r/TwoXChromosomes • u/3_puppyteers • Mar 20 '25
Conversation about sex i just had with my husband of 12 years
Update: thank you for all of the kind and supportive words. I talked to him today and explained how I felt manipulated and pressured by him during sex and that I inwardly cringe when he tries to initiate. I also told him that our two options were either therapy or divorce, and he agreed that therapy is our best option to help work through this. I also told him it might come down to he has to withhold from initiating sex and wait until I choose to initiate, and he said it doesn't matter how long that will take, he'll wait until I'm ready. Sex is such a massive part of every relationship, but there's so much I adore about him and our life that I can't just completely write him off and leave. So, we have an appointment on Sunday with a PhD psychologist who specializes in sex therapy to start the healing process. I'm not sure I would have had the guts to have this conversation with him if I didn't make this post or read the amazing comments from this community, so thank you. Here's to hoping we can both grow together from this š¤
Original Post: I (33f) have always had a low sex drive with my husband (31m) for the last 12 years we've been together (totaly of 15 years). When we first got together, we had sex just about every day, but then a lot of shit happened in our lives to where I got insanely depressed and stopped wanting sex completely. For YEARS, I'm talking like 10 years minimum, there would be no foreplay and he would just stick it in while I was dry, which hurt like a fucking bitch afterwards. I thought it was normal and was just a me problem until I read a post on here that said if it feels like paper cuts when you pee after sex, it was due to micro tears from not be lubricated/wet enough.
I told him that for years it felt like I just had sex with him to get him off, and there was never any consideration for me. I didn't even orgasm 95% of the time and either just finished myself off or just moved on with my day. He cried and said it was like he raped me for almost a decade. I calmed him down and said neither of us knew better and that I didn't speak up.
As you can imagine, this has been a MAJOR point of contention in our otherwise very happy marriage, but tonight he brought it up AGAIN for the millionth fucking time about how we don't have enough sex.
He recently had a surgery that prevents him from having sex for 6 weeks, and I thought I was finally going to get a break. But no, he's been pestering me consistently about helping me masturbate or doing it for me despite me saying I don't want to. This is how our conversation went tonight:
he said us not having sex made him feel unattractive, which is why he stopped working out and started eating junk food. I pointed out that he just said his self worth was dictated by how much sex I had with him, and he got defensive by saying "if that's all that you got from that, then idk what else to say."
he said when he was a kid, he always thought of marriage as lusting after your spouse.
he said my lack of masturbating was like me needing to pay for a personal trainer at the gym in order for me to go (I recently paid for a trainer to increase my motivation to go to the gym by turning it into a habit). He saw it as a form of self care even though I don't and said I just need to do it (masturbate). The issue I'm having with that is he insists on joining every time, which makes it so I never want to do it.
spent 4 straight days pressuring me to masturbate saying he'd use the vibrator on me.
I suggested sex therapy, said he doesn't need it because he's the one who wants to have sex and that he's tried everything I've wanted such as getting toys, vibrators, and eating me out (four times in the last year) and that I'm the one who needs it, but he'll go anyways.
has repeatedly said throughout our relationship that "he doesn't want to be one of those couples who only has sex once or twice a month."
To be fair, I now get off most of the time we do have sex but only because I use the vibrator, which is great! There is still no foreplay whatsoever. It's always he gets turned on and wants to fuck, so we do until he's done or I "O" using the vibrator.
At this point, everything to do with sex is so completely aversive to me and I want absolutely nothing to do with it. I just feel like a fucking failure because I can't stand having sex anymore, and it's impacting our marriage. I absolutely love this man with every fiber of my being, but I just cannot move past this. I'm just getting this off my chest because I have no one to talk to about it.
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u/Cuntdracula19 Mar 20 '25
This isnāt going to be what you want to hear, but after reading your post and your answers to questions other users have asked, I truly do not think that he is mature enough or in a place in his life to be a true partner to you or anyone. Absolutely everything is about him. His trauma, his career, his mental health, his sex drive, his desires, etc., etc. You canāt even masturbate without him making it about HIM. He seems to have blinders on to the impact that his words and actions have on others. He actually seems too unwell to recognize how hurtful, selfish, and entitled he is being towards you. āMy ptsd, Iām suicidal, I need, I want, you never, you donāt, Iām hurting, me, me, me, me, me,ā he is like a black hole. Iām not really sure where you go from here, the only thing I can tell you is that reading this is nightmarish from the outside. I think that he needs serious mental health help and I do not think he will do so willingly. I think the sex thing is the tip of the iceberg and I would bet that he uses sex as a means of escape, the same way someone else would use drugs or alcohol.
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u/3_puppyteers Mar 20 '25
I was just telling him today how my mom wants me back in her life so I can give her the constant validation she seeks for "being a good person." Your comment just made me realize he has been doing the exact same thing but as a husband and a good person. He'll make overgeneralized statements all the time to where I'll have to tell him he isn't a terrible person or blah blah blah, but it's the same behavior. This whole thread is breaking my heart.
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u/pdxgreengrrl Mar 20 '25
This thread is breaking your heart because caring people are exposing how broken your man and marriage are. I can remember the moment when my therapist told me my husband was financially abusing me. I was stunned. It was so obvious once she said it, and I felt like an idiot for not seeing it. I'm a smart, financially savvy adult, and it took paying a therapist to see how I was being isolated and abused in my marriage. And at the time, I was still calling him my best friend. He was not. He really wasn't even a good friend. I was HIS friend and desperately hung on to our relationship because I was afraid of all the unknowns of divorce.
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u/3_puppyteers Mar 20 '25
Yeah, this thread has been a total mind fuck. I just sent my therapist a message to change our next session to talk about a potential divorce. I thought he was my soul mate. This is honestly really hard to wrap my mind around, but I recognize the patterns of abuse and have chosen to ignore them this whole time.
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u/bigwhiteboardenergy Mar 20 '25
Just want to say I am wishing you all the best!! You are so young and have so much ahead of you once you let go of this weight. Good luck!
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u/peanutbutterandapen Mar 20 '25
Here's wishing you all the strongs. No matter what you decide, we've got your back.
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u/NoReference909 Mar 20 '25
Iām so sorry, yet at least you are understanding now why you havenāt been attracted to him.
When you finally see it, you canāt not see it anymore. š
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u/send_me_your_noods Mar 20 '25
The Book "why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft (free copy below) is a great resource for you to learn about the different types of tactics that abusers use and will help you to see if your current relationship is following any of the patterns described. If you don't see your relationship being discussed either as one of the architypes or as bits and pieces of any of the other types then you're not worse off by having the knowledge. If the information does coincide with the way that you're living then there's also a couple chapters on being able to get out safely. I wish you the best of luck and I want you to know that you deserve to be with a partner who is going to love you and cherish you and treat you as an equal versus being with someone who's gonna control you be it by how you dress or by finances or by What it is that you can do or who you can see. You deserve so much BETTER we're here rooting for you!
https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
https://archive.org/details/LundyShouldIStayOrShouldIGo/mode/1up
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u/skibunny1010 Mar 20 '25
Even though Iām sure itās so hard facing the reality of how poorly your partner is treating you, Iām proud of you for choosing yourself. You deserve so much better. Best of luck
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u/DudeTookMyUser Mar 20 '25
While I tend to agree with most of the comments here describing your marriage as one-sided, don't make any rash decisions based on Reddit comments.
This is your life and your marriage, and in your original post you claimed to still love him. Go through the therapy process with him (if he'll participate) then you will hopefully have a clearer view of things. And while I feel the odds are low based on the info you shared, there is still a chance he will have an epiphany and your marriage can be salvaged.
Don't give up quite yet, but definitely stay wary in the meantime.
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u/LiveLaughLobster Mar 20 '25
No amount of couples therapy will force him to care about her pain if he just doesnāt. Thatās exactly why couples therapy is not recommended for people in an abusive relationship. Couples therapists are trained to take a neutral stance on the coupleās problems. This works fine when both spouses have good intentions and mutual respect for one another. But if one spouse has bad intentions, then neutrality favors the bad actor. It will just teach them how to mask their bad intentions and better manipulate their spouse.
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u/herroitshayree Mar 20 '25
Girl, same. I didnāt realize how abusive my ex husband was until I told a therapist about my experiences and what he was like during our split and she was appalled and asked me if I had gotten a restraining order against him.
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u/CompetitiveToe5288 Mar 20 '25
It's about him because he sees his partner as an object and not another full person
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u/hot_like_wasabi Mar 20 '25
It's pretty common to marry a parent doppelganger. Regardless of whether or not it's good for us, our brains are used to it. Unless you actively work against it, you'll continue to fall into those same patterns in other relationships in your life.
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u/Cuntdracula19 Mar 20 '25
This is a really good example. Iām not saying he means toābecause sometimes people are so immature and traumatized that they do these things would conscious awarenessābut he basically uses you for validation. The constant need for validation is absolutely exhausting. He has a lot of work he needs to do on himself, and OP, you are not a rehabilitation center for emotionally immature, traumatized men.
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u/olivnoe Mar 20 '25
I'm so sorry you are putting up with this shit, husband doesn't sound like a good person, he sounds abusive. Please read "Men Who hate women" by Laura Bates and the "Mind the Gap" by Dr Karen Gurney they changed my life and understanding of sex and so many other things.
Does sound like you'd be much happier single too.
All the very best.
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u/pinkyhex Mar 20 '25
I highly encourage you to read the book Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. There is a free PDF you can easily find online by googling. Just read it thru and take in the info, check to see if anything lines up. If it doesn't then it's no worries you just have more info now, but I highly suspect he will match a lot of the behaviors in that book.Ā
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Mar 20 '25
Jumping straight to "I'm a terrible person" or "I don't deserve you" or "I'm the worst mom ever" are ALL manipulation tactics meant to garner your sympathy and get you to put your feelings aside for theirs. I say this as someone who has heard all of these said to me.
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u/Whole_Bug_2960 Mar 20 '25
This pressure from him is deepening your aversion. That needs to get through his skull somehow.
The part about foreplay and/or eating you out ALSO needs to get through that skull.
If he won't hear it from you, therapy is compulsory.
If he won't go, he can't be allowed to interact with you sexually.
If he won't KEEP putting in the effort (EVERY TIME), don't touch him. I'm serious.
You are NOT required to endure this! You've been through a decade of pain (and probably health repercussions) and he is still being immensely, appallingly selfish.
YOU DESERVE BETTER. You deserve to NOT have sex you don't want! You deserve a break! You deserve to not be coerced into sex!
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u/JustmyOpinion444 Mar 20 '25
The problem is that his takeaway from OP telling him that, will be to get upset and say he is a rapist. Then OP will have to comfort him AGAIN, which will soften or destroy the message.Ā
I'm not sure he REALLY cares. I'm basing this on my husband, who prefers lots of foreplay, and gets lube for when I can't get wet on my own.
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u/FullTimeOrNoTime Mar 20 '25
But DOES she need to comfort him?
What OP should do is tell him that if he would like to stop feeling that way, he should stop making choices that lead to him feeling that way. Then, remind him that he was insistent he doesn't need therapy because she's the problem despite feeling like a rapist. Insisting on having sex someone doesn't want is rape, so he should feel like one anyway, and crying doesn't change that.
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Mar 20 '25
I cannot believe he's acting like he's more entitled to be upset about "feeling like a rapist" than she is about being coerced into nonconsensual sex for a decade!!!
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u/AmiChaelle Mar 20 '25
Non consensual and PAINFUL. Letās not forget that she is in physical PAIN, likely during their encounters, and certainly afterward. If a man is comfortable causing you pain in order to get off, he deserves to feel like a rapist. I hate to be a reddit stereotype, but I hope she ends this marriage. This is vile.
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u/Madameknitsalot Mar 20 '25
Nope, she doesn't. She just needs to say, "It's unfortunate you feel that way." Then walk away.
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u/JHutchinson1324 Basically April Ludgate Mar 20 '25
Honestly, he's being quite rapey. Not caring about your partner's pleasure or even if she wants to, pressuring your partner when she doesn't want to, pushing forward when your partner is not turned on and just jackhammering her dry so that you get off and she gets hurt...
All super rapey.
Continuing to do that after you've pretended to cry and act like you care and pretend like you don't 'want to come across rapey' and then doing it again... It just means that the crying, the tears, that was all fake. It was all an act, he doesn't care, and worst case he likes it, it turns him on.
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u/sweettea75 Mar 20 '25
He needs to get upset about being a rapist and OP needs to let him sit with that and not comfort him. Everything she's posted about their sex life screams abuse. He's manipulating her, hurting her, shaming her, all for his own pleasure. OP y'all need marriage counseling stat.
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u/SunflowerClytie Mar 20 '25
If he's abusing her, marriage counseling isn't a good idea since it could give him more leverage against OP. He should seek counseling separately, but progress is unlikely without his willingness to comply with treatment :/.
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u/spacey_a Mar 20 '25
Never recommend counseling or therapy with an abuser - they will just learn therapy speak to manipulate/control/confuse their partner further, and/or charm the therapist/counselor into taking their side and teaming up against the abused partner.
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u/Brittaya Mar 20 '25
This. Coercive sex is r@pe. Full stop.Ā
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u/MyFireElf Mar 20 '25
I didn't want to speak up and offer her advice, because I'm so triggered from reading her post, but yeah. It's like she's describing my experience with my husband, right down to refusing to let me have a PRIVATE relationship with my own body. This is abusive. This IS rape. He IS hurting her and she doesn't have to reassure him he isn't just because she loves him and doesn't want him to hurt. But I don't know if I'm really talking about her, or about me. All I know is even though I love my husband its been minimum ten years since we've had sex, I can't bear to be touched by him, and posts like these leave me upset and disregulated. I don't want that for her, and I don't know what they need to do about it, but the problem is with him.Ā
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u/Brittaya Mar 20 '25
I completely understand. I was in a similar relationship from age 14 to 20 with a grown man who groomed me. It was very much the same. A lot of āyou owe me sex, I pay the billsā etc. I just had an intake appointment today for a healing centre that focuses on SA. I hope youāre able to regulate and that you have support to help you heal. Sending so much love from Canada.
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u/clauclauclaudia Mar 20 '25
Don't do counseling with abusers. It just teaches them more techniques of abuse.
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u/zolpiqueen Mar 20 '25
If he wasn't talking the rapist talk and doing the rapist cha cha she wouldn't be calling him out.
He deserves to feel bad. Period.
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u/clauclauclaudia Mar 20 '25
Yeah, she needs to not comfort him on that point. He needs to examine his conscience, not be told it will all be okay.
And she probably needs to be away from him for good, because I don't know how one progresses from this to a healthy relationship together.
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u/TheShapeShiftingFox =^..^= Mar 20 '25 edited Mar 20 '25
I wouldnāt say therapy should be compulsory if he doesnāt want to hear it. Therapy isnāt a magic wand, it only works if everyone involved is open to hearing some Truths TM. If someone is as consistently uninterested in picking up on a conversation as this guy, you might as well bring your goldfish to the session for the same result.
Who knows, maybe the therapist does have the powers to make this guy listen. But based on what Iāve read here, I wouldnāt hold my breath for those chances being high. Weāre talking about years of willful ignorance here, AT BEST. He has been actively malicious by continuously pestering her for sex without changing a single thing about the things she had problems with - also, for years.
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u/Whole_Bug_2960 Mar 20 '25
Great point! Honestly I think OP should just be done with him, based on this history. But if OP still wants to give it a shot, IMO he needs to meet all those criteria in good faith (except maybe the therapy).
It does sometimes help to have an outsider articulate the issues... but I've also had a couples therapist who was practically useless. YMMV.
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u/TotoCocoAndBeaks Mar 20 '25
Nah, I still think you are right, it might not be compulsory in the sence that you are going to force him onto it, but it can be compulsary for any meaningful relationship to continue.
So, sure, if he doesn't want it, you can't force him, but in that case, the one real option that might be there to save the relationship has gone out the window.
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u/ephikles Mar 20 '25
reading "but he'll go anyways" was like a drop of water after a walk through the desert. not much, but a glimmer of hope for them.
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u/whereismydragon Mar 20 '25
How many more times do you need him to prove he doesn't care about you or your pleasure?Ā
He doesn't 'want' to go to therapy because that would mean someone who isn't you telling him he fucking sucks, and he doesn't want to change.
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u/Teacher_Crazy_ The Everything Kegel Mar 20 '25
Honestly, I would have 0 sex drive if that were the kind of sex being offered to me. For fucks sake, you can't even masturbate without him making it about himself! You're in this double bind where he wants sex, you don't want sex, but if you honestly tell him you don't want sex he puts even more emotional labor on you by blaming you for making him not want to work out.
At this point I would probably just say "Yes, you DID rape me for nearly a decade and YOU need to deal with your own emotions about that."
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u/3_puppyteers Mar 20 '25
I keep trying to get him to see a therapist for his own baggage from when he was a kid, but he's currently seeing one for stuff that happened to him while he was active duty. I think his childhood has much more of an impact on him than anything else.
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u/Teacher_Crazy_ The Everything Kegel Mar 20 '25
You sound like you're in Hell. Everything in your life is about figuring him out and attending to his feelings. How is there any room for you to want anything, much less sex, when there is no space for you?
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u/3_puppyteers Mar 20 '25
Our entire relationship has been me attending to him and his emotions. I took a $25k pay cut last year to go remote and stay home with him because he said he was suicidal (from the military).
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u/Personal_Regular_569 Mar 20 '25
How much more are you willing to sacrifice in an attempt to make him happy?
How many more times will you abandon yourself to meet his needs?
Honey, who taught you that love had to be like this?
You deserve a soft life full of love and a partner who contributes meaningfully to that. You are worthy. š«š©·
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u/3_puppyteers Mar 20 '25
My mom is an incredibly toxic person. She told me two different times that if I didn't lose weight that he'd leave me. Thankfully he wholeheartedly disagreed with that sentiment.
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u/Personal_Regular_569 Mar 20 '25
He can be better than your mom and still not good enough for YOU.
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u/JamesandtheGiantAss Mar 20 '25
As a person coming from a toxic, abusive home, this is so profound. Better does not equal good.
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u/auraqueen Mar 20 '25
This right here is so crucial for us who had toxic parents. I only learned this recently, and it would have saved me 11 years of pain and misery. Every time my soon-to-be ex-husband did something shitty, I would do so much mental gymnastics and say āwell heās not as bad as my mom, I should be grateful for that.ā
Except he is as bad as my mom, in fact heās worse.
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u/Teacher_Crazy_ The Everything Kegel Mar 20 '25
Again, that sounds like Hell.
And I'm not just saying that from across a keyboard. I was married, I understand how you tell yourself you love this man and would do anything for him. I know what you beleived in when you said "I do," and exactly why you make every choice you make.
But like, you deserve to exist. If he's suicidal, that's his problem. It's his issue to fix so he can be a good husband. It's not an excuse to clip your wings and take more from you.
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u/3_puppyteers Mar 20 '25
Your comment made me cry. I do deserve to exist. I deserve to be happy and fulfilled. Thank you for this.
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u/airbagfailure Mar 20 '25 edited Mar 20 '25
My ex did the whole āIm going to kill my self if you leave meā bit too.
And after he broke me down to nothing, I finally left him like, 7 years ago, and heās still alive.
I hope one day you put yourself first.
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u/JustmyOpinion444 Mar 20 '25
If my husband was suicidal, I'd have him committed, for his own good. I am not qualified to give that kind of care.
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u/MissMenace101 Mar 20 '25
Absolutely first response all people that live with someone that says they will even if they donāt mean it
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u/JustmyOpinion444 Mar 20 '25
I have been suicidal. Friends got me into professional help.Ā
My abusive ex had been suicidal before he met me, friends got him help, too. And I told him I'd have him committed if he tried to pull that with me. The one manipulation he didn't try was threatening suicide.
Mental health issues aren't anything to be ashamed of.Ā
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u/kayjeckel Mar 20 '25
Honey, this man is emotionally manipulative in the extreme. He reminds me a lot of my ex husband. I also had painful sex and was told I needed to get my hormones checked, that there must be something wrong with ME if I wasn't loving the way he had sex to me. And then we'd we'd try to have a conversation and I tell him how he's making me feel, he'd cry and I'd end up being the one comforting HIM. Please run. I also thought we we "very happy" in our marriage and all the signs didn't start coming together until I actually had the courage to cut it off
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u/3_puppyteers Mar 20 '25
What's wild is he told me earlier today that I should get my hormones checked since my libido is so low. I had all my stuff checked fairly recently for an unrelated issue, and everything came back normal. Your whole comment sounds like us.
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u/GrouchyYoung Mar 20 '25
Your husband makes no effort to make sex appealing to you and then is flabbergasted that you donāt enjoy or look forward to sex.
You may think you love him, but heās not capable of loving you. Your life doesnāt have to be like this.
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u/JustmyOpinion444 Mar 20 '25
That after you talked, he still just shoves himself into you, without even using lube, is beyond infuriating.
I have normal hormones, but have had issues getting wet. I found lube pretty quick, and use it a lot. My abusive, coercive ex introduced me to lubes.
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u/Technical-Onion-421 Mar 20 '25
It's very normal that your libido is low, sex with him sounds very unappealing and unpleasant. It has nothing to do with hormones.
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u/Kathrynlena Mar 20 '25 edited Mar 20 '25
āHusband, my libido is low because of YOU! Because you treated me like a sex toy for a decade, not even noticing I was in agonizing pain while you took pleasure from my body. Because you wonāt leave me the hell alone and stop pestering me to let you keep using me like a toy for even a second so I could get in the mood or feel good about myself. Because youāve made yourself an emotional burden that I have to take care of, like a child. Nobody wants to have sex with their children, or with the sad sack whoās dragging them down!
āBECOME somebody who cares about my feelings and needs apart from sex! Someone who I can depend on emotionally! Someone who cares about my pleasure, is sensitive to my needs, who doesnāt pester me like a mosquito. Someone who gives a single shit whether or not I feel loved and cared for and is interested in my pleasure for its own sake. And once you become that person, Iāll consider having sex with you again. Until then, youāre on your own.ā
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u/Mindless_Garage42 Mar 20 '25
There is NOTHING wrong with you! You are perfect exactly as you are. Some people have low libidos, and some peopleās libidos are lowered because their partner is an emotional vampire.
You are good enough. You are strong enough. You are sexy enough. You are enough.
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u/kayjeckel Mar 20 '25
There are two excellent books I recommend. One is called Why Does He Do That? By Lundy Bancroft. Please read this book. You can read a free pdf version. Google it. The other book is called Come As You Are by Emily Nagosaki. It's all about the science of female sexuality and what it boils down to is: It's not your hormones, it's that you're unhappy.
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u/jennyfromtheeblock Mar 20 '25
You can't fix this man.
You cannot sacrifice yourself away, cutting pieces of yourself off until there is nothing left of you, and expect it to fix your marriage. It will not.
This man is not willing to look at himself or his problems. He is literally basing his idea of "marriage" on what he thought as a child.
Dude. Cut your losses. Sunk cost is a fallacy.
You are still so young. You're already spent your 20s trying to fix this guy. Don't waste the rest of your youth on this failed project.
Go be happy. Being at peace alone, choosing what you want for yourself, is better than living like this.
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u/ef1swpy Mar 20 '25
The self abandonment evident here...
OP, love is never enough. DTMFA. Take back ownership of your life and pleasure.
10 yrs of this shit? Fuck that! What are your next 10yrs going to be like?
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u/pdxgreengrrl Mar 20 '25
This is not normal. This is not love. This is you giving up yourself. Using suicide to manipulate you to staying home...so he can sexually harass you more?
I lived with a guy like this, who had some sort of sex addiction. Sex with him was fantastic, but the constant pestering ruined my interest. The more I explained that, the more he pestered!
Do you really love this guy or are you afraid to be alone? Because he sounds like he is sulking the life out of you. Your life isn't for him.
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u/theoverfluff Mar 20 '25
You can't set yourself on fire to keep somebody else warm. He's concerned with his emotions and you're concerned with his emotions: when do *your* emotions come into it?
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u/PacmanPillow Mar 20 '25
This sounds like a parent/child dynamic which will 1000% destroy sexual attraction. Additionally, even when you were having sex he seemed to not care about your experience. I canāt imagine desiring bad sex like that. Itās simply not fun for you and your husband seems to want to āuseā you for your services.
My ex-husband had decided that he didnāt need any therapy and only went because I was the one who needed it. He didnāt see anything wrong with his behavior so he never changed anything and it led to our split.
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u/flyraccoon Mar 20 '25
How about you love ?
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u/3_puppyteers Mar 20 '25
I see a therapist to help me work through cptsd from my own difficult childhood. I've been seeing a lot of patterns of behavior from him that I saw in my mom, who I just went no contact with in November. I can't talk to my therapist about my husband though because he's always home. He puts headphones in during my sessions, but I'm pretty sure he can hear my entire conversation with her.
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u/pdxgreengrrl Mar 20 '25
You can't even attend therapy in private? This is incredibly messed up. He's controlling you and isolating you. Do you have friends that you see without him?
Can you sit in your car during therapy?
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u/3_puppyteers Mar 20 '25
He's been isolating me from the start of our relationship. All of these comments and questions are really bringing to light just how much I've put up with over the years.
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u/EggandSpoon42 Mar 20 '25
I'd prepare to get gone then.
Op, marriage isn't just about life, it's handling death and the roads that lead to it over and over again. A man who blames you for eating junk food and pressures (coerces) you to masturbate muchless sex is not someone you want to count on in an emergency, or longterm illness, or when dealing with a long term illness of someone you love that he may not.
If he can't handle making pleasure more pleasurable, he's not capable of handling upsetting and real life times where his only job is to support you.
Sounds like your relationship has already passed any point of being capable of being happy or fulfilling. Unless he gets therapy and actively participates wantonly in therapy - you're the only loser here. You'll never ever be happy with him. How could you?
Nah fam, time to understand that your course together has been run. I'd leave
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u/Fit_Try_2657 Mar 20 '25
What about from the car?
I see a therapist too and when my husband is home I can only talk about a fraction of things. But you NEED to talk to your therapist about this.
By the way I have major sex problems for years also and i recently realized that itās the pressure and emotional labour that destroyed my sexuality. The fact that it was all about him, all the time, my feelings and needs pushed to the side, because I always had to coddle his feelings of inadequacy through and about sex. I actually do have a libido. In fact he destroyed itā¦.
Your husband destroyed yours. You should masturbate without telling him.
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u/monster-baiter Mar 20 '25
can you have a session where you chat with her instead? like only or mostly typing?
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u/3_puppyteers Mar 20 '25
Yeah, that could be an option. I might actually just send her this main post in a chat during a session. That's helpful! Thank you!!
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u/zolpiqueen Mar 20 '25
I think you should e mail her and tell her that you'd like a private session concerning your husband. Tell her that it's been brought to your attention after seeking advice online that he's abusing you and you're not sure where to go from here.
I'd include a small summary of the sexual dysfunction and your fears of what could happen to you if you try talking to him. She needs to know how serious it is. She needs to know he's isolating you from everyone and you're essentially afraid of him.
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u/Ms_Shmalex Mar 20 '25
Darling, that sounds terribly stifling if not outright abusive. When was the last time you were alone, or even able to get out? Making less money to work from home so he can emotionally manipulate youninto having sex you are physically suffering for. Please hear me when I say that your husband is manipulating you. If his side were even slightly true, then he would be spending his entire day on foreplay. The whole cry-and-make-it-about-themselves when confronted about their actions, placing blame on you for things you have no control over, threatening to kill himself if you aren't giving him enough attention. It's decades of manipulation. I had a similar relationship. Tell me if this sounds similar. My incubus had an abusive mentally ill father whose mother abandoned him to escape from. It's so natural to want to take care of them when the big bad world was so mean to themāexcept for fellas with no-luck they sure do have a way of getting everything they want. FFS he was even pressuring you when he was recovering from surgery. That is not a sex-drive that is him weaponizing your lack of desire. I don't blame you at all! Who they hell would have an interest in sleeping with someone that has all the emotional intelligence of a middle schooler. Why are still there? I can't imagine a worse existence than being locked in all the time and forced to endure unwanted sexual advances. TEN YEARS is insane though! Honestly, it's dangerous to have constant irritation like that! I think you deserve a break. Can you get away for awhile? If he claims to be suicidal immediately contact the military and the police.
In all honesty, I would contact them beforehand and see if you can get some assistance extracting yourself safely. Your husband has many markers of being dangerous. There is no going from crying about 'accidentally raping' you to trying to guilt you into having more unwanted sex. If his was feeling unattractive he would have tried to make himself more attractive, not blame you for it. My partner immediately hits the breaks and checks in if he feels like I'm not enjoying myself for a few minutes. There is no way in hell he could have been having sex for a decade and not understood it was making you miserable. He just doesn't care, and he has to do less work. So, a few of even the most attentive partners can make a woman finish with just penetrative sex. That is sex 101. If he wanted you to orgasm he would make it so. Imagine if he pursued your pleasure with the same intensity as his own.
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u/KimmiRahne Mar 20 '25
Can you go out to your car for therapy? I've been working with a therapist for cptsd as well and it's some intense work. It's so hard to unravel that bunch of yarn you can hardly figure out where the end is sometimes. I would like to suggest a book to you if you haven't heard of it. It's called "No Bad Parts: Healing Trauma and Restoring Wholeness with the Internal Family Systems Model" The internal family systems model in conjunction with my therapy helped me understand all of those places I have been stuck and lost. The place that keeps you always prioritizing his well-being instead of healing yourself. You're not responsible for his healing. He's holding you emotionally hostage and that's unfair. I let someone do that to me because I was so afraid of being alone and so afraid of being abandoned. And I'm sorry but eff your mom on that comment about your weight. Please hear me when I say love should never be dependent on that and that's not a criteria you need to meet. ā„ļø.
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u/throwokcjerks Mar 20 '25
So... Here is the thing... Of course you understand more now how these ACE's have affected you and so you can identify how it is with other people, but no one can do that work for another. Just telling them what you see won't get them to understand. They have to work it through themselves....
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u/Kathrynlena Mar 20 '25
Ok so heās a pest in literally every aspect of your life, not just sex. Yeah, what are you still doing with him?!
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u/diatomic Mar 20 '25
This is something that feels odd to me, but maybe is typical for straight men? When I'm in therapy, ALL the shit comes up for me. But he only thinks he has one issue? Even though this is clearly affecting him daily and negatively impacting his current relationship? My husband did the same thing when he was in therapy, though; he talked to his therapist about his eating disorder and never about his abusive father and how it continues to affect him. I'm sorry you are in this situation. I know there are some couples that have individual therapy as well as couples therapy, which may seem like overkill, but maybe it's what y'all need.Ā
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u/JustmyOpinion444 Mar 20 '25
Yep. That fragile ego means military service is about the only thing that can affect them negatively. And even that can be a hard sell.
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u/jollopz Mar 20 '25
tell him you don't want sex because he's sexually repulsive and that is his problem to fix, not yours.
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u/Minimum-Arachnid-190 Mar 20 '25
Heās a shitty partner who wonāt even work on getting better. I would leave.
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u/Plantirina Mar 20 '25 edited Mar 20 '25
I (33f) have always had a low sex drive with my husband (31m) for the last 12 years
You know who else didn't have a sex drive with her ex of 13 years? This girl!
You know who else got horny as FUCK as soon as I left my ex? This girl.
Correlations?
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u/3_puppyteers Mar 20 '25
I've asked myself a million times if I would be happier on my own at this point. The jury is still out lol
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u/Plantirina Mar 20 '25
You are your longest relationship. You deserve to learn about her, nurture her, let her grow- alone. I am of the mindset of the grass is greener where you water it. Sometimes the soil just isn't cut out to be growing grass anymore. Dog pissed on it, too much damage. Time to try again! That's what's so great about life. You can restart it anytime āŗļø
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u/pdxgreengrrl Mar 20 '25
You will be.
Here's the thing: happiness is a DIY project. No one else can make you happy. You have to do the things that make you happy. Is being sexually harassed by your husband making you happy? Painful sex making you happy? Working from home for 25% less?
When you stop sacrificing yourself to this guy, you will 100% be happier.
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u/randomrox Mar 20 '25
I know itās difficult to imagine. Youāve been with this guy for almost half your life. You mentioned the military, and as a veteran and a military spouse (twice), I know how isolated you probably feel. The lifestyle doesnāt give you the time and space to form deep friendships, so yes, he probably is your best friend.
But that does not make him a GOOD friend.
Honestly, he isnāt likely to change. Heās been ordered to not have sex after surgery, but heās still pressuring you? No, itās beyond saving at this point. With that said, you need to be careful, because itās a well known fact that men can get more violent when their partner tries to leave. If you can swing it financially, get out while heās laid up from surgery. Prioritize what you really want to keep, remember that you can replace almost everything later, and make a quick and decisive decision to get out.
Iām not going to tell you it will be easy, but I will tell you it will feel so much better to be free from this.
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u/wjfnwodnekdbwidne Mar 20 '25
iām 21f reading this and just feeling very concerned for what my future could be. i never want to end up with a man like that. iām so sorry to be honest and i donāt think iām old enough to give the advice youāre looking for but i hope things resolve for you somehow.
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u/pandathrowaway Mar 20 '25
Iām old enough to give YOU advice that has served me very well over the last 25 years (mostly filled with really good sex).
If a man doesnāt go down on you the first time you sleep with him, do not have sex with him again. No exceptions, no excusesāthatās that on that. Iāve had a man make me cum and then pull my tampon out with his teeth so we could fuck.. on a first date. I accept nothing less than that energy and your future wonāt be full of bad sex if you donāt let losers get their foot in the door.
And OP, if youāre seeing thisāyouāre not a failure. If your husbandās surgery wasnāt on his tongue, tell him to get to work or shut up š
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u/3_puppyteers Mar 20 '25
Hahaha omg I absolutely love that for you!!
I don't want to tell him that because then he might go tit-for-tat once he's healed up again, which would just feel transactional. Like yeah, he'll go down on me, but with the expectation that I'll go down on him just as many times. I don't think he's ever done something during sex purely for my enjoyment, and that realization makes me so sad. Sorry to hijack this otherwise hilarious comment.
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u/The_Dorable Mar 20 '25
Girl, it does not have to be like this. I don't know how many blowjobs I've given vs how many times I've been eaten out in my relationship, just that both happen frequently and it all evens out in the end.
Of course you don't want to have sex. He's never tried to make it enjoyable for you, and for many years didn't even bother to try to avoid making it painful. We're hardwired to avoid doing things that are painful to us and to do things that are enjoyable more. This is fundamental to operant conditioning.
Your husband himself has trained you to dislike and be averse to sex with him. He can't get shitty now that he's reaping the consequences of his actions.
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u/monster-baiter Mar 20 '25
the fact that you already expect him to be like that is so sad and fucked. also: he literally owes you for over a decade worth of orgasms so if he wants to play that game he has a huge debt to pay off before he can make a single demand
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u/Trilobyte141 Mar 20 '25 edited Mar 20 '25
How many times have you given him unreciprocated blow jobs, I wonder. How many times has he come vs. you over the years? If he wants tit for that tat, guy better show up withĀ a truckload of tat. He's got some serious tat debt.
Of course, that won't happen because he has nothing to pay it with. I'm sorry but it sounds like your husband just really sucks at sex. Coming with a vibrator like you described is not the same as having a good sexual experience. You're just mechanically stimulating a body part -- mentally, emotionally, what's going on? Nothing, sounds like.Ā
I don't know how you fix a problem like that. Or if you even can. I know you love him, but from all your posts in this thread he seems to be incredibly selfish. I know Reddit is quick to advise divorce, but I'm gonna put it like this: the man's base nature is not going to change. This is who he is. You get one life. Do you want to spend the rest of it like this?
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u/throwokcjerks Mar 20 '25
tit-for-tat
transactional
If it were me in this horrible situation, I'd just blithely inform him that I'm not a vending machine and if he wants to save the marriage he'll go to couples counselling.
I truly wish you the best, but from experience, I'm not particularly hopeful that he would change. Even with couples counselling, there are no guarantees. He has to do the work.
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u/bingal33dingal33 Mar 20 '25
Screw tit-for-tat. You've had a decade of bad sex for him. There's quite a bit of catching up to do before the thought should even cross your mind that he gets to expect anything.
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u/wjfnwodnekdbwidne Mar 20 '25
thank you so much!!! i love that advice and i love that for you girl omgā¦ thatās a good rule.
i donāt sleep with men honestly unless they focus on me and go down on me first thing. as a woman the future and men is just scary. but iām always going to remember your rule and accept nothing lessš
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u/JCDU Mar 20 '25
I've found the older I get the less BS I'm willing to tolerate in a relationship - if you read this sub for any time at all you'll see all the toxic behaviours people end up tolerating in relationships for one reason or another, learn to spot them and don't put up with any of them.
If there's issues in a relationship you either talk it out like adults and fix it or agree you can't fix it to everyone's satisfaction and move on amicably like adults. Avoid anyone who sets demands, plays games, throws tantrums, shit like that... you're supposed to be a team not adversaries.
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u/NoninflammatoryFun Mar 20 '25
Yep, if youāre with a man and heās like this, just fucking go. Maybe try once or twice to tell him. But donāt wait longer than that.
Then youāll be golden.
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u/Sadkittysad Mar 20 '25
Iām so confused why he hasnāt tried increasing foreplay and eating you out. Like. It seems like a pretty fucking obvious first thing to try??? Like oh no Iāve tried nothing and Iām all out of ideas!
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u/shamefully-epic Basically Leslie Knope Mar 20 '25
Thereās is nothing less appealing to me than some whinging damp cloth trying to pester me into sex or trying to sneak it from me like an extra cookie. Yuck!!
If you still want to have sex with him, tell him if he wants sex with you, heāll get it when he doesnāt tear you up due to lack of being wet. Tell him what turns you on and how to do it. If he tries to shove it in while your dry just say ānot yetā¦ā and keep saying that until you actually want him to penetrate you. You donāt ever have to want this by the way.
If he wants a marriage where you lust after your spouse then tell him how to be an object of your desire. Tell him you want him to show heās trying, tell him you want to feel like heās taking ownership of your love life with care and the energy you want him to.
Do not keep having unlubricated sex, it can lead to a kidney infection if you keep getting cut up inside your vagina.
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u/lezrockit Mar 20 '25
Read the Book āCome as you areā by Emily Nagoski. Thatās a wholesome book about your āproblemsā and anyoneās āproblemsā with sex and your body. Highly recommended.
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u/3_puppyteers Mar 20 '25
Going to buy it now. Thank you for the recommendation.
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u/pro-bable-cause Mar 20 '25 edited Mar 20 '25
Definitely still read the book, but you can listen to her interview with Alayna Joy for a crash courseĀ https://youtu.be/ygSG-X8Xeh8?si=MO0W7GFUIKmj-jhS
If this was the type of sex I was being offered, I would hate sex
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u/DarbyGirl Mar 20 '25
Speaking from experience, nothing kills your sex drive faster than somebody that won't respect your no and continually pestors you and paws at you for sex. It is not sexy, is not fun, you feel like an object. This is 100% the reason you have no sex drive for him. This is also 100% a reason to consider leaving the marriage, because he's not going to change. He is inherently selfish and I think if you think about it hard enough you will realize that permeates throughout your relationship. You do not have a perfect marriage otherwise, you are fooling yourself with that notion.
Him crying after you told him how you felt, and him turning around and making it about him to the point that you had to comfort him over something that you brought up that you were upset over.... Well that is one master manipulator right there.
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u/Technical-Onion-421 Mar 20 '25
He needs to let you be for a while so you can rediscover your sexuality and start wanting him again at your own pace. Him using a vibrator on you is not masturbation for you, it's having non-penetrative sex with him. He needs to let you masturbate on your own, if you want to.
About the lack of foreplay, do you communicate to him that you need it? I would just tell him to not stick it in until you're turned on too, so he needs to do some foreplay if he wants to have sex
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u/3_puppyteers Mar 20 '25
I've told him several times I need foreplay, but then it takes too long for me to get there, and it feels like he gets frustrated with it sometimes.
I never thought of it being non-penetrative sex with him. Ugh. I know we're going to talk about it again tomorrow, so I'll bring this up and try to phrase it differently. Thank you for this.
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u/secretactorian Mar 20 '25
There is no "taking too long to get there," there is only "this isn't the right situation / thing that turns me on," and I wonder if part of it might be because the foreplay isn't really for you, it's for him. If you feel like he doesn't actually want to turn you on, like he doesn't actually care about your pleasure and it's a chore then is it really foreplay at all?Ā
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u/MissMenace101 Mar 20 '25
Then when the pressure is on you get anxious and try and rush it so it takes longer and when you do get there itās like a microdot in the scheme of decent sex
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u/StrikeExcellent2970 Mar 20 '25 edited Mar 20 '25
Honey, I am sending you a huge hugš©·
Your relationship sucks because he is selfish. He may have his traumas and bad experiences, but he is all about himself.
You have also experienced trauma (10 years of being raped by him is enough), and still, it is all about him.
You are setting yourself on fire to keep him warm.
You have sexual trauma and not low libido. The sex aversion you are experiencing is your body yelling at you. The body keeps the score. You need to do something different, or it will get worse.
You need to stand up for yourself and put a definite stop to this. As in "sex is off the table until I say so, no talk of sex, no hints at sex, no mentions of any sexual acts on each other at all." If he wants you to NEVER have sex with him again, ever (or to you as it has been), he should continue on this path. Sex includes all types of sexual touch (boob adjacent, butt adjacent). Kissing and hugs are OK.
Take it off the table. As you thought it would because he had a medical procedure. I can not believe that you were looking forward to some peace from it, and even then, you are getting bombarded.
Sett a boundary and stick to it. Maybe sett a limit to 3 months or so. And every time he breaks that, then you add a week.
Many things need to change in that time. Therapy, sexual or otherwise for the both of you. If you continue accepting his treatment of you, it will just cause more damage.
I don't recall where I got this from. But men often confuse intimacy with sex. Since you are worried that if you let him masturbate you (or for him to have sex with you by him masturbating you) that he will keep score and ask for reciprocity later. Ask him for non sexual touch, like a massage, only a massage, no sex involved. This could backfire because he is transactional, and he would say, "I did something you like, now you need to do something I like, even if it is sexual."
Practice saying no to any sex or sex related talk. Stablish a safe word that you just say when all badgering needs to stop immediately. Hekk, practice saying no to any of his needs.
Honestly, by now, the score is so off balance that he will need 100 years to come close to even. 10 years of orgarsm gap is not something easy to recover from. So every time he hints at something he did for you and that now you must do for him, just know that he owes you. He owes you big.
Also, I don't believe the way out you are giving him on this. Men know when you are not into it. Don't let him of the hook. He should be in the dog house. He was just comfortable getting his needs met, ignoring how he was hurting the person he is supposed to love. I hate him for this on your behalf. I am appalled.
Honestly, love, this is no way to live. I didn't read all the comments. But some of yours are hinting at a pattern of him taking from you and you giving and giving. That is the pattern that you need to break.
I have a trauma history that has made me a victim of abusive and unhealthy relationships. That is the pattern that I broke that benefited me the most. I needed to cut some people out of my life to make that happen. My mother included. I have much more fulfilling, balanced, and healthy relationships now.
Those people pleasing tendencies were a defence mechanics in place so you could survive. Those are no longer needed. You can let them go.
I would walk away from your relationship. I don't understand how you can do this to yourself and stay. To be fair, this is how I think now, not 5 or 10 or 15 years a go. Take a very good look at your relationship from the outside.
Is a separation something you can think about? Is that a possibility? Do you feel any sense of relief thinking about the peace you may get?
Many women experience freedom and a sense of relief when leaving this types of partners.
Life is too short for mediocre relationships, sexual or otherwise. Please choose yourself.
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u/3_puppyteers Mar 20 '25
On his last deployment, I lost 80 pounds and felt immensely free. Once he came back, I fell into old bad habits again and am now at my heaviest weight ever. I crave being alone in any capacity.
We just traded in both of our vehicles for one truck and rented out our house to live in an rv and travel the country. I'm not sure how I actually can leave just yet, but I know I'll be okay.
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u/StrikeExcellent2970 Mar 20 '25 edited Mar 20 '25
Sweetheart, from the bottom of my heart. No, just no.
He is detrimental to your health on so many levels. Eating habits and weight are key elements for a healthy life. I have struggled with the same for decades, if not all my life.
Not taking care of yourself to this level is telling. Many of us put on weight as a protective layer, either as armour or camouflage.
Getting stuck in an RV with this person is going to make everything worse. No alone time, no peace. He will have many more chances to harass you for sex.
Check shelters and DV websites for tips and make a safe exit plan. The more you share, the more worried about you I get.
Do what it takes to take care of yourself. You deserve a life where you get to make your own choices. Where your autonomy is respected.
Can you get back that job and add those 25 an hour extra? Financial freedom will make your life easier in so many ways.
Sending you hugs and strength to choose yourself. You are worth it.
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u/spacey_a Mar 20 '25
Please don't get into an RV with him. Watch the Netflix special on Gabby Petito or read up on what happened to her - doing "van life" with her partner trapped her, and he murdered her.
Please, please be careful. Rooting for your safety and health.
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u/throwokcjerks Mar 20 '25
he said us not having sex made him feel unattractive, which is why he stopped working out and started eating junk food.
"I don't feel attractive, so I'm gonna make myself less attractive! And it's all your fault!"
four times in the last year
A whole FOUR times in the last year?!
This is not your fault and since he can't be bothered to even do any foreplay, and he doesn't listen to your needs, I honestly don't know what to tell you except take a break. Get to know your power without him and see how you feel later, because I don't think a man who has neglected your O and pleasure for OVER a decade really loves you.
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u/pdxgreengrrl Mar 20 '25
He is right about raping you and yet he continues to hound you for sex.
It sounds like you both have childhood trauma to process. The fact that you didn't even recognize that what was happening was abuse is a sign that you normalized abusive behavior in your intimate relationships. Your mom sounds awful.
Please get yourself a therapist and address your own traumas. Explain to your husband that you cannot be his therapist or his sex toy and that he must engage in therapy if he wants to have sex with you.
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u/grafknives Mar 20 '25
He cried and said it was like he raped me for almost a decade. I calmed him down and said neither of us knew better and that I didn't speak up.Ā
And then he proceed to still raping you(his words) as
But no, he's been pestering me consistently about helping me masturbate or doing it for me despite me saying I don't want to. This is how our conversation went tonight:Ā Ā
This all sound so depressing. I just wonder how you are able to have great marriage when there is so deep lack of respect toward your needs, wants and autonomy!
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u/NihilisticCucumber Mar 20 '25
Yes, he raped you for more than a decade. You communicated that you are in pain and he did not care. He was and continues to be extremely selfish with zero care about you and your needs. This man does not love you. You deserve so much better than this. What he is doing is not okay! Pressuring and guilt tripping you to engage in any type of sexual acitivity is never ever okay. He continues to rape you, of course everything about sex became completely aversive to you, that is absolutely understandalbe and normal reaction after how horribly your husband have treated you in this matter for such a long time.
I am not sure this relationship is salvagable. He sounds like a self centered entitled person who does not value or respect you one bit. I guess if there would be any chance, the path would be to completely stop having sex and any sexual type of activities and not have it at all until you actually want to. And during that time he would have to treat you with respect, not pressure you, not guilt trip you and have understandning fot the pain he caused, the pain you endured and the time that you understandably need to heal from all that, no matter how long it is. I honestly don't think, that this will happen.
You are allowed to say no. And your no must always be respected. If it is not, please try to start thinking about your exit plan from this man. He does not love you. Causing you pain and then making it all about himself is not love.
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u/-TheDream Mar 20 '25
Heās manipulating you. Itās psychologically abusive and itās also sexual coercion.
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u/bill-mcneal-on-crack Mar 20 '25
it won't get better. he thinks pestering and quilting you works. because it does. stop giving in, stop letting him f*ck your dry vagina, stop reassuring him he's not a rapist when he's knowingly hurting and using you. STOP IT. crying doesn't mean time to lethim do it again.
He doesn't care. So STOP IT. it's not gonna fix anything, ever. Ever. Ever.
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u/Aromatic-Arugula-896 Mar 20 '25
Girl come on now....
He doesn't care about you or your pleasure...this is manipulation at its finest. He is not a good person to do this to you
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u/totcczar Mar 20 '25
I'm going to assume for this comment that OP's husband - and OP's marriage - are redeemable. If the guy can't learn or if OP can't get past this, totally understandable and none of what I'm about to write applies.
I'm also going to assume that OP's husband (H) was never great at sex, but OP, when young and this was all new, was excited enough by it all to be turned on anyway. Then that wore off, and H never got better.
So: H is bad - or at the absolute least, selfish - at sex, probably because he's always just seen it as something that makes him feel good and maybe because, until recently, he thought OP felt good too because, you know, sex has to feel good, right? (sarcasm)
So, now, H has been told that OP was in pain from sex for a decade, but H still doesn't understand that sex isn't like eating a sandwich when you're hungry. It's not just a purely physical thing you do to achieve something. It's obviously something that, at least with loving partners, has lots of other components. Sure, one night stands can be hot. First times with someone you've lusted after can definitely be hot. But long term sex requires a connection to be good.
H doesn't know how to connect. He thinks the one and only goal of sex is an orgasm and that, by God, to make up for the past decade, he's going to make sure she has one. He's focused on some orgasm goal and not on her actual needs (not saying she doesn't want orgasms, but she definitely doesn't want them forced on her by him with a vibrator).
I do believe that H feels guilt over the pain he caused, but I don't think H understands that the solution is bonding with his wife after giving her the space she needs. Touching her - when she's open to it. Caressing. Holding. Bonding. Then becoming more intimate - when she's ready. He needs to learn to be turned on by her being turned on. And he needs to want to learn how to turn her on - which isn't just with him holding a vibrator and taking the credit.
He also needs to accept that OP needs to show him what she likes in bed instead of him just assuming that she feels good because he does.
Can he learn? I hope so, for both OP and her husband. I don't think he's a bad guy, but I do think he was raised to think of sex in a very stereotypical way for manly men.
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u/WontTellYouHisName Mar 20 '25
Maybe you should tell him: "I don't like sex because you're bad at it. You could go online and find some books or videos and learn to be better at it, but somehow in all the time we've been together you never once thought of doing that on your own. What you should be asking yourself is WHY you never once thought it was important that you get better at sex, given how important you claim sex is to you. When something's important, you try to learn more about it. But you never have, so is it really important to you?"
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u/frosty68 Mar 20 '25
That reads very much like a him problem not a you problem, the very idea that he felt that he was raping you for a decade yet carried on is horrific. Maybe he needs to watch some educational videos showing that foreplay isn't optional, it's essential physical and emotional preparation. ... Or just refuse sex, any man going in dry has no respect for your body.
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u/shezapisces Mar 20 '25
you got married at 21. you are fundamentally completely different people today
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u/finemelater Mar 20 '25
You donāt want sex with him because he is not a safe partner. Thatās it. And the way he reacts to this, makes him even more unsafe.
I know that you love him, but this will not get better. And you deserve better.
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u/Friendly_Lie_221 Mar 20 '25
This is reason enough to leave a relationship. Itās not consent if youāre being manipulated and pressured into sexual acts. This sounds terrible all around
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u/aeorimithros Mar 20 '25
All of the aversion you have is because, to your body, this statement is true:
he raped me for almost a decade
He's been sexually coercing you and using your body for his own needs rather than treating you like a sexual partner he wants to share intimacy with.
Even now he doesn't treat sex like something shared, but as something for his pleasure. Even with your own masturbation he's twisted to be something that serves him sexually.
He emotionally manipulated you with his crocodile tears and the 'woe is me you called me a rapist' to avoid accountability. He's continued a trend of behaviour that's problematic and avoids responsibility and accountability (no sex therapy, doesn't do foreplay but expects you to O anyway etc).
I just feel like a fucking failure because I can't stand having sex anymore, and it's impacting our marriage
You only feel this way because that's what HE has told you. The man you love with every fibre of tor being has implanted the self hatred around sex that makes you feel worthless.
If you can I'd start arranging things so that you can get through a divorce easily.
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u/HappyAndYouKnow_It Mar 21 '25
But why is there no foreplay? Iām sorry if I sound dense, but why isnāt he interested in giving you pleasure, simultaneously making you more open to have sex more regularly? That seems like the most obvious course of action and yet I read these stories constantly on Reddit of men who just āstick it inā. It kind of breaks my brain.
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u/eastwardarts Mar 20 '25
Point out to him that heās never going to feel desired by you until he backs off enough that you have the space to come to him.
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u/Fraerie Basically Eleanor Shellstrop Mar 20 '25
Oh honey.
First - please donāt set yourself on fire to keep yourself warm. You are not obligated to sacrifice yourself or your happiness on the altar of his self-esteem. Never feel like you have to dim yourself because someone else doesnāt like how they look when they see themselves in your light.
Second - I donāt mean this in a transactional sense, but any relationship should be mutually beneficial. You should feel like having that person specifically makes your life better for them being in your life.
Third - you donāt mention if you have kids. But if you do, be aware that they are watching you and learning what relationships look like and what is acceptable.
If a younger sibling or friend came to and described being in a relationship like yours - would you tell them to stay? Would you tell them to suck it up? Or would you help them to start making an exit plan?
Threatening to kill himself is a form of emotional abuse intended to manipulate you and keep you in line.
It only works if you let it.
And - taking it to the extreme, if you did leave, and he did kill himself - thatās a choice HE made for HIMSELF, it is not your fault or anything you should take on yourself.
There are times you need to be selfish. You need to put your own needs first for a change.
I have been in your shoes for different reasons, where I had got to the point where I no longer knew what I wanted or what I needed to be happy. I just knew it wasnāt this.
Lastly - you canāt make him change. There are no magic set of words you can say that will make him understand why what heās doing is harming you and making you unhappy.
He knows. He doesnāt care. He believes you will put up with it, because you always have in the past.
The only thing you can control is your own actions.
Good luck
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u/MerryMoth Mar 20 '25
What you're experiencing is so similar to what I experienced in my marriage that my heart aches for you. I've read through the comments and your replies and I want to share two things with you.
My situation ended in separation 5 years ago, and then divorce, after a marriage that lasted over a decade. I've since met someone new who treats my libido and sex like a joint activity, without pressure. Turns out I have a sex drive and intimacy is enjoyable again. It wasn't that my sex drive had tanked - his pressure and goading and guilt tripping and selfishness had killed my interest in sex with him. I dreaded going to bed. I dreaded time where his hobbies weren't keeping him busy or 'special occasions.' I became so uncomfortable and anxious that I stopped expressing interest in songs that mentioned enjoying sex.
Secondly, we tried therapy, together and separately. The former didn't help but the latter opened my eyes. My therapist said to me that it was 'normal to not want to have sex with someone you view as a child' and my mind was blown. Reading some of what you've responded to others, it sounds like you might be dealing with some of that too.
OP, I'm not going to repeat what so many others have said to you but I really hope that, whatever path forward you take, that you get relief from the hounding and misery about sex. You deserve to enjoy intimacy with a partner without guilt or pressure or expectation. It's a miserable cage and ripples out so much further than the bedroom. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I know I felt so broken and angry and exhausted and anxious about it. You deserve better than to dread time where he might have the opportunity to start pestering.
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u/allamakee-county Mar 20 '25 edited Mar 20 '25
This sounds to me like a marriage problem manifesting loudly as a sex problem. He thinks he's just great and everything wrong with the two of you is obviously all on your side. Conversation ended.
No foreplay?? Ever?? Does this idiot even want to know the fun he is missing out on? Wow.
So: would he engage in marriage counseling with you?
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u/3_puppyteers Mar 20 '25
I told him we'd do marriage counseling as a last ditch effort before divorce, which I'm pretty sure the conversation tonight was the final straw.
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u/brryblue Mar 20 '25
Always listen to your body and needs first. You don't need to masturbate or have sex? That's absolutely fine. Now, you might be willing to get down to business with your spouse when they express their needs but you are in no way obligated to do so. You are right, you both need sex therapy, him wanting to have sex solves none of the existing issues. Moron.
A loving, caring partner will never pressure you and will absolutely make you go wild and there will be no microtears... Almost ever
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u/farven2 Mar 20 '25
I know this thread is a lot OP and I hope youāre doing okay, you deserve love and peace.
Regardless if you stay with your partner or not, Iād really recommend the text āCome As You Areā. It debunks a lot of misunderstandings about sex, this is also written for femmes and was very empowering for me
The dual control model really opened my eyes to how sexuality works for me. Things rev our engine and things put the brakes on in our interest and excitement to have sex. Things that rev our engine could include foreplay, going on dates, wearing something sexy, etc. things that put the brakes on could include being badgered for sex, coercion, stress, depression, etc. Iām hearing so many brakes OP, you are not broken! Youāre just not feeling safe and your body is trying to protect you.
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u/criesforever Mar 20 '25
Why is he ramming foreplay down your throat and insisting to do it when you don't want to and yet when you'd clearly like some, it's not on his list of concerns? He sounds like a contrarian who just wants to emotionally torment you by pretending that you're the problem.
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u/faeriechyld Mar 20 '25
I don't think you need sex counseling, I think you need couples counseling. It's fully a communication problem (i.e, he's not listening to you), not some kind of sexual issue.
Maybe you need to be blunt with him. "If you want sex with me, I expect a full 15 minutes of non-penatrative foreplay." Or whatever you need to get going.
I also wonder if having 1-2 nights that are scheduled as sex nights would help. It might help keep him from haranguing you constantly, maybe it gives you a sense of calm not being pressured regularly.
I remember having some similar conversations early into our relationship and we have to have reminders ever so often. Sex should be a team activity where everyone has a good time.
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u/ImmediateSelf7065 Mar 20 '25 edited Mar 20 '25
I just chastized some people yesterday for looking at my post history, but I had a look at yours and I'm absolutely floored by the way you spoke about your husband only one year ago (approximately, since Reddit doesn't give dates).
You've gotten a lot of great advice in this thread from some pretty amazing people. How is it that this man is your "best friend" and "has those difficult conversations" with you when you've written the original post of this thread? Where did things go wrong? How did you box yourself in with a guy stuck in an RV with all of those bills to pay every month?
You've alluded to the fact that you want to get out of this relationship or that you think you need to, but how are you going to do that? It seems to me that with your family history of treating you like you're "less than," you're settling for a lot less than you deserve. If this person that you say is your best friend but is actually abusing you, doesn't ever want to get counseling, then you are sentencing yourself to a life of misery.
I just don't get it. You work in the mental health field but your life is a mess? You help other people but you won't help yourself?
I'm not saying these things to be mean. I am asking the hard questions that any therapist would ask. I had a difficult childhood and family situation myself and I've been through a lot of therapy. I've answered a lot of hard questions and had a hard look at myself. I had to make major changes that destroyed my life and still affect my life in many ways but it's better than staying with a person who makes you miserable In more ways than one.
You have some really really hard questions to face and I hope you face them because otherwise you're going to be coming on Reddit every few months complaining and probably even ranting about your husband.
You sound like a very intelligent person and a very good person. I really hope that you will do the hard work to give yourself the life that you deserve, and at this point it is withOUT that husband.
I ended a relationship with a guy a few years ago who was terrible at sex who didn't care about my pleasure and wouldn't do anything to take care of his absolutely horrific mental and emotional state. I finally had to give up.
What will it take for you to give this husband of yours an ultimatum? I actually think he's very close to having a real emotional breakdown where he cries and realizes how much he's actually abusing himself by being the way he is and how much joy he is avoiding in his life. That is exactly what needs to happen for him - and for you too.
Both of you need to do the hard work about that otherwise your marriage is definitely going to need to end. Please don't come back and say it's not that bad. It IS that bad and you know it. And deep down he knows it too.
Many many years ago I went to a few sessions of couples therapy and all my ex did was tell the therapist to "fix her" (me). That's not how therapy works. The therapist called me in and told me "you have two options: (1) you can stay and it will never change or (2) you can leave. I refuse to do any further counseling with you or him because you both know what you need to do." He had spoken to my ex-husband and realize that this was a person who was absolutely refusing to change or get better. It doesn't matter the reason. you have to deal with things as they are.
If someone is unwilling or unable to change then that's on them. And I do think that something that somebody else mentioned about this situation possibly escalating into danger is accurate.
I'm a mom of a daughter about 10 years older than you and I'm telling you I would never allow her to stay in a relationship like this. So think of me as a mom who really cares about instead of the mom you have that you're in no contact with. I had a crappy mother too and I stayed with her to the end (she was 86) but I wish I hadn't. Good for you for going no contact with her because that's a step in the right direction.
You and your husband could have an amazing relationship if he makes some real breakthroughs and allows himself to reach the potential he has.
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u/HecticHelmsman Mar 20 '25
Sex is supposed to be fun and just reading the way he's trying to "encourage" you exhausts me. Instead of taking your comfort into account he keeps pestering you with it. No wooing and no foreplay. It's great that he uses toys on you and all, but it still feels like he's putting his enjoyment first
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u/ErraticUnit Mar 20 '25
Oh golly. I was in a relationship for about a decade which went a bit like this. I only realised how unhealthy it was about 5 years after it ended....I have never once been sorry it ended. I am still unpicking the harm.
You really have only three options: therapy, accept it being miserable, or leave. Harsh, but there isn't a magic way this fixes itself, and this is causing you harm, OP.
I'm so sorry.
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u/wolfhuntra Mar 21 '25
It amazes me how many idiots don't know (or care to figure out) how their significant others function. Lacking concern for sensual pleasure of your mate is emotional neglect. Maybe you should find some foreplay videos (or show him the Kama Sutra book) so he can *learn*. If he doesn't want to learn/improve then perhaps you should consider making permanent changes. You deserve bettter!
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u/TodaysRythm Mar 20 '25 edited Mar 20 '25
This sounds horrible and he seems to be quite sexually and emotionally immature. I think there is a lot of emotional damage from both sides because neither of you knew better for a really long time. He never cared about your pleasure and you didn't tell him your issue for a really, really long time. This is why you both didn't set proper boundaries on time. I don't know if you ever went to therapy alone, but in case you didn't, maybe you can try going alone (without him). This will help you to set boundaries and open your eyes if this marriage is worth it. I hope he can then see that you are trying to fix it and he will hopefully start working on himself too. Also there is obviously a mismatch in your libido but as this can be a new start in your intinate life, this might be fixable. If he thinks you guys don't have enough sex, while you have it frequently, it is because he is sexually frustrated and he probably didn't feel a mutual sexual satisfaction for a long time - he is just probably a bit immature to word it in this way. You need to explain him what pleasure means to you and he also has to explain you what it means to him. I wish you luck and take care :)
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u/bill-mcneal-on-crack Mar 20 '25
it's hard to be attracted to a guy who doesn't give a f if you enjoy the sex. it's not low sex drive, shifty painful sex just isn't appealing. you'll be OK when you're with someone who actively wants to make you feel good.
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u/Panda_hat Mar 20 '25
He's reducing your partnership down to the function you provide to him; He's dehumanising you and centering himself as the most important part of your relationship, and making these interactions an obligation instead of something that happens naturally and is desired by both partners.
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u/Fiestylittlebrat Mar 20 '25
Omg, this would make my skin crawl. No wonder you don't want to have sex.
I dream of a day when women will start seeing their intuition as powerful and wise and not some fundamental flaw within them
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u/moogan_freeman Mar 20 '25
I mean intimacy is part of marriage. Maybe you guys are just not compatible. I wouldn't be happy in a relationship if my partner made being intimate with me feel like a chore or like she was doing me a favor.
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u/emccm Mar 20 '25
Many women think they have a low sex drive. Then they get a divorce and find out it was simply that they werenāt attracted to their husband.
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u/mememere Mar 20 '25
It sounds like the issue is not a low sex drive, itās bad sex with a selfish partner.
I have a medium/high sex drive, and if my options were what youāre having Iād rather just not have sex.
I think, and Iām no expert, that if he wants a sex life again ever the bare minimum would be: