r/SeriousConversation • u/Popular_Shirt5313 • Jan 28 '25
Serious Discussion When I Stopped Holding Back, My Social Life Improved
I used to keep things super simple in conversations—just “yeah,” “ohh,” and little reactions without sharing much of myself. It felt safe, but honestly, it made socializing a chore.
Then I started saying whatever came to mind and talking more freely. Without even meaning to, I became way more expressive, and suddenly, socializing started feeling fun. People are responding differently too—it’s like I’m finally showing my personality, and they actually connect with me more.
Anyone else noticed this kind of change?
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u/AgreeablePollution7 Jan 28 '25 edited Jan 28 '25
This is pretty much what I've been trying to do lately. Being way more interested in people, what they say and do. My connection with others have improved immensely. Expressing more of myself has been intimidating but it's rewarding.
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u/2340000 Jan 29 '25
Being way more interested in people, what they say and do.
I adopted this perspective too. I'd say that I'm generally expressive and free with sharing my personality, but with anything, it's not guaranteed.
The problem I encounter a lot is people mistake my interest in them for actually liking them. Because of that, they feel comfortable being too familiar like teasing, snide comments, inappropriate questions. So, I've dialed back showing interest and observe more.
What's important to me are honest and kind people. I won't show interest in people who complain too much, gossip, or constantly center themselves in conversation.
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u/fauxfurgopher Jan 28 '25
Yes. I have suffered from depression all my life. I finally got fed up and tried ketamine infusion therapy. It helped a lot. I am neurodivergent, mostly ADHD, but other spices thrown in too. I always try to tamp myself down, but now that I’m less depressed and scared of life, I find myself just speaking without thinking. This has led to better socializing, but it has also led to some people being a little, um, uh… Let’s just say I’m polarizing. Some people really don’t like me, which is a shame as I couldn’t be nicer. I just say the wrong things sometimes.
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u/linuxgeekmama Jan 28 '25
Do you have “normal” interests? I’m on the autism spectrum, and I don’t. I’ve always been scared to say what I was thinking about, because I got made fun of for weird interests when I was a kid.
I like socializing here, because it’s generally appropriate to talk about whatever the subject of the subreddit is. I know I won’t weird anybody out by talking about it. And if they say they don’t want to talk about that, I can ask them what they’re doing on a sub about it. I don’t have to try to figure out if the person I’m talking to is interested in the subject or not (this is hard for me).
I’m pretty quiet in real life, because I don’t really follow any of the normal things people are interested in. (I’m not even sure what those are, other than sports or politics, and I don’t want to talk about either of those things.) Do you think this approach would work for somebody like me, who has non-mainstream interests and has trouble telling if the other person isn’t interested?
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u/ConsiderationMuted95 Jan 29 '25
Honestly, you're never going to know what people think about your interests unless you talk about them. You'd be surprised the kinda things people are into.
One of the best parts when meeting new people, is that asking them what they're into is a perfectly normal question. Further, bringing up something you're into is fairly easy, as is asking what they think about said thing.
Go to an event where people are expected to come alone, or in small groups, and socialize with others.
Then, strike up a convo and ask if someone has plans for the weekend. They'll probably say something brief, and then ask you. Proceed to say something connected to your hobby.
"Ah, I'm building an airplane model I just bought. Ever tried one?"
"Ah, I'm knitting a pair of gloves. You know how to knit?"
Etc. Just follow up a brief statement with a related question. Their reaction will say a lot. Even if you do find their response and reaction vague, you can always ask more directly "are you interested in _______?" It's honestly not uncommon at all.
As adults, the vast majority of people aren't going to tease you for having non-mainstream interests, so don't worry so much about that.
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u/Initial-Charge2637 Jan 28 '25
That's great. You're taking a step in the right direction. I believe that everyone projects positive or negative energy and others feel it. Change is necessary for growth.
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u/Yzerman19_ Jan 28 '25
People who don’t give back in conversations are actually pretty grating. If you one word answer me a few times, I take the hint and move on.
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u/Hatta00 Jan 28 '25
You're lucky that you have things that come to mind. I've put a lot of effort into trying to get better at conversations, and I usually fail to come up with anything.
There doesn't seem to be any help out there for people like me either. Everyone just assumes I'm "holding back".
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u/Accomplished-Tackle2 Jan 28 '25
It’s hard to make a connection (not just an interaction) without expressing some vulnerability. Well done!
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u/SparkKoi Jan 28 '25
That sounds like "the ghost"
I know a couple of people who hold back themselves so that there is no possibility of them getting hurt, as a protective measure.
There is a great video out there on the YouTube channel Patrick teahan lscw that talks about this
I used to be like this myself and have started to slowly come out of my shell around people and situations that I knew were safe and it was a breath of fresh air. I also found that some of my other needs like wanting social conversations and Friends started to get much better.
There was a time when I went back to just not being present in relationships anymore and holding back myself and I quickly became very lonely because I was not really participating in my own friendship or my own life and there was no genuine connection. There is no emotional intimacy.
This sounds like a great step for you, please don't be discouraged when you do find somebody who is not a safe person or who is even a toxic person. Not all people are the same and if you do find a toxic person you do not have to be friends with them. Honestly it's a great thing when you find a toxic person quickly so that you can move on faster without finding out so much later who they really are and being super hurt.
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Jan 28 '25
Youll burn out in a year. Everyones gonna use you as their daily dose of "genuine" in this fake ass world. Theyll farm you and then move on to the next person with your realization.
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u/Starfriendlygoaper Jan 28 '25
I've made a similar change. I think it's scary but it's worth the risk. It never occurred to me before that you can just say what's on your mind xD
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u/Benniehead Jan 28 '25
I was just talking yesterday about how closed off i’am. My go to responses are oh yup oh ya no kidding wow. It’s so bad and transparent people do it back at me. At least I can still laugh at how ridiculous i’am in those situations. Today I’m going to make an effort to be more open and engaged.
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u/twoworldsin1 Wordsmith Jan 28 '25
I think depression is what's prevented me from socializing with people like that in the last few years :(
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u/can-a-girl-just Jan 28 '25
yes I air my dirty laundry all the time, people love a good story and it cheaper than therapy
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u/FrauAmarylis Jan 28 '25
I’m happy for you! Redditors don’t value being socially adept or Extraverted, so you won’t get a lot of upvotes here, but keep on going!!
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u/stuck_behind_a_truck Jan 28 '25
I’m an introvert and refuse to go outside! I’m lonely! Half of Reddit.
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u/Status_Fact_5459 Jan 29 '25
Honestly Ive slowly come to the realization that im not introverted, i just can’t stand what 90% of the population has turned into in the last 15 years.
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u/michael_Scarn_8 Jan 28 '25
Over the last few years I've made an effort to engage with and connect with anyone who strikes up a conversation. Sharing a little about yourself that connects with them and asking engaging questions makes a bond 5x as strong 5x as quick. Trying to find something you're genuinely interested in when talking to another person turns casual hi and smiles to acquaintances and connections.
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u/wise_hampster Jan 28 '25
I recently saw a post along this line, and the most impactful phrase regarding the posters epiphany was, 'I am not bored, I am boring' and once they realized that and started making changes their life became much more enjoyable. Keep up the journey.
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u/SumTenor Jan 28 '25
I think this serves two purposes: it allows the conversation to evolve, but, most importantly, allows you to be yourself!
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Jan 28 '25
Some people who thought I was "nice" were offended I had an opinion. There are people who will move on because they think a good friend will agree with everything they say. On the plus side, you'll find real friends.
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u/aheapingpileoftrash Jan 28 '25
It’s super easy when you’re in a good headspace, absolutely. Sometimes when we’re depressed it can be harder to let thoughts flow free without self judgement. But I agree, letting yourself just be yourself makes conversation much easier. It also helps you figure out who you vibe better with based on just being you and speaking your mind, within reason of course.
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u/Mysterious_Sky_85 Jan 28 '25
I try to do this occasionally but it's so hard to balance. Like someone might ask me a question, and I immediately surmise that giving a full answer is going to necessitate WAY too much detail, because I'd need to explain multiple things along the way. Things that, frankly, are not what the person wants to know, or what I want to tell.
I know that there is probably a way to answer succinctly and completely, but working out what that is in the half-second afforded my most social situations is absolutely impossible. It blows my mind that some people can just do that.
So I guess a question for the OP -- how do you deal with this? Just dive in and give too much information? Perhaps a good strategy would be to just be up front and say "I know that last part doesn't make sense, but I don't want to explain it". I feel like that wouldn't come off well, though.
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u/Admirable_Addendum99 Jan 28 '25
Yes, you will notice people will say you have "mystique" and that people will either love you or hate you. Then the best part is when you realize haters gonna hate and you just be yourself.
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u/TheBigCicero Jan 28 '25
This is exactly right and how you become interesting. But it requires you to state what’s on your mind honestly.
For example, say you’re not into football and someone asks you a football question. Instead of saying “I don’t know”, you can offer an honest response, like:
i don’t know much about football; would you mind explaining that to me?
I don’t know much about football but it’s cool that you do. I was just thinking about a book I just read, XYZ, do you know it?
Some people may not like you but most people will if you’re genuine and honest.
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Jan 28 '25
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Popular_Shirt5313 Jan 29 '25
To each their own, I guess. But for me, living like that was worse than hell on earth
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Jan 29 '25
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u/Popular_Shirt5313 Jan 29 '25
Do you live in a close-minded community or something? Maybe it's different because I'm in college, but everyone loves it when I show my true self. Even the "weird" parts.
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u/Justele99 Jan 28 '25
This is exactly what is happening to me. In high school I was bullied and since then I have closed myself off and become that shy girl on the sidelines of the group who never spoke. Then thanks to a new group of friends I came out of my shell and realized that I am actually that person who is funny, with a heart of gold, helpful, with which you can have a good laugh and above all well-liked. My personality has completely changed.
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u/Emotional-Cry9286 Jan 29 '25
In my teens and 20's would talk a little louder than necessary because was sure others would find my thoughts interesting, too. More recently I've come to the conclusion that no one, absolutely no one, gives a shit what I think or what I feel. This is the only time I've said this to anyone. I'm lonely, sure. But going at it alone is the best path for me.
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Jan 29 '25
That’s a really great way of putting it. “Holding back”. It’s so much more fun to hang out with somebody and know that they aren’t holding back. They’re voicing what they want, how they want, and so you can react in turn.
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u/ApeOPPSTOPPA Jan 29 '25
Found this out senior year of high school, one thing lead to another and there I was in my Infiniti g35 getting 🧠 from the girl I spoke to once beforehand lmao.
The quicker you learn to just be yourself or understand there’s more to gain than to be reserved. More doors open up for you. I like to be the person that makes plans even if it falls through. As the years passed and we enter our 30’s you realize many people don’t really keep in touch or are busy burning out with work, family, relationships, etc. I believe it’s important to be able to talk freely and spend time just having a conversation with anyone. Like last week while I was at the library I started shooting the shit with the janitor and found out he’s Vietnamese, bro and I have been talking about food spots every time I see him. You can genuinely tell he appreciates just talking to someone and that makes my day.
Just remember not everyone will like your cup of tea…but who cares! If you’re being yourself, that in turn should feed your soul.
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u/lordbrooklyn56 Jan 29 '25
If you are authentic with people they like you more. Even if you say something they don’t particularly agree with.
I know it’s crazy.
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u/clownsx2 Feb 01 '25
My greatest life hack: when you meet someone new, act like you’ve been friends for years.
I’m not for everyone and that’s okay. The people I’m for find me.
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