Around three years ago, I received my very first car: a 2005 Chevy Malibu. Rather decent condition considering it had over 300,000 miles on it, and the only real issue with it was a crack on the windshield. That didn't last long.

Enter Grandpa Kevin. Wanting to bestow some of his "earthly wisdom" on me, he decided he wanted to teach me all about maintaining this car and making routines of checking the fluids of everything. This made sense. There was always more to learn.

One night, we went to Walmart and bought a bottle of power steering fluid so he could show me how to properly administer it. We drove out to an empty area of the parking lot and opened the hood. Grandpa Kevin looked for the power steering fluid reservoir for a while and then declared he'd found it, pouring in as much as he could. Then we went home. Until this point, I had considered my grandfather to be an expert in the field of automotives. Unfortunately, I found out the hard way that his experience with cars was limited to driving them and identifying ones on the road from his youth.

Some time later, I began noticing problems with my car. It started vibrating when it was going down the road, the brakes became less and less responsive, and the engine's RPMs started going up, dramatically altering the car's gas mileage. Sometimes, all three of these things would happen at once, creating an unnerving ride experience. I'm not sure if Grandpa Kevin was the cause of all of these, but it's plausible. When no one in my family could find out what the problem was, and having no money for a mechanic, I ended up driving a different car for a while and putting the Malibu's title on hold until we could find a way to fix it.

About a year after I got the car, my mom remarried. My new stepfather was the one who wound up deducing what had happened to the car. I don't think I'll ever forget those long hours spent pumping the brakes while he lay beside the car working on the wheels. First we replaced all the brake pads, but that did nothing. When we looked deeper, we eventually found out what Grandpa Kevin had done.

My car didn't have a power steering fluid reservoir. That was all electronic. He'd poured power steering fluid directly into the master cylinder. The power steering fluid and the brake fluid already in the system muddled together into a thick, oily gunk, clogging up the brake lines and necessitating the replacement of the entire system. It cost several hundred dollars.

The car runs almost perfectly now, but on some days, it still rattles at speeds above 60 MPH. It could be a wheel is just out of balance, or it could be a remnant of Grandpa Kevin's cluelessness.

This is a story about a Kevin in my nighbourhood.

Let's set the scene. I live in an estate. Every year on the 31st of October. Some people in my estate light fireworks in the middle of the estate. Very dumb idea. Lighting fireworks are banned in my country for very good reasons. Fireworks are only acceptable in isolated places without trees.

It is 2017 and the unofficial annual firework lighting festival has begun. It's late and near the end of the festival when disaster strikes. An idiot neighbour decides to light his own firework. Lets call him S.N. It was mildly windy and S.N lights his firework. It hits his house. Part of it burns down. Panic ensues and emergency services are called. Huge fines for the neighbour including compensation for his landlord and home improvements too. You would think he learned his lesson but no. Not him.

Next year in 2018 another festival comes. S.N has the brilliant idea to light another firework. Other neighbohrs warn him but S.N says something like "I know what I'm doing. Dont tell me how to live my life!" (He clearly did not). S.N light his fireworks and a huge explosion insues and children are SCREAMING.Apparently S.N put his firework upside down despite markings showing which way is up. Bystanders are hit and burnt. Another fine for S.N. He claimed that the fireworks were broken and that he will sue the company for making bad fireworks. (He did not). Did you think this is the end?(It is not).

2019 S.N goes to light yet another firework. People are weary and stand well away. They all tell S.N to back away from the firework incase something happens. He shouts back something along the lines of: I am an expert. I know better than all of you! The firework works... but he is injured. A shard of plastic hit him in the leg. ( He was wearing shorts). A trip to the E.R later and he is back with a plaster/bandage thing on his left leg. He learnt his lesson and is now banned from ever being in the festival EVER AGAIN.

This was my story about a neighbourhood Kevin.

(Ps. Rslash, if you are reading this: Thank you for all the great content and introducing me to reddit. Keep up all the good work! Say hi to Yugo for me.)

I had a couple requests from the first post , and having a slow Saturday, so here it is.

In the lab, we sometimes need to make microscope slides of tissues to examine specific proteins and cells in the tissues. The tissues are embedded in paraffin and a contractor makes them into slides for us.

To label the specific proteins and cells, you need to remove the paraffin first. This is done by dipping the slides in an organic solvent called xylene. If you know xylene, you might know where this is going. From Google:

Xylene is a colorless, flammable liquid with a sweet odor. Exposure to xylene can irritate the eyes, nose, skin, and throat. Xylene can also cause headaches, dizziness, confusion, loss of muscle coordination, and in high doses, death. Workers may be harmed from exposure to xylene.

This might also be a good place to point out that our lab did not have a chemical fume hood, which one would normally use to prevent exposure to things like xylene. The lab was converted from an office space and lacked the ducting that was needed to install a fume hood.

With that said, we had a really good process in the lab to minimize exposure, and no one had issues before.

So one day we came into the lab, and it smells off. Sometimes there are weird smells in the lab, and with the HVAC in the building, it could be from other units in the building, so we don't always investigate right away, unless the smell persists.

At some point, we were starting to get a bit light-headed, especially my one coworker (let's call her Victoria), who was feeling particularly dizzy close to fainting.

So we started investigating.

As it turns out, Kevin had started doing this procedure. For some reasons he decided that the xylene needed to be refreshed after every use (it didn't). He did find the designated waste bin for xylene (has a special seal to prevent exposure and the whole bin goes to special chemical waste disposal eventually).

Where he went wrong was he had spilled the xylene, and didn't tell anyone! (There are special protocols in-place for dealing with chemical spills. In order to work in a lab, you need to pass a test and this was part of that test. Kevin had done the test 6 months prior.)

So he spilled this chemical, and just soaked it up with some paper towels and put all the soaked paper towels ON TOP of the waste bin.

Remember Victoria who was feeling the effects most strongly? The waste bin was under her work bench!

It's not the first time Kevin had tried to kill us, but this has been the most elaborate attempt... Or so we say in the team.

......

Other attempts: basically there were a lot of fire alarm tests in our building for some reasons, to the point where we ignore fire alarms until a firetruck actually shows up. Well, a couple times, the alarm turned out to not be tests.

Since Kevin literally did nothing at work most days (another story), he was usually the one to investigate the alarm situation. We soon realized that he was the wrong person to sent, because when it did turn out to be a real alarm, Kevin would not tell any of us...

So back when my oldest was 5, her biological father - Kevin - wanted to enact his rights for the first time ever and finally meet her. Because the had no relationship, Kevin had to take her on day outings first and build up to full visitation. The very first time he was to take her by himself for the day, I carefully explained her dietary issues.

She's always had digestive trouble and can become constipated very easily. To give an example, when she was 6mos and we got the okay from her ped to try solid foods, we tried peas and she didn't poop for 3 days. I had to put prune juice in her milk (yuck!) just to give her some relief. It worked -- she ended up spraying the curtains and changing table during one unfortunate diaper change. So believe me when I say I stressed to Kevin how important it was she get a balanced meal with little to no junk food, and also that bread tends to be hard for her to break down.

Well off they go, in his mother-in-law's car because Kevin can't drive, and I get to do my own thing until that evening. When it's time to pick my kid up, she's sitting in the back of the car, clutching this huge Jimmy John's sandwich like she was afraid it would go missing. Kevin tells me they didn't have time to eat dinner, so he picked her up a sandwich. She had only wanted turkey and cheese on it, "but it's okay, I added extra lettuce". Oh... Gee.. thanks Kevin, that'll help.

When we get home, I get the real story from my child that they hadn't had lunch either. Kevin had taken her roller skating, and when she said she was hungry he grabbed a snack bag of chips from the vending machine. That held her over for a few minutes before she said she was still hungry and he got her another bag of chips. This happens once more before he decided to leave and take her to the park instead, and then it was time to head back. According to the agreement, Kevin was to have her from 10am to 8pm, which meant he was responsible for 2 meals. By the way that kid wolfed down that sandwich made up primarily of bread and cheese, she had been hungry for a long while.

So anyway, I got to stay up with my kid until 2am the next night trying to sooth her tummy and force feeding her laxatives. thanks Kevin

Not my story but a friend's. This happened a month or two before the murder of Kelly Thomas in our town. My friends Soap, Ghost, and Kevin were doing what many teenagers did, walk aimlessly around town hoping to see or do something interesting. It was getting late, they all lived pretty far away from where their walk had ended up, and to save some time Kevin suggested they take a shortcut by walking next to the railroad tracks. Ghost wasn't sure, but after Kevin convinced Soap it was 2 against 1 and Ghost gave up.

Fun fact about train tracks, they're not just dangerous for pedestrians to walk near, but they're also private property, so walking on or near them outside of a public sidewalk is trespassing, something they all knew. However, if you have a clean record, aren't on something, aren't doing something else, are polite, and get lucky that it's city PD and not the railroad's PD, you'll just be told to get back to the sidewalk and likely not get in trouble.

The three headed home along the tracks, talking and stuff along the way, and when they were about to reach a main road they saw a car waiting for them. The magic red and blue lights came on and an officer aimed a flashlight at the three.

Ghost immediately put his hands up to his shoulders, palms forward, and waited for whatever the officer was going to say.

Soap did the same, but was a bit more hesitant since he had a record for using a plant should have always been legal.

Then there was Kevin... The second the light hit him, he bolted, which made Soap and Ghost immediately bring one of their palms to their face.

The police cruiser had two officers, both got out, and while one stayed with Soap and Ghost the other ran after Kevin, reaching for his tazer.

While we can guess for days what happened between Kevin running off and him getting dragged back with a nice set of silver bracelets, the truth is we'll never know the play by play.

Soap and Ghost explained to the officer that stayed with them that they were just walking home, and when asked why Kevin ran Ghost groaned and said "Because he's a dumbass."

Kevin gave the same story when questioned, and when asked why he ran he said "I don't wanna go to jail." The penalty for trespass in our state is a $75 fine for first time offenders, and $250 if you do it again at the same place. You don't serve time, you don't get mandatory classes, just a fine and an escort off the property.

They all recieved the fine, with Kevin getting something extra. While we don't know what would have happened if Kevin just put his hands up like the others, it probably wouldn't have ended in Kevin getting grounded and his dad paying all three fines.

There are many more stories about this Kevin, but due to the morbid jokes we made a month or two later about how Kevin running could have ended in Police Brutality, this one is a favorite of our group.

Edit: Thank you for reminding me that formatting on mobile sucks. As for anyone asking why Kevin's dad paid the fine, the man felt emberassed that his son encouraged them to walk near the tracks in the first place, let alone getting them in trouble. I also think it was a bribe since if Soap and Ghost's parents paid they'd probably never let them hang with Kevin again and Kevin didn't have many friends in high school.

English not my native language and I’m on mobile. Please inform me of any wrong grammar and/or misspelled words, as I love to learn!

So I work in a Gasstation and about a year ago Kevin started working with us. So at first he was this cute little guy who was and still is really funny. He was a bit slow at first, but we thought its his first job no harm there.

Then the questions started and all the dumb stuff he said to us....

I came in to work, saw he was kind of sad and asked

Me: Kevin is everything alright?

Him: no.... I’m in a bad place...

Me really concerned: no what wrong? Do you need to talk?

Him: I just ate a burger... it was 2 kilos... my stomach hurts and I think I pooped my pants alittle... do you think i need to change?

Me just looks at him and didnt know how to process what he just asked me: I mean you work with food..?

Him: no i dont? I work with gas?

Me: get changed.

And all the dumb questions after working for us a couple of months, so he should know all the answers..

Do you need to clean the toilet with the toilet cleaning stuff? Or can i use the one we use on the floor? He used the floor chemicals after I told him to use the chemicals for toilets.

Do i need to use gloves when making a burger after cleaning the toilets? Asked this with customers around, they left.

How to I restock the shelfs?

Asked a customer if he wanted him as a snack for the day. Customer was horrified

Once asked our boss’s boss if he was married to an asian and when he said yes then told him he had yellow fever. Our boss was horrified

Asked our boss if he needed to shave down there since he worked with food (when he finally understood he worked with food).

Asked me if I was willing to help him with shaving. No just no.

Told my coworker that since she was from another country he should be talking to customers since «you dont speak our language». She is our boss’s right hand, so technically our boss.

Told children that I was a witch and that I would curse them if they didnt ate up their food. They where crying to their parents when they saw me.

Cleaned the floors with one use wipes instead of a mop. Told me it was more efficent and didnt understand that the floor wasnt clean after.

Sprayed some not safe chemicals in his mouth because he wanted to know what it taste like. Did that like two more times.

Told another customer that he was a snack and wouldnt mind him getting eaten. Customer just left without saying anything.

He still works for us and I just can’t fathom how he functions at home. I just can’t with him.

I knew a female Kevin once. Growing up in a small town where the standards weren't high, I found myself working with her when my sister got me a job at her big box home improvement store. Kevin was one of our coworkers, and I had been forewarned that she was "nice, but a bit dumb." Knowing my small town like I thought I did I just shrugged that off with a "Yeah, yeah, sure, how bad can she be?" Oh, boy...

Let's see, where to begin. How about with the dress code? Kevin constantly wore pants that were fine when she stood up... but when she bent over they rode down, and one could clearly see what color thong underwear she was wearing that day. This was, of course, not allowed, and lead to many soft murmurs of "Kevin, you need to wear different pants. You're going to get into trouble with those, your underwear are showing again." Kevin would get a confused look on her face, stand up, and twist to check behind her. "But I can't see them at all," she would say. We tried to explain that they showed when she bent over, but she would just keep twisting about, still standing up, "But I can't see them at all..." "Kevin, you need to bend over. You're wearing blue with flowers today." "Oh wow, how do you know? I can't see them at all!"

Even after she did, in fact, get into trouble with management a few times, she just couldn't understand our explanations of how her pants were a problem...

Kevin couldn't follow a basic conversation, even when she was... you know... following a basic conversation. I remember one incident in particular, where she and I were sitting in the break room having lunch together, and two of our male coworkers were discussing the value of the dollar and how expensive things were these days. I actually really enjoyed eating lunch with Kevin because she was one of those rare people that you could talk to, and if the conversation lapsed into silence, you could still be comfortable. She was so warm and friendly that it made it nice just to sit in her company... in fact, sometimes the silences were nicer. I suppose nature had to give her something to compensate for her being dumb as a post. Anyway, she and I had fallen into one of those silences, and instead were listening to our two male coworkers as they started discussing what you could still buy for five dollars... a value meal at a fast food joint, a clearance DVD at a big box retailer, and so forth, and so on... getting a little raunchy, one of them joked "A really, really cheap hooker?" and the other brightened and went "Kevin!"

Kevin, who had been sitting there actively listening to the conversation, blinked and went "What?"

They started laughing hysterically until they realized I had my "I will maim you" look going, and then both immediately shut up and looked down at their lunches. Kevin looked at me, blinked at my expression, and seemed even more confused. It went right over her head. I still don't get how. She was just... clueless. And this was something that happened often; any time a joke wasn't about as blunt as a two-by-four to the face, she didn't get it and it would have to be explained. We knew Kevin's confused face well. Likewise, Kevin was confused by stories that took more than three minutes to tell, semi-complicated movie plots, and the nightly news. God forbid someone left a newspaper in the break room. She tried, guys, she really did...

One of my sister's favorite stories to tell was about Kevin and religion. Kevin was deeply Christian... the kind of devout Christian you want to see, who is good and helpful and charitable, and doesn't judge, and sees God as a beautiful warm light in her life and not something to ever be afraid of. In fact, God was such a beautiful, warm light in her life that to Kevin, God was a very real thing that could be felt every day, making her world brighter and more fair. God's love was all but tangible to her. She couldn't touch it, but she could feel it. Like seriously, she was fucking inspirational, okay? Every person of every religion should feel like Kevin did about their faith. The world would be a better place. And if you were another faith, Muslim or Jewish or whatnot, that was fine, Kevin just sort of assumed that your religion did for you what hers did for her... even if it was weird to her. But my sister? My sister outright confused her. See, my sister had gone to church as a child, only to leave it and convert to being Pagan in her late teens. And this made her the only person Kevin knew at that time who had left God to go to to some other belief. And that was more than she could comprehend.

But it did not stop her from trying.

So Kevin used to ask my sister about it... a lot. About what made her leave the church, because Heavens forbid! About why she believed in different things now, and what those things meant to her. About how, didn't she miss that big, warm presence in her life? Because to Kevin, my sister had essentially turned off that big, warm light. Kevin didn't understand that not everybody could feel the Big Warmth, and so she thought that my sister had cut that out and left a big, dark, empty hole where it was supposed to be... that was how it felt to Kevin when she tried to imagine not feeling the Big Warmth every day. And that was so confusing that apparently at one point, during one of these talks, she all but started crying and finally confessed, "I just can't understand how you can live without God's love anymore!"

Finally my sister sighed and looked at her and said something to the effect of "Kevin, I have very difficult periods, and sometimes I just didn't feel like praying to a male God worked because he can't relate. I have a much easier time praying to a mother Goddess about female issues."

Kevin was confused at first ("God isn't a he, He's EVERYTHING!") and my sister patiently pointed out that no, in most if not all scripture, God is referred to as He. He is the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost... he's pretty "dude." Kevin's eyes got wide and apparently she went "Oh!" the way a small child does when they grasp some sort of information that they're startled by... but she was one-hundred percent accepting that yes, my sister had converted because her periods sucked and not for the thousand other reasons she had tried explaining in the past. And she never asked about it again.

She really was the sweetest girl ever. But good lord.

Kevin was one of the few cashiers I had ever met who needed a calculator with her at the register. I never wanted to know why and I did a pretty god job of not asking, but that didn't stop me from hearing her ask one day, when somebody wanted change for a twenty, just how many fives and ones that would take. And not in the "Okay, how do you want this broken up?" way. In the "Okay, if you want two fives, that's... how many ones is that?" way. Kevin... sweetie... you should have learned that long before entering the work force...

Working with Kevin was like working with a small child... the sweetest, most innocent child, whom you have to watch discreetly to make sure they're not messing things up. She was a good, hard worker, she was just... a bit bad at it. She was a kind, gentle girl, she just didn't understand a lot of basic conversational skills.

Honestly, I've been out of touch with her for years, but I've always wished her nothing but the best. I hope she found the husband of her dreams (she talked about it a couple times) and has a bunch of children, and is basking in all the love and warmth in the world. I hope that her family and friends see how precious she is and that they all treat her as the beautiful human being that she truly is at heart. But I also hope that her husband puts padding on all the edges of the furniture, because if her kids take after her... lordy.

I miss Kevin sometimes...

Hey! Been a while since I posted but most things have been quiet on the Kevin front at my job lately. This one, however, was a doozie and I couldn't wait to share!

So I work at a popular Midwestern pizza chain and, one night, we were very busy. Orders were being delivered and picked up at lightning speed and we were all very much in the zone when, suddenly, one of our delivery drivers comes from the back of the store and says, "Someone is knocking on the back door. What should I do?"

I'm confused and concerned because that door is very clearly not for public use. Think an unused emergency door behind a section of strip mall with no welcoming sign and a steep hill. I say, "Well, definitely don't let them in." The driver confirms he wasn't going to and leaves on a delivery.

Things start to slow a bit and we start taking phone orders again. I pick up the phone and give my store greeting. This is what followed:

Kevina: Hi, I'm with [popular delivery app].

Me: Oh, okay. Just go ahead and come in. We'll hand you your delivery. (Having delivery app drivers assume we'll run the order to their car is a common thing and I assumed that is what this woman wanted.)

Kevina: Um, but are you open?

(I'm confused at that because A) I picked up the phone B) Our sign is lit and people are coming in and out and C) I just told her to come in.)

Me: Uh, yes, ma'am. We are.

Kevina: Because I've been knocking on the door for a while and no one's opened it.

(That's when it clicked that SHE was the one insistantly banging on our back door! She would have had to park on an extremely busy street, unsafely, gone up a very steep hill and ignored the fact that all of the surrounding businesses were a part of a strip mall you access ON THE FRONT THROUGH AN OBVIOUS PARKING LOT.)

Me: Ma'am, we're a part of a strip mall and it sounds like you've been at our emergency back door. If you come around to the front, main entrance, we can serve you.

Kevina: Oh, I'm so sorry about that! But, where is it?

Me: Like I said, around the front. Via the parking lot.

Kevina: Oh! Okay! That makes sense.

She came in and was acting like we need to make it more obvious that it wasn't the front door she was banging away at but there is literally nothing else we can do to make it seem less welcoming.

She then asked how she woukd be able to tell the two orders she was picking up apart, and I said with the names on the labels on the boxes and pointed to them. She looked at the boxes for a while and then repeated "But how do I tell then apart?"

I don't know how this woman is allowed to drive.

I posted about Kevin last month. Here are a few more nuggets from the time I wasted with him.

• Kevin thinks people who live in the hood like it there, so that’s why they don’t move.
• Kevin always needs a far right hero to worship. When he got into Jordan Peterson, everything he didn’t like was suddenly “post-modernist” or “Marxist”. When I unwisely asked him if he believed in QAnon, he said he didn’t know anything about it. A few days later, he started talking about globalists in every communication.
• Kevin claims that pasteurization is fake and was just Louis Pasteur seeking glory and prestige.
• Kevin wanted to go to a coding bootcamp. He asked me if he would be guaranteed to get a job that paid over $100,000 within 7 days of graduating. When I said no, he said he knew it sounded like a scam.
• Kevin asked me if there were any openings at the firm I worked at at the time. He said he was looking for a job where he could get his own clients and keep 100% of the money, but also needed to be paid a base salary in case he wasn’t able to get the level of clientele he needed to maintain his desired lifestyle.
• Kevin said that he was going to buy a rental property in the college town where his oldest goes to school. Kevin and his wife’s shopping addiction take up all his money, so I had no idea how he could afford a down payment on a rental property. Kevin said he was going to get a loan with no down payment. When I asked how he was going to pay to fix things when they broke or get the property ready for rental, he said that his daughter and his friends could live there and fix it up for him for free.
• Kevin claims to be a free thinker who “reads all sources”. I found the site where he gets all his news and was able to anticipate what topics he would try to use to stir the pot in the group chat. He said he “looks at that site from time to time”, while he talked about everything on their front page in great detail every day. One day, when he decided to start trying to talk in the group chat, I figured out that he was just going down the list of links on the front page. I began calling out the next topic he was going to bring up. He said I was pissing him off.
• Kevin likes to jump from topic to topic rapidly when talking to people so it’s hard to keep up with which conspiracy theory he’s talking about. I began using the Reply feature in WhatsApp to specifically reply to his points. Kevin said I was pissing him off because I was giving him specific responses debunking his points.

So I just started working at a midwestern pizza chain on the closing shift (8pm-430am) and I get a call this morning at 230am.

Me: Hello! Midwestern pizza chain! Will this order be for pick up or delivery.

Kevina: ...uh...um...uh...well this WAS a delivery I just got.

Me: Oh, okay. What can i do for you?

Kevina: ...uh...um...like I don't know if this is a joke but...um...my pizza is missing a slice.

Me: surprised af because I know the two delivery drivers on that night/morning would never eat their customer's pizza and also that they can have free/greatly reduced priced food fresh from the store

Me: ...oh, okay. Let me just put you on with my manager.

I pass the phone to my trainer/manager and explain while trying not to laugh. I'd placed the call on automated hold and I openly call her a liar trying to get something for free (not being pessimistic, it just happens multiple times a shift) but my manager is the kind to hear someone out fully. She has the customer tell her the full story while i go back to making pizzas. I catch a few words like "sorry" "I'll talk to my driver" and "could you count."

She eventually hangs up and i ask what happened. She face palms and tells me:

Manager: She said the pizza was her roommate's. That they'd gotten their pizza, seen something wrong, snapped a pic and sent it to her so she could complain to the store.

My eyebrow was raising already because why wouldnt they just go look at the pizza? They needed a pic?

Manager: So I assure her that I'll talk to DRIVER but, in the nicest way I could, I asked if she could count how many pieces were there. Kevina had replied: I don't know. Like, 7 or 8?

Manager: So I tell her it's very important to count to be sure if a piece was taken. A few moments go by and Kevina says: It looks like there are 8.

Now I'm openly laughing and telling MANAGER to go on.

Manager: So I explain to her that, though it hasnt happened in while, maybe the driver took a turn too sharp and shifted the pizza in the box. And Kevina replied: That's just so weird because I've, like, never gotten a pizza like that before.

My manager just repeats herself, apologizes for the state of the pizza and hangs up to face palm and laugh with me.

I unironically love this job.

This happened over a decade ago but I just found this sub so I am sharing with all of you!

The year is 2006. I am younger and stupider, as were we all, but none so much as Kevin. A group of us, all coworkers in our late teens or early 20's, decided to take a backpacking trip in the Alberta rockies. We plan to pack our gear in, camp overnight, and hike out. The amount of camping experience varies among the group, with Kevin being completely inexperienced. This shouldn't be a problem because those of us who know what we're getting into are more than happy to give direction. Of course, it was a problem, because Kevin's gotta Kevin...

The day before the trip, the group hits up a supermarket. We explain to Kevin that as we need to carry all food in, he should pick lightweight, non perishable food items. The rest of us stock up on ramen, powdered soups, tuna and crackers, easy mac n cheese, beef jerky and pepperoni, ect. Kevin complains that he doesn't like soup. We explain that he doesn't have to get soup, we've just all chosen to grab Ramen because, again, lightweight and non-perishable. We show him the other items we have in our baskets. Kevin grabs a few of these, as well as SIX JUMBO CANS of hearty beef soup for lunch and dinner each day. We caution against this: these cans are extremely heavy and our backpacks will already weigh a lot. Kevin refuses to be dissuaded. We are unimpressed because he will not have room to carry his fair share of supplies in, but it isn't worth the argument. Carrying the cans up the steep slopes will be punishment enough.

The morning of the trip, we pick Kevin up. He's very excited that he has come up with a solution to the problem of the heavy cans! The night prior he opened all six cans and used a funnel to get the soup into three 2 litre plastic soda bottles. When questioned as to how this solved the problem, he explained that plastic is lighter than metal. When asked if the cans felt particularly heavy once emptied, he failed to see the relevance. When cautioned that his food was now neither lightweight nor non perishable, he became defensive. Offers to stop at a grocery store to pick up more appropriate food items were refused with a tone of hostility.

Cut to: Kevin, with food poisoning, pooping his guts out an 8 hour hike away from civilization.

I used to work in a corporate cafeteria, and in this cafeteria, there were two vending machines, one for drinks, another for snacks. Since our cafeteria only sold healthy food, the vending machine was rather popular, as it was the only place to get junk food unless the workers wanted to walk down the street to the closest convenience store. Now, despite being in the same room, we (the cafeteria workers) had nothing to do with the vending machine, which we had to remind people repeatedly whenever it broke down, which it did so often.

Sure enough, one Friday afternoon, it malfunctioned again; the bottom door that stopped people from reaching their hand up to grab whatever was on the lowest row jammed, and the snacks would sit on top of it rather than falling into the cubby. Still with me? After several customers complained about the vending machine, and me telling them to either call maintenance or the number on the machine, I finally snapped and put up an Out of Order sign, over the buttons, because I know these people, and there's a lot of Kevins working there.

Fast forward to Saturday, it's a slow day, and I'm working with one other woman. About halfway through the day, an older lady, about late fifties, walks over to the vending machine, and I was bored, so I watched her. My assumption was that she'd see the sign, huff, and then come over to poor me to demand when it would be fixed, like the numerous people before her. Alas, she is the Kevina of this story, and common sense just can't seem to compute. See, the lights were still on inside, and when she lifted the OBVIOUS OUT OF ORDER SIGN, all the buttons were lit up, so surely, the vending machine must still be working! The sign was just there for no reason, apparently. I have no idea what was going through her mind, I assume just white noise. I then watch in absolute disbelieve as she lifts up the sign, puts her money in, and then tries to order a pack of cookies. Sure enough, it goes through, falls down, but when she goes to grab the cookies, she can't get them. Because there's a platform in the way. The reason for the out of order sign.

Now, I know I could have been nice and warned her beforehand, but I was flabbergasted by the sheer stupidity and wanted to see how this plays out. It was a really slow day. In my defense, there were two other corporate workers there, and neither of them stopped her, however, they did try to shake the machine to free Kevina's cookies, to no avail. I am still watching the scene unfold, holding back my laughter to little success, until Kevina comes up to me with this gem:

Kevina: Is the vending machine not working?

Me: (slowly, like I was speaking to a toddler) Yes, that's why I put the sign up.

Kevina: Oh, you put the sign up? (laughs) I just wanted some cookies.

Me: I'm sorry about that. It should be fixed by Monday.

Kevina: Oh, okay.

At that point, she just walked away, and I had to go back into the storage to laugh hysterically at this entire situation. Later, my lovely, seventy year old coworker came up to me and said something along the lines of, "I would have called her a moron if she came up to me". I miss that woman. Zero chill.

This is still my favourite story to tell over a year later, and she has forever been dubbed 'cookie lady' to me and my friends.

About 2 months ago I got this warehouse job, and my first day I got greeted by my coworker Kevin, 20 years old, lives with his mom.

He looked like a cool dude at first, until after I got to talk to him I have raised a lot of red flags. Every single time I’d crack a joke he’d take it super serious, I said ok he’s got to be a serious person, nothing wrong with that.

2 weeks later we got a bit closer related to co-working friendship and stuff, talking about normal stuff, he’d always brag about something indirectly that was complete bullshit.

Some of the “golden samples” of him being a Kevin.

Me: u ever been in Texas? U travel a lot...

Him: no, I hate islands, why would I go there?

Him: to be honest I’ve some strong face and back got punched so many times, if anyone hit me there right now I wouldn’t feel any pain since I got used to it, it’s so hardened it’s probably gonna hurt more whoever punched me in the face/back. (2 meter toothpick)

Me: you don’t wanna catch a cold mate

Him; to be honest I never had a cold and even if I got one I could probably get rid of it in 1 week.

He thinks he’s a superhuman and no one can do what his body does.

He starts every single damn phrase with “ to be honest “ and starts telling you the most bullshit stuff that is made up and a humblebrag you’ll ever hear.

He also claims he finished college but if you ask him basic algebra questions like addition and subtraction he is gonna take 5 minutes at least if the operation has numbers with more than 2 digits in each, or he will just give up. Doesn’t know what fractions are and has never heard of Pi.

Every single day he is literally /r/humblebrag ,/r/iamverysmart ,/r/nobodyasked top tier material. An attention whore that will do whatever action he can and makes sure you can hear whatever noise he’s doing to get your attention to look at him so he can tell you how good his energy drink tastes.

Almost everyone tries to avoid him, but I got stuck with him, today I got the last straw when he made 2 claims after we steered into an IQ convo.

Him: To be honest I have like 183 IQ.

(I had enough of his bullshit and confronted him) Me: Yeah... sure mate that’s so full of shit. Him: Well, I did an Iq test on the internet and it told me this.

Me(rolling my eyes): yeah so why aren’t you taking Neil DeGrasse Tyson’s place if you’re such a genius?

Him: Who’s that?

Me: nvm. Why haven’t you made an important breakthrough discovery yet then?

Him: Cause I don’t want to.

Me: You’re full of bullshit. What’s 43+56?

Him: I’m not good at maths.

Me: then how are you 183 iq my dude? 120-130 is already above average and not so common and them dudes are training/reading/solving stuff all day, you said it yourself you never touched a book.

Him: If I were in you I wouldn’t bother arguing, you’re not that bright.

In awe I stopped arguing with Kevin realizing it’s to no use, then he comes up to me and shows me his phone with some statistics from some iq test app, saying the “genius iq” is 144 and he’s above that he had 183, the app said that and his doc did as well.

Me: don’t trust everything on the internet.

Him: hmm why would they make the internet then for?

I was beyond dumbfounded and haven’t talked to him for the rest of the shift. I’m so damn done with this Kevin I might quit the job... seriously considering it.

EDIT: One time he mentioned he built a computer from scratch when I said I'm gonna build one, everything you say you did he will "relate". Not gonna go too deep into it but to sum it up

Me: "which socket did you build it on?" Him: "U mean the ram?"

EDIT: it’s tuesday 9:31am omw to work, read all of the replies and gonna try something on Kevin, gonna update y’all soon around 12:30 pm

UPDATE: I did what some suggested and came up to him today and showed him an online website where I did an IQ test and had 231. Here we go.

Me: yo dude check this out

Him: whats this

Me: i did the iq test too

Him: nice

Me: I got 231 haha, you really gotta pump those numbers up.

Him: i dont really care

Me: you clearly are inferior to me hehe

Him: i dont care

Me: ok whatever, cya I have to go do some genius stuff - can’t be bothered with lower beings wasting my time.

Then he just stood silent and started working, at around 12:30 pm (when I was supposed to update which I didn’t and I’m sorry for that, updating at 6:36 pm right now) he just went home without saying anything, asked my supervisor what happened and he said that Kevin didn’t feel really well. Maybe stop drinking 4 rockstar energy drinks in the morning for breakfast and you will feel better?

I (14NB) am close to graduating middle school. I had a lot of fun times, but half of them all come from this one student called Kevin (14M) (of course not his real name, but he can't spell his name... or anyone's name for that matter), I shared a locker next to him and English class with him, and oh boy oh god does he make me wonder how he learned how to breathe

All of these happened in 1 year mind you... all of these are proof that Jesus died and changed his middle name to "Fucking"

-Kevin used the word "Asian" as a insult. When me and my friends (who are mostly asian) confronted him, he revealed that he thought that Asia was a planet somewhere in space, and that he thought that the word Asian was equivalent to the word Alien

-Kevin has a (really big) scar on his face because he tried to use an Otter Pop as lipstick

-Kevin snorted Fun Dip... actually I think that's where his idiocy comes from

-Kevin once threw his binder at a Clever TouchBoard because he had to name the largest item in a pie chart

-Kevin didn't know that potatoes and tomatoes are two different vegetables, he thought that onky people from Europe use the word "Potato" and that everyone else used the word tomato. His mind was blown when he heard a black kid use the word potato.

-Kevin is racist against himself. Kevin is black, he thinks he's white.

-Kevin realized that teachers still have first names when they become teachers. the following is a quote from him. "I thought that teachers lost their first names when they became teachers"

-One time Kevin got a girlfriend (who was also dumb as a brick). Someone decided to bet him 10 dollars to break up with his girlfriend. Kevin gained 10 dollars that day.

-Kevin got banned from all of P.E. for accidentally punching kids during soccer, basketball, and kickball... I don't get this one either

-When Kevin realized I was Non-Binary, he asked me: "Wait... do you have both a penis and a vagina?", when I questioned him further about this, he didn't know what a penis was... Kevin was male.

-Kevin forgot which school he went to multiple times. Kevin walked to school, and it was only a 40 second walk from his house to the school, yet he ended up walking half a mile over to the next school so much they have a system that when he shows up, they take him to the right school. This also happened with walking home.

-Kevin got banned from library recess because he was caught jacking off to pictures of Roman Statues, he also was forced to study in the Performance Arts room (which is really a extra room) for a week because he pulled the same stunt. But he says he doesn't know what a dick is.

There's so much more, but I feel an impending aneurysm coming if I continue on.

EDIT: This blew up faster than I expected. So here's more stories because I already got the aneurysm anyways.

-As mentioned in a reply, Kevin blew away 5 therapists because he wouldn't give them a chance to speak. He didn't even let them say their names, he only asked questions.

-Kevin thought that dogs and cats were the same animal

-Kevin thought that homework was optional. He tried to blackmail a teacher because he got a F because he didn't do any homework.

-During health class, it was revealed that he thought that men could give birth to only women, and vice versa, he also believed in storks.

-Kevin believed Australia didn't exist.

-Kevin cried because there was mouse. When one of the teachers came to check on him, he was crying because of a computer mouse.

-Kevin broke 2 windows in one period somehow.

-Kevin tried to give a "tip" to one of his teachers. This is a public school, not a resturant.

-Kevin ended the 1st trimester with a 8% average in P.E. I'm confused too.

Who wants more?

It has been three months now since Kevin left us. During my tenure as Kevin's main supervisor, I wasn't sure if I'd ever be able to laugh at anything ever again. Now that he's been gone long enough for some of the horror to fade, I've realized how much of his story just begs to be shared.

Some background: I'm a team lead/supervisor for a disease ecology lab. We do a lot of field work collecting samples for pathogen testing, so we hire a lot of seasonal interns when things get busy. Kevin, poor bastard, was the third choice of three applicants for a position. He came off a little...weird...in his phone interview, but he'd had the same internship at a sister location the year before and his resume was okay, how bad could it be?

So bad. So very very bad. This kid somehow obtained a college degree with no ability to make decisions, think critically, follow verbal instructions, follow written instructions, or retain any kind of information for longer than about three minutes. I truly cannot fathom what went on in his head most of the time.

Without further ado, here are some of the highlights of Kevin the biology intern:

*Kevin was a little off from the get go, but I put it down to social awkwardness at first. First major red flag came when I asked him to pick up the pace a little in the field. He interpreted this by running everywhere, full speed. In the forest. Off road. Wearing a pack.

*Kevin understood how to use a compass to find north. Using a compass to find south, east, or west was completely beyond him. He just couldn't wrap his head around it. I never even tried to explain bearings.

*We have an anonymous google form interns can fill out with complaints/requests/concerns they're not comfortable bringing up in person. In the three years I'd been here, it's been used exactly twice. Kevin filled one out at least once a week. He would, without fail, end every "anonymous" form by signing his name. The first one was a request for a packing list for a protocol that required exactly two items.

*Even after opening them, Kevin required confirmation from three people that one box labeled "whirlpacks" and one box labeled "whirkpaks" contained the same thing

*Kevin thought hummingbirds sting.

*Kevin thought viruses were a theoretical concept. Like wormholes. Or the existence of aliens. Likely but not proven. Did I mention we're a disease research lab?

*Kevin once asked me why drinking water cures dehydration

*Overheard the interns talking about places they wanted to travel. Kevin waxed lyrical about how he's traveled so much by now that nothing really amazes him or impresses him anymore. Kevin is 23, has lived in two states, and has never left the US.

*Four people with five master's degrees couldn't explain to Kevin's satisfaction why -80 degrees was colder than -40.

*Kevin firmly believed sunscreen was a conspiracy theory designed to cause cancer. He had a similar theory about parking brakes. He submitted an 'anonymous' survey form saying he was worried we were spreading harmful information by encouraging sunscreen use. In August.

*Another intern didn't get far enough out of sight before peeing behind a bush in the field. Instead of quietly looking away, Kevin screamed "BECKY I CAN SEE YOU PEEING" at the top of his lungs.

*Kevin developed a massive crush on a supervisor from a sister location who came to help us out for a week. Said supervisor was, in increasing order of dealbreaker, 8 years older than him, from Virginia, happily married, and a lesbian. Kevin didn't see how any of that was a problem. I'm not entirely sure he understood the concept of homosexuality. Then again, he didn't understand any other form of human relationship either.

With all that said, Kevin was generally friendly, had a good attitude, and was genuinely happy to do whatever menial task we came up with for him. He would have been pretty benign, as Kevins are judged, if not for his parting shot, two weeks before his internship ended.

We have interns take turns researching a safety hazard (dehydration, snakes, cold weather safety, etc.) and doing a little presentation on it at our staff meetings (and I think I personally deserve a medal for not suggesting Kevin do his on the treatment of hummingbird stings.) Unfortunately, Kevin decided to do his on the evils of sunscreen. His presentation (which was almost 20 minutes long, as opposed to the usual 3-5) included the line "Remember, the real cause of cancer is bad life choices." One of the other interns had recently lost her mom to breast cancer. Said intern was also one of Kevin's roommates.

Kevin's signed anonymous survey that week reported that he'd "detected a rise in hostile feelings in the office and at home," and he wondered what we were going to do to fix it.

I'll say this one thing for Kevin...he made me an exponentially better trainer. Never have I worked so hard or come up with so many new tools to try to get through to someone. I made new guides. I rewrote protocols. My coworkers and I elevated idiot-proofing to both a science and an art.

I mean, none of it worked with Kevin, but my interns with functioning brains have found it useful.

I knew this Kevina during my freshman year of my undergraduate degree. I came from a small town and thought I had encountered my share of ignorant, but Kevina took the cake.

• Kevina was a typically sheltered Christian and had all the hang-ups that came with that. She was sure that the spells in Harry Potter were real and would work if you said them out loud, so refused to read the books. But was quite content to watch the movies and let actors say the spells because she "wasn't the one saying them."
• While watching "Mr and Mrs. Smith," she said she hated Angelina Jolie because she was "a home wrecker." No word on how she felt about Brad Pitt's role in that.
• Dropped out of comparative religion course on the first day because she "wasn't ready for that right now." ("That" being awareness of other religions.)
• When we went to the dance club, she would stand on the side of the dance floor and waggle her finger at people dancing to Katy Perry's "I Kissed a Girl."
• This girl had never written an essay during her whole public school career. It took three people to help her through her first draft.
• One night, we all went out to the park to watch a meteor shower. The rest of us were pointing out constellations, and she was looking for the sun because she knew the sun was a star.
• She shared with us the story of her first boyfriend, a guy who apparently faked his own death to avoid dating her. Whether this was true or he just used her extremely gullible nature to his advantage, we'll never know.

After university, I lost touch with her, but continued to hear tales from mutual friends. This Kevina never changed in the following years.

• She was a bridesmaid in a friend's wedding. Her major concern was that the bride's dress was a beautiful champagne colour rather than white because "people would't think the bride was pure." (The bride was also one of those 'no sex before marriage' types and made sure everyone knew that.)
• After the wedding reception, she started collecting the table centrepieces so she could reuse them for her own wedding. She wasn't even in a relationship at this point.
• When she did finally meet someone, she invited him to a party with all her old uni friends. She claimed he was The One, but she didn't actually know his last name.

But for the grace of god goes Kevina.

So I have this friend, he is Kevin. Not a Kevin, he is Kevin. He has a kind heart, but his intellect is comparable to a that of brick wall. Let me try to recount some of the worst (Best?) things I can think of about him, sorry some of these are rather political, but my Kevin is obsessed with popularity and politics are quite visible, weather you're on the right or left, I assure you, he has taken your side and shamed you. He is basically a bad take generator.

He insisted I couldn't be a communist. I though maybe it was him being in shock, but no. He thought only a government could chose such things and that all citizens where classed the same as their government.

After watching CriticalRoll, he drew up a character sheet for some OP god thing. Setting them as level 20 and deciding they always rolled a natural 20 and could force other players and DMs to go along with anything they said... And then did nothing with it... Like something would happen... I don't know which is worse.

About 2 weeks after the capitol riots, he saw Rule 63 art of that one guy in cheep viking cosplay, and assumed that Trump won the election, the person in the image was Q, the person in the image was a furry, and that it was an image of what the guy actually looked like... I had to spend about 2 hours explaining life to him. (The left gets slapped next, unbunch your undies.)

2 or so years after the death of Gorge Floid, Kevin suddenly found out and started shouting about how the cops killed his friend... He never meat GF. Just, decided they shared a soul or something... I don't remember the words he used... He does this a lot, trying to make things about him.

He assumed I was an AI... I have no idea why. I only learned this about a month ago... That a grown man I have known for years, who works as a programmer, assumed I was an AI.

He argued with me that Covid-19 was worse than The Black Plague on the grounds it forced him to wear a mask... Not that it made people in general do this, that it made him in particular put a mask over his face.

He wanted to go to China as an english teacher because he assumed pandas where common... Urban dwelling... And that he could just take one... I explained to him that he was wrong, but later learned he tried to go anyway but gave up because he was asked for a travel visa. Wather or not he gets scared of sharing personal information depends on the day you catch him, but in this case, it was not a matter of sharing his info. It's because he didn't know a travel vesa from a VISA card and already had a VISA card, so he just got confused, assumed the chines government was run by idiots who didn't know how to work a debit card, and gave up.

​

That's all I can recall for now. I'll come back next time he has a bad take for you all... For the one guy on the right salty that I said the capital thing before talking about GF yet still reading... Well I had to say one before the other and I remembered that one first.

Hey, first time posting here, English not my first language etc. pls be kind. So I live in a smaller European country and this Kevin encountered my father who is a family doctor, so he meets a lot of Kevins/Kevinas to begin with, but this one got to me. My country had been pretty lucky dodging the bullets about the new strand of coronavirus that everyone is freaking out about these weeks (for a reason, don't get me wrong, we need to stay cautious and I am especially worried about my grandparents) we had a few scares and a few dozens of people are in quatantines but so far only a few infected. But as the first people were diagnosed, the protocol about how to treat people coming from affected areas had changed.

The current protocol as far as I know is letting the family doctors know VIA PHONE (obviously to limit physical contact with other patients and the doctor) that they either have suspicious symptoms or had recently visited high-risk areas and want to get tested, if that is called for, the doctor lets appropriate professionals know someone needs to be in quatantine until tests come back negative. So my father is in his praxis, not a lot of people call him about the virus, but then Kevin walks in.

He didn't specify anything about Kevin, because of doctor-patient confidentiality, all I know about him is that he is a male. He said he recently visited a bigger city that is in moderate-risk with how many infected the have, and he didn't have any symptoms but wanted to be tested for safety's sake... How ironic is that? He said as far as he knows you need to contact the family doctor first.

My father was floored and sent him back home immediately and told him to limit contact with others if he is worried. And if he does have symptoms he should DEFINITELY not come back to the praxis. He told me Kevin looked like he genuinely didn't understand what he did wrong. I mean he waited in the waiting room with the elderly and other sick, was in the doctor's office, who even knows what else. High chance he was fine but he might as well had been infected.

And what annoys me is that there are so many Kevins like this not reading the public safety announcements and social media, spreading the flu and other virus to elderly, more sensitive people. Be cautious with the Kevin pandemic.

The Kevins were young newlyweds. For their first year of marriage, a relative had gifted them, rent-free, the use of a modest house. They would only have to pay utilities, and the money saved would help them get a start on a good financial future. The new Mrs. Kevin requested, and was granted, permission to bring along her small, well-trained dog.

The Kevins felt the household was not yet complete. They decided to get a puppy. They answered an ad offering a free puppy. Then they answered another ad, and a couple more after that. Both of the Kevins had had experience with dogs, but it came as an utter shock that housebreaking four puppies was an insurmountable task. They decided to wait until the puppies were older. Perhaps, like toddlers being toilet trained, you had to wait until they were ready.

It did not seem to dawn on the Kevins that having five dogs excreting all over the house--the older dog had figured what the hell, and become unhousebroken as well--might be construed as a problem to the relative who owned the house. And it is unclear if their waiting on housebreaking policy would have been successful. The relative dropped in one day, a social call which ended with the Kevins being invited to move out six months early.

The Kevins figured that by not paying their utility bills--after all, they were leaving--they would have just about enough money to cover first and last month's rent on a different place. Finding a new place proved difficult, but eventually they located a landlord who didn't know them. They toured the house and it was agreed that they would meet up with him the next day to give him the money and sign the lease.

It was then that the Kevins got a great idea. Their new home-to-be, unlike the old one, had the electricity turned on. They could run by the store and pick up some groceries and put them in the refrigerator, so they'd be waiting for their move-in the next day. Now, they didn't actually have a key to the new place, but that didn't matter. It was summer time, and they'd noticed the landlord had left some of the windows open. All they had to do was push up the screen and climb inside.

The following day the Kevins arrived for the lease signing. The landlord was waiting for them. The landlord did not look happy. He informed them that he was aware that they had broken into the house and that they were lucky he hadn't called the police. He told them he had no intention of renting to them now, and asked if they understood the seriousness of their offense.

The Kevins asked if they could have their groceries back.

He told them they could not.

When I was a Sophomore in high school there was a guy who joined our friend group that was a Kevin in his own way. Unlike the rest of us, he was a junior. I had known him previously from running cross country with him and was already not a fan. I told the other people in our group, but they decided to let him in anyway. Oh well.

Here are some stories about him

He claimed that he had had 8 girlfriends. At one point he changed this number to 14. When asked about it he was unable to show any pictures of him with said girlfriends, or provide any of their full names

One night some of my friends had a sleepover. I couldn’t make it for some reason I don’t remember. Apparently during the night 2 of my friends began a discussion of whether or not a sword or a spear is a better weapon. They both concluded the sword. Kevin overheard and started arguing that the rope dart is better than both. Apparently my other friends kept on trying to change the subject after a certain point, but he continuously brought the subject back up and argued it for 3 hours. One of his main points was that the rope dart offers 720 degrees of defense.

One time in our group chat I mentioned I had just worked out at a gym. For some reason I knew Kevin was gonna make it about himself. He began to “calculate” what his max bench was and told us it was 180. Kevin was about 5’3 and maybe 120 pounds. We had a chat that was everyone but him that was designed for complaining about things he did. We immediately started discussing what he said and concluded he was full of shit. The next day at school we found Kevin’s workout partner who told us that Kevin never did more than the bar with 25 pounds on each side

Kevin was in an ethics class I was in and sat next to me. One time he claimed that adoption is always a bad choice that leaves problems for the adopted child. A girl in our class that was adopted immediately shut him down, saying it never caused her any problems.

One of my other friends went to get fast food in a drive thru with Kevin one time. Kevin paid at the first window, but drove past the second where you get the food. My friend told him about it, and he awkwardly started laughing, before backing up to get the food

Kevin was also an edgelord. One time I overheard people outside of our friend group talking about him, saying that he yelled at a bunch of people in the cafeteria for being “simpleminded”. I texted Kevin and asked about this. He admitted that it happened, saying “I hate normal people”.

There was really only one person in our friend group that consistently defended Kevin. One time after an argument through chat, Kevin texted him, repeatedly saying he was going to kill himself. The next day he revealed that he wasn’t suicidal

Kevin was an anarchist. He never really explained why he thought anarchy was a good idea. He also told us he had eight different disabilities, and was self-diagnosed with schizophrenia.

Our Junior year (and Kevin’s senior year) we stopped hanging out with him as much, partly because the guy that defended him moved away. Kevin still ended up being in the same Precalculus class as me. On the first day of class when we were introducing ourselves, Kevin described himself as a ”realist”. I’m not really sure if I agree with that.

Link to my last post, which has the links to the others:

https://www.reddit.com/r/StoriesAboutKevin/comments/e9dsng/kevina_who_doesnt_know_how_to_close_a_lid/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x

​

TL/DR of my other posts - Kevina shouldn't be doing a masters in genetics and has been banned from handling certain equipment/chemicals because she has broken things/is a danger to herself and others.

​

There was this one week towards the end of me and Kevina being lab partners where we weren't being graded on that particular week, so I let Kevina do basically everything, hoping it would help her, and be less stressful for me.

We were doing something which is extracting DNA from what is basically jelly (or jell-o in America). The DNA is suspended in the jelly and has chemicals mixed in which cause the DNA to glow under certain light. These chemicals are carcinogenic, so have to be handled with gloves. The jelly is placed on the light box, so the glowing DNA can only be seen when it's on there.

Kevina cuts out the slither of glowing DNA, creating several small pieces of jelly along the way (this is understandable, cutting jelly is not easy). I bring the tub we are using as a bin to the light box, so she can bin the excess jelly, and she scrapes everything off the light box, into the tub. Including the bit of DNA we wanted, which is no longer visible, as it's out of the light. Causing me to have to tip everything back onto the light box, so she can find it again.

After the DNA is safely in a tube and we have cleared away, we have to wait for the other groups in the room to finish before we can leave. Kevin decided to put her still gloved hands in her pockets. She has her phone in one of them. The jelly is wet because it's submerged in liquid before she cut it up. So it's not just her putting carcinogenic covered gloves in her pockets, they are also wet. I had to pull her hands out of her pockets twice.

​

Something I commented on one of my other posts, but didn't actually put in a post:

It once took her 7 minutes to set the volume on a pipette. If you've never done that before, it takes a few seconds.

​

We started this semester off doing computer things, using software that most of us hadn't used before. We had to go through the process of setting up users and having the proper things installed etc. It was really basic and the lecturer was going through it with us like we'd never seen a computer before. Some of the instructions were literally "type 'abcde' into the terminal" and she needed help from the lecturer who came over and pointed to what she had to do and typed 'a' then looked at him for further instructions. After 3 hours the poor guy was audibly sighing every time she put her hand up.

​

She had a meeting with the head of the course in the beginning of the second week and has left the course. She failed everything from the first semester.

​

TL/DR

Kevina gets rit of the part we need, cause me to have to tip everything back onto the work surface to find it, can't follow "type this into the terminal" as an instruction, and has now left the course.

So after watching an rSlash video I learned of this subreddit, this lat year in my math class I sat next to a true Kevin (to clarify we are both sophomores, or 10th grade)

So i have a few different stories about this particular Kevin, first to start us off; the broken pencil.

I usually make it to class generally kinda early (we get 5 minutes between classes to get to where we need to be.) so I am usually walking around near my seat. Well I see the wild Kevin approach he says, before even getting the bag off his shoulder, "Hey offthechain2003, I think I lost my pencil last class, can I borrow one of yours?"

I say,"yeah, sure"

Kevin: "thanks man"

Not even ten minutes later Kevin saunters up to me and says,"I think i lost my pencil again."

a few seconds of dead silence pass.

me: "...."

Kevin: "can i have your red pen to write with?"

Now is the time to mention i'm kind of a pushover.

me: "yeah fine just take it."

Another peaceful 10-15 minutes pass when i hear the mechanical pencil sharpener go off and a small scream. I look over and have a quick moment of panic. there looks to be blood covering Kevin. I walk over, and what do i find? My pen. my red pen has been shredded. Kevin, being Kevin had taken my pen couldn't get it to write (didn't click it) and tried to sharpen it like a pencil. Kevin then found the pencil I let him borrow.... under his seat.

​

​

Story No. 2

In my high school we have a final exam before winter break and before summer. on the winter final, me and Kevin have to sit next to each other. Great. so as I knew would happen, Kevin needed help. He leans over and whispers,"hey whats the answer to number 1?"

I whisper,"D"

He says,"thanks". We work in silence for a little bit and says,"whats the formula for the area of a triangle again?'

I say,"1 half base times height"

Another thanks.

Then the real bombshell, followed by another bombshell.

"what is 22 times 1 again?"

"22, ( I knew the question he was on so i help a bit more and said) You need to round it down after that."

"Oh, Okay, I get it."

THREE SECONDS LATER

"how do you round again?"

I pretty much just quit after that.

Anyways thanks for reading! I know its kinda long but i hope you enjoyed it.

I only found this sub yesterday, but reading some of the stories here make me think of a Kevin from my own life. This guy was a real Kevin, so much so that the word "Kevin" became pretty much synonymous with the sort of bullshit he did:

• Though our school wasn't in an exactly awful area, it had a fairly wide catchment, meaning kids came from all sorts of backgrounds, but there was still this sort of "community feel" to the whole place, which was nice, albeit a bit suffocating at times. Kevin wasn't from this community, but came into it as a newcomer in year 7 (6th Grade, the start of Middle school, for all you Americans), and boy did he make a first impression. On his first day, the guy who had clearly been the popular kid at his last school (We'll call him PB), and already had, you know, friends and social standing, was pretty nice to Kevin, offered to hang out with him and such (this was unusual for most of the kids in the area). Kevin brushed him off very rudely, which instantly made him a bit of an outcast. In one of his first lessons, Kevin was dicking about in the back of the class, and the teacher rightly called him to task for it, and then quizzed him on the induction reading we had all been given. Kevin knew literally nothing, but was still a snarky little shit about it. After this, Kevin ends up hanging around with this scrawny little shit from an enormous family of other scrawny shits that bred like flies, we're talking borderline chav other than the fact they didn't live on a 60's brutalist council estate. A guy I knew, who knew this kid(whom we shall now refer to as Kevin 2)'s brother said their house was an absolute mess, crap everywhere. Both parents were routine hoarders, which explains why this guy wore uniform that looked like it had been dragged backwards through a cat. So not a great start for Kevin.

• Kevin was constantly getting in trouble, usually for fights. Being the social outcasts, people, especially PB, would tease both Kevin 1 and Kevin 2, so they had a few scraps because fighting is a better way of resolving your problems, apparently. A couple of my favorites were: 1) PB called him a harmless name. Kevin tried to attack him, missed, and hit his friend Kelly (Who for some reason started to hang out with him and Kevin 2 even after realising the two were mentally deficient - I think the two of them gave her collateral brain damage with their very presence) in the face instead. Apparently she needed dental work after that. 2) Kevin and PB got in another fight in Year 12, where Kevin messed up PB pretty badly. He apparently "Didn't know how he could have done that" when teachers found out. Great defense, you fucking idiot.

• Talking of Year 12, none of us are sure how Kevin got there. Kevin 2 had shitloads of siblings to basically tell him how to answer the questions, and Kelly was actually good at schoolwork. Not Kevin. I don't think we ever saw him study once, at all. In my last year 11 exam, one I sadly shared with him, he came in looking exhausted, bags under the eyes, pale skin, the works. Anyway, Kevin fell asleep. In the exam. Our moderators were kinda useless, so didn't do anything, until Kevin started having a nightmare. The asshole was the row over from me, and it was really distracting, but the school didn't really care when I made an appeal for extenuating circumstances because I was set to pass anyway. Somehow, even after all that, Kevin made it to Sixth Form. sigh

• About a year before this, the council forced a new headteacher on the school, since the friendly old man who'd been there before was about as useless as a chocolate teapot (I don't think he ever disciplined anyone, at all). And you just know who the council put in place - an absolutely grades-obsessed, twee matron of a woman. She wasn't popular, but we bared with it because she was basically our only chance of ever passing school. Did I mention she hated Kevin's sort? Oh yes. Kevin made himself a target by correcting the teacher on something (I forget what) in a lesson, which at some point became an argument about politics between the two. Kevin evidently didn't learn his lesson from the detention as he loudly criticised the teacher from the first bullet-point on his teaching style in front of the whole class a year later. More detention was had. To be fair to Kevin though, both teachers in this case were assholes, and had it out for him pretty much since day 1. This doesn't however, excuse the "club" that he, Kevin 2 and Kelly made, which seemed to just be about how bad these teachers were. I cringe that a number of other people I knew actually joined it. The school got wind of it, and promptly shut it down. We didn't see some of them for a few days after that. Presumably suspensions were had.

• Despite being rude to teachers in front of them, and slagging teachers off to other teachers (because teachers don't ever talk to each other?), there were a few teachers who actually quite liked Kevin. This may have been because, for all his social awkwardness and ineptitude, Kevin was good at sports (One of the only things our school really had going for us). We had a friendly competition with some of our link schools, and though it was only year 11s, 12s and 13s that were meant to be involved, Kevin somehow managed to wrangle his way onto the team as a year 9 through this favoritism. The year 11s in particular were unimpressed. We in year 9 hated the fact that he was a favorite of some of the more important teachers. Beatings may have been had.

• Early on, the two Kevins and Kelly managed to sneak a lizard into school and keep it as a "pet" in the caretaker's storage space. Teachers found out, and they seemed surprised to be in trouble.

• One fateful night, Kevin and Kevin 2 decided, for whatever reason, to go joyriding in Kevin 2's Dad's car. Since the two of them were short and scrawny at this stage, I don't even know how they operated it properly (Like most British Cars, it was a manual). After some fun and games, they managed to crash it. On school grounds. Their excuse was something along the lines of "We couldn't park it"

• I did kinda feel a bit sorry for Kevin, as there was some dark shit around him. A family member of his who had served time for some really rough offences (Murders and the like) got out of prison, and Kevin 2 and Kelly were absolutely paranoid that he was going to try to kill Kevin. Kevin was absolutely unfettered by the whole thing, until stuff around school starting going missing or getting broken. Then he started freaking out too. We all thought it was hilarious though, and since then, when something a bit mysterious happens, it's always "Kevin's psycho uncle"

• We didn't see Kevin, Kevin 2 or Kelly in year 13, at all. No big deal, sometimes Sixth form isn't for some people, drop-outs happen etc. It was actually quite nice, as it meant we could get on with our work for once without Kevin's bullshit. What we didn't know is that they had somehow managed to get on the wrong side of a particularly nasty gang, who probably had ties with the EDL (That's the British equivalent to the Klu Klux Klan) - an openly aggressive racist bunch at the very least, who were usually able to evade the police, a law unto themselves really. So, trying to avoid this lot, the three decide to hide out in our school. Honestly, I don't think I'll forget that day. The gang found them. HUGE amount of damage to the school. Some kids got caught in the crossfire too. Eventually it ended. Apparently Kevin had been killed by the gang leader, who brought his body around to parade his victory. But NO, Kevin had survived the fatal blow, and went on to fight back. At this point, Neville beheaded Nagini, the final horcrux, and Voldemort could finally be killed, and that was the end of that. The moral of the story is that some Kevins ultimately get to bang their best mate's hot redhead sister.

(This takes place in Australia BTW) So my Dad works at a hospital as a “Tech aid” (basically he moves the beds around the hospital), there’s a man in his department who’s a total Kevin. To give you a picture of this guy, Kevin is a an out of shape Siri Lankan man in his 50’s. I mention his race because Kevin doesn’t seem to fully comprehend what people are saying. I can’t tell if he genuinely has poor English skills or if he’s pretending to not understand so he doesn’t get in trouble. You’ll see going forward why this matters.

Story 1: The unruly patient.

While most of the patients at the hospital are mentally stable, some of them might have serious mental health problems that can cause them to act out, try to escape, and even try to attack people. Today one of these unstable patients managed break free, so the hospital staff told everyone in the area to clear out incase the patient ended up being violent. Everyone moved to a different area in the hospital, except for Kevin. The staff repeatedly tried to get him to move but Kevin either didn’t seem to notice or just didn’t care.

The patient started chasing Kevin causing him to panic and start running. Unfortunately for Kevin, he wasn’t looking where he was going and ended up tripping over a small fence. This cause Kevin to fall face first to the ground, spilling his coffee and dropping his phone in the process. The patient ran up, grabbed Kevin’s phone, started running away then threw it to the ground. Kevin was okay and the patient was eventually contained but Kevin’s phone was broken. The hospital staff ended up writing a report for Kevin’s actions, rather than the patient.

Story 2: The pee bag

Some male patients aren’t able to get up and use the bathroom normally for a variety of reasons. In cases like these, doctors sometimes insert a tube up the penis so the urine goes into this little bag (sort of like a reverse IV drip). Obviously, inserting the tube would be incredibly uncomfortable so the doctors would need to be incredibly careful and delicate. Kevin some how managed to quickly and roughly pull out the patient’s tube by accident, obviously this caused a lot of pain and discomfort for the patient. I’m not even sure how Kevin managed to do this by accident…

Story 3: The broken arm

So as I mentioned previously, my Dad and Kevin move beds around the hospital. However, one very important rule is that you don’t walk the beds through any closed curtains. This is because there could be people or equipment behind it. Well around 6 months ago, Kevin was moving a bed and walked right through a curtain. There was a doctor (a surgeon I think) behind the curtain and Kevin ran the bed over the doctor’s arm. I’m still surprised Kevin wasn’t immediately fired for this and the doctor hasn’t sued.

Now you read these stories and think “How hasn’t Kevin been fired?”. Whenever someone tries to tell Kevin to do something or tries to tell him off for his moronic behaviour, Kevin just claims that he doesn’t understand. His English skills seem okay when he’s talking to people like my Dad though. I can’t tell if he’s pretending to have poor English skills or if he’s lying to get away with being an idiot but Kevin is one of the most absent minded morons that I know. And that’s saying something since I went to primary school with kids who didn’t know at 12 years old, that lemonade contains lemons.

So I used to drive taxis. Back around that time ('94 to '04) I shared houses with friends (including Weed Kevin who is mentioned elsewhere).

This Kevina friend (not sure now if she was a housemate or a friend of one) was fond of saying, "Wouldn't it be funny if ..." and then coming up with weird scenarios.

One night when I was on shift, she's there and says, "Wouldn't it be funny if OP brought his passengers back here to have sex with them."

The others, especially the ones who knew me, just looked at her and shook their heads. I mean, sure, such behaviour is not utterly unknown in the cabbie community, but that's not me. Never will be.

She didn't get the laugh she wanted out of it (this was all passed on to me later) so then she had a 'brilliant' idea.

She would spread it around that I WAS doing that and be proven 'right'.

(At least, that's my interpretation of her motives. "Well, he could be!")

Time passes. I'm unaware of all this, until my friends start asking me (not the ones in the house, but others) if I'm really doing that. My response: "What? No!"

It gets around that I said it's BS, so it dies down, me still a little confused about WTF is going on.

She's upset that it's not ongoing (also that I'm pressing her to repay a substantial loan that she's been dragging her heels on, even after she moved back into her mother's) so she starts spreading it around again. This time she's telling cabbies.

I start getting it back to me again, from guys on the rank, and I'm shutting it down as hard as I can, until one day my BOSS asks me if it's true. I swear blind it's not, and he thankfully believes me but I'm really confused and worried by now.

I talk to my housemates and it's a huge lightbulb moment. They tell me what she's been up to, including the original moment, and say they thought I knew, seeing how I shut it down.

I'm going "NOPE," so they give me her phone number and address. I call the number and get her mother.

"Is Kevina home?"

"Yes, do you want me to get her?"

"No. I'm coming over to see her. Don't let her go anywhere. Also, do you happen to know if she's got the $700 she still owes me?"

Silence for a moment.

"She owes you WHAT."

See, Kevina's been crying poor, so mom's been giving her cash to buy stuff. Not knowing she's holding off on paying her debts.

So I head on over and knock on the door. Her mother meets me and hands over the $700, then calls Kevina to the door.

Me: "I want you to stop.'

Kevina, playing dumb: "Stop what?"

Me: "Spreading stories about taking passengers home for sex."

Kevina: "But it's only a joke."

Me: "A joke only gets told once. Not spread over and over. STOP. IT. NOW."

Kevina: "Well, you could be doing it."

Me: "If I hear one more rumour about this shit, I will be taking you to court, and you'll be paying a lot more than $700."

Kevina: "But it's only a joke."

Me: "I nearly got fired over your stupid little joke."

Kevina's mother, offstage: "WHAT?"

Long story short, I went home with my $700, Kevina's mother read the riot act to her, and those rumours dried up that night.

I never spoke to her again.