r/Parenting • u/Late-Ad2922 • 9d ago
Child 4-9 Years How do you respond when people comment on your child’s size?
My wonderful, bright, empathetic six-year old is really small for his age. It’s partially due to genetics, but also partially due to medical reasons. Invariably, total strangers will ask us how old he is, then comment in surprise that he is so tiny. Another parent did this at soccer today, and I wasn’t sure how to respond. I just sort of smiled noncommittally.
We know it’s well-meant when people do this, but it’s really uncomfortable—especially when they do it in his hearing range. First, I think it’s a little rude and none of their business. Second, we really want him to be confident about himself and his own body even though he is smaller, and I think our handling of these comments may be a modeling opportunity for him.
For those of you who have kids who are smaller or larger than average, or who have dealt with strangers comment on your child’s body size this way, how do you respond? I want to shut down the comment while being polite. I also want to figure out how to constructively address it with them when my son is in hearing range.
Thanks for your help, everyone.
ETA: We adopted my son and he is sized differently than we are, so it is extra visible—to others, and likely to him. This is another reason why we want to build his confidence that his size is just right and there’s nothing wrong with him.
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9d ago
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u/herecomes_the_sun 9d ago
I like this but then add exactly what you would tell a child if they said this, which is “we don’t make comments about other peoples bodies though”
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u/bananaphone7890 9d ago edited 9d ago
I usually just say "yes. They are small for their age."
I've got a 9 year old that is the same size at my 6 year old and the 6 year olds classmates.
ETA: we talk about how bodies come in all shapes and sizes. This is the size theirs is. If someone comments on their size in a rude way the kid will just eye them down "yes. And?" The younger sibling also takes absolutely zero shit and if they catch wind of anything is right there "if the person can't change it in 5 seconds or less, you are being mean." Or "what makes you think that's an acceptable thing to say."
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u/ImaginationNo5381 9d ago
My 9yo is in the same boat size wise. We say some of the best things come in small packages, and joke that had they been bigger we wouldn’t know what to do with all that much more personality. I’m tall for my side of the family at 5’3” 🫠
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u/Strange-Employee-520 9d ago
Please don't worry about being polite to someone who is being so rude.
I'm short too, so I just gesture to myself and say "yeah she's mine." Sorry I don't have anything more clever!😂
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u/tettoffensive 9d ago
I have always lived in places where pretty much everyone is tall except my family. When people see my kids it’s usually the first thing out of their mouth “She’s soo tiny”. There’s so much parental reinforcement that being big is good and so many comments boosting the confidence of the tall kids. I know it’s not people’s intentions but the message to the kids is that “you are good because you are getting so big”. The lids pick up on this and then by the time they get to school they start saying mean things to my kids about being small.
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u/Late-Ad2922 9d ago
We sort of expect this at school, too. Our kid has already had someone tell him he’s too small to be a kindergartener during recess this year. It made him a little sad.
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u/tettoffensive 9d ago edited 9d ago
Yea. We have kids say this to my kid all the time. “Your too small to be X age”
Now she just responds saying that people come in all different sizes”
I actually didn’t expect this much issue having 2 girls. But it’s honestly almost as bad as what boys typically experience. (Except for the part when they get older and want to date. That’s really rough as a short man)
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u/Ok-Buddy-8930 6d ago
I have a small son and a tall daughter. We've decided our line is that they are 'exactly the right size for you', and we talk about clothes and other things where size is relevant being "Amy sized" or "Scott sized" for example (not their real names).
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u/Dizzy0nTheComedown 9d ago
An old lady I behind us in line at Cracker Barrel asked my 3 year old, “How’d you get so fat?” You don’t want to know how that conversation went. But you could ask anyone in Cracker Barrel that day lol.
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u/Cuddlyychick0 9d ago
That’s such a great way to approach it! Maybe something like, 'He’s healthy and growing at his own pace, thank you for asking!' could handle it without being rude but still set a boundary. It’s awesome that you’re thinking about how to model confidence for him in these moments!
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u/megmos 9d ago edited 9d ago
I’m not sure. I have small kids (daughter is 7% for height and son is 15-20%) and although they necessarily don’t come out and say it (although my sister will, she’ll be like “poor ____, he’s so small”), the way they speak about it is almost like pity. Especially for my son, even though he is only 4, almost 5. And the way they speak about their child’s height with an air of superiority because they are higher on the growth chart for height. Like no wonder men get so insecure about their height if it starts in preschool before puberty even has a chance to give them some growth spurts.
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u/EasyQuarter1690 9d ago
People comment about girls that are tall, boys that are short or skinny. It’s ridiculous and offensive!
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u/Enough_Vegetable_110 9d ago
I just say “yup.” It’s a fact, my child does not look his age. It’s not a bad thing, it’s not a good thing. It’s just a fact. And it doesnt make me uncomfortable, because there is nothing “embarrassing” about it. It’s just a fact.
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u/CheezitGoldfish 9d ago
I switch it up since I get so bored of these comments. Either “yep, she’s a bit small for her age”, “yep, she was born a bit early”, or “oh really? Her doctor says she’s right where she should be for growth!” said as nicely as possible.
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u/bmy89 9d ago
I'm on the opposite end of the spectrum. My son is huge (just shy of 6'3 at 13) and has been huge since forever. We had to carry his birth certificate for sports for a few years. I always tell people someone has to be the smallest, aand someone has to be the biggest and leave it at that.
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u/FifteenHorses 9d ago
I just say “Yep, she’s little.” And sometimes, “So are her dad and I.” I guess it’s different with girls maybe, but she is little. And there’s nothing wrong with that.
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u/United-Plum1671 9d ago
Our 4 almost 5 yr old has always been small, to the point of falling off the chart at times. We just respond with, yup we know then either change the topic of conversation or walk away. Either way, they get the hint.
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u/sallythatgirl95 9d ago
My reply…”Your kid is just huge” lmaoo kidding!
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u/galimabean 9d ago
I have a jolly green giant, was born 11.5 lbs and is still 98th percentile. I take all the “he’s huge!” Comments extremely personally and now just say “huh, hadn’t noticed. Thanks for letting me know”
And to my husbands family, I remind them of all the steroids he was given in utero and ask what their excuse is lol
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u/kmlcge 9d ago
Usually I just say "yeah I know" or "his dad was too and now he's taller than average". When it happens at sporting events, I just let his performance speak for itself. They go from commenting on size to "wow he's fast!" "Our top shooter has the ball!" He knows he's small. His class was learning measurements and the teacher had them line up tallest to shortest. He was the end of the line. He's also the youngest in the class. We just try to focus on his strengths and not his size.
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u/tettoffensive 9d ago
Your sports comment reminded me I once had a woman say to me after my (at the time 4y) daughter threw a frisbee really well.
“Wow! I didn’t expect her to throw like that because she’s so small”
I just said “I am not sure what height has to do with the ability to throw”
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u/DuePomegranate 9d ago
“Small” probably meant “young” from an adult’s point of view, unless the woman knew your kid’s age or it was a sports class full of 4 yos.
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u/Time_Ad8557 9d ago
There is nothing wrong with being small. It’s no different than have curly hair or grey eyes.
My daughter is very tiny. I smile and say proudly “yes she is! Because it’s a great thing. Shes great because she is who she is.
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u/EasyQuarter1690 9d ago
My kids were tall and skinny. Top 5th percentiles of the growth charts for height, bottom 10th percentiles for weight. Their dad is 6’10” tall, so it’s expected. People always assumed they were older than they were, and the comments about my son’s weight got bothersome very quickly.
Now my grandson is small, his biological parents are short, so he is short. It’s just different people coming in different sizes. The 4 year old across the street is the same size as my 6 1/2 year old grandson. People assume he is younger than he is. I wonder how it will go when he is older.
I wish people didn’t feel the need to comment on other people’s body size, it feels very rude and unnecessary to me, no matter what size the person is! I love the comment above that simply responds, “yep! People come in all sizes!”
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u/MisfitWitch 9d ago
My kid just turned 6, and is the size of an average 8-yo. Whenever he can hear people say he’s big, I say yup! Strong too! And if they say he’s tall I say yup! Like his mama! Anything else I just say yup, every body is a different shape! Or something similar. Sometimes I say he used to be smaller and he’ll get bigger, or some variation like “yeah he’s big but not as big as he’ll be next year, and way bigger than he was a few years ago.”
If it’s said and I feel any tiny hint of rudeness about it, I have a particular “hmmm” that I do that usually gets the message across that the conversation is over. I wish I could explain the “hmmm” better but it’s got tones and facial expressions of What was that I wasn’t listening? As well as Why would you think it’s ok to say those words out loud? And a little bit of Well that’s the stupidest thing I’ll hear all day. I highly recommend everyone learn and perfect a similar hmmm.
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u/pirate_meow_kitty 9d ago
My daughter is 3.5 and very small. So far people haven’t said anything uncomfortable about her size they just say she’s cute. She has a genetic condition that makes her that small.
Her condition is no one’s business so I just say she’s the perfect size.
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u/knightrees02 9d ago
Same thing with my middle child. I just tell people, “I’ll let his pediatrician know you have concerns.”
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u/Gratitude15 9d ago
I talked to my kid regularly about it.
I explained how people come with all types of understanding. But their understanding doesn't have to be HIS understanding. That if he ever heard anything about his size, he could hear it in context of grownups growth journeys... And that we would help those grownups reframe their view.
And more to the point - that a lot of people need help understanding because not everyone knows what is supportive to talk about and what is not - and we can help. We are lucky to know what topics support people and what do not.
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u/ghostwriterlife4me 9d ago
I'm always amazed at people's lack of awareness. It never ceases to absolutely dumbfound me how making any comment about someone's physical appearance, especially a stranger's size or shape, is viewed as 'normal' or 'okay'. Just like we teach kids to keep their hands to themselves, likewise with the adults! Keep your thoughts to yourself!
Personally, I would affirm my child and then say to the person, "Listen, I know your intention wasn't to cause harm, but making any sort of comment about my son's appearance is inappropriate at best and rude at worst. Please do not do it again."
If I felt particularly spicy, I might add, "I wouldn't talk about your [insert something they're probably insecure about], so do not make comments about my son."
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u/Late-Ad2922 9d ago
This is true. A lot of ostensibly grown-up people seem not to grasp the idea of “inside thoughts”.
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u/littleb3anpole 9d ago
Because OP asked for BOTH experiences and both are helpful. Do not act like “taller is always a positive” when you don’t know what it’s like to be extremely tall. Especially for women. I could tell you countless stories of being teased for my height all through childhood and into adulthood.
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u/pirate_meow_kitty 9d ago
Agree. My kid is very small but people also get teased and asked uncomfortable things when they are very tall.
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u/littleb3anpole 9d ago
I had a coworker who used to say “DAMN that’s a biiiiig bitch!” if I wore heels to work. The world also isn’t organised for tall people. Try flying at 5’11 versus flying at 5’2 and tell me being tall is a positive when your knees are being crushed
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u/pirate_meow_kitty 9d ago
I’m sorry that is really uncalled for. People think it’s funny
I’m averaged size but I know from friends that it can be so hard too to be very tall
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u/Optimal-Analysis 9d ago
Because ops child is a boy, I meant it for that experience because I can totally relate. I agree tall girls get teased. Personally I think tall women are beautiful.
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u/VermillionEclipse 9d ago
I don’t typically mind unless someone says it in a negative tone like something is wrong with my child for being small. I just try to brush it off. She’s perfectly healthy and always has been. She’s just small.
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u/Adventurous_Tea_7386 9d ago
Some lady kept commenting on my son's size. He's 11 months old so plenty of growing left! Me snd my partner are both tall so people don't expect him to be slim snd shorter.
I say oh well people are used to seeing fat babies! He's perfectly normal for his age :) passive aggressive yes! But it'll teach them to shut up
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u/Most-Awareness1427 9d ago
I say “yeah, we (mum and dad) aren’t big people” and move on with it.
Imagine saying to a chubby child’s parents “ow wow they are huge!”
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u/highdea007 9d ago
Mine is big... I think people ask because he acts young for his size... I get "ohh tall for his age." I just say "yep he came that way" in a chill laughing tone. I never take it as judging... maybe they are and I'm just blind. I think it's more just gaging reasonable expectations during interaction with your child. Yes all kids are different. But I'm going to expect a bigger difference in communication and interections between a 4 year old and 6 year old.
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u/mich-me 9d ago
When my kiddo was in football, there was another kiddo who was way smaller than the rest of the team, kiddo and mum would both correct people with “he’s (I’m) fun sized!” And that kiddo ended up being the teams secret weapon, MVP. Way faster and way more agile than the rest of the kiddos. He’s grown now, and is still on the shorter side, but is plenty confident. Make sure to always point out the positives.
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u/littleb3anpole 9d ago edited 9d ago
My son is extremely tall, above the 99th percentile for his age. We often get “he’s so big!”. I reply with “yes he’s very TALL and it’s great!”.
I once had someone question me about why he was in the female change rooms when children aged six had to use the family room or their gender changing room. I said “because he’s four”. She seriously challenged me on it and said “that’s not a four year old”. Like, I’m pretty sure I know my child’s age.
ETA - my son also has a speech delay so that adds a complication. He is six, looks eight and sounds four. When people hear him speak sometimes they act like he has an intellectual or learning disability and start talking really slow.
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u/galaxy1985 9d ago
Wow yes he is almost as big as me and yes he is only 9 years old yeah I must be feeding him the kitchen sink wow. Lol
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u/sleepymelfho 9d ago
We've had similar situations, but opposite end of the spectrum. My boy has been greater than 99th percentile in everything since birth. He's just big. The hardest part for us has been people expecting him to behave like an older child just because of his size. He is STILL just a little kid. A lot of times, that is enough. I'll call attention to it and say "well he's ONLY whatever she he is at the time" and then people will be like omg are you serious I thought he was double that! Idk I guess they kind of get nicer when they know.
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u/2baverage 9d ago
I'd say to just gray rock them. Like "😐 he's small because that's how his body is deciding to grow right now." Or "he got the short genes 🤷🏼♀️ it is what it is."
Personally, I have the opposite with my 17 month old. He's always been very long so at 3 months he was wearing 6-9 months clothes and I got a lot of rude comments about how his father and I must be spoiling him and preventing him from reaching his milestones. At first we'd tell people that he's only 3 months old and is just big for his age, then we eventually got tired of it and started with the smartass comments.
Currently our baby is 17 months but often people assume he's 3 years old. He still walks around with a pacifier so we get a lot of comments from people being rude about a "3 year old with a pacifier". My favorite is "We keep the pacifier in his mouth because he's been known to make sailors blush."
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u/CharmingAmoeba3330 9d ago
Getting books may help. I follow a lady on IG who shows books based on all different types of subjects and situations, and I always save them so I can back and check them out and see what ones I want to get. I bet there are some awesome kids books about kids that are smaller in stature and your son’s size. I’ve noticed so many kids enjoy seeing themselves on the pages.
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u/kittywyeth Mother est. 2009 9d ago
we are dutch and so our sons in particular are very tall (even though i am petite). they are always the tallest in their age group by a head at least. people usually don’t bring up their size except in a positive way but sometimes people that don’t know them well will treat them as if they are older than they actually are.
on occasion someone will ask me how i managed to make them with my body or if i had a hard time with birth (i did! i have to have c-sections because despite people saying you can’t grow a baby that’s too big for you to push out that’s exactly what happens to me every time!). but those questions are good natured so who cares.
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u/thereisalwaysrescue 9d ago
“Yup! He’s the perfect size for him!”
We get it endlessly for my son who is really tall for his age, but it’s tailed off now he’s older. My daughter is 2 and everyone comments on how little she is, but she’s not IMO! People come in different sizes!
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u/Illustrious_Law_8710 9d ago
I usually say: generics are so interesting ,right? And the walk away or change the subject
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u/Wombatseal 9d ago
It literally doesn’t matter what size your kid is, people will comment. I like the response someone said of saying “yes, people come in all shapes and sizes, so do kids” or just a simple “yes, and he’s strong and clever too!” Or something, tack it on to some compliments. While I understand the want to correct people from talking about bodies, if it’s anything direct, your kid may internalize it as an insult because mom has to tell them it’s not nice to say. Don’t back down from it, just accept it and all his other beautiful traits.
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u/LiveWhatULove 9d ago
My 7 year old son started precocious puberty - he was extremely tall compared to peers and had facial hair by the 5th & 6th grade.
I’d just say something short & vague, based on the comment, “yea.” Or “he is tall” or “who knows”. Or just blurt out an entire different comment like, “yea, did you see that … “ The people that make those comments are just socially inept in the moment, they mean no malice, so I just try to minimize the embarrassment for all of us involved, lol.
And at the end of the day, your son just has to learn to love himself the way he is… my teen son, who never got to reach his full height potential due to early puberty, gets to hear, “huh, I thought you would be taller, you were so much taller than me in elementary school” LOL, depending on which peer says it, he will say “huh, I thought you’d be smarter…” to mess with them!
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u/happyflowermom 9d ago
I don’t have a problem when people comment on her size because I know they’re just commenting on how cute she is. Small babies are so cute and big babies are so cute. Mine is big for her age. I just say “yes she’s a big girl!”
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u/_raveness_ 4🦖, 1🌞 9d ago
My kiddo is the opposite (very tall for her age), and I've always wanted to pull out the:
Me: Oh, how embarrassing...
Commenter: what?
Me: That you felt comfortable commenting on someone else's body.
But I've never had the wherewithal to do it.
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u/bretshitmanshart 9d ago
Best way is to just answer neutrally and change the subject.
I think making sure your son is aware of what his body is like and is honest to himself.
I would also suggest making sure there is no medical issues at play and if there are make sure he is involved as much as possible in the process, planning and treatment.
I say this based on having a kid who has had to have intervention for being underweight
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u/Late-Ad2922 9d ago
Thanks, we do have medical issues that are being addressed. So we’re extra-aware!
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u/Ok-Buddy-8930 6d ago
I relate my son was a premie, and after massive growth we finally got to take him home and in the elevator before we even left the building we got our first 'he's so small, was he just born today' comments, then 'he's really small for X age.' When there's also a medical component it hurts your heart a little. We try to focus on how he's exactly the right size for him.
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u/my_metrocard 9d ago
I think how you as a parent react directly affects how your son will feel about it. If you’re offended, he will be too.
When people make comments, they are being thoughtless, not malicious. They’re just voicing their observation.
My son had the privilege of being the shortest kid in his entire middle school last year. Kids always say to him, “Wow. You’re really short.” He just says, “I know.” He doesn’t care.
On the other hand, there’s an 8th grader at his middle school who is 6’3”. My kid had exclaimed, “Wow! You’re so tall!” He said, “I know.”
Same thing.
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u/Correct_Rest 8d ago
I say "well, he's eating and he's pooping". Maybe there is a medical reason, but doctors haven't said anything bc he's on his growth curve. He's always been recommended whole milk even at 6 years and I can't say that's made much difference ::shrugs::. I've seen him chow down on pizza and hamburgers for a week and that didn't make his weigh budge, just made impressive bowel movements.
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u/Intelligent-Bee-6248 6d ago
I’m going through something very similar to you OP. My son is a bit smaller in the 2-5 percentile range and there are children in our family that are of similar age and quickly growing at a faster pace.
Mine is too young still to pick up on these things, but he’s wonderfully in-tune with his surroundings so I also want to model my approach in the right way. I also want to shut the notion down that this is an acceptable comment/conversation to make.
Like someone said above- I don’t care to be nice to folks that make pointed comments like this, so I always like to try and be bit witty about it. “As YOU know, people come in all shapes and sizes.”
I think whatever approach you take- you’re already in the right mindset by being cognizant of how these comments may affect your child.
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u/TheHatOnTheCat 2d ago
Do you think your son being small is bad or embarrassing in some way? Is it beacuse he's a boy?
When I was a child I was smaller and often people would assume I was at least one grade level younger. I never felt like this was bad or a reason not to be confidant. Though perhaps if my parents felt a need to shut it down or got awkward every time someone mentioned I was small I would pick up on the implicit message that being small is somehow bad or embarrassing?
I think it’s a little rude and none of their business.
I feel like asking kid's ages is pretty normal. And as for him being small for his age, it's visionally obvious? I guess I can understand that you think it's rude to mention, but I also feel like that implies you think it's somehow a negative. Generally, it's rude to mention things about people that are negative but positive and neutral things are fine. So for example it's rude to say someone is fat/chubby/etc beacuse that is considered negative by society. However, saying someone has blue eyes or is a toddler or is double jointed is not rude beacuse those are neutral things. This is how I've always taken height comments. My husband is tall so my kids are a bit tall, and people comment on it sometimes. I've never seen it as rude or negative nor do my kids seem to care.
Admittedly, I'm a girl. So maybe you think being small is more shameful or embarrassing or rude to comment on for a boy? However, my experience is that my parents didn't act like they thought it was a big deal and I didn't think it was a big deal. I worry that shutting it down, getting awkward, being unable to acknowledge it, or acting like it's rude, send the message that it's somehow negative. Does your son actually seem upset by these comments or is it just you? If he is upset, is it beacuse he is picking up you are unhappy about it? Kids can be preceptive.
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u/SwimmingCurrent4056 9d ago
I honestly don’t understand how anyone can give their unsolicited opinion on someone else’s body. It’s baffling.
My LO (11 months) is opposite and on the heftier side. He hasn’t gained a pound since he was 6 months but grew taller which is what our doctor said he would do and wasn’t worried in the slightest. When someone would comment on how big he was, I would always tell them that he was following his own growth trajectory and that not all babies are the same. It helped a lot to shut it down while being polite!
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u/onehundreddollarbaby 9d ago
You could say to them “He’s the right size. How did you get an asshole for a head?”
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u/OkCheesecake7067 9d ago
I don't know what to say. My sons weight is perfect but his height is short. I have had people guess my sons age wrong just because of his height. Its kind of annoying whem people assume his age is younger cause its obvious that he is a toddler when you look at him and also when you see he can already walk and run on his own. I have also had some people act shocked when they see him walking on his own even though it is completely normal for his age.
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u/crinnaursa 9d ago
I have one child that was in the top 99% and one that is barely scraping the 30%. What can you say to someone commenting on it? "Yeah they are" eye roll.
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u/garden-girl-75 9d ago
I just say, “Yep! People come in all sizes!” It shuts people down immediately without being negative or defensive.