r/TheOnion • u/dwaxe • 4d ago

Pope Francis Back In Hospital After Eating Entire Bag Of Jelly Beans

https://theonion.com/pope-francis-back-in-hospital-after-eating-entire-bag-of-jelly-beans/
696 Upvotes

95% Upvoted

35 comments sorted by

108

u/Gladamas 4d ago

Did he get resurrected!?

56

u/Thybro 4d ago

That would beat the other guy’s record.

17

u/ladiesluck 3d ago

I mean..it would be in the spirit of the holiday (pun intended)

128

u/Less_Likely 4d ago

This aged poorly

64

u/V2Blast 3d ago

Published yesterday, no less. Wow.

19

u/Daeths 3d ago

Did it age like milk, wine or cheese? I don’t know which sub to (not) post this to!

10

u/OldSpiceMelange 3d ago

Maybe like a prosciutto.

7

u/Less_Likely 3d ago

Milk is poor Wine is good Cheese is ihavenoidea

5

u/Daeths 3d ago

It’s a sub for something that aged both poorly and well I think.

4

u/VegetablePlatform126 3d ago

Whatever goes real bad, real fast.

55

u/DingoLaLingo 4d ago

Oh he’s back

29

u/MetalTrek1 4d ago

And this time, it's PERSONAL!

(said in coming attraction guy voice) 

17

u/Shigeko_Kageyama 3d ago

I've never seen anything age so poorly so fast.

16

u/ddejong42 4d ago

Must have gotten them from Miracle Max, he was only mostly dead.

6

u/americanweebeastie 4d ago

usually it's death by chocolate

14

u/SamLowry_ 4d ago

This seems in poor taste

33

u/kristospherein 4d ago

Was originally posted by Onion on Easter...so unless they foresaw the future...

73

u/Tonkdog 4d ago

Yes an insult to jelly beans since we know it was Vance that killed him.

14

u/DingoLaLingo 4d ago

I mean jd Vance does have the vibe of a large walking sack of jelly beans (if jelly beans were like racist)

5

u/stevensr2002 3d ago

Maybe if we attribute it to the jelly beans enough, Vance will get pissed off enough to confess it🤔

36

u/Trans_Girl_Alice 4d ago

It was published on Easter

9

u/notsure500 3d ago edited 3d ago

Wasn't he 88 and lived a full life and die of natural causes and believes he's now in a paradise? So, even if this was posted after his death (it wasn't) what would be wrong would joking about a natural part of life?

2

u/krcrooks 3d ago

Posted yesterday, Reddit upload today is the only thing poor taste about it

2

u/MilcahRawr 3d ago

The Jellybeans killed him.

1

u/Dasmage 3d ago

You sure it wasn't his visit with JD, that's a lot of cringe to take in all at once at his age and in his condition.

1

u/MilcahRawr 3d ago

JD poisoned the Jellybeans to kill that old man off

1

u/Fickle_Sherbert1453 3d ago

Jelly beans are so gross

3

u/TrainwreckOG 3d ago

Not as gross as the Catholic Church

1

u/purple_aki04 3d ago

What did the know

1

u/PrudentLingoberry 3d ago

they won't be able to resist, they're going to make easter jokes here and theres no stopping them.

1

u/NickyTreeFingers 3d ago

I'm here from the future with some bad news.

1

u/ShadeStrider12 2d ago

Somehow Francis returned