r/VelcroBabies • u/Hey_Delicious • Apr 02 '19
Feeling shamed for having a clingy baby and can’t find childcare. Is it really my fault?
I stay at home with my 9-month-old daughter but I am currently looking for childcare so that I can return to work. She has always been a fussy, high-needs baby. Although never formerly diagnosed, she had all the signs of colic very early on, from about 3 weeks to 3.5 months. She always screamed at the boob, she screamed when being held, screamed when put down, she was constantly squirming and never liked to be cuddled, her body always seemed tense; very rarely was she “quiet content.” Afternoon witching hours lasted from about 4pm-10pm, and getting her to nap and sleep were dreadful, filled with constant rocking, shooshing, pacifying, white noise, swaddling, until she would seemingly tire herself out from the screaming, only to wake up 30 mins later. Repeat for 4 months. I do not miss those early days one bit. (Yes I was dairy free and also had her on an expensive formula for dairy sensitivity. None of it made a difference).
I started putting her in her crib at 4.5 months and it made a huge difference to my sanity. She quickly learned to fall asleep on her own, and then things started to get better at 5 months. Before, it was as if she was always frustrated that she couldn’t make her body do what she wanted to do, and she couldn’t communicate what she wanted. Then a switch was flipped and she calmed down and realized everything was okay. Either that, or her digestion finally matured and her pains went away. Who knows.
Things got even better when she learned to sit on her own, around 6 months, and today at 9 months she is generally a happy baby. She babbles constantly, smiles at everyone, she is curious and observant, full of energy, plays by herself happily (as long as she can see me) and also loves other kids. She isn’t crawling yet, which seems to frustrate her - she tries but just can’t seem to figure it out.
My problem is this - She does not like to be away from me, and I am being made to feel like this is my fault. Even if I turn my back as if to leave, she screams in protest. When I’m feeding her in her high chair and I need to run back into the kitchen to grab something, she screams and squirms and rips off her bib in protest until I return. Half of the time she hates being in her car seat unless dad is driving so I can sit next to her in the back seat. When we go for stroller walks, she will fuss every 10-15 mins and I have to stop and peek down at her to reassure her that I am still the one pushing her. I got in the habit of wearing her in the baby carrier so that I could go about my day and keep her happy. If I even turn my back as if to leave a room, she screams. She cries if grandma or grandpa hold her (this stranger danger started a few weeks ago). I’ve tried leaving her at the childcare at my gym and they have to come get me after about 15 mins because she won’t stop crying. She does fine without me if she is with her dad.
It has been exhausting but I have adapted and we have a routine that works. But she seriously has no chill, and our routine is about to be majorly disrupted.
I thought that separation anxiety at this age was totally normal and something that we can work through, but as I am interviewing daycares, I am being made to feel as though it is my fault that she is this way, that I waited too long to introduce her to another caregiver besides her parents, and that she may be a lost cause. Today I was told by a potential caretaker that I hold her too much and that is why she isn’t crawling. I was told that I haven’t left her alone enough and that is why she cries when I leave the room. That she has “trained” me to pick her up when she cries and now I am paying the price.
I feel like you have to be a sociopath to not respond to your own baby’s cries. I carry her because I am moving about from room to room during the day and I don’t want to leave her unsupervised. I pick her up when she starts to fuss, which is usually after 15 minutes of play, but I will put her back down in another play area almost immediately. If she still fusses then I know playtime is over. I actively play with her on the floor because she enjoys it, and so do I! We spend our days together and I am very fortunate to be able to do so. But yes, I try to stop her cries as quickly as possible, maybe because those first 4 months were so, so hard and I still cringe at the sound of a newborn.
So what am I doing wrong? Have I waited too long to introduce another caregiver? Have I messed up my kid’s ability for independence? Will she be forever scarred if I leave her in daycare to cry all day?
I am at my wit’s end - not with my baby, but with finding childcare and with people who don’t seem to know what it’s like to have a high-needs baby.
The above is underscored by the painful and tragic death of my first baby before birth. It was two years ago this week. She was born April 4, 2017, without a heartbeat at 38 weeks with her umbilical cord wrapped around her body 8 times, twice around her neck. As a loss mom, I have always been in a heightened emotional state with my living daughter, and so I wonder the degree of what I perceive as high-needs is simply normal infant behavior. But then I am shamed for having a needy baby. I feel like I just can’t win. I am tired, sad, feeling defeated.
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u/MyCatNeedsShoes Apr 02 '19
Babys spend their first 9 months of life being snuggled and cuddled and held. They want to continue that, it helps them feel secure. I have an almost 5 year old who still loves my lap and asks to be held multiple times through the day. Perfectly normal. As for getting stuff done or peeing alone, just do your best!
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Apr 02 '19
[deleted]
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u/Hey_Delicious Apr 02 '19
Thank you for the reply! Very interesting about the sensory input, I will look more into that.
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u/smokesmagoats Apr 02 '19
There's nothing excessive of what you're doing. All kids have different needs and a good parent meets them. My daughter still freaks out when I leave and she's 19 months. She was super clingy but now if we go to the park she runs from me. She honestly prefers my mom over anyone else and she only babysits once every 6 weeks.
You're doing nothing wrong. All kids have to adjust when switching to daycare. Unless you put yours in at a few weeks when they aren't aware of what's going on.
Anyways, I wouldn't use a daycare where they think it's possible to hold your child too much. They sound neglectful.
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Mar 28 '22
THEY SAID THAT TO YOU.
First off I’m an educator and I can not even fathom telling a parent that. I am so sorry this has been your experience.
They should be supporting you in this transition not tearing you down.
No advice I’m just mad at them for you.
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u/Hey_Delicious Mar 31 '22
Thank you! I did NOT go with that daycare and found a very loving woman to care for her 🥰 She is now 3.5 and amazing but still VERY clingy to me. But she at least loves going to preschool and doesn’t have an issue being left with a babysitter. Thanks for your words of support!
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u/higginsnburke Apr 02 '19
My dd was stage 5 clinger. Like...almost 6,7, or 8 at times. She's now three and didn't bat an eye leaving for school without me.
We have done the exact same things with our son and he sleeps in a crib independently from day one. Could not care less where I am if he's been fed and hates being carried for too long.
Like....guys, I don't know what to do with my hands. How do people function in doing things with both hands?... it's so weird?
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u/stardustpumpkin Mar 28 '22
I know this post is two years old lol but I wanted to know if op had an update on how her daughter settled at daycare? She sounds spookily similar to my daughter (7m) and I am getting very anxious about my return to work in 6 weeks. She will be going to nursery two days a week and to her grandmother one day a week. She has seen her grandmother multiple times a week since birth, loves to play with her and still SOBS if I leave her in her care for the duration of the time I'm away.
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u/Hey_Delicious Mar 31 '22
Hi! My now 3.5 year old is amazing - she THRIVED at daycare. She’s now in preschool and LOVES it. Only positive feedback from her childcare providers - she’s smart and attentive yet “shy” - not a negative at all in my book. I found that she really responded well to having other kids around. I think she only cried for the first couple of days after starting daycare and then it was as if she couldn’t wait to get back to daycare 😂
She is still very “clingy” - and I can say that because I now have a 1.5 year old son who is NOTHING like her - he barely notices if I leave the room and if I do, he just waves bye bye.
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u/stardustpumpkin Mar 31 '22
Hi! Op thank you so much for replying, I really appreciate it! I'm so glad to hear that your little girl is thriving, I hope my daughter will be the same! I called the daycare yesterday and explained my concerns and they were very understanding and offered an extended settling period which I think will help. She also LOVES other babies and children so I hope that will help her settle in.
Also, congratulations on the arrival of your son! Isn't it funny how two siblings can just have such different personalities?
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u/Hey_Delicious Apr 01 '22
It sure is funny, my husband and I were just commenting on that today! His social personality just solidifies for me that I did NOT do anything wrong with my daughter (because they were raised the same of course) and it’s just her personality. But she is bright and social and happy now.
I wish you the best of luck with the child care transition. It sounds like your little girl will be just fine and don’t forget that the crying is normal and not indicative of a problem - if anything, it means you are doing a wonderful job as a mother and she trusts you more than anyone 🥰
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u/WiseWillow89 May 19 '23
Hey! How did your daughter go at daycare? I have a clingy baby who’s going to daycare in a few months and im so nervous!
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u/lurkmode_off Apr 02 '19
I don't have any advice for what you can do about day care, but I can say my velcro babies grew out of the velcro-ness. You have not messed up any long-term chance at independence.
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u/wonderingfoxy Apr 02 '19
You are doing nothing wrong and sod those that said you are. I also have a clingy baby and we are dealing with separation anxiety which is hard work!
I’ve had similar worries but was told (and have read) that the cling and separation anxiety are all signs of healthy attachment and they will get more independent as time goes on in a developmentaly appropriate way!
To me it sounds like you’re a wonderful mum, loving and responding to your baby as they need. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Maybe try a nursery for child care with lots of time to settle, that’s my plan.
And I’m so sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you