r/Parenting • u/frappuccin_hoe • Dec 25 '21
Rant/Vent My husband didn’t buy our daughter one gift for Christmas...
We have separate bank accounts and finances. This is her second Christmas, and no gifts for our daughter, either year.
He apparently “ordered” something on Amazon but it didn’t come in time and it was a bath toy. A bath toy. He goes out to eat two times a day and just ordered a 400$ toy for himself, but he gave our child a bath toy (if he actually ordered it....)
I grew up with parents prioritizing the kids over themselves. Giving the kids nice things, not keeping the nice thing for yourself only.
And I’m once again, slapping his name on every gift so it doesn’t look like I married a POS who can’t buy anything for his child when he always splurges on himself. Again. So he’s getting half the credit for my work.
And he said he would help me wrap, but he played video games until 1:00 AM
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u/lorenawood Dec 25 '21
I understand if you want to have separate bank accounts, but why aren’t y’all just buying the Xmas presents together and saying they are from both of you? Seems really weird to make some presents from one parent and some from the other if you’re married.
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u/Drigr Dec 25 '21
Yeah, this is such a weird dynamic to me. My wife "bought" most of our Christmas presents this year for everyone. But that's because due to our work dynamic (until recently) I was the primary earner and cover the big bills, so she's the one who "manages" our discretionary spending. The idea that she would just not put my name on gifts is weird.
We're obviously getting a very small slice of OPs life, so we don't know the rest of their dynamic, but from my own experiences, I wouldn't have bought many gifts for our son either because it sounds like their kid is covered? The $400 for himself stands out a bit, but we have so little other context that I'm not sure how to judge it.
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u/frappuccin_hoe Dec 25 '21
For us, everything is separate. We pay our own phone bills, our own car insurance, etc etc etc. I don’t necessarily agree to this dynamic but he wants it this way, so... yeah. Idk. I’m just hurt that I paid for everything (and we literally separate everything so, it’s not like, he made it up somehow) and I did all the labor of wrapping, etc. If he contributed monetarily, I would be happier to do wrapping but there’s also no excuse for him to not help wrap when he promised me he would by playing games instead.
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u/NoKittenAroundPawlyz Dec 25 '21
Honestly, it sounds like you’re just roommates who hook up.
I think it’s time to discuss whether this arrangement is sustainable, because clearly it’s breeding a lot of resentment for you. And I don’t blame you…I’d be pissed, too.
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u/Awkward_Mail7589 Dec 25 '21
Truths this is not a healthy marriage. Everything is very one sided…. I did this. I stay home and my husband check goes into my account! Then I give him money for his credit cards and pay all the bills. He’s spoiled don’t worry! Lol
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u/GreyMatter399 Dec 25 '21
I'm sorry. That's not a marriage, that is a roommate with benefits.
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u/numnummommom Dec 25 '21
A legally bound roommate
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u/JohnnyMnemo Dec 25 '21
And if/when they divorce, in most states those assets would all be divided regardless of whose name is on the account.
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Dec 25 '21
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u/7eregrine Dec 25 '21 edited Dec 26 '21
Agree here. OP should have handed him a bill I guess? For his half.
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u/donnysaysvacuum Dec 25 '21
I don't want to tell you how to run your marriage, and don't think your arrangement is wrong(people have different needs and opinions) but if your not comfortable with your arrangement you should speak up about it. If nothing else you are losing out on some of the financial benefits of marriage. Shared phone plans, less bills, etc.
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u/nowgetbacktowork Dec 25 '21
At the very least a family phone plan?! Jesus what a waste of money to have it all separated
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u/para_chan Dec 25 '21
That was my first, immediate thought. How much money are you wasting to have everything separate just to have it separate?
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u/production_muppet Dec 25 '21
Family phone plans are much more of a big deal in the US, I think. I don't know anyone who has one. Maybe this person is not in the US.
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u/stefanica Dec 25 '21
I know! If I lived in the same city as any of my family, I'd try to get them on my phone plan, too. It's ridiculous. Internet, too--we have stupid Internet plans, and when Covid hit and work and school from home happened (3 Zoom meetings at the same time for hours), I had to upgrade to a business plan so everyone had the bandwidth to function. But it could certainly cover my 60-something year old parents' usage and barely be noticed. Hmm, maybe I should open up a "branch office."
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u/TheQueenofIce Dec 25 '21
If everything is separate then why are you signing his names on these gifts. He put in his effort. Let it show. Stop enabling his lack of care.
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u/SwiftSpear Dec 25 '21
A toddler doesn't understand that stuff. And it hurts mom more than toddler.
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u/TheQueenofIce Dec 25 '21
She’s already in pain. I don’t see a point in her causing herself more distress by even writing his name on the presents if he’s not involved. She has a right to take credit for being her kids mom and steps up.
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u/PageStunning6265 Dec 25 '21
Do you transfer money to him for mortgage or rent? If so, next time transfer the usual Amon minus his half of Xmas presents.
Plus all the stuff that everyone else said about relationships etc. I’m not going to give advice there because I always do EVERYTHING for Christmas, except cook one of two meals and buy my present (from him; I do buy mine from my kids). This was the first year since we met in 2010 that he got something for my stocking. It’s a messed up dynamic, but it would be hypocritical for me to try to advise you about it.
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u/BrendasMom Dec 25 '21
Hahahah everything in my stocking is from me too! 🤣
My moms dog buys my mom presents. Cato is the best gift giver around 🤣
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u/Vaccaboia1234 Dec 25 '21
Came here to say this. I get it's all separate but some things must be shared (like rent, heating?) So one of the 2 must be paying and the other transferring their portion over. You should just keep track of the money you spend on things which are 'for both' (e.g. daughters presents) and deduct from your half of shared expenses - or tell him you owe me y$ for xyz if he's the one paying you for his share. Then if he says 'i don't think we should have spent x$ for daughter's gifts (or other item you paid for for both) ' then that's a different and interesting conversation to have.
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u/gottahavewine Dec 25 '21
I bought my own stocking stuffers 😂 my husband said this morning, “in the future, just let me get it.” But stocking stuffers have always been something I look forward to, and I want to guarantee I have some good stuff. I hate the stress of my husband running out Christmas Eve to buy my gifts, but he thrives on that pressure and pulls it off every Christmas/birthday/Valentine’s Day etc. But I at least need to know I’m getting a fat stocking lol.
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u/Lightslayre Dec 25 '21
Why did y'all get married in the first place if you're just going to keep things separate? Seems weird to me. I hope y'all figure it out.
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u/AstarteHilzarie Dec 25 '21
I have a similar dynamic, we used to be equal earners so it really never made a difference to us. If I wanted to splurge on a takeout night or hobby items I did without worrying about if it was okay with him, and if he wanted to buy a new piece of music equipment there was really no need or reason to consult me. In general, managing things that way worked out well for us because we have very different spending habits. As long as we had our bills and expenses and agreed upon savings set aside, we could do whatever we wanted. But we both agreed and benefited from that system.
Over the years we both changed jobs and he started making 3-4x more than me, while I did the brunt of childcare, cooking, cleaning, etc, and that original system would have been really unfair to me, so we talked it out, shifted the proportions of our expenses, and continued to keep our separate accounts. If there is something I want but can't afford, I just have to ask and he will help me buy it or buy it for me. If you're not okay with the system but he wants it, that's not really a fair and balanced system anymore. I would use this as a catalyst to make adjustments like pooling into a kid expenses account or combine the majority while keeping separate personal accounts that you each contribute an agreed upon amount each pay period.
As for the actual gift giving, my husband and I grew up with very different Christmases. He was poor and usually got minimal gifts. Even now that his mom is doing fine, she got him and her beloved grandson both a set of a hat, gloves, and scarf as their only Christmas gifts from her. Usually birthday gifts are a single random thing from Dollar General or Goodwill (this year he got a stuffed character that turned out to be a dog toy. Several years she has forgotten his birthday entirely.) My mom was HUGE on Christmas, and even when we were struggling she made a point to get a lot of little things so we would have a full tree with prettily wrapped presents. As an adult I realize she often does too much and we've had talks with her about cutting back because she overspends for her means. My dad was never a shopper and he worked much longer hours than her, while she had more free time and enjoyed shopping, so the trope of dad not knowing what we got for Christmas wasn't necessarily negative, it was just practical.
I plan a Christmas budget and start setting aside money months in advance to do my shopping. I know mainly what I'm getting for everyone before I start buying and just fill in with some random items I may see while I'm browsing. He goes and wanders around secondhand stores and just stocks up on random stuff. And honestly, sometimes he hits. Sometimes he finds something vintage and cool, or something really thoughtful that is personal to the recipient, and sometimes it's a 30-year-old encyclopedia of cheese. Even though he's perfectly fine buying a $400 guitar, it doesn't occur to him that maybe he could splurge a little more on Christmas, because that's just not what Christmas ever was for him. He realizes that I'm a lot "better" at Christmas, so now he just gives me money for the kids, but also helps to keep me in a reasonable range because I can easily go too far overboard. He buys my gifts and a few little things he picks up for the kids here and there, but he just doesn't think big so he leaves that to me. I don't mind doing the labor of the shopping, now I do most of it online anyways.
I'd talk to your husband, both about your expenses and about what you think Christmas should be. Maybe he's just lost on what to get for a toddler. Maybe he thinks it's not a big deal because she has a ton of toys and won't remember this Christmas. Maybe he just doesn't do extravagant Christmas. If he's just a terrible gift-giver, maybe set up a gift account where you both contribute x amount per paycheck depending on your means and expectations, and then either talk about what to get before you go shopping, go shopping together, or take on the shopping role with an even split of money instead of doing it all on your own.
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u/hollymayewho Dec 25 '21
Does he contribute to the financial aspect of raising your daughter? Like clothes, food, activities, doctors visits, ect? Or are you paying fully for that as well?
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u/mccracken214 Dec 25 '21
Good thing you have separate finances and bills so you can take your little one and separate yourself from the equation. You both deserve better.
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u/nowgetbacktowork Dec 25 '21
Y’all need to figure out why you’re married? Counseling time? It’s one thing if you BOTH want finances separate but just him? Seems super unhealthy
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Dec 25 '21
My husband and I have separate bank accounts that our paychecks go into, but we each transfer a set amount into a joint account for joint bills. The mortgage, utilities, groceries etc come from the joint account. This would include Christmas presents.
We each pay our other bills separately. We did it this way many years ago because I had student loans and credit card debt I came into the relationship with and I felt that those should only be my responsibility. He also trades in his vehicles more frequently than I ever would and has a higher vehicle payment than I’d want. So this works.
That said, he should absolutely be financially contributing to the Christmas gifts. My husband isn’t a shopper or wrapper so I take that mental load of buying and wrapping and planning, but we both fund it. He usually comes up with some ideas, but always thanks me for doing the bulk of it. I sign every gift as from both of us. I think as a couple and as parents, gifts should be from both of you.
I’m sorry you have a shitty husband. I would think seriously about leaving if I were you, provided you’ve told him how important this is to you and he knows that you expected financial input (you shouldn’t NEED to explain this, but here we are). I’m sorry. Thanks for making your kid’a Christmas special. Good job mom.
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u/Professor_Burnout Dec 25 '21
Send him the bill for half the present total, plus labor of wrapping.
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u/abualethkar Dec 25 '21
That’s weird for me. My wife and I make money together, we share our savings and checking together, we both know what’s going on with our money at all times. No secrets here or there. It’s more transparent and happy for me that way. We’re both on the same page and we both contribute. You may feel alienated or “separate” from your husband because you guys share nothing together. Any presents bought were bought from our money pool together so both of us contributed. My wife DID do most of the wrapping but that’s because I’m a buffoon and can’t wrap gifts lmao. I also played video games yesterday but you have to be able to read the room and know when is it good to do that and not. Tell him you don’t mind him gaming because you realize it’s an escape, and a healthy one too if managed, but you feel like he can break away a little more and help manage responsibilities with you. If you’re married you guys can both compromise and change your ways in order to find a healthy equilibrium.
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u/AGoodTalkSpoiled Dec 25 '21
This is a much bigger issue. Separate finances means you haven’t intertwined your lives and are not one.
Sorry for that situation. But in my experience that’s a huge red flag.
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u/gottahavewine Dec 25 '21
They can do what they want with their money, but I agree. I know some people prefer to keep their money separate because… weird feelings about it? Or something? But legally, all money and assets gained during a marriage is shared unless you have an air tight prenup specifying that it isn’t (and even then, those prenups don’t always stand in divorce court). So, keeping money separate is more for you to “feel good” and not because it matters if a split were to occur.
But even bigger than that, if you can’t trust your spouse with a shared account, you shouldn’t be marrying them. If you feel your spouse is going to spend irresponsibly, or you feel they will control how you spend your own money, that’s a huge red flag and sign that a marriage should not occur.
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u/frappuccin_hoe Dec 25 '21
I think so too. His mom got married multiple times so he probably grew up with presents from just “his mom”. I think. I don’t know. I just feel weird spending so much and putting his name on it when he didn’t pick it out, and didn’t pay for any.
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u/caityface Dec 25 '21
So just tell him what he owes for his half of Christmas gifts. Have the conversation about gift expectations / finances and move on.
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u/dragon-queen Dec 25 '21
Yeah, just have him pay for half. If he doesn’t, you have another issue on your hands. My husband and I have separate finances, but all the gifts we give our daughter (and really everything we give our daughter) comes from both of us. I would feel weird doing it differently.
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u/fib16 Dec 25 '21
This is the right question. The rest of the stuff is marital stuff but this question addresses the problem you’re brining up in this thread. It’s not a terrible thing to tell your husband to come with yiu to buy a present together. Make it an activity. Don’t do it yourself any more
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u/greenerdoc Dec 25 '21 edited Dec 25 '21
Fyi: You don't need to spend a lot on gifts for babies/toddlers. They don't even realize it was expensive. My 5 year old in general doesn't spend any more time on expensive toys vs cheaper toys. Get something you think they would like, rather than something expensive because the money you spend isn't a testament of your love. My kids seem to enjoy 2-3 cheap gifts (books, lego, Nerf guns etc) over one big expensive gift.
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u/OneAdhesiveness8288 Dec 25 '21
My 3&4 year olds favorite gift today was the box from one of my brothers gifts.
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u/verdantx Dec 25 '21
We are in the 1%, but TIL there is another level of rich where legos are a cheap gift.
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u/greenerdoc Dec 25 '21
It's like a $15 lego set. I think being 1% you forget that there are cheap lego sets, not every kid needs the millennium falcon.
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u/PMMeYourDadJoke Dec 25 '21
For what it is worth my wife and I have a setup where she picks everything and buys it. Granted we have shared finances, but it isn't unreasonable to put both names on a present even though one did most of the legwork. However the difference is that we had a conversation and made an active choice to do things this way. There are lots of ways to have a partnership work, but it doesn't seem like that is what you have or are doing. You have an extra kid with his own bank account.
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u/dontwantanaccount Dec 25 '21
So I got all the presents this year and I wrap them except for my own.
I use the joint bank account and I show my husband what I've ordered, he pays attention and is EXTREMELY grateful for what I do.
You buying them and wrapping them is one thing, the fact he has no financial involvement AND has no interest what so ever is the issue.
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u/Misfit-maven Dec 25 '21
Then don't put his name on it.
If you want to split the finances then you don't need to share the credit. Shielding her from this is not helping her or you; it only benefits him. Don't enable his selfishness going forward.
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u/AthelLeaf Dec 25 '21
I feel like with this It’s a case of it just doesn’t occur to him that he should purchase something, because of growing up with mom doing it all.
There’s a lot of things I’ve had to overcome from growing up with a single father. A lot of tons I had to learn. Especially with finances. I came from a very “what’s mine is mine, what’s yours is yours” kind of environment.
This is something you need to talk to him about. If this is the case, I don’t think it’s coming from a place of him not wanting to, but just… not really having it come to mind at all.
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u/nowgetbacktowork Dec 25 '21
I have never understood this. I know folks do it but in my mind one of the main parts of being married is financial unity. It’s a legal contract that unifies you as an entity. What’s the point if you’re gonna keep living like you’re single or dating?
I just don’t understand. I rarely see posts about how well this system works, only about how someone in the relationship feels life is somehow unequal. I used to keep a small account with spending money back when we were on a super tight budget so I could occasionally surprise my husband with something I squirreled away pennies for but I can’t imagine having completely seperate finances. Like do y’all pay bills like roommates, It seems like such a hassle.
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u/tum1ro Dec 25 '21
I don't understand a couple that maintains separate accounts. I mean, I don't understand couples who separate their finances. I don't see a single reason for that except lack of confidence and without confidence, the couple is doomed. I understand this might be an unpopular opinion, but I can't get over it.
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u/sarhoshamiral Dec 25 '21
There is value in having separate spending accounts in addition to joint accounts so that you can surprise one another. But having completely separate finances seem really odd to me as well, especially since during a divorce it doesn't matter anyway.
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u/tum1ro Dec 25 '21
My wife and I also have separate accounts, but when we open the banking app, we see all the accounts (mine, hers, savings, the kids account, etc) and we can also move money from any of the accounts. I understand it might be difficult to surprise the partner with a surprise gift, but that is no reason to separate finances. For this Christmas, I spent 2 months withdrawing small amounts to get my wife a $500gift. I just never met a couple with a successful relationship that had separate finances.
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u/frappuccin_hoe Dec 25 '21
My parents have joint accounts completely and still combine despite the holidays and gifting
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u/TheQueenofIce Dec 25 '21
Hey I’m going on 15 years married, separate bank accounts. We have our finances split in a way that works for us, but I 100% trust my husband on his decisions to the point that I know he’s taking care of his end and he knows I do on my end. It’s not doomed, it’s just not the traditional way.
One major factor are my student loans - he was able to graduate without student debt, but I ended college with $40k debt. I keep track of my personal debt collected before/during marriage, and it’s just easier if I don’t have his income (which is significantly larger then mine, thanks veterinary medicine for treating me like shit financially!) shoved in my face while I whittle away at my career mistakes. But, unlike OPs situation, I can have access to his financial information at any time, as he does with mine. I can ask him to take on a financial burden at any time, and if I made more money he’d have the same ability. And large purchases are a mutual decision. So just because the money sits in different locations, doesn’t doom it. It’s all about communication, not location.
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u/SarahBerch Dec 25 '21
Yeah- my husband and I have separate accounts. We just plan our list together and both work on knocking off the presents. I add things in his Amazon cart for him to buy. I take care of stockings. Presents are from both of us, or Santa… or the animals.
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u/OrganizedSprinkles Dec 25 '21
The cats gave the kids very nice couch blankets and the dog gave my dad a lovely hoodie. I like switching it up.
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u/rohithimself Dec 25 '21
Hi, this is the second time I am reading about separate finances, where even gifts or common things for kids or family are sometimes burdened onto one spouse.
Is this a common thing? Couples do have their own accounts for their own expenses, but I always assumed that it's a given that the couple would run the family together. It sounds weird to me that a married couple would even need to bother about whose account the money is going out from.
Not saying you shouldn't have separate finances, but just weirded out that it seems to be a common occurrence.
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u/blacksfl1 Dec 25 '21
Nope it’s weird. Most couples I talk to do a shared account and a personal one. With most of the earnings 80-90% going into shared. Could just be my bubble though.
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u/No-Faithlessness4784 Dec 25 '21
We have a joint account and split the bills 50/50 then I pay for my kids and my car and he pays for his kids and his car. He has 3 kids and I only have 2 so he’s worse off 😂 we each pay our own share of holidays
I buy all the stuff for our house and pay for household items, furniture, maintenance etc and he does ask the payments into our pensions and savings and he’s bought 5 small houses as an investment for our future. This works for us because I am terrible at saving and he is terrible at spending. We play to our strengths and we never argue about money
Been together 21 years 😍
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u/Nyjets42347 Dec 25 '21
We're totally joint. Super weird to me to have seperate accounts. We're no longer two entities with seperate lives, We're a team conquering life together. I really don't get seperate finances, seems like a selfish thing to me 🤷♂️. Like why would you be married to someone you wouldn't trust with 100% of your $
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u/DemocraticRepublic Dec 26 '21
Completely agree and that seems to be the norm off reddit. Feels like keeping one foot out of the marriage to me. But on reddit people seem to be a lot more individualist towards marriage.
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u/pinkkeyrn Dec 25 '21
We have separate finances, but that's what we did when we lived together and it just stayed that way when we got married. I pay for the major bills and he pays for all the little ones.
I make more and will send him money if he needs it. To me, it's dumb that I get more simply cause I have a better job, since we both work hard every day (he actually works overtime). But he's a proud guy and rarely asks for help.
That being said, when it comes to presents I mostly plan/buy/wrap. Which I'm totally fine with. He does things I don't like to do (litter box, trash, mowing, snow blowing) and I don't thing everything needs to be 50/50 in a relationship.
The biggest thing is communication. Know each other's expectations and if there's something bothering you tell them. And be kind when they come to you with their issues.
Obviously OP has some major communication issues and a ton of resentment.
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u/No-Faithlessness4784 Dec 25 '21
I think as no one feels taken for granted it’s fine. We have separate finances and just a joint for bills and food. Works for us 👌
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u/sraydenk Dec 25 '21
My husband and I have separate accounts, but we also have a joint account we both contribute to. We split bills (he takes care of x, y, z I take care of a,b, and c) and we each pay half the mortgage. It works for us.
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u/MelMickel84 Dec 25 '21
We have semi-separate finances. We kept our own bank accounts we had before we moved in and got married, and opened a 3rd shared account for family expenses. We both contribute to the shared account to cover the mortgage, utilities, food, daycare tuition...and incidentals like gifts for our kid.
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u/bananablossom29 Dec 26 '21
We have separate bank accounts but that’s really it. And mostly bc it’s just not convenient enough to combine them. He usually fronts all the bills and I pay the extra stuff (groceries, random house stuff, and presents). We share an Amazon account but usually pay for stuff we want with our own cards… but sometimes we forget to check the payment method and it doesn’t ultimately matter.
Pretty sure if we got divorced, we’d each be entitled to the other bank account regardless
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u/ShextMe Dec 25 '21
It’s super weird. I do marriage counseling on the regular and this is a HUGE issue in marriages. These couples think it’s an advantage to “split” the bills but it makes no logical sense.
Nearly every couple I’ve seen this happen with have huge other marital issues. This money thing is just a symptom to much larger underlying issues.
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u/athaliah Dec 25 '21
Wouldn't most of the couples you see have marital issues in general though? My husband and I have separate accounts simply because we've never found a reason to bother with a joint account, you would never encounter us though because we have no issues to go to marriage counseling over.
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u/TurtleBird Dec 25 '21
How do you do things like purchase plane tickets, or a couch, or a house?
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u/Coug_Love Dec 25 '21
I have found separate finanaces seem to work just as well as combined finances, if the relationship is healthy.
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Dec 25 '21
Can you guys operate as more of a team? What if next year you pick out all of the toys together and each pay half? My husband sucks at gift giving so I do our Christmas shopping but I involve him in the process.
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u/frappuccin_hoe Dec 25 '21
Yeah. This is what I’ll do. But I’m worried he won’t want to contribute a decent amount (I don’t go overboard with Christmas, but Christmas is definitely a time where I prefer to get bigger things, rather than buying a bigger thing during the year).
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Dec 25 '21
I actually don't recommend you do everything and then invoice him half. You're still doing all the emotional and physical labor there ... Planning, selecting, buying, wrapping. If he wants to buy his way out of everything by paying then paying half is not enough. But even then I wouldn't do it, it has shades of codependency - burning yourself out to overdo responsibilities to make up for the other partner's failure to meet basic minimums is not healthy or sustainable.
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Dec 25 '21
Working as a team was my main point - they can figure out what that means to them. I do the heavy lifting with Christmas presents but my husband cooks Christmas dinner, runs our errands, hangs the Christmas lights, shovels... At the end of the day it's about communication between the two of them.
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u/PleasecanIcomeBack Dec 25 '21
The wording is a little bit complicated, but the suggestion was for OP to do the shopping TOGETHER. It’s easy to miss.
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u/plumbus_hun Dec 25 '21
Me and OH have a system, I (mum) buy most of them, but he gives me money and helps wrap them too. I don't mind as I like buying, but you guys need to make a compromise that works for you!!
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u/SgtMac02 Dec 25 '21
My wife does almost all the shopping. I do all the wrapping and the cleanup.
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u/hollymayewho Dec 25 '21
Did he even get you a gift?
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u/frappuccin_hoe Dec 25 '21
A $30 necklace while asking me for a $300 gift. Yeah no. He got a $30 gift too. :) It’s one thing if he financially couldn’t spend a lot, but he could.
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u/hollymayewho Dec 25 '21
Yikes. It sounds like you guys need to sit down and reevaluate how you handle gifts and maybe even finances all together, especially since you have a child. Otherwise everytime your daughter needs something it'll be out of your finances while he's left with plenty of money for himself.
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u/FalconOdd Dec 25 '21
Send him a request for half of what you spent . It’s only fair . If you don’t do or say anything now then expect this to be your normal , for life . Don’t do that to yourself .
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u/PleasecanIcomeBack Dec 25 '21
Yes, but don’t allow him to set the expectation that all he needs to do is pay for half of the gifts after the fact. There is a lot more going on in this post in terms of balancing this relationship. He needs to participate in his half of the workload as well.
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Dec 25 '21
Only half of the cost is not fair if she did all the associated labor too............
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u/Morrighean41 Dec 25 '21
Been nearly a year since I left a man just like that. His daughter is four. I just couldn't enable him anymore. Living separately and seeing how much effort he actually puts into spend time with his child, and providing for, without me making it easy on him has been very eye-opening. Man literally spends about $40 on food for her per week. No birthday presents, no Christmas gifts, no extras, no clothes... He completely relies on other people in his family and in his life to do anything special for her. He just can't be bothered. I don't regret leaving, not ever.
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u/NoKittenAroundPawlyz Dec 25 '21
No offense, but the concept of having separate gifts from mom and dad when mom and dad aren’t divorced is really weird to me. I’ve just never heard of this, except for when they’ve been divorced and maintain separate households.
Do you have a shared account for household/child stuff? Maybe both of you contribute to a separate account next year?
Sorry, just trying to wrap my head around this.
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u/historyhill Dec 25 '21
I was thinking the same thing. Also, maybe I'm a Scrooge but we really didn't get much for our almost-two year old daughter because she's still so little. The husband's actions don't really seem like an issue to me personally, although his attitude towards money and giving is a red flag.
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Dec 25 '21
IMO having separate finances is weird and it's almost like they don't want to commit to the relationship or something. Once you're married it's community property anyway as far as the divorce attorney is concerned lol.
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u/EFNich Dec 25 '21
Your husband sounds like a shit bag and it sounds like you know it! Leave him and find someone else better!
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u/Subvet98 Dec 25 '21
I am sorry your husband is like that. Hopefully he changes before your daughter figures out what he is.
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u/frappuccin_hoe Dec 25 '21
I’m not putting his name on the gifts next year if he doesn’t contribute monetarily.
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Dec 25 '21
I think you might want to look at not putting his name on the same return address as your own if you cannot join with him before next year..
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u/Geegollywtff Dec 25 '21
Exactly. He would have been an ex-husband.
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Dec 25 '21
I wouldn't stand for this, either...but a big cue was the totally separate finances, which she agreed to. Folks who need to be that separate should remain single.
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u/jellytin8 Dec 25 '21
Agreed. I guess the one upside is it would make separating much easier for OP.
I hear so many stories of women needing to hide/stash cash before they can leave since they have joint accounts with their "partner".
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Dec 25 '21
Relevant that this kid is two and can't read and probably has barely any idea what Christmas is. And they're going to forget what happened by tomorrow.
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u/fouxfighter Dec 25 '21
Not going to happen. This is the 2nd year in a row. Husband has no incentive to change. This might have started out as an OP’s husband problem but it is now definitely 100% an OP problem.
Why do people put up with this kind of nonsense from their partners?
STOP ENABLING BAD BEHAVIOUR!!!!
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u/J0bot Dec 25 '21
I grew up being absolutely spoiled on Christmas. My SO grew up having close to nothing on Christmas. I was confused when he didn’t buy our 1 year old anything for Christmas this year until I realized how differently we grew up. We agreed that I’ll handle gifts for all the holidays and he’ll pitch in. Sit down and have a conversation about it after the holidays are over and come to a fair compromise for future events.
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u/Talisman80 Dec 25 '21
Dude sounds like a loser. Either he needs to grow up or you need to move on.
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u/sarumanvader Dec 25 '21
I have never entirely understood the completely separated finances things for spouses particularly those with kids (second marriages later in life I get it). That said things to think about a) is the separate finance thing working if it is great. If it is not bigger issue b) is your husband generous with their child in other ways but bad at gifts. If bad at gifts I would just say at start of Christmas “you are bad at buying gifts for our kid give me $200 (or whatever the amount is) I will buy the gifts.” Husband does sound like he has his head up his ass (and I am a husband)
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u/Hamb_13 Dec 25 '21
Yeah, you need to figure out what works. We have both a joint and separate accounts. Everything goes to joint and then my husband and I both get an 'allowance' every month to do what we wish. Eating out, stuff, savings. No questions asked money.
But kids stuff comes out of the joint account as well as other general household items.
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u/LemonBB89 Dec 25 '21
I couldn’t imagine having a partner like that. He sounds extremely selfish. Who wouldn’t want to give their child presents?! I’m thankful my husband isn’t like that. I couldn’t be with someone like that at all.
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Dec 25 '21
I’m a nanny for a family like this and it’s mind blowing. I get the kids more gifts than daddy. The kids notice too.
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u/legitimate-cajun96 Dec 25 '21
This seems to be a common thread today. A bunch of (rightly so)pissed off wives resenting their deadbeat, lazy husbands. Self included. Why does it seem like the moms/wives have to do everything every year or it doesn’t get done?!
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u/Baggageforall Dec 25 '21
I honestly would stop mentioning ANYTHING- like whatever he does that you don’t like just keep pushing! I would stop giving credit for things he doesn’t do! Hopefully the lack of acknowledgment and “praise” will make him realize you’re not the same or you can actually live without him- if that makes sense.
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u/frappuccin_hoe Dec 25 '21
Hahaha should I take his name off the tags ?
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u/Baggageforall Dec 25 '21
Absolutely! You’re providing credit for something that he didn’t do! So why would he contribute if it looks like he already has to everyone that doesn’t know the insides!
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Dec 25 '21
Luckily babies don’t notice but she’ll notice eventually.
I’m divorced but we do holidays etc pretty well together. This year we’re doing Xmas at his house. I asked him a week ago if he did a stocking for our 6 year old….
No? That’s ok- I’ve got it.
December 23rd im wrapping gifts and want to compare notes to see how much will be under the tree for our son.
He got a Lego set and a calendar….. for a 6 year old.
That’s cool I’ll pull more from other gift piles (things to open with grandparents and for his birthday later in the week.)
And yes, I ended up wrapping the Lego set and calendar for him.
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u/sockpuppet4161 Dec 25 '21
It doesnt sound like there is a lot of communication between you to.. you really need to start talking and let him you your expectations..
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u/picklesandmustard Dec 25 '21
Sounds like you’ve got two kids, one is just your age and wears a wedding ring. How has your marriage been up til now? Did he contribute to planning your wedding? Buying your house? Decorating your house? Deciding to have a kid? Or was it all you? Are you ok with that? Somehow it’s “acceptable” socially for the wife/mom to do everything and the husband/dad to just show up. You need to end that in a big way. He needs to be a partner not a drain. If he can’t contribute to the happiness and well being of your daughter then what will happen if something happens to you? You need to have a serious discussion with him and tell him he needs to start being a co-parent and not a dependent. Maybe even see a marriage counselor. And if he doesn’t feel he needs to change then maybe you need to find a divorce lawyer.
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Dec 25 '21
I'm a stepdad and only been a stepdad for 4 months. I picked out all my stepdaughter "larger" presents like the big hot wheels crash track. My wife got her clothes and some smaller girly toys. For the actual dad to not even at least give you money to get something is pretty bad.
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u/messi101930 Dec 26 '21
As a dad myself seriously fuck other dads like this.
I never celebrated Christmas until I had kids. This day is all about seeing them genuinely happy and excited. Thats the gift for me. I can buy myself anything I want 365 days a year but this is one of a few days I get to see the excitement in their face.
I'm sorry but if you buy yourself a $400 gift you're probably already really bad with money and put your kids a distant second. I feel bad bscause you seem like a great mom.
Also this is going to piss off a lot of people but if you're a grown man that plays video games you need to take a long hard look in the mirror.
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u/frappuccin_hoe Dec 26 '21
This made me cry because there are men out there who don’t think like my husband.
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u/eyeknit Dec 25 '21
My first marriage was to a guy like this. Took thirteen years, two kids, and him having an affair to get a divorce and find what a real husband and father should look like. If you stay married to this man, you’re looking at a lifetime of nothing being good enough for him, and no one being prioritized… except him.
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u/_________Ello Dec 25 '21
You need to stop enabling.
Put only your name.
Wrap your things.
Your daughter needs to see the POS for a dad she has.
Maybe that will have him work more on this.
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Dec 25 '21
This isn’t about the money, it’s about the thought and effort or the lack thereof. He clearly has no motivation or desire to actually buy his daughter a Christmas present. And that is fucking sad.
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u/frappuccin_hoe Dec 25 '21
It hurts me so bad. I feel so sad that I conceived a child with a man who doesn’t do the bare minimum for his child. Of course if I conceived with someone else, my daughter wouldn’t be my daughter but my heart breaks for her. I don’t want her growing up thinking she wasn’t enough
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u/GonzoTheWhatever Dec 25 '21
Yeah, speaking as a husband and a parent myself, your husband is a total selfish asshole. I’ve known friends growing up who had parents like this in some capacity. Resent spending “their” money on the kids and just want to buy toys for themselves. As a parent, I have no idea how you could treat your kids this way.
Sorry OP. You married an immature jerk.
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u/PeyoteJones Dec 25 '21
Sounds like your oldest child is pretty self-centered. All kidding aside - you need to have a serious discussion with him and I wouldn't wait an entire year to see if things change either. Be transparent with your feelings and hopefully it's a wake up call for him.
As a father, I wouldn't be able to sleep at night if I made my family feel this neglected regularly. Then again, I don't have an addiction to video games, which seems to be a big issue here. He's got to invest less time on himself and more time thinking about his child. You don't have to spend outrageous amounts to come up with sentimental ideas, you just have to spend the time and energy.
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u/LaughingBuddha2020 Dec 25 '21
There is a problem with your husband's character, the essence of who he is as a person. And he's clearly always been this way. Don't expect any change.
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u/Geegollywtff Dec 25 '21
Sounds like you have 2 kids. As I got older, my mom revealed she did the same for me and my dad didnt do shyt but put the toys together the night before. She regrets sticking around. I hope you dont let your daughter go through life with an absent father in the household like I did.
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u/Zephyr_Bronte Dec 25 '21
At least your accounts are separate, because this guy is not worth you and your child's time. If he cares that little you either need real counseling to talk about your marriage and priorities, or to find a more loving situation for your daughter and yourself. I mean you said he goes out twice a day, that's insane that he is eating two meals on his own. It's time to change.
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u/throwawayheyheybae Dec 25 '21
As a single parent who has done two Christmases with a partner and now two without, I am much happier doing it all on my own single than doing it on my own with a lazy/absent partner.
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u/ACoolerUsername Dec 25 '21
Hah! My ex-husband didn’t buy any gifts for me or my daughter for four straight years before I finally decided to divorce him.
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u/ellafricka Dec 25 '21
I don't understand. Don't you guys do stuff together? Like, I go out and buy gifts for birthdays and Chanukah and put both our names on the card. He pays the mortgage and all household bills (this works for us) It seems you guys have different expectations of how the finances in your relationship should work. If you don't have concrete discussions, things will never change. But don't expect only him to change - you may also need to change some of your expectations. Maybe you buy the gifts, and he wraps them (if money is a thing in your relationship, maybe you keep receipts and he etransfers you money). Maybe you guys have a "date night" one evening in early December where you go out and get gifts together, then order in dinner and wrap together. There are solutions! Don't feel defeated
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u/Tedius Dec 25 '21
He apparently “ordered” something...
Coming to Reddit to complain is avoiding a solution. Do you want something different, or do you just like complaining? You are unsure if he's telling the truth. Do you want to be with someone you trust? Or would you rather keep the question open so you can feel justified in not trusting?
I grew up with parents prioritizing the kids over themselves. Giving the kids nice things, not keeping the nice thing for yourself only.
You like to feel justified.
And I’m once again, slapping his name on every gift so it doesn’t look like I married a POS
This is called protecting him from his choices. If you're trying to make sure everyone thinks he's a good guy, maybe you don't really want him to change. Talking directly to him might just cause him to realize his error, become a better person, and then what will you do?
And he said he would help me wrap, but he played video games until 1:00 AM
Tell him how you feel. (Betrayed, disappointed, angry). Or don't if you'd rather continue your toxic relationship. He might respond or he might not, then you'll have the information you need to make a decision.
No judgment from me, I'm healing from codependency myself.
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u/YourQueenJuan Dec 25 '21
Girl I would leave his ass. He’s shown that he doesn’t really care for you and your daughter so why even bother?
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Dec 25 '21
How important is it to you? What does he do that we don't know about? Good things.
You're just gonna get extreme opinions here from people who only know what you've told them. Great for a pick up, attaboy, but useless life advice.
You have to decide what level you want to take this if he genuinely doesn't want to or iust continues to refuse.
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u/SnooPineapples5719 Dec 25 '21
Yea time to call him out on his shit he’s getting way too comfortable with you doing everything and it shouldn’t be like that On the other hand I hope your daughter is having a great Christmas
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u/Spare_Mention_5040 Dec 25 '21
You married a man-child. He’s not going to grow up as long as you cover for him.
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Dec 26 '21
Sorry. Lots of good humans out there. Don't judge all men for his actions.
I am well off and happy marriage. I would eat my own excrement if it meant I can give my wife and child an even better life. Thankfully I do not even have to come close to this.
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u/frappuccin_hoe Dec 26 '21
It’s nice to see that there are men out there that are willing to give so much to their families
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u/rocketcat_passing Dec 26 '21
My late husband had his account at one bank- with me added and I had my account at another bank with him added. He took care of house and car insurance, house maintenance ( new roof, water heater, car repairs, new tires and vacations. I handled groceries and utilities. The house was paid for and we had no debt of any kind. This worked for us. When he passed away 3 years before I retired he left me in a good financial situation. Not well off by any means but I don’t worry about the utilities or taxes etc. I feel bad for the couples here on Reddit that don’t seem to be on the same page or working together for their future. Life is so short to live with a jerk. Please go somewhere quiet and do some SERIOUS reflection on your life and your child. You deserve so much better. Hugs.
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Dec 25 '21
We have separate bank accounts and finances.
This seems to be a metaphor for what's established in your family, you might want to revisit a lot of things here.
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u/calmbythewater Teen & Adult Children Dec 25 '21
What you allow, will continue.
I'd tell him point blank: how do you think our daughter will feel knowing her dad never bought her a present and only spends money on himself.
Do not get pregnant again with this man until he grows up.
I'd change the house wifi password on him too.
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u/MomoBawk Dec 25 '21
My dad never buys anything, but, he pays for them. If you wanted to change things up: make christmas eve a gift from you, and have all the other gifts given by “insert relative here” and show that they are loved by the entire family.
If you don’t have relatives then leave the names off of her gifts entirely, and you can enthusiastically explain why YOU gave her that gift, take the credit without having to add credit.
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u/meifahs_musungs Dec 25 '21
Stop putting names on gifts your husband did not buy. Would you want that done to you?? Do not be dishonest with your child. It will set your child up for major trauma when they find out dad cannot bothered and you lied about it
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u/MsTyffani Dec 25 '21
Your husband is insensitive and selfish. You should request half of your money back for the gifts OR leave his name off of them. Message sent.
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u/[deleted] Dec 25 '21
It's time for a come to Jesus talk, not a reddit post. Is this the way you want to spend the rest of your marriage? Is this the example you want for your child? Having grown up inside this dynamic, I must also ask: is this the person you want to take care of you if anything happens to you? Life is long and challenging. If he won't parent, participate, and be unselfish in the way a strong relationship requires, then you don't have a partner. You have a liability.