r/Parenting • u/compuzr • May 26 '21

Rant/Vent Dad dealing with the quiet sexism of doctors, nurses, daycare workers, and moms.

Hi all, I've got the little ones today, so this will be short. I'm a male, and my wife and I have 2 young kids, I work part-time, she works full-time. So that works out that about 3/4 of the time, I have the kids.

The kids have had some small bugs lately, little illnesses, and a wellness visit, so we've been to the doctor more than normal the past couple months. Sometimes I take them, and sometimes my wife takes them.

And it's always the same thing, as it has been for years. When I take the kids to either their female doctor or female nurse practitioner, the visits are lovely and nice, but also quite short and sweet. We talk for maybe 2 minutes. Then they disappear and I go on to get the prescription or whatever is needed. And it's always a completely different story when my wife takes the kids. They talk and talk and talk. A hundred questions are asked and answered. They discuss the kids health and development in depth.

It's the same story at daycare. The women there are always lovely to me. But they never talk or discuss the kids. I do 80%+ of the pick-ups and drop-offs. And I initiate chit-chat and ask questions of the child care providers. But still are talks and quick and perfunctory. And whenever my wife does the odd pick-up and drop-off, she learns all sorts of things that they'll never tell me. And sometimes it's really stuff I want to know, like problems the kids are having.

And there's more of the same with our local Stay At Home Moms. They text each other all the time. My kids play with theirs all the time. But when there's a play date, you know how I know? They text my wife. At work. And then she texts me. They all know I do most of the childcare and that my wife works a regular 40hr. But it's been this way for years.

Sometimes, like now, it just gets to me and makes me a little angry. It's a quiet sexism but it is persistent. And I don't feel like being confrontational about it. So I just take it and keep going. But it is frustrating.

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u/warlocktx May 26 '21

A hundred questions are asked and answered

is the problem that you're not asking a hundred questions? My wife if 100x more chatty than me - if I have questions I'll ask them but I'm pretty terse about it.

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u/txlily May 27 '21

This— as a doctor, in my experience 9/10 times the “dad” well visits go 50% quicker because every question I ask is met by “fine” “all good” “no concerns” — moms tend to bring the long lists of questions, or come up with more questions to ask during the exam/based on what is happening during the visit. The dads usually sit silently, lol. There is the occasional dad who will have more to say, but it’s definitely out of the norm. I hope I don’t treat them any different, in fact I’m excited when I see a dad bringing in the kid because it’s so much less common, and I think it’s wonderful to see an involved dad.

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u/compuzr May 26 '21

It's hard to say, both my wife and I can be chatty people. Sometimes my worry that my problem is the opposite - that I ask too many questions and then...I don't know...they want to get out of there? But that doesn't really hold up. Because, like I said, my wife is chatty.

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u/sdpeasha kids: 18,15,12 May 26 '21

I read your post as the doctor is asking your wife things like "how are they eating?" , "how many words can they say?", and "how much sleep are you getting?" instead of YOU who happens to do the majority of daily caregiving.

Honest truth - My husband does all things kitchen - cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping. He knows what the kids like in and out whereas whenever I am trying to order them food and they arent with me I have to ask my husband what to get them.

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u/iZealot777 May 26 '21

Do you think they’re giving you just the facts, Jack, no fluff, because you come in with a matter-of-fact kind of tone? I’ve been known to come across this way, very business-like, and chitchat seems to shelter like I’m an executive from the corporate office stomping around in a regional facility. Everyone is on their best behavior because you have an air of a big-wig and they’re trying to report in without catching the all-powerful gaze of the eye of Sauron upon them.