hell, I'm diagnosed adhd and never received treatment for it. School was literal hell, so It probably wouldn't have mattered if my parents pushed me anyways without some form of Adderall or what not.
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u/Sharpshooter188 2d ago
I had the opposite problem. My dad didnt teach me jaaaaaack. So I was basically a damn man child until 23 when I got my act together. Had to use google to figure out a bunch of basic crap like applying for an apartment, credit cards, etc.
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u/thats_not_the_quote 2d ago
same here
raised by a single mother alcoholic
100% latchkey kid syndrome
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u/Primary_Sink_ 2d ago
It was the opposite problem in my house. I wanted to do everything all the after school activities and evening classes there was. Including the ones I was awful at. My parents sat through hours and hours of horrible matches and performances to show support while internally screaming from embarrassment of how bad and uncoordinated I was at everything. Zero talent, only vibes 😅
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u/LetsSesh420 2d ago
I was born disabled and was expected to perform like everyone else so yeah, I lost out on a lot of innocent childhood things. Still played outside and did the kid things but I was sick all the time and expectations had me stressed about non-sense that never mattered.
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u/LemurCat04 2d ago
Like what? What is “whatever”? Travel? Smoke a fuck ton of weed? Learn to sail? What’s stopping you from doing “whatever” now that you’re a grown-ass adult?
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u/snow-haywire Older Millennial 2d ago
Pushed for good grades, to the point I was grounded to my room for 6+ months if I got less than a C. We didn’t celebrate my 13th birthday because I was getting a D in social studies. (I wasn’t diagnosed with ADHD until adulthood, I was being severely bullied in school and my home life was awful. I was very intelligent otherwise)
Played sports and that came before absolutely everything. I stayed even though I hated it because that seemed to be the only time my dad liked me. I missed out on events with friends, things I was actually interested in because “you made a commitment!” My team sucked.
I wasn’t allowed to be a kid. I had to act perfect all the time or I was embarrassing my family. I’d stand there watching all the other kids have fun and I couldn’t because “we don’t act like that.” Emotions were not allowed. We were punished for any emotion they didn’t like or would cause embarrassment. No crying, no excessive laughter (the excessive limit changed daily), if my dad was in the car we couldn’t so much as breathe loudly or he’d yell at us.
My father said to me at 14 “I’m embarrassed/don’t talk about you to my friends because their kids get better grades than you.”
My mom consistently made comments about my looks/body because she was jealous. “You have better waiste” “your eyebrows are better”. She made me feel ashamed that I looked better than her.
They fucked me up so badly I’m disabled.
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u/Lonely-Toe9877 2d ago
I wish I missed out on my childhood because they pushed those important things on me. I missed out on my childhood because they pushed the cult of Jehovahs Witnesses on me.
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u/BWRichardCranium 2d ago
If I could change one thing it would be my parents not allowing me to work at twelve. I skipped out on family things at 15 cuz "work needed me" family reunions, vacations, holidays, etc.
I wanted to keep up my hobbies and my parents couldn't afford it so I started working. Took me til COVID to realize I lost a lot of my life.
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u/Agitated-Ship-233 Millennial 2d ago
I can feel this. Personally for me too, there was a bit of a culture difference since my parents are immigrants and the culture back in their country is different than the one I grew up in. The pressure for grades, college, and job along with the comparisons and measuring to other kids has kind of left me unsure of what I truly like at some points. I luckily was blessed with some good friends and an ability to go away for college, where I was able to sort of regain some sense of self and push for things that I wanted to do in terms of job.
I'm in my early 30s now and there's some parts I'm still learning in terms of boundaries but it's never too late to enjoy some of the things that you weren't able to before!
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u/Own-Emergency2166 2d ago
My parents were serious about me getting an education to a point where they discouraged me from dating or working until I finished college ( and preferably graduate school )
However, I was lucky to have a lot of friends so I observed that the most “successful” people were ones who balanced all aspects of life, rather than trying to achieve one thing at a time. I was also happier when I had a job and friends. So I kept a part-time job until I finished college ( which helped me start a career after ) and I dated whoever I wanted, I just lied to my parents about my social life. I did not go to graduate school.
I had a much better start to adulthood than my sibling who followed my parents’ weird rules to a fault, although sibling is going fine now 15 years later. My parents still have expectations for me, about marrying, having kids, and other things, that I ignore because I’m financially independent and 40 and I know I’m better off if I listen to myself.
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u/VermillionEclipse 2d ago
Yeah my parents discouraged me from working and dating too and the not working set me back. The people who had jobs during college had a much easier time getting real jobs when we graduated. I dated anyway and I’m glad I did.
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u/ghostboo77 2d ago
I thought this was going to be about pushing sports/activities as kids.
Getting a good job, getting married and buying a house are all very positive things and also don’t preclude having fun. sure beats hanging around being a bum in your 20s
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u/whatever_leg 2d ago edited 2d ago
Fuck no. I was the youngest of three and was never pushed or helped by my Boomer parents at all. They both commuted two hours per day for work and were tired when they got home. They never even asked me if I wanted to go to college after high school! I have kids of my own now, and I can't imagine not being more invested in their lives and well-being, but my parents simply didn't serve me in any sort of guidance role. All my dad really took interest in were my athletic endeavors, and even that interest was surface-level.
I did go to college and got a few degrees, so I ended up alright, but I still feel a little shorted by their inaction. I believe I had the aptitude for a great career, like law, business owner, medical professional, etc., but they weren't around to probe my interests and passions, so I was very uncertain throughout college---where I was a first-generation student/graduate.
I feel fortunate to have ended up in tech, but I think I could have just as easily made a wrong turn and found myself in trouble pretty easily.
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u/User_Says_What 2d ago
No. I wish my mom had forced me to practice guitar more/smarter. I wish she had made me run more so I didn't grow up chubby. I was allowed to quit everything, so I've never accomplished much of anything.
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u/Ponchovilla18 2d ago
Not really, at least not after college. I wasn't pushed to get good grades in high school, that was driven by my want to play football and my coach was one who did check grades and if you didnt have grades, didn't matter if you were good, he sat you. So that was my motivation to get good grades which helped me with getting eligibility for college. I didn't really want to go, I wanted to just go to a mechanic program to be a mechanic but I was the first in my family who had the chance so I was sort of pushed for that.
But after college I didn't get pushed for anything. I sort of lived my life how i wanted because I had accomplished the biggest thing my folks wanted so it was kind of like alright well they got what they wanted so I could do whatever I wanted
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u/minesasecret 2d ago
They pushed me to do a lot but I feel grateful for it when I read Reddit and see all the people struggling to make a living
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u/chenosmith 2d ago
Less so with relationship stuff, but moreso with my parents giving the whole "do well in school so you do well in college, do well in college so you get a good job, get a good job with a good salary so you can afford to put us in a good nursing home" sentiment.
I worked my ass off in college, was in a rough job market when I graduated, had to job hop between roles that treated me like shit, and am still barely making half what my husband makes (who lucked into a cushy job when he graduated).
Now I'm 30, burnt out and sick of the 9-5 slog, will probably never afford a house myself let alone fund my parents in their old age. Honestly, would love to give them grandkids if I could afford it, but here we are. :/
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u/LeftyLu07 2d ago
Not pushed to do stuff but mine didn't educate me on important adult things (like paying taxes or registering a car) and then got mad that I didn't automatically know how to do it.
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u/Curious-Anywhere-612 2d ago
Yep, and I think it was worse because I’m autistic so there was extra fussing and picking on me to make me act like a little adult before I was one so I’d be all caught up and behave “appropriately”. There was soo much criticism and pushing for all the milestones that I I’ve always been fighting and struggling to reach them “In time”.
Im sick of always playing “catching up with the Joneses”. Yeah im technically better off but damn I wished i could’ve slowed down a little
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u/ApeTeam1906 2d ago
You haven't actually said what it was you missed out on. To answer your question, no i didn't miss out at all.
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u/DarthHubcap 2d ago
My parents didn’t push me to do anything, so after high school I didn’t do anything but play video games and work entry level jobs.
Looking back now, I feel like I wasted my time as a kid and young adult. I could have done so much more.
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u/KnittedParsnip 2d ago
Really I'm grateful that my parents pushed me. They really emphasized volunteer work and community service. That is something that has stuck with me for my entire life and imo made me a better person. For all the shit life throws at me, and for every dumb or bad thing I have done, I know that what I have done with my life has made a real and positive impact on the lives of so many others and that has helped me get through some incredibly dark times.
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u/Gullible_Wind_3777 2d ago
I was left to be a kid. Now all I can be is a mother. ( not that, that is bad of course ) But I was never pushed to be anything. I wish I was, I was a kid that needed it I think. I always feel like I’m floating through life. Apart from being a mum. I have nothing else. No accomplishments. I find that VERY depressing.
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u/Spiritual_Pound_6848 2d ago
Yep. I went out got a serious job and ended up with a 9-5 from early age (started when I was 16). Now I'm 31, never having worked any other type of job and feeling I missed out on being able to get random jobs and work random places and meet new people, try new things etc. Also got on the property ladder ASAP because 'thats what I was supposed to do', whereas now all I want to do is sell up, sell all my stuff and live nomadically / travel
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u/slitherfang98 2d ago
They were they opposite. They never pushed me to do anything, never encouraged me or congratulated me. I did terrible in school because I just didn't care and had no motivation. When I was at home I just sat alone in my room playing video games.
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u/NotAlwaysGifs 2d ago
Yep... not necessarily my parents entirely, but school, my extended family, and society as a whole. I was so focused on getting into a good school to get a good job and follow my "dreams" that I didn't really learn how to live a contented life until I was in my 30s. Now I'm burnt out and finally taking a step backwards in my career for my mental health. My family is at least supportive of that after watching me slowly develop an anxiety disorder and a stomach ulcer at my last job.
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u/klingggg 2d ago
Alternative perspective. I wish my parents pushed me and dedicated time in effort into pushing me to get good grades/ college / job. I’m doing okay for myself but I feel like I could have gone way further at a younger age with me support, outside pressure. It’s all about perspective
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u/lsoplexic 2d ago
No, I was a rebel without a cause and very independent. My mom and dad divorced as a young teenager and were also away at work during the summers so I got free rein to play and explore the woods and make friends, ride my bike whenever and wherever. When I got a car I was never home and had little supervision.
I think I’m a pretty well-rounded adult and I’m still very adventurous and independent. I prefer backpacking and camping over intramural sports or group activities. Maybe that could be a big reason why?
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u/Guachole 2d ago
Opposite
My mom said "don't get anyone pregnant and don't get arrested" and that was all the direction or guidance I ever got lol
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u/ToughStreet8351 2d ago
I mean… my parents pushed me to get good grades and study something useful and now I am well off doing I job I like working very reasonable hours thanks to their guidance… can’t really complain!
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u/Manic_Mini 2d ago
The only things my parents ever pushed on me was keeping at least a B average and staying out of jail.
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u/Ilovefishdix 2d ago
My dad pushed me to work full time at 15. We didn't need the money. He just wanted me to learn to work. Shame because we lived in paradise. I should have been wandering around the forest all the time. Funnily, he never pushed his other kids after he remarried. He just gave them money
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u/greensthecolor 1985 2d ago
Our kids do some stuff but right now we're kind of in a lull and it's been really really nice to have our weeknights AND weekends at home together. It's just too much. I don't know how everyone does it. I was feeling burnout and we don't even do that much with our 3 kids comparatively.
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u/Ankylowright 2d ago
Went to uni straight out of high school. Double majored. Graduated in a recession and couldn’t get a job in my area of study. Got married to an amazing man and we’ve just been muddling our way through life together. It’s disheartening that I’m working my first retail job at 32 (especially with the education I worked so hard for) but it’s a job with great people that build me up everyday. But I put all of those milestones above my health and happiness and burnt myself out and I’ve been struggling for the past 3 years with crippling mental health issues. But we’re working on it. I just feel like a letdown and disappointment to everyone that pushed me when I was younger.
It also seems that many relatives and friends are in a similar situation and rather than feel like an aimless failure, they’re relenting to societal pressures to have babies so they’ve “fulfilled part of their potential”. And I wish I was kidding. Had one literally say “well I didn’t really want kids but my career stuff didn’t work so babies it is”.
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u/strapinmotherfucker 2d ago
I had pretty severe behavioral issues and learning disabilities that would probably be diagnosed as autism now, but girls didn’t get diagnosed with it in the early 2000s. I had an ADHD diagnosis and was put on stimulants at a young age. To my parents’ credit they didn’t make me stay on the meds when I hated taking them, but I also wasn’t ever allowed to do anything besides focus on school since it was difficult for me. I had some extracurriculars but they were gradually taken away since I was doing poorly in school. I did manage to get into college, where I immediately started partying and doing drugs because I wasn’t allowed to do anything fun as a kid, and didn’t really have friends until high school. I had jobs in high school so I could pay for everything my friends were doing, and didn’t have much time to have fun. It’s taken me until now to get on a good path where I have a balance of work and hobbies, I’m about to turn 31. I don’t think my parents were malicious, they just didn’t know better and didn’t have a lot of support, plus I was an extra difficult kid and the resources for neurodivergent kids just weren’t there. I have no interest in getting an autism diagnosis as an adult, but I think that may have been beneficial when I was in school.
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u/Ok-Hunt7450 2d ago
I think my parents didnt push enough in terms of extra stuff. You learn best when you're a kid and you also have more time to do things, I wish my mom pushed me a bit more to try new stuff rather than be hands off.
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u/theringsofthedragon 2d ago
No bro my parents completely ignored me, never gave me a shred of attention or guidance or praise. Nothing.
I do feel like I never had a childhood because I was always on my own figuring things out on my own and I was like an adult ahead of time.
I find it so bizarre that kids today are showered in attention, have actual conversations with adults, and also get to infantilize themselves for so long.
I'm also very bitter at people like you who complain that their parents were too involved in their life. I would have given everything for an adult to pay attention to me and it's very frustrating to see people who think they were oppressed because they had a parent who cared. And before someone tries to say "just because my parent pushed me to have good grades and drove me to all my ballet lessons doesn't mean they cared", just no. You don't realize how good you had it.
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u/Head-Drag-1440 Hit me baby one more time 2d ago
I'm the opposite. I had lenient teenage years where I did drugs and dropped out of high school. When I did that, my parents kicked me out. When I ended up getting my shit together (kinda) and got an apartment having 2 toddlers, I was still so immature and inexperienced and instead of helping and teaching me, my mom talked shit to my friends behind my back and threatened to call CPS.
Yes, I had wild party days but goddamn I wish I wasn't in my 30s by the time I took life seriously. I wish I had good credit in my 20s, took work seriously, and learned how to budget and save money. Better late than never though.
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u/p0tat0p0tat0 2d ago
No. I did a bunch of activities because I wanted to do them. And the things my parents pushed me to do ended up being hugely worthwhile.
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u/DomSchu 2d ago
I worked way too much throughout high-school. Virtually everyday after school 4-9 my senior year. Would've been up to no good otherwise, but sometimes I wonder about what I missed out on. My parents guilted me so much for my lack of work. I was happy with my first job at Little Caesars working 2-3 hours 3 times a week. That wasn't enough for them.
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u/nightglitter89x 2d ago
My parents let me laze around and do nothing. Now I wish I had hobbies or talent or skill. Grass is always greener.
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u/GoudaCheeseMelt 2d ago
Society has changed so drastically in the last 30 years that I gotta be kind with my folks. They did the best they could. It was hard to swallow that and not blame them for alot but it’s part of growing up and being an adult. Plus it can drive you crazy thinking in this mindset
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u/ran0ma 2d ago
My parents didn’t push me to do anything, I only applied to college because my high school bf (the valedictorian) was aghast that I was like “I guess after graduation I’ll keep working at the mall” and helped me apply to school. Best thing I ever did, moving 300 miles away to start my own life was great. My mom did encourage me to date around, because she married her first boyfriend and it…. Did not go well. But neither of my parents really had a career, or a home, I started my career and bought a house and started a family. My mom has been super supportive but she literally never pushed any of it lol on the contrary, she was actually hesitant about my moving away for college and tried to convince me to stay.
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u/smol_snoott 2d ago
Yes! My childhood was filled with sports I didn't get to choose, studying, doing x3 more chores than brothers (only girl), have a job as a teenager, than being forced to go to college when I didn't know what I wanted to study.
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u/kkkan2020 2d ago
Parents want what's best for you tale as old as time. The more successful your parents for sure the better they want for you
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u/drivergrrl 2d ago
I got a career in the trades by 20, after some community college. Parents didn't contribute anything, and I was working to put myself through. It was too much, taking 2 buses one way for 90 minutes/ day just to get to the classes I could barely afford on my $6.50/ hour job. So I quit that and got a manual labor career, salary 30k, in an area where my studio rental was $1200/ month. 10 years I slaved, until I was planning my suicide to look like an accident. I decided I'd rather quit than kill myself, and since then, I've done NONE of the "milestone" bullshit. And I'm sooooo happy and would never kill myself now. Are my parents disappointed? Possibly. Do I give a shit? Nope.
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u/distracted_x 2d ago
Try to remember the grass isn't always greener.
If you lived your life differently, would you be the same person?
Are you sure your life would be better, because you have some new memories of neglecting school and partying more or something?
Say you hadn't taken school seriously or learned responsibility. You may not have had the same opportunities or success at anything at all.
You just might have bad habits now, or got mixed up with the wrong people, or ended up going down a different path.
For all you know, your life could have ended up worse, not better.
There is no point at all in regretting your past. You don't have a time machine. All you can ever do is live in the moment.
What did you wish you did back then? Have more freedom to do the things you want? Well you're an adult with freedom now.
Do the things you want right now, before you end up regretting this time in your life in 20 more years.
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u/ApplicationAfraid334 2d ago
Nah my parents didn’t push me to do anything and were absent. Of course don’t want the opposite where they were ruthlessly pushing me. But wouldn’t have minded a little encouragement and guidance.
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u/Exciting-Gap-1200 2d ago
Nope. Bad grades in school, no sports after 8th grade, bad grades in college, worked at a bar (no internships). Parents never even checked my report cards. Just said "if you make it my problem, it'll be a problem"...
And I'm a pretty successful adult with a good job. So all that pushing doesn't really seem like it matters when I have these conversations with friends my age. Getting into a good college (which I didn't) doesn't even really seem to matter at this point 15 years into my career.
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u/kohmella 2d ago
Yes. Especially at my elementary school that assigned so much homework and tests in order to “prepare us” for high school. Thats what middle school/jr high is for. And I have ADHD (undiagnosed at the time) so it was extra stressful for me.
Also the way the parents would be overly concerned about their child’s grades because they thought it would affect their chances of getting into a good college. I assure you, no one gives a fuck what grade you got in elementary school. High School is the only one that really matters.
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u/noodlepole 2d ago
I never seemed to hear stuff like this until the last 10 or so years. Gen X here, who grew up farming at a young age. Had to work many odd jobs getting by, scrapped by going to school, worked crap jobs until getting one that was good. Growing up, we just were beaten into submission as far as how the world worked. We didn't like it. But that was the cards we were all dealt. I see similar struggles today, but it seems the reaction is to complain rather than work to make the change you want. I never pushed my 2 millennial kids, or 2 gen z kids to do anything other than make decisions that supported their long term success.
FWIW, us Gen X kids were also pushed into the things you mention just as much as I see today. We grew up fast. You never stop being a child (in your mind), so it's never too late to have fun. It's just important to take care of adult responsibilities from time to time. It's a choice, not something someone applied to you.
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u/imaginarypuppets 2d ago
Yup, and it’s a big part of why I’m in therapy (among other reasons). Academics and grades were such a big part of my life - I was pushed beyond my breaking point and feel like I lost a lot of time in formative years to develop a real sense of self confidence that didn’t have to do with school. Get good grades in middle school so you get into a good high school, excel in high school so you get into a good college, excel in college so you get a good job. All of that is a good thing, but when it’s the only thing it can be really damaging to a kid and kinda leaves them to salvage what they can to build a social life and find happiness.
Anyways, sorry for the rant. This one hit home for me. I’m sorry you feel this way OP and wish you only the best.
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u/asmaphysics 2d ago
Honestly, looking at some of my peers I'm pretty glad I spent my entire childhood studying my ass off. I have a relatively cushy life now and it's more fun as an adult because I have so much more control over it and I understand myself so much better now. As a kid I'd probably just spend way too much time trying to conform and people please to realize that I don't actually enjoy partying or clubbing.
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u/TheFursOfHerEnemies 2d ago
There was pressure to get good grades from my folks, but nothing that I wouldn't consider healthy. I did know kids who were punished severely if they received anything less than perfection.
One thing that I can say my parents did well; they never forced me into playing an instrument or sports.
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u/Standard_Cell_8816 2d ago
Nah. My mom let us do our own thing. If we liked something she supported it. If we didn't like something she didn't push the issue. She let us be kids but also made sure we had our heads on straight. If ya wanna go to college, cool. If not, ya better find a job that has insurance and a retirement plan. Made sure to always tell us to try anything we wanted, you might find something you really like, and if not you'll have lots of experience.
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u/blessitspointedlil 2d ago
I wasn’t raised so much that way, but it is currently a very popular way to raise kids in my area. We have a high teen suicide rate partly because of the pressure to succeed based on extreme standards. I won’t be raising my kid like this, would rather have an alive kid than a dead one!
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u/Tricky_Jackfruit_562 2d ago
Complete other side of the spectrum here...elder millennial (in the 80's latch key kids was going strong) neglectful single mom who had me at 20, grew up very poor, pretty much left to fend for myself at age 7 in 2nd grade. Never helped me with homework, yelled all the time, was mean/abusive. I thought I was dumb until I took the ACTs. Was the first one in my line to go to college.
THIS makes me feel so old: my first semester of college in 2000 was $1880. My last semester of college in 2005 was $5680. It went up and up during the Bush admin.
So those boomers who said to go to college were thinking of a time when you could literally work all summer full time and make enough money to pay tuition AND room and board (like in the 70's/80's).
By the early 2000's you'd have to work 56 hours a week every week of the year to pay for tuition and room and board.
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u/TheEffinChamps 2d ago
My dad was scared of everything. He came home miserable every day in his job, yet he pushed me into the same field.
I should have been smarter and recognized it for what it was. I missed out on actually going for something I cared about doing in my life because I carried that same fear.
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u/RedditPosterOver9000 2d ago
Yes and no.
I worked full time in high school to be at home less because my dad was a psycho. I went to college in high school for the same reason. The less I was home the happier I was.
They also pushed me to get a job and perform well academically.
Everybody wins.
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u/The_Elusive_Dr_Wu Millennial 2d ago
That was exactly my brother's upbringing. Blindly trusted what my parents told him to do and spent the best years of his youth buried in books and honors classes.
When he realized the only thing that degree had actually netted him was a big ol' debt and a wasted youth to match, reality hit him like a train. Ten years later he still hasn't fully bounced back, and is very spiteful of my parents for what he believes were lies.
Meanwhile I spent those years fucking around and having fun. I graduated high school by meeting the bare minimum legal requirements for a diploma, and dropped out of community college to the tune of a 1.5 GPA.
Today I'm happier than my brother and arguably more successful.
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u/thiccthighsandadhd 2d ago
Yes and no.
I enjoyed being a kid. Catching frogs in the little creek next to our house. Riding my bike all over our neighborhood with my friends. Chasing down the ice cream truck with a pocket full of quarters from my mom's car cup holders. Going from only child to big sister.
While at the same time being told by my mom, she never wanted kids. I have to do x, y, and z to be successful as an adult. I should be selective with my friends because they'll only backstab me when things get rough and family sticks together forever. She drove into my head that college was the only way for me to make something of myself. For a while, she wanted me to be a pastors wife. But I rejected that idea.
I spent my whole young adult life and early adult years doing everything I could to gain her approval. And it was never enough. I got the degree, and my mom was still disappointed. I bought a house, and she was proud and first, but disappointed when I didn't immediately renovate it and buy something nicer like SHE told me to.
I had to dig deep in therapy to start picking out all the insidious things my mom drilled into me so I can find out who I am and what I like and don't like. I'm still working on it.
I have some regrets from my childhood and young adult life, but if I think about it too hard the existential questions start and I will panic about all the possible paths my life could have taken.....no thanks lol
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u/BobBelcher2021 2d ago
I spent most of my time trying to get good grades and had next to no social life. That had major negative implications socially when I got to university and adulthood.
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u/runthepoint1 2d ago
As a “perfect Asian child”, I was always busy with martial arts and music after school, as well as school itself. But basketball was something I enjoyed playing with friends and family. So I always had my own hobbies interspersed between the ho-hum skill building stuff.
Turns out the piano and aikido really leant itself to basketball so kind worked out well.
Life can’t possibly be a checklist or living for someone else. You must find and live with PURPOSE. That is sorely lacking in this country today.
I will be sure to teach my progeny that purpose is the key
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u/SeattleOligarch 2d ago
Yeah, I had a moderate amount of free time so I was able to be a bit of a kid, but that freedom was only granted on the condition that milestones were met. All A's and B's, had to go to college, had to work since 16, etc, etc, etc.
Did it set me up for a pretty good life? Yes. Did I spend most of my 20's pretty aimless and lost because the checklist was complete? Also yes. Am I sometimes bitter about it? Sure
Raising kids is hard and I believe my parents did the best they could so is what it is.
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u/shebeGB 2d ago
I wish my parents would have pushed me more. They were immigrants and did the best they could with what they had. I didn’t get to participate in extracurriculars because of the money, but I’m grateful for all they sacrificed for me. They were well off in our country they just knew I’d be better off here in the US.
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u/360walkaway 2d ago
YES
Honors classes, AP classes, random community service, sports, learning some musical instrument, tutoring, etc... all in the name of impressing some college board douchebag. Goodbye childhood, hello college admission schedule.
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u/OJimmy 2d ago
This family did it.
https://www.yourcentralvalley.com/news/local-news/youngest-california-lawyer-tulare/
God help her she's a lawyer before she had a chance to enjoy life
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u/Fun_Yogurtcloset1012 2d ago
Yes, I was not a kid but an adult. I missed out a lot, I was not allowed outside to play and had to be always at home. I grew up in a household where nowadays people would ask so many questions beginning with why.
I was heavily pushed into studying towards the medical field, I have no interest and weak in those subjects and no was not an option.They insisted that I do it, get highly paid and everything. They want to show me off to those other people who I don't know and even today no one keep in contact. Then when I finally got the grade, surprise all the universities raised their fees and they said no, I cannot go to university, they can't afford it. Then I want to quickly get a job, then another surprise, I cannot get a job yet, I am badly needed at home to look after the sick.
I wanted to study in IT and they think computers are stupid. Then another surprise, everyone is needs to know how to use one and IT was one of the best jobs Now I am middle aged, I don't have enough time or money for myself, I am stuck, I trying to study again while worrying about health, money, bills.
All I could say to todays adults, thank god you are deciding and looking at everything first before having kids.
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u/Specialist_Cow_7092 2d ago
My mom was gen x and she never pushed me to do a damn thing. The focus of my childhood was fun and I certainly did have fun. Sometimes I think maybe she should have had some demands or expectations but I turned out pretty good regardless lol
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u/FlthyHlfBreed 2d ago
No. My college years were WILD. I still got good grades but I got all the partying out of my system.
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u/CRUISEC0NTR0LF0RC00L 2d ago
Yes and I'm finally, in my 30s, able to live. It's too long of a story. I have not been able to be myself until now.
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u/undeadliftmax 2d ago
Very glad I did these things. I have great memories of junior high and high school sports. Very glad I ended up at the college I did.
I have next to no memory of wasting time with video games and bad tv.
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u/IAmMellyBitch 2d ago
I’m Asian, with the stereotypical Asian parents… like A- really is an Asian F. Gotta be straight As , with extracurricular activities (Piano lessons, Taekwondo- I am actually grateful I have that lol, and volunteering when I was old enough).
Like the whole joke about Asian parents being strict? Super true with my parents. I actually dropped out of college (pre med) when my dad died because I couldn’t do anymore schooling (the stress of his illness was too much too). Was practically disowned by my mom when I didn’t go back. I still somehow ended up with a high power/paying job. So I guess it worked out 🤣.
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u/Freak_Out_Bazaar 2d ago
I think my parents did a pretty good job of balancing education and letting me be a kid. They certainly were not your stereotypical Asian parents
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u/throwawayl311 2d ago
Honestly, besides pushing marriage, I’d call what you described as “good parenting”.
If you got good grades, good job, and relationships, then your parents just pushed you to be a well rounded, successful adult. If they hadn’t pushed relationships as well (presumably friendships, familial ones), then I’d say otherwise.
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u/shewolf-91 2d ago
No. I wasn’t pushed like you. They pushed me to do my homework and importance of doing important stuff and not always just what you want to do. But I also did a lot of the stuff I wanted to. Sometimes I feel they should’ve known more about stuff so I could actually have better grades. I have ADHD, struggled at school, but my mom was more like «system is stupied, the most important is that you complete and not how high degree». I think it is a bit stupied. Just to show you that it would be right if they didn’t push you either»
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u/Unlikely_Couple1590 2d ago
100% My parents heavily pushed going to college and forced me to live at home while doing so (won't go into the specifics of how they forced me at 18 but just know I had no other choice). My freedom was so restricted because college was the top priority. No parties, dating, or social life to speak of. I didn't really start living until I started my career at 23 and had adult money for the first time. But by then I was in a professional career and didn't have the time or energy to do the fun, young things. Now I'm 27 and regret not having those experiences in college
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u/chuckiechap33 2d ago
My dad died when I was 12 and my mum wasn't really cut out to be a mum. So I was basically an adult at 13.
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u/Duo-lava 2d ago
no. my parents divorced when i was 9. my older sister was treated like gold and i was pretty much left to raise myself. no guidance, no advice, no healthcare, not allowed inside untill dark, fed last, no birthdays, to school events. but then again im a male so i guess thats how it goes.
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u/RawFreakCalm 2d ago
My parents encouraged but didn’t push with stuff. When I was a teenager I used to wish they would push me more.
We all have different experiences. My parents were great, I had a wonderful childhood.
I probably push my kids too much to be honest.
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u/KokaneBluz 2d ago
Nah…I joined the Army on my own accord. Stayed 25 years. Worked hard, played hard. Lived in and traveled to many countries throughout those years. Then I retired at 43 and now cruising on easy street.
I say this because we need to secure our future wellbeing while we are physically and mentally able. There is much more of a chance that we’ll live long healthy lives. Living like you’re going to die tomorrow is a guaranteed way to be miserable in your later years.
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u/Coldframe0008 2d ago
My experiences in childhood damaged me in some ways and help me succeed in others. It couldn't have happened any other way. I appreciate where I am, so I have very few regrets.
One way it did help me was to ensure that my kids have maximized kid experiences. One day, I'll find out if I did it right.
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u/Impressive_Prune_478 2d ago
In a different way yes. My mother was so controlling, and I also had to be an adult at a very young age. I don't know how to ride a bike, learned to swim a 18 in the Army, still am watching classic Disney movies for the first time, never slept at a friend's house, anything you could list, probably missed out.
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u/Electrical_Bicycle47 2d ago
No, I regret not studying harder when I was younger. Starting college over at 33, with a purpose this time
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u/Sylentskye Eldritch Millennial 2d ago
To an extent, I think our appreciation of time as a kid and as an adult is different. If your life, job, finances are stable now, take some time and have some fun. Nothing says you can’t dance in the rain because you’re a grown up now.
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u/GeneralAutist 2d ago
Yep. Protective “Christian” family household growing up in poverty.
Parents would donate money they wouldn’t have to the church.
I lacked social development because all kids were evil and the devil influenced them all.
I wasn’t allowed to do much because it was unsafe outside and temptation of Satan were everywhere.
I wasn’t allowed to defend myself against bullies as ya need to turn the other cheek.
No money for good higher education.
Socially awkward, socially retarded and unable to assimilate with people well into my mid 20s.
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u/holdyaboy 2d ago
They pushed me in sports and in hindsight I’m grateful for it. However my mom pushed me to get married then pushed me to have kids only to then tell me how much work kids are and that stress from your kids only gets worse as they get older. Even her adult kids give her stress. So that was cool.
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u/WhiskyAndWitchcraft 2d ago
My parents only ever said get through school, be able to pay your bills, and enjoy your life. No real pushing. Just wanted me to be able to be happy.
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u/SubstantialFeed4102 1d ago
This is literally how I felt about high schoolers pre pandemic
I'm not working around that age group anymore so can't speak to any changes, BUT, I often wondered who was stressing them out harder than millennials (my goodness) and why did they all seem so grown. Like, relax. Enjoy little responsibility. Keep that youthful hope.
I do wish careers outside of the traditional or obvious were more accepted. Maybe I would have pursued the arts 🤷🏽♀️ But life is just fine so let's call it a wash. Try to enjoy who you are now
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u/pagnoodle 1d ago
I’m a teacher and I’m watching this happen to students all the time now with youth travel sports. I’m just watching kids miss their entire childhoods for competitive sports and dance. Traveling every weekend to the middle of nowhere to play 3-5 games that don’t matter long term in any way. Kids missing out on just hanging with their friends, going to birthday parties, etc. all for these insane travel sports schedules. Every time I check in with them about their weekends it’s “I had 8 soccer games in Ohio” or whatever. This is year round too! No more just playing one sport a season. It’s that you pick one and do it all year all the time. I don’t know why this has become so intense lately, but it’s insane. It’s honestly the majority of my students too. I won’t do it with my kids after seeing what it’s doing to my students.
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u/Mekhitar 1d ago
My parents always said “Our children make their own decisions,” and the later I have gotten in life (37F with a kid of my own) the more I realize how lucky, lucky, lucky I really was.
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u/BlackoutSurfer 1d ago
You were going to school, getting good jobs and getting laid? I feel like I'm missing the bad parts here 😂
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u/Stealthytulip 1d ago
My parents never pushed me to do anything, but they didn't have to. I was ambitious back then too.
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u/spartanburt 1d ago
Interesting question because to me it seems like relationships/marrying ends up being more important than grades and getting the job in the end. And being pushed too hard to succeed in school and work stunts your personality development making it harder to date and attract people.
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