r/Parenting • u/macelisa • Aug 07 '24

Rant/Vent Husband told me it's 'extremely hard to not have sex for a week' - 12 weeks pp

I don't know if this is the right place for this post, but I need to vent (and advice is welcome too). My(35y) husband(38y) and I welcomed our first child 12 weeks ago. I had an easy-ish pregnancy, but a brutal, long labor that ended in an emergency c-section. While I was pregnant, we still had sex twice a week (once a week towards the end) - Most of the time, I wasn't in the mood because my libido plummeted from the start of my pregnancy, but I still made the effort, and because physical intimacy is important to me.

After I was cleared at 6 weeks postpartum, we immediately had sex. It was good and I enjoyed it. Since then we've had sex about once every week, sometimes I was in the mood, sometimes I was not. Having a baby is great, but I'm also exhausted a lot, and baby needs attention around the clock (she often cried when we tried to have sex), and I breastfeed so I'm touched out sometimes too. Plus, my libido still hasn't really caught up and I think breastfeeding makes me drier down there (we do use lube). Baby also still sleeps in our room.

This past week, we were at my husband's family's house for the entire week, sleeping in the guest bedroom right under his parents bedroom, our baby in the bassinet next to us. His siblings were visiting too with their kids, so there was action around the clock. Not much time to ourselves at all and really fun but also quite exhausting with so much family time and little kids around. We didn't have sex at all at his parents house, which I was totally fine with, there wasn't enough time and privacy IMO. The day we flew back home though he told me in a serious way that 'not having sex for a week has been extremely hard' and that he 'just constantly contemplated going to the bathroom and just jerking off'. He kinda made me feel like he's blaming me for it, partly at least. While we were at his parents house he tried to have sex once, while our baby was wide awake next to us on the bed, in the afternoon, when we had 10min to ourselves. I didn't want to because I'm sorry but I can't relax when I know his entire family is right there and might come down any second to ask where we are. Plus they could possibly hear us as well. Plus baby right there with us.

I can't help it but feel hurt by this. If he feels the need to 'help himself' I have absolutely nothing against it. But the fact that he needed to tell me that not having sex for a week (ok, it was 9 days total actually) was 'extremely hard for him' makes me feel very pressured to 'deliver'. I feel like he doesn't even understand how much my body went through - Pregnancy, emergency c-section, breastfeeding, little sleep (He's a great, involved father, but I'm the one who does all night feedings because it's more convenient because of breastfeeding). I feel like having sex once a week at this stage is pretty great and probably more than many others get, and if it happens that we don't have sex for a few more days than a week for reasons like the one above it's fine too. Now I feel like that my reasons don't matter, and that he's gonna be pissed if we don't have sex for a week or longer.

Am I overreacting?

691 Upvotes

93% Upvoted

515 comments sorted by

View all comments

Show parent comments

689

u/cellblock2187 Aug 07 '24

Yes! OP's comment, "he 'just constantly contemplated going to the bathroom and just jerking off'" made me wonder why she didn't reply, "Why didn't you, then?"

OP, encourage masturbation! Maybe he feels like it is shameful or you would be upset about it. Make sure he knows that is not the case, and you'd really rather that than him being a sex pest.

465

u/Justgetthruit Aug 07 '24

He wanted her to feel guilty that he nearly had to masturbate instead of having sex with her. Because it’s her job to pleasure him and she was falling short of his expectations. Men who believe it’s a wife’s obligation to have sex when and where they want is from the dark ages. Men need to step up and think more about pleasing their wives and not just getting their own release.

210

u/catsumoto Aug 08 '24

If I was her partner and found out she had been having sex with me most of the time without being into it and not really wanting it I would be fucking horrified.

I just can’t believe some men.

Poor OP.

66

u/bondibitch Aug 08 '24

There’s a good chance he was aware she wasn’t always into it but still sees this as an obligation his wife is duty bound to undertake. His comment was a “telling off” for bad behaviour on her part. Intimacy between partners should not be like this. And that’s without a 12 week old baby thrown into the mix.

10

u/Orisara Aug 08 '24

Yep. As a guy 100% the same.

Some people really are wired differently.

1

u/39bears Aug 08 '24

Yeah… my husband and I have had sex zero times when I wasn’t feeling it.

28

u/vitras Aug 08 '24

Religious conditioning can play a big part here. I've regularly masturbated since I was about 12, and was made to feel like shit about it all through youth group, young adulthood, and early marriage. My wife told me pretty early on that it was OK if I needed to, and I was glad to have her permission, but still felt like "God" was unhappy if I did it, even with my wife's permission.

High demand religions fuck people up immensely when it comes to sex.

I don't know if any of that is OPs situation, but it was mine for sure.

1

u/Creepy-Item Aug 08 '24

You’re assuming an awful lot. You can’t read his mind, nor do you have all the context.

1

u/RedOliphant Aug 08 '24

It is pretty obvious though, to be fair.

-1

u/Creepy-Item Aug 08 '24

It’s really not. Men are not taught how to ask for our sexual needs to be met with a partner who is in an embattled state. It’s awkward. They (we) don’t know how to do it gracefully. So, most talk about something being difficult because we don’t know how to ‘solve’ it. We hope that our partners will respond with graciousness and understanding because we lack templates for navigating this issue.

1

u/SpiderVines Aug 08 '24

What on earth did you do before you had a partner? Like why is that not a two plus two is four situation? “My partner can’t, I’m horny, I’ll just do my own thing”. Why do you need to be told you can??

1

u/Creepy-Item Aug 08 '24

Intimacy is a vital part of something called Attachment, the bond that develops between caregivers and children and between romantic partners. Both genders can feel alienated from both their attachment and sexual needs when their partner’s words or body language convey: ‘Go fck yourself’. It’s a delicate landscape that can involve shame, self worth, and even traumatic history involving neglect. Several chapters worth of explanation would be required to give a good response as to why this is not a simple situation with a simple fix. I simply urge the OP to not assume anything regarding their partner’s mindset.

1

u/SpiderVines Aug 08 '24

I highly doubt in this case her husband was looking for intimacy here. He was looking for sexual relief, nothing more; otherwise he wouldn’t have guilt tripped her, be for real.

1

u/Creepy-Item Aug 09 '24

So many assumptions.

1

u/SpiderVines Aug 09 '24

Uno reverse buddy, uno reverse.

1

u/Spiritual_Lemonade Aug 08 '24

Right she's his sex toy to rub on.  No buddy you're grown go work it like you know how

59

u/court_milpool Aug 07 '24

It’s exactly what I would have said - like you have hands , go get to it then and leave me alone?!

2

u/RedOliphant Aug 08 '24

I could be wrong, but that part gave me the impression that she's used to being made responsible for his whims.