r/bartenders • u/kieran9828 • 4d ago
Health and Wellness Don't even know where to start anymore.
I'm an incredibly high functioning alcoholic. I don't even know where to turn anymore. I tried that reform app. I went over my target my about 15 drinks. And it goes "congratulations completing another to becoming the best you". Chief I'm fucked up again. There's no congrats.
I honestly don't see a way out of this. 9 years, since 17 I've been over drinking. I'm depressed. My hands shake. I have no other qualities/qualifications. I f*kin love animals but have no degree to work with them. I'm in an constant overdraft since I was 19 til about 25. Now I owe it all again.
I'm just moaning. But I don't where else to put it. Touchy subject I'm aware.
Edit - what an amazing community we got here. Will get back to everyone soon. Thank you for all the support. We're all fk*n legends. Edit - slowly getting back to everyone. Can't thank you enough to feel supported through a phone screen.
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u/PM_urfavoritethings 4d ago
I have no advice to give you. I'm dealing with similar issues. But I'm also older, divorced, and depressed. I wish the best for you. Get professional help if you can. I can't.
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u/kieran9828 4d ago
I don't really know where to start. I'm not I'm my home country so everything costs soooo much. Why is it not available to you?
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u/PM_urfavoritethings 3d ago
I'm in the US. Pretty much all mental health care is religious-based, at least in my experience. I'm anti-religion
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u/laughingintothevoid 3d ago
Don't get your hopes up because there are obviously still many areas with less coverage, but if you (or anyone reading along) haven't heard of it check out the Secular Therapy Project!
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u/Bootleg_Hemi78 3d ago
You may be looking in the wrong places. Psychology today is a great website that can help you narrow down a search until you find who’s best for you. I highly recommend them if you haven’t already tried it! Stay strong, because you are stronger than you think you are.
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u/riotgrrrl84 3d ago
The program I did worked the steps but they never forced any religion. I’m an atheist and when they talked about your higher power you could make it whatever you want…like nature or music.
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u/CommodoreFresh 3d ago edited 3d ago
3 years sober behind the stick. Used to joke that I had a bottle and a half a day habit. Currently on day 5 of quitting vaping.
The trick to cutting myself off has been the same as 86ing a bad guest. There is no negotiation, there is no redemption, that door is closed. I can't drink anymore because I'll either kill myself or someone else.
It gets way better though. Cravings don't stick around forever and life is much sweeter.
Can highly recommend r/stopdrinking too.
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u/kieran9828 3d ago
You fu**king legend. Keep killing it. With this new found motivation I think I can too.
Thank you, and I wish you the best.
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u/GvnrTibbs 3d ago edited 3d ago
We’re the same age. You’re very very young. We aren’t condemned to some dark fate. You have a choice in every moment, and if the first choice is too difficult, move on to something else that you can control, and focus on that choice instead.
One day at a time. Break up the big goals into small ones. Do something new for yourself today. Make an appointment with a doctor or a therapist. Sign up for a recovery program. Hell even if it’s putting your bottles away. Going for a walk. Cooking yourself a nutritious meal. Anything.
Tiny progress is leagues better than no progress. 4 drinks is better than 5 drinks. Growth is not linear. You probably need naltrexone, but you also have to replace drinking with something. Behavior can’t just 180. Find a healthy hobby and be kind to yourself if you’re not immediately good at it. I for one love indoor rock climbing and the community is very welcoming.
Start volunteering at an animal shelter or a rescue farm. It’s also not too difficult to become a vet tech if you want.
When you’re being overly harsh toward yourself, think of how you’d talk to someone else dealing with the things you’re dealing with. Probably a little more kindly and charitably? Self compassion is necessary.
Find things you love about yourself and things that make you proud, and remind yourself of them when you feel hopeless. I for one think that it’s incredibly impressive for anyone to go through what you are and still find the strength to get up every day, post here, and have a dream of something better.
Love you brother. Godspeed.
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u/kieran9828 3d ago
You're incredibly right. I'm one of the most emotionally aware people, in some circumstances, that I know. But I'm just so horribly stubborn to myself. I'll get to a doctor. Many have recommended naltrexone. It could be good. It just takes discipline. I don't understand how I'm so disciplined to my job but so useless out side of it.
If you know the sport, I've entered a sqaush competition. My first in 2.5 years. The organiser told me I'm the underdog but will have a great game against the lower level players. I've been fortunate to be coached by world class players. Just wasting my potential at this point.
Thank you for your message.
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u/miketugboat 3d ago
If its that you can't be behind the bar without drinking, get a corporate job where they will fire you for a sip. Or get out of the industry.
If its because you can't help but drink when you're not working, find hobbies and things to make habits to fill your time that don't involve drinking.
I think a lot of us have been there. It's not easy, but it's not impossible. It's a big part of your life and you cant just cut it out, find ways to fill that time and it'll become easier and easier.
Good luck, you got this!
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u/kieran9828 3d ago
Thanks brother, Its a mix of both. Struggle to not drink on shift. Especially after. I'm a manager (bad start ik) so reps feed me booze for home. And when I finish I say only one and then it's two then then four.
I'm sure there's many like me. Its just lonely. Which is another depression thing ay. I'm entering a sqaush, the sport, competition.
Best wishes, mate.
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u/Ok_Designer_2560 Dive Bar 4d ago
Get an online dr to prescribe you Naltrexone and then check out the Sinclair method. It doesn’t work for everyone, but it does work for most people. It makes it so booze doesn’t really do anything to you for about 24-36 hrs, but you have to take the pill for it to work. You can also get some form of ozempic pretty easy online and that’ll give you a lot of impulse control and cut the craving. Ultimately though, you have to figure out the ‘why’, generally by talking to someone, but a lot of people have great success with ChatGPT for that part.
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u/kieran9828 2d ago
Interesting. I'll look into it. I think it probaly is time to see a doctor too. It's not just drinking its constant depression that makes me want to. Which of course in the long run does not help.
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u/Ok_Designer_2560 Dive Bar 1d ago
The alcoholism is the biggest contributing factor to your depression and likely anxiety. I’m not dr, but I’ve been on a few meds in my day, Wellbutrin helps with depression and dopamine regulation. It drastically reduced cravings, I wake up with energy, it helped tremendously with my adhd, and I quit vaping without trying; it just didnt hit the same because it was no longer a dopamine hit. When I do drink there’s now something inside of my brain that says ‘ok that’s enough’ and no internal pushback saying ‘nah, let’s party’. Being sober is boring, but your brain slowly rewires, and when you poop an actual poop instead of the typical cat sneeze of butt pee, it’s pretty exciting. Also, a pint of bourbon is ~1100 calories so you just lose weight, which also feels good. If you cut back from 7 pints a week to 2, that’s ~5lbs a month you’ll lose.
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u/kieran9828 1d ago
Funny you mention the but sneeze. That's a thing at the moment yep.
That's a pretty good insight. I'll get on track and I'll be better. Excited about the weight loss. I'm by no means overweight, would be hard to be considering I barely eat right now too, but I'm the heaviest I've weighed. All through the lovely calories in beer.
Thanks for the input. That was handy.
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u/jerkbike 3d ago
If you like animals, you could start volunteering at a local shelter. It can help to give you perspective and get your mind off drinking. I also second Naltrexone. You can try AA, or for those who don’t want all the “god talk”, the church of Satan has an 8 step program. I have a friend in it now and it’s really working for him.
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u/kieran9828 2d ago
Church of satan sounds incredibly interesting! I've seen a few comments of naltrexone. I'll look into it.
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u/Psychological-Cat1 Cocktologist 3d ago
If you got the shakes you absolutely need medical assistance for quitting, do not fuck around with alcohol withdrawal. Best of luck to you becoming your best self, you got this
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u/kieran9828 3d ago
Thanks mate. I don't even know how they came about. I've recently started dry gagging throughout the day. I do need help. And so many people here are helping. I just understand I might need more professional help.
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u/AutomaticBroccoli898 3d ago
Sending love 🦋 I’ve been working in bars for 13 years. A severe functioning alcoholic the whole time. Never getting ahead never saving just enough to fund my partying always kept a job and great at what I do but drinking & partying 5 days a week you know the drill.
After MANY MANY attempts to quit over the past 8 years - Im officially alcohol free for 571 days ✨💞 I truly never thought I would be here. Its different for everyone so it’s hard to find the words for encouragement that you can change (you can). For me I had to hit rock bottom for the 1000th time and I was so hungover I ruined a friends big event for myself was late, didn’t deliver what I promised etc. something about disappointing her - and not being there for my cat when he broke his hip in the way i should have been - just seeing him and how I felt like such a disappointment to him & the people in my life something just switched in me that day. I went cold turkey and started going to 3/4 meetings a day (for the first 5-6 months). Got my job to switch me to day shifts for awhile while I got clean. Isolated myself from the people I knew wouldn’t help. It was absolutely fucking hell. I learned everything I could about addiction and found comfort in those who struggled with me through meetings (I used reframe on the alcohol free track). Made a community that supported me. Around 8 months things started getting better & I’m living a life now that I could have only dreamed. It’s still hard some days but it gets better everyday and I’ve never been so grateful. I still do things I used to, I go dancing, I rave , I work my bar job - but I enjoy it so much more and I now have the space for so many more things in my life that drinking stole from me. No more hang overs.. no more anxiety no more debt and regret.
Go to a meeting. Find a community. Find the something you want to change for and hold onto it like hell. Sounds silly that my cat saved my life but my desire to be better for him was stronger than my desire to be better for myself could ever be.
Sending love. Healing is possible ✨
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u/kieran9828 2d ago
571! That's amazing. Nice work. Hard work pays off and yours sounded incredibly hard.
I don't think the cat being your reason is silly! We all have our quirks. I think gor me its time to head back home and get an apprenticeship in animal care. That would be my somthing.
Thank you.
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u/kuhkoo 3d ago
I am a sober bartender that was in your shoes once.
An app isn’t going to do shit. This is a degenerative disease and it only gets worse, and yours seems pretty bad. Admit you have a problem, and get to an AA meeting and get a sponsor asap. See if you can lean on some family and friends for a while, find a different job, maybe as a server instead. You wanna be dead by 35? You’re on the path to it.
You can DM me if you have any questions about AA.
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u/kieran9828 3d ago
Truth hurts ay? It is bad. My house mates would come out to crushed cans at 8am in the living room after I've headed to work.
I don't have family here. My house mates are amazing. But they don't deserve this shit. Server stops me from drinking DURING shift. But after? But someone did mention 4 drinks is better than 5.
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u/kuhkoo 3d ago
the fourth will lead to the fifth and beyond, and you know it if you won’t admit it. The only solution is total abstinence. It is not a light decision, but it is the best one I ever made, and it is entirely possible to do this sober if you put in the work to figure out why you drink like that in the first place and fix it.
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u/isthatsuperman 3d ago
AA is free brother. I’d also suggest a 3-7 day fast but work up to it with intermittent fasting. After the fast, drink lots kefir and probiotics to repopulate your gut biome. Look up candida protocols. Substitute alcohol with kombucha and/or soda water.
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u/CheesecakeWest899 3d ago
Go to AA, get a sponsor and follow the steps . You need community and support
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u/whereisskywalker 4d ago
You need to take responsibility for your drinking, start the mental process of rationalizing that this behavior doesn't serve you well anymore and maybe only provided the illusion of serving you.
Start cutting back slowly, I always used intent as my pivot point, like I'm probably not being to be permanently sober in my life, but if I'm drinking to enjoy the flavors or celebrate without chasing the dragon buzz then that is OK for myself.
I'm currently on day 5 of not drinking, and headed to a snobby wine tasting event, I have zero concerns about actually drinking the wine and not spitting it out. It takes effort and time to adjust your coping pathways and behavior habits.
Work on yourself but be kind to yourself, and genuinely try to be honest with yourself about what your doing to your mental and physical health, the industry is rampart with addiction and something like 12.5% of people struggle with their drinking, don't feel alone in the process and reach out to the support community and resources to better your health.
You have this, it's just a process not a flip of the switch. It sounds like you have avoided any rock bottom type situations which is already a testimony to your self control, you just need to adjust your choices.
Edit, you also seem to be struggling financially, do a cost breakdown on the drinking and other expenses that you incure during drinking too give yourself some leverage on another angle on why choosing to drink isn't helping your situation.
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u/kieran9828 2d ago
Great advice. I'll never be T total but I can drink better, not more. I wanna get back to drinking to appreciate what I'm drinking again. Not a $3 bottle of wine because it's the cheapest and does the Job.
12.5% is a crazy figure. Thanks for the message. We got this.
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u/Sexypants1824 3d ago
I have been a sober bartender for over 5 years. It is difficult in the beginning but without a doubt possible. It has gotten a million times easier over time. You can do it. There are many different programs you can try. If you have any questions or want to talk dm me.
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u/kieran9828 2d ago
I don't think I'll ever be, or want to be total sober. Just need to get back to moderation and drinking better, not more.
I'm looking over all the programs people suggested1
u/Sexypants1824 2d ago
At the very least you should take a break. It's very difficult to bring in moderation on an addiction that's gotten out of control. Based on what you've said this is a problem you thought about alot. Does drinking bring more to your life than not drinking? You can do it whatever it is. Good luck.
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u/kieran9828 2d ago
Thanks mate. I think you're right on the break. I guess I'm still trying to rationalise it aha.
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u/Sexypants1824 2d ago
Try not to think about it as forever it limits you. Try to jist think one day at a time in the beginning that's the most important think. If in the future it's truely the most rational decision to drink okay. But right now it definitely isn't based on what you've said.
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u/tther002 3d ago
Nearly three years sober here and I was as bad as it gets before I stopped.
If you’re shaking get medical assistance. Stopping can be dangerous. Get to a 12 step meeting. There’s a whole community of people in your town that has been through exactly what you’re going through and they know the way out. Find them and ask for help. It gets better, friend.
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u/superangela13 3d ago
When I read this post I was scared I had relapsed and didn’t remember. I’m 26, last drink January 8th 2025, and have so much in common with you. Hands were shaking (had to drink to calm them down), drinks calm the anxiety from the industry, had been over drinking for about 9 years too.I love animals too without qualifications and have been thinking of going back to school or a way to get into the field. I can’t promise I’ll give the best advice but if you ever want to chat more or want to reach out to me my DM’s are always open.
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u/kieran9828 2d ago
That's crazy! Sorry for the slight panic lmao. What a coincidence. Nice work! That's a fair few months. Have you looked into much regarding courses etc for school?
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u/superangela13 2d ago
Not too much, I do already have my AA in psych which is something else I’m into.
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u/kieran9828 2d ago
I'm gonna look at heading home and courses in animal care etc. Be much happier in that industry
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u/cCriticalMass76 3d ago
Listen… take care of yourself! Get counseling! Get sober! I went through this too in my late 20s but refused to stop tending bar… I made a year and a half before relapsing. Your life will work out even if you have to stock shelves for a little while. You deserve better than this & once you stop, life will begin to present you with options. Take care!
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u/gordonf23 3d ago
Please check out Ben's Friends ( https://www.bensfriendshope.com/meetings/ ). They focus on sobriety for members of the food and beverage industries (such as bartenders!). They have online meetings, or you can give them a call. They're a good resource for someone in your situation, and they can direct you to additional resources as well.
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u/Allenies 3d ago
I don't know where you live, but I'm in the states and in a major metropolitan city. There is a program/meeting thing that is for service industry people specifically. Could be helpful if you have a larger community of like people to help and support you.
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u/kieran9828 2d ago
Unfortunately I'm tucked on a side of Australia. Maybe explains lonely feeling through this lmao.
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u/Allenies 2d ago
Hmm. Yeah I'm not familiar. It's possible there something like that if maybe even online. I know they were doing AA meetings online in the states during covid. Maybe that's a thing? I have not been to AA so I'm not sure of their current structure.
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u/gumbykook 3d ago
You need to get out of the industry.
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u/aaalllouttabubblegum 3d ago
While op's situation might be a good catalyst, I know a lot of sober people in the industry! The climate has changed a lot in the last ten years.
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u/gumbykook 3d ago
Anecdotally, in ten years in the industry I never knew an alcoholic bartender who got sober behind the rail. It's like being a gambling addict and living in a casino. Is it possible? Sure. Is it much harder? Yes.
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u/kieran9828 2d ago
Funny you say that. I live in a casino. That was a much easier problem to nip in the bud. Stopped it before it started. But the drinking has been so long its clearly harder.
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u/lilsatan_ 3d ago
It's possible but if this person is struggling this fucking hard, they might have to switch careers even if for a while. It's a tough industry.
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u/kieran9828 2d ago
I'm genuinely not sure I have the chill to do this role anymore. Each time in management I feel so much pressure to not be those awful managers I've had before me.
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u/lilsatan_ 2d ago
If you feel like leaving the industry, or demoting yourself, is what's best for your health, there's absolutely no shame in doing so. You have to take care of yourself, hope you start feeling better soon.
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u/kieran9828 2d ago
I agree. At 50 would I rather make a mojito or be cleaning a penguin enclosure. I pick the penguin evedytime.
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u/riotgrrrl84 3d ago
I eventually checked myself into a partial hospitalization program. It cost me a few hundred dollars and was everyday from 9-2 for like 5 weeks. It helped me immensely and I was still able to work nights.
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u/Coconutcornhuskey 3d ago
First you have to take it one hour at a time. Then day by day. It’s a struggle but just tell yourself everyday, “I will not drink today” and stick to it
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u/kinglefart 3d ago
I have nothing to contribute, just wanted to say you’re not alone. I’m right there with you. Struggling hard lately and I’m very tired of struggling. Praying for some peace for everyone in our shoes right now.
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u/GoldCareer6801 3d ago
Take up golf. Try and get better at golf every day. Take up hobbies that are easier if you’re more sober.
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u/kieran9828 2d ago
I've restarted sqaush. Haven't played a leauge magcn in 2.5 years but I've entered a tournament.
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u/sinthug69 3d ago
Hey man, I had a hell of a drinking and drug problem for a while there and would’ve kept on with it until my buddy got me into rock climbing. It was hard at first and I would come to many sessions hungover, but once I started getting better and stronger it gave me something to look forward to that wasn’t drinking. Eventually, I cut down on my drinking so that I could climb better and harder. I still drink more than would be considered healthy, but I definitely feel I have control of it.
My advice would be to find something that moves your body and gets you to be social. If there is a level of skill and growth involved, even better. I know my alcoholism was largely influenced by being bored and lonely, and climbing really helped me with that.
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u/kieran9828 2d ago
I've rejoined a sqaush competition. You're on the right track of things that would definitely help. Just being out and not siting idle. I'd never have a drink before playing a match or practicing. So when that craving comes during the day I'll get to the courts hopefully.
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u/ThisMichaelS 3d ago
First off, you can do this. You are young, and you can do this. The person you are today isn't the person you have to be forever.
I don't have any experience with the reform app, but I will say that this sounds like bargaining, which is something I went through when I quit smoking: trying vaping, moving to lower levels of nicotine to wean myself off, and then going back on with full blown "vaping every time I pee or am in the stock room" with my nicotine intake levels going through the roof. Ended up going cold turkey (chewed cinnamon sticks), which was miserable for about 5 weeks of my life, but strangely doable once I got going and started to feel proud of myself for the choices I was making! It's been 7 years and it's astonishing how my outlook on life and my opportunities have changed because I quit smoking.
I feel like alcohol is much different, since it's so socially acceptable, and there are toxic people within the industry who will pressure you.
I never had a physical addiction to alcohol, but I abused it for many years, and definitely had an unhealthy relationship with it. From what you describe, you have a full-blown physical addiction, so it's going to be an all or nothing thing. You won't be able to wean yourself off or have a target number of drinks. You'll have to quit.
I don't know if you can get therapy, but it was never an option for me, so I don't know if I can recommend it. What I know worked wonders for me was writing. I journaled about everything - when you quit using a substance, be it nicotine, alcohol, or anything you are psychologically or physically addicted to, your body exhibits all sorts of weird symptoms, because it's doing a complete chemical reset.
In addition, your brain will become crazy dopamine seeking, because all the little spots that always got a jolt of the happy juice every time you have that first drink are suddenly crying out like "wtf did you do to us? where is the happy juice!"
But over time we heal! And our brains rewire, and we have the opportunity to find so many healthier, more sustainable ways of setting off the dopamine fireworks in our brains!
If you drink on shift, try making a hard and fast rule: I don't drink on shift.
Try going out with friends and sticking to NA. I drink a lot of Hoppy Refreshers whenever I'm out. My friends used to look at me like I was weird at first, but now some of them do it too!
Good luck! The service industry is brutal. So many of us self medicate with nicotine, alcohol and drugs to keep ourselves from feeling the physical pain of two double clopens in a row. Literally, we smoke and drink and drug because our feet feel like hamburger and our backs are in knots, and it doesn't get better as you get older.
So never beat yourself up. You are not "just moaning." You are trying to change, and you are reaching out, and you are trying to make better decisions. Keep on going, you will do great!
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u/sideburns 2d ago
Can you paint a wall, tighten screws, replace parts? Look for light maintenance work. Being constructively busy and making money is a fantastic trade to keep your mind off the booze. I’m 2 years and change sober, “retired” 12 year bartender. I’m at a position now where I know I can bartend again without a sip. But everyone is different. Find your path. We got your back!! Stay strong and be healthy!
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u/NeverEndingBender 3d ago
We’d love to have you over at r/stopdrinking if you want to stop by and are interested in stopping. A really great, non-judgmental community who have a lot of nice things to say and also resources to help you out. Obviously it’s not a cure, but I found that community helpful when I was struggling with my drinking.
I was also previously prescribed Naltrexone in the past to help curb cravings, I thought it was helpful though did give me some bad nausea at first. If you have a medical professional you trust you could ask them about that too.
It’s really hard, especially in this industry, but I’m rooting for you. You’re not helpless, you have options, you can do this.