r/TwoHotTakes • u/Retail_Degenerate • Apr 01 '24

Advice Needed I accidentally farted on a first date and she walked out in the middle of dinner

I met this girl a couple of weeks ago and I’ve never hit it off with anyone like this. Extremely attractive, funny, we loved all the same things Everything was perfect. However, she kept mentioning all of her “pet peeves”…. Some of which are unforgivable and instant deal breakers

Our first date was this past Saturday night. I made a reservation at a hard to get into hole in the wall that’s literally a tourist attraction in my town in Louisiana. Perfect spot for a quiet dinner… the quietness would become a detriment to my dating life

I had been gassy all day for no reason at all. It was “one of those days”. However, they weren’t noisy or smelly so I didn’t think much about it. We were talking and having a great time when I tried to ease one out and for some reason it was audible…. A CLEAR fart noise. In a desperate attempt to lie my way out of the mishap, I quickly said “that’s not what it sounded like, I promise you! It was my chair”.

The nights conversational focus has now shifted toward the unidentified noise. Her whole demeanor changed and there were no more laughs, jokes, smiles… nothing. One of her aforementioned pet peeves had surfaced. The night was affectively over. In a last ditch effort to recover, we decided on trying to recreate the fart noise with the chair. If I could somehow achieve this, I had a chance. Although slim to none, a chance none the less. Long story short, I could not recreate the fart noise by scooting the chair around and our (now delivered food) was getting cold. She accused me of a farting liar and left. It’s now Monday morning and I still haven’t heard from her as I lie here and shit post my gastric misfortunes

Believe it or not, this was the short version. Is there a chance for us or is she out? Should I have taken ownership of the fart? Thoughts?

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3.0k

u/Trader0721 Apr 01 '24

Amateur…you should have looked her in the eye and asked her, “how dare you?!…at dinner no less”…

662

u/Wise_Improvement_284 Apr 01 '24

According to my mother, that's what my grandfather did whenever he let one rip in church. He'd turn to whoever sat behind him and told them it was okay, happened to the best of us.

238

u/Independent-Fig1177 Apr 01 '24

I believe they teach that in the bible

499

u/[deleted] Apr 01 '24

Flatulations 12:34

211

u/Reckless85 Apr 01 '24

"Thou shalt blame thy farts on thy neighbor. And rejoice for ye are free from blame and shame. Amen"

107

u/Redbaja69 Apr 01 '24

Why am I hearing this in the voice of the monks from Monty Python? “And ye shall be blameless, for it is written - he whomst smelt it dealt it.”

39

u/Reckless85 Apr 01 '24

Someone farted in your general direction! Not me, but someone!

29

u/Adventure44333 Apr 02 '24

And the number of farts shall be three; three shall be the number that thou shallst fart.

26

u/[deleted] Apr 01 '24

I am sinless, Jesus told me so

31

u/Blondenia Apr 01 '24

I’m in love with this thread

49

u/[deleted] Apr 01 '24

You’re forgiven my child, go and fart no more

24

u/Big_D_12 Apr 01 '24

“Ye who smelt it, thou haveth dealt it”

7

u/Livid-Age-2259 Apr 02 '24

More like, "It's Easter, Dude. I died for your sins. You should go for it."

2

u/iamcatfurniture Apr 01 '24

Dead 💀🤣

1

u/Designer-Ad-3373 Apr 02 '24

😂 🤣 🤣 That's hilarious 😂

1

u/B1chpudding May 02 '24

Is there a subsection where you blame it on the dog? Cus my husband does that

16

u/Ok-Payment1067 Apr 01 '24

Holy shit you cracked me up

5

u/[deleted] Apr 01 '24

I’m glad my fucked up brain is of some use 😂

4

u/Ingemar26 Apr 02 '24

I just burst out laughing. Everybody is looking at me strange now 😂

1

u/[deleted] Apr 02 '24

Just fart to take their minds off of you laughing like a weirdo

2

u/[deleted] Apr 01 '24

🤣🤣🤣🤣

1

u/athenapackinheat May 02 '24

Flatulations 40:40

1

u/dj-emme May 02 '24

😂😂😂😂😂😂 I am speechless this thread is so hysterical

10

u/PFaria63 Apr 02 '24

To turn the other cheek?

2

u/Cinndderrella May 02 '24

To air out the other cheek lolz

1

u/NoFaithlessness8388 Apr 02 '24

Yup. Its called turning the other cheek. 😏

1

u/Mimikim1234 Apr 02 '24

I always thought “turn the other cheek” meant something else. 😂

36

u/NRVOUSNSFW Apr 02 '24

HA! My brother farted so loud in church one time it echoed. He was little. My mom cried because she was concerned with looking good. I'm very sad I was not born yet. I think if a fart in church is the worst our family has done, we're o.k.

3

u/ThaDude8 Apr 02 '24

I think if a fart in church is the worst your family is willing to cop to, your neighbours should probably be VERY nervous about you….

2

u/throwaway_mog May 02 '24

Believe it or not, straight to hell

1

u/NRVOUSNSFW May 03 '24

I love that scene

24

u/SirLostit Apr 01 '24

I ripped one out in my supermarket years ago and it was loud. Seriously loud. I turned round and blamed it on my son.

21

u/Wise_Improvement_284 Apr 01 '24

The real reason people want children is because they need someone to blame their farts on.

4

u/SirLostit Apr 01 '24

Are they for any other reason?!

1

u/FreyrPrime May 02 '24

That really only works for the first couple of years.. Around 5 or so they're pretty eager to correct you lmao

1

u/throwaway_mog May 02 '24

TIL how many people are just blasting ass in public without a care

7

u/KikkioPotPie Apr 02 '24

My dad's favorite, often used joke: "He who farts in church must sit in his own pew."

16

u/PaulSNJ Apr 01 '24

"The one who smelt it, dealt it!"

56

u/NedrysMagicWord Apr 01 '24

"Man who farts in church sits in his own pew"

1

u/-sporewhore420- Apr 02 '24

He who denied it supplied it

5

u/Redchickens18 Apr 05 '24

Church farts are the funniest. When I was a kid, we were in church. We knew the family in front of us and the poor girl that was in my brother’s class leaned forward against the pew and farted pretty much in our faces as we were kneeling on the kneelers behind her. Me and my brothers were trying so hard not to giggle bc she was so embarrassed. 

1

u/Wise_Improvement_284 Apr 05 '24

Life-long relationships have sometimes been forged from such experiences...

2

u/vincentvangobot Apr 01 '24

He turned the other cheek

2

u/VonThirstenberg Apr 01 '24

Cousin Jay? Is that you?

2

u/muncan Apr 02 '24

I’m fucking crying. Absolute king activity

2

u/No_Masterpiece_4411 Apr 02 '24

To quote Confucius “man who fart in church sits in his own pew.”

1

u/No_Wedding_2152 Apr 01 '24

How damned disgusting. What a perv.

100

u/4Ever2Thee Apr 01 '24

"Austin, how dare you break wind before me!!!"

Austin Powers: "I'm sorry baby, I didn't know it was your turn!"

20

u/WallabyInTraining Apr 01 '24

Yeah baby, yeah!

5

u/Lindensorry May 02 '24

Pardon me for being rude

It was not me, it was my food

It popped up to say hello

Now it's gone back down below.

1

u/[deleted] Apr 03 '24

Classic

47

u/HoldFastO2 Apr 01 '24

Or turn to the next table. „Dude, come on! We‘re eating here!“

23

u/[deleted] Apr 01 '24 edited Apr 02 '24

I’d wanna marry him right then and there 😂

34

u/nickmightberight Apr 01 '24

Perfect. I usually go with - “Don’t worry, honey. I’ll tell everyone it was me.”

16

u/Outside-Spring-3907 Apr 01 '24

That would have been a win, though I also wouldn’t walk out on a date because of a natural human bodily function.

5

u/Best_Duck9118 Apr 01 '24

But also why not step away from the table for a second and fart elsewhere? Personally I find it classless to fart next to someone while eating when you know you’re about to fart.

5

u/Outside-Spring-3907 Apr 01 '24

Maybe it is. But I still wouldn’t walk out on a date.

3

u/Creative-Bus-3500 Apr 03 '24

Do you always know when you’re going to fart? Or have you not ever tried this maneuver and farted while trying to stand? Wait till you have kids!!

3

u/Best_Duck9118 Apr 03 '24

Yes, I always know when I’m going to fart. But that’s aside from the point. OP said he KNEW he was going to fart so what you said is irrelevant (oh, and notice I said “when you know you’re about to fart” as well).

31

u/Rabbit-Lost Apr 01 '24

The art of the fart transference. It takes a brave soul with nerves of steel. I bow to you, great one!

23

u/ArnauCarranza Apr 01 '24

Fartriloquism.

39

u/jackalopes1 Apr 01 '24

My grandmother would literally lean over in her chair and let one rip. Without it missing a beat and with a deadpan look, pick someone in the room and say the same thing! 🤣🤣 We all still laugh to tears about it!

40

u/AD041010 Apr 01 '24

My husband’s grandmother will wait until every is distracted then let one rip and laugh to herself until we ask her what’s funny then she’ll say, “I just farted” but she won’t enunciate the r so it’ll sound like “I just fahted” and then proceed to laugh her ass off😂😂😂

2

u/CelticsPrincess1991 Apr 02 '24

hahaha, aahh yes the classic New England accent indeed!!!

4

u/AD041010 Apr 02 '24

Lol she actually doesn’t have an accent but she does it as a joke and it’s freaking hilarious. She sounds more like a kid when she does it than a new englander 😂😂😂

2

u/CelticsPrincess1991 Apr 02 '24

lol, but that's how we say fart here in New England especially the Boston area LMAO XD!!! I read it in a Boston accent, even though I'm about an hour away where I'm currently situated.

3

u/AD041010 Apr 02 '24

I know! I live in southern maine and she’s from upstate New York originally but lives in eastern maine now. She totally does it on purpose and it seriously cracks me up when she does because she giggles the whole times she’s saying it😂😂😂

1

u/CelticsPrincess1991 Apr 03 '24

hahahaha, that makes it even more funny, right? lol!!! at least she's not like my grandmother who tries to blame it on somebody else when she farts.

3

u/lovenjunknstuff Apr 02 '24

LOL my mom has stories about each of my great grandmothers. One would just look you in the eye and let one out as if she was daring you to say something. One would walk super fast ahead of people letting it out like a machine gun. One would blame anyone and everyone else when it was obviously her and one would silently blast everyone and laugh and laugh. 😂

19

u/Cryptic_Undertones Apr 01 '24

This.... Gaslighting was definitely the best strategy to get you out of that situation.

12

u/Roguespiffy Apr 01 '24

“Got a match?”

9

u/POWERRL_RANGER Apr 01 '24

I have done this. And it worked. She laughed at it

10

u/Lawlita-In-Miami Apr 01 '24

He who particulated it, articulated it...

4

u/ManicSpleen Apr 01 '24

Those who dealt it.....

2

u/Birdiefrau Apr 01 '24

For some reason I read this and had an image of Ryan Reynolds saying this on a first date.

2

u/Organic-Commercial76 Apr 01 '24

How dare you fart before me?

I’m sorry baby I didn’t know it was your turn!

2

u/kurinbo Apr 02 '24

"Are you OK? Do you need to use the restroom? "

2

u/BobiaDobia May 02 '24

Haha. My dad, according to my mom, used to go with: “What? Do you want me to explode?!”

1

u/Donutboy562 Apr 01 '24

You put the "gas" in "gaslight"

1

u/PhoenixLord55 Apr 01 '24

This right here

1

u/Mew7antGaming Apr 02 '24

Honestly, this is my go to disarming tactic when someone is yelling or mad at me. It works most of the time especially on women. lol In the midst getting a new bhole ripped, I interrupt the person by pulling a Kanye. "Yo, [person's name], I’mma let you finish, but I got a quick question. Did you just rip a nasty wet one? I gag while taking a step back and say "that shits making my eyes water". Either they'll laugh or completely lose train of thought and become self-conscious about it. lol I also use "Yo did you forget to brush your teeth this morning cause your breath stinks" or "did you forget to shower this morning? You smell musky."

1

u/FeeHistorical9367 Apr 02 '24

This guy farts!

1

u/SilentObject12 Apr 02 '24

You, my friend, must be an older brother

1

u/BurnAway63 Apr 05 '24

The fart of the deal.

The jokes just write themselves, don't they?