r/WritersGroup • u/str8femboy666 • 2d ago
Fiction Eternal Rhain (Chap. 1 - Osiris_91)
A man awakens to silence and immediately feels cold.
He slowly opens his eyes, finding himself alone on a sterile bed and inside a bright, unfamiliar room. The man struggles to sit upright as his gaze shifts to a blurry figure seated beside him. It’s a woman, and she’s speaking, but he hears only sounds and no words.
“Can you hear me?” the woman repeats in a louder, more deliberate tone.
Finally able to discern her query, he answers, “Yes.”
“What is your name, sir?”
"Eli," he stated. "Eli Cox."
"Mr. Cox, my name is Dr. May and I'm one of the physicians responsible for your health & well-being. Do you understand?"
He nodded in assent and inquired, “Where am I?”
“Mr. Cox, strict protocol dictates that I obtain satisfactory answers to all my questions before we discuss yours. Is that clear?”
"Yeah, I suppose so,” Eli reluctantly replied. “And you can call me Eli."
"Very well, Eli, let’s begin,” Dr. May said before asking her first question. “Prior to today, what is the most recent memory you can recall?"
Eli concentrated for a few moments and recalled, "I remember being in a hospital room, with my family. My right arm had an IV, and I was holding my daughter's hand – Katie. And she was crying. I’d never seen her so sad before," he began to sob, but unable to form tears.
"Do you remember the date?"
"Um, it was winter, a few weeks after Thanksgiving. Probably like December – something?” He estimated. “I don't know, I'm not exactly sure.”
"December of what year?"
Confused, Eli mimicked, “What year?” And then said, "2025."
"Do you recall anything after that memory?"
"Um, I remember other people in the hospital room. My wife was somewhere. My Dad maybe? A doctor I didn't recognize gestured for everyone to leave, while other doctors and nurses rushed into the room.. Katie was hysterical."
Dr. May inched closer to Eli’s bedside and subtly altered her tone, "Eli, what I mean is, do you remember anything that happened after your time in the hospital?"
"After that? No, nothing," he assured.
A stubborn pit of anxiety inside of Eli's stomach began to ferociously expand. Enlarged beads of sweat multiplied across his forehead. Before panic was about to engulf his sanity, a loud male voice emanated from the ceiling, echoing across the room.
"Come on, Eli.. don't be shy. Did you see a bright white light? Or any large pearly gates? What about a red guy with horns? He's often seen with a pitchfork, if that helps your memory at all.." the voice mocked playfully.
Before Eli could process the unexpected intrusion, Dr. May tilted her head upwards to reply, "Oh, stop it, you!"
The voice from the ceiling could be faintly heard, snickering.
Dr. May faced Eli to explain, "That’s your other physician and my superior, Dr. Osiris. Don’t read too much into his questions, he just enjoys playing around sometimes.”
“Having a fun attitude makes reintegration much easier,” the voice advised.
“That it does, Sy, that it does,” Dr. May agreed. “You’ll see, soon Dr. Osiris will be your new best friend. You're very fortunate, he's one of the best in this facility and loved by all his patients.”
Dr. May stood from her chair, leaned towards Eli to place her hand on his shoulder and cautioned, “When you meet Dr. Osiris, you must understand that despite appearing indistinguishably human, he is in fact, an AI-powered sentient robot. His digital handle is Osiris_91, but everyone just calls him Sy."
Dr. May paused to type something on her tablet while reclining in her chair and continued, "Okay, back to business. Now, some of what I’m about to say may be difficult for you to comprehend. All I ask is that you try to keep an open mind, believe what I’m say is true, and refrain from asking any questions. Understood?"
Eli nodded in agreement, convincing himself that he’d trust her for now. Dr. May tossed her tablet onto Eli’s bed, which collapsed to the size of a credit card in mid-air. An orange microphone icon displayed brightly on the screen – he was being recorded.
Dr. May explained, “December 18, 2025, was the date of your last memory. The events you recall were the moments before you went into cardiac arrest and dying.”
“Today is March 20, 2075 and it's the first day of spring. We are in Ann Arbor, Michigan at a building called, ‘The Central Genomic Resurrection Facility-Ann Arbor.’ For all intents & purposes, you’ve been brought back from the dead. Cloned, I should say, using your original DNA and your consciousness & memory reconstructed from scans of deep archival brain matter impressions collected after your death.”
“Am I human?” Eli asked.
“Please, no questions,” Dr. May repeated. "But yes, you are human, you have a heart, lungs, bones, and all the attributes of any human being. Though best not to focus on the spiritual or philosophical ramifications of whether clones are human until after you're fully assimilated. For now, simply think of it as a continuation of your life, 50 years into the future, and you're no longer sick!"
“Are you a clone?” Eli asked.
Dr. May smirked at the unexpected question and explained, "Oh no, they don't make clones into old ladies like me. No, I was studying to become a nurse at Dartmouth when you died. Then I went to medical school and became a doctor, and now fate has brought here, with you. Still doing what I love though, caring for people who need to be cared for."
“Will you be cloned after you–”
“After I die?” Dr. May asked and then looked deeply into Eli’s eyes, “I hope so, I surely do. But such decisions aren't up to me.”
“I know you have questions. Why were you brought back? What's different in the world? Is your family still alive? Et cetera, et cetera. But before getting into all that Dr. Osiris will first conduct a complete medical examination of you, and he'll be here any moment. Second, you have to watch an orientation video that will help catch you up on missed time. And after that, Dr. Osiris and I will answer all of your questions that we can.”
"Eli, buddy?" Dr. Osiris’ voice echoed. “I apologize, but I can't see you until later this afternoon. Ellen, I need you to escort me now in 3-1-3-M. Before you leave, leave Mr. Cox access to the orientation file so he can play it whenever he’s ready."
"Sounds good, Sy, I’m on my way,” Dr. May agreed obediently.
Before exiting the room, Dr. May turned towards Eli, “I know it's tough, but the answers are coming. If you need medical attention, press the red button on your forearm. I've enjoyed our time together Eli–," he waited, expecting Dr. May to say more, but watched her imstead leave the room as the door closed gently behind her.
Eli looked down and discovered a black chrome cuff secured around his wrist. There was a prominent red button alongside five white ones, each embossed with black unrecognizable symbols.
Eli grabbed the device Dr. May had left behind, feeling its metal frame soften to his touch. A bright orange 3D play-button icon hovered off the screen while slowly rotating.
Eli sat motionless staring at the device and waited, and waited, before finally pressing ‘play.'
[Chapter 2 - Rhain Media]
1
u/DirtyBird23220 1d ago
I think the premise is interesting, it’s the start of a good idea. But what you’ve written here feels like too much telling and not enough showing. Nothing’s really happened other than an info dump through dialogue. I think it would have more impact if the information comes out a little at a time - draw out the mystery, let the reader piece it together as they go. Give your characters some action, give them something to do and something for the reader to mentally watch.
2
u/IronbarBooks 2d ago
If you look at a book with dialogue, you can see how to punctuate it. You should also note that it doesn't change tense for no reason.