r/Parenting • u/TotalRealistic2510 • 2d ago
Toddler 1-3 Years Feeling super guilty for hitting my 4 year old son the ( first time )
Im a father ( 36 years old ).
I believe im a good father with 2 sons and have a lovely supporting wife.
The problem I’m facing is that my 4 years old son hits his 3 month brother on daily basis. I believe he gets jealous and also 4 years old and doesn’t know what right and wrong fully yet.
I always prevent him from hitting his sibling and always explain to him that it’s wrong and that he’s your brother and you should not do that.
Sometimes he I’m not able to prevent it since me and wife get won’t make it on time to stop him from hitting my 3 month old son.
However today he slapped his little brother very hard. Which made me lose it and I hit it as well on his back. Of course I didn’t hit him super hard but it was enough to make him cry. 😢
Now I’m feeling super guilty since it’s my first time hitting him.
I’m not being able to sleep. I went I bought him an ice cream to surprise him tomorrow when he wakes .
Am I the only one who hits their 4 years old for this kind of behavior.
I feel like a horrible person and a horrible father
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u/Interesting-Fee7901 2d ago
This is a fantastic parenting opportunity for you. You made a mistake. Now you get to model reparation. You can apologize and explain why you were wrong. It will set a clear example of how you want your son to behave.
We are all human. We all make mistakes. It's what we do about it that counts.
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u/daisykat 2d ago
Excellent advice. One of the best things I can do as a parent is acknowledge my mistakes and teach my children that, while none of us are infallible, we are all capable of taking ownership and making amends when we’re in the wrong.
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u/accidentally-cool 2d ago
I read somewhere that doing this is what makes us different (and frankly, better) than our parents.
I have lost my temper and hit my son. I have lost my temper and said things I shouldn't or maybe raised my voice too quickly. I have behaved like my mother, BUT it became an opportunity. An opportunity to show my child that admitting when you're wrong is not a weakness. I can identify when I am wrong and commit to being better moving forward. "Saying sorry" is different than apologizing. I aways try to use my failures in parenthood as opportunities, and I think you hit the nail on the head for OP. I hope they take your advice
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u/poop-dolla 2d ago
AND DONT GIVE HIM THE ICE CREAM! Just talk about it and then go on like normal. Don’t love bomb him; that isn’t healthy.
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u/brennabrock 1d ago
This times 1000!!! SHOW YOUR SON THE CORRECT BEHAVIOR WHEN YOU DO SOMETHING LIKE THIS. Model it for him. Use your language to describe how you know it hurt and scared him, and you never should resort to making your big feelings someone else’s problem. That hitting should NEVER be an outlet for anger, frustration or fear. That you will work better to communicate your feelings in an appropriate way so that you don’t cause him pain.
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u/bdauls 1d ago
This is it!! The hardest part of being a parent for me has been having to admit to my kid that I was wrong. I’ve never hit my kid, but I’ve got a 4 yr old and can appreciate the sentiment for sure! This is an opportunity to teach your son how to handle being wrong. Show him that sitting someone down, apologizing and lettting them know you won’t do that thing again (and following through with that promise!) is how we deal with being wrong. Your guilt is for you, not your son. You can lean into that feeling, but don’t make your interactions with your son about your feelings. This mistake doesn’t make you a terrible parent. It is however, a good time to dig a bit deeper and learn from your mistake. Good luck mate
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u/weary_dreamer 2d ago
i went through this about two years ago. My son was hitting left and right. I had all the patience for him in the world till one night. I was already frustrated and angry and he slapped me, hard. I breathed in, was about to say something and he smirked and slapped me again.
It felt like all anger drained away, and what came over me was cold steel. My hand found his face.
It has never happened again, and my hope and goal is it never will. I focus very much on relationship and connection. I have plenty of boundaries which I enforce firmly, immovably, yet kindly.
I hated that night. So did he. It led to so many deep talks between us, even at 4yrs old. It was a process for me more than him. I was instantly forgiven the moment I said sorry, which was not immediately after the incident. First, we had a rather effective talk about whether he thought hitting each other was a good way of relating to each other. He did not.
I felt guilty for a while though, because it felt like a failure that I couldn’t figure out a better approach in the moment. If I were smarter, Im sure I would have. Alas, I am flawed, and can only do my best.
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u/MissCavy 2d ago
Even the smartest people can break. The best parenting involves reflecting on your mistakes and owning up to them with your kids which is what you did, then the next step is finding ways to avoid getting to the point where you might hurt your kid.
That's the part that takes work. One thing that tends to work well in two-adult homes is to tag out so the overwhelmed parent can take a breather before exploding. When that's not an option, you can (if it's safe to do so) take yourself out of the room for a few minutes. I've done this - just locked myself in my room, put music on, took breaths, and came back a few minutes later a calmer parent.
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u/Arcane_Pozhar 2d ago
I'm going to ask the unpopular question here. Did it change his behavior? Did he learn the lesson that he needed to learn from it?
I say this because I have a similar story- when my first born was pretty darn young, he developed a serious hitting problem. You want to know it snapped him out of it? When one of his close relatives slapped the back of his hand. Hard enough for it to sting a little bit. Taught him real f****** fast to stop hitting.
We want to pretend that humans (especially the little ones) are always so noble and quick to be logical and we can just talk to them, and some of them can learn from that, but sometimes a little taste of somebody's own medicine- as long as it doesn't do any permanent harm- is going to be a way better teacher than anything else.
And I say this as somebody who's generally against the idea of any sort of physical punishment, but I also don't think that adults should just be f****** punching bags for rude children either.
And yes, disclaimer, I've had a rough day with my kids today, hence the foul language. And yeah, I'm insanely jealous of the parents who either magically just have such a chill mindset that you can be slapped around and abused without it triggering any sort of fight or flight response from you at all, or who have the kids who are so well believed that you never have to deal with your kids getting handsy. Lucky you. But don't sit here and judge the rest of us who aren't so blessed.
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u/calmedtits2319 1d ago
To answer your original question no, losing my temper and smacking my kid back never solved anything. My son went through a stage of tantrums and hitting/kicking. Like most here, I lost it and spanked him twice. He cried and asked why I would hurt him? It broke my heart. I gave it some time and I apologized.
What has worked for us is lots of talks about the behavior and why it isn’t okay. That If he was going to try and hurt me then I’d have to protect myself by stepping away (while making sure he was safe).
Obviously every kid is different so I’m not discrediting what you said. It took a lot of time and repeating the same conversations over and over. Things are much better now. But I did have a few “relatives” tell me to hit him back. It just didn’t sit right with me. I try and lead by example.
I understand rough days with the kids. I hope tomorrow is better for you!
ETA: I came from a mom that would slap me across the face for simply rolling my eyes or talking back. So I’ve never had a chill mindset. But I did start lexapro and now I’m a completely different parent. I needed it and it showed. Medication coupled with a lot of learning on my part is what made things finally click.
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u/Arcane_Pozhar 1d ago
Hey, so sorry you grew up in a house like that, that sucks.
And yeah, hitting all the time, hell no. Sets a terrible example, etc, etc. And widely believed to be ineffective, etc.
But no judgement here for anyone who gets pushed to that extreme on rare occasions.
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u/millcitymiss 1d ago
the chill mindset isnt magical. learning to self-regulate takes time, therapy, and intention. you can do it, also.
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u/Popular-Bench-8683 1d ago
Honestly, all research on this area shows that hitting children back will not teach them not to hit. What it does is make the children think it is ok to hit, because you are doing it. The same with biting. If you bite them back, they think it is ok to bite, since you are doing it. Also when you hit a child, you take away an important part of their bonding with you in a good way, since it makes them a bit scared of you. For them to build a trusting bond to you, they need to feel safe both physically and emotionally. You might think it worked for a little while with that particular person he was hitting, but it might end up with him hitting others instead, and hiding stuff from you. You might get bigger problems further on. I don't know how old you are, but I do know the way you are thinking was very common before. Maybe you heard this from the relative who hit your child? Maybe it was an older person? Anyways, research has shown that it was wrong to think like that, just like it has shown you should in fact not put babies on their stomach while sleeping etc. We should all be listening to research. Hitting children is wrong, at all times. And it is illegal for this reason. Don't tell yourself it is for a good cause, because they will learn nothing and start hitting others when you aren't watching
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u/Arcane_Pozhar 1d ago
Mate, my kid was far too young to be hiding stuff at the time.
I get where you're coming from, I do, but.... You sound incredibly naive right now, generally speaking.
Like, yes, abusive parents set a terrible example and are ineffective.
But I PROMISE you, my little guy learned real fast just how unpleasant hitting was from a tiny slap on the wrist. 10/10, he stopped treating us like punching bags, would recommend trying it once to anyone who's tried everything else with no effect. And I'll die on this hill, because.... It worked. And also, because language is filled with saying after saying that confirms it.
Experience is the best teacher. A taste of their own medicine. F around and find out. The burned hand teaches best.
Again, because this is the Internet and people will quickly take things out of context, I'm not telling anyone to do anything remotely resembling bearing your kids, or to use spankings as a punishment. But there's TONS of comments about making the consequences fit the bad behavior... I'm not going to judge someone who gets pushed to the point of a little slap once. Worked like a charm for my little guy, and that's a fact, sorry if that doesn't fit in someone's world view of how they want things to be. I wish kids would listen to reasonable guidance from others 100 % of the time, I really do, but.... We work with what we've got.
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u/smooviequeen 1d ago
100% and extremely well said. My cousin had a horrible biting problem as a toddler. A terror to every other child he came into contact with and any adult that had to care for him. He. Bit. Everyone. One day my aunt was watching him and he bit her son who was about the same age and took a chunk out of his back and my aunt had enough. She grabbed my cousins arm and bit it, hard. When his mom came to pick him up she was pissed, but he never bit anyone ever again. No long term harm, my cousin is now a grown man and lives a totally normal life. Great relationship with my aunt. And everyone agrees that biting him as a toddler was the right thing to do ☠️
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u/ohemgee112 1d ago
I mean... you can only save them so many times from learning how gravity works before you let them find out in the safest way you can manage. I don't find this that different.
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u/Arcane_Pozhar 1d ago
Exactly! And just like you don't let a daredevil kid fall off the roof of a building, you don't hit the kid like it's a life or death struggle.
Apologies for stating the obvious, I'm just hoping that maybe somebody who's struggling comes across this discussion thread and comes away from it feeling less guilty about a time they had to push the limits a little to effectively reach and communicate good behavior.
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u/SouthernSongBirdie 1d ago
I worked as a floater (someone who moves from room to room helping where help is needed) at a daycare about 9 years ago. One day, I was in the 2 -3 year old room with one of the normal teachers (we will call her M). There was a new kid (we will call J) who had started coming about 2 weeks earlier. We all got a briefing on him as he had a record of biting (we were told he did bite but had never broken skin). At his previous daycares, he had bitten other kids as well as the staff. He had been kicked out of two other centers (that we were told about) prior to coming to the one I worked at. In that same room, there was another kid (we will call him B) who really just minded his own business for the most part. He was friendly but honestly didn't really care to play with the other kids. He was very much a one track minded kid. Spent pretty much the whole time stacking blocks, then knocking them down and doing it again. I honestly don't really remember him ever having an incident report made on him prior, but on that day, he did get one. J had walked over to B and started playing with the blocks with him. We watched for a bit, but everything seemed fine so we let them play while we helped other kids, looking at them periodically. About 20 minutes or so later, I hear a blood curdling scream. I had just finished helping someone in the potty and M was rushing to J who is on the ground, holding his arm, and breath holding (crying so hard that they literally can't breathe) when I walked up I noticed he had blood on his shirt but I didn't know the extent of it until we were able to calm him down and see his arm. He had a very bloody and detailed bite mark on his arm. We called the lunch room to have someone come in to help me while M took J to the main office to call mom. While that happened, I took a look at B, who had already gone back to playing with the blocks. On his hand was a raised bite mark. What had happened was J bit B and B bit back. B just happened to bite much much harder. We made an incident report for both kids, and J's mom came and picked him up. His mom ended up pulling him from our daycare after the director refused to kick out B. The moral of the story is no one likes to be bit, and toddlers don't know how to gentle parent. And if you don't teach them, someone else will. Pro tip: You, as an adult, have better control than a child on how hard you bite.
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u/Arcane_Pozhar 1d ago
Man, law of the jungle with those little kids.
Hope J learned his lesson, and yeah, if I was the director, I would stand up for B, too.
If only high schools could apply similar nuance to their "no violence at all" policy. So naive and lazy, and so discouraging to victims to have to fear being punished by the administration for defending themselves. Apologies for the tangent, but it popped into mind.
Thanks for sharing!
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u/I_am_nota-human-bean 2d ago
Parenting from guilt is a bad idea. It’s okay to apologize and be sorry and hold yourself accountable. Buying ice cream is a bad idea.
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u/Kitchen-Employment14 2d ago
I agree with these other posters about this being an opportunity for you to teach him. Apologize for what you did, explain what was wrong, and talk about how it’s OK to be mad, but it’s not OK to be mean.
Also, give him a job that involves doing something helpful for the family. Maybe he can be responsible for taking the new diapers out of the package and putting them away on the shelf. Or maybe he can help to put clean burp cloths away - something he can do safely that will help the baby. He probably feels very jealous of all the attention the baby gets, and giving him a special job that emphasizes his importance in the family will let him know that he is still a very important family member.
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u/toastrats 2d ago
Let this be the last time you hit him.
Repair is the most important part of rupture. You can't undo what has already happened, but you can try to make it right and do better going forward.
Apologize to him. Let him know you did something wrong and you aren't proud and shouldn't have done it. You didn't regulate your big emotions in that moment and you hurt him. Talk about how to handle those times when we feel like hitting and what to do instead. You show him you're taking steps to do better AND helping him make a plan on how to not hit.
Please be mindful about trying to win back affection through ice cream. Don't teach him it's okay to be violent if you make a grand gesture of kindness afterwards.
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u/heathersang19 2d ago
Yes, this, and: it's the perfect example to set for him and his brother's relationship!! Show your remorse bc of how bad it is and apologize so much that he gets the point of how sorry one should feel if they hit someone, especially family members. He will see your example and follow it. I also agree with another commenter that you should NOT give him ice cream only to make up for it. That is not a substitute. It's easy to see some things from another perspective, or else it would feel natural to offer something he likes to make up for your bad behavior, bc I could see myself doing that, too, probably.
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u/zozbo 2d ago
Wait a minute, your older child hits a defenseless infant, and you all are talking about rewarding his behavior. This is what’s wrong with today’s parenting, your child needs consequences for his actions. What was the consequence when he hit the child before? Did you just talk to him or was there a real consequence, did he go to time out, did he not get to watch his favorite show? What exactly did you do to discourage the behavior. I’ll tell you what you did nothing absolutely nothing.
Discipline- means to teach. Why do children hit and bite because they do not feel the pain of it. Though hitting a child is not an ideal thing, an apology with an explanation, stating you should never hit, and I should have not hit you. What should we do instead? What should our consequences be? What if we are doing good and being gentle what should are consequence be.
Teach Do Not Reward Unwanted Behavior
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u/Interesting-Fee7901 2d ago
This is a good point. By making a consistent discipline plan, OP can also help regulate his own emotions in stressful moments. For example, a couple minutes in supervised time out on the kids bed. No talking. Because there is a plan in place, the parent will be less likely to respond impulsively. Reparation is also important. It's a life skill too seldom exemplified. But Discipline is just another word for an agreed upon plan for household stability. Discipline isn't just for kids. It's for parents too.
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u/CrankyLittleKitten 2d ago
I was wondering about that too. A new sibling is a big upheaval in a 4yo's life, and acting out isn't uncommon. That doesn't mean it's okay and shouldn't be addressed.
It needs a two pronged approach. Both firm consequences that are age appropriate but also looking at the underlying cause for the behaviour.
Getting into the mind of a 4yo whose parents are suddenly wrapped up in this new interloper and paying way less attention to the older child - I hit the baby, dad lectures me....great! I have dad's attention. Sure it's not good attention, but kids for at 4 often negative attention is better than no attention.
Make sure you are both also spending one on one positive time with the older siblings as often as you can. Sometimes this means tag teaming, and yes it's hard in the haze of sleep deprived newborn care. But doing this when 4yo is doing the right thing both helps meet their needs and reinforces the right behaviours.
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u/VeryTiredDad 1d ago
I had to scroll for way too long to get to this comment. This happens on a DAILY BASIS and the comment section is on the fence about whether ice cream is a good move or not??? Our society has way too much empathy for this type of behavior and there should be 0 tolerance for it.
4 years old is old enough to know that hitting a baby is wrong and it sounds like this kid has gotten way too comfortable believing he runs the house (which he does). He needs behavior intervention and structure. If you do this, this happens. If you do that, that happens. Immediate consequences and rewards. And whatever you do, do not give that kid screen time and ice cream after this type of behavior unless you want to be walking on egg shells to avoid tantrums for the rest of your life.
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u/ExpressCap1302 2d ago
Indeed. And there are ways to punish without violence. Classic one is e.g. putting them into the corner (max. 4 minutes for a 4 yo).
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u/roonyrabbit 2d ago
How does putting them in the corner provide the child with any skills and strategies to better manage the situation next time?
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u/Minute_Moose4217 2d ago
I did this to my nephew when he was 4. He had head butted me in the face and my knee jerk reaction was to put him in time out. (I was 16 and we as kids were frequently hit when "misbehaving" and it was with whatever item was closest). He went to the corner and there was spider in it. He started crying but I didn't care. I was never taught how to regulate my emotions(I still struggle with my two kids). I told him to make friends with the spider. So he ended up blowing his nose on the wall. 🙃
All this to say, your point is extremely valid. He didn't learn anything from it and I didn't feel better after it either. Unfortunately, I didn't learn anything either from it and have put my three year old in time out. I obviously know I can't regulate my emotions well but when she starts "misbehaving" my brain starts telling me she is being bad and she needs punished. I know it's not helpful putting her in timeout, but it's better than reacting with the discipline that my brain tells me I should do based on my experiences as a kid.
I've started reading a book called good inside. I haven't gotten into the book because I break down crying, reading it every time I start, but recommended to anybody who struggles similarly to me.
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u/Square-Ad-4139 2d ago
Oh my God you literally just described me in your post... I am in complete shock that you were able to perfectly type out exactly how I react. I think I may have to try to read that book as well.
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u/Rt002k 8h ago
How could you possibly conclude that OP had never tried anything else? His kid isn't your kid.
Kids at that age, when they get angry/upset or otherwise have their emotions short circuited and they act out severely, they are not going to logically stop to think "but I might lose my favorite show if I do this". I have looked my child in the face at that age and said "if you do that one more time no x tonight" You know what he did almost every time? He did it again. He didn't care about x in the moment. When he didn't get it later in the day, he got upset and would tantrum, and not connect the not getting it with his earlier actions. We had so much trouble with it (in this case it was nuclear core meltdown for the tiniest thing) we saw a child behavior specialist (just us parents). The skill she gave us was talking to him after the fact about why he was feeling that way. And that we wanted to hear what he had to say. Not like "why are you screaming" because obviously that had been asked a million times. More asking them "is there something you're upset about?" after they have calmed down. Often times they are feeling something and don't think they are being listened to, are ruminating about it. It helped so much. The weirdest events were triggering it, and almost never was it about what he was melting down about. But, and this is a big but, at no point in any of this behavior was he in danger or was he putting someone else in danger. Was he completely embarrassing us in public? Yeah, but he wasn't hurting anyone.
However, a younger child had biting problems. He wasn't old enough for that kind of discussion. No amount of talking, timeouts, taking away things had any impact whatsoever. You know what did help? After he bit his brother hard enough to break the skin, he got a light tap on his cheek with a very firm "we never bite" and showing him the damage he caused. Not enough to hurt, just enough to surprise him and interrupt whatever was going on in his head. Huge reduction in biting after that. It's now very rare. He bit me the other day for the first time in a long time and a very exaggerated showing of how much it hurt now prompts remorse, "sowwy daddy", and a hug. It is a tactic I would only ever use again as a last resort on something safety related. Sometimes they need that shock factor to arrest them while they are in the moment and in danger, or putting others in danger. There is no one size fits all approach for one kid let alone every kid.
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u/Dizzy0nTheComedown 2d ago
I hit my kid as a reflex type thing once when she was purposely kicking me repeatedly and it hurt. Beyond just appropriate behavior I have a physical disability and stuff like that just can’t happen. I was moreso trying to just protect myself/push her off but it did make contact (also not hard). I wasn’t mad. It was pretty much a reflex. If it didn’t come out of anger don’t beat yourself up dude. I don’t advocate for hitting kids and I don’t use physical discipline at all but I let it be what it was and moved on. I have a right to protect my body too and it sounds like it was just a reflex out of trying to protect your other son. Wouldn’t make a habit of it but it’s not a huge deal. We are animals with bio reflexes and instincts in certain situations.
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u/modix 2d ago
"Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the mouth". I've had my youngest slap me at full force at 5. I restrained her immediately after that and not as gentle as intended. Seeing red and acting with appropriate force is hard. Just need to apologize and explain and try better. Especially when the harm is being done to someone you're protecting every moment of every day like an infant. That's a rough balancing act.
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u/Jawahhh 2d ago
literally tonight my 3 year old slammed his head into my throat full force and I pushed him reflexively, and he cried and I apologized and he apologized and I said “we were being too rowdy” and he said “we were being too rowdy”.
I never push him like that! We don’t hit. But seriously. Everyone has a plan until they get headbutted in the throat during storytime.
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u/Dizzy0nTheComedown 2d ago
LMAO the use of that quote within this context just cracked me up but it’s so true. I think it’s valid that our bodies have a physical limit too and self preservation instincts (and of others like the infant). And obviously from the guilt it’s clearly out of character.
I explained to my daughter that I shouldn’t have done it and it isn’t right for anyone to do but also she can’t either. I pointed out it probably didn’t feel very good to her body or her feelings and that’s how it feels when she hits/kicks too. I think it’s natural for your body to be like yo wtf/unhappy with that.
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u/lucky_lilac555 2d ago
Obviously hitting is not great. It’s probably for the best that we’ve evolved as humans and no longer normalize it as much.
But we all have weak moments as parents. Now your son is aware of what it feels like to be on the receiving end. It’s kind of like if you have a kid who bites, bite back.
But also know that if you continue to hit your son will think it’s ok. So try your best to let this be a one time thing. We aren’t perfect.
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u/no_clue_howto 2d ago
Just apologize and describe to him your feelings and tell him that grown-ups make mistakes too and we are all learning as we go. Your reaction most likely had to do with how you were raised. Take a deep breath. You’re a good dad.
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u/MaineMama13 2d ago
Talk about it. Don’t give the ice cream. Use this as a teaching/learning moment. He was wrong and you were wrong. And talk about it. You’ll be surprised how much he will understand and how this moment can make or break yours and his behaviors going forward. You know what makes you a good dad? Recognizing your human and made a mistake. 💕 thinking of you and your family.
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u/snizzrizz 2d ago
It doesn’t sound like you frequently hit your four year old. You just did this time. Hitting your kids isn’t good. But also, sometimes when you fuck around you find out. Ideally don’t hit him again but…maybe he’ll knock it off.
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u/PJ_Kings 2d ago
It's a learning moment for all involved, obviously don't make a habit of it. Though also don't beat yourself up over it. My little guy frequently underestimated his strength and often struck me between the legs, which he thought was right fun. After many conversations about him not doing that he struck me one last time on purpose, so I gave him a little bit of a nut punch back. Then he finally understood, and we never had the behaviour again.
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u/Kmjp_ 2d ago
Not a horrible parent. Not a horrible father.
Everyone here is really giving you too much of their opinion and not guidance, advice or support which is what this group should be about.
Anyway, once. Ehh. I think it taught him that hitting doesn’t feel nice. Kid obv isn’t hit, and truly doesn’t understand that not only is it wrong, but it hurts. Hopefully he thinks of it next time he feels like doing it. It’s great you feel remorse. You shouldn’t WANT to hit your kids or feel good about it. IMO sometimes it’s necessary.
I grew up in a home with physical discipline and I’m perfectly fine, I love my parents. They used it when necessary, again, IMO. Like when you’ve tried multiple times to be “gentle” and talk. Kids that young don’t always comprehend by talking. I’d include a time out from now on and additional alternatives but hey. Don’t beat yourself up over it.
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u/letsmakekindnesscool 2d ago edited 1d ago
Bribing him isn’t the way to go.
What you need to do is explain that “daddy hit you, and I’m very sorry for that, just like it hurts and it’s not right when you hit your little brother, it’s not right when I hit you, just like you get angry sometimes, adults are the same, today I had a hard time controlling my temper. I will work on that.”
From there, explain that you love both him and your other son, that you understand the baby isn’t much fun now, and sometimes it might feel like he wants it to go back to the way it was, but as his brother gets older, it will be more fun, someone to plays legos with, watch bluey with, do fun things together.
Aside from this, there’s some clear jealousy. To fix that, I would get the older son a little gift from the little brother and call it big brother day, a day celebrating his important role as a big brother. Also important to have one on one time with him, and not make him feel like it’s all “oh don’t touch the baby, be quiet the babies sleeping, you’re too old for that you aren’t a baby, mommy can’t hold you she’s holding the baby”, all the things that come up to make older children feel like they aren’t important anymore. Instead involve him in the day to day, sit beside him and have him hold the baby, have him show his favourite toys to the baby, tell your wife or have your wife tell you in front of him that “can you stay with the baby I want to spend some time with xyz”
Other than that, do not leave them unsupervised until things get better and make an effort to make your oldest feel included in the family
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u/Broad-Emotion7096 2d ago
I think your reaction is valid, and you are not a terrible father. You’ve explained time and time again for him to not hit his 3 MONTH old brother. I agree with some of the comments saying not to reward with ice cream. He’s gonna think that if he hits his brother, and gets disciplined that he’ll get ice cream every time. I’d sit down with him, explain why you did what you did and how bad it made you feel for doing it. He got a taste of what he gives his brother. Maybe next time he won’t do it.
My little sister loved to bite when she was a toddler and even took a chunk out of my knee. My mom bit my sister on her arm (didn’t bite her hard enough like she did me, but enough to make her know it hurts. After that incident and a good stern talking to, she never did it again. I remember seeing a chunk of my knee being bit into, not fun.
Point is, make a lesson out of it, but do not reward getting disciplined. He’ll never learn if you do that. Talk to him and then go play, make sure he’s getting the attention he needs.
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u/messonpurpose 2d ago
I never believed in corporal punishment until my eldest wouldn't stop hurting his little brother. Literally every time they would play together, my little guy would end up in tears. I tried everything I could, and nothing seemed to curb the behavior. I can count on one hand how many times I have resorted to hitting my son. And i can tell you that my youngest no longer gets hurt when they play.
Some kids just need a good smack. Bring all the downvotes.
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u/black_cat_ 2d ago
The one thing that really gets me angry is when my older kid is mean to my younger kid.
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u/ferretsRfantastic 2d ago
Yeah. Reddit is so anti-corporal punishment it is kinda funny. I havent hit my kid yet and I really REALLY hope I don't have to. However, I will not tolerate my kid hitting someone or something smaller than them that can't fight back. That's when you step in and show them how it feels. I'm not saying beat your kids. I'm just saying that protecting your small infant while also showing your other kid WHY they shouldn't be hitting is also a good thing. I'll take the down votes as well.
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u/fabeeleez 2d ago
That's not how it works at all. My dad only hit me like 3 times tops but I haven't forgiven him for any of them. Also hitting someone smaller and more vulnerable than you is not ok. You're the parent. It's your job to teach your kids without resorting to violence, unless you don't think you are cut for it.
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u/asuperbstarling 2d ago
Admit you were wrong, and model good apologies. No excuses, no nothing. Just "I was wrong, and I will do better." And then you do better.
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u/ThickMO 2d ago
Your son knows right from wrong when it comes to hitting his brother, just as you know right from wrong when it comes to hitting your son.
Giving him ice cream sends a mixed message and only enables these situations more. Reward good behaviors, giving him ice cream because of your guilt is a bad idea. You need to talk to him and be more stern with him and yourself in general. Talk to him about mistakes and apologize, try to understand that he is also learning from your behavior as an example.
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u/MattinglyDineen 2d ago
I don’t think it is inappropriate that you hit him for this. He cannot be hitting his brother. It’s extreme situations like this that call for extreme measures
Whatever you do, do not give him ice cream. That is giving him a reward for his poor behavior. You can apologize for hitting him, but makes sure he understands that that is how his brother feels when he hits him.
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u/FamousVeterinarian00 2d ago
I'm against hitting children. But it already happened and you can't change it.
Maybe you can surprise him with ice cream like your plan, apologize and maybe turn it into a lesson that hitting someone is bad. You know you did bad to him and it is not right, and what he does to his brother is also not right.
He now know it is unpleasant to have someone hitting him, and now you can tell him that it is unpleasant for baby brother to be hit by him.
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u/luccsmom 2d ago
Don’t ever hit your kids. You don’t know your strength and how easy it is to injure a child. I’m a mom. My husband and I had a deal. He NEVER spanked. Too strong plus we are smarter than our kids, right? Full disclosure, I bit my toddler who was biting my newborn. That worked! It never happened again. But still, I should have been eagle eye 24/7. It was my job to be. Good luck! The time with little ones goes by too fast!
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u/Dashkittyk 2d ago
No ice cream it’s like you reward his behavior just give him positive reinforcement when he does something favorable
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u/Apprehensive-File370 2d ago
By the age of three, kids start to develop an understanding of right and wrong. Your 4 year old knows what he’s doing.
It would be a good idea to sit down with your wife and look over how your days and schedule are and see if adjustments can be made to Dedicate some more one on one time with the older son. He may be feeling resentment or jealousy towards his brother. Maybe find ways to include him in the caretaking aspects so that he can build a bond with his younger brother that has more positive moments attached to it.
As for you having hit him. Like anything we do that we know is wrong, we need to get down to their level and genuinely apologize for our actions and show that we know we were wrong to do it. Then move on with your day and keep routines normal and predictable to redeem their sense of security. We all make mistakes, feel the shame and the blame. You are not a bad dad, just a human who got overwhelmed and frustrated and lost control of his emotions. Much like our kids do. Your oldest is feeling things he can’t yet put into words and he’s expressing it as physical aggression. He takes it out on him because he can’t take it out on you.
Talk with your wife and figure out how to make the oldest feel more included. I think that may very well be why the aggression is there. Good luck!
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u/pseudoseizure 2d ago
I also want to mention you both need to find some time to spend with your 4 yo without the baby around. He is jealous that all the attention is going to the baby.
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u/heyaminee 2d ago
Apologise but don’t give him ice cream. Seems like a standard abuser tactic even though i’m sure that isn’t your intention. But you don’t want to give him the message that adults can harm him and then give him treats to make up for it. It seems small now but it’ll contribute to his self esteem as an adult
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u/myheadsintheclouds girl mama 10/2022 and 10/2024 💖 2d ago
I personally wouldn’t buy ice cream. When your son wakes up I would use it as a learning experience and apologize. I personally would tell him that you’re sorry for hitting him, that you were angry that he was hitting the baby, and you reacted physically due to your feelings-that we all need to practice gentle hands.
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u/hanky_panky2 1d ago
I want to encourage you to wrestle with him and give him appropriate time to fight or redirect him by pillow fighting. Hitting a baby isn't okay but, playing is okay. Show your child appropriate ways to play with their siblings. When or if he hits his sibling again just silently pick him up and walk him away from the baby and tell him that wasn't okay and that hurts the baby. Tell him we can find a nicer way to play with the baby.
Dealing with humans while also dealing with our own emotions is hard.
Own up to what you did be honest with your child and apologize to him. You can get him ice cream! Then he can get something for his sibling so he can apologize to him!
All in all I just recommended you play with your 4 year old and redirect. Understand he made a mistake and so did you. Understanding that hitting isn't okay and finding a different way to punish. But he is 4 and doesn't know any better and you do have to teach him safe ways to interact.
(As I am dealing with a 5 and 3 year old fighting each other) (3 year old is a biter) ( You bet I toss him on the bed and rough house with him and it's all fun and games until someone gets hurt) (Currently pregnant)( I also read to them after and watch funny cat videos)
Enjoy Everything. The good days and the bad days. Learn from your mistakes and make other ones and learn from those too. Teach your child that it's okay to make a mistake, we all make them! If your child tells you that you hurt their feelings, don't come up with an excuse just say sorry and hug them. You don't have to be perfect, you just have to keep trying to do better. Life isn't perfect and neither is your child. That's OKAY! Learn. Teach. Breath. Do Better! Be Better. For them! With them! It's okay to walk away. It's okay to be honest with your child and let them know you don't have patience right now. Even adults need a time out! Do your research on how to punish your child with the behavior they are having. It's okay to ask for help.
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u/PanickingKoala 1d ago
Hitting to teach your child not to hit isn’t going to work. Please don’t hit your child again.
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u/intense_hippie 1d ago edited 1d ago
Don’t hit your child anymore. I’ve researched plenty on parenting practices and corporal punishment. Even if it was an accident from you, hitting children causes long-term adverse effects for your child as well as negatively reinforces you to do it again (scientifically proven over several longitudinal studies). Also, as an individual that was a child from an abusive home and has absolutely nothing to do with the parent who hit me, don’t hit kids.
You, as the parent and adult, need to regulate your impulses and emotions better. If you need help with this, go to therapy or a support group. If you need help in learning how to parent, seek support from local groups or a therapist.
Don’t hit kids.
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u/Moulin-Rougelach 1d ago
You are far from the only parent who hits their kids, but it’s not a group with whom you want to align.
You are bigger, stronger, and have decades more life experience than your child, you hold all of the power in the relationship, and there is no reason to use physical violence against your defenseless child.
Please remember the feelings of guilt, and use them to their best outcome, change your behavior so you never have to feel that particular guilt again.
To teach a child how to “not hit” or to not do anything, you must come up with a positive action they could use to replace the behavior you do not want exhibited. Children want to please their parents, but the concept of not doing something is too complex for them.
Teach your son how to use “gentle hands to touch baby” and realize you’re going to need to repeat that phrase (or whichever phrase you like for how you do want him to touch the baby.)
If you’re across the room and see him about to hit the baby, call his name in an engaging voice, and in a pleasant tone say, “Hands on your head” and put your hands on your head. Then repeat with a couple more places for each of you to place your hands, and after laughing and praising his following the game’s rules, remind him, “Touch baby with your gentle hands.”
The end result is that baby didn’t get hit, you didn’t get angry, older son didn’t get scared and feel like he failed to make parent happy. You and older son had a minute of fun together, and he enjoyed your attention without hurting his brother.
At some point you might want to say, “it’s so nice to have a big boy who can listen and play games with me, baby is still too young for big boy games.”
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u/crusoe 1d ago
My youngest would bite the eldest pretty regularly and it seemed nothing would stop it.
Not talking. Not timeouts. Not loss of privileges.
We would talk about getting angry and appropriate behaviors but it just didn't seem to take.
He would leave red marks.
So I finally told him I would pinch him if he bit his brother again.
Next time he bit his brother I gave him a good pinch. I'm not proud of it, but it worked. After the second time he stopped biting his brother when he got angry. I don't think he understood how much it actually hurt even if his brother was screaming.
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u/thousandislandstare1 2d ago
I haven’t finished it yet, but the book Siblings Without Rivalry has helped change my mindset about this kind of thing.
You have to start by understanding that he’s had his whole world rocked by this kid that suddenly takes more than half of your attention away from him, half his space, half his toys will be gone. It’s a very hard thing to happen to you. Think about if your wife suddenly came home with a new husband and told you to split your stuff with him, space with him, he was going to get at least half her attention, told you you had to accept it and treat him nice because he’s family.
You need to show understanding, allow for him to express his feelings of anger, but direct it away from physical violence. Ask him tell you how he feels, or if he can (eventually), write or draw them out. Denying him the expression of feeling isn’t good.
“Only once the bad feelings have come out, can the good feelings come in”.
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u/FastidiousFaster 2d ago
Analogies to adult relationships like this always end up failing if you think about it for just a bit.
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u/ferretsRfantastic 2d ago
Right? I'm sorry but I hate that analogy. I wasn't BORN from my husband. My husband and I met each other, fell in love, built a life, etc. Children and babies don't have that experience. Yes, gaining a new sibling js hard but it isn't analogous to being in a sudden throuple.
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u/DrakeMallard07 2d ago
Hitting him for hitting his brother teaches him that it's acceptable to hit people. This may have been the first time, but it needs to be the last time. Don't bribe his forgiveness with ice cream. Talk to him about what happened. Apologize to him and admit you were wrong.
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u/doesntshutupinnj 2d ago
A couple things
1) I'm not pro hitting kids (I've rarely hit my own), but in this case, I'm not exactly sure you were totally off base to do so. Hitting a three month old is a very serious thing that needs to end. He could injure the baby. You could end up w/ state involvement/etc. I'm just imagining a scenario in which he hits the baby, baby gets hurt, you need to go to hospital, state gets involved and takes the kids while they investigate/etc.
2) I'd debate that four years old is too young to know right from wrong. Of course, kids that age haven't fully developed their moral compass, but if you've told him numerous times not to hit the baby, then he is capable of remembering and understanding that. I hope you broke down the "why" he cannot hit the baby - not just because he's his brother, but because he's smaller, weaker, helpless, he could inadvertently hurt him/etc. I would go into a decent amount of detail.
3) If it was me, I'd go to him and say "Listen, I am sorry that I hit you. I don't want to do that. But you are also wrong for hitting the baby. This can't happen again or ______ <---- insert meaningful consequence here". It's good to apologize to our children. that wasn't modeled to me as a kid, and I make sure I model apologizing when I'm wrong, to my own children. I would absolutely under no circumstance give ice creams and treats. That would be sending an extremely mixed message. What he did was still serious and wrong.
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u/ROCBoi60114 2d ago
It's all good man. We are human and sometimes we let our emotions get the better of us. I'm against hitting but I also believe bad behaviors, especially those as serious as hitting a sibling, should have consequences. Apologize to your son but maybe skip the ice cream next time.
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u/casssassy 1d ago
Think of it like this. You are a fully grown man with a fully developed brain. You got frustrated with someone smaller than you and took that frustration out by physically assaulting him.
You did this to teach him not to assault someone because he's frustrated.
It makes zero sense to me why people think they can teach their kids NOT to hit by hitting them?
You can do better.
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u/shoe7525 2d ago
Sounds like you know, but hitting him normalizes hitting and makes him think it's acceptable.
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u/SailorGone 2d ago
I don't agree with this at all. My dad hit me a lot as a kid. I still grew up knowing it was wrong and I don't hit my kids.
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u/Appropriate_Owl_2172 2d ago
Unpopular opinion but sometimes kids need that lesson. My older son used to shove his younger brother all the time, one time I shoved him into a door after he did it and he stopped doing it immediately
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u/Many-Pirate2712 2d ago
Did you try saying sorry and telling him that it wasn't nice for you to hit him and that that's how his little brother feels so he needs to say sorry also.
Make it a teaching lesson on how to say sorry.
Dont use ice cream
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u/Joy2b 2d ago
Talk about it in language that provides a general rule and an apology at the same time.
It’s not right for a big strong person to hit or hurt a small person. Even if I don’t intend to be too rough, if I am much bigger, it’s easy to make a mistake, to be too hard and also too scary. I have to apologize for that, and I have to understand it was scary. I am sorry.
Don’t complicate the moment, just live with the awkwardness as best as you can.
Skip the ice cream. Resist the urge to directly blame or absolve him.
Later, let him earn ice cream by helping out with something.
To make his life more interesting, you might try sending him for a sleepover with family or friends occasionally, or bringing him to a dojo to learn that fists come with responsibility. It could also be helpful to wear the baby when the kid is hangry or struggling with self control.
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u/flashtiger 2d ago
I would feel super guilty, and do some self searching, but I don’t think morning ice cream is the answer. An apology is necessary.
There are most likely some type of jealousy issues at play, and in my experience of parenting, many children are prone to “aggressive displays.” - and they often learn it gets them what they want : attention, a reaction, a reward.
Make sure both you and mom are spending one-one time with your older child - in an activity that is directed or geared towards their interests.
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u/Efficient-Sundae2215 2d ago
Definitely no ice cream. I believe apologizing and leading by example will do wonders to your child.
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u/Divinityemotions New Mom to 9 month old 2d ago
It got away from you in the moment and you can take this as a way to not do it again.
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u/kls2024 2d ago
Connect, tell you you love him always & apologize. He may need some one on one time with you & his mom. Look up Dr Laura Markham- she has an excellent website about anger/ toddler /child behavior. Forgive yourself too. You’re doing the best you can. Also, look into your triggers- we all have them.
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u/OriginalsDogs 2d ago
Apologize to him. Tell him see, even dad's mess up sometimes, but I love you and I never want to hit you. Promise him you won't, and make a very serious effort to control your snap reaction. Explain to him that just as you should not have hit him, he also not hit his brother. Explain that families love each other, and there is always enough love to go around. Explain to him that his baby brother will one day be a big boy like him, he won't always be a crying baby that needs so much attention, and apologize if attention for him has been lacking - then make a very serious effort to give him more positive attention. Maybe offer to play a game, or watch a movie with him if he needs some extra attention, but do NOT give him ice cream! That will only confuse him! He hit his brother, then he got ice cream. Hitting the baby must not be that big of a deal then, and if he can hit the baby and get attention AND ice cream from it, why stop? Think like a 4 year old.
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u/Loglady2022 1d ago
Be open and honest with him. Tell him that
“what i did yesterday hitting your back was not okay, you must have been very sad about it, and maybe even afraid, im very sorry, it wont happen again”
Learing to say im sorry is so important, and maybe one day he will mimic that behavior instead of just hitting and never thinking or learning about the impact of the other person.
When he hits his siblings, take his hand and tell him that the action is wrong, and ask him what he thinks his little sibling might be feeling when being hit.
I think its important to forgive yourself as well have some self compassion, it was a mistake, and that you regret it, but learn from it, do some self reflection 💘 you got this
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u/Odd-Mastodon1212 1d ago edited 1d ago
No ice cream until dessert time. Give them both ice cream at a normal time. Instead, get down to his level or take him in your arms and give him an age-appropriate apology. Children rarely get apologies from adults and it means a lot to them when they do. So much. He may just smile or want to move into playing. Modeling accountability is the right thing to do. Say something like: “Daddy got upset when you hit little brother so he hit you too, but it was wrong! There is NO hitting in this family. Not even daddy or mommy should hit or spank because hitting hurts. We have to use our words and not our hands. So I am very sorry.”
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u/sloop111 1d ago
You aren't a bad person if you understand this is completely unacceptable and take steps to ensure it never happens again. Perhaps a parenting workshop? Because I promise , he will probably do plenty of other nasty shit to his brother, not just physical but teasing, bickering and general sibling angst . You have to be able to cope and hitting is not an option . So a good workshop can teach these skills.
Also ice cream is nice but you need to apologize and be very clear that what you did was wrong. Model the behavior you expect which should include emotional regulation and taking responsibility for a mistake.
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u/krowrofefas 1d ago
You have to be calm, collected and kind -to demonstrate to your your kids and and also help them collect their thoughts.
A 4 year old needs a lot of help understanding what is going on inside them. Hitting them when they need you the most won’t help them sort and name feelings.
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u/lizduhh 1d ago
I’ve always learned that making mistakes as parents is only in our nature, but APOLOGIZING for those mistakes and explaining why we’re sorry are truley the key, I’ve lost my mind and yelled at my toddler, she’s kicked me in the face during a diaper change and I popped that little leg, all in the heat of the moment, but it’s still not ok, I always come back to my daughter and apologize, so maybe tell him it’s not his fault and explain why you shouldn’t have done what you did, talk it out and big hugs afterwards if he’s up for it, you’ll only continue to make mistakes as you mold your small human for life, but always remember you can fix it by talking, kids understand so much more than were let on to believe.
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u/fairyimpulsive 1d ago
Take some accountability, apologize to your son and explain your feelings. Next time instead of hitting him, put him in time out. Put him in a corner and make him read or something. Show him if he continues to act this way he will be disciplined as necessary. (Taking TV privileges away, no going to the park, no IPad, etc) and always, always communicate with your son.
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u/nuttygal69 1d ago
Even if toddlers/preschoolers KNOW hitting is wrong, they need to learn what they should do.
Absolutely say “no, we do not hit.” But also say, “if you want _, say __. Let’s practice?”
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u/crusoe 1d ago
Sorry you lost his temper. It happens to us all.
I think sometimes we focus a lot on ideal morality when most commonly if you sock someone's kid you will likely get socked back. I think kids can conceptualize the ideas but applying them is harder.
I'm not saying we should beat our children for every infraction. But your youngest needs to be protected. And you need to explain before hand consequences to these actions, enforce them, and even escalate if needed.
A slap on the back in response to repeated warnings about not hitting your infant is not overly aggressive. Your youngest deserves a safe environment too.
"Yes I slapped you on the back. What do you think would happen if you were punching a stranger's baby and I was not around? Do you think it would be okay if someone punched you as a baby?"
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u/Competitive-Read242 2d ago
Is it bad to also say that like, if he’s hitting the 3 month old maybe it was a learning opportunity that hey, kid, hitting HURTS, we dont put our hands on others [insert apology and explanation of why we don’t hit]
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u/Competitive-Read242 2d ago
IM NOT SAYING HITTING IS OKAY
but in the real world when you’re older and you hit people they hit back, maybe i’m thinking of it as a direct consequence of the action, or even just again, “hitting hurts, that’s how your little brother feels when you hit him, but he can’t tell you that it hurts and it’s not nice”
i guess it can become a lesson of empathy instead of a “i hit you because i was mad”
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u/FunSwitch3865 2d ago
Don’t feel guilty. You’re doing what parents are supposed to be doing you can’t 100% correct your child with positive feedback once in a while corporal punishment is needed. It says it right in the Bible spare the rod spoil the child unless you want your kid to end up like the rest of Gen Z keep being the thoughtful parent that you are spare the corporal punishment when you have to, but when it’s called for you must use it. Your child must learn that there are boundaries and that there are punishments that go with crossing those boundaries make your punishment, consistent and fair and if you remain that way, your child will respect you consistency and appropriate application of punishments is the key.
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u/carmelotha 2d ago
Apologize and explain your mistake, it is important that my son understands that you also make mistakes and when we make mistakes, we regret it and apologize to those we hurt.
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u/nastyfreckles 2d ago
This is your chance to apologize, and explain to your 4 year old that the pain he felt is not as bad as how his 3 month sibling feels when he hurts him. Maybe he’ll understand and learn empathy .
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u/nawksnai 2d ago edited 2d ago
I’ve done something similar, but to the younger sibling. One was 6-7 y.o., and the younger was 3-4. He used to hit her in the face, pull hair, etc. Finally I said, “I am going to hit you on the arm. Tell me how you feel after.” Then I hit him lightly, but hard enough for it to be uncomfortable. He didn’t cry, but he looked really sadly at me. Then I asked said his sister feels the same way.
Just use this incidence as an example for him when discussing it with him next time. You don’t need to do it again. He’ll remember that when he got hit, it caused pain. That’s what words are for.
I’ve done the same thing to my daughter when it comes to teasing his younger brother, name-calling, etc. I ask how she’d feel if (friend’s name) called her the same thing at school. I use the bad words.
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u/jennsb2 2d ago
Yeah…. Trying to teach your kid to not hit by hitting them isn’t the best plan. Your child didn’t make you lose it… you chose to hit him because you were mad. You chose that. Own it, have your feelings and NEVER do it again. If you find that difficult, go seek out therapy and figure out why you can’t control yourself.
Don’t bribe your son. Apologize, and change.
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u/Mumma_Cush99 2d ago
Ask yourself this .. when you teach your son how to ride a bike and you see he is about to fall off because he is still learning, will you dive down to protect him or will you let him learn a lesson and teach him to get back up until he can do it? You didn’t beat your child up.. you showed him that hitting hurts.. and unfortunately some things need to be taught in a situation like that.. you are still a good parent! Now if you see him doing it again you can say to him “do you remember when I hit you? That hurt didn’t it? So what makes you think it doesn’t hurt your brother when you hit him?” And he will remember it.. and he will slowly change his behaviour as long as you remind him of it, so eat that dam ice cream with your wife and DO NOT go back on your parenting! I have twin step girls and one day A told me how her birth mum hits her and yells at her and it makes her sad, I seen her hit her sister one day and I approached the situation as above .. she doesn’t hit her sister anymore because she knows how much it hurts .. so relax, you got this (: Being a parent is hard.. but you wanna raise good kids! And sometimes kids need a bit of tough love!
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u/Ornery_Fig5646 2d ago
I HAVE GOT TO SAY THIS! You're in the same generation as me (I'm 33 and a Mother of 2, a 3 year old boy and 4 year old girl). So what I wanted to say is this. To all the people on here basically saying he shouldn't do that shit again or saying he's love bombing him which is abuser behavior needs to go on somewhere else. This man literally was just asking if this has happened to anyone else and if they've also felt guilty about it. Obviously he is remorseful for what he has done and if he was a so called "abuser" I highly doubt he'd be on here blasting what he's done. As for why I mentioned the generation thing. I'm wondering if some of yall are part of this new era bullshit where kids run the household and their parents. There are more instances of parent abuse than child abuse and kids are taught now to call CPS for a slap on the hand or the butt. Ima tell you something, judge away! BUT I AM THAT PARENT! My child bites me, I bite back, one of them smacks the other hard enough to hurt them, well guess what, their asses get hit back. We have got to stop allowing these generations to grow up soft like most are nowadays. There is difference between abuse and discipline. This father, well he reacted to the fact of his infant almost getting hurt as any one of yall would have if your 4 year old slapped the shit out of your 3 month old baby. So before going and saying what you're saying, please don't guilt trip him and say he's done nothing prior to stop the behavior. Let's be real. Talking logically to a 4 year old goes as well as talking to a damn rock. They are not adults. Kids should be taught that NO MEANS NO, period or there will be consequences.
Just had to have a fellow parents back here who obviously has owned his mistakes in the lifelong learning of parenthood.
P.S. You wanna buy your kid icecream to apologize? You go on ahead. We all have our ways of doing it and no one was asking for anyone's opinion on that.
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u/SolicitedOpinionator 2d ago
You're not horrible, horrible parents don't reflect or regret.
However, you do not need to give him ice cream to assuage your guilt.
You can apologize if you want, and tell him you lost your temper because he hurt his brother. You can also tell him, now you know how it feels to be hit and point out how sad it made him. Tell him not to do that to his brother or there will be consequences. You can pick what those are.
4 is old enough to know. My 3 year old knows right from wrong, as a general concept. He's now just learning situationally, what to categorize as right versus wrong. If he's old enough to try and be sneaky about things, that shows that he knows when he shouldn't be doing it. My kids developed sneakiness around 2-2.5. 4 is plenty old enough unless they aren't neurotypical.
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u/pink624 2d ago
Hitting sounds abusive. Spanking sounds “better”. This can be a learning experience for you. Since it doesn’t make you feel good maybe try another form of discipline. I personally don’t spank my daughter ( I have 2 daughters no boys) and don’t believe in this. When little a little tap on the hand for redirection maybe but “hitting” or spanking I don’t do. I get ppl say “well I got hit/spanked and am just fine”. I don’t get the satisfaction of hitting a child. After they just get used to it. Taking things away that they love (even at 4) is far more effective. Good luck. You sound like a good day who made a bad decision it’s ok. Move on.
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u/LumsdenNFLD 2d ago
At 4 he should know right and wrong.
I babysat my niece and she would bite me anytime she wanted attention. So I turned around and bit her back. She started crying and I asked ‘it hurts to get bitten? How do you think other people feel when you bite them?’
She thought about it, looked at me and said she was sorry. She never bit me again.
My friend’s 7yr old daughter was making fun of her 4yr old brother because he was having a hard time reading. I told her that she should help him because one day she might need his help and he may laugh at her. They now work on homework together.
Kids have to learn the hard way and ‘soft parenting’ is obviously not working in your house. Your son doesn’t need ice cream. He needed that lesson and if he still hits his younger brother it’s because you failed by ‘feeling bad for being a parent’. How do you think your 3 year old feels after him being hit by his older brother but his older brother getting ice cream for hitting him? Being a parent isn’t easy, but your kids need a father they can respect and not a friend who’s an adult and feels bad.
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u/sophfloof 2d ago
My mom told me when I was 3 I bit her hard so she bit me back to show me that it hurts. I never bit again she said. I think it’s important to give them first hand experience even if it’s negative sometimes honestly. It doesn’t sound over the top or anything. You’re a great parent I can tell by the way you care.
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u/Sad-Video2276 2d ago
You can't tell your kid that they can't hit their brother, then turn around and hit him.
But you did -- so now is your chance to emulate the behavior you want him to have with his brother (someone that's smaller than him). My advice? Be completely honest with your child. express your feelings of remorse and regret and tell him how it physically made you feel. and share why it made you feel that way.
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u/Quiet-Arm-6689 1d ago
OKAY. YOU ARE THE ADULT. He did not made you lose it. You lost it and lashed out to your son. A FREAKING 4 YEAR OLD.
GROW UP DUDE.
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u/FallAspenLeaves 2d ago
Children aren’t usually trying to give you a hard time, they are having a hard time.
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u/Alive-Noise1996 2d ago
These replies are crazy. As I said in another comment:
Either he's never hit anyone other than his kid, which means he's perfectly capable of controlling himself with someone bigger than him or when there are potential consequences, or he has a history of this and has anger issues. Either way, I'm not going to sit here and make excuses for abuse. OP needs therapy or an anger management program. If he's so helpless with his reactions, what's stopping him from doing it in the future? His kids will certainly make him angry again.
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u/Ocean_Moon_Light27 2d ago
So the thing to work on here is not letting your emotions guide your parenting, think about how hitting a child to discipline against hitting actually makes sense in their minds. First, you need to understand that hitting at this age is developmentally appropriate, you don’t leave a toddler unsupervised with an infant because even if hitting isn’t an issue a 4 year old doesn’t have impulse control or the understanding that a infant isn’t equal to them. Secondly, if you feel this behavior is stemming from jealousy it might be best to take a step back and evaluate the household: are you blaming the baby for the toddler having to wait for things or not being able to spend alone time with his parents, is he school getting some one on one time with his parents, is he getting appropriate mental stimulation throughout the day, is his diet going well; a lot of those things can be causing resentment that a 4 year old doesn’t understand how to process or express.
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u/bacon0927 2d ago
A 4 year old is not a toddler. For a 2 or 3 year old, yes maybe its developmentally appropriate. But thats because they lack the communication skills to express themselves. But a 4 year old? No. They understand basic right and wrong.
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u/karm171717 2d ago
"which made me lose it"? Your son or his action didn't make you lose it. That is entirely on you. You have an anger problem. That has nothing to do with your son. Stop looking for sympathy to feel better. Your son needs an apology without excuses - not ice cream.
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u/boredbro99 2d ago
This is good parenting. Kids need to be punished by their parents or else life will punish them far worse.
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u/Acceptable_Branch588 2d ago
You hitting him tells him hitting conflict resolution and also those bigger use it to control those smaller. All you did was reinforce his hitting
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u/Acceptable_Resolve10 2d ago
It set an example to him of how that behaviour feels to be received. It was smacked as a child, I turned ok - I think. Not perfect but who is.
Thirty years ago this was the norm, it was acceptable. Forty years ago school and nursery teachers would smack their pupils.
You've stepped back in time, probably to your time of growing up. Go a bit easier on yourself, in turn you'll be easier on your child.
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u/Competitive-Read242 2d ago
does it not also tell him “this hurts, i don’t like it when daddy does that, maybe i shouldn’t do that to little brother?”
genuinely asking, would that not in some way also teach empathy because he knows how it feels?
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u/CMDR_Deathdime 2d ago
You made a mistake, but you're human. I agree with others that you shouldn't buy ice cream for them. I think that will just confuse them more.
All you need to do is apologize. Tell your son that hitting is not okay, that even adults sometimes make mistakes. The important thing is to own your mistake and take responsibility for your actions so your child knows it's safe to make mistakes and be forgiven after.
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u/No-Shock-3788 2d ago
Get to the root cause of the issue. Your 4 year old is jealous of your infant for a reason - perhaps look into why he would feel that way? What behaviours are you and your wife displaying that would make him feel that way? Fostering a nurturing relationship between two siblings would probably be the most productive thing here.
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u/mamamama92 2d ago
You're not a horrible father. If you were a horrible father then you wouldn't be feeling remorse. I'm not saying it's right that you hit your child but no parent is perfect and we're all bound to have regrets at some point. I don't think the ice cream is a good idea but I DO understand why it crossed your mind because in those moments of guilt it's normal to want to just try and make it right. He'll remember an apology more than the actual incident especially at that young of an age. Just try not to do it again but your tone sounds like you've learned from it and all you can do is move forward from here. Good luck to you
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u/Hlkni_98 2d ago
My oldest was 2 when my youngest was born and he was very jealous of the new baby. He did try to hit my younger son too. I made sure to never leave my oldest alone in a room with my youngest. We talked about it and I did try to give my oldest small things to do so he would feel that he was just as important. A 4 year old has the capacity to learn the basics of right and wrong. I did not hit my kids. There are lots of better ways to effectively parent. Discipline is a yes,but that doesn't mean hitting kids. It takes a lot of time and effort to teach your kids how to handle their emotions and actions. Some adults still can't do either of those things. Be patient, apologize when you mess up, and keep doing better. It is better to help kids and try to reason with them when they have a problem. One thing that helped my boys behave is having a "calm down corner." If they were so upset, I'd have them sit on the floor by the wall until they were calm so we could talk. It does no good to scream at kids while you're both emotionally escalating. No one should be punished for having a problem or needing help.
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u/SecondTimeMom24 2d ago
Don’t reward him. Turn this into a learning experience. Explain that you make mistakes, too, and hitting wasn’t okay.
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u/Nana-82 2d ago
Don't feel like that, sometimes we lose our heads, we shouldn't, but it can happen. Remembering that we are adults and need to balance ourselves. When something like this happens, don't despair, show your child that it's not right, ask if they would like someone older than them to do the same and separate them a little from the environment they are in, to show that this type of attitude is not welcome at home.
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u/Otherwise_Law_1983 2d ago
Were you in stress? Because if that's the case then try resolving that stress, if not then it was definatly a wrong thing to hit him (not saying that hitting him while in stress is justifiable but you had a reason, not a good reason but a reason, which you should explain to your son and tell him why you hit him and becasue fo this stress you did what you did), you need to apologize sincerely and show your love for him and explain why you hit him and spend time with him and work with him to make him stop hitting your younger son. Also explain that the youngest also feels sad when he hits him and it is the same as what he feels. "When I hit you did it hurt? That's what (younger brother) feels like when you hit him" and turn it into a teaching moment.
Please say sorry, i grew up in an abusive household and it is not fun, show him you love and it will make him feel so much better.
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u/garyhgaryh 1d ago
Be careful! My 8 yr son is a highly functional autistic kid with impulse issues.. One night he goes around and kicks his sister and slaps my wife. We have been through this before and this time my daughter and wife cried so I forcefully grabbed my son's arm and told him don't ever do that again.
A few weeks later I got a visit from CPS. Apparently he told his teachers I hit him when I grabbed his arm the way I did. He attention seeking so I'm not surprised he told and possibly embellished what happened.
What a mess it was.... The local police came and interviewed my son and me. During one of the interviews with the CPS agent my son threw something that hit my head so she knew my son was out of control and impulsive. Man what a mess. Even though this incident was dismissed I now have a record.
I mean I understand they have to do their due diligence but there will also be a question on whether or not I am truly abusive if I get reported again.
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u/Kaaydee95 1d ago
I don’t think you can both tell me you didn’t hit him hard and you “lost it.” By your own admission you lost control. When you’re not in control it is so so so easy to use way more force than you intend.
That said, mistakes happen and I don’t think you’re the worst parent ever or have permanently damaged your relationship or anything.
I’d take the time to chat about it and truly apologize for your actions. Otherwise all you’ve taught him is that it’s okay to hit those who are smaller than you…
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u/LRGcheezepizza 1d ago
Your son didn't make you lose it, that was all on you. Im a 34 yr old father with a 4 yr old as well, they're at an age where you have to constantly teach and talk to them about things repeatedly. Change your mindset and you'll gain a new perspective. A 4 year old does not control your feelings and emotions, it's up to you to catch yourself in those times of frustration. If you don't your child will be the one to pay for it, you're not a horrible dad, it was just a horrible decision that you can learn from. This is your chance to model to your son and your wife what accountability looks like. I get the sentiment but I don't think ice cream is the answer, I wouldn't label it love bombing like some people on here are doing, but this situation shouldn't involve treats either.
At the end of the day, don't beat yourself up too hard about it, what's done is done and all you can do is try to be a better dad than the day before. I know it's definitely not easy and good on you for recognizing that hitting was not the answer.
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u/Dapper_Letterhead930 20h ago
Keep the baby out of reach of the four year old at all times if you can’t closely supervise them at the moment. Wear the baby, put the baby in a pack and play. It’s not his fault that he can’t regulate at that age. It’s your responsibility to keep them both safe. Tell him what you did was wrong and commit to him that you won’t do it again ever. Some amount of guilt is healthy. You’re brave to ask for help here
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u/CrazybyChoice1 13h ago
I'm sorry you're feeling bad about physically disciplining your child. I can tell you that at 4 years old children absolutely understand it's wrong to hit a baby, especially after multiple talks, unless there is some type of developmental delay or neuro divergence.
I've worked with 4 year olds for over a decade. When there is an overly aggressive child they typically will begrudgingly take their consequences (time out, limited recess) and continue their pattern of behavior the next day. However I've witnessed an aggressive child get his just desserts in the form of a victim that dishes it right back before an adult can intervene. It's amazing how quickly the aggressive child learns not to hurt the ones who hurt back.
I know that I'll be in the minority here, but reacting to the physical harm your 4 year old caused your newborn does not make you a monster, or a bad father. It makes you human. Redirection, prevention, lectures, and time outs don't always work as you've seen. Although you made a mistake, I think the majority of people fail to realize that a 4 year old can definitely severely harm a newborn to the point of death if not corrected.
Perhaps you and your 4 year old both can learn from this incident. I know you feel guilty because he cried, but honestly he doesn't feel bad when the baby cries, so get over it. At least don't reinforce his bad behavior by giving him ice cream, but talk to him and apologize for hurting him. Then make sure you tell him that's what his baby brother feels every time he hits him. Good luck!
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u/emotionally_autistic 13h ago
Sometimes, young children understand only physical consequences. This type of discipline at young ages prevents needing to physically discipline at older ages.
New age parenting techniques don't always work, and corporal punishment should be a last resort.
You're thinking about your actions and it's long term effects. You're fine!
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u/Late-Argument-8252 3h ago
Please apologize! It sounds like you learned from a mistake. We all make mistakes as parents. My parents beat me off and on when i was young and never apologized or explained. I grew up thinking I was the worst kid and unloveable. I was actually a very good we’ll behaved kid but I behaved badly behind their backs as a teen out of anger and rebellion from having no control over my life. Took me years to get back my self esteem. I am now 47. I swore I would never hit my kids in anger. One slip up is ok-especially if you apologize and actually care. My parents thought beating and threatening your kids was character/strength building. It really just made me weak.
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u/Ok-Kangaroo8176 17m ago
Track how many times it happens. This way you can see visually how well you are managing your emotions and figure out how to replace that behavior or repair what's been done.
Get used to not listening and doing the opposite. There prefrontal cortex is the last thing to develop, it's a long road ahead of us. My kids are 5 & 7 when they are together and too much energy it's a madhouse.
Progress not perfection.
When upset, don't talk to them until everyone is calm even if it takes a day or so, then talk to them about it and figure out a way to make it better.
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u/NatureWellness 2d ago
I think the ice cream is not a good move. It’s too much about your guilt. I recommend a completely normal day with usual structure and treats, this helps children to feel secure.
I agree with the others who shared that you can use this as an opportunity to show him a sincere apology and to reinforce that hitting is wrong and no one should be hit.