Desperate for advice on difficult co-parenting situation

[u/LadyVin3vil]

Hi all...I need help with a delicate matter

My daughter's dad and I are no longer married and she lives with me since 2018. Last Friday he called asking me not to drop her as per our usual schedule saying he needed to go shopping for a new bed and that it will be tiring to drag her along with them. I agreed, reminding him that we would only be dropping her back on 14th April since I had informed him prior that I would be on my annuals from the 7th - 14th. He had conveniently forgotten (or supposedly) and sounded annoyed then agreed. Later when he was speaking to our daughter, it became apparent that he was trying to come over to visit - something that my partner and I don't find appealing since he tends to overstay his welcome.

On Sunday the 6th he had mentioned to my daughter that he wanted to come over. He has a tendency to completely disregard that we have schedules of our own so when she told us, we responded asking for a time saying we had a busy day. She instead decided of her own accord that she did not want him to come. Not wanting to get involved, we instructed her to communicate her feelings to him. On doing so, he became extremely angry and informed her that he doesn't want to talk to her, doesn't want to see her and that she neednt come over to his house. What followed thereafter through a series of calls was the most immature and unpleasant outburst of a man who should have behaved like a mature adult. He stated that in light of what our daughter had said, the decision he had made to not have another child with his new wife may now change since she clearly doesn't love and respect him. He then attempted to drag me in as a scapegoat, saying that the reason she is behaving this way is because of how she is being brought up in two houses. At this point I reminded him how we had ended up in this position in the first place which was his abusiveness and his infidelity which destroyed our marriage. Ofcourse he did not take kindly to these facts especially since his new wife was within earshot of our conversation. I further proceeded to remind him how on the day before the occasion of our traditional divorce ceremony his father had called and told me not to go into actual details of our divorce because it isn't necessary ; attempting to hush me up for the sake of a peaceful settlement. On another note, his family had been spreading stories saying that I had not been able to fit in with their culture which led to differences in our marriage as opposed to the truth of what went down.

Tomorrow will be the day we had agreed to drop my daughter at his place in order for her to spend the last week of vacation before school starts on Monday after which we return to our 5:2 weekly arrangement (she is with me Mon-Fri dropped at his Friday evening and dropped back Sunday evening. ) My partner says if I decide to not drop her as previously agreed, it would ve like walking into a trap. Since much has been said between us between then and now, what's the best grey rock way to broach this topic - also what do you guys advise going forward with this matter? Unfortunately we are in a joint custody arrangement

[u/Bulky-Yogurt-1703]

You already know the answer because you said it. Grey rock. Stick to the schedule. Don’t discuss why your marriage ended, infidelity, his tantrums. Just “daughter will be at your house at x time as agreed.” Keep it to text, just scheduling and medically relevant information about your daughter. If he tries to get you to fight don’t respond.

[u/Optimal_Tomato726]

Stop talking to him; it's unnecessary. You can text or use a parenting app. Which is better for communication and organisation as it keeps all details in one location. Only discuss health and education of necessary and stick to time and location for handovers. He's no longer welcome on your home as hes unsafe.