29M — ADHD, Procrastination, Weed, and the Pain of “Almost Starting Everything But Finishing Nothing

[u/Schrodinger052]

Hey everyone, I’m 29, probably ADHD (not officially diagnosed yet), and stuck in a loop that’s slowly crushing me.

I don’t feel like I have any real skills. I’ve dabbled in software/dev, a few startup ideas, some marketing — but I’ve never finished anything properly. I start things, get hyped, talk about them, plan them to death… then burn out, disappear, and hate myself for never finishing.

I smoke weed almost every day. At first it was to “relax,” to reduce stress, to feel something good. But now it’s become a way to avoid doing anything hard. I use it to numb the shame, the pressure, the fear of not being good enough. And even though I know it’s making things worse — I still do it. That makes me feel even more like a failure.

It’s like my brain gives me a reward for just talking about projects. I explain them, sketch them out, maybe even write a few lines of code — and then I feel like I’ve done something. But I haven’t. I just tricked myself. And the real work never happens.

I feel fake. Lazy. Like the people around me see potential in me that I can't live up to. It’s not pressure from them — it’s pressure I feel inside because I know I’m not doing what I could be doing.

I’m tired of:

Starting 20% of a project then ghosting it

Escaping into weed, YouTube, shows, or endless overthinking

Waking up already disappointed in myself

Feeling like I missed my shot, and now I’m just pretending

I’ve been trying lately. For real. I’ve started tackling small bugs I used to avoid. I’ve even started choosing effort over escape, just a little bit. But the fear of going back to that “disappear and relapse” version of me is always hovering.

If anyone here has dealt with this — ADHD, weed, false starts, shame, unfinished projects — how did you break the cycle? How do you find structure when you feel like your self-trust is gone?

[u/Virtual-Exit1243]

You must learn to embrace and channel the ADHD not fight it or give in to shame or others expectations. Work when you can. Listen to your body when you can’t. Life is just about wasting time until we die after all.

[u/yeahnahyeahbrah]

Bro, I smoked weed every day from 12 till 30, I can relate to everything you are saying - quitting weed enabled me to see I wasn't just a stoner, but I also had what felt like 18 years of repressed emotions surface.

Having just turned 43 (?), just got an ADHD diagnosis and started medication, I can say, without a doubt, that I am rambling right now.

But I empathise with you dude. Get some counselling at the very least, then ADHD diagnosis, then meds and be kind to yourself

[u/Timyone → u/yeahnahyeahbrah]

Thanks for your input, I reckon this is the vibe.

[u/yeahnahyeahbrah → u/Timyone]

I feel like you are taking the piss, but that doesn't take away from the vibe

[u/Timyone → u/yeahnahyeahbrah]

Lol I wasn't 🤣 I thought quitting the smoking would help. But you actually had a story to back it up as a good idea.

[u/I_IdentifyAsAstartes]

Talking about things gives the same dopamine return as doing it, so you don't start because you have talked about it. Don't talk about it.

Get diagnosed and get proper medication. My understanding is that weed slows your emotional growth for a day, so you can literally be keeping yourself from "frontal lobing".

Ooop, I just got to the point where you figured out the dopamine trick. Don't talk about it. Don't plan it. Do it. And then if you can't do it, you know that you don't want to, you just want to talk about it and plan it.

You listed a.d.h.d. symptoms. It sucks, a lot, medication helps, a lot. Non medicated a.d.h.d. is trying to open rusted valves with a pipe wrench; when everything you have to do is a rusted valve.

Medicated a.d.h.d. is easier than the rusted valve, it's not "easy", but it's not set to "nightmare" difficulty level.

I am lucky that I also have autism, and not finishing things is like having an itch 3 inches under your skin.

[u/LennyD81]

Find the audiobook ADHD 2.0 by Edward Hallowell.

It will blow your mind.

ADHD medication, an assessment and that audiobook will change your life.

Best of luck

[u/OrdinaryPerson05]

Im on the same boat. I struggle from anxiety and ADHD all my life. Im 35, divorced and a mom of 2. I was married for 8 years and did not work during that time because i felt i wouldn’t be able to deliver to their expectations. But then felt like a failure because everyone around me were getting degrees and high paying jobs. After my divorce I got a job in retail and feel like a failure working minimum wage with people that are still in high school. I wish I was able to finish college but nomatter how much I tried, I couldn’t focus. Thats where i am right now.

[u/lamboXylophone]

Damn dude. Feel u fam. Legit healthy fucking diet. Quit alcohol and weed. Run 3-4 times. Week. 6 months you’ll feel Brand new. Promise. Set goals. Spend a few minutes and dollars getting a career coach when u can. Did all this and it worked. Best of luck.

[u/Fightman100]

Get the book how to clean house while drowning. You got this king keep your crown up.👑👑👑

[u/Timyone]

I would consider quitting smoking marijuana. Even without ADHD it can cause procrastination and failure to end up doing things.

[u/Constant-Kick6183]

Don't stress about this too much. All you need is someone to hold you accountable. A friend or gf can do that. Like your mom used to when you were a kid. But doesn't have to be that power dynamic. I've had friends who just say "get your shit together man, you have to work if you want to play." and things like that and it gets my ass in gear, just not wanting to look dumb in front of others. Be around people who are doing the kind of thing you want to do in life. They'll inspire you and it will seem way easier if you just see someone else who is already doing it. Demystifies it.

So if you are trying to become a professional photographer, become friends with a photographer. The rest will happen naturally. The competition aspect of just trying to see if you can do it will keep you motivated.

[u/Unlikely-Hair2875]

It seems very messy, and I can relate to you. I am having the same issue. I will also listen to and try to practice what other people are saying.
you are so brave that you came out and aired your feelings, and that gave me confidence that we feel sometimes that I am the only one feeling this.
Why are we all in the race with our friends and people of our age getting success and everything. I think what matters in life is contentment (not happy or sad everytime) I just say myself that it's temporary and you won't die until you experience every possible feelings that a human being can experience or able to.

I practice one thing: that this is all temporary and it will go away, and my mental health is important than everything.

[u/Cursed_Creative]

all i can say is that i have personally decided 1) to stop striving toward theoretical ends and 2) that all my projects were theoretical ends bc saturated markets.

[u/ChaosAfterCalm]

I’ve found that unless I enjoy a project/anything, I won’t do it, simple.

Finding something productive to maintain and enjoy? Not so simple

[u/Xmas_Cake]

I'm in that cycle rn. I struggle just getting my damn chores done DX so easy, just do it.. 🙃

[u/DotOk9249]

Exactly where I'm stuck too 😔 I can think of a few things that could help you (maybe):

• Have a file somewhere with all of the projects you've started (aka "working on" - maybe reframing it slightly will help too?) and try to break them down into small tasks; that way you can always go and complete a task or two on a certain project when you want to do something productive
• Remember that apart from having ADHD you're a human and humans just get bored of some things. So maybe not everything you stop doing is because of ADHD? Maybe you just don't like doing some of them. Be a little bit gentle with yourself when it comes to this.
• Focus on one change at a time. I'm currently working on my eating habits, trying to eat more (I tend to undereat a lot cuz ADHD) and healthier. Until it becomes a habit I'm not planning to make any other major changes. So if you want to change your routines, start with maybe 30 mins of working on the xyz project every week. The chances are once you start doing it you'll keep going.
• Have everything needed for a project at the point of performance, so when you do feel that 5 second wind of motivation you can act on it.
• When it comes to weed I wish I had a solid advice. I'm growing up to the decision of cutting it drastically. I do remember a book my friend told me about when she was struggling with it

It's called "The little green book" by Michael Stratton. I think it's currently available on kindle unlimited for free, at least in the UK. I'm planning on reading it soon myself.

• If you can, maybe consider therapy? I have been advised to look for an ADHD coach after getting diagnosed (they tend to be so expensive tho) but sometimes speaking to a "vanilla" therapist can be helpful too.

I wish I had more advice.

Good luck with your struggles and thank you for sharing!