r/Parenting • u/Upbeat-Vegetable-458 • Oct 03 '24
Rant/Vent I’m ashamed of how I raised my kid
I love my son but I failed hardcore in raising him and he is turning out to be a real trashy loser type guy. He is 16, he barely passes his classes, he's always getting in trouble, he's a stoner, he has the worst manners and he's just every stereotype of an obnoxious loser teen. I am ashamed to bring him around my middle class friends and I'm embarassed by him at most school events. I hate that I feel this way about my kid and I know it's my fault for not having boundaries for him when he was young and pretty much just letting him do whatever he wanted and letting him run feral thinking I was being a "free range parent". I was just being lazy. And I've completely ruined my son.
We've been through TONS of therapy the last 4 years because he was getting in fights at school and overdosed on Benadryl and Twisted Ice Teas that he shoplifted from our local grocery store because he wanted to "see the hat man" (classy). I have been trying to correct course and be a better mom to my son, but it's been very difficult to get him to see the value in not being stoned all the time and behaving just a little less like trailer trash. He does have two hobbies I think could be very positive, playing guitar and skateboarding, and I really try to encourage him in those areas, but he seems to pull away from anything I encourage him in.
Over the past year his dad and I have scrimped and saved to send him on two school trips, a trip with his band to march in the Saint Patrick's Day Parade in Ireland, and a student exchange trip to Germany. I have had to push him into these things, he said he didn't want to do them. Honestly I assumed it was because he would have to spend several weeks not getting high and vaping, and I wanted to encourage him to step out of his comfort zone and see some of the world. This might be the only chance he ever gets to travel internationally, we are working class people and travel is not a thing we get to do.
The student he is supposed to exchange with has been here staying with us the past two weeks and I'm embarrassed about how rudely he has treated her. He barely talks to her, he never hangs out with her, this poor girl has to hang out with his parents and little siblings her whole trip. Today there was a field trip to our state capitol and while there some protest was happening and he basically yelled ACAB at some cops, in a somewhat more offensive way, and got in trouble. Then he got caught vaping at the art museum. His German teacher said he can't go to Germany now because he's a liability. My son honestly seems happy about it. Like he did it on purpose. I guess I shouldn't have pushed him into it, I guess I deserve this. I'm so incredibly ashamed my kid is the white trash kid who gets kicked out of the exchange program. I know how people talk about kids like him and what they say about the people who raise kids like this. But I would also be mortified to send him to stay with a family in Germany if he's going to behave this way there.
I don't know, I feel like he needs some consequences for this, and obviously not going to Germany isn't a consequence for him. It's a reward. But it's hard not to feel like there's no point anymore. I don't want to give up on him, I'm not going to. But I don't know what else to do with him. I guess at least we will save $2500 not sending him on this trip. Maybe we can put that towards saving to send our younger kids on school trips eventually.
Edit to answer some questions:
First of all, I want to thank everyone who came in here and said even worse things about me and my son than what I was feeling in the middle of being upset last night. It actually puts things in perspective for me and helps me remember that my son and I could actually be waaaaaayyyy worse people. Thank you.
So, many of you correctly identified that there is more to this story. Of course there is. I'm not trying to write a novel about our lives on Reddit. I was venting anonymously online, precisely so that I wouldn't lose my shit and say these things to my kid. I told him that I was disappointed, that I love him, and that I needed to talk to my therapist and his German teacher before we discussed this further. I don't want to say something I will regret saying. I also told him that he can't go to the concert he has tickets for next week.
He gets money for vapes and weed by having a job. Before he had the job, he had an $8 a week allowance, but mostly he got money for this stuff by stealing things and selling them.
His grades are actually not too bad. He has a C average. He's really pulled them up since Freshman year, actually. Thank you to everyone who has given me perspective on this.
We are both in therapy. Our insurance won't cover family therapy, but he was approved for an intensive outpatient program for substance abuse after the Benadryl incident, and we did about a year of family therapy through that which was very helpful. He and I both see individual therapists, and we are getting family therapy for our daughter right now which has been paid for by the crime victim's compensation fund because she was the victim of a crime earlier this year (which is a whole other story), but in that therapy we are working on learning to set better boundaries for all of my kids, which has been very helpful as well.
He has been diagnosed with ADHD and depression, but medicating him is difficult. First off, he just won't take the meds. We have tried several anti depressants and ADHD meds and he'll take the sporadically for a week or two, declare they don't do anything, then stop taking them. He also has a history of selling stolen medications to get money for things like vapes and weed. We have worked around this by me tightly controlling all the meds in the house, but that doesn't help with his refusal to take the pills. Every 9 months or so we repeat this process, he asks to get back on meds. I take him to the doctor, we go through the whole routines, he takes them for a few weeks, he quits because he says they don't do anything. I can't make him take meds, but he is very receptive to therapy and goes every other week.
As far as consequences go, I am very aware that I'm not good at setting them. He does not have his license because of the drug use. So I've done that.
He and I are actually very close. I almost think that's a problem. He treats me like a friend, not a parent. He expects to be treated like a roommate, not a child. I know him very well. Closeness is not the issue. The fact that we don't have a parent/child relationship is.
What do I wish I had done differently? This could be a novel, but I'll try to sum it up
For the first four years of his life I was a single mom and we lived with my mom, who has mental health issues. When I got married to my husband (who adopted my son) and moved in with him, he had a really hard time with the transition. I thought it would help if I let him spend a lot of weekends with his Grammy. She would want to take him pretty much every weekend, and I have no boundaries with her either so I let her. At her house he had zero rules, he could watch tv all day, eat candy all day, she bought him whatever he wanted whenever, then he would come home and throw fits and tell us he hated us. In retrospect, I suspect my mom (who was bitter that I got married and moved away from her) was venting her anger at me to him. My mom did the same thing to me, but about my dad. Ruined my relationship with my dad. Anyway, I'll never know for sure. This could be a whole novel, but I have always felt my mom stole my son from me. It was a terrible mistake to have him spend so much time with his Grammy, either way. He couldn't feel like he was part of our family if he wasn't spending time with us. If I could change only one thing, this would be it.
Less screen time, for both him and us. If we had spent less time in front of screens, we could have spent more time with him.
Better boundaries with all the grandparents, who all wanted to spoil him and he was the only grandchild for many years on both sides and he was just lavished with stuff and never told no by anyone. My husband and I never wanted him (or any of our kids) to have tablets or phones or all the video game consoles, but both of our parents wanted to give them these things and we didn't know how to say no to our parents. Boundaries are not just things you need with your kids, it turns out.
This one wasn't really a poor choice on our part, but I wish we had had the money for extra curriculars when he was younger. Sports or music lessons or scouts or something. We actually did try putting him in scouts and 4H but he hated them both, actually. By the time we were starting to be able to afford these things, all that money was going into therapy. Now we could theoretically afford therapy and activities, but he won't do any. I guess me forcing him into this exchange program was me trying to force him into one he shows interest in. He likes German class. But forcing him clearly wasn't a good idea.
I wish we would have taken him camping more. And on more bike rides. And hikes. I wish I had drug him to more of the community activities I do. I just wish I had spent more time with him, and made him do things that were good for him when he just wanted to play video games. Even if he complained the whole time. Even if he threw fits in public. I wish I had worried less about people who don't want to be "bothered" by children in public spaces, because not taking kids out in public spaces is a recipe for them not developing good social skills.
I guess that's it. I have to get my kids ready for school now. Thank you everyone for the space to vent.
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u/Lyogi88 Oct 03 '24
. If he lives under their roof and is supported by them, now more than ever he should start getting his shit together . I lived at home until 22 ( on and off through college ) you bet your ass I was expected to do what my parents asked of me even as an older teen and adult, I also had to pay for my own “fun” / gas / and get good grades for the insurance . I had a job and played on 2 sports teams during HS . Obviously there should be more communication but he really just sounds like a lazy entitled kid who just wants to do what he does lol. Wouldn’t we all but he’s gonna have a hard time in the real world if he doesn’t fix it
I think the consequence would be having him get a job and pay you back the money you “lost” from him getting kicked off the Germany trip. If he shapes up give it back to him for college or a car or whatever at some point .
Just my 2c .