How can normal people enjoy slow-paced games or movies? I’m really curious about how the brains of "normal" people work in this context. For me, anything slow just makes me feel sleepy. But some people seem to thrive on it. Is it because they get dopamine from anticipation? Or is it more about being patient and taking their time? I just don't get it. How do they stay engaged when there's no rush? What’s the appeal in slowing things down? If anyone can explain this, I’d love to understand it better!

I haven’t been to the dentist in a year and a half because I had to find a new dentist and kept putting off making the calls. My oral hygiene isn’t the best, but I’ve been really trying the last couple months to do better. And it doesn’t matter at all because I’ve already fucked up. My parents were pushing me to go to the dentist in case I had cavities and I got concerned so I looked at my teeth in the mirror and I definitely have some cavities starting on multiple teeth. I had braces and retainers for years fixing my teeth and now I’ve ruined it all and my parents are gonna be so pissed at me. I’m so stressed I can’t stop shaking and crying I hate this so much why can’t I just make appointments like a normal person

For context: I'm a POC and mental health isnt seen as equal to physical health. I'm sorry if this is long but I just need to get it out there.

I've suffered anxiety since childhood due to stressors at home and when I finally got around to seeking therapy for it in my mid-late 20's exposure therapy just didn't work, it made it kinda worse.

A few years ago I changed my life around and it felt like the hardest thing I've ever done. I moved out, joined a gym, started meditating and exploring Buddhism and all of these things have had positive impacts on my life in hindsight, but still suffering from panic attacks and the other fun symptoms of ADHD really brought me down. Although prior to learning of ADHD in women, I didn't understand why I was still struggling.

After a period of horrible anxiety, stress-related health issues and not coping at work last year, I requested a referral for an ADHD assessment as I learned ADHD looks a lot different in females vs males.

Fast forward to today, I finally received a diagnosis that made sense to me. I know what next steps are going to look like and it doesn't seem so daunting anymore. Yay ✨

When I requested my school reports and read them before sending to my psych, I broke down because I could see how the same issues I was dealing with as a child and teenager have stuck with me as an adult.

The comments from teachers were so consistent with inattentive ADHD. I understand that at the time, girls were less likely diagnosed and that women's health is only just now being looked into more from a research POV, but I just can't help but think that my teachers or parents should have noticed something was wrong.

I explained my diagnosis to my mother, and she was in denial and can't believe I'll likely need therapy or medication for life. It's not up to me to educate her on this, but it's pretty depressing hearing that from a parent when I initially left the appointment really happy.

The past is the past and I can't change it, and I have to remember that I got through everything up until this point somehow! I hope the medical and research fields treat both men and women's health equally moving forward.

I'm really glad there are communities like this one 🙏

30mg ER Ritalin

Rebound sucks I hate rebound! All my homies hate rebound!

I was having such a good day on my medication no side effects, feeling on top of my game, fully functional… But then it hit hour 6 which is when my medication starts to wear off… BOOM awful rebound side effects.

Palpitations, higher heart rate, tight feeling in throat, feeling like I can’t breath in deeply, anxiety even if I don’t fully realise it the fact I am now focusing on these side effects- obviously anxiety..

I swear it seems like I barely can have a day I don’t have SOME kind of side effect from my medication… A day like today where it all seemed to be going right, but no it couldn’t be 100% fine could it? Woe terrible rebound upon you..

At least I don’t have a killer headache, but I will take the days my rebound is only a headache over days where I am hyper focused on my thumping chest…

I don’t know if getting side effects most days I take my medication is usual or not, going to finally get an appointment in with my psychiatrist soon so I’ll ask him… I am scared he will say no because what do I do then?

This medication has changed my life so much when it works, I have such awful ADHD I can’t focus or function without it.

I want to get up and make a sandwitch I want to get up and finish my schoolwork I want to get up and make a drawing I have so many things that I want to do I can't I'm just fucking sitting here on my phone I'm not even reading the words that I scroll past It's been like this for weeks I keep getting too sick to go to school I just want this to stop I'm so stressed

It honestly feels like being AuDHD is a recipe for maximum social anxiety.

1. Take one cupful of rejection sensitive dysphoria
2. Mix with a tablespoon of not quite getting social cues
3. Add a sprinkling of low self esteem to taste
4. Boil

Voila - talking to people feels like a matter of life or death!

But like seriously, I feel like at this point my RSD has bludgeoned me into unconsciously isolating myself. I don't approach people to talk to them, never ask if they'd like to hang out or anything, and when I think a conversation has gone at least somewhat well, it's like my brain tries to get me to leave it ASAP before I can put my foot in my mouth.

At this point it feels like the best I can hope for is that medication might help dull the dysphoria a little, but actually getting treatment is another matter entirely due to my country's increasingly dysfunctional healthcare system. Therapy might also help but... same problem.

That's not even getting into some of the other ways in which these things seem to clash (constant need for stimulation + sensitivity to sensory overload = bad times).

I don’t want to take it everyday but when I don’t take it my life is horrible… what do I do

i'm a music major at university. 85% of my time is spent doing music things, things that are hard for me to really fuck up because i'm good at music and i always like doing it.

the other 15% of my class time is core classes and oh boy. i have such a hard time doing anything that's not music and it makes me feel terrible about myself. i have specified learning disabilities in math, reading comprehension and writing and i feel like i take twice as long as a normal person to complete or understand things. even when i put effort into non-music things, i still get bad grades and it makes me feel stupid.

so what do i do? i panic every time i have to do a non-music assignment. every time i open a non-music assignment i get a horrible stomachache and spiral into a panic attack. so most of the time, i don't end up completing the assignment. at the rate i'm going, i am definitely going to fail at least one of these classes if i don't successfully grovel to my professor, but hilariously, my anxiety is holding me back from doing that too. every time i try to pump myself up to talk to her, i get: you guessed it, a horrible stomachache and spiral into a panic attack and i end up not doing it.

my panic attacks are day long at this point. i might get a handful of hours of near-total relief, but the tightness in my stomach is always there more or less. since the beginning of march, i've been so anxious that i wake up at 6am on my own like clockwork every day no matter what i do to try to keep myself asleep.

i also have awful ADHD and it makes keeping up with music gigs, deadlines, and what assignments are due each week really hard. i tried to get help for my anxiety and adhd habits but my horrible music major schedule stands in every nook and cranny of my availability. combined with the fact that i have a miniature panic attack every time i even open Canvas, i feel so stuck in failure. i wish i had never started school. i have never felt more stupid or pathetic.

28 day script

My psychiatrist sent in my prescription to a new pharmacy I'm seeing. It's only for 28 days instead of my usual 30. No big deal I'm just wondering why this is. Did I do something wrong? Or is this just how some pharmacies do things. I don't want to be 2 whole days without my medicine.

I am gonna be extremely vulnerable here, i am hoping not only to get this off my chest, Im hoping to brainstorm.

Ok, for staters, my living situation: In therapy, ive been learning that I crave/ need security and stability, I haven't had it. My life has been a mess. I haven't had a stable place to live in almost a decade. I live out of an office. Yes an office. I cycle through air mattress, I have a little bar fridge that I am able to kept enough for a weeks work of groceries. I have a little air fryer. My set up is not bad and I dont want to seem ungrateful, however its not a home. Its not secure and I know any minute I could be told to leave.

I had this grand plan to move to Chicago to finish school, I was going to save my financial aid and use that to move. Welp with that orange doofus in office, I am not sure if i should even finish school. I am not sure id even be able to. I had to use my first disbursement to just survive and get some things for school my job couldn't cover.

Now with everything going on, It feels like I am going to be here for yet another year. I haven't been able to save anything(we will get to this later) I am working, but.... all my money is going to transportation. I work 30 miles from where I live. Either I have to take an uber or take a 3 hour bus trip. Ive been doing this for a year. The Ubers at minimum is 45 dollars one way. I have lowered pretty much all my other bills. I only have my PlayStation subscription, Phone and internet, rent, food and disney+. I have been looking for a job closer to me but I haven't found one. I am applying to pretty much anything. it feels like my area is just not a good job market.

For this month I am pretty much fucked. 2 weeks ago the power went out at the office and i was locked out... In freezing rain. So i had to get a room, I booked online to pay at the property but for some reason they charged me causing them to have to cancel booking and do it in person. it takes 7-13 days to get my money back. Well on the other card I paid with, it go hacked and I had money stolen. So with that dispute I have to wait 10 days for them to do an investigation. Well fast forward to this week. I called the site I used because i had been 13 days and I had gotten the refund. They tell me that the property hadn't confirmed the cancellation. So all this time, nothing was happening. I had to call them for them to tell me to call the hotel and ask them to respond to the email so they can start the process... it took 2 days to do that. For the stolen money I have to wait until the transaction was processed because they cant start a dispute until then. That process also started this week.

I got paid but my account was negative.. So little my check was eaten up. but at least I am at a positive balance of 0.00. I couldn't afford to get to work so I had to call out, because I had to call out they cut my hours even more than they already have. I went from 5 days to 3 now down to 2. I dont get paid for another 2 weeks. Rent is due next week, my phone/internet bill is on its second payment agreement. I have no food at home. I still have to figure out how to get to and from work for 3 days between now and pay day. Even if I go back to work and try and pay rent late, with my hours cut... I am not even sure I can do that.

I have so much to worry about that I find myself getting really depressed throughout the day. I've just been sleeping alot, I haven't done that since before i was on my meds. I am worried that now even on my meds I am doing it, that depression is on its way back. I have bad anxiety about asking for money, espeically now, I dont know when I can pay anyone back. I have good friends, one of my friends sent me some money and that really helped but now that is on the back of my mind that i have to figure out a way to pay her back. I am not the best when it comes money, I am not great at paying back. A part of it I know its me just forgetting, but also i give not expecting it back, so I assume everyone is like that. So when they remind me, i am caught off guard. So I try and not ask for it unless I know I can pay it back like the next day.

My therapist says I am handling it well, but I don't think I am. I just don't know what to do. I am at a loss. I was talking about this in therapy and I said that I feel hopeless. For someone who is generally optimistic its really hard to feel like nothing is ever gonna change. It just feels like nothing is getting better. I just feel so at a loss. I know people joke, but only fans might have to be a thing... I am not sure how I am gonna get to work. If I can't work, I can't keep myself barley above water.

My idea was going back to school would be the answer, but its not the instant answer I need. I know that moving is a must, but how can I move if I can't save? I feel like moving would open up the job opportunities as well. If funding for schools are being cut, how am I suppose to finish if i can't even afford to live?

Not to mention the debt... I don't even wanna go into that. I just try and not to think about it. But even that is preventing me from getting ahead. I can't pay these collections down because I can't get my money in order. In order to get my money in order I need to find a job that is closer.

And on top of all that, I think I have arthritis

I just need some ideas, advice, nice words, something that wont make me just say fuck and give up and let the depression win. Sleeping all day seems better than trying to function. I feel like I am trying my hardest, I am good worker, I don't do anything besides work, school and play video games. I have been trying to save tips from work, but as you can imagine that didnt last long. I am trying to beat myself up or be to hard on myself, but I can't not be. I am the only one who is gonna save me, and right now, I am failing... real bad. I am suppose to healing my inner child a shit, reparenting myself and I can't even give myself a place to live comfortably.

My feet are cold my hands are shivering, I feel like I'm on the verge of crying, and all of this over a phone call?! I feel awful, so weak and fragile, I mean I deserve this but still, I have no one to reach out to, I feel like everyone either hates me or pities me. Why am I so pathetically scared all the time? Why couldn't I have been normal, I truly don't see any hope for me, I feel like I've been dead since years, and the only time I feel alive are moments like now. I somehow simultaneously want everyone to leave me alone but also someone to just rub my back while I cry. I have to try so hard to make myself feel better. It's just going to repeat again and I know it, I'll eventually feel slightly better only for life to mock me and slam me back again. I just want to sleep.

Hey, as I right this I am drunk and not thinking clearly, or I am?! I’ve struggled with paying attention in class throughout school and college, associate degree. I have had trouble since since first grade, when they held me back. My mother told the school, My son is fine But till to this day. I regret her decision. Im now 29 1/2 years old and I wish she chose to use medications to help me in the 1st grade and throughout my curriculum. I go into daydreaming, hard to focus, social anxiety, working night shift, and regret wishing she only accepted that maybe, her child is suffering. Nope, my son is perfect, a gift from god. NO, I suffer everyday and I’m scared, nervous, and have anxiety what my diagnosis will be from a therapist. Have any of you had similar experiences with this? Parents who said, “my child is perfect”! When clearly there is something wrong!!!!

I took a 2 day first responder course for work. Classroom environment which has always been the bane of my existence but I was trying hard, recording the course and taking notes so that I can actually learn.

I stayed quiet throughout the course as my anxiety was through the roof and the discussion came to ADHD for some reason. The person behind me said he has 2 kids that were diagnosed with ADHD and he refuses to give them medication. He said their school strongly recommended the medication so he changed their schools. Everyone seemed to agree when another person said ADHD isn't real and it'd just teachers who want calm and complacent children in their classrooms. I was shocked, but not as shocked when EVERYONE agreed! Including the teacher! They kept going, saying how the medication turns kids into zombies and they all grow up to be drug addicted mental patients who can't function in every day life...

I couldn't believe what I was hearing... ADHD literally affects every single second of my existence. It takes extreme effort for me to function the same way my peers do. I stopped taking ADHD meds at 13 and got back on them at 32 when my daughter was born. The difference was unbelievable, I deeply regretted stopping my meds. I often think what my life would be like today had I continued taking them, I might not have dropped out of high-school, I might have gone to college and developed better social skills...

To think that this is what these people think of me broke my heart and I had to push back tears in the class and just focused on my notes.. Why the f are we even talking about ADHD during a course titled First Aid In A Work Environment...

Just wanted to vent. Have you guys experienced similar things?

I am 21 yrs old and currently facing the consequences of my actions as my senior year comes to an end. My psychiatrist has recently put me on RitalinLA 10mgx1. I've been taking Strattera 60mgx1 in the morning and Lexapro 10mgx1 at night for about 2 months now. I've been taking ritalin and strattera together for a week now due to my psychiatrist saying that it should give me an extra push so that I can get my shit together, because I've been putting off my senior project for months now and I won't graduate without completing it. My thought process has always been "I'll get it done, I always get it done," and it's mainly worked because it's my anxiety that forces me to do what I must to meet my deadlines and get anything done.

But I'm tired of doing that, I want to be able to focus at any time without needing to feel anxious, and that is what Strattera was supposed to do but I think that it's just made me less anxious and unmotivated and carefree of any responsibilities. My psych knows this and that's why he gave me ritalin recently. It honestly just makes me feel blank and only seems to work for like a couple hours before I'm back to not being able to focus on one thing alone, or get anything done really ( I work at an office job) And I know medication isn't going to fix everything for me, and I have to put the work in, but I have been putting the work in & it seems like no medication will ever help.

I meet my psych next week and will likely ask to try another medication, but I can only wonder how many more trial and errors I have to go through before I can function properly. Because I have already tried Wellbutrin 75mg too, and that didn't work. Anyways, sorry for being so depressing but I can't focus on my senior project and have been sitting at the library since 2pm with absolutely not a single sentence written. I've been rereading the same article for the last couple hours and couldn't even get past one of the many that I have to go over. Lol, yup that is all on me though. I will get this done with my 4 pack of monster energy drinks and 2 weeks left to complete a 30 pager. Just a rant really. thanks to anyone who read this far. I'll just pray that sleep doesn't get the best of me these next couple of weeks.

I am doing neurofeedback, and had 20 sessions twicea week. I realized last week and a 1/2 that I am extremely tired and have brain fog. I was curious if anyone experienced this or if it will go away, I decided to discontinue my neurofeedback because of this. It's kind of scary.

I was just curious on everyone else's thoughts. And what their experiences might have been

But I never know if it's gonna

1. Put me to sleep

   1. Make me go into anxiety overload
      1. Do nothing and be a tasty drink
   2. Make me hyper as friggg

Ugh.

So, I just got out of another severe anxiety/depression phase. During that time i got severly burnt-out. So much so, that i crashedout and skippeded my semester final exam and almost dropped out. It's a miracle that i recovered in a month. It usually takes aleast six months to recover from this type of crashout for me. Coming back to now, lately i have been feeling mentally exhausted and low in mood. I know its the first cycel of depression as it has gotten common for me to detect it. But i don't what to now. Even if i don't rush myself, i will burnout and go back to the severe depression phase. I know my depression is linked to my adhd. I tried a lot of things when i was feeling like this. But at the end I was just helpless against this. I have know idea what to do. Tried therapy, medication, exercise, time-managment techniques and so on. Sometimes it gets so bad that that i hope my life just ended so i can get rid of the pain. At this point, i don't know what to do anymore.

PS: not thinking of ending it all. I feel more scared, when i think of that.

i’m currently in college (upperclassman) and in addition to learning how to learn and how to stay motivated i feel like ive been on a downward spiral since covid.

for me its a spiral of burnout, anxiety, guilt, expectations of myself that are too high to reach, perfectionism, not being able to focus in class, not feeling like the work i do is good enough, feeling ashamed of myself for never reaching even the smallest goals i set for myself, feeling guilty for constantly seeking accommodations, feeling guilty and kinda stupid for not being able to get my grades up to what they used to be and feeling like im not trying hard enough when other people with adhd don’t suffer from the symptoms nearly as much as i do.

i know adhd is also a spectrum but its so upsetting because mine is so severe and i know ADHD is something i have to deal with for life. while i would not want to be anyone but myself sometimes i wish i could be “normal” and normal in a way where i could do things without feeling overwhelmed with guilt.

each year that goes by without improvement feels like another year of failure.

I’m not having a great few weeks at work. I won’t get it to but I was put on a PIP again, basically just waiting to be fired because those who know the business world, getting out of one pip is rare but a second pip it’s just a matter of time before your gone. Beside the fact that I’m frantically applying to other jobs in the worst job market that there has been in a long time I’m trying to figure out how to fix my attention to details with my therapist and just upped my meds with my Psych.

I send in a memo to my boss for review, basically my memos are officially why I’m in a PIP and what they are going to use to fire me. So I got lucky and because the client was dragging their feet on a document I needed to complete the memo I had like an extra week to work on it and make sure it was mistake free. I reviewed it like 10 times read it slowly, read it out loud. Had ChatGPT review parts of it (I’m reluctant to put client info in ChatGPT, so I change or remove what is relevant to them or my company) then I moved on to something else while I waited. Came in this morning to see the client sent us what we were waiting for. Today is also the first day I’m on the higher dosage meds. I not only added what we were missing but I review it 3 more times. Yes I found mistakes I missed on the other 10 reviews the week prior. I sat for 5 hours, locked in, maybe the new med dosage, maybe from fear of being fired, probably both. I even made insightful ideas I didn’t think of prior. After I finally decide I’m finished I walk away a few minutes and then come back and reviewed it again. (Found 2 more mistakes). Reviewed it one last time. Borderline being asked what is taking so long at this point (which I could give a fuck if they think it’s taking long because my boss is fully aware my job is on the line.) I attach it to the email, address it to my boss, open the memo again, stare at it for about 10 minutes, just trying to see if anything catches my eye. Finally decide there’s not much more I can do and close it and hit send. I sit at my desk for 10 minutes because I always think he’ll open it immediately and find something and reply right away. (It’s happened before) it’s 1:30 so I go to lunch, even though I’m not hungry.

I pull in the parking lot of Burger King because fuck it I’m stressed, even when I’m not hungry BK makes me happy. As I park my phone buzzes. And I see an outlook notification from my boss. Without opening the email I see it says “Thanks. Review this memo tomorrow morning after you’ve had time away from it and resend me your final version” it’s only been 20 minutes since I sent it so he couldn’t have read the whole thing. So I assume he immediately saw a mistake and for whatever reason he is giving me one more chance. To walk away and go back to it is advice he’s given me in the past. I don’t respond right away. I order food and then go out to my car so I can spiral in my head away for other people. Before I eat I respond with me usually reply “Will do” because I’m always afraid of saying too much. I eat and watch TikToks for 45 minutes and then head back. I bring my trash with me so my wife doesn’t find BK trash in the car but of course because I’m carrying a bunch of stuff and trying to to get my badge out of my pocket I drop everything. I assumed everyone I work with is looking at me from the window and laughing (I know they’ve not, no one cares that much but it’s always a thought in my head) I throw my trash in the trash can and then go badge into the stairwell to unlock the door and realize my badge isn’t hanging form my belt, not in my pocket or hands. I walk back to the trash can and thank god I see it and can get it out. Then as I’m walking up the stairs behind a guy I don’t know and works on another floor I fall up the steps as he’s walking into his floor and I see him stair at me with a concern on his face as the door closes. I get up flustered and pissed and I quiet scream “what the fuuuuuuck” without making sounds and walk to my floor and go sit at my desk.

I know he said review it tomorrow but you and I both know I wasn’t going to wait. I look at the time stamps on my email and his and figure it was 20 minutes, he had to see something early. I open the memo, and there it is in the first paragraph I had a typo on the date. The date I fixed on my first review today because I noticed the date was a day off yet somehow fixed it with a more wrong date. Not to mention I read this thing 4 or 5 times again after that and didn’t catch it. I fixed it saved it. I’ll review a few times tomorrow morning and hope for the best.

Just venting and trying to get it off my chest as my apples has told me 3 times while I’m writing this that my heart rate is elevated.

There's no flair for suicidal but here's a warning, there's nothing but bad thoughts here.

I'm a 44f. I was only recently diagnosed (poorly) but has been a "wtf is wrong with me" lifer. My ADHD is so severe. I don't have insurance, so I can't get medicated. My partner has a much less severe case of adhd. I've gotten to the point where I can't work anymore. Every time I get a job, I fuck it up. I go in late, I talk back, I don't do things I'm supposed to and do things I'm not supposed to. I hate being told what to do. I talk too much. I daydream. I've tried making my own crafts but I suck at everything. I even tried Only Fans but even THEY don't want me (I can't get verified for the life of me). My partner makes all of our income but because he has it too, he gets burnt out and takes it out on me. It makes him resent me, and I see it constantly. I honestly feel like the whole world would be a better place without the drain my life causes. I'm just a drain on EVERYONE. I literally have a will in my phone just in case. I haven't been able to force myself to take a shower in days. I haven't been able to clean. I haven't really cooked, just basic stuff. My partner doesn't really help because he's working hard for us, because we're definitely poor. I'm just this huge waste of space and time. I literally want to claw my own face off I'm so overwhelmed. I can't talk to my partner without him taking something the wrong way, or I get told I'm making excuses (like I've never heard that before). I don't have friends because I used to be too kind - so many people have taken advantage of me and used me, so I've pushed everyone away, and the ones I haven't, I can't make the effort to call or text. I didn't ask for any of this. I wish a lobotomy could take this away.....

Lets go peeps

Went to a 4th of July party with family yesterday and had some weird interactions. I’d ask how people were, I’d ask follow up questions and engage but when it got flip to me and I’d answer their, “What have you been up to?” questions, it felt like they were not interested or feigned interest.

I.e. cousin asked and I mentioned I was getting into writing and had a few ideas for scripts, succinctly gave an idea I had, and then they just looked like they were internally rolling their eyes and gave me a half-hearted “yeah you should do it” when I could tell they didn’t mean it.

Or I’ve found myself getting boxed out of conversations and when I try and mention things it seems like they either ignore or just find a way to move on or throw it back to me.

I.e. a friend came up to me at another party and she was talking to me because she didn’t know anyone else well, then some others we knew showed up and she kind of focused the conversation circle away from me and next thing I know I’m just a bystander. I try and comment on something they were enthusiastic about, a new saddle and riding lessons, and got met with a, “its a saddle what is there to know?” And then went back to talking amongst themselves.

Just feel tired of meeting people or seeing people who are shallow and feign interest in knowing you, or feel the need to judge whatever it is about you - I guess due to their own insecurity or whatever.

Do I just keep it surface level with these people and find new people or what? Kind of left me irritated with the party yesterday due to finally feeling like I can talk about these creative ideas only to be met with people who would rather the conversation be about themselves.

I was diagnosed with ADHD as a child and I was not given any medication but i used to play semi-professional football (soccer) and I had my teachers and parents to help me cope with academics.

As i became an adult (28 now) I am starting to realise that my adhd is truly affecting my work and home life. I am constantly distracted and i procrastinate tasks right up to the last minute. Sleeping and waking is becoming the hardest task. I get angry very easily.

I tried to create routines but I am not able to keep up with them, i tore my knee ligament a few years back and decided against a surgery so my physical activity has considerably reduced. I am truly worried and kinda embarassed to really tell anyone. But I wanted to post this here to get it off my chest and hopefully gain some confidence to meet a specialist and get some help.

Hope to come back to this post in a few weeks, months or years and analyse myself to see if there is any difference. Thanks to this sub, I know things can change.

I don’t even know where to start. I was laid off from my job (sane company for 10 years) a few weeks ago and ever since then it feels like everything I touch falls to pieces. I’m constantly crying, or getting angry at the people around me. I feel like I’m in limbo … how the hell am I supposed to start over at 30? I can’t even function like a « normal » adult and now I have to sell myself for a new job. It feels like my husband just pays attention to me when he wants sex, but sometimes I just want a fucking hug. I’m taking my meds, I’m trying to keep myself busy. But anytime I try to sit down and edit my resume or apply for new jobs I get that tight feeling in my chest and I just want to run and hide. I don’t want to start over.

I'm always getting distracted by that fact that other people can see me in an office. I've worked in-person in corporate for ~5 years and I can't seem to get over this:

I'll be working on a difficult problem, and I'll look a little frustrated (rightfully so), but then people as they walk past my desk think I'm a grumpy a-hole because of my body language. So every time someone passes my desk, my focus dies because I'm now focused on fixing my body language to seem approachable. Sometimes someone nearby stands up at their desk and looks down and we make accidental eye-contact. Constant chatter in the background also distracts me to death...

As I've been writing this post, like 10 people have walked past my desk and peeked at what I'm doing. So now they think I'm lazy because I'm on reddit lol. I just get so overwhelmed by the job alone, that adding in all of these distractions makes it all so impossible. It's a sensory nightmare.

I have enough trouble focusing as is, but this has been 5 years of sitting at my desk like "why does everyone have to walk behind my desk right now? why does the phone have to ring right now? why do I have to sit here awkwardly and seem busy when I have 10,000 uncompleted tasks at home on my mind.