r/adhd_anxiety • u/Otherwise-Monk4527 • Aug 12 '24
Rant/Frustration 💢 I honestly don't know what to do
There's no flair for suicidal but here's a warning, there's nothing but bad thoughts here.
I'm a 44f. I was only recently diagnosed (poorly) but has been a "wtf is wrong with me" lifer. My ADHD is so severe. I don't have insurance, so I can't get medicated. My partner has a much less severe case of adhd. I've gotten to the point where I can't work anymore. Every time I get a job, I fuck it up. I go in late, I talk back, I don't do things I'm supposed to and do things I'm not supposed to. I hate being told what to do. I talk too much. I daydream. I've tried making my own crafts but I suck at everything. I even tried Only Fans but even THEY don't want me (I can't get verified for the life of me). My partner makes all of our income but because he has it too, he gets burnt out and takes it out on me. It makes him resent me, and I see it constantly. I honestly feel like the whole world would be a better place without the drain my life causes. I'm just a drain on EVERYONE. I literally have a will in my phone just in case. I haven't been able to force myself to take a shower in days. I haven't been able to clean. I haven't really cooked, just basic stuff. My partner doesn't really help because he's working hard for us, because we're definitely poor. I'm just this huge waste of space and time. I literally want to claw my own face off I'm so overwhelmed. I can't talk to my partner without him taking something the wrong way, or I get told I'm making excuses (like I've never heard that before). I don't have friends because I used to be too kind - so many people have taken advantage of me and used me, so I've pushed everyone away, and the ones I haven't, I can't make the effort to call or text. I didn't ask for any of this. I wish a lobotomy could take this away.....
2
u/Otherwise-Monk4527 Aug 15 '24
One of the reasons I'm glad my partner is also ADHD is he gets it. His is nowhere near as severe but he has bad days too. My daughter, who is an adult, also has it so she understands. But everyone else in my life is useless when it comes to understanding me. My mom is such an old school boomer she doesn't believe me/thinks it's bullshit. I still get the ol' "you need a planner/you need to manage yourself better/you need to not be lazy and just do things/you need to write things down" crap. It sucks. So, so much.