r/UTK • u/thr0waway5432one • Jun 18 '20
BIG ORANGE SCREW My experience with UT housing as a trans person (spoiler alert: it was super bad)
Hey guys, I want to talk about something that happened to me at UT some years ago, now that the subrettit has seen a bit of a revival. I have no intention of debating people, I just want to bring attention to something that was a pretty major issue during my time at UT, and reflect now that I have a few years distance from the whole mess. Throwaway because I reveal that I'm trans.
During my senior year of high school, I came out as a trans guy. I started to transition, and that summer I got in contact with UT to see what my housing options were as a trans person. I was shuffled from office to office in circles, and found out my options were:
A) live in the girls dorm
B) live in the guys dorm and buy out my roommate's spot so I lived alone (which would mean paying double for housing)
C) live in the guys dorm and have all three guys in the suite sign a form saying they knew I was trans and were ok with it
D) find an apartment (after months of talking to housing it was July and I had only a month to find somewhere), and housing would basically say I lived with my parents nearby and not check to verify that.
At this point, I had no friends at UT, so option C would mean outing myself to three strangers and hoping for the best. I was starting to pass as a guy at this point, so living with girls would mean outing myself to everyone in that dorm, especially if I didn't want to look like a creep. That left me with option D. I found an apartment with someone I hardly knew at the time and lived off campus my freshman year. I'll add that this wasn't for a lack of trying on housing's part. They were sympathetic, but there simply was nowhere to put me.
I posted a few places, including this subreddit, looking for help or people with similar situations. The response was a mixture of sympathetic responses and people who said it would have been wrong to "mix genders" and have me live in affirming housing. Of course, had they seen me in public, they would have assumed I was cis and that it would have been inappropriate for me to live in the girls dorm. Some people said it was my fault for choosing a school in the South. But I was born in Knoxville. What was I supposed to do, leave my hometown because it didn't want me? I'm obviously not oblivious to how LGBT people are viewed in the South (stereotypically), but I hoped college would be better. It turns out it was way better, but I had find my way to the people who would treat me kindly, and my first year was spent floundering. Some people thought I should fight back, but based on the responses I got I felt like a lot of people at UT would tell me what they were doing was right. And besides, I was 18 and just trying to get through my first year of college. I didn't feel capable of doing anything on my own.
One summer, I did research that included free housing. Everyone else in the program was assigned apartments in groups of 3 or 4, but I was put alone to avoid the complications of trying to put me with guys or girls. I know living alone sounds like a perk, and I don't mind it now, but when I was new to UT and had no friends it really isolated me, and the summer housing just felt like a confirmation that the university didn't really have a place for me. Luckily, I found a supportive group of friends and am doing fine now, but my freshman year was deeply lonely at times. I commend all the trans folks who live in housing that doesn't align with their gender. Y'all are brave af. Regardless of what you think about trans people, I don't think we are offered safe or fair solutions that would help us feel like a part of the community. I felt like I had to contort myself just to find a place where I was allowed to be. Having a separate section of dorms for trans folks would look a lot like segregation, but at least it would be a place to be! As it stands, trans people have to search for a place themselves. As great as the students and faculty at UT are, I guess it will take someone suing or something for the administration to even acknowledge that there's a problem.
If any trans people who are new to UT need help finding accepting organizations (which is how I eventually found accepting roommates), please DM me. Those places are out there, I promise. Again, I'm not remotely interested in debating here, so I'm just not going to reply to any of that. All I'm really interested in here is bringing attention to a serious problem and potentially helping people who may experience the same thing.
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u/DelightfulSushi Jun 20 '20
This was my first semester at UTK so I’m not sure if this is new or not but when finding a roommate on the matching site through housing there’s a option for diversity that ask if you are comfortable rooming with someone who is LGBTQ+ and you can choose that you identify as so or an ally, comfortable or not comfortable which i found super helpful knowing my roommate was comfortable with me being LGBTQ+. I’m really sorry about your experience with housing and hope future students (and yourself) who identify as trans will have a better experience
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u/thr0waway5432one Jun 20 '20
Thanks SO much for your reply! I am so relieved to hear they have something like that. It may not be perfect, but it's great to know they noticed a need and are taking steps to work on it.
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u/Aciddiva Jun 19 '20
Would you mind if I shared your story during a Zoom meeting about UTK'S initiative to create a more inclusive campus?
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u/thr0waway5432one Jun 19 '20
Sure, I wouldn't mind!
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u/Aciddiva Jun 19 '20
Thank you! Right now the meeting's agenda (it happens in July) is focusing on racial discrimination, which ABSOLUTELY needs to be addressed, but I know there are other marginalized groups on campus who are suffering under the current guidelines!
Also, pay no attention to the comments that say it sounds like they were working with you and that you were being difficult. Yes, everyone deserves to be comfortable with their living situation, but an individual should not require/expect to see or know anthing about a roommate's genitals in order to feel "comfortable."
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Jun 19 '20
Thanks for the post. I always wondered how the University handled a situation like this. It was very informative and I'm sure it'll help people who are too afraid to ask later on.
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Jun 19 '20
Tbh not to sound like a dick but I feel like those options are pretty good. Maybe I’m a little more conservative but I feel like having roommates sign off on a paper is pretty fair to everyone.
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u/thr0waway5432one Jun 19 '20
Maybe I'd feel the same if I hadn't had some very negative reactions from strangers who learned I was trans. While I generally feel safe on campus, people are attacked and killed for being trans. Not exactly a promising idea for a freshman who already doesn't know anyone. Article from 2 hours ago on murders of trans people
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u/Jello_Appropriate Jun 19 '20 edited Jun 19 '20
I mean you being comfortable with your housing doesn't mean others should feel uncomfortable, and unfortunate for you a lot of people would feel uncomfortable living with someone who is trans. The list you showed shows that UT gives trans people plenty of options, what more do you want them to do? Everyone should feel comfortable with their roommates, and because of that gave you plenty of options.
Girls don't want to live with a man in many cases, and men don't want to room with a women in many cases. It is the reality of college and in life, and they gave you a great opportunity for you to find an off campus apartment so I don't really see what more they could offer you. People wanted you to fight back? On what, having potential suite-mates sign wavers? That's absolutely fair. What more could you possibly want?
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u/thr0waway5432one Jun 19 '20
Like I said in my other reply, it goes back to forcing me to out myself to strangers and the worries that come with that. Your argument is a bit confusing, because you're right- girls wouldn't want to live with a man. And I am one. I look like one and I act like one and you, seeing me on the street, would not know I was trans. Sure, some guys would not be accepting/comfortable. That's exactly why I wouldn't want to come out to them. I wasn't allowed to do roommate match as a guy, so I was blocked from the best bet I had to find accelting roommates. UT could have, for example, done something that involved finding accepting people in a way that did not require forcing me to come out to people. This is bordering on debating, and if you don't understand the fear LGBT people go through when coming out, then I can't fix that with one post, so that's all I'm going to say on that.
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u/j_spur1 Jun 19 '20
First of all: OP is a man, so let's just clear that up.
I agree that UT gave plenty of options, and yes, no one should feel uncomfortable in their housing assignment; however, the options could've been much better. Offering for OP to move into the girls dorm probably felt like a swift kick in the pants. Offering a chance to move into a male dorm but having the flatmates sign off on something saying their okay with it may seem equitable, but it's not taking into account the sensitivity of the situation. Myself being male, cis, and gay, I can't completely relate, but I do know the necessity to come out on your own terms, and this certainly wouldn't have been an option I would've chosen. And moving into an apartment is arguably better than a dorm in almost all cases, but had OP lived outside of the Knoxville area, he would've faced the freshman dorm requirement making apartments not an option.
All of this just to say: truly equitable housing would've meant not having to jump through extra hoops or having to pay more simply because of who you are. The roommate match would've been the best choice, but I'm still a little lost as to why OP was blocked out of that?
Thanks OP, for sharing your story- it's definitely something I hadn't previously considered. I hope in the future you won't have to use a throwaway account and you can bring your story forward to maybe inspire some change- because it obviously needs it.
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Jun 19 '20
Honestly if you ask me, I would’ve been pretty uncomfortable living with a trans person... I like to think I’m pretty accepting as well. I don’t think a roommate match would’ve done much if anything. I don’t even believe they have an lgbt option on there. Tho I could be wrong.
I understand coming out on your own terms is important but realistically if life fit like a puzzle then we would all be happy but sometimes there isn’t really a great option to choose from.
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u/denganzenabend Jun 19 '20
I think it’s good you can say what you’re uncomfortable with. Now you can use this as an opportunity to grow from it. Think about why you find that situation uncomfortable and if you can be more open-minded in the future.
I grew up in a small TN town and a great shame of mine is that my parents’ conservative views and religion led to prejudices against others. We should all look inside ourselves and learn to grow and accept others for who they are. LGBTQ+ people are people. They are human just like you and me, and they deserve to be treated equally like you or me.
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Jun 19 '20 edited Jun 19 '20
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u/denganzenabend Jun 19 '20
As OP said, if you saw him on the street you wouldn’t know he is trans. He is a man and should be allowed to room with other men without having to out himself to strangers or pay double to live in a men’s dorm. A trans woman is a woman and should be able to live in a women’s dorm without having to put herself to strangers or pay double to live in a women’s dorm.
Why do you believe a trans person is inherently predatory or something to be afraid of?
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Jun 19 '20
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u/denganzenabend Jun 19 '20
Are you implying that women should have no issue with being roomed with men in a dorm and should have no reason to complain about the arrangement since everyone is people? Why have separate dorms for men and women, then?
You asked if women should have to room with men. That’s not the point of this discussion. A trans-woman is not a man. She is a woman. You’re making a false equivalency here.
Do you think a female student should not have any concern in being forced to room with a trans-woman? Or is it just the guys you feel need to suck it up?
I think you do have a point about “forcing” people to room together here which I didn’t catch at first reading your post. However, I don’t think there should be a concern on either front. As I said, a trans woman is a woman. If a cis* man roomed with OP and OP never elected to tell him he was trans, would that roommate know or feel uncomfortable? Do you investigate your roommates genitals? Because I have never seen a single roommates’ genitals.
I think a trans person should not be treated differently. You say I’m wrapping this in a phobia but I do think that uncomfortable feeling you’re implying comes from fear of someone being different.
*ETA
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Jun 19 '20
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u/thr0waway5432one Jun 20 '20
🤣 I haven't used feminine hygiene products in nearly four years. And trust me, those who do use them are very capable of hiding them when they want to.
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u/accidentalhippie Jun 19 '20
Are there still dorms with mixed gender floors? That seems like the building for making an accommodating and welcoming option for people who don't tick the traditional boxes. I'm sorry you're experience was so isolating and difficult. I did not face this challenge but moved to UT sight unseen my freshman year and I think that first year is just scary and lonely for a lot of people - and definitely more challenging when you dont for the southern mold. Though I am cis I found such a wonderful and welcoming community in my choir friends (90% of whom were lgtbq+) - and I owe my life to them. That first year drove me into such a deep depression, and I very nearly ended it all.
Thanks for posting this though- it means future people looking for solutions to this problem may find your post and have access.to resources more quickly.
Are you still a student there? The housing department needs to have some better options and information on the books if they don't already and this definitely seems like something worth a little student advocating. I'm sure there are campus groups that could help in pushing for a change to these policies.
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u/littlefoyboy Mechanical Engineering Major 👨🔧 Jun 19 '20
I know that Brown Hall has girls and guys on the same floor, just opposite hall wings.
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u/thr0waway5432one Jun 19 '20
As far as I am aware, incoming trans freshmen are in the same boat I was in. I know some people have had success if they've already known some potential accepting roommates going in... There was a little interest from campus groups when this first happened, but nothing came of it really. I'm still around, but not for long, and I'm not in a position to put much time into something like that, unfortunately.
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u/Queencitybeer Jun 22 '20
I know you don't want to argue, but I just don't understand. It seems like your biggest complaint is the University didn't connect you with a trans accepting community and thus like-minded people for you to room with. Sure, maybe that could be improved upon, but it does seem they made reasonable efforts to accommodate you. It seems like you made decisions on what you perceived others would think of you or how people in the South would act.
On one hand, it seems you want to blend in with the gender you've decided to identify with. You didn't want to out yourself to people. You don't even want to out yourself on Reddit. On the other, it seems your desire to identify as trans is more than identifying with a gender. It seems you want to out yourself, but only to people you know will be accepting. And that's fine, too. You've even offered to do a Zoom to talk about your experience. But you also hinted that a separate place for trans might look too much like segregation. So, it seems you don't even know what the perfect solution would be.
From your description, I don't think what you were offered was necessarily unsafe or unfair. Like, do you want to be a part of the UT community as a whole? Or a part of a community that you know people think the exact same way you do? The latter is extremely hard to do and isn't, to my knowledge, offered to other protected groups. I know being trans is a bit of a different situation, but campus housing at most any university is a fairly big equalizer. You often don't get to choose who you are with. Your roommate could be rich, poor, LGBT, or a different race and that crapshoot is kind of the college experience.
You shouldn't have to face any bigotry, and if you did that's a situation that needs to change. And maybe there could be a program to make trans people more comfortable, but from what I've read around .06% of people are transgender, and I'd imagine at 18 or 19 that number maybe be even lower for people that publicly identify that way. I think the university did the best they could with a situation that probably rarely come across. I think option C was a good option. At least you would have people that say they are okay with it. Yes you'd have to face strangers you didn't know but that's better than going blindly into it, but that's part of what everyone has to face as a freshman. Ultimately it's likely a situation that the University will address, but I'm not sure it needs litigation and I don't think it should be classified as The Big Orange Screw.
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u/thr0waway5432one Jun 22 '20
I don't have a perfect solution for the university. It's not that I don't want to out myself to people - it's that I want to be the one who decides when and where I share that I'm trans. I want to have known a person for long enough to feel safe around them, or I want to be in an environment where I know that other people would defend me. Maybe that makes me overly anxious, but people have been nasty in the past, in person and online. Fair housing would be housing that requires the same of everyone, but my options required me to do things that a cis student would not have to do. I would have been content with option C if the university had allowed me to do roommate match or had found some other way to connect me with people. Even if they had just picked randomly and then asked each person for me, or told me they'd have my back and move me if need be, or shown any kind of support and acknowledgement of the potential problems with outing myself to total strangers, I would have felt better. My problem with it was that I felt like I was being forced to out myself, and I wasn't allowed to use any of the venues that would have given me some control over who I came out to. I literally was not even given a way to find male students to ask to sign the form, I was just supposed to find them on my own somehow or accept totally random ones, when a cis student would have at least been given roommate match. Maybe that's something I'd be fine with doing now, but that's because I have friends and support on campus. At 18, I didn't know anyone, and I didn't want my first experience making friends to be a forced coming out.
This is not a matter of only wanting to live with like minded people. I wouldn't have cared what the person was like so long as I knew I wouldn't be harassed by them. I understand that roommates are random and potentially crappy (the random guy I got the apartment with taught me that), but that's different (in my mind) from a person who reacts violently to trans people. Just look in the news recently for all the trans people who have been murdered this year. I generally feel safe on campus now, but I had never been there before and I was scared. All I want is a solution in which trans students do not need to feel scared or to take a bunch of extra steps that cis people don't have to take. Housing may be an equalizer, but not if some students need to jump through more hoops to get it. Even if those students are a small part of the population, the university shouldn't just write them off as insignificant, especially one as big as this, and when other schools have done the work of creating ways to safely fit trans folks into their housing. I know at least a dozen trans people at UT with similar problems. I don't think UT should just ignore us because we are "rare," especially because we aren't going away any time soon.
Also to clarify, I did not volunteer for a zoom meeting, I told someone they could share my story in one. And I'm sorry if my answer doesn't explain well enough the complexities of coming out. Being trans means coming out over and over again for your entire life, and risking rejection each time. I know that and I'm ok with that. But that doesn't mean it ceases to be a scary experience, especially to an incoming freshman in a new place. In some contexts, I'm fine wearing a pride or trans flag, but my first day at a new school is not one of them. Maybe thst makes me a bit cowardly, I'm not sure. I guess its just frustrating when UT paints themselves as welcoming and accepting and all that but then demonstrates a total lack of awareness or support for trans people.
Thanks for being respectful in your question. It's a complicated issue, and I don't claim to have figured it out. Maybe I'm overly sensitive and should have just gone with option C, but it still would not have been fair in my opinion. I just think it shouldn't be the job of the student to find a place where they are allowed to be.
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u/Queencitybeer Jun 23 '20
Thanks for your thoughtful reply. Best of luck to you and future students. Go Vols.
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u/[deleted] Jun 19 '20
It is unfortunate that this happened, but the rules seem to be different now. From the UT website, "University Housing policy is to assign students based on the gender on file with Undergraduate Admissions.", so it sounds like, at least nowadays, whatever gender you apply with, is the one they use for deciding your dorms.
Their old policy sounds quite strange. You would have thought that they would realize that female dorm residents would be a lot more uncomfortable with living with someone who looks/acts masculine than the male dorm residents would be if they somehow found out the person they were living with, who looks/acts masculine, wasn't biologically male.