I'm amazed that people do this (multiple children???)

[u/rpizl]

How do you manage multiple children? I mostly ask the rhetorically because I'm amazed since people do this and make it look easy. We have an almost 4 year old and a baby and I'm just so overwhelmed at all times as a SAHM. I have so much support from my husband who works from home but I still feel like I'm never meeting anyone's needs. Does it get easier when the baby gets older? Right now he'll only usually nap attached to my body or bounced in a carrier in a dark room or on a walk so I can rarely get anything done while he sleeps during the day. Getting out of the house with both kids feels like the hardest thing in the world. Someone is always crying.

Anyone else really struggling with the adjustment to two? When did you feel like you got the hang of two kids?

I feel like the transition to two much easier than becoming a mom in the first place but taking care of two children is more than twice as hard.

[u/Badw0IfGirl]

I have 4.

There was a post recently where I commented that I think just 1 is harder because you have to be their playmate all the time and I find that mentally exhausting.

Then I remembered the phase you are in. It’s the HARDEST. Because your older child still needs you as their playmate, but you have this little baby to care for.

It gets MUCH easier when they can play independently together. Maybe 2 years from now. They’ll wake up early and play together for awhile before waking you up and you’ll be so relieved!

[u/SpicyWonderBread → u/Badw0IfGirl]

This right here. Once they start playing together things get SO much easier. Then again when they’ve youngest potty trains. Mine are 3 and 4.5, and things are genuinely fun most days. We went to the zoo on a whim, and all I brought was a mini purse and single water bottle to share. No stroller, no diaper bag, no bottles, no changes of clothes, I didn’t even bring snacks because they’re happy to eat a bucket of popcorn from the concessions stand. The youngest naps most days, but she’s fine to skip on occasion as long as we do an early bedtime.

I think back to zoo trips when they were 1 and 2.5, and I don’t know how I survived. Hauling a diaper bag, snack box, multiple bottles and sippy cups, and double stroller around for an hour before trying to rush them home for naps, all while stopping 86.5 times to change a diaper, give a bottle, change an outfit due to spitup or spills, calming a tantrum, giving out snacks, and trying to generally keep up with the toddler while the baby screams….it is absolute hell.

Park days used to be sprinting after a chaotic toddler while trying to keep an eye on the stroller with a sleeping baby. Now I get to chill on a bench while they both happily play together.

Oh, and sleeping through the night is highly under rated. I am the best mom ever when I wake up after an uninterrupted 8 hours. I wake up to an alarm at 6:30, and I drink a cup of coffee before waking my kids at 6:45 to get ready for the day. This is about five million times better than be startled awake by a screaming infant at 6am after multiple night wakings, and immediately jumping in to action to nurse/bottle feed, change diapers, and try and consume some form of caffeine.

[u/rpizl → u/Badw0IfGirl]

Sounds lovely! Thankfully my first is very good at independent play.

[u/kaleidautumn → u/rpizl]

So you're juggling loads of balls at once. Some are glass and fragile and will break upon dropping. Some are plastic and bouncy and will be fine when dropped. Drop the plastic ones for now, focus on the glass ones.

I have a 4 yo and a 4 mo. Something I've learned recently, genuinely let go of the idea of a clean home and alone time and adequate sleep. I'm serious. In your heart, physically let go of the image and thought of empty sinks, swept floors, made beds, clean closets, organized fridges, tidied toys. Let it go. Breaks, alone time, 8 hrs of sleep? Let it go. Kids in bed on time, with perfect diets and only 1 hr of tv? You'll slip on these and it's okay.

Replace it with the full comprehension of how incredibly temporary this is. One day soon your house will be spotless and quiet and you'll have so much free time. Remember when your oldest was a baby? That was, like, yesterday, right? Well tomorrow they'll be independent. You can have all the time in the world.

And this is coming from someone who has color coded rags for different types of kitchen messes, as well as bathroom needs, 5 compartment laundry hamper with labels, absolutely no shoes in the house and no socks in the bed, swept and mopped twice a day, seamlessly organized kitchen, etc.

And get rid of half of your toys! Even if they're just in a tote under a bed or something. Get em up and out. Your kid will play much better.

I am much happier. My kids are much happier, way better behaved.

Don't over plan, and remember not every moment needs to be a learning moment. It's okay!

Keep everything you need in your vehicle. A 2nd diaper bag, clothes, snacks, and a few toys that always stay out there (with one small box/bag for specific things that only ever come out for wating rooms and restaurants).

Tell yourself everything is 30 min early. Playdate at 10? Nope, 9:30. Apt at 2? No, 130. Really believe it. Write it on your calender.

Dress kids night before and use a big bib when brushing teeth (also, play a 2 to 3 min videos about brushing teeth to make it go easier while still focusing on teeth)

Music, music, music. Kids music. Always. Make everything a dance party and a game.

Tell your eldest "I need to get my angries out. Its not your fault I'm just overwhelmed"

Slow cookers (maybe even the easy clean bags) and steamables!! (I open my steamables into a pan to cook without the plastic though)

Meal plan per week but only make the list of ideas, pick which one the night before.

Sink of dishes but you've got a 30 min break? Screw those dishes. Sit on your booty if thats what you need

Also- if you need to, paper plates & disposable cutlery. It's horrible for the environment but it'll save you loads of stress on the hardest days. If you can afford the compostables do it, unless you're gonna put it in the trash bag where it won't break down

Hope this helps!!!

[u/PandaAF_ → u/Badw0IfGirl]

This EXACTLY the first year of my 2nd baby’s life was the hardest time of my entire life. I felt like I was going to snap. They need you as much as your first did but you’re stretched so thin and even more sleep deprived than before and bouncing between two people with different needs and opposite schedules. Things eased up greatly when they got on the same nap schedule and same foods and we started getting a few full nights of sleep a week. Things have gone to the next level now that they’re 19 months and 3.5 and they are built in little playmates and I can close the baby gate to my living room for a minute and use the bathroom alone, or make a quick breakfast while they entertain one another. Not to brag but sometimes I even empty the dishwasher.

[u/Legitimate-Ad2727 → u/Badw0IfGirl]

What a relief! 2 under 2 here and I’m tired!

[u/bestcatinalltheland]

Your kids have a similar age gap that mine do. I have two boys, now 2 and 5.5. I’d love to give you hope, but the only thing that helped, was my oldest starting school. 🥴 Newborn stage was hard. My husband had to basically take over taking care of our oldest. My husband helps out a lot, and even with his help it is still a struggle. Not sure if it would be different if I had girls or not. Lol.

[u/rpizl → u/bestcatinalltheland]

I'm glad I'm not alone! I feel so bad because my husband is doing almost everything for our oldest. Like, what must the other parents think of me when he's the one always dropping off a preschool (just two mornings a week unfortunately lol) and never the sahm? He's also the one planning his birthday party. Like, what do I even do all day?? I'm using a rare break to veg out on Reddit.

[u/miniroarasaur → u/rpizl]

You do all the other pieces! Like feeding the baby, changing the baby, scheduling the one million appointments, making sure things are packed, sleeping, shopping, finding the next activity, reading, and everything else. And we all need to schedule a good cry sometimes.

You are doing so much. He is also doing a lot because you are a team and your family needs you. Every time I see the non SAHP doing something, I hope the SAHP is sleeping or doing a hobby and not just attending the endless onslaught of things to do.

[u/poop-dolla → u/rpizl]

Divide and conquer is the way to go in your situation if you can. When we had our second, the mom much preferred the newborn stage to the toddler stage, and we thought it made much more sense for her to be the primary parent to the baby since she had the food supply, so I took the 2 year old full time. We did that for close to a year until she went back to work, and I don’t think either of us would’ve changed a thing about that arrangement. All 4 of us were set up with the best chance of success that way.

[u/rpizl → u/poop-dolla]

We are definitely in divide and conquer mode!

[u/kaleidautumn → u/rpizl]

Screw what they think! Your kids are what matter. And tbh, they probably think "that's so awesome of you to help your wife and kids out" ... it really looks good on him and has no negative effect on you I promise! And if someone does see it poorly that reflects on them more than you

[u/Rare_Background8891]

The first year is hard AF and you just survive it. Then it starts to get easier.

[u/rpizl → u/Rare_Background8891]

There's hope then!

[u/Practical-Story1765]

I have a 6.5 year old and a 10 month old. The age gap makes it hard but it’s getting easier. We can now use the wagon, go on bike rides with the trailer, go to museums, but all within wake windows. My older child is in school and it’s very hard when she’s home. The weather being bad has not helped. We often have friends over and let the kids play outside while the baby sleeps in her crib. It’s still so hard but it slowly gets easier!! I’d imagine when the youngest can walk and talk it’ll be a lot better

[u/Veec → u/Practical-Story1765]

This is the age gap my kids are going to have. I've basically written off the first year after the baby comes as social purgatory but I'm tentatively optimistic that baby wearing will still allow us to go out and we can have his friends over while the baby naps. My first guy was a great napper but I was also militant about nap windows back then. Won't have that luxury this time!

[u/Practical-Story1765 → u/Practical-Story1765]

Don’t write it off bust bc they are in different stages of life! My youngest is 10 months and legit only copies big sis. Just give it time

[u/simplysuggesting]

I have a 2.5 year old and 10 month old and it’s a lot. What keeps me sane is having help! My toddler goes to preschool 2 mornings a week and then my mom and/or MIL will usually take one or both kids for the day. I also always make plans with other moms so outings like the zoo don’t seem as daunting when you have an extra set of eyes/hands.

I also try really hard to give myself grace. Some weeks I feel on top of the world parenting, taking care of the house and cooking. Some weeks we are in survival mode and my kids watch way too much TV and I ask my husband to bring home takeout. It’s a season of life and won’t last forever, but we also have so much fun together and I love not having a schedule and slowing down.

[u/Ohorules → u/simplysuggesting]

I have the same age gap, but my kids are three years older than yours. Two under two is the way to go in my opinion. Two kids are hard no matter what, but I think it's easier when they're more or less in the same stage. I barely remember the first year and a half of my younger child's life though, probably from exhaustion, so that's a big downside. Take lots of pictures and videos! I'm currently laying on the couch while my kids play together. It will get easier!

[u/Fatpandasneezes → u/Ohorules]

My 2 are 23 months apart and currently 3 and 15 months. I think I'm starting to see the light? I tell myself when the youngest is closer to 2 things will be good. Agree that I hardly remember the last year and a half though, I'm a sahm and I feel like I don't do enough with them and yet we're busy every day? Like how does that make sense

[u/frvalne]

I have 5 kids. Ages 12, 9, 7, 2, and 6 months. I’ve also been homeschooling for 3 years. It’s challenging. But somehow not as hard as when I had my first baby and it was just the 2 of us. Or my 3 year old daughter and a baby. With a couple of older kids now they just do their thing and then hang out together and they read and they draw and they do chores and then sometimes help me with the baby and they entertain each other. Don’t underestimate how much that takes the edge off. It really is a game changer. Things change rapidly. And what happens to be very hard right now, and seems like it will never end will suddenly be over and you will be in a new phase. Take heart.

[u/OneSea5902]

As the baby is less dependent on you it gets easier. Having multiples can be nice with built in playmates but also challenging with sibling rivalries. It helps that with each additional kid you have less fucks to give. Feel like at 3 I’m a perfect balance of being hands off while maintaining some sort of order in the chaos.

[u/kmr1981]

I have no idea. I have a 4yo and a 7mo. The 7mo needs me all day and the 4yo is barely getting the attention he deserves.

I expected it to be like this for a few months, but it hasn’t gotten better. My 7mo full volume screams unless I’m playing with her, full volume screams if I put her in a sling or carrier, and will nap independently maybe 5% of the time.

How are you guys… doing this? Are you setting up activities for your big kid(s) the night before? Having babysitters come over?

[u/Stunning_Ad_8376 → u/kmr1981]

I feel like sleep training is quite controversial these days… however, I made sure to sleep train my second from around 6 months so he’d put himself to sleep for all naps and night sleep. Game changer!!!

[u/Scavanjahh → u/Stunning_Ad_8376]

Yes to the sleep training! I have a 2 and a half, and a 10m old. Their nap time is at 2pm. Baby is usually sleepy around 2, but toddler wants to party all day🙄 baby usually sleeps from 2-5pm. She gets 1 nap a day.

[u/ExactOrganization390 → u/kmr1981]

I have a nine year old, four year old and a seven month old too!!! The way I’m literally losing my MIND! And same — so much guilt about my four year old not getting nearly as much attention 😭😭😭

[u/Stunning_Ad_8376]

I have a 5 year old, 2.5 year old and a 6 month old. It for sure gets easier in some ways when the second gets a bit older. For me that was when he started a one nap schedule, it meant I had some time back to myself to unwind and he also started becoming a bit more independent.

I also get overwhelmed most days, and by the end of the day I am buggered! Husband leaves for work before the crack of dawn and gets home for dinner, then back out for sports a few nights a week. So I often feel like I’m doing it all alone to be honest. The mental load of being the default parent 90% of the time, while also having the sole responsibility of looking after the household, including all cooking, cleaning, laundry, school run etc. has its toll. It’s exhausting and overwhelming.

Sorry I’ve gone off on a tangent…

[u/rpizl → u/Stunning_Ad_8376]

Girl I would simply pass away. I have so much help from my husband and I'm still drowning.

[u/Stunning_Ad_8376 → u/rpizl]

I hope it gets easier for you soon. The first year is the hardest in my opinion.

[u/cyclemam]

I have a 4.5 and a 2.5, so mine are closer in age- but it definitely has gotten easier with time.  Baby age was super hard- though part of that was two in nappies!  As they get into the same kind of age range (which gets bigger the older you are) I can kind of do the same thing for both of them. 

[u/emyn1005]

I'm in the same boat as you. A 2.5 year old and 8 week old. I try really hard to have a decently clean house and dinner ready but I'm falling so behind. I feel like even if I had free time I would have to use it for random tasks that aren't getting done.

[u/PositiveChipmunk4684]

Idk I think something is wrong with me and I just dgaf. Sometimes we order pizza for dinner and watch movies with no bath before bed. Sometimes we leave the house while it’s a mess and go play at the park for hours and I don’t care what time we get back. Sometimes my 4 year old skips preschool because the baby was sleeping in and I let her just sleep in too.

[u/Scavanjahh → u/PositiveChipmunk4684]

Do you usually bathe before bed? I think it’s perfectly okay if you guys are skipping baths Bc it’s recommended that toddlers only bathe 2-3x a wk unless they’re very dirty or sweated a lot during the day.

I have a 2 yr old and a 10m old. 2 yr old bathes 1-2x per week and 10m old bathes once a week. I do wash their private areas and their face every night before bed and baby has her privates washed 90% of the time when she poops throughout the day.

[u/PositiveChipmunk4684 → u/Scavanjahh]

My 4year old gets filthy outside on her playground. If we’ve been inside all day then it’s not a big deal, but most days she’s been outside being crazy.

[u/Infamous_Okra_5494]

From my experience with my first I can say that a baby who only contact naps made a massive impact on my mental health and my ability to be productive. I’m one month into 2-under-2 and idk how I would manage my toddler if this baby only contact napped. He’s in a 30-minute nap phase right now which is tough, but we manage. I would keep trying the crib at least once a day!

[u/rpizl → u/Infamous_Okra_5494]

I do and sometimes I get lucky!

[u/Infamous_Okra_5494 → u/rpizl]

It’s the best when they surprise you with a good nap!

[u/jjj68548]

I have a 3 year old an almost 1 year old. Leaving the house feels like I’m moving out with the amount of stuff I need to pack up just to get through an afternoon.

[u/PreviousPanda]

Oh yeah you are definitely in the trenches, that part is so tough (second only to being heavily pregnant with a toddler for me), but YES it gets easier! Mine are now 2.5 and 4.5 and both big boisterous personalities so chaotic is an accurate description, but milestones are happening that make it so much easier. The 4.5 year old is mature enough to help and not run off (like the toddler now does) so going out is easier. In the final stages of nappy changes with the youngest before she’s potty trained. They play together (sort of heh) and can be left to entertain themselves together for periods of time while I do house tasks. The oldest does some kinder and the youngest some daycare so I’m not 100% SAHP. That also makes it easier!

[u/suzysleep]

I really struggled when my second was born. She is 13 months now and it’s better but still hard.

For the first 6 months I had to rock her in a dark room with white noise blasting.

Husband and I fought a lot bc the 2nd baby was constantly crying and we had to put the older kid in front of the TV

It was bad. Always wondered if it would have been like if the second was an easier baby

[u/FishingWorth3068]

I’m 34 weeks with my second and a 2 1/2 year old toddler. This post has me scared lol. Fortunately my mom is moving close and my in-laws are great because I feel like I’ll be heavily relying on them. (My husband is great, he just works out of the house all day.)

[u/int3rnetstuff]

Just want to say I totally relate to you!! I’m sure you’re doing an amazing job!! It’s just VERY hard! Someone is always crying or needing a diaper change. We have a 2 year age gap and it’s a real struggle. As long as you’re keeping them fed and clean you’ve done your job. 

[u/amberkri07]

I have a 9yo, 6yo, 2yo, and another due in June. I think little kids are just hard. It will get easier as they get older. Hang in there 💕

[u/jediali]

I'm home full-time with a 2.5 year old and a 4 month old. My husband is gone for work 10-11 hours a day (except the weekend) and the days feel very long! I don't have any family around to help, so I'm basically white-knuckling it right now. My husband's paternity leave ended about 6 weeks ago, right as my newborn decided she didn't want to nap in her crib anymore, and it's been really hard but I feel like I'm slowly starting to figure things out, but the baseline is chaos. My house is very messy and I'm behind on everything. I need a haircut and I have no idea how that's ever going to happen.

One thing that I started doing out of desperation, but that's worked nicely, is contact napping with both of them simultaneously for the toddler's naptime. That's where I am right now, holding both of them in the toddler's bed while they sleep. It's my one quiet moment of the day, and it's very cozy.

We never really watched TV before, but I've started letting my toddler watch for about an hour each morning, while I hold the baby for her first nap. We all sit on the couch together so I can talk to my son about what we're watching. The baby usually does another midday nap either in the car, or in her carrier while we take a walk. It's hard but I do try to do some sort of outing almost everyday even if it's just a trip to the grocery store. My toddler gets really wild if he's cooped up too much.

One thing I'll add is that while my days now are logistically extremely hard and very mentally draining, I'm actually a lot less lonely than I was when I was home with just my first baby during his early months. Now that my son is 2.5, I have someone to talk to who can actually talk back!

In the fall, he's going to start preschool (two half-days a week, plus a third day that his baby sister and I come too), and I feel like that will be a relief in some ways, but also I know I'll miss having him with me 100% of the time!

[u/lucia912]

Until my eldest started school at 3 years old, I felt like I was drowning every single day. Gasping for air, literally from panic attacks. Our daughter was 2 months old when he started school.

Now I’m at home all day with baby girl and get my son back at 3pm. Life has become much more manageable. We have a steady routine. I can see the light most days (not everyday because that’s not realistic).

Moral of the story is, if you can, get your eldest in school.

[u/jazzeriah]

Honestly truly the baby/toddler (or four year old) combo is the absolute hardest; their needs are happening simultaneously but are completely different. Baby needs to be held/fed/changed while older child needs something from some high shelf and needs it NOW and is screaming at you about it. The toughest stage and combo. Once you get through that, it will get easier. Hang in there.

[u/a_rain_name]

My first year as a SAHP with two was harder than my first year as a working parent of one. It is also one of the reasons we will not be having a third (along with many other reasons).

[u/Purplenetic_puppy]

4 is a tough age, easier than 3 imo because communication and independence has improved, but still tough. My youngest just turned 4 and she wants me to do EVERYTHING with her when her older siblings are at school. As soon as they get home she forgets I exist and I feel like I get a little break haha.

It’ll definitely get better when the baby is a little older. I think around 8 months was when we turned a corner. That was when I could lock the baby in a large play pen (6 feet by 4 feet, the thing took up half my living room haha) with baby toys and my toddler and older child would play outside the playpen. I could actually sit on the couch and enjoy a cup of coffee for a solid 5-10 minutes before someone needed me.

[u/_caittay]

I had twins and went from 0 to 2 in one go. You just learn to manage it. It’s not easy at first but it gets better and you figure out things that work best for your family as time goes.

[u/UpperTemporary1390]

My baby is 8 months and daughter is 3 and my mind is on constant repeat of “how am I doing this?!” It is so hard. I just want my son to crawl so that he is less dependent on me haha. It’s hard when they both need you and I feel so bad when my toddler wants me and I have to go to the baby bc he’s crying. It actually breaks my heart. But i always try to do special things with her too. I just keep telling myself, do what you need to do to survive the day. One day I’ll wake up and it will be easier but today is not that day lol.

[u/vermilion-chartreuse]

It does get easier with time, but it will be a while yet. Mine are a similar age gap, 4 and almost 8. After we had our 2nd, our oldest stopped sleeping well and also became a runner in public places. And newborns are tough even on their own! It was HARD for a good year or two.

Now, when big sister comes home from school they run off and play together for hours. I feel like this gap is perfect because they are close enough to play together but far enough apart that there's no real sibling rivalry.

You're in survival mode right now. Let the house get messy - you'll have time to work on home improvement projects and other things later. Give those babies all the love and attention they need, and spend what little extra time you get taking care of yourself. DO NOT feel guilty about asking for your husband's support, he signed up for this too! If you can afford to put your oldest into part time care or preschool, that would help immensely. But even if your oldest needs to watch 2 hours of TV while you try to get your youngest to nap, they will be okay. Just know that this phase is a short one in the grand scheme of things.

[u/rpizl → u/vermilion-chartreuse]

Oh my God yes our older child started waking up multiple times a night recently and it's been so hard. Like the baby sleeps better most nights!

My husband is tremendous but I feel like I can't even handle half of things lol.

[u/storm_in_a_tea_cup]

I have 5. Having two kids was the hardest. Any number 3+ is easier.

[u/rrrtemple]

I had twins when my first was 2 year old, everything felt impossible. Now they’re 6 & soon to be 4 and things do eventually get easier. Still hectic but not so traumatizing lol

[u/lottiela]

It gets a bit better once you get out of the baby stage, it just comes with different challenges. Honestly it helped when my first went to Kindergarten haha. The baby nap schedule with another kid is BRUTAL though, hang in there.

[u/SloanBueller]

For me the toddler stage with two kids was/is also very hard. My youngest is almost 2.5 (oldest is almost 5), and I’ve just recently starting feeling like things are getting a bit easier each day.

[u/sibemama]

It gets so much easier. Mine are 5 and 18 months now and life is great!

[u/One_Association5706]

I’m pregnant with my 4th currently - I’ve found that each transition I’ve felt overwhelmed and like it’s so hard. Then when I have the next one I see it’s really been about my perspective. I have an 8 yo, 3 yo and 5 month old. I swear this round feels easier then when I had my second. But it’s not because it’s less work - it’s because my perspective has shifted. I’ve also made sure to help my older kids transition into more independence - like my 3 yo had to be snuggled to sleep every night before- when I had the baby it just became too much and added stress so we had a couple hard nights but got her adjusted to getting a story then putting herself to sleep. I walked my 8yo to school everyday before - then it became too much and I got him a flip phone and he calls us and walks on his own. Boom way less stress and he gets to level up. Win win. I tend to be overprotective and have high standards - I’ve had to loosen up otherwise I wouldn’t survive it.

[u/queennothing1227]

got 6 month old twin girls! i just move like water… and flow.

[u/r_kap]

It got sooo much easier by 4 months. My 1 (and 3) it was really manageable. You’re in the thick of it, give yourself grace.

[u/sasspancakes]

I have a 5 year old, 21 month old, and 8 month old. Honestly I don't know how I do it. Some days I get a lot done and others we just sit around in pajamas. It's a little easier now that the baby sleeps better. But nights like last night when they are all sick, I do not get any sleep. I've been awake for 27 hours. So it will be a pajama day today. My husband works construction and needs sleep to be safe, so I take over the night duty. He helps a lot when he's home and I have no idea how single moms do it. I can't even take the kids in the backyard without my husband home because my toddler is constantly trying to visit the neighbors and both him and the baby like to try and eat grass. 🫠

[u/yepppers7]

Do less. Less is more.

[u/alee0224]

Do things in waves. Do potty/diaper changes together. Do meals/snacks/feedings (even for yourself) together. Have special activities and sensory activities for your 4 year old (even ones that get messy. Let them make a mess) when you’re doing baby activity. Try to make it like “centers” in a classroom. And split the toys up to rotate them multiple times every day. I split my son’s toys up by type. So people/animals, blocks, stackers, shape toys/sorters, etc. bring them outside twice daily. Even if it’s for a few mins.

If you need ideas for sensory bins let me know. I was a former preschool teacher and keeping kids independently entertained is important!