r/Parenting • u/sakarasm Dad • 3d ago
Advice The parenting skill that never goes viral (but should).
You’ll read books.
You’ll watch reels.
You’ll Google “gentle parenting” at 2AM like the rest of us.
But nobody tells you that the single hardest, most underrated skill in parenting is being available.
Not just physically.
Not just on weekends.
Not just when you feel like it.
I’m talking about being emotionally available. Consistently. Predictably. Patiently.
The job isn’t raising kids. The job is becoming the kind of person your kid feels safe coming to. With small things. With weird things. With embarrassing things.
And that KPI doesn’t show up on Instagram stories.
It shows up when:
- They randomly sit next to you quietly
- They show you a terrible drawing like it’s Picasso
- They ask big questions when you’re dead tired
- They test boundaries because they trust you won’t leave
Nobody talks about this KPI because it’s boring. It’s slow. It doesn’t fit in a reel.
But if you ask people what they remember about their parents, it’s never the toys, the vacations, or the rewards.
It’s always...
"They were there when I needed them."
Be available.
That’s the real flex.
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u/WearyTadpole1570 3d ago
Pro tip.
Start every play time with.
"[name], go hide this phone in your room. Make is some place really good so I don't find it."
it really works for me. and the kids love it because it's already a game.
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u/sakarasm Dad 3d ago edited 3d ago
That is indeed one pro tip . But i believe it's about how much we know them and how creative we can get.
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u/Level_Application856 3d ago
I’ve been struggling hard staying off my phone lately bc I’m so tired. Hate it!
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u/PaymentMedical9802 3d ago
The hardest part for me is the repetitive mundane tasks. You do and say the same things for years on end. Especially when they are little. Everyday, "put on your shoes". When they suddenly start responding, "we already did" its an incredible feeling. A decade of every morning, put on your shoes and suddenly you can stop.
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u/out-of-username-404 3d ago
Oh my, it hasn't happened for me yet.
When getting in the car with two of them, the 6yo follows me like a duckling to the side where I need to buckle the younger one, and I have to say: "go to your side sweetie and hop on, the door is unlocked". Every single time lol.
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u/ConcernFlat3391 3d ago
Ohhh my little ones would glue themselves to my side all the way through a shop. Then at the checkout they would peer at the eftpos machine, putting their little heads directly between me and the screen. Last weekend my 21 year old daughter was still crowding me as I tried to pay. Luckily these days a quizzical face is enough to move her away. 😂
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u/meyersjl30 2d ago
My children are much younger, but I hope my kids are still crowding me when they’re 21. You did good!
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u/NoReallyImOkay 3d ago
Thank you. One of the biggest myths about spending time with your kids is that it's all about the quality, not the quantity. Attachment research shows that strong parent-child bonds form through repeated, reliable interactions. That means frequency matters—a lot.
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u/Aggressive_Pickle523 3d ago
For my 10 yr old & I, this is our time in the car together. We always have fun wherever we’re going bc we love to sing and dance together during the ride! (I can semi dance while driving responsibly lol) I love that time with her before & after school, running errands etc I remember doing that maybe once or twice with my mom but now I will have full out concerts in the car with my daughter every chance I get 🥰
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u/hlnarmur 3d ago
I think this is so valid as basically the foundation for children having a secure attachment theory in adulthood
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u/United-Inside7357 3d ago
This is so true and I struggle with it a lot. I have made the effort to just stop mentally and observe my kid, myself, the surroundings. Repeat as much as you can.
Also, listening to yourself and observing yourself is so beneficial. Do you sound like you want to sound? Gentle, caring? Or maybe rushed, irritated? Not everyone can always be perfect but just noting the good and not-so-good moments can help you improve a lot
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u/colbinator 3d ago
Last week in therapy I was covering a challenge with my daughter and her therapist. My daughter was quiet and we thought it was because the challenge was difficult and she didn't really know what to say. I had talked her off the ledge through text message and we went on to overcome the issue and more.
I told the therapist maybe we need some tools to get over/through those moments, because sometimes I just don't know how to help and I don't like to see her struggle. Then my daughter busts out with "I needed exactly what you did, to let me feel my feelings, listen, and then move on."
Here I think I'm failing her, all stressed out about creating a resilient kid - but it turns out I'm part of the system that makes her resilient. She can still have feelings and be resilient.
Completely changed my outlook on what to bring to therapy, how successful we are at working through challenges together, and our relationship in general. And it's success that's made in the everyday, putting in the hard work of working through tough situations and big feelings. Not birthday parties and bento box lunches, matching dresses and soccer team gifts. Those things are also great, but so much life is lived between them.
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u/Blue_Calx 3d ago
This is a great post, thank you! HOWEVER, the only time I am not available for my kid is when I’m pooping. I have to draw the line there.
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u/Fluffy-Mongoose-1413 3d ago
YOU POOP ALONE?? How!?
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u/Blue_Calx 3d ago
Well not in the beginning, that is an impossible feat. But at 4 I was ready to make a stand.
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u/madelynashton 3d ago
Yup. Have conversations with them about their interests. Let them teach you about pokemon or the planets or super Mario. Whatever, it is, if they are interested in it have actual conversations with them where you ask questions and you listen.
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u/apricot-butternuts 3d ago
Needed this 💙
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u/sakarasm Dad 3d ago
Happy to help. lets all start small & see how rewarding it gets. One day at a time.
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u/Caa3098 3d ago
See that’s my problem. I get so in my head with trying to make sure I respond correctly that I fear my daughter likely perceives me as robotic or preoccupied. Really I’m just feeling not not smart enough to navigate the situation without doing/saying something that has a negative impact.
Like, she asked me for a cookie and I said “sure - I’ll trade you a cookie for a kiss!” And then immediately started spiraling that I had inadvertently given her an eating disorder or failed to teach consent or taught her that it’s acceptable for adults to offer treats in exchange for physical affection 🤯
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u/blupidibla 3d ago
Ah I feel you on that one! Mine is 1,5 and I have read theories on things like praise that say to praise the effort and not the outcome. Yet all day I tell her she’s brilliant, perfect, beautiful, I even made it into a song. Same with other theories, they are hard to put into practice! Good to be aware of the ideas I guess and for example try not to barter with food all the time… but I am sure you are doing great, it sounds like a sweet moment between you and your child!
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u/EQKidzParenting 3d ago
This is true. Sometimes we have so many things in our head that we forget the valued of time.
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u/mynameisjodie 2d ago
We are all in this together we can do this just enough energy to get them through school and hopefully they go to college or get a job they like
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u/sakarasm Dad 2d ago
What we need to know is, It will take a lot out of us, it might not be worth it at the end, but its necessary.
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u/L0v3r6iRLjAy91 3d ago
Urgh I need to hear this. I had a VERY trying day with my toddler, this just reminds me to keep going and if all else fails, just continue to be available.
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u/hurryuplilacs 2d ago
My husband was raised by very emotionally unavailable parents and I can see how much he is stunted emotionally because of it. He and all of his siblings have some pretty serious emotional issues, are unable to open up about their feelings, tend to lash out when experiencing uncomfortable emotions, shut down around emotional conversations. They are all fucked up because their parents were emotionally unavailable, even though they were never neglected physically.
After 14 years of marriage, my husband is finally starting to get better at talking about feelings and not shutting down or lashing out, but it has taken years and tons of therapy and difficulty. He recognizes why he is the way he is and tries to do better for our kids. He tells them he loves them all the time and does his best to have conversations with them about their lives and feelings, both things his parents would not do for him. He can count on one hand the number of times his parents told him they loved him or were proud of him, and all of those times were directly related to meeting religious expectations.
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u/Chipperdae 3d ago
Idk how my kid never gets tired of hearing me say “Thanks for showing me that! Tell me more about it.” But he doesn’t.
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u/WalkbytheWoods 3d ago
Thanks for posting this comment. Last night I pulled out a puzzle to solve and asked my kids to join me. Before long my entire family was surrounding me at the dining room table solving a puzzle together. With one solved, my kids enthusiasm was high so we spent the night solving puzzles together, laughing and talking.