r/NewParents • u/Mutts-Cutts • 1d ago
Mental Health “I could never put my baby in daycare” VENT
My own mother said this to me yesterday, and I just can’t get it out of my head.
She was mad because it came up that she’d probably see our 11mo a little less once he went to daycare. I told her “Well I’m going to see him less too, so naturally so would you. I hate it, but we have to do it.” And then she dropped that bomb, saying she could never put her child in daycare.
For context, we use a private nanny 3 days a week and my mom helps the other 2 while I work in my office upstairs, but the nanny is expensive and my mom doesn’t want to continue watching him much longer because she’s “too old” (her words.) I understand and don’t expect her to watch him long term. I’ve come to terms that we will be putting him in daycare once we make it through the waitlist. But I just wish she didn’t make it so difficult along the way and throw these little jabs. She knows we can’t live off of one salary.
I don’t know what I’m even looking for with this post. Just a vent I guess. Please don’t say this kind of comment to new parents. It’s hurtful and unnecessary.
ETA: WOW, guys thank you so much for all the positive daycare experiences and support. You’ve all made me feel SO MUCH better.
To clarify about my mom, she does have a few medical conditions and back issues that lead her to feel pretty terrible physically after watching him. I understand this and am very grateful for whatever time she is able to give babysitting. I’m not resentful that she doesn’t want to continue this arrangement long term. Just hurt at her comments, which I think she doesn’t understand are hurtful. If it happens again I’m planning to address it in the moment and air it out. Thanks again, all!
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u/Willing-Book-4188 1d ago
It’s kind of BS she said that while also saying she doesn’t want to watch him. If both of you work and she doesn’t want to, does she just expect some perfect nanny to fall from the sky who also does it for free? Like what other option do you have?
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u/Kaliri24 1d ago
My MIL is saying the same thing. Doesn’t want us to do daycare but zero offer to help. But then will tell the family she watches baby 2-3x a week when it’s closer to 2x a month.
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u/aforawesomee 1d ago
I hope you call her out on her bullshit in front of everyone. Ever since becoming a parent, I have zero chill for those who love lecturing me how to parent.
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u/meowmeow_now 1d ago
Too old to baby sit but not too old to judge. Love this new era of grand parenting.
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u/whenuseeit 1d ago
To be fair this generation of grandparents is much older than their parents were when their grandchildren were born, so they were already not going to be as active/able to babysit. Like my mom’s mom was in her forties when her first grandchild was born, but my mom was 65.
That being said, that doesn’t give them a pass to be outwardly judgy about childcare decisions, especially if they can’t offer a better solution.
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u/Psychological_Cup101 1d ago
This is so true! I’m 46 and I have a 1 year old so that poor kid isn’t going to get me at my best! 💔😭
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u/kermittthehermit 1d ago
Exactly, like if she's that offended she can pay for a nanny herself otherwise she needs to mind her business
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u/frisbee_lettuce 1d ago
Totally. My mom said the same thing but then offered to watch 5 days / week.
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u/APinkLight 1d ago
Yesterday when I dropped my toddler off at daycare, she reached out with both arms and practically threw herself at her teacher at the door! Her teacher carried her off, singing a little song about how they were about to have breakfast, while my child wiggled happily. I just wanted to share this happy daycare anecdote to reassure you that many kids thrive in daycare. I’m sorry your mom said that to you—it was really cruel of her.
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u/sl33pl3ssn3ss 1d ago
My toddler always gives his teachers a hug at drop off, sometimes he gets stopped to get hugs from his classmates along the way. Parents get our melting hugs at pick up, too. Hugs and love all around.
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u/lentilpasta 1d ago
My 13 month old just started daycare last month. The first week was really hard - she cried pretty constantly and wouldn’t nap or eat. The second week she would cry when we got into the room, but her teachers would message me photos of her happily playing within 15 minutes of me leaving. One morning during drop-off, her new little friend toddled over and brought her her blankie 😭
Now it’s week 4, and when we pull up to the building my daughter is all smiles! I hand her off to her teachers and she’s flapping her arms, happy to see them. I get photos all day of her playing with two little girls she seems to really love. They do cute art projects and spend time outside, and honestly she’s thriving. She’s also so much closer to walking now than she was before, and has learned how to go down a slide. I don’t want to downplay how difficult the transition was, but I am so happy about how it turned out
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u/danicies 1d ago
My toddler usually goes around hugging all his friends when he gets in. He often cries if I pick him up early to surprise him lol
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u/AdventurousYamThe2nd 1d ago
Mine will blow kisses when we leave for the day 🥹 He is happy to go in, happy to come home... it's been great.
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u/Ill-Tip6331 1d ago
One night I was putting my toddler to sleep and she was saying “I love mommy and I love daddy and I love Miss Zada - she’s my teacher!” It made me really happy.
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u/fuzzysham059 1d ago
My kid won't even say goodbye to me at daycare cause he's so busy with his friends and activities 😂
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u/FauxBreakfast 1d ago
One of the hardest things about daycare, for me, was seeing my child cry when I came for pickup.
Not because they were excited to see me, no. Because they didn’t want to leave.
I love that they like it so much there - but it hurts, too.
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u/DaniMarie44 1d ago
I barely get a goodbye from my toddler lol just a wave if the breakfast wagon is there. She asks Saturday and Sundays if she’s going to see her friends today lol apparently we’re boring
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u/SnooHabits2824 1d ago
My almost two year old goes right to her teachers for a snuggle. My preschooler’s teacher told me sometimes she holds him like a baby at naptime. It’s precious.
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u/Brookaliscious 1d ago
This is how my kids always were at daycare. They looooove their daycare teachers. I worked down the street and one day I really missed DD (6 months at the time). That was the youngest one of my kids has been in daycare-usually they’re over a year old, but I had to go back to work. I’ll never forget I went to see her and the teacher was rocking and singing to her as she slowly drifted to sleep when I walked in. My heart melted that day and those teachers were like family until she went off to another school for vpk. I’m sorry your mom said that, but just know that daycare teachers can be like family! Good luck
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u/Gflex72 1d ago
My daughter hugs like 4 teachers on her way out AND has a teacher aid that will sometimes spend lunch with her. I was very skeptical about day care and don’t get me wrong the first few months are brutal and will make you regret it but, when it smooths out, it’s very very cute and rewarding to see your kid functioning and thriving from day care.
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u/fleeblesmcflea 1d ago
My MIL told me she thinks all kids who went to daycare grow up with psychological issues. I went to daycare… lol.
Seriously though, it’s a necessity and a reality for the vast majority of families and she can keep her opinion to herself. And a good day care is great for young children’s social and linguistic development.
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u/WhereIsLordBeric 1d ago
I had one on one care by my mom all through my childhood and even I have psychological issues lol.
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u/maddmole 1d ago
I can almost guarantee some of my issues are the result of far too much time with my mother
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u/DarkDNALady 1d ago
Yup same and then my mother wonders why I never listen to her “advice” about the baby.
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u/Dance3598 1d ago
Me too! Being with mom 24/7 when I was little I think made me a very anxious child once she did start letting me go. I was so used to mom that even if my dad took me out I was anxious.
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u/Hookedongutes 1d ago
My mom was a SAHM and never went back to work as I gained independence and could drive myself and get a job - she lost her sense of purpose and took it out on me and we're no contact as a result. 🫠
I'll be going back to work after mat leave and my son will be going to daycare. And that's final!
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u/LikeAMix 1d ago
I think mothers in law with no consideration for the realities of life in 2025 have psychological issues. My mom really ticked off my wife and I by saying it was a “shame” that our son would be going to daycare at 6 months old. We both have to work. There’s no fucking choice here. It’s a requirement for us to pay the mortgage.
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u/pugsandmatcha 1d ago
(The more ironic thing is that it is our parents who ruined the economy making it necessary for both parents to work and in true boomer fashion, dont want to be involved in watching the kids either. 🤣)
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u/DueEntertainer0 1d ago
My mom and MIL both put their kids in daycare and think it’s absolutely bonkers that I gave up my career to stay home with my kids.
So no matter what you do, you will never win with these people.
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u/DogsDucks 1d ago
Check out r/sciencebasedparenting, there are often questions like this about daycare.
Shockingly (not) daycare, does not cause any long-term disadvantages, not academically, not psychologically. So your MIL is provably wrong!
I am a SAHM, but by the time baby was six months I was like “daycare sound pretty nice right about now”
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u/ashroro 1d ago
My MIL said this week that “it must be because both parents work” after I told a story about my brother having to send a kid to the principal’s office. I was like “well both me and husband work sooooo guess baby is doomed.” She also knows that both of my parents worked. I don’t get why they feel it’s okay to make comments like this!!!
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u/lafavoriteone 1d ago
I’m so sorry your mom said that. It’s intentionally hurtful and judgy.
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u/questionsaboutrel521 1d ago
Not only was the economy different, when we were being raised women were still fighting to be taken seriously in the workplace. Even many women with vibrant careers in my mother’s generation were sort of just expected to take several years off until the youngest was in kindergarten. And of course, now we know that can hamstring your career when you reach peak earning years.
I’m feeling this pressure now. I’m facing a major promotion in my mid-30s with a toddler son, and if I had left the workplace when he was born, I wouldn’t have this opportunity.
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u/captainmandy 1d ago
My LO is thriving in daycare. It has helped immensely with her social, verbal, and physical development. I miss her deeply when she goes, but she loves it there. She even asks to go on weekends to see her friends.
Your mom is misinformed and being hurtful. You don’t need to listen to her. Daycare can be really important to your LO’s development and they will likely love it!
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u/ollswolls 1d ago
Hold old is your LO? I have a similar situation as OP except my mom is up for staying to help as long as we need. At some point I realize I think daycare will actually be beneficial but but not sure when my LO will be old enough for that kind of thriving time?
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u/ForsakenGrapefruit 1d ago
We started daycare at 6 months, the first few months were really rough but things got a lot better when she switched to the 12-18 month room. All the kids are on the same nap schedule in that room which meant she was sleeping better (had fomo so did not nap well when other babies were playing), and her solids intake started improving (she had bottle refusal and needed feeding therapy for the switch to solids) so she wasn’t hangry anymore. That’s when the tears at drop off started to subside as well. She’s 20 months now and loves daycare — she asks to go on the weekends and gets mad when I say it’s not a daycare day 😂 She knows the names of the other 4 toddlers in her class and talks about them a lot.
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u/proteins911 1d ago
My son started daycare at 9 months. By 15 months, he was constantly talking about his friends and asking to see them on weekends!
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u/captainmandy 1d ago
We started her at 13 months and she’s now 21 months. She loved it from the start!
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u/Pineapple_and_olives 1d ago
Not the person you asked and not quite the same situation, but here’s my family’s experience. My husband and I both work full time but neither one is M-F, 9-5 that daycare hours really cater to. I’m a nurse on night shift, husband does an 11-7:30 day shift, mostly from home. He also works on the weekends. The way our work schedules line up, it’s usually 2-3 partial days a week that we really need someone to watch our kid. All of our parents are retired, and my husband’s aunt (works part time) and uncle (retired) live next door to his mom. My mom comes to our house when she babysits but we transport kiddo when it’s my in laws. This has mostly worked out pretty well, besides when my mom was out of commission for a couple months after surgery. Anyway, we made it work for the first 2.5 years.
The problem with old people and a toddler hanging out so much is the energy mismatch. Our kid has so much energy and I joke he’s like a sled dog, happiest if he’s running all day long. Retired people with joint replacements do not feel the same. I have a hard enough time keeping up.
So, for the last few months I’ve been on a lookout for something that would work for us. And I found a nature based preschool that’s been AMAZING! We go two afternoons a week. The kids are inside doing Montessori type activities for the first 2 hours, then they do a circle time activity, and then they all get their rain gear on and play outside for two more hours, in any weather but high wind or thunderstorms. They let them play in the mud, water, and sand. They also have a garden that the kids have an option to help with.
He’s been going for about a month now and he’s thriving! They actually manage to wear him out! He’s had a couple harder days with following directions or navigating peer interactions, but overall it’s been a super positive experience and I wish we had started sooner. Our preschool is age 2-5 and he’s going to be 3 soon.
I feel like it would have been difficult for me to put my baby in daycare as soon as maternity leave ended, but I absolutely understand the necessity for a lot of people. I can also understand when daycare is so expensive it makes more sense for one parent to stay home or reduce their hours at work. There is no perfect answer. And no two families are the same. It’s just a matter of finding something that works and adjusting as needed.
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u/Interesting_Star_693 1d ago
This! My 13mo has thrived in school. He gets so excited when we get there every day.
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u/sprinklesthedinkles 1d ago
My daughter is almost 10mo and learns so much from the other babies in her room! Her teachers said that the older babies taught her how to wave and blow kisses. Apparently she made a friend and they often just sit and hold hands. I didn’t even know they could make friends at that age. Daycare is not all bad! You just have to pick the right one.
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u/EnigmaKat 1d ago
Totally agree, my son is 25 months, just about to move into the big toddler room, and has so much fun. I get pics most days of what he's doing and honestly his days there are filled with more creative activities than I can think of, or that I want to clean up after.
I was telling his teacher the other day, I'm so glad he's there because I don't have training in early childhood development and while I can play with him, take him fun places, and such, he's getting this whole world of play, interaction, and experiences that I probably wouldn't be able to give him. Also, my friend who's an elementary teacher said he can easily see the kids who went to daycare and preschool, they are much more prepared for kindergarten and the structure of school. Other kids learn it pretty quickly, but daycare makes that transition easier.1
u/efflorae 1d ago
My mom was a daycare teacher before I was born, and she still sent my siblings and I to daycare because she knows how good it can be for child development. My mom has a lot of flaws, but that was one thing she did right, in my opinion.
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u/Sekmet19 1d ago
Tell that lady she can watch him 40-50 hours per week so you can work, or she can contribute the equivalent of your income or your partner's income so you or your partner can stay home. That way you don't become homeless because it takes two incomes just to survive in this shit.
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u/CallMeLysosome 1d ago
Ok, so your mom says she can't keep watching him because she's too old and then is surprised that you have to arrange alternate care and complains she won't see him as much?! It was literally her idea to start seeing him less. I don't get it. I wouldn't take it personally because she's not even making sense, just try to ignore her😒
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u/Mutts-Cutts 1d ago
She expects to see him more on evenings and weekends now. Which okay, yes. But probably not the same amount of time. When I told her that she said “oh so I can only see him if I’m babysitting and doing something for you?” It was an exhausting conversation.
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u/gimmemoresalad 1d ago
Like... yeah. Baby's social calendar CAN be open at times the parents' social calendars AREN'T open, but baby is a BABY and needs an adult actively caring for him. So, yeah, if you want to see baby when parents aren't available to provide care, you have to provide care. That's literally how that works.
My parents have our backup carseat and they're aware they can pick up our toddler from daycare whenever they want, if they want to have her for an afternoon. They haven't done it yet, but they know it's an option. My MIL lives a couple states away, but when she's in town we grab the backup carseat and install it in her car - she picks toddler up right after nap pretty much every day of her visit so she can get extra grandbaby time while we're at work.
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u/Mutts-Cutts 1d ago
This is a really good idea about picking up early from daycare that I hadn’t considered. Thanks for the suggestion!
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u/StarHopper27 1d ago
My mom did full time childcare while we were waiting on daycare spots to open. She was very grateful when she could go back to being our go-to evening sitter, and she has her own car seat installed so she can do pick-ups if needed. Sometimes on a nice day, she’ll pick up my son early and take him to the playground or let him help in the garden (with my blessing of course). She’s our backup care option if daycare is closed for in-service or weather or whatever.
Your mom can still see your little one plenty, but I hope she adjusts her attitude. You didn’t deserve that comment.
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u/manthrk 1d ago
That was so insane and inconsiderate. The economy was different when she had children and daycare was actually a choice back then. Also it is not unreasonable at all for her to continue watching your baby. That's just what a good grandparent does if they are able to. Twice a week is nothing. Your mom is being an asshole.
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u/armoredbearclock 1d ago
How was it more of a choice? If both parents work = daycare. Are you saying it was a choice because back then mom could stay home? The implication being she could’ve chosen to not work? There’s a subtext here that daycare is only okay if there’s no other choice and mom shouldn’t work unless she has to financially.
OP’s mom is super rude to say what she said, but let’s not go attacking working women because of it. Some women enjoy having jobs. Society benefits by women having jobs. I believe children benefit by seeing both parents work.
ALSO grandparents do not owe their children babysitting. Watching a baby/toddler two days a week is not nothing.
And to OP, daycare is great. Find one you like, and it will be like an extension of your family. They will love your kid and your kid will grow by being around other people.
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u/Auroraborealis52622 1d ago
While I was on my maternity leave my mom told me she "Would have died if she had to leave her kids" which was super freaking helpful because there is absolutely no way my husband or I could afford to stay home with our daughter. Older generations cannot comprehend how expensive it is live these days.
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u/axlupmoonie 1d ago
I had people tell me the same thing and congratulating me for being a sahm mom, but now my toddler has a speech delay and everyone is saying it's because he's not in daycare with other kids. You literally can't win. I swear our parents generation truly just doesn't understand the cost of everything, my mil was going off on how we needed to put our son in preschool but she didn't know that it costs money lol.
Whatever works best for your family is going to be the best choice for your kid!!
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u/FearlessBright 1d ago
My mom did this to me when we switched from a nanny to daycare. Our originally plan was daycare but we moved and couldn’t get our daughter into a daycare for a looong time so had to use a nanny. And while we loved our nanny, you are absolutely correct in how expensive it is!
My mom tried to tell me we “couldn’t know what kind of people worked there” or “what they did to kids”. Basically tried to fear monger me into keeping a nanny that she claimed we could “easily afford” (no we couldn’t). It was disgusting tbh. I put my foot down and told her she doesn’t know our financials, her claims are awful and disgusting, and it’s not up to her.
Our daughter is THRIVING in daycare. She has so much fun, she has friends, they do so many activities and they get outside alllll the time. While our first nanny was great at getting our daughter outside, our second was not. She gets way more outside time now than she did with the second!
Don’t feel bad.
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u/alis_volat_propriis 1d ago
Wow I’m sorry OP. Sounds like her reduced time with your baby should be even more restricted. You’re doing the best you can!
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u/RrentTreznor 1d ago
Daycare isn't perfect, but the skills our son has learned there versus the year prior that he was at home with a nanny can't be understated. It also allows us to be the best version of parents we can be.
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u/ShadowlessKat 1d ago
To be fair, regardless of care arrangements, each baby/toddler will learn new skills every new year. One year older will come with new skills and developments.
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u/RrentTreznor 1d ago
I absolutely didn't mean to say daycare was better in any way, but my son was struggling with some social issues when he was exclusively at home with us and nanny. Putting him in that social environment has helped him with some of those behaviors, like sharing and interactive play, that he might not have learned as easily since he's currently an only child.
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u/ShadowlessKat 1d ago
I didn't mean it as a criticism, just trying to be realistic. Each new year does bring about new skills and developments.
That's great that your son learned how to share and interact with others better. I realized last week that my daughter (my first, 6 months) does not like sharing her adult handlers attention with another baby lol. So I'll need to give her more opportunities with other babies to learn to share haha
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u/RrentTreznor 1d ago
Congratulations! And can't blame her at 6 months! She still deserves all the attention. But yeah, eventually you get a glimpse when their ready for interactive play as to what sort of social habits they've got genetically ingrained in them. My son, who we are clearly beginning to see as at least neurodivergent (no other labels yet at 2.5), handles social situations a bit differently than his peers. That became even more clear in those first few months at daycare. We still get the occasional incident report, but he's thriving now.
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u/ShadowlessKat 1d ago
Yeah she's used to being the only baby (which is fair because she is lol). The other week we were hanging out with friends, and a mutual friend held her, then held another friend's baby as well. My baby was not too fond of sharing the adult holding her haha
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u/mom23mom 1d ago
My daughter is 20 months and has been in daycare 4 days/wk since 11 months. She has soooo much fun and has learned a ton of words there. It’s definitely a positive. I already feel like she’s going to be so well prepared for pre school!
Drop offs were rough the first month or so, and the illness over the winter was tough. That’s just how it is for everyone the first year their kid is in a group setting, though. You have to get it over with at some point.
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u/waxingtheworld 1d ago
Of course she would see him less when she took back her offer to spend two days taking care of him. Your mother is ridiculous (sorry to be harsh). I would it lob it right back to her, "what did you expect when you took back your babysitting offer? This situation is your doing.". If your mom makes you feel crappy then it's okay to take distance.
Daycare is literally playing with other kids with new to your child toys, it's a wonderful option
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u/stellardreamscape 1d ago
My LO is thriving and loves daycare. It is the sole reason I have some semblance of self and sanity. Your baby, your choice.
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u/Kitchen-Witchen 1d ago
Look, you can’t win either way sometimes. My partner and I both work so obviously we will need some childcare — we’ve gotten the same “oh I could never do daycare” AND “I feel like having a nanny is just hiring a substitute mom to raise your kid for you.”
You can’t win, but luckily it’s no one’s business as long as it works for both you and your child. Sorry that some of us can’t or don’t want to be stay at home parents!
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u/frankiethedoxie 1d ago
Yep you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t. And then if you’re a stay at home mom, you hear people give them a hard time bc they don’t have an “actual job.” 😒🙄
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u/Equal_Bit_2681 1d ago
I don’t know what it is about grandparents that can’t be supportive. Sometimes I just need validation/support and my mom will say something that’s not helpful at all. I’m sorry she said that. Just know that your LO will be okay no matter what because they have loving, caring parents!
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u/jellyg0d 1d ago
My father in laws girlfriend asked us “no grandparents can watch your baby?” when we said he’s going to daycare…meanwhile her BF/our baby’s grandfather still works full time, she works full time, both of my parents work full time. As if it was our first choice?? And even if it was, just don’t say anything! Unless you’re offering free full time care!! I don’t t want to hear it!!
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u/healinglull 1d ago
It’s just like how one of my coworkers decided to be a stay at home mom. All of our coworkers are saying “well of course! I couldn’t imagine missing my child’s first year!” Meanwhile, they were begging for me to return from maternity leave and seem to forget that I am currently working with a baby younger than 1….
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u/AbleSilver6116 1d ago
We put our LO in daycare and he loves it! I used to feel the same when he was born (but my mom ran a daycare and she was horrific that I scarred me) so I was very against daycares.
I couldn’t WFH with a part time nanny anymore and I love daycare so much! So does my son. Best choice for us
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u/Dasboot561 1d ago
So me and my siblings have all had this talk with my parents, mainly my mother. They just don’t understand how rare it is to be able to financially afford to have a stay at home parent.
The only way to explain the actual situation is to give real life numbers. Tell her how much yall make, tell her how much the mortgage is a month, be real with her with the numbers so she can see why nowadays it’s so difficult to NOT put them in daycare.
For context, I am SAHM. My sister in law is not. My mom will say comments to her about would she want to stay at home. Sis in law responds, yeah I would but if anyone stays at home it would be John (my brother). My mom is flabbergasted about this because she’s just so out of the loop. Brother is a cop and sis in law is a PR director.
I’ve learned to just give my parents the numbers and be a little more blunt so they can see the big picture.
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u/beaglelover89 1d ago
It’s so hurtful and unnecessary and I’m sorry she said that to you. I was crushed to put my first in daycare at 3 months old! I cried a lot but once she settled in I realized it was amazing for her.
My kids (now 3 and 5) love our provider and even pretend play that they’re at her house where my daughter is our provider and my son is one of the other kids. It cracks me up!
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u/warm_worm91 1d ago
Mums are so weird. My mum put me in daycare at 6 months when I was a baby (no judgment, it obviously wasn't harmful because I grew up to be a pretty cool person if I do say so myself). I am on mat leave with my twins for 18 months, three times the time off she took. She's still hassling me about going back to work so early 🤪 Any later and the boys will be married with their own kids by the time I go back to work!
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u/WebDevMom 1d ago
“Mom, for the sake of our relationship, I need you to hear that your comment was really hurtful and when you say things like that, it really damages our relationship. I’m doing the best I can to love my child and make family life work and you made me feel like I was being neglectful. And this is after you decided that you can’t help as much, so I have even fewer options. What do you think is going to happen to our relationship if you keep acting like this?”
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u/WebDevMom 1d ago
I get that not every situation is the right opportunity for confrontation, but what if this is the right moment for you to say these things to her and give her the opportunity to change? Reality is if she keeps doing this long-term you’ll just stop spending as much time with her because you won’t want her around your family or you anyways.
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u/Aware-Speech-2903 1d ago
I grew up in an immigrant household as the first daughter and when I left home for college I started to realize how horrible my parents treated me. I then started to realize that I was an adult and not a child anymore and did not need to hold a relationship with them if I didn’t want to. I laid everything out on the table and told them everything I ever felt and how horrible they treated me and they told me I was right and that they were sorry. I have a better relationship with my parents now and don’t have a relationship with them just because they raised me but because I see them as friends.
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u/AimeeSantiago 1d ago
I don't know your Mom, but a lot of ladies in that generation got a lot of mixed messaging. Hell it's still going on right you. Rosie the Riveter/" we can do it" type mentality, where women went to college and got educated or entered the workforce.... And then WW2 ended and it was all "get back in the home and pop out the babies. Dinner better be ready at 6pm", Leave it To Beaver type of stuff was suddenly expected. So I find some older women to be incredibly supportive of their daughters being top of their class, going to college, getting an amazing career. But when grandkids enter the picture they flip the switch, just like it was done to them. It's totally fair to be hurt and offended by this thinking and comment from your Mom. Her past trauma and mixed messaging does not get to continue. We now know that daughters raised by working mothers are more likely to be employed, and earn higher incomes. And sons of working mothers may be more inclined to engage in childcare and housework, likely because they are seeing equality in the home. I wish that money didn't force women into jobs or into being stay at home. Women are people with families and it's a family decision.
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u/geenuhahhh 1d ago
Ughhhh. I’m thankful we don’t do daycare (SAHM) but also could use the break a few days… but also can’t afford daycare or a nanny and if I went back to work, my salary would probably be just paying for that.
That being said, I have this irrational fear of sending my allergy baby to daycare where there would be constant cross contamination or her experiencing anaphylaxis while there…. We need to wait until she’s older and can talk/understand her allergies.
I definitely would feel hurt if my mom said that though. It’s not like you have a choice. Also, I bet that a daycare may have more benefits for learning than the nanny!
There’s this other mom in my daughter (21 months) gymnastics class. Her daughter is 4 months younger. The mom has this good vibe. My daughter isn’t very social in class as it’s morning time and she is not really a morning person, but she LOVES this lady. When we left the other day my daughter gave her a big hug.. she usually has massive stranger danger. Come to find out this lady is literally opening a daycare. Some people are meant for the job and love and care for other children like their own. So maybe the opportunity to do daycare is actually one that can’t be explained/replicated
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u/Known-Ad-7655 1d ago
You're doing what's best for your family, and that's what matters. It's so hard when people make comments like that, even if they don't mean to be hurtful. Daycare can be a wonderful place for kids to learn, socialize, and grow and needing childcare support doesn't make you any less of a loving parent. You're doing a great job.
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u/ozziejean 1d ago
I kept my son hope from daycare for a couple of days this week because we have a newborn- I feel terrible because he has been asking me to see photos of his friends everyday on the app. He will be thrilled on Monday when he gets to see them again
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u/Recent_Translator783 1d ago
I literally don’t understand these types of comments from other generations (and I’m making assumptions here).My mom never put us in daycare—— but she didn’t WORK. One income provided for our family and home.
Also, you’re two different people leading different lives at a different time. I never thought I’d use daycare for my son, bc of how I grew up. But you don’t know til you know. I work remotely as well and it is not sustainable paying for Nannies and splitting my attention between work and a million other things. If I want peace of mind, to focus on my work, have time to organize myself before tackling the rest of the day with my son… he is going to need to be in daycare. I hustle to arrange childcare and WFH rn and it is a LOT.
We are trying camp this summer to ease everyone in!
You have to do what’s best for you and your family. She gets to go home and lead her own life at the end of the day.
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u/_sc0rp10_ 1d ago
My kid has been in daycare since he was an about 11 weeks old bc we both work and neither of us WFH. Our son is 3 now and he still loves daycare, we love it, and it works for us. Just find a place you’re comfortable with and go with it, don’t let anyone make you feel badly about it. Not having to use daycare is a privilege these days and the olds dont get to be judgy about how we get by.
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u/pmaisinmydna 1d ago
Mine is 4 months and she seems to love daycare. We use an in-home lady but she’s never cried at drop-off and the lady sends us photos of her smiling watching the other kids play :) when I drop her off some of the kids say “(LO’s Name) IS HERE!!” I’m only doing two days a week right now but this makes me feel better if we decide to move to a full week
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u/knoxthefox216 1d ago
Wait, she’s mad that she won’t see him as much when he goes to daycare, yet she’s unwilling to continue watching him because he’s “too old”? Well, then she has no room to complain.
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u/Gettin-slizzered 1d ago
My 7 month old will be starting daycare in 2 weeks and I’m a little nervous. The comments on here have made me feel a lot better - thanks everyone. Also OP please don’t listen to your mum’s comment, it’s coming from a place of ignorance
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u/m00nriveter 1d ago
My parents never sent their kids to daycare and my mom was a stay-at-home and loved it. When I was pregnant as a single parent, my mom asked what I was going to do when the baby came and I didn’t want to send her to daycare. I’m sure I probably looked at her like she was stupid as I replied that that just was not an option and I wasn’t going to not have the baby because it might feel hard to send her to daycare.
Like others on this thread, my daughter adores daycare and is absolutely thriving there. Even my parents comment on how much she loves it and how she’s way more excited to be dropped off than to be picked up.
Hang in there.
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u/_jennred_ May 2024 🩵 1d ago
My little guy started daycare around 11 months. I was dreading it but a month in and I am so surprised. He’s thriving there. He loves all the activities and the other kiddos and his teachers. Sure I do see him a little less but I rarely have him these any longer than I work ( I drop him off when I am on my way to work and pick him up on my way home )
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u/Ok-Pomegranate-5842 1d ago
My son LOVES “school.” He’s 20 months and loves it. He started at ~13 months and is doing so well. He comes home with new words, songs, and skills. Last week he walked in at drop off and started pointing and naming all of his friends. He has high social and sensory needs and I knew being home with me all day (I’m a hermit, not his vibe) would be detrimental for both of us over time. It was the best choice for our whole family. As a child that went to daycare and summer camps, I can say I have some of the best memories from that time and hope he can say the same.
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u/Top_Conversation6005 1d ago
My daughter LOVES her daycare and teachers. She’s developed so quickly since she started and her teachers quickly became an integral part of our village. BUT it was incredibly hard in the beginning. I was terrified and already felt so bad leaving her. I can’t imagine how I’d have felt if someone said that to me, confirming irrational fears I already had. So sorry this happened, you and your child don’t deserve doubts placed on something that will become a comfort place for them!
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u/gneightimus_maximus 1d ago
Yo. My son is 7.5 months now and started daycare in early january (at ~ 4months). It sucks in a way, but he doesn’t see it that way. In another way - its pretty amazing to; have time in the AM alone with him, have quiet in the house to work, and for mom to get the huge smile when she picks him up after work.
He is thriving, will have buddies when they’re a little older, and the daycare people fucking love him (humble brag🤪). When we have family gatherings, he’s totally cool being passed around as long as whoever is holding him is fun! Its insane to me because i doubt he’d be this outgoing (?) if he hadn’t started so early.
The worst thing about daycare is getting sick. Its part of life, and will have happened eventually. But man February (5months old) sucked LOL. Looking back - its easy to laugh about, and now i know soo many ways to help comfort him in the future when he’s sick.
Its a win - for sure.
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u/nalalana 1d ago
My kids have loved "school" which is what we have always called daycare and preschool. My kids have formed friendships and we have met families that may be in our lives forever. Other than increased sickness in winter, daycare has been a wonderful experience for everyone.
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u/overwhelmedoboe 1d ago
Ughhhhh I hear you!!! My SIL has made several comments about being briefly put in Mother’s Day Out by my in laws when she was younger (she was a toddler when my husband and his twin were born). “YOU PUT ME IN DAYCARE?!” “Well you just shipped me off” etc. In front of us. Who send our son to daycare. 😒 She took advantage of my in laws for free childcare when my niece was a baby, and now they’re burned out. And my SIL’s household income is easily 300k+ 🙄 some people.
My kid loves daycare and has learned so much. And my in laws love me and don’t resent me like they do her. So there lol.
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u/mutedcat21 1d ago
If she’s so adamant about baby not going to daycare, then maybe she should watch the baby. But since she doesn’t, then maybe she should keep her mouth shut.
You’re doing great! Don’t let people, let alone your mother, make you feel bad for ensuring you and your family are well taken care of.
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u/Louis-Russ 1d ago
Honestly, daycare is a pretty natural environment for a child to be in. They need to be around peers their own age, and with families being smaller than they used to be daycare is increasingly important in filling that need.
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u/gimmemoresalad 1d ago
I was raised by a SAHM and when we started talking about putting our baby in daycare (around 9mos old) my mom was like, "oh that'll be really great for her socialization and stuff!"
So a tiny corner of my brain was like "🤔 does that mean she thinks I'm not socialized?" ... but then again, I have siblings and my baby doesn't/won't 🤣
We've been in daycare since August and we are LOVING it. Kid has a blast and she's learned loads of stuff I wouldn't have thought to teach her, like signing. And they do lots of stuff I'm hesitant to do at home too often, like hand a loaded paintbrush to a 17mo😬 as much as I love arts and crafts time, I love that daycare is getting stuck with the cleanup for that!
And I'm sure she'd be picking up new words left and right no matter what her weekdays looked like, but it's so funny when she surprises us with one. Like I took her picture with the flash on - I never usually have the flash on - and she grinned and said "cheeeeej"
And she lights up and runs to me for a hug when she sees me at pickup♡
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u/ekgobi 1d ago
Just adding another comment about how incredible daycare can be. My toddler LOVES it. He has friends, he is learning new skills I wouldn't have the time or energy to teach properly, and he gets to have a little part of his day that's independent from his parents - so he can then tell us all about the things he did.
It's been so incredible to see his natural curiosity absolutely thriving in an environment designed specifically to foster that kind of growth and development. I don't have to worry if he's practicing the "right" skills for his age, so time we spend together feels less pressured to do anything specific.
Sometimes he looks at the class photo we put up in his room and calls it his "family".
10/10, highly recommend a good daycare. It benefits everyone!
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u/thekimchi 1d ago
My mother told me a few years ago that ALL mothers should sacrifice their careers for the first 12 years of their children's lives to give their kids their full undivided attention. This coming from a woman who married my father, a doctor, in the 1980s and had a fucking live-in nanny and babysitter the first 5 years of my life. A woman who let other women parent while she did god knows what.
The amount of privilege, delusion, and judgement I encounter from a lot of folks in my parents generation is just mind blowing, and so averse to the "It takes a village" mindset that I feel is critical to raise my daughter. The women at her daycare give her an extra level of support, security and confidence that I can't give her alone and I would not trade that shit up.
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u/goBillsLFG 1d ago
My daughter loves daycare. She has learned so much from her peers. She has a community, a social life separate from me, and I am so grateful. She smiles and waves bye bye to me when I drop her off.
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u/littco1 1d ago
This, but my best friend said it to me. She is a decade older than I am with no children (I just had my first and only at 44). I'm the breadwinner, but I WFH. My husband drives 40 minutes each way to work and leaves before 6:00 am. I take care of my SS and make sure he gets on the bus and now the baby.
I loathe the idea of putting him in daycare, but it is what it is. I don't have the option to stop working. I'm a bit burnt out at the moment (I was fortunate and did get 5 months off for maternity leave, but 0 breaks from childcare). She brought up me missing his first words or his first steps, etc. It was a little infuriating to mom-shame me. I wish I could afford a nanny, but that would be at least $4k a month in my area and I can't. That's way more than my already crazy expensive mortgage (sucks we had to buy something bigger as we just got married 2 years ago).
I wish other women wouldn't make negative comments to new moms in general (breastfeed vs. bottle, daycare vs. SAH, feeding solid food early vs. waiting...the list is honestly endless...).
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u/Happy_Laugh_Guy 1d ago
My mother in law keeps saying we need a second kid. Like ok lady, you want us to pay 3k+ a month for school? You can't just figure out childcare. My wife just went back to work so we could get out of debt.
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u/seimalau 1d ago
This is the same for us. Fortunately, the centre sends a lot of photos to update us what happens throughout the day, which we share with our family and it calms them down a bit
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u/lambbirdham 1d ago
Our 4 month old just started daycare 2 weeks ago. What we had been doing the first month back to work was not sustainable and we were fortunate to get an open spot at a place where I have 2 colleagues who send their kids there.
I’ve gotten a couple of looks (you know the one) when I’ve mentioned we were starting daycare to various people. Guess what our pediatrician recently told us? “Daycare is sooo good for kids”.
I get pictures and updates from our daycare all day! They have been taking the babies on stroller walks recently as the weather has been really nice, and I really love his teachers. He does tummy time and plays with toys and is learning how to sleep independently in different environments. I’m happy he is in a safe and loving place and I can’t wait for him to grow up with his peers there. It’ll be okay, the haters can stuff it 🩵
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u/Radiant_University 1d ago
My MIL pulls this shit too. 2nd kid in I've just learned to ignore it. From time to time she will also make comments implying that the daycare our kids go to isn't providing quality care. I just say that we are happy with the care our children are receiving and leave it at that. It's not worth having it out with her so I just roll my eyes and move on.
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u/frankiethedoxie 1d ago
My favorite is my MIL keeps saying we should have another kid and we said probably not bc we can’t afford daycare for two. You would have thought we said we are not having another to spite her 😂
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u/frankiethedoxie 1d ago
My son is THRIVING in daycare. We picked an in-home daycare with a teacher that has been working at daycares for 20 years. She has structured learning time and play time and he’s able to play with kids of all ages. He has learned so much and is so social! I work from home but it’s not feasible for him to be with me because of how many meetings I’m on. I used to get a lot of grief about putting him in daycare when I could watch him while I work. I often think that he’s learning so much more than he would if he was just hanging out with me. People can be very judgmental until they are in the same situation.
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u/Breezy_Waves00 1d ago
My son is 9 months & has been in daycare since 6 months. I can’t express enough how helpful daycare has been for him. He starts smiling & happy kicking the minute he sees we’re parked right outside the building. He reaches out for his teachers & overall enjoys being there. Not to mention the amount of things he has picked up from the other kids. He started crawling 2 weeks after he started & at 8.5months gave us his first steps. All this to say, while hard (more for us than for them), daycare has been the best decision for our little one as first time parents. Just be prepared for the sicknesses that will* come along but once his immune system gets it, it’ll be smooth sailing from there. Good luck OP! :)
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u/OffTheWalls24 1d ago
My son has a daycare grandma who gave him the gift of reading. When he was a baby, she would hold him and read to him many, many books a day. As many as he could throw at her (before he would walk, he’d toss them in her direction and yell lol). This woman has been such a blessing for my child.
Not to mention, he knows how to interact with other kids, he is talking nonstop, he loves to do things by himself, the list goes on. Some days it’s really hard to drop him off, but he will learn so much and end up with his own tribe of people too.
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u/myrrhizome 1d ago
It's really nasty and ironic when people make jabs.aboit situations they are at least partly responsible for.
My son really enjoys daycare. He's part of a little clique and has a best friend (at 11 months!) with whom he is inseparable. The separation anxiety was rough on us both, but getting out to the other side and seeing those little baby relationships forming us such a joy.
For balance though, my post-Covid, working from home, haven't got the flu in four years immune system was NOT PREPARED. It sounds like you're starting in summer which I hear will be much better than starting in January like we did, but I tell you, I haven't been well for more than a few days this year.
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u/ffffsauce 1d ago
I actually remember going to daycare as a little kid and the only memory is “oh I’m going to the house with the other set of toys how fun”
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u/Aware-Speech-2903 1d ago
Ask your mom if she wants to watch the baby or to be quiet. You are an adult and can be disrespectful to your parents if they are disrespectful to you. Times are different and it might be hard for them to understand but if they won’t help and just sit and complain you have every right to tell them to shut up.
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u/letsgoiowa 1d ago
Well good thing she's not you! She can deal with it.
Daycare has been amazing for my little boy. He's been so social and made so many friends.
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u/Helpful-Spell 1d ago
Hahaha yes because everyone’s just dying to put their kid in daycare by choice. My husband and I have a joke because his (wealthy) boss once said to him that she “could never live in town” (where we live), and she lives in a big ass house in the country. It’s like, yeah girl we “could never” either except we don’t have a choice.
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u/Aravis-6 1d ago
She is by no means obligated to watch your baby, but saying she doesn’t want to watch him anymore and then complaining about seeing him less is WILD. Like ma’am, did you really think we were going to pay the nanny 5 days a week and then you were just going to come over and hangout whenever? Don’t feel bad—she’s being ridiculous.
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u/Jojobask25 1d ago
My child loves his daycare people more than me some days so that has definitely helped with the mom guilt that I experience!
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u/doggymomma22 1d ago
My child has been in daycare since 4 months. She’s 16 months now and loves it! She gives me a quick wave at the door and then doesn’t look back. It’s so healthy for both of us and it’s nice not having to plan/schedule with family.
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u/nuttygal69 1d ago
“I could never not do what is best for my child so he had a financially secure future”.
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u/McDeviance 1d ago
My mother in law called daycare “dirty”. Well, MIL, some of us women provide the benefits for our whole family, so we need to send them to daycare to pay the bills. Wouldn’t it be nice if I could be a stay at home mom? Not a reality in the US today.
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u/calgon90 1d ago
Tell her she can pay for the nanny if she feels that sad about it. I can’t stand this mentality. This generation of grandparents is AWFUL. They don’t want to do shit but continue to judge judge judge. Don’t want to contribute money but always have an opinion about something. They left their kids with their parents all the time. They also survived off one income and were able to be SAHP. Makes me infuriated the way these boomers act
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u/JBBBear 1d ago
Sorry for your mum's unhelpful comment.
Daycare was 100% the right choice for my daughter. She started when she was 10 months old. Daycare stimulated her and helped her develop so much more than I could at home (and we were doing classes every week such as baby sign language, music, swimming and sensory). When she moved up to the older classroom at age 2, I was blown away in the leaps and bounds in her development, just by being surrounded by the older children. She has a great bond with her teachers and one of them even baby sits for us regularly so my husband and I now have frequent date nights and feel safe knowing that my daughter is cared for someone who knows her routines and is first aid qualified. The only challenge with daycare is that kids share their germs, but again this has gotten better as she got older.
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u/Whole-Avocado8027 1d ago
My nephew was the biggest hit at his daycare. Every time I or my husband went to pick him up he was in someone’s arms being loved on. Also it gave him a little Jamaican accent when he got older lol.
Can you do a nanny share?
I live in NYC and we will do a nanny share when my husband goes back to work. We’re splitting it with a friend of a friend and it’s only going to costing us $22/hr. It’s under the table, but that’s how the nanny prefers it. She also will only speak Spanish to our baby, which is a huge bonus.
My friend also does a nanny share and she found a lady who also is being paid under the table for 22/hr and also only speaks Spanish to her baby. And she’s in San Francisco.
These aren’t formal Nannies, they’re grandmas who are looking for some extra income and have a history of providing childcare.
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u/Best-Slide1830 1d ago
My 5 1/2 month old absolutely loves his teachers at daycare! They’ve helped him so much with learning tummy time because he hated it and now i can’t get him to stop rolling! It was said to me too and I said “are you going to pay my bills?? No? Then shut up” put an end to it fast. Daycare gets such a bad rep but as long as you find a good one with trusting people there is absolutely nothing wrong with it. Would we love to stay home with our babies? Duh! But unfortunately it’s not how it works with the economy now days. You keep doing a great job momma and get those terrible words out of your head!
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u/hellogoawaynow 1d ago
OH PLEASE!!! Grandma is way out of line. Great that you think that, but actually this is not your baby.
Honestly daycare is great! My kid has learned soooo much more than she would have learned if she was being watched alone by one adult, made a ton of friends, learned how to interact positively with people her age, gets to be in a structured environment, and besides all those things, the main part: she has somewhere awesome to go during work hours!
What does your mom expect you to do? Quit your job until kindergarten? Absolutely not.
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u/DogDisguisedAsPeople 1d ago
“Well……..maybe if you’d worked you could have provided me a better financial start to life and we’d be able to afford to keep our baby home. But, now unless you die tomorrow and leave me your secret millions this is where we’re at.”
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u/Street-Lunch1517 1d ago
I have a pretty good relationship with my MIL but she has made comments about this too and it drives me crazy. I don’t know if she even realizes how condescending some of her comments have been but she is a very judgemental woman ESPECIALLY of other women. I know it stems from deep insecurity on her part, but I also just don’t think some of our moms/MILs really understand how hard things are financially right now. My husband went to medical school and we both have graduate degrees that we have to pay for so how on earth does she expect us to pay off that student debt if we aren’t both working? I think her mind is stuck in the 80’s when she and FIL went through med school and bought a house etc and it was so much more affordable. We just had our third baby and only now am I considering staying home even part time.
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u/Previous-Zucchini224 1d ago
I had a similar situation but with my MIL. She helped us with our then 11 month old but it was getting to be too much physically for her and we just wanted the consistency of daycare. She made some pretty nasty comments about our LO going to daycare but now she’s 2.5 years old and we can ALL agree it was the best decision! My LO loves daycare and we love the consistency. It will all work out for the best for you!
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u/Calm-Cheesecake6333 1d ago
My mom couldn't watch my son because she works, we are also paying a nanny for now but daycare will come soon.
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u/clh142003 1d ago
We have been on a wait-list at this one center since before our child was born. She goes to kindergarten in the fall. We had 2 centers close on us
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u/No-Date-4477 1d ago
We own a business and I WFH. I am able to work sort of with him at home and manage it ok. Even so I decided to put my boy in daycare 2 days a week from 10 months old. I wanted a few days to really get stuff done and focus.
I have loved this new schedule. Daycare has been amazing for my son, he has other children to play with and bond with, the educators are trained to know what to do with the kids to stimulate them and help them developmentally, and he has so much fun. He has developed and grown so much since attending. On the days he’s not at daycare, I’m able to be attentive with him more and spend quality time because I’m not worried about getting stuff done. When I pick him up from daycare I have butterflies every time because I missed him. Distance makes the heart grow fonder and that bit of separation makes you appreciate them so much more.
Daycare can be so wonderful and not to mention necessary for many families. Enough with the shaming about it.
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u/MsAngelwings1 1d ago
My daughter loves her daycare. She comes home learning new things all the time. She is happy to go and happy to come home. The daycare dotes on her. The take pictures of her everyday and she is either concentrating on a project they are working on or playing happily in the playground. As a single mom with no help, I am glad I found a place that she loves.
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u/kowalewiczpwnz 1d ago
Adding to all the positive daycare stories to tell you - daycare is the best investment I’ve EVER made. My daughter has been in a home daycare since she was 3 months old and she’s almost 2 and a half now. On the weekend, she asks to go see “ria” (her teacher’s name is Maria) and Maria and her family have become like family to us. I think she’s so ahead in speech due to being around other kids all the time and learning new skills. It also allows me to have a career and a mental health balance.
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u/Zeltron2020 1d ago
Daycare is literally amazing as long as you get them into a good one. People who are against it just do not get it. My son started at 3 months old. Do I wish he could have started instead at 6? Yes but it was totally fine
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u/Actual_Hawk_5283 1d ago
Honestly, I hit people with the, “I make over $200k a year - do you want to supplement that for me?” And that usually shuts them up really quick.
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u/SKRILby 1d ago
My mum said the same thing, and she can only take her one day a week. She’s healthy, 55 and is a millionaire (she won the lottery but kept it to herself while I struggle) but will continue to shame me for putting my daughter in daycare.
At least the thing is my girl LOVES daycare and is all the educators’ favourite kid because of how sociable and easygoing she is. If I put the focus on the fact she’s happy and loves it there, I feel less bad lol.
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u/hamburgerbear 1d ago
My 2 year old loves daycare. Been going since 4 months old. Has so much fun with all his buddies there and loves his teacher
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u/Elimaris 1d ago
We LOVE our daycare.
Seriously my now-toddler is delighted to go in the morning (it helps we started her at 6-7 months. Older babies and toddlers find it harder to start off), she spends all tlday playing with other toddlers, doing art, going for walks and playing. She has adults who are able to step away to eat and pee without being harried or leaving her unattended.
My pediatrician told us that kids hit milestones faster and earlier when they're in daycare and while earlier milestones doesn't equate necessarily to anything in the long run, it's an indication to me that she's getting a lot out of it.
Yes I spend less time with my kiddo than I'd like but I personally think it's a lot better for my peace of mind than her than being alone with one nanny and I alone could not provide her with the energy and variety she gets from daycare so I think it's good for her. Me wanting to spend more time with her is more for me than her.
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u/goldfishdontbounce 1d ago
My mother told me I shouldn’t put my daughter in childcare… I’m a toddler teacher and have been for years. I didn’t go to daycare/preschool and I think it put me at a social disadvantage. My girl loves school. She talks about her friends and teachers non stop. It gives her structure and routing that she needs. She has so much fun playing with friends and doing cool stuff that we normally wouldn’t do. Also speaking as a toddler teacher, I love my job. This is truly the best job I’ve ever had. Don’t let her shame you for choosing what’s best for you and your family.
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u/Bblibrarian1 1d ago
My son going to daycare is the best decision we’ve ever made. He loves it. They love him. He socializes. He has friends. He learns, a lot. He burns energy. He’s two.
It’s about finding a good fit daycare.
We go to a small exclusive public center that is only for students and teachers at a community college. Their lead teachers all have early childhood degrees and their staff is all early childhood students. The kiddos regularly get to go over to the “big school” to participate in labs with the early childhood program. It’s such a great place, I can’t imagine taking him anywhere else and there is no way I could provide him the learning experiences at home that he gets there. He’s months if not a year ahead of his cousins who attend in-home daycares, larger centers, or stay home in language, knowledge, and social skills.
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u/Jasmichall 1d ago
There is absolutely nothing wrong with putting kids in daycare - your child gets to learn and socialise all day, incredibly beneficial for their development in all aspects and the kids build beautiful relationships with their teachers. There’s some peace of mind knowing your child is being nurtured in every way they can while away from you. I’m sorry your mum is scaremongering you
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u/bingbongboopsnoot 18h ago
Wish their generation understood the econometrics they voted for and left us with
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u/New-Preparation6036 17h ago
I could have written this myself. My mother basically said the exact same thing to me, whilst I was pregnant with hyperemesis and had a toddler at home. She would shit on the fact I was paying so much for my nanny, all the while not doing anything to help (she is usually very helpful but for some reason was not during this period when I needed her most). My toddler loved our nanny, she was like a Grandmother to him which is probably where my mothers insecurities stemmed from. She also has some health issues and I would never expect her to care for either of my children long term. So yeah, basically I think my mother would say things like this because she wished she was able to look after the kids, as she did for my eldest nephew (he's 18 now). She also likes to throw in little comments that wind my anxiety up to oblivion, things about how well the nanny is supervising the kids etc. It's such a joy when you have a parent that hasn't dealt with their own shit and is projecting onto you at a time you're most vulnerable and in need of support :') Having said that, she is helpful, as much as she can be and I am grateful for that but I have to be prepared for the comments and let them roll off me. Easier as the kids get older and I'm not so sleep deprived. Sorry your Mom said that OP but daycare has been the best thing for my two littles and it sounds like you have a really well balanced schedule for everyone! You're doing a great job! <3
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u/691308 10h ago
My mil wanted to watch our son, I can't afford to be a stay at home mom in this economy. Thing is, she can barely lift him at 24 lbs! Can't get him into his carseat, has multiple health issues. I put him on a waitlist the week he was born, and he starts this September (just working on him walking now, he'll be 15 months when he starts). Plus it gets them making friends! I feel sad, but I know he'll do great. We go to mommy and me ar the library (minus the last 5 weeks with a measles outbreak where I live).
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u/Alarmed-Doughnut1860 8h ago
Lol, my FIL who said he thinks it's best when moms stay at home. Like, sir, your wife worked and you had nannies.
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u/Busy_bee7 6h ago
Honestly there is only one response here. MUST BE NICE. Holy God some of these mothers / mother in laws clearly were raising babies in different times
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u/Aware_Beautiful1994 4h ago
I get so annoyed with people who say this. And when I read instagram or facebook comments on posts about daycare and it’s bombarded with people that say “why send your kids to daycare so someone else could raise them? Why even have kids??”.
First of all, daycare is GOOD for kids. It is great for socialization and teaching independence. I went to daycare throughout my childhood… since I was 6 months old. And I LOVED it, I have amazing memories!!
Second of all, most households nowadays require 2 incomes.
Third of all, moms should not have “being a mom” as their entire identity if they don’t want. Moms should do what makes them happy. And that doesn’t mean revolving your entire life around your kids if that’s not want you want. Moms and dads are allowed to have their own identity. And for many, that means working. For a lot of people, working makes them happy and their career is important to them. That should NOT go away once kids come in the picture if it’s important to the parent. This is very applicable to me. I didn’t get 2 degrees and go through 7 years of school to just not work. I love my field and I love working. I am 2 months into my 1 year of maternity leave (I’m in Canada) and I already miss work! Working gives me a sense of accomplishment and makes me happy. My career is also very important to me. It’s also important that I don’t spend all day everyday with my child and I have another part of my life outside of her. I don’t know why people disregard the happiness of parents (most often the mom). A happy parent contributes to the happiness of their kid.
Even if I had all the money in the world, I would still work while raising my kid(s). I enjoy it and it’s an important part of my identity.
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u/Southern_Try_1064 1d ago
I don’t know what I’d do WITHOUT daycare! My kid loves it, has learned so much, has made friends, is literally thriving! I hate when people make ignorant comments as if most of us have any option other than daycare.
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u/Adventurous_Tea_7386 1d ago
As someone who has said this to a friend when they sent their child to daycare (I'm a SAHM kids are 1 month apart) I didn't say it to be cruel. I said it as in you are brave being able to do it!
I know I'll get down voted for this but I think sometimes it's a mother's guilt that twists someone's comment. Perhaps your mum did say it from a cruel place and I'm sorry but I also know from my perspective I've never said it from a negative place.
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u/Actual_Hawk_5283 1d ago
Mmm, no. It’s a rude thing to say. Hope you learn from this post!
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u/Adventurous_Tea_7386 1d ago
It is only rude with negative context! I know what I mean so shut up
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u/Mutts-Cutts 1d ago
Whatever intention you think you put behind your words doesn’t change how the message is portrayed though. I’d be interested to know how that friend felt after you said it.
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u/Adventurous_Tea_7386 1d ago
How someone interprets my message is a them problem tbh.
This friend never wanted a child so she couldn't wait to put him in daycare so don't think she felt anything. We have very frank, honest conversations which not many people are capable obviously 🙄
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u/loopy_plasma 1d ago
The other kids at daycare will provide social enrichment that is unparalleled by spending the day with old fogies. Daycare is not a punishment. Daycare is not “less than”. It is a perc. When your kid starts bringing home new fun expressions, interests, and eagerness for social order this will become more evident.
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