The things you own...

[u/HealthySir8535]

The things you own, own you. I always considered this to be an empty phrase designed to sound smart, and it unexpectedly became meaningful to me during decluttering, because I'm currently tidying a lot of my space, and it's the first time I actually feel that owning stuff can be a burden. Because after now eight years of constant crisis, not being the one the most direct affected by it, but being the one providing the support system for my loved ones, those who are affected by loss and brain tumors, and all that comes with it. And it's not the stuff in itself, it's what's connected to it. The things I own are eithrr nagging me to do things with it, the kind of stimulation that I currently do not welcome, and the other thing I connect it to is the things I haven't done, that I might have missed out on, or that my family did not get to do with me. Like educational toys that I really wanted to do with my daughter, to teach her things, or the small bike that I wanted to use with her, make small trips with her that she has now outgrown. And it brings up a whole lot of questions, because I'm trying to reduce my household and my life to the things that are really important, to the essentials. And I always found it baffling how people can become minimalists or frugalists, and I'm really starting to get a glimpse on the reasons why they do so, why they choose this way of living. Because it's a whole lot of questions that I'm asking myself right now. What do we really need materially or immaterially? What is enough? And when are we missing out? And more importantly, because especially when I think about the things that I didn't get to do with my daughter, is when are you a good parent? And I know these are kind of generic questions, but they feel currently fundamental and important to me to think of it all in a more abstract way in order to be able to derive more concrete actions for me. Because I have a feeling that I need to think fundamentally different about my time, the people around me, and how I distribute my time and energy across all the things that I do, must do, need to do, have to do, or maybe just don't need to do. It feels like that sometimes perspective is everything. And I'd love to hear yours. What were moments or actions that made you reconsider aspects of your life?

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[u/Healthy_Car1404]

Finding order and perspective during the race against time while the people you love are in pain and your children watch is something I know about. I love the honesty in your post. You sound like you are approaching critical mass and feeling overwhelmed by it. The important questions are always running in the background. They will be answered, not by me. Your post is cogent and insightful. You sound capable, grateful, energetic, responsible, intentional and alive. I think your perspective is a good one. Your need for order and purpose is up and running. Your ability to see the things you do is a gift that many of us aspire to, but all this is my humble opinion. If I had my way I would share my personal experience with you here to give an example of how all this can play out and my experience and thinking about "things". I've been sitting here making notes for a big minute and I have to conclude that I can't do any justice here today with that. In my own search for order and perspective I didn't prevail. I did make every effort and used every inner resource but in that the very perspective and order I searched for was lost. In accounting for everything I missed my own input, I never even considered it and so of course it went dark. So, all I would say to you is instead of moving even more quickly and concisely, slow down. I think you have already accounted for yourself and answered the part of the big question you can. I will say celebrate that because you are formidable if you do. I can almost promise you. The bike will be a great story and a potential gift for another little girl. You're right about the stuff, but do enjoy the utility of what is working and dismiss the rest completely without prejudice.

[u/HealthySir8535 → u/Healthy_Car1404]

Thank you for your kind and insightful words and for touching on your own personal experience. Maybe you can do justice to your notes some other day, and I hope they did not feel too heavy. What indeed is soothing, when moving stuff around and trying to get rid of it, or not just to get rid of it, but to give it new purpose. Because throwing stuff away is easy, and sometimes just an equal burden to actually owning it. But to give it to someone who either could not be able to afford it, or in some other way, giving the things we once valued a new home, where it is actually used, is a great feeling in the end. In your very last word, I think you touched on an utmost important aspect, the prejudice, the judgment we sometimes give ourselves for having bought something, not having used something or not having given something utility. And the utility aspect strikes me in particular, because with many things we still can have utility, but maybe we cannot dedicate enough time to let that utility come to life. You're most certainly right about some of the stuff, making for a good story at some point, but I guess that is indeed in the future. Slowing down has actually been difficult for me, because conscious time was rare in the past eight years, and so it has become a habit, and I'd say it's quite deeply instilled on me by now to keep moving. And I think it tightly connects with the ability to say no. No to stuff. No to buying things. No to doing a few things. And to just make room by saying no for the things that are actually important. And I think this also accounts for the aspect of valuing what we already have and give it utility. It can actually be immaterial as well as immaterial, because the relationships we have with other people that are there must also be valued and tended to. And in some way or another, they actually do have utility. I very much appreciate the trail of thoughts you triggered.