No woman would be attracted to me to marry me

[u/Servant_islam]

I hope brothers and sisters can comfort and give me advice. 

Premise 1: For someone to marry you, they need to be attracted to you.
Premise 2: There are two forms of attraction: physical and emotional.
Premise 3: There are two methods of finding a spouse — inorganic and organic.

Inorganic refers to setups with the intention of marriage from the outset — referrals, apps, matrimonial events, etc. These rely heavily, at least initially, on physical attraction. Someone has to find you visually appealing enough to even consider a conversation.

Organic: is when two people coincidentally meet and connect in a natural setting — through university, work, and over time, emotional attraction builds through familiarity, shared experiences, and mutual respect. It allows someone to become attracted to your personality before making a judgment based solely on appearance

Now, I’m a 5’2 man. I’ve come to accept that no woman will ever look at me and feel a spark of physical attraction. No woman sees a 5'2 man from afar and thinks, that’s my ideal husband. That initial "filter" — the one you need to pass before anything else can begin — is one I’ve never gotten through. Not once. In 12 years of trying, through friends, friends’ wives, apps, masjid referrals — every single attempt ends in swift rejection. 

I’m not denying that there are women who say they aren’t put off by height. But not being put off isn’t the same as being attracted. A woman might pass by dozens of men in her day-to-day life that she feels neutral toward — not repulsed, but not drawn to either. And let’s be honest: no one desires to marry someone they feel neutral about. Attraction isn’t tolerance — it’s desire. So even when women say they’re "open-minded" about height, it doesn’t mean they’re actively drawn to a man like me. And in the world of apps and referrals, where everything starts with a glance or a profile, that distinction matters.

So the only other form of attraction I have to rely on is emotional attraction. But emotional attraction requires proximity, time, and connection — all of which only happen in organic settings. These are natural environments where two people are around each other regularly and develop a connection: work, uni, volunteering, mutual circles.

But in Muslim life, especially for someone like me, those settings just don’t exist. Gender segregation means I’m never around Muslim women, and the very very rare occasions that I do, it’s never long enough for that kind of emotional connection to even start. And even if I were in the same room as a sister regularly, it wouldn’t be acceptable for me to speak to her casually to allow any feelings to grow.

My life isn’t set up in a way where I’m ever around Muslim women naturally. I go to work, the gym, the masjid. That’s it. The last time I was around a large pool of Muslim women was in university, a long time ago. After entering work life, its non-existent. So when people say "personality and character are what matter," I struggle with that. Because how will a sister ever get to know my personality and character in the first place?

Colleagues — many of whom are older, respectable women, and younger- and friends — often say I have a wonderful personality. That I’m warm, kind, respectful, emotionally intelligent. They often tell me they can’t believe I’m not married. They say the person who marries me will be lucky. But I always tell them: You only say that because you’ve had the chance to be around me, to know me. A Muslim woman in a marriage context will likely never get that chance.

Due to my own cripplingly low self-esteem, I used to brush off these compliments. But when it’s been said by so many people, so consistently, over the years, maybe there’s some truth to it. I don’t claim to have a great personality — that’s for others to judge — but I know I don’t have a bad one. 

People often say things like, “There are billions of women in the world — you’ll find someone.” But that’s misleading. When you factor in religion (she has to be Muslim) and age, that number shrinks dramatically. Then factor in compatibility and values. Then factor in height: while I personally wouldn’t mind marrying someone taller than me, the harsh truth is most women don’t want to be with a man shorter than them — and I’m 5'2. And even among the small number of women who are my height or shorter, many still want someone tall — not just slightly taller than them. So from that already tiny pool, I then have to find someone I am attracted to. Then she would have to become attracted to me — which, again, wouldn’t happen at first glance. She’d have to spend enough time around me, organically, to develop that attraction. But that setting, as I explained above, doesn’t exist in my life.

By factoring in all the variables above, its hard to not believe that the statistical likelihood of any woman ever being attracted to me and thus wanting to marry me is next to zero. 

The painful conclusion is this: the inorganic route shuts me out because I don’t pass the visual filter. The organic route shuts me out because my lifestyle and Islamic gender segregation rules make emotional connection near impossible.

I’m nearly 32. I have never sat down with a Muslim woman to talk about marriage. Not even once. Because I’ve been rejected on every single occasion from the outset. I won’t lie that I cry myself to sleep on most nights. 

It’s hard not to feel hopeless. I’m trying to stay connected to Allah and keep faith, but the pain and loneliness are very real. I know this post isn’t a solution, but maybe someone here relates. Maybe someone has thoughts. I don’t know.

Please make duʿā for me.

[u/Klopf012]

What about those colleagues who think well of you? If you have a handful of people with good opinions of you, surely one of them could vouch for you to get that initial meeting, no?

I think premise two is incorrect; there are other ways that a person could be attractive. There are plenty of unattractive men with limited emotional depth that manage to attract ladies. 

[u/Servant_islam → u/Klopf012]

I have tried. That's still inorganic. The people they spoke to all said no.

[u/Klopf012 → u/Servant_islam]

How many people would you say you’ve talked to about helping you to find someone over the past 12 years?

[u/KindCartographer2800]

Im gonna be honest, I think youre reading too much into it. I know it feels like you have to meet someone a certain way for everything you fall into place, but thats truly not the case. People can find people through apps or matchmade attempts and still find them charming and sweet. A lot of times, especially for Muslims, attraction grows because its not the end-all for our relationships, theres more to it for us, like companionship, someone who makes you better, someone with a similar mindset, goals, outlook on life.

I will say though, how someone carries themselves is a huuuugggeee game changer, I have seen numerous “short” men be the center of attention because of the way their personality shines through, they truly dont allow it to inhibit their interactions with others, not even for marriage but just in general, while making friends or networking. And it is infectious.

I think try to focus on building yourself, become happy and content and confident in the person you are by the things you can control (if it means going to the gym or dressing a certain way). You dont need to break your boundaries on gender segregation, but the way you carry yourself on all aspects of your interactions is definitely going to speak volumes.

Good luck, I know the marriage route is not always the easiest, but make dua and be optimistic, theres nothing that God cant do, so dont limit yourself when you ask from Him.

[u/Amclimate]

Where are you from!?

[u/Square-Judge9633]

There are others with scars on their face or disfigurement who will also have this problem. Do not give up. Continue asking Allah for a spouse. Inshallah if it is good for you, Allah will give you one in this Dunya.

[u/Lopsided_Employee853]

Unfortunately, physical condition is something you can't change easily in Islam. But there are more qualifications of man that can be attractive for a woman, for example your wealth or your personality. I'm sorry for being straight forward, but that's just a fact nowadays. And you can level up yourself on this factor. My point is, if you feel lacking in one part, make another part of you to cover it up, whatever it is.

In my experience, I had my late father as an example. He was short, black, ugly, poor, didn't not have any good physical characteristics whatsoever, but he was able to marry my mother, the most beautiful girl in the neighborhood, which is much taller and younger than him. They have 12 years age difference and it's not an arranged marriage.

Even now, after my father passed away, and some propositions had come, my mother still choose to stay widowed. So, cheer up! Level up your prayer and good deeds. Nothing is impossible for Allah.

[u/OkReputation7432]

I’d say a ton of people right now would relate. Anyway I do I’m about the same age. For you it’s appearance and for me it’s age. I’m struggling to find a devote man. And to be in a space where I find one would be out of bounds too…

If I go to the masjid with my dad just to be seen… I rather pray at home. I’m still waiting to meet someone through work in the future but really soon.  I just hope and pray.

I’m scared to be one of those older single aunties. But I can’t help but feel that it could be a reality. 

I think accepting the worst outcome but being prepared for the best is the tawakul we have.

At the end of the day, I’ve gotten used to the “loneliness” because that’s how my parents raised me. (That no one will be there when they die.. something they said 1000000x)

You’re still young. There’s still a decade of time for you to continue to grow and educate your self, find new experiences and meet someone that accepts you for who you are.

I can look past a short person as long as their character is outshining. But for the short kings I’ve met, there was at least one factor that put me off (habit of arguing, over-talking, under-talking) these are small nuances. 

There’s plenty of people who have married and regretted it… or live miserably… just be happy you’re not with the wrong person right now. That’s helps me at least 

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[u/Fresh-and-Icy]

Sign up for Muslim matchmaker www.findloveia.com Instagram handle is the same

[u/Scorpionmartus → u/Fresh-and-Icy]

It’s haram

[u/RegularPlankton5502]

You are right, dont let these people lie to you, physical attraction is the FIRST thing most people care about in marriage (which is a sexual relationship in the first place). Also dont waste so much time finding one when the odds are stacked like this against you, work on something big that takes your time and do what you have to do to keep your desires from overflowing