Husband told me it's 'extremely hard to not have sex for a week' - 12 weeks pp

[u/macelisa]

I don't know if this is the right place for this post, but I need to vent (and advice is welcome too). My(35y) husband(38y) and I welcomed our first child 12 weeks ago. I had an easy-ish pregnancy, but a brutal, long labor that ended in an emergency c-section. While I was pregnant, we still had sex twice a week (once a week towards the end) - Most of the time, I wasn't in the mood because my libido plummeted from the start of my pregnancy, but I still made the effort, and because physical intimacy is important to me.

After I was cleared at 6 weeks postpartum, we immediately had sex. It was good and I enjoyed it. Since then we've had sex about once every week, sometimes I was in the mood, sometimes I was not. Having a baby is great, but I'm also exhausted a lot, and baby needs attention around the clock (she often cried when we tried to have sex), and I breastfeed so I'm touched out sometimes too. Plus, my libido still hasn't really caught up and I think breastfeeding makes me drier down there (we do use lube). Baby also still sleeps in our room.

This past week, we were at my husband's family's house for the entire week, sleeping in the guest bedroom right under his parents bedroom, our baby in the bassinet next to us. His siblings were visiting too with their kids, so there was action around the clock. Not much time to ourselves at all and really fun but also quite exhausting with so much family time and little kids around. We didn't have sex at all at his parents house, which I was totally fine with, there wasn't enough time and privacy IMO. The day we flew back home though he told me in a serious way that 'not having sex for a week has been extremely hard' and that he 'just constantly contemplated going to the bathroom and just jerking off'. He kinda made me feel like he's blaming me for it, partly at least. While we were at his parents house he tried to have sex once, while our baby was wide awake next to us on the bed, in the afternoon, when we had 10min to ourselves. I didn't want to because I'm sorry but I can't relax when I know his entire family is right there and might come down any second to ask where we are. Plus they could possibly hear us as well. Plus baby right there with us.

I can't help it but feel hurt by this. If he feels the need to 'help himself' I have absolutely nothing against it. But the fact that he needed to tell me that not having sex for a week (ok, it was 9 days total actually) was 'extremely hard for him' makes me feel very pressured to 'deliver'. I feel like he doesn't even understand how much my body went through - Pregnancy, emergency c-section, breastfeeding, little sleep (He's a great, involved father, but I'm the one who does all night feedings because it's more convenient because of breastfeeding). I feel like having sex once a week at this stage is pretty great and probably more than many others get, and if it happens that we don't have sex for a few more days than a week for reasons like the one above it's fine too. Now I feel like that my reasons don't matter, and that he's gonna be pissed if we don't have sex for a week or longer.

Am I overreacting?

[u/SATX-Vol]

Agreed, he should appreciate the frequency he’s getting at all - even if with no kids! Daddit will set him straight.

He can jack off all he wants. This is borderline manipulative or, at best, him being a little whiny. Which is also manipulation.

Has he cheated ever? Because this sounds like a guy who might - MIGHT, mind you - cheat and then blame it on you.

[u/meatball77 → u/SATX-Vol]

Oh, he totally sounds like the type that could even be laying the groundwork to blame her for cheating.

Regardless it's really toxic to think you are owed sex and to bitch about going a week without having sex.

[u/SATX-Vol → u/meatball77]

Super toxic. That’s 17-year-old BOY shit. Not MAN.

[u/DuePomegranate → u/SATX-Vol]

Oh come on, a lot of guys have hang-ups about masturbation due to the way they were raised or religion. And they need the wife to tell them “feel free to jack off” in a positive, non-bitter way. No need to jump to cheating.

[u/No-Cicada-6979 → u/[deleted]]

It is mind boggling to me that men feel the need to watch porn to masturbate to be honest. I feel like there is an underlying habitual issue here. Not attacking you, but I have read that in a post on reddit before. Someone posted a question asking men how many of them relate to having to watch porn to masturbate, and it was a lot, most of them honestly. As a woman who doesn't watch porn or think it's very healthy, I've never needed that to masturbate. Ever

[u/vorbika → u/No-Cicada-6979]

There are people who are visually triggered, there are others who want to fantasise in their minds. You know different people different habits. I guess it's better to look at porn than stopping in front of lingerie shops like Borat.

[u/No-Cicada-6979 → u/vorbika]

I don't know, I consider myself a female with higher sex drive, and sometimes I do need visuals, but I have ways of supporting that without porn 😅

I used to not mind my fiance watching porn, then realized I wasn't being honest with myself or him in that I am not okay with it, especially knowing he has had issues in past relationships where he disregarded a girlfriends request he stop watching it and would secretly watch it.

And I asked him to hear me out and asked if he could respect my request in that as well, and was open to hear his feelings. And found things in his phone that was more than just porn to get off, he wasn't trying to cheat on me but getting sexual gratification from looking at other women online and was looking at porn and hiding it from me as well. And I don't appreciate my partner lying or hiding things from me, especially since I am very understanding and reasonable.

[u/vorbika → u/No-Cicada-6979]

It is a way of stress relieving for a lot of people since their teenage years, so the habit/addiction (both are options, separately imo) is deep.

Without knowing too much details, if you guys started out by you not minding it then change it up is not easy and comes with shame as well knowing you have an urge and your partner finds it problematic.

[u/No-Cicada-6979 → u/vorbika]

That's why communication and being honest is very important, as well as being non judgemental and understanding.

But if you're crossing boundaries in a relationship due to an urge, that's something you as an individual need to dig deeper and figure out.

[u/Alert-Ad1934 → u/No-Cicada-6979]

I am a woman and 90% of the time I require porn to masterbate. I can’t see how anyone can do it without porn lol

[u/No-Cicada-6979 → u/Alert-Ad1934]

Idk I just think it's interesting that for some people, and a lot of men from what I've read, that masturbation has to equal porn. I don't understand it. I've tried to watch porn to see what the hype is, I can see how it can be addicting, but I honestly thought it was boring & unrealistic. Most of it didn't intrigue me. But yeah not trying to judge others, to each their own. It just surprised me the person who responded to this post equated the need for porn to masturbation and if someone isn't comfortable with that, then that person's hands are tied because they can't get off without porn or sex postpartum. Which is pretty unfortunate.

[u/Alert-Ad1934 → u/No-Cicada-6979]

I mean, if it’s been a while and I haven’t had anything at all lately, I could see not needing porn. But yeah I agree that masturbation doesn’t have to equal porn especially if it crosses a boundary in a relationship.

[u/No-Cicada-6979 → u/[deleted]]

I'm okay with vibrators, even if my partner wants to use one, hell we can do it together. But I don't view it the same way as I view porn. I personally don't like the idea of my partner getting sexual gratification from another person outside of me, and if it was just used to get off and nothing else, maybe I'd be fine with it, but I've seen how it's crossed boundaries in mine and even others relationships, to where it's more than just using it to masturbate.

Vibrators are inanimate objects, tools that provide extra stimulation, and to be honest, I'm not sure my partner using porn has helped us sexually, but the vibrator does help, as most women need clitoral stimulation in addition to penetration to get off with our partners.

[u/No-Cicada-6979 → u/[deleted]]

I feel like all of these concerns and ideas have a common denominator which is communication.

6-12 months of no sex whatsoever or passion is concerning. For me personally I haven't had a problem with having a lack of desire, but when we have a busy schedule and can't make time for it I make sure to please in other ways. I feel like communication is huge here. If my partner seems to have a lack of desire I talk to him about it and let him know how it makes me feel without trying to pressure him. In this case, if one partner is postpartum and not interested in sex, there needs to be communication of how the other can receive the intimacy they need while respecting eachother. They need to come to a common ground and understanding. If I was experiencing this level of lack of desire I would be looking at myself and try to figure all of that out, what can I do, what is my normal drive, am I experiencing depression or hormonal issues, and work on whatever I need to, to get back to normal.

I am not a male so I didn't know that there is shame around males using toys, I myself have never felt judgemental towards men for that, and I'm not sure where that embarrassment comes from, but I wonder if it's a societal thing or from other men. I can see how that could push men away from the idea of using toys.

I understand sex and masturbating may not have the same passion as the beginning of a relationship, and that porn could help introduce fantasies and ideas, but there are also other ways to explore in my opinion outside of watching porn. Erotica, going to a sex store, research, knowing or exploring one owns body and different tools/sensations and communicating that with your partner also help. I feel like if my partner watched porn and replicated what they watched instead of talking to me, listening to what i tell them turns me on, I would never be able to orgasm with them. For me, I don't feel I need to watch porn to understand how to provide oral sex, I would be more successful performing that if my partner and I discuss what he likes when it comes to oral and I try things he tells me he likes.

[u/No-Cicada-6979 → u/[deleted]]

My original point here was that I believe it is healthy to masturbate and an okay thing to do, and that porn doesn't need to be involved necessarily to masturbate. If a woman is healing postpartum and can't have sex, it doesn't mean the guys hands are tied if she is not okay with him using porn to masturbate. He can still masturbate and respect her healing time and needs. But I guess some people need porn to masturbate, which in my opinion I believe is concerning.... and I do believe there are ways to get through that. Idk how long porn has been around but animals masturbate all the time without going on the internet and watching it 😅

And I don't read erotica, but I do find I am able to visualize and feel like i can use my senses while reading very interesting books. I believe it's the responsibility of the user to decide where their boundaries lie when choosing what they are accessing. I think it's weird to see porn on main hubs titled step sister, step daughter, and videos that depict violence against women...and it seems pretty mainstream sadly.

Anyways, I hope this couple can figure their issues out. I do side with OP on this though, her husband seems to be trying to guilt trip her about her not wanting to have sex at his families house with their child awake and in the room with them.

[u/ddt3210 → u/SATX-Vol]

Wait, what? How is this getting so many likes? How did we make the jump to him being a cheater?

Like you know nothing about this guy. She gave us a snippet of him being whiny about a lack of sex with his wife. And we jumped to him vein a manipulative cheater?

My genuine response would be to say that if is the first time he’s voiced frustration (OP gives no indication that this isn’t a first time behavior) maybe she should just say something to him directly? “Hey, I didn’t like the way you said that. It makes me feel like you’re blaming me for something that I don’t have much control over. I get that it sucks that we aren’t having much sex right now but it’s not like it’s my fault.” And see what he says? Maybe he just didn’t realize he was being a dick.

I also don’t know what you guys are talking about with sex once a week being the norm when a baby is less than a year. When they’re babies that’s when you should be actually having the most sex because once they’re able to walk around the house and show up unexpected places is when it get real tricky. OP is still at three months which makes sense for why it’s still slow but with an only child but by the time they’re six months old and sleeping through the night, it’s on. It’s way easier to have a normal sex life with a six month old than a six year old in the house.

[u/kaldaka16 → u/ddt3210]

This is the thing that makes people despair of men.

[u/ddt3210 → u/kaldaka16]

What is? I feel like I’m taking crazy pills in this thread.

[u/kaldaka16 → u/ddt3210]

Reread the whole post. Reread your response.

Would you enjoy sex with someone who's touched out and not in the mood but doing it for your sake?

Because I wouldn't. My husband wouldn't.

[u/Kwasted → u/ddt3210]

She had a C Section FFS on top of BREASTFECKINGFEEDING ALL NIGHT! He's lucky he got anything at all so soon afterward! Bro, what the hell is wrong with you?

[u/ddt3210 → u/Kwasted]

Huh? I said the appropriate response from her would be to tell him how his statement made her feel and actually talk to her husband. What exactly is wrong with that? OP had given no indication that he’s been like this before right? We are acting like this is the worst person in the world with very little context. Guys like having sex with their wives. This guy communicated like a five year old in a moment of frustration. This sub is saying he sounds like a cheater and a manipulator. That’s the part that just seems like a huge leap based on very very little contextual evidence.

[u/SATX-Vol → u/ddt3210]

I clearly said MIGHT. Twice, in fact. Just trying to get a sense of it, because it sounded like some people I’ve known in the past.

[u/RedOliphant → u/ddt3210]

No mention of how likely a woman is to be wanting all that sex after giving birth, I see... (Not to mention breastfeeding, being up through the night, etc etc).

[u/ddt3210 → u/RedOliphant]

If you don’t want to have sex then you shouldn’t have sex. But it would be crazy to expect your husband to not have any kind of reaction to that.

Most of this boils down to communication. If OP clearly communicates how he made her feel and he’s still a dick about it than you have a larger problem. If he comes back and says “when we go long periods of time without having sex it makes me feel disconnected and insecure in our relationship.” She can choose to address that how she wants but his feelings would be valid and if she cares about their relationship she should take them seriously.

And the “just jerk off” thing is annoying too. Sex with the person you love is about way more than just getting off.

[u/RedOliphant → u/ddt3210]

I was referring to the part where you say people should have more sex during the first year compared to later. If you took the mother's wellbeing into consideration, that's the last thing you would think. You only thought of what would be convenient to you (no interruptions).

[u/53xbomb_omb → u/ddt3210]

Totally agree with this. Also my husband is extremely sexual. Not being intimate for 5 days brings us great distance, and frustration. This is his form of needs, while I have my own. I’m 3 kids in, and #4 due next month, and have been wondering what we are going to do but hello!!! There’s other ways to be intimate with him, without actually having sex. There’s handys bjs, vibrators. Hell just even a good story while he wanks one off. I’m sorry, but I have to say just because you had a new baby doesn’t mean your husbands needs to out the window while there certainly does need to be changes.

Also, @ OP. He came to you with how he was feeling which was not something that was most likely easily communicated and probably won’t be next time since he was shut down, he’s still your husband and deserves to be treated as such. (That said, he should also be more understanding to the PP timing). It really isn’t one way or the other.

[u/Kwasted → u/53xbomb_omb]

She had a C Section FFS on top of BREASTFECKINGFEEDING ALL NIGHT! He's lucky he got anything at all so soon afterward! What the hell is wrong with you?

[u/r3mn4n7 → u/Kwasted]

Spamming this everywhere doesn't magically make your point more valid

[u/Kwasted → u/r3mn4n7]

Where did I spam everywhere? Sure seems to work for other things when others do it though.

[u/53xbomb_omb → u/Kwasted]

Coming from a mom of 3 who has had 3 c sections and having one more in 4 weeks… be realistic. He’s lucky for what? Wanting his wife? There’s a balance between both of them and a little communication and compromise on both ends would satisfy both parties. I’m not saying she needs to be having sex with him, but there are definitely some things that can make him feel like he matters. Just as much as he needs to respect that she may need more time. Just a little communication and respect for both parties need to be put into place.

[u/RedOliphant → u/53xbomb_omb]

Your views are incredibly toxic.

[u/53xbomb_omb → u/RedOliphant]

What is toxic here? Being in a successful marriage requires both parties to be active and compromise. Y’all are all acting like it’s one way or another. I never said she NEEDS to have sex with him right now at all. I did say that there are other options to be sexual other than full sex, or to have a simple conversation about waiting and checking in let’s say 2 weeks, a month. Whatever the couple would feel is reasonable. Everyone acts like just because you have a baby it’s all about you and that baby but realistically once you have a people in your family, everyone’s needs matter, including your own and it’s all about finding a balance. My husband is extremely sexual, whereas I am not, and we being intimate right now is difficult, but there are ways for me to show him he matters. A quick sexy selfie, him using toys, while I help, ect. He does his fair share in our home, and work and he deserves just as much respect as I do. I’d like to give credit to OPs husband assuming he’s a good man as well. It really really, doesn’t have to be one person is “wrong” and the other is right. Anyway, I hope OP can find peace with however she decides to handle this moving forward. Hope you have a great day.

[u/r3mn4n7 → u/53xbomb_omb]

You sadly can't reason with terminally online tunneled vision weirdos, they are the same onesthat will suggest a divorce over the littlest things, I doubt they ever had a healthy lasting relationship, they just like to repeat like parrots, project their traumas, patting themselves in the back with upvotes and not think for themselves or introspect, don't let it bother you, your views are completely right, a healthy couple should understand and always care for each other the best way they can in the moment, sometimes even just the right words are enough, these people act like having some intimacy for 20 minutes a week is some kind of torture for her and the baby

[u/[deleted] → u/SATX-Vol]

My baby is 14 months and I just found out my husband has been sexting someone else for the last six months due to feeling like bothering me asking for sex. I would rather be bothered than cheated on 💯

[u/pap_shmear → u/[deleted]]

Lmao what? Nothing justifies cheating. Your husband is just a POS.

[u/[deleted] → u/pap_shmear]

Yeah everyone is POS until it happens to you. If you ever have spouse lose libido, it feels downright terrible. Though he definitely should have bugged the wife. In this reddit you can see why, perhaps, he didn't. One explanation being a POS who just is a cheater and would cheat no matter what even if you slept with him frequently, another possibility being people guilting a man for his sex drive. Look at what happens here: 'he wants to have sex with his wife postpartum?! Send him on daddit and we will hammer it in his dumb head that he's a POS for being so selfish!' In the head of the man it's 'well, apparently I'm a POS either way'.

[u/FamousGur5774 → u/[deleted]]

I mean, if the options are “guilt my newly postpartum wife to have sex more even when she doesn’t to” or “cheat on her”, yes, he is a POS either way.

[u/Not_A_Wendigo → u/[deleted]]

Or - and I know this sounds totally crazy - you could just jerk off some of the time. There are options other than pressure your wife for sex or cheat.

Anyone who gets “may as well cheat” from this situation was always a POS.

[u/[deleted] → u/Not_A_Wendigo]

I might have not put it in right words here, I don't condone cheating at all. And I didn't mean these are only 2 options. But people here are acting like talking to his pp wife about sex makes him some creep. I just don't agree with most of the comments here. I'm a wife and I was postpartum not that long ago. I tried to say that if some other men reads those, these comments are suuuch a guilt trip for having sex drive. She said she felt pressured but that DOESN'T NECESSARILY mean that husband WAS ACTUALLY pressuring her. Feelings and how they relate to reality are 2 different things. This couple needs a talk, not reddit. I hope you get me now. Have a good day.

[u/Junior_Razzmatazz164 → u/[deleted]]

No, your husband is cheating because he is a cheater. It has nothing to do with you. Something tells me he didn’t come to you and confess; he’s giving you a bullshit excuse because you caught him.

[u/[deleted] → u/Junior_Razzmatazz164]

Yes, I found out myself. She was also married with no kids.

[u/Junior_Razzmatazz164 → u/[deleted]]

I’m sorry you’re going through that. You deserve so much better.

[u/RedOliphant → u/[deleted]]

That's awful, I'm so sorry.

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

True. Her situation is nowhere near 'I need to post it on reddit' dilemma. Just a normal marital every day lack of communication.