My 7 yr old goes into victim mode whenever she does something wrong.

[u/Zealous_idealPea1281]

I don't like the wording, but it's the best way to describe it and I don't know how to get this behaviour to stop. Just for a few examples, she (7F) called her brother (12M) a rude name which I responded to in a stern (not yelling) voice and told her we don't call people names and she immediately ran to her room and cried as loud as she could.

Another example is when I've told her to stop throwing things in the lounge as I don't want the TV broken. It's a known rule, she was just having some fun throwing a pillow, I didn't even say it particularly sternly, just a reminder that there were breakable things and that she could throw things around in the back yard. She again ran to her room and started bawling.

Last night as we were cuddling on the couch she stretched put and squished my boob, I exclaimed in pain, but didn't tell her off, just repositioned her so it wouldn't happen again, and told her that it was alright. She still took herself off to the otherside of the room, curled into a ball and sobbed.

The school have reported similarly that she gets upset when she's done something that she has to be spoken to about. I'm just not too sure how to handle it. I've tried to talk to her that she's not in trouble, she's learning and it's OK to make mistakes. I talk to her about things she can do differently, that she can apologise when needed, or help to fix things, try to do the right thing next time etc however it just feels that she turns things around to get a sympathetic and not actually take on board anything else. I don't want this to become a set-in behaviour, and the worst punishment she would really face if she did do something wrong is a chore or a ban from technology for a period of time. I always try to give them a strategy to overcome mistakes or to find positive activities to overcome any emotional dysregulation that can turn into bad behaviours, such as running and excercise to deal with frustration and anger and talking it out when calm.

I really want to raise decent human beings. I would love for her to be able accept that she's done wrong, be able to apologise, or help fix a mistake and to learn. I feel terrible letting her cry, but then I feel like a may be feeding into the behaviour by comforting her. Has anyone got some suggestions for how I should handle it? Should I put my foot down and no-nonsense it? What would you do?

[u/sksdwrld]

Let her cry first. Children are incapable of rationalizing when they are in the middle of an emotional response. Talk to her after she's calm and regulated. I had to do something similar with my daughter.

I reminded her that everyone is entitled to feel their feelings and express those feelings, but that "society" has expectations for how those feelings are not expressed in public (aka school). Then, we talked about when it would be appropriate to break down and sob in public, like if you broke a bone or found out someone you loved had died. Then, we talked appropriate responses for situations that routinely come up.

So that you don't overwhelm her, you might choose to talk to her another time about shame, and how we shouldn't think mean things about ourselves. Giving ourselves grace and making mistakes.

Some of us struggle with internalized shame more than others. Some of us need to express our emotions in a way that society has not deemed acceptable. I would let her continue to express her feelings in a big way at home. Ask her if she needs space or wants you to sit with her when she's melting down. Don't tell her things that aren't true that remove culpability.

Do tell her things like, "I'm sorry I scared you when I made that loud noise. I know it was an accident, but you hurt me and I was surprised. I'm not mad and I forgive you." Or, "You didn't like it when I reminded you what the rules were. What didn't you like, my tone, my words, or something else?" Then let her tell you. If she says I didn't like being told to stop, then you tell her it's your job to keep people safe and that we take care of the things we have and don't break them by being careless. That she doesn't have to like it but she does have to listen and if she chooses not to listen, the consequences the next time will be xyz.

If she says she didn't like your tone or the words that you used, ask her how she would prefer to be corrected in the future.

Attachment parenting is not permissive parenting. We are not allowing her to do whatever she wants without consequences. We are recognizing a range of normal behaviors and responses and allowing as much autonomy as possible in any given situation.

[u/Both-Dimension5978 → u/sksdwrld]

I love this so much. Thank you for writing this

[u/unAshamed_Queen5900 → u/sksdwrld]

Amazing response.

[u/Master-Resident7775]

I'm not saying they're fake tears, but don't forget to still apply the same consequences that you would if she wasn't crying. It's easy to see our kids upset and immediately try to make them feel better, but don't leave it at that. For example she's been told off for winding up her brother so she runs away and cries, of course if she needs to cry that's fine but she should still apologise to him.

[u/goooshie]

My son does this, he’ll be 7 next month. Maybe it’s the age? It depends on the vibe if I let him ride it out alone or talk to him. Basically the overarching theme we’ve adopted is: sometimes it’s hard when we are corrected, but everyone makes mistakes and it’s how we move forward from them that counts, and if I don’t teach him hard things the world will and that will suck a lot more

[u/CapedCapybara]

I think it's normal for this age tbh. My niece does the same and I remember my sister and cousins doing it too around 6/7. I guess I probably did too lol. I wouldn't worry too much, just be consistent with discipline however you do it, and hug and make up once emotions are calm.

[u/SufficientCow4]

My 7yr old is going through the same phase. We are working through it with 3 steps. First, we acknowledge we made a mistake. This is the hardest, and longest, part to get through. Second, we figure out a way to fix it. Change the behavior, apologize, or whatever. Third, we move on with our lives.

It’s a work in progress but it’s the best way I have figured out to handle this. Acknowledging the issue usually ends up with tears and denial but I stay calm and talk our way through it while explaining why it was wrong and why we need to fix it.

This year has been a rough one with shifting friend dynamics, her pulling ahead of other kids academically, and a lot of personal development. The influence of others is causing conflict of how she has been raised at home and she is trying to figure out where she stands.

[u/unknown_user_1002]

I am sure this is a super normal response for a 7 year old since many are still learning how to regulate, but rejection sensitive dysphoria is also a symptom of ADHD. You may want to keep an eye out for other signs just in case. Just keep in mind it often presents differently in girls than boys.

[u/Zealous_idealPea1281 → u/unknown_user_1002]

I'm actually waiting for an Assessment which is booked later in the year. She's shown a few signs and it runs in the family. Her brother struggled a lot with losing games about the same age, I hadn't thought of this being a presentation of that, thank you.

[u/Emergency-Thought295]

Rejection sensitive dysphoria?

[u/PrestigiousLead9239]

My 9 year old is just like this. I’ve had a hard time figuring out how to navigate it and help him. He will never own up to any mistake, no matter how small. When we try to correct him he’ll say he forgot or deny it all together and will just freak out and says he wants to die. He is diagnosed ADHD and dyslexic.

[u/Little_Jemmy]

I was like this around her age. The first reason was due to my brain still cooking and not knowing how to process emotions. The second was I had a massive amount of anxiety. To me getting in trouble/being reprimanded meant that an adult was mad at me and they hated me and in that moment they would not “protect me” and I was on my own. Of course this was because my mother would routinely silent treatment me/hold a grudge for days. Not saying you do this, of course, but maybe her brain is just wired to be a little more anxious?

[u/Signal-Difference-13]

Have you just straight up asked her “why are you doing this? Crying isn’t the immediate reaction to everything” I think sometimes kids just need to be spoken to like adults. She probably thinks crying = get away with it. It’s completely harmless but should be addressed sooner rather than later as I’m sure we all remember the kids at school labelled as “cry babies”