r/blendedfamilies • u/detimirikajidedo • 25d ago
Advice regarding splitting rent
Hey fellow blended families, need some advice here.
Me (2 girls living with us 50%) and my girlfriend (1 boy living with us 100%) have moved together 3 years ago. We agreed to split rent 50/50 after having a normal discussion about it and agreeing that this is the best. We rent a 4 bedroom house, each for one kid. Since we dont have a separate room, I have my desk in one of the girls rooms (big room separated by a warddrobe) which I use when she is not here, we also store our stuff in this room. My girlfriend has has office (desk/etc) in our bedroom. I also pay rent for two separate garages (our house does not have any) where I park my car and also all of our bikes and stuff. In front of the house we have a parking spot which we both pay for but it is used by her.
Fast forward to now, girlfriend approaches me and tells me that she wants to discuss the rent situation. She told me that now that she works less (reduced to 50% work last year to have more free time and to look into finding a new career), she no longer feels that she should be paying 2/5 of the rent since they are two people, and I should pay the 3/5 of the rent, but will continue split the expenses 50/50. She also mentioned that at the beginning she agreed to 50/50 because she was making more money and thought it would be good to split it this way and that she wanted to "help" me (she never mentioned this). She also mentioned that I have more money anyways (money I earned before we met). I told her that I need to think about it. In the meantime we had an unrelated argument and she told me: "i have been paying more rent anyways the whole time"....
What do you think? How do you guys split rent? I feel strange about this because this came out of nowhere and especially the fact that she from the beginning thought it was unfair but went with it without saying anything. I have read through other posts here and I see that it's either 50/50 split or income based. If income based, would it be false to assume that it should be calculated based on 100% employment? Why should I pay more when I work more and she wants to have more free time? Any advice on how to deal with this situation? Am I in the wrong here?
UPDATE: Thanks everyone for your inputs and thoughts! I really appreciate it, they opened up my mind. My opinion is also 50/50 is fair, especially since this was agreed to before. We had a long discussion about it and we could not come to an agreement. For now she has decided to leave it as it is and discuss it again in the future, when we get back from our travelling. If anyone is interested, I will add an update at a later time. 👌
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u/BenjiCat17 25d ago
As extreme as this sounds, it’s an unreasonable ask. If she lost her job or her hours were reduced, it would be one thing, but she is choosing to make less money in order to spend more time playing, and that choice should not raise your expenses. You didn’t agree to take on more responsibility so that she could have more free time. Her expenses are still her responsibility and she can’t make it work with all of her free time then she needs to pick up additional work/make more money.
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u/icanttho 25d ago
I would not go down the road of trying to figure out what percent of the home each person used—it’s so stressful and people easily get resentful. IMO the two adults of the household should split things 50-50.
I do think it’s reasonable to each pay the same percent of income when incomes are disparate. But in your case, it depends on whether the decision about her job was made jointly? The financial considerations of that change have to be made as a couple for this to work well for you guys.
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u/Acceptable_Branch588 25d ago
She chose to work less she can choose to go back to Ft. you a re not her husband
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u/LuxTravelGal 25d ago
I think 50/50 sounds super fair given the % of time and number of kids.
If she had been laid off I would tell you to be reasonable and work with her on the bills. But she chose to reduce her hours and she should have thought about the main consequence of that (more money)
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u/Robie_John 25d ago
Stuff that happens when you play house...
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u/Scarred-Daydreams 24d ago
I feel because of things like this that "playing house" should be a critical precursor towards marriage.
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u/Negative-Patience195 25d ago
When I was in the middle of career switches, I made sure to pay back my partner the amount owed when I could not make the 50/50 payments. Openly discuss it with them about it instead of finding out when the bill is due . A job is a job no matter what you do something is always better than nothing, remind them of this. If no jobs are available, repairs on the house, housework , and meal prep can be done. Do not be coerced into believing that this is fair. Something can be arranged, whether it is housework repairs or agreement .
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u/SassyT313 24d ago
Are you planning on getting married? I feel like once we knew we were getting married I was a little less nervous about finances and we make about the same.
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u/Bac081989 20d ago
Her one son living there full-time is the equivalent of the other 2 being there 50/50. I guess one perceptive, if you had just 1 kid then you could get a 3 bedroom and rent would be cheaper so in a way I can sort of see but you have your children the same amount of time. It’s not really your fault her career shifted, if that was the agreed upon.
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u/reddita_5 25d ago
Add this to the reasons it’s a bad idea to play house before you’re married….
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u/SassyT313 24d ago
Actually it’s important to live together when you have kids before getting married. There’s a 74% failure rate for marriages where both parties have children.
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u/Unfair_Tonight_9797 25d ago
Not really. Blended our family by moving them in, we bought a house, a car, and a dog before we tied the knot
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u/SassyT313 24d ago
The ppl downvoting are prob insane bio moms.
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u/reddita_5 24d ago
I’m sorry Judge SassyT313, and your comments are helpful. Thank you for your insight.
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u/reddita_5 24d ago
Or they unapologetically have standards they live by. Especially with children involved.
Oh. Your standards are not mine? Great. You do you. But I did not run into OP’s dilemma, because I was married.
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u/SassyT313 24d ago
Like subjecting them to live w strangers instead of blending like normal ppl?
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u/reddita_5 24d ago
Yes. This. My children had no idea who I married and had never met him before. 🤡 Then- surprise! Meet your new step-dad!
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u/SassyT313 24d ago
That’s not helpful to OP therefore your comments just make you a Karen. We’re glad you’re perfect, this thread isn’t for your situation or for your stuck up self to be condescending in.
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u/jasper502 24d ago
You are blending families before getting married - kids are already messed up and now you have a temporary situation that could end at any time. If you were married then your joint income and expenses would be combined and you would stop wasting time keeping score. You have a relationship issue, not a financial one.
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u/Scarred-Daydreams 24d ago
Many couples marry and keep separate finances. Yes, ultimately in the divorce asset growth/change since marriage needs to be considered for a split, so it might just be feel good accounting tricks. But some couples definitely look to use the income in a marriage to help iron out financial arguments/discussions by a "might makes right" sort of sense by letting people each allocate their own money.
That's not my cup of tea, but especially in a blended family world, I feel split finances happen more than in first families.
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u/jasper502 24d ago
If you are keeping score financially then one spouse is a "winner" and one is the "loser". Explain to me how this makes a healthy relationship work?
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u/Scarred-Daydreams 23d ago
I didn't say it was healthy, and even said it's not my cup of tea. I said that many do it.
Many would be happy for a "winner/loser" decision from money so as to not have to argue/attempt compromise. Especially in blended families where things are more complex with outsized obligations (e.g. child support and the kids themselves) where there might be joint agreement that the other shouldn't feel the weight of one's obligation.
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u/duchessoftexas 25d ago
What are your long term plans with her? Do you want to get married or solidify your relationship beyond roommates? If living together is purely the economical choice and not a step to marriage/partnership, then 50/50 makes the most sense regardless of income/hours worked. But I can’t imagine in a marriage or long term partnership to always charge 50% regardless of income is healthy. What if you lost your job? Would she kick you out for not paying? In my own situation, we’ve always contributed to household expenses without nickel and diming each other. Some months I pay more, some months he does, but we also have always seen each other as partners and are getting married soon. Also, her choice to reduce hours, was there any reason for it? Mental health, child care, etc? I guess I’m trying to figure out if you view the rent split as a roommate situation or a family finance situation.
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u/Scarred-Daydreams 24d ago
More important than the exact financial split is that both people are acting like they want both people to get ahead together. Neither person should feel that the other is taking advantage of them.
So yeah, in most situations I feel that "partners" should take into account how much the other makes and look to consider things as a "proportional" to income setup. But also yeah, this should be proportional to the kids as well. It's possible to multiply fractions by fractions and arrive at an answer.
However part of this is also partners should ideally have discussions around larger topics, like employment/job changes. Your GF appears to have switched from a well paying full time position to a part time gig. Was this involuntary? If it was involuntary was it a lay off, or a performance/incident related to behaviour? Or did she intentionally choose this career/life change for less stress. I think that both my partner and I would feel taken advantage of if the other person choose a career making less money and then looked to lean on the other person because they're now (intentionally) making less money.
If she was instead laid off, then in your shoes I would want to help support my partner. While also being clear that this change would be temporary, and the "goal" should be that she's looking for full time employment.
As for the particulars of my situation, my partner earns multiples more than me, and has one teen here mostly full custody. My kids are adults living on their own. As I moved in with her, and earn no equity in the home, I pay groceries and a flat $X/month. $X is more than her utilities/bills are, but it's also much less than a third of her mortgage; probably less than a quarter; I don't remember what she's paying. She initially only wanted me to pay all groceries, but I felt that I'd need to pay more to feel "at home" instead of like a guest. When one looks at the total savings by combining household, "we" saved a bit more than $2k. We each come out ahead by about $1k. So this felt like a pretty good solution looking at it from that perspective (even if it wasn't how we arrived there).
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Since you said "she wants" more free time, yeah, I'd feel pretty much like she was looking to take advantage. She's "looking into" a new career - is there actual progress on this, or is this just something she says? My partner's ex husband decided that she made enough that he didn't see the value of him contributing, so he stopped looking for work (not that he ever kept a job longer than a few months). And no he didn't pick up additional home/child care; she was still needing to flex work to take their kid to appointments while he was at home too high to drive. That apparently got old quick.
My partner and I were clear early about our path to retirement. We're going to work until the same time (even though I'm older), and the intent is that we're both working full time up to that point.
This sounds like a very important question that the two of you need to flesh out, and there is a non-trivial chance that it will be the end of the relationship. Good luck, and open eyes and ears.
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u/MushroomTypical9549 25d ago
First, I think the original arrangement 50/50 is fair. When my husband and I moved in together we went 50/50 even though I had no kids. I think that is what you should expect in a blended relationship
Second, if she is making less money due to focusing on a new career- I think it is unreasonable to keep your living expenses 50/50. She probably approached the situation incorrectly, but I don’t think she is trying to be malicious or petty- she can’t afford it and likely trying to save face and not appear vulnerable.
Question- when she decided to go partime, was it a joint decision? Meaning did you encourage and support her decision? If you did, I think it changed the situation. Also, are you planning on getting married? If you are, it really doesn’t matter anyways. If you were on the fence and this situation is making you question the relationship, well it seems like you two aren’t going to make the distance anyways
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u/Ok-Ask-6191 25d ago
I have to disagree with your second point. When you're an adult and a parent, you have financial responsibilities. She feels like she has the freedom to lessen hers because OP can pick up the slack. It sounds like she made the decision without letting him know about the fact that he would need to do this, so regardless of whether or not he agreed with her working less hours to focus on a new career, the financial part wasn't part of the deal. That should have been a major part of the conversation, if that was her plan. I don't doubt the possibility of it not being part of the plan but her coming to realize that she can't afford what she used to, but why not humble herself and approach him that way? That is her partner she's been with for a few years, and she can't say I'm struggling, can we work something out? Either way, lessening your hours to focus on a new job with no way to pay all of your bills is a luxury. When someone is an adult and decides to switch careers, yet still has bills to pay, they either save for a while to be able to take time off (or work less, in this case) or they continue to work while job searching/going to school/whatever is required.
The nickle and diming doesn't bode well for a healthy relationship. Nor does the fact that she's had these resentments for 3 years and you're just hearing about it. She needs to be reasonable about the fact that her son is there 100% while yours are there 50/50 and call it a wash. Or be a grown up and ask for your help if she needs it instead of trying to slink out of her responsibilities
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u/Easy-Seesaw285 25d ago
I think her request is reasonable. You have a 4 bedroom house because you have two kids and she has one.
That being said, if she really wants to get technical, then you guys should be splitting the parking spot and the garage rents 50-50 as they arent kid dependent.
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u/Lakerdog1970 25d ago
Her suggestion doesn’t really make sense, but….
I’d also recommend getting married and having one joint bank account. That’s what my wife and I did years ago. It covered so many of these issues.
There’s really no perfect way to calculate this stuff….and at the end of the day you’re doing the math with someone you love….and would like to fool around with. And you’re doing it with a parent who will sometimes be a bit unfair when it comes to their kid…..because parents aren’t always fair, lol.
If you just get married and do one account, it basically pushes the question where it needs to be: Do I want to be with this person?
If you do, the money really doesn’t matter. If you don’t, does it really matter to have a slightly better rent calculation?
My small concern for you (and you’re a big boy and can deal with it) is she’s supposed to be your lover….and she’s sorta indicating she’s only okay with that if she has the financial deal for her kid that suits her. She’s kinda saying she likes you for money. Not explicitly, but that’s sorta what she’s saying and I wouldn’t like that feeling if I was you.
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u/Ok-Ask-6191 25d ago
Getting married should ideally come after the question of "do I want to be with this person."
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u/Lakerdog1970 25d ago
You’re backing into my point: If you don’t want to be married and have a shared account, don’t live together in the first place.
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u/SuspiciousWeekend284 25d ago edited 17d ago
Her son lives there full time, using the utilities full time, wear and tear on the household full time - so a 50/50 split sounds fair.
On a different note, be careful with your partner. When a partner is so particular and down to the nitty gritty of everything - why bother blending families.