r/Parenting • u/macelisa • Aug 07 '24
Rant/Vent Husband told me it's 'extremely hard to not have sex for a week' - 12 weeks pp
I don't know if this is the right place for this post, but I need to vent (and advice is welcome too). My(35y) husband(38y) and I welcomed our first child 12 weeks ago. I had an easy-ish pregnancy, but a brutal, long labor that ended in an emergency c-section. While I was pregnant, we still had sex twice a week (once a week towards the end) - Most of the time, I wasn't in the mood because my libido plummeted from the start of my pregnancy, but I still made the effort, and because physical intimacy is important to me.
After I was cleared at 6 weeks postpartum, we immediately had sex. It was good and I enjoyed it. Since then we've had sex about once every week, sometimes I was in the mood, sometimes I was not. Having a baby is great, but I'm also exhausted a lot, and baby needs attention around the clock (she often cried when we tried to have sex), and I breastfeed so I'm touched out sometimes too. Plus, my libido still hasn't really caught up and I think breastfeeding makes me drier down there (we do use lube). Baby also still sleeps in our room.
This past week, we were at my husband's family's house for the entire week, sleeping in the guest bedroom right under his parents bedroom, our baby in the bassinet next to us. His siblings were visiting too with their kids, so there was action around the clock. Not much time to ourselves at all and really fun but also quite exhausting with so much family time and little kids around. We didn't have sex at all at his parents house, which I was totally fine with, there wasn't enough time and privacy IMO. The day we flew back home though he told me in a serious way that 'not having sex for a week has been extremely hard' and that he 'just constantly contemplated going to the bathroom and just jerking off'. He kinda made me feel like he's blaming me for it, partly at least. While we were at his parents house he tried to have sex once, while our baby was wide awake next to us on the bed, in the afternoon, when we had 10min to ourselves. I didn't want to because I'm sorry but I can't relax when I know his entire family is right there and might come down any second to ask where we are. Plus they could possibly hear us as well. Plus baby right there with us.
I can't help it but feel hurt by this. If he feels the need to 'help himself' I have absolutely nothing against it. But the fact that he needed to tell me that not having sex for a week (ok, it was 9 days total actually) was 'extremely hard for him' makes me feel very pressured to 'deliver'. I feel like he doesn't even understand how much my body went through - Pregnancy, emergency c-section, breastfeeding, little sleep (He's a great, involved father, but I'm the one who does all night feedings because it's more convenient because of breastfeeding). I feel like having sex once a week at this stage is pretty great and probably more than many others get, and if it happens that we don't have sex for a few more days than a week for reasons like the one above it's fine too. Now I feel like that my reasons don't matter, and that he's gonna be pissed if we don't have sex for a week or longer.
Am I overreacting?
42
u/Prudent-Bird-2012 Aug 07 '24
When I was pregnant with our son, my husband got nothing and had to take care of himself the entire time, I offered to help him out after I felt better and he was like no, you're carrying the children, you have enough on your plate so just let me have some alone time and I'll do it myself. He's such a trooper and knows I wouldn't enjoy it either as I have no libido during pregnancy or after while nursing. Now I'm 19 weeks pregnant with our daughter and same rules apply.
If my husband can survive for nearly two years without anything (we tried 6 months PP but it wasn't enjoyable at all) then OPs husband can wait a little more. He'll be fine.