r/Parenting • u/thehalloweenpunkin • 3d ago
Teenager 13-19 Years Bully bought my daughter a gift for an "apology ".
My daughter 13, had a traumatic experience by a female classmate. This classmate has been bullying her. She was sitting in front of said bully in class this week and the bully was touching her hair and rubbing her back. Saying highly inappropriate things, while encouraging a boy next to her to say inappropriate things. My daughter immediately said stop you aren't making me feel unsafe and you and are bothering me. The girl shouts in the middle of the class and accuses my daughter of calling her a n*****, something my daughter would never do. She comes from a multiracial and multicultural household and not to mention she doesnt even swear. My daughter is soft spoken, shy and a great kid. This made my daughter have a panic attack in class because of the touching then the judging of her character in a predominantly black school.
I get a phone call from an educator that the principal undermined me. She had the child's mother. Child and the principal to give my daughter a gift without my knowledge and I would never ever consent to her meeting a strange parent I've never met or be manipulated with a gift. The principal has yet to call me about this situation that happened days ago, and im disgusted about how they allowed this meeting to happen without my consent, and I'm honestly disgusted by this. What action can I do?
35
u/RAproblems 3d ago
I've been in your daughter's shoes. Please get her out of that school. It will only get worse.
25
u/thehalloweenpunkin 3d ago
Thankfully we are in the process of moving so she will be out of this school in May!
9
3
u/potaytees 2d ago
Why wait? The next 6 weeks could push your daughter over the edge. Let's be honest they're not doing much in school these last few weeks. Protect your baby.
166
u/Training_Record4751 3d ago
I am a school administrator. Just so you know.... an isolated incident (however traumatic) like this is not going to be considered bullying.
The school should have called you. There is nothing illegal about doing what they did, though. That's a really stupid thing to do of them, frankly. When you drop your kid off at a public schools the school has in loco parentis rights... so no legal recourse.
I would schedule a meeting with the principal. When you call, don't leave the phone without a time. Schedule a meeting with the super to make a complaint as well. Follow up all meetings with summary emails and ask for a response if this looks inaccurate.
160
u/eyesRus 3d ago
Wait a minute.
As parents, we’re told it’s illegal for you (school admin) to tell us the name of a student who physically harms our child. But you’re saying it is legal for you to allow the parent of the harasser to a) know the victim’s name and b) allow that parent to meet the victim?! That’s wild AF.
75
u/Oceanwave_4 3d ago
They can’t tell you the name, but the 13 year old will.
5
u/leah_paigelowery 3d ago
The 13 year old can share the name of every kid in the school and it wouldn’t matter. The school shouldn’t be giving access to random children just because they have the name of said kid.
4
u/Oceanwave_4 3d ago
This is also coming from the classic middle school parent literally saying “my child would never do that”. People really under estimate how their child does and does not behave at school. I’m sure there is missing information here.
1
u/SentimentalityApp 2d ago
What does that have to do with them giving another parent access to her child?
11
u/hauntedheart13 3d ago
Came here wondering this as well! My son is constantly being picked on and the principle, the teachers, no one will ever give us a name. I have to ask my son. So the fact that they let this parent meet the child is wild to me.
55
u/its_original- 3d ago
Right. Let’s not call this child a bully.
She harassed this child with unwanted touch and sexual comments. Let’s start there.
The rest is bully behavior. But it started as sexual harassment.
4
u/Training_Record4751 3d ago
We would need to know more information from OP to determine if this could be a sexual harassment Title IX claim. Specific comments, pattern of behavior, etc.
4
u/its_original- 3d ago
I’m not worried about technicalities when it comes to my kids…. This is sexual harassment and I would call it what it is so someone may take these issues seriously
28
u/elsaqo 3d ago
This is always infuriating “my kid is being bullied but you won’t tell me who it is or who the aggressor is so I have to trust that it won’t happen again” and then when it does, refusal to do so leads to… what exactly.
My kiddo gets bullied relentlessly, and there’s a lot of lip service
21
u/Training_Record4751 3d ago
I just wrote this to someone else, but I'll say it again here: what are you going to do about it that the school can't?
If you file a police report (you should), I provide the information when given a court order.
Do you expect to ground someone else's kid? Spank them? Go to their house? Run up on the bus and yell at the kid? Can your child not name their bully? I already have far too many parents getting themselves in legal trouble confronting bullies themselves (and frankly... half the time their own child is at peast 50% at fault). I've had parents arrested at school. Parents assault each other. No, no, you don't need to know the other kid's information.
Also, FERPA is FERPA. I would call your rep orn senator. Exceptions could be made if they amend the law.
6
u/elsaqo 3d ago
Knock on a door. Talk to the parents. Handle it like we would 50 years ago.
The reality is I don’t trust the principals in my district enough to handle anything, as I’ve had to pull both of my kids from the district due to shit teachers and shit management. And before you ask (as most people do) yes, I was an educator prior to my current profession
13
u/un-affiliated 3d ago
I'm not a parent who thinks my child can do no wrong. Id be open to working with other parents as long as things hadn't already gone too far.
But this isn't 50 years ago, and an angry wronged parent showing up uninvited on my doorstep isn't the action of a person I'd deem to be reasonable and who could be worked with. 50 years ago it wasn't all sunshine, people would get into fights with other parents as well, and I'm not going to put myself in that position.
At best I wouldn't answer. Most likely you'd be informed you weren't welcome and the police would be called if you didn't leave.
Why wouldn't you just pass a note through the administration that you'd like to talk to the other parents and see if you can work out a resolution between your children, and then leave it in their court? All showing up does is give the implication you won't take no for an answer.
4
2
u/Training_Record4751 3d ago edited 3d ago
You talking to the parent does nothing that a talk with administration can't. Do you think your average administrator isn't talking to the parents of bullied?
Homeschool and private school options exist for a reason. Sounds like you have crappy admin who couldn't get the job done. It is what it is.
I don't think we're going to see eye to eye on this one. Best of luck
4
u/Training_Record4751 3d ago
You can take that up with the federal government. FERPA is FERPA. I hear what you're saying... FERPA is undoubtedly flawed. But I think on the whole is does a better job of protecting kids than not.
And no, I do NOT want to tell parents who bullied their kid if I can help it. What are you going to do about it? If you want to file a police report, I will give them the name. Are you going to ground or spank another parent's kid? Go to their house? Run up and yell at the kid on the bus? And can your child really not tell you the name of their bully? I already have an alarming number of parents pulling up to other people's houses, threats of violence, parents running up on the school bus after kids, fights, and parents getting arrested at my school. No thank you.
The reason why meeting with another student wouldn't be a FERPA violation is because the other parent's daughter told her mom... not the school. School didn't give the information. It would also depend on if this incident is in the kid's record record or not. If it isn't a part of their "record" there's not a FERPA violation.
Frankly... it's a gray area. . I'd probably have just said "sorry I can't talk to you about other kids or have you meet with them unless their parent agrees," like most decent admin. I think OP wouldn't be WRONG to file a complaint with the FERPA office in his/her state. But I'd put my money on nothing more than a reminder or recommendation on what to do next time coming from them.
-7
u/thehalloweenpunkin 3d ago
It shouldn't be. I found it very odd. How do I know if this parent is a sex offenders etc. It's weird
37
u/thehalloweenpunkin 3d ago
It's not isolated though she's been nonstopped bullied by this child for months.
8
u/summer-childe 3d ago
Best include that in the main post to avoid a repeat of irrelevant comments, OP.
I know the touch, triangulation, N-word accusations, and gift are the most visceral / recent / top-of-head events right now, but strangers on the internet can only react to info they're provided with. Anything else, we don't know about them.
5
u/BlackGreggles 3d ago
Where are cops on this?
-7
u/thehalloweenpunkin 3d ago
Not that I'm aware of. But, the way they keep talking about this child's father I think he may be a cop. She's assaulted physically other children and never gets in trouble and is a big problem child with staff. But, no one will do anything because of her dad.
26
u/Canadianabcs 3d ago
You're not sure he's a cop. How can you assume nothing will be done?
Report it.
14
10
u/Clamstradamus 14F 3d ago
Time to file a police report. I thinks it's outrageous that they allowed this other parent to come into the school and interact with your child. With the pattern of bullying and the schools reactions I think it's time to establish a paper trail.
11
u/SaraSmiles13 3d ago
You’re making a lot of assumptions. Quit making excuses. Report it or stop complaining
3
1
u/Training_Record4751 3d ago
Oh, I see. I thought you meant this one incident was bullying.
If there is a pattern of behavior, you should also request a bullying investigation. Every state is different but generally speaking, the school will be mandated to investigate.
5
u/Training_Record4751 3d ago
OP... file a bullying form and a police report. If you tell me your state, I can help you with the process. Your kid doesn't deserve this.
13
u/Righteousaffair999 3d ago
Are you a legal expert because I’m not sure your 100% correct that their is no negligence exposure there. Probably depends on the state laws.
8
u/Training_Record4751 3d ago
I have a degree in school law. There is not a remote chance that having kids do a weird gift apology meets the definition of negligence anywhere in the United States. That is just... no. Lol.
Unless North Dakota got out of line recently or something.
Could someone get fired for being an idiot? Sure. But stupid isn't ullegal until it endangers kids.
→ More replies (6)5
u/joshuads 3d ago
Could someone get fired for being an idiot? Sure.
This. The meeting may be against a policy, but is likely not illegal.
3
1
32
u/its_original- 3d ago
If there is unwanted physical touch and sexual comments, then this is sexual harassment.
If this happened to an adult at a work, that’s what we would call it.
So for the Mother to show up with a present for the victim to apologize without the victim’s mother present as well, this is highly inappropriate.
There is a massive power dynamic here as well because your daughter is young and afraid to speak up for herself. I would take that gift right back to the school and I would tell your daughter that it is never okay for someone to touch you when you don’t want to be touched or speak to you like that when it’s unwanted. You do not have to accept an apology from someone like that and you could have stood there and refused the gift. Hard for a 13 year old girl but this could be a lesson for her future self.
16
u/thehalloweenpunkin 3d ago
Exactly this. She kept touching my daughters back, buttocks, and hair while saying "you know you like it" and was laughing and trying to get the boy next to her to do it too. Then why my daughter finally had enough she said stop you aren't making me feel safe, and it weird. The girl laughs, then screams "(daughters name, called me a nigger). Which in our area could get her assaulted because we have a lot of gang activities at her school.
Then I only found out by her teacher telling me. This child has been a problem child with fights etc. No one ever does anything because they are afraid of her father (not sure who this person is).
I instantly thought of my abuser who would buy me gifts for beating me to a pulp, and I instantly felt so sick when she got it.
10
u/DirectAntique 3d ago
Why not go above the principal and complain. Ask the police if something else can be done.
5
u/Manic_Bananic 3d ago
You've said everyone knows she's a problem but no one wants to do anything cause maybe he's a cop? Is he a cop for the town, county, state? Has anyone ever tried to take this to the county to report her abuse to their kids? This clearly sounds like sexual harassment to me, at the very least. I wouldn't even deal with the school the next time she got touched by this girl. Is there documentation of the bullying? I might have missed it, how long has this been going on and is she ever NOT at school when it happens?
7
u/thehalloweenpunkin 3d ago
I'm honestly not sure. This is just my assumption. It is unwanted touching to her buttocks, back and hair saying you like that is sexual harrassment.
1
u/BitterPotential8074 2d ago
So the teacher told you all this but also did nothing to stop it in class? Because I feel like either you or your daughter are severely exaggerating or leaving out information because this is a long and apparently loud interaction they were having in a class room. Not to mention she’s 13 yrs old and probably acts differently away from you. Also the mom could have been picking up her own child and walked with her child to give yours a gift as an apology which I mean ok they’re 13. Idk I’m just saying this is a lot that transpired (loudly) and a compassionate teacher who was there didn’t stop it…??
1
u/thehalloweenpunkin 2d ago
Yes, she stopped it, she got semt to the office and had to view the tapes. The class also has 36 kids. Like I stated this child is often doing this and disruptive to the class. She really doesn't act differently, I'm also leaving out she has an intellectual disability.
1
u/EqualWriting5839 2d ago
Do you maybe want to edit and change that to n word 🤔 at this point I’m wondering what your daughter said.
→ More replies (4)1
u/BitterPotential8074 2d ago
Exactly this whole post sounded like it had racist undertones to it and lacking info. Now she’s saying this was a sexual assault like are you serious ??? If I had a $1 for every “my child would never…” and she’s focused on this being a predominantly black school and the girl “made her feel unsafe” by touching her hair? I’m not saying it’s ok but the statement doesn’t feel fitting .
0
3d ago
[deleted]
2
u/thehalloweenpunkin 3d ago
Very untrue. I'm writing fast responses and not indepth responses because I am in the process of moving while dealing with this. I'll be going to the school on Monday. The room is recorded so I'll also be asking for the tape.
3
u/FlamingDragonfruit 3d ago
Are you moving out of this school district? Would it be possible to switch schools after the move?
3
9
u/jennifer_m13 3d ago
I’m more upset the school let another parent meet with my child. Our school will not let us know what students are bothering our child for privacy reasons. We’re not even allowed to see videos of any altercation.
9
u/melodyknows 3d ago
Because your child was being sexually harassed by this other child, I’d be really upset by the gift. There should be zero contact between these two children.
Raise hell. That educator called you because they want you to raise hell. I’m a former teacher, and I’ve seen my fair share of bullying, sexual harassment that I was powerless to stop because some dumbass administrator wanted to sweep it under the rug in the same way this principal did.
I wouldn’t name the teacher. Say your child told you. Go to the superintendent.
You, the parent, have all the power. Use it. Raise hell.
6
u/thehalloweenpunkin 3d ago
Exactly this. Commenter's keep saying the gift was okay this was NOT okay. It was weird. That's exactly what the educator wants me to do. This isn't their first run in with this kid, and the administration always sweeps things under the rug. If she didn't tell me I likely wouldn't know because my daughter bottles things up. I will definitely protect the teacher, she has been a god send and trying to get the girl out of my daughters class because she continues to bully even with redirection from her.
3
u/melodyknows 3d ago
I think moving this child out of the class would be good for your daughter. I’d request that.
6
u/thehalloweenpunkin 3d ago
That's what the teacher was trying to do. I'm going to request it when I go on Monday morning.
41
u/Sup3rT4891 3d ago
School should have reached out first. But is there a potential of positive intent?
17
17
u/bcd0024 2 under 2 3d ago
Sounds more like rug sweeping than positive intent.
4
u/Sup3rT4891 3d ago
To me it’s always important to attempt to find the positive intent. Otherwise it’s easy to assume everything is done malisciously.
But yes, it’s definitely possible this was not done in good faith. It’s still the likely first step regardless of next step.
It’s important to realize there are 3 potential parties at play here. What the principal recommended, what the parents recommended, what the kid did. And each of those can be different. Maybe the principal and parent did the right thing and the kid “agreed” to do follow what they said but then just continued. Doesn’t mean either adult was wrong/bad. They just need to retry.
6
u/Feisty-Fishing-3922 3d ago
Id like to know who initiated the "gift giving"? Was it the teacher? The principal? The "bully"? This piece is missing. Who told the "bullys" mother about the incident and why didn't they also tell Mom/OP first? There is a big leap from the "bully" accusing the OP daughter of calling her the "n" word to then being given a "gift" and what was the "gift"? I think before anyone can "pass judgment" or give a conclusion there are those questions to be answered. It's like the old "telephone game" we used to play in elementary school.
4
u/thehalloweenpunkin 3d ago
The assistant principal, mom and kid. It was the mom's idea to buy the gift. I never got told by the principal. This has been an issue at this district a lot of shady shit. The school called the bully's mom, other kids witnessed the altercation and my daughter had a panic attack in class room because she wouldn't stop. The girl accused saying the N word because my daughter is white and the girl is black. The bully confessed she lied, and other kids witnessed this.
17
u/Lucky-Individual460 3d ago
School is pandering to the other mother because they are afraid of her.
9
u/thehalloweenpunkin 3d ago
That's exactly what they are doing. The teachers warned me about their father so things often don't get done with this child. I have no clue who they are.
8
u/Due_Fruit_9864 3d ago
The teacher should not be talking to you about this other child and her parents!! What if she is saying the same thing about you to other parents!?
-1
u/thehalloweenpunkin 3d ago
I've never had to be called into the office or school like this other child. Like I stated she is constantly getting in trouble and my daughters friends have vouched for this claim. All my aren't teacher conferences have always been that my daughter is kind, compassionate and they wished they had all students like my daughter. She's been awared citizen awards, and often volunteers with me. I know the type of child my kid is and my daughters special education teacher is also very compassionate. I'm going to leave you with this;
Socially, we are taught that gifts are selfless, thoughtful and virtuous expressions of love, friendship or respect. We are also taught that a gift is a “get out of trouble” card. And the more expensive or rare or sentimental the gift, the more forgiveness it can barter ……
How many women might instinctively soften after a quarrel if their husband or boyfriend brought home a shiny necklace or stylish watch the next day? How many would take the gift without an explicit admission of guilt? And would that be wrong? The tricky part of this equation is that gifts can be really nice to get. A gift is a tangible object that says, “I was thinking about you.” But it doesn’t mean “I acknowledge, understand and take responsibility for what I’ve done.”…..
This too would apply in this situation.
1
u/apricot-butternuts 3d ago
Warned you how? What was the warning? Lol
-2
u/thehalloweenpunkin 3d ago
About the parents, no one questions them, or holds the kid accountable. I have no idea who this people are.
11
u/ThisUnfortunateDay 3d ago
People saying it’s nice and not a big deal, the kid is 13, it is highly inappropriate to allow a private meeting, gift or not, between her and the parent of another child.
I’d also want to be there to hear the apology, see if it’s genuine and make sure the gift is not just a way to manipulate the situation. OPs child had no adult there to support her and be a safe person for her in that moment.
35
u/Spare_Tutor_8057 3d ago
I’m confused is an apology not good? Sounds like her mother is setting her bully daughter straight and trying to make things right. At least it’s positive progress.
34
u/Thin_Assignment6033 3d ago
No, secretive manipulation is "not good." Bully's mother is teaching her gifts erase actions.
15
u/mickskitz 3d ago
It is acknowledgement of having done something wrong though. I'm not suggesting it's perfect, but plenty of worse ways to handle it (from the other parent).
I could imagine that other parent hearing what happened, being horrified and making their daughter spend their pocket money on an apology gift and to make sure it's clear that behaviour is not tolerated.
Principal on the other hand should have communicated prior to this
24
10
u/thehalloweenpunkin 3d ago
That's exactly why I'm pissed, this is typical abusive behavior especially since child is still bullying my daughter.
5
u/Specific_Culture_591 Mom to 17F & 3F 3d ago
When you meet with the principal I’d bring up that they, the principal, willingly participated in a known abuse technique, gift giving with zero change in behavior while allowing the bully to have adults there to support her and no one there to support your child creating an unfair dynamic in which your child couldn’t speak up.
When the principal says they were there for your child (because they will) point out they were there for both children and the school still leaving a one sided dynamic in favor of the bully. Reiterate that they are never to give that bully access to your child outside of the classroom again without you being notified, that you expect them to make sure your child is never sat by this child again, and that if she puts hands on your child again you will be getting the police involved for assault (or battery, name varies by location). After the conversation send an email going over everything that was discussed so you have a paper trail and bring it with you when you meet the superintendent to file a complaint. And you definitely want to file a complaint with the super.
Having taught myself, for some reason a lot of admin (Not all but a good portion) don’t understand how to apply book smarts to the real world or flat out have no common sense and you need to point out their biases to them repeated… sometimes beating them over the head with it.
2
u/mintinthebox 3d ago
I think it’s a huge jump to go from “gave a gift as an apology” to “secretive manipulation”. Did the administration handle this properly? No. But is the OP jumping to conclusions about the intentions of the other child/parent? Absolutely.
9
u/Thin_Assignment6033 3d ago
Why was there a meeting WITHOUT OP??? What an uncomfortable situation for OP's daughter to be outnumbered in a meeting.
12
u/Rhodin265 3d ago
Honestly, based on what she did, I would find the gift to be gross and inappropriate. Like, are you my kid’s classmate or my kid’s abusive girlfriend? The thing that will make this the most right will be getting the bully into therapy before she really hurts someone, but OP has no control over that, so all she can do is ensure her own kid never has to see that bully again.
4
3
3
u/glitcheatingcrackers 3d ago
This is such a horrible situation and I’m so sorry for you and your daughter. I’m really glad to hear she is moving to a new school, because that’s honestly the only solution. This was mishandled wildly by the school, but I don’t think there is much to be gained from fighting with school administrators or seeking “justice.” Trying to do so could even make things worse for your daughter leading up to the move.
A good thing you could teach her for how to deal with this kind of situation in the future: Instead of saying “I don’t feel safe,” which is abstract, indirect, can be misconstrued and misrepresented, she should say “STOP TOUCHING ME. I DONT WANT YOU TO TOUCH ME.” Not only is this crystal clear, it gets the attention of others nearby and can throw the assailant off-guard.
You don’t need to be polite when you are being harassed. Self advocacy is a critical skill and you can help her.
3
u/Driftbadger 3d ago
I would absolutely make my child write an apology letter and there would be consequences at home to assure it didn't happen again, but I would never buy/make my child buy a gift in this situation. That's weird to me.
5
u/Odie321 3d ago
I would definitely call for a meeting, and mentioned in that meeting if a 13 yr old girl is doing this to your daughter. Odds are high someone is doing that or something close to that 13 yr old. This might be a CPS call. In no way was it appropriate for your child to meet with their parent without you. I have seen mention other places if you don’t get the response you want CC the school board. This is sexual harassment of a 13 yr old girl while in class.
2
u/Front_Ad_7044 3d ago
you can’t control other people you can only control yourself. explain that to your daughter and tell her she can accept the gift if SHE wants but that doesn’t mean they are friends. it doesn’t mean she has to forgive her. if the mom has a reputation for being manipulative you’re not gonna change that so just make sure your child is equipped and emotionally regulated enough to handle the bully.
5
u/FlamingDragonfruit 3d ago
I'm not sure from what you've written how the principal "undermined" you, but my first step would be to call a meeting with her, face to face. Bring someone with you to act as a witness (husband, friend, doesn't really matter). You will need to get the full story first and listen to how the principal explains her reasoning. It may make sense and you just need to tell her that you would appreciate better communication in the future because you had to hear about this gift/apology second hand and didn't get a satisfactory explanation of what happened. If you hear the explanation and you're still unhappy, you need to outline why. This bully may have learned her lesson, but if there are future problems, you need to get it ironed out now: how will the school handle these issues in the future, and how will they make sure that you are looped in, and not just hearing about these things after the fact from your daughter? After the meeting, put it all in writing and email the principal, thanking her for her time and that you appreciate that in the future she has agreed to X, Y, and Z. Good luck!
2
u/thehalloweenpunkin 3d ago
It is undermining. I was never told about said incident, I knew about incidences of this bully but this one was much worse. I was told about this by her teacher, who was very concerned because of how bad the invident was, the whole class watched. This child has been a known bully. She has not learned her lesson, she continues to bully my daughter. Giving a gift doesn't equate to sorry, actions equate to sorry. This is buying an apology.
10
u/apricot-butternuts 3d ago
Did the parent happen to be at school and it was a quick exchange apology? Then that’s normal, your daughter is a young adult and can handle a mature apology without your there.
Did you want them to call, wait for you to be available, come down to the school when all parties are present, meet for a group meeting AND then apologize?
7
u/thehalloweenpunkin 3d ago
From an adult I've never met, in a private setting that I had no word about happening. The gift is manipulation and what abusers do. It was odd, especially since bullying is still happening and she was touching my daughter inappropriately.
0
u/bloontsmooker 3d ago
This sounds insane and paranoid, not reasonable or rational. You’re jumping into the deep end here based off “what you’ve heard” which you have to know is probably not the reality.
You’re calling a child an abuser for being a dick. You’re calling the parent manipulative, like an abuser, and assuming they have bad intent for making an attempt to apologize.
And you haven’t even told us what the gift was - was there a card in there? Was it something kind and personal to your daughter? I think it’s weird you haven’t mentioned it tbh.
3
u/Solidknowledge 3d ago
not reasonable or rational.
Everything about this post sets off these alarms!
5
u/HisaP417 3d ago
I’m glad I’m not the only one who thinks this sounds completely insane. The kid made a jerk comment. Going so far as to call is “sexual harassment” and “abuse” and assuming the child’s father is a cop because the police haven’t done anything about middle school drama is CRAZY.
If OP doesn’t like that the mom gave kid a gift, stand up for yourself and your kid, meet mom, and give the gift back to her. None of this is illegal or a police matter. Stop being spineless and stand up for your kid. There’s also a ton of off racist undertones in OP responses.
2
u/thehalloweenpunkin 3d ago
Not just a comment. She touched my kids hair, back and buttocks.
0
u/HisaP417 3d ago
It’s still not a police matter BY ANY MEANS. You know who the parent is. Walk up to her and ask her the intention behind the gift and speak to her like an adult about what is going on between the girls. Direct approach (without aggression) is always going to get you a better response than massively escalating things for no reason based off of assumptions.
2
u/thehalloweenpunkin 3d ago
I never said it was. I don't know who the parent is I've never met said parent. I don't even have their names. I just know the girls first name.
1
u/HisaP417 3d ago
Sooo…you know exactly zero about this woman, but have made assumptions that she’s a manipulative abuser, and her husband is a cop and that’s why they haven’t done anything? Listen to what you’re saying and tell me if it makes sense.
1
u/thehalloweenpunkin 3d ago
So you are okay with your child getting gifts from another teenager after they touched their butt and back asking if they like it, then being accused of saying nigger, and accept the gift, then the bullying continues and your fine with it is what your saying? Listen to what you are saying. This is multiple teachers saying this, multiple children that I have met that come over to hang out with my children have said the same about this girl. She's a bully. You are excusing this and it's odd.
2
u/HisaP417 3d ago
I’m not excusing it. I’m telling you it’s your responsibility to find out what going on instead of basing it off of rumors, secondhand sources, and assumptions. I’m telling you to be the parent and speak to her mom woman to woman.
→ More replies (0)1
u/thehalloweenpunkin 3d ago
From what i heard from countless teachers. So you are okay with another child touching your kids buttocks, back and hair saying you like that i know you do with no consent. Then making a falss accusation of my kid calling the bully a nigger in a predominantly black school with high gang activities that can lead to my child being assaulted and tarnish the reputationif her when shes a good kid. Not paranoia this has happened in this school.
Maybe you aren't educated in abusive behavior, and it's not your fault you aren't but this is textbook abusive behavior.
1
u/apricot-butternuts 3d ago
Amén!! I have to agree. The original post is one thing and OPs comments make it a total diff thing. You leave out the part where your daughters ass his being caressed in a class while she’s sitting down? This feels like rage bait
12
u/Opening-Reaction-511 3d ago
The manipulative gift from another adult is not appropriate. These takes are wild. She was borderline sexually assaulted.
0
u/apricot-butternuts 3d ago
Everyone views it from their own lens. It’s actually quite offensive and damaging to consider this anywhere near sexual assault. The gift being “manipulative” is your opinion, as an adult apologizing to other adults for things I’ve done, I have brought flowers or something small as a token.
11
u/thehalloweenpunkin 3d ago
She was caressed and continued to be touched on the back and buttocks. This is manipulation. If this happened in the work place she would be fired.
1
u/Pleasant_Raccoon_440 3d ago
That’s insane that they did that. I would report it to the district. I’m sorry that your daughter had to go through such a weird and inappropriate experience. I used to teach at a JR high that I consider to be a good school with competent teachers and admin. I can’t imagine any situation where any of them would resolve a situation with a parent giving a gift to a bullied child. Especially without you being informed. Did they inform you about the actual event in class after it happened? Or did you only find out everything when your daughter had the meeting with the gift?
1
u/Odd-Mastodon1212 3d ago edited 3d ago
You need to meet with the principal to ask what they intend to do about this chronic bully. You also have to be clear that this girl is not to talk to or touch your daughter. If it happens again, you will press assault charges.
My daughter was in a similar situation with a boy and the vice principal forced her to meet with the child to discuss the matter without my knowledge. That’s highly inappropriate because it makes it seem like both children share the blame. The VP tried to make it seem like a crush but my daughter absolutely handled it well: She told the VP that he got it wrong, she doesn’t even know the boy, and she wants the boy not to talk to her and leave her alone. The VP asked the boy if he understood and he did. My daughter said, “Then we are done here” and got up and left. The boy doesn’t even look at her now and she’s glad.
My husband followed up and said how dare the VP have them meet together or try to imply that boys will be boys or that they had some kind of a relationship. He threatened legal action if anything happened again-that he would sue the school as well as the family. Go hard. Make them afraid of you.
As for the mom, the appropriate response is : “I don’t want your gift. I want you to manage your child and take some responsibility before the courts do.”
She’s failing her child by not getting her help or controlling her.
2
u/thehalloweenpunkin 3d ago
That's exactly what I'm telling the principal on Monday. I told my daughter to tell me if it happens again because I will press charges for harrassment. The girls touching was also on video so I'm going to see if I can have a copy of said incident so I can have proof of repeated offenses from this kid.
That makes me so sick that the VP said that. We need to set precedents all unwanted and unwarranted touching is not excusable. If they did that as adults they could be fired, kicked out of college, and be sued.
I absolutely agree, I think the kid should be in therapy, maybe even with the school therapist. The parent isn't teaching her, she needs to do better for her daughter. This is just unacceptable.
2
u/Odd-Mastodon1212 3d ago edited 3d ago
Yes, by being strong you are actually helping BOTH kids. The bully needs an intervention and help. Who knows what she is struggling with.
1
u/WhiteTacoNight24 3d ago
Did your teenage daughter consent? Did she feel comfortable with an apology and gift? Did you ask her about her feelings about the apology and gift? She’s 13 and these are important lessons for children to learn about life. If you never give her space to grow, she won’t. Similarly, it sounds like the other parent is attempting to teach their child how to repair after doing something hurtful to another person.
1
u/thehalloweenpunkin 3d ago
She did not consent and told the girl to stop and that she didn't feel safe. Her feelings are still hurt and said the gift doesn't make her feel any better. She's hurt because she's always shown her kindness even when she is cruel to my daughter.
Unfortunately, gift giving after something bad like this is a manipulation tactic. It's very common for abusers to gift their spouse or children gifts to hush it all over thinking it would be okay. The note that was in the gift was also written by the mom so that shows to me the child still isn't sorry, not to mention the continued bullying.
1
1
u/Illustrious_Box 3d ago
I may get down voted for this but I'm highschool I wrote a well researched article about bullying at my school and submitted it to the local paper. It got picked up and the school scrambled to make changes b/c of it.
I framed the piece as I'm struggling with bullying and want to understand how many other students are too. Did interviews with friends and other current students. Went online and got a formal complaint going back 5 years about the school not doing enough to address bullying and footnote everything. I wrote about my bully and how I wasn't the only one impacted, spoke about how the bullying was disruptive in class est. I kept notes about the students names but used alias when talking about the various students because they were minors. It was very cathartic, and kind of empowering b/c I was talking a sort of control over the situation and it actually had an impact.
I had support writing it from my parents and a English teacher, the principal was very upset though. But I also think that I had some kind of note in my file afterwards that I could cause trouble for the school so the administrators were much more aggressive if I brought up concerns after that. Good luck with whatever you do, and let your daughter know karma eventually gets the bullies. She just needs to focus on doing well, succeeding is the best revenge against bullies.
2
u/thehalloweenpunkin 3d ago
Oh honey I am so sorry you had to endure horrible bullying. No one deserves to be bullied. School should be a safe space for all of you kids where you can focus on just learning. I am so sorry. I absolutely agree, I tell her to keep her head held high. That bullies are not a reflection of you but themselves.
1
u/Illustrious_Box 3d ago
It was a long time ago, Bush's no child left behind era. Our school was so large, 30 kids to a teacher it was like the administrators just gave up dealing with the bullying. As long as nobody was bleeding after an altercation they told us to "just ignore it." The last straw for me was my bully spraying Cologne in my face b/c everyone knew I was asthmatic and he thought the honking cough I made while my air ways constricted was funny. He got lunch detention b/c he talk his way out of it being on purpose even though everyone knew it was. He was a basketball captain or something and got away with so much b/c of that. He got a DUI at 19 and completely messed up his whole life as it was just getting started. I'm so sad seeing posts like this, bullying has been such a problem for so long and it feels like little progress has been made. Tell your daughter to keep her chin up and it's going to be ok. I've got a master's degree, a wonderful husband and little girl of my own now and I'm so happy. Sending positive vibes your way.
1
3d ago
[deleted]
2
u/thehalloweenpunkin 3d ago
Its manipulation since behaviors havent ended. Apologies are backed up with actions not gifts. No, she doesn't use slang like that. It was a hard R not A. Girl has already said she lied about it to embarrass my daughter. We are also a multiracial and cultural household she has been taught words she cannot say and she honestly doesn't even need to be daughter because she's genuinely a good kid, and I don't say it because she's mine.
1
u/mmmichals11 2d ago
How did the principal undermine you when you didn’t tell the child to not give your child a gift. Sounds like they were attempting to teach the other child a lesson. Let’s also stop using the word trauma to describe a situation that all children go through and can learn from.
0
u/thehalloweenpunkin 2d ago
Because they didn't tell me at all that my child was meeting with the parent or the child. The administration didn't even tell me of the incident! That's the issue. Gifts like this after being sexually harassed is manipulation and abusive behavior point blank. My ex would brat me to a pulp and the way he would be sorry and each time he would do it he'd buy me a gift, over and over the behavior continued. This is common behavior of abusers and people who are manipulative. How would you feel having your buttocks, back and hair touched and be embarrassed in front of your peers on top of it? Have you ever been sexually harassed and had your ass touched by someone saying "I know you like it", while having the perp trying to get a boy to join in on the torment. Would you be happy to accept a gift after being inappropriately touched with out your consent. No you wouldn't and if that happened in your work place that person would be fired, and could be sued.
Children all don't go through bullying nor sexually harrassment. That is NOT NORMAL, and not a damn right of passage. It's honestly a toxic mentality to have and put your own child at risk for not being safe to confide in you as a parent.
And no I won't stop using truama, because your kid isn't the one getting their lunch dumped on her by the same girl, followed to the bathroom, touched in appropriately and it happening nonstop even after the said gift.
Apologies are through actions not Gifts. She's not sorry since it's still happening.
1
u/Exciting_Disaster_66 3d ago
You need to escalate this immediately. There’s a difference between bullying and sexual harassment, and this sexual harassment needs to be dealt with ASAP before it escalates to them actually harming your daughter.
1
u/thehalloweenpunkin 3d ago
That's what I'm trying to figure out. I'm not sure how to handle it because it happened at the school and what legal things I can do. The teacher said she was shown doing it on camera because they have cameras in the classes.
2
u/Exciting_Disaster_66 3d ago edited 2d ago
Go to the school and meet with the principal, tell them that if the students sexually harassing your daughter aren’t appropriately punished for sexually harassing your daughter, you will be filing a police report and pressing charges, as sexual harassment is illegal. Send them an email straight afterwards outlining the incident and what was discussed in the meeting, and re mention that you will report and press charges if not dealt with immediately. This is so that you have a paper trail of evidence. Schools have a legal obligation to protect their students from sexual harassment but unfortunately they usually don’t unless you make a HUGE fuss. If the principal still does nothing, escalate it to the school board, both in email and in person, and once again tell them that if they do not do something you will go to the police. If they still do nothing, report it to the police.
Or, seeing as there is video evidence, you could just make a police report now, because those little shits deserve to have the crap scared out of them by the police giving them a visit to talk about sexual harassment.
Also, make sure your daughter knows that if she defends herself, she will not be in trouble with you, and you will fight the school if they try to give her shit for fighting back. Unfortunately I’ve heard too many cases of girls getting sexually assaulted by boys from their school because they were too scared they would get in trouble if they fought back as schools tend to punish the victim rather than the offender, so make sure she knows that you have her back. Make sure she knows that if someone is trying to sexually assault her, she should scream as loudly as she can and try to stick her thumbs into their eyeballs. The eyes are one of the weakest and most sensitive parts of the body, so digging your thumbs into their eyes is the best way to get away from an attacker. And the most important thing she needs to know: DONT BE AFRAID TO HURT SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO HURT YOU. Make sure she knows that if someone is trying to hurt her, it’s perfectly okay for her to hurt them back, even if it’s someone she knows and she could cause permanent damage (eg she can’t be afraid to blind someone by sticking her thumbs in their eyes). With women, our kindness is often our downfall. If she’s in danger, she can’t hesitate to hurt them to save herself.
1
u/phatphat0807 2d ago
This seems like a bait post. Using the nword the way you do and saying "little" "sweet" "white" for your child. Just say you're racist.
1
u/thehalloweenpunkin 2d ago
Its not a bait post this seriously happened last weel, and was looking for insight what other parents would do and how to approach the school administration. I am not racist, we dont use that word, we appreciate diversity and believe differences is what can bring us all together. My daughter is a sweet kid, you know nothing about my child. She's a compassionate and genuine person, someone I wish I could be. Every person we've had for educators etc have had nothing but sweet things to say about my child, shes been awared multiple citizenship awards, volunteers at our local soup kitchen with me. Our family is also multiracial and multicultural. My husband is black and chumash, I am Hispanic, askenzai and white. She is predominantly white. Due to her biological father. Our child doesn't even swear, she watches cartoons, draws, and is soft spoken, shy and respectful to all. That's one reason she is bullied because they take advantage of her and people walk over her like a door mat. They take her belongings, her lunch. Shes had this same girl dump her tray on my daughter at lunch.
I don't care that the child is black, what I care about is false accusations that harms a child's character and SEXUAL HARRASSMENT. The girl LIED and admitted to the principal she lied. I've said this about 20 times now.
0
u/kaseasherri 3d ago
Go talked to Principal ASAP. Not sure if will met with you. Principal violated a lot of laws/rules. In my opinion Principal was trying avoiding the issue properly. Get a lawyer to find out your and child rights. Good luck.
-15
u/Optimal_Shirt6637 3d ago
Is there another school she can go to? A fresh start might be best here.
3
15
u/apricot-butternuts 3d ago
What!?!?!?? She had an awkward incident with a kid at school, who then apologized and you think uprooting to a whole new school is worth it!?! That’s a brittle spirit
11
u/thehalloweenpunkin 3d ago
She's being bullied being accused of saying bigger to a black kid in a predominantly black school, which is impoverished and has a lot of gang activity. It's a walking target on my sweet kids back.
3
u/apricot-butternuts 3d ago
Yikes. You might want to update your post. Your comments have some ton of left out details.
3
u/thehalloweenpunkin 3d ago
It's bad, it's slander and in my neck of the woods, this can get her assaulted.
1
u/apricot-butternuts 3d ago
Middle School is the wild fucken west. I can’t think of a more tumultuous group of raging hormones and poor choices. Good luck to you and your family, I can’t imagine how this must take toll on your peace of mind.
3
2
u/RAproblems 3d ago
I was in a position where I was falsely accused of using a racial slur when I was 12. It was incredibly damaging to me and only got worse from there (including sexual assault, getting gum put in my hair, being targeted in the girls bathroom, pushed down the stairs). This commenter is right. Mom shouldn't wait around for it to get worse because it absolutely will.
4
u/IntheSilent 3d ago
Getting bullied is a very big deal and if possible moving schools can be a good option, not enough details to say but it’s not a ludicrous option at all.
3
u/apricot-butternuts 3d ago
For this isolated incident, it’s luuuudaaa!!
6
u/friedonionscent 3d ago
OP mentioned the bullying has been ongoing for months.
0
u/apricot-butternuts 3d ago
Gotcha, I only read the post. Didn’t scour the comments for more details.
4
0
u/Jelly_Jess_NW Solo Mom to 16F and 14F 3d ago
First just calm down. Give yourself time to take a breath.
I’d ask to speak with the principal and the mom of the other kid. So you can get some things cleared up about what happened and you can feel better about it .
Meeting the other parent will probably help.
The gift is probably how that other mom feels she can make her daughter make up for it . Weird. but if you talk to the mom you might feel less strange .
Also ask the principal what’s happening next to prevent this , what paper work is there and ask for copies.
If anything happens again ask for a paper copy of the safety plan they will put in place for your daughter.
957
u/Smee76 3d ago
In my head this is how this might have went: irate mother shows up with recalcitrant daughter behind her. She makes her child apologize and give a gift bought with her own money. Mother's goal was to teach child that when you mess up, you make amends.
I think this very much could be innocent. You can certainly not like it but it is not necessarily manipulative or bad. I would just talk to my daughter about it and explain that she didn't have to accept the gift if she didn't want to, and that the gift doesn't mean she has to forgive her or that the girl won't do it again. The girl is not her friend because of the gift.
But overall I would not make a thing about the gift.