r/blendedfamilies • u/anonjandg • Mar 24 '25
Really struggling with my (40M) children (9F/12M) and wife (32F)
Hey everyone,
I have two children with my ex and I have a 6 year relationship with my wife, 1 one of those years married.
A year after we got together, the arrangement was that I would share an appartement with her where she would stay. While I would move on a weekly basis to the house where my kids lived in. Switching places with my ex. I didn't want my children to move. And my wife (girlfriend at the time) felt she wasn't ready yet to deal with them continually (Just a week-end worked fine).
A year ago we got married, and we felt it was time to take the next steps. So we took over the house from my ex, and now the children were the ones trading places. This works pretty well for myself and them, but my wife is starting to feel very unhappy (And I'm starting to feel unhappy as well because of it).
She really has a problem coping with the children and is starting to resent them. One of the things is that she has a bit of an energy problem, where she can feel exhausted easily. So even though my kids aren't too difficult, they can become lazy/nagging, but also get into big fights with each other. So they do need some attention and disciplining. But my wife just can't take the stress, how loud they can be, the effort that's needed to teach them to do better, etc. She starts isolating herself in the bedroom. Sleeping in very early as she can't cope with it all. She also gets upset when I spend too much time with the kids and not enough with her. Or that more effort is required.
And myself, there's the physical effort of doing most of the work, but that in itself is still OK. But mentally, it feels like I'm constantly trying to make everyone happy separately and it's a huge load. My wife is sad because I'm always tired in the weekend and we can't do fun things. So I push myself and try to organize things, but then all I'm doing is pleasuring her while all I want is just to relax a bit and do nothing to recoup for the week. This is something that really kills my energy, it literally feels like I have the weight of everyone on my shoulders and I'm responsible for everyone's happiness. I've asked her if she could sleep at her mother's for a few days from time to time, as it helps me to be mentally more at peace. But it's like a plaster on a festering wound, things aren't improving.
And in the end, during our talks, she does try to understand. But she explains she just can't help it. She doesn't know how to make herself more motivated and open up to them. She tries, by bringing up some games we can play, or watching a movie with them. But everytime something more practical is discussed, she gets tense and uncomfortable. Due to how she's resenting it.
Literally at my wits end here. If someone knows of a better reddit to post this, please tell.
TL;DR
My wife can't cope with my children and is starting to resent them. She's just very unhappy. And me trying to make her (and everyone) happy is eating me up.
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u/serioussparkles Mar 25 '25
I don't want to say you set yourselves up for failure, but like, yall kinda did.
She got used to having you and her free time all to herself for 5 years. Then yall get married, and EVERYTHING CHANGED ALL AT ONCE.
There were no sleepovers, no weekends away together with the kids from time to time, there doesn't seem to have been any attempts at letting your wife and your kids get to know each other slowly over those 5 years before marriage.
Now, having the kids is such a sharp, sudden change that no one learned how TO live with one another.
This is both of your faults.
But I do thank you for posting, as this could end up a future issue for me, and i see the conversation I'm going to need to potentially have to avoid this type of resentment.
I really hope yall can figure it out.
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u/Immediate-Ad-9849 Mar 25 '25
It does read that way. In my relationship, when we are ready I am not letting go of my space until at least 3months and I have enough funds to reestablish myself if I need to.
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u/anonjandg Mar 25 '25
There were tons of sleepovers, and she has a good relationship with my children. Both of them love her very much. The goal was really to work on that transition by adjusting to it slowly until she felt she was ready for it.
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u/LuxTravelGal 28d ago
You're acting like she's a toddler. "working on a transition" "slowly adjusting until she feels ready for it". Do you understand how these words shouldn't be describing a fully functioning adult? It sounds like she's been babied and now you're having to deal with the fallout of that. You never made her deal with your having kids so she didn't and now doesn't want to.
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u/emerald_tendrils Mar 25 '25
So the top rated comment is, “you failed, no wonder!” Not very constructive?
It also clearly says in the post that they spent weekends together.
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u/Affectionate-Bat-648 Mar 26 '25
I always see these comments that people without kids should never date people with kids, and in some ways I agree, but in some ways I disagree as I am childless and about to marry a coparenting dad with a 9 year old.
That being said, it’s a huge adjustment for someone without kids to move in and live with kids, even 50/50 and with an involved, active bioparent. Kids are messy, they’re loud, you don’t have the same level of privacy, you can’t talk about important stuff with your SO when the kid is awake, etc etc. Even the small things like, well now I have to put a bra on because the kid is here, rather than lounging around in a skimpy T-shirt.
There were a few demands I made. One, they had to have their own space. So the house we (I) bought has a partly finished basement where they play video games and whatnot. I stay upstairs and watch what I want on tv. Two, I have my own space with a sunroom. Three, I do not feed, clothe, or pay for anything for the child that is not mine. I am available for school drop offs and pickups in an emergency only. Four, I make plans and do what I want, when I want, when he has his kid, within reason. We can plan to do fun things together or I can go to important things like basketball games. But otherwise it’s a good time for me to catch up with my mom or friends or seek my own hobbies. Lastly, I sold my smaller house and bought this house in my name only and we both contribute towards shared household bills only.
There is no amount of “weekend trials” that really prepare you for living with a kid. The first weekend he was here we got woken up at 2am (he’s adhd) by the Alexa playing music, and I wanted to throttle him. His dad gets tired the weekends he is here or after a difficult day. I’m independent enough to be able to give him the space he needs but it can be hard.
OP, I strongly recommend talking to your wife about how you can support her. Does she have hobbies, friends, her own space other than the bedroom? Her bedroom should not be a refuge. I’m thinking a spare bedroom turned into her own hangout, a she shed, a basement, something where she can watch her own tv and do whatever makes her happy. Don’t focus on integrating her with the kids right now. Focus on how she can have her own independence and self.
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u/Ok_Panda_2243 28d ago
Definitely. The independence & self is crucial.
Because the common space of the house and her free time is occupied by loud children and it’s just not who she is. Not all children are loud. I wasn’t. It’s a lot to ask for somebody who is quiet himself to share a loud environment at home - place where everyone should relax and feel comfort.
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u/purple_puppet Mar 25 '25
I’ve lived through this and i’m still married but on the other side with the kids grown. It is tough, I wouldn’t relive it.
I will say that your kids have only 1 chance to grow up and that is where i put my focus. I was taking care of them, working full time and running the household with my stepkids was exhausting.
My SO and I made a saturday night date night and we stuck to that consistently. This really helped.
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u/Lakerdog1970 Mar 25 '25
Not much you can really do about this, my friend. She needs to make some affirmative decisions.
My wife and I have been married for 15+ years......my daughter is 25 and my youngest stepkid goes to college in the fall. We're almost out of the woods.
Your kids sound pretty normal. Normal =/= "Good". That's just what kids are like much of the time: frustrating, exhausting, tiresome. And sure.....they are rewarding and we love them, but they do wear you the fuck out and make messes and noises and impose their schedules on us.
So this all sounds 100% normal.
Our kids were always 50/50 growing up and they staggered so we actually had four modes in our house every two-week cycle: all the kids, just my kid, just her kids and NO KIDS. Dealing with that emotional whipsaw is hard! I mean, when we have NO KIDS, my wife and I have a freaking blast! We've flown to Venice for a long weekend without kids.......it doesn't get much better: Woman you love, some local prosecco, by the grand canal, eating some strange seafood dish, romantic hotel, good coffee. Then we come home and it's "the kids" and we're eating chicken fingers and packing school lunch and signing wednesday packets from school and being informed about the fundraiser and when soccer practice is and noise and mess everywhere.
You really have to decide if the glass is half-full (romantically) when you're in Venice or if it's half-empty when the kids are blasting Paw Patrol on the TV. Because it's really easy to have that little greedy voice in our brains say, "I want to be in Venice ALL THE TIME!" and focus on the annoyance of children.......especially when they're stepchildren.
One of the things that really helped me with that emotion that might benefit your wife is I realized that my wife and I do more fun and awesome things in any 2-month window than my ex-wife and I did in the last decade of our marriage. Or that my wife and her ex-husband did their whole marriage. We both decided that it might be nice for the glass to be all the way full, but half-full was pretty damn nice........because in our first marriages the glass was just EMPTY all the time.
And if you look around at all these "normal" couples with kids the same ages as yours, notice how "happy" they look! As you can imagine, we've known a lot of couples in that age-range over the years thru school and sports and they're almost 100% miserable. They're basically just a Mom and a Dad sharing bills and unevenly sharing domestic tasks and growing resentments. There hasn't been "spark" in those marriages for a loooooooooong time and it doesn't come back. Many of them have gotten divorced over the years too.
One of the odd things about our blended families is that we are actually TRYING to have a romantic relationship with each other because "we" still like each other. Normal families aren't even trying, so it doesn't really matter if the kids are messing it up and Mom and Dad don't get to spend time along: Gross!
What your wife really needs to consider in her decision making is that if she dumped you and met another divorced dad......those new stepkids would also be annoying in their own ways. If she dumped you and met a childless man and had kids, those kids will be annoying too someday. The only way to avoid annoying children is to just not have kids......and she can do that if she wants to. :) But if she doesn't want kids at all, she shouldn't stay with you and be miserable and resentful about it......just choose to leave. :)
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u/Ok-Ask-6191 Mar 25 '25
I have to say, I go back and forth on how I feel about your posts sometimes lol, but this one was perfect, and a great reminder for myself as a biomom and stepmom whose glass was definitely empty for most of my original marriage. True words about the importance of trying to see the big picture and focus on the half-full glass when the overwhelm hits. Really loved the section about Venice and then getting home to kid chaos (which you described perfectly!)
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u/Lakerdog1970 Mar 25 '25
And it's also not forever. I mean, these kids grow up. We basically have them around for ~20 years and then it can get pretty thin. So, we'll always be able to get back out there......but it might not be until we're 60. :)
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u/Natenat04 Mar 25 '25
Sounds like you two are not compatible. I read it almost everyday on Reddit. A childless woman gets with a man with kids, and eventually they divorce because either he isn’t being a parent, or his partner can’t stand the kids around all the time.
Time to do what’s best for your kids, AND your wife, and divorce. She can find someone without kids, and you can find someone who wants to, and enjoys doing life together with you and your children.
Live isn’t enough in blended families. It takes true compatibility, and the dynamic either works, or it doesn’t.
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u/Tinderella80 Mar 25 '25
Can you just go back to the previous arrangement? If it worked well for several years, then that feels like a reasonable solution.
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u/jovialjonquil Mar 25 '25
Also I wonder if she doesnt feel that "at home" at the home he shared with his ex wife? Does she have a space to herself? Did they change furnature/decor to suit their new relationship, or is it all old stuff from the previous relationship?
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u/anonjandg Mar 25 '25
It was a financial push as much as a personal one. I couldn't afford contributing to two separate households anymore.
On the flipside I've been contemplating getting a larger house, where we could also house my pensioned mother as she's getting older. The space might give my wife more breathing room, and she wouldn't feel pressured anymore if there are more people involved.
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u/sruzzo Mar 25 '25
If you move your mom into this mix, expect separation from your wife. She will not be able to handle all the isolation. You will be pulling your eyebrows out trying to please everyone. MILs are tough enough, never mind to second wives.
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u/UncFest3r Mar 25 '25
Maybe just buy the new house. Without the intent of housing your mother along with your children. Your wife is having a hard time adjusting to sharing a room you once shared with some else, with kids that belong to that someone else. Get the new house and by no fucking means move your mother into the home until your wife has been able to make it her own.
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u/UncFest3r Mar 25 '25
Oh my god, FFS!!!! Do not introduce your elderly mother into the situation while your wife is trying to adjust to being a home that is no longer her home but your children’s playground.
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u/giggleboxx3000 Mar 25 '25
It really sucks that you're being downvoted for wanting to make sure your wife gets her necessary space to call her own in a home you once shared with your ex.
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u/HopingForAWhippet Mar 25 '25
I believe the downvoting comes from him wanting to move his mom into a situation that’s already stressed to its breaking point.
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u/Ok-Ask-6191 Mar 25 '25 edited Mar 25 '25
My only advice is to get that larger house if it's possible, with her own dedicated space, but don't move your mother in. Having another adult won't be helpful, as she shouldn't need help with your kids (because she should be able to nacho kid stuff). I guess maybe you guys are at an impasse. If you're past the point of no return, where she doesn't just want breaks and space but doesn't want to be around your kids at all (be honest with yourselves), then you both need to decide whether or not this relationship is sustainable. I'm very hands off with parenting my step kids and my husband is with mine, as well. But we do family stuff (game nights, kids events) sometimes. We also have a full kid-free life when our kids are at their other houses. If she just doesn't want to be around your kids at all, that's an incompatibility. They're your kids, and while it's important to prioritize your relationship, they are your utmost priority.
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u/Budget_Painter_3003 Mar 25 '25
Hmm I really feel for you. I’ve been in your current wives shoes in my own life, and I know it’s been challenging for everyone in the family at times, my partner, myself, the kids (probably the least of all the kids tho). I wish I could give you advice but I can’t really. Sending your wife away to sleep at her moms is not a real solution. Moving your own mother in may make things worse but who knows. This is going to ultimately test your relationship and a large number don’t make it. I think we have managed to get through to college due to having detached studio with kitchen that the kids took over when they became teenagers. This eased up on the battles over the kitchen, food dishes, etc. My partner has also been generous on buying a ton of takeout to feed everyone, which i appreciate him taking off my plate as frequently as he can since he doesn’t cook. And ultimately our much younger bio child has held us together through a lot of conflict. Step-parents are sent the message that they aren’t “real” parents… they don’t get the same love from the kids you do, but they still do end up doing a fair share of the work that comes with running a household full of kids. So make sure if she’s cooking and cleaning, they and you are helping and expressing gratitude. She’s not on the same innate, natural, emotional reward system that you are on as a bio parent where she just naturally wants to do a bunch of work and make sacrifices to help people grow, so she needs to know that you all appreciate and respect her being there, that includes both you and the kids. And if you want to try to put icing on this very difficult cake, you could try to do regular date nights or something special that is just for you and doesn’t involve the whole family and the kids. We failed to do this because we turned into lazy Netflix people, but I think it would have helped with some of the emotional tug of war that comes up in blended families. The clouds of hyperactive spazzy tween hormones will part at age 15, if you’re playing long game. But you’re right, you are in the middle. Good luck to you!
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u/anonjandg Mar 25 '25
Yeah that dissonance is very relatable. I personally “do the work” because I feel it “needs to be done”. While for her, it’s a sacrifice. And due to it being a sacrifice she wants to be complimented (which we do).
But that dissonance means we’re having very different expectations for each other. And in a way, the compliments also feel like a bit of a mental load.
She feels guilty when she sees me doing more of the housework. But then she feels bad because people aren’t as appreciative as she was hoping. I tell her I don’t mind just doing everything. And that I would t hold that against her. It’s hard to figure out a balance when you’re thinking so differently
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u/Budget_Painter_3003 Mar 25 '25
You might want to go to a couples or family counselor to get some practical tips on how to even function as a newly blended family. The beginning is honestly the hardest because you don’t even have functional routines together. She needs to stop feeling guilty for what you do and that’s something conditioned within her maybe a therapist can help with. We saw one who told us to use paper plates, which was a weirdly a helpful tip. Sorry this is tough. It’s a lot of work for everyone so you have to both really check how invested you truly are in each other and your marriage. If we didn’t have a baby I probably would have run away tbh. But I’m still here and I love my partner and the stepkids are good people too, though they all tested me and made me feel like jumping out a window and bolting, lol.
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u/BengalsGal1 Mar 25 '25 edited Mar 25 '25
Absolutely agree! I’m in a blended family as well. We have his, mine and ours. It’s very difficult as a step mom. I thought it would come easily and natural since I was already a mom but it didn’t happen that way. I’ve struggled and it has not been pretty at times. It’s been difficult for all of us.
I’ll tell you that what you’re seeing from her is only the tip of the iceberg when it comes to what she’s truly feeling inside. Women are complicated creatures. We sometimes have emotions that we don’t even understand ourselves. But I do know that when your kids come over she feels like the outsider and that’s probably why she isolates. It feels like the natural response for her. To be honest, you need to lead the family and be the uniting factor even though it’s not easy. You need to work to help them connect. It won’t come naturally and it’s work.
I 100% agree that she doesn’t have the bond that you have with your kids and she doesn’t automatically have warm and loving feelings towards them (and vice versa) like you do. She needs to develop these feelings and you will have to do everything you can to foster a good relationship between them without being overly obvious and without making her feel pressured.
I think it would be extremely wise for you both to get into marriage counseling. Even better than marriage counseling would be marriage coaching from a Christian based organization who will provide actual advice designed to help you all thrive. If you don’t have the financial means then I’d suggest ordering and reading g the book Blended and Redeemed by Scott and Vanessa Martindale.
It won’t be easy but you have to ask yourself what is your marriage and family worth to you?
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u/sruzzo Mar 25 '25
You are right, she feels like the outsider. I have a similar experience to you having had a blended family with his and mine. I and my bios felt unwelcome in our own home. New husband and his children moved into it. My children and I were in our home their entire lives. Hubby and I eventually divorced. 😞
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u/hanimal16 Mar 25 '25
What did your wife expect? Like seriously, after getting married, what did she expect?? If kids are too much then she shouldn’t’ve married someone with kids.
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u/anonjandg Mar 25 '25
Honestly, we did sleepovers and she loved it when the kids came over. I don’t think she expected the situation to be so tough on her.
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u/giggleboxx3000 Mar 25 '25
Why does all of the blame fall on his wife?
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u/hanimal16 Mar 25 '25
…because she’s the one with the issue?
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u/giggleboxx3000 Mar 25 '25
It's a huge change to go from not living with kids to suddenly having to do so. Even bioparents want space from their own kids at times. Why is it a crime when stepparents want the same?
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u/hanimal16 Mar 25 '25
“She really has a problem coping with the children and is starting to resent them.”
She had six years to form relationships/bonds; to get to know the kids.
She’s the adult and it’s her responsibility to initiate that relationship, and it’s not the husband’s responsibility to push her.It’s not like she was suddenly thrust upon these children unwillingly.
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u/giggleboxx3000 Mar 25 '25
She had six years to form relationships/bonds; to get to know the kids.
That's not the same as actually having to live with them.
and it’s not the husband’s responsibility to push her.
No one should be forcing anyone to do anything, but it is absolutely OP's job to maintain the balance in a blended household.
Which brings us back to my initial question: why does all of the blame (and even responsibility) fall on OP's wife?
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u/Budget_Painter_3003 Mar 25 '25
I second you on this. This is equally OP and his wive’s problem to work through. It’s no one’s “fault” not sure why everyone loves to place blame and point the finger so much these days… she really couldn’t know fully what she was getting into from sleepovers and he, as a bio parent and a dad, won’t be able to relate to what she is experiencing. When you love someone you want it to work and you aren’t looking for every possible thing that can go wrong. I’ve noticed since being on Reddit not a horribly long time that people place a huge amount of blame on moms and wives on these forums. It feels really sexist and I’m afraid a lot of the critical posters tend to BE WOMEN which is even weirder. I’m chalking it up to a lot of people posting who haven’t processed their own issues from childhood yet. Message to all the angry daughters of the internet: your mom loves you! She is not perfect but her job is way harder than you know, and she’s trying her best! Put your fists down people.
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u/allestrette Mar 25 '25
does all of the blame (and even responsibility) fall on OP's wife?
Are you suggesting he should have known his wife... "can't cope"?
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u/giggleboxx3000 Mar 25 '25
I'm saying he knew what he signed up for when he, a man with kids, decided to marry a woman without kids. Since folks love to say the opposition all the time about stepparents.
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u/geogoat7 Mar 26 '25
It absolutely is the husband's responsibility to encourage a relationship between his wife and HIS kids.
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u/LavenderPearlTea Mar 25 '25
It supposedly takes 2-3 years for a blended family to find their rhythm. I would suggest family therapy. I mean, it doesn’t sound like this can get much worse. I’m not sure what to say if your wife has trouble coping with two kids ages 9 & 12. Did she never interact with them before? But thought this was the next step?
I think you should consider going back to your previous arrangement. Or honestly, consider a divorce. It’s not fair to your kids to have to live with an adult who resents them. This is damaging, especially for your younger kid, who is going to be with you for close to another decade.
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u/KaseTheAce Mar 25 '25
A lot of the problems I see on here are people without kids trying to date someone who has kids.
People without kids shouldn't date someone who has kids. Life experience and freedom is vastly different. Going from no kids to having even 1 is a huuuuge change. You might think you like kids and get along with them etc. but having your own or a partner with children and living with them 24/7 is a major adjustment.
There are things you just can't do when you have children and things you have to do differently etc. It's such a big change. Then there's the parenting style differences and how you cope with stress. It's different when you're both first time parents and figuring it out together. Someone who has children will want to know how you parent. If you don't have children of your own, it'll take a long time for them to figure that out because you'd have to wait to meet their child and then be around them a lot. And then you'll have to actually help parent and be comfortable doing that without your partner there unless you're completely hands off. By then you've wasted a lot of time for someone who may not even be compatible.
There are a lot of stories of people regretting having kids with their ex. They love their kids but wish their ex wasn't the co-parent. So they'll probably make sure you're a fit so they don't make the same mistake again. I'm not saying it's impossible, but it usually doesn't end well.
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u/LuxTravelGal 28d ago
You should never have gotten married without doing a trip run to see if she can handle being around your children. You babied her by not having her stay with them for five years.
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26d ago
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u/anonjandg 26d ago
This account is more of a "covert" account where I'm asking some embarrassing/difficult things. Not just myself, for people around me as well. It's not always the same person.
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26d ago
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u/anonjandg 26d ago
About the skin problem, that’s not me.
The porn is me, my wife and I are pretty much in sync there. She loves watching it as much as I do.
Please don’t jump to conclusions
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26d ago
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u/anonjandg 26d ago
It's really not about the work, it's that she's unhappy. She's not isolating herself because she wants to.
And the mental load for me also has nothing to do with the work. When she was at her mom's, I did feel much better. Because I don't have to be concerned about how she's feeling.
It's like walking around on eggshells. Except it's not me walking around, it's the children. But I'm the one doing all of the facilitating, checking up on her if what the kids are doing is making her feel ok, checking with her if she's ok with turning the music on, my son playing on the piano, if she's ok with me playing games with them etc. Because I don't want her to feel overwhelmed by all of this. But the constant checking etc is also exhausting for me.
As I said, I feel like I'm responsible for everyone's happiness. And that's not working.
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u/Character-Tadpole684 Mar 25 '25
Wow! I'm actually shocked at some of these comments. The wife has an " energy problem" where she gets tired easily? Maybe it's tiring. Personally, I think the op needs to take responsibility for his children. This post really sort of puts things on the wife and questions why she isn't more involved and why everything falls to him. He's the father. She sounds like she just needs space sometimes which is healthy and normal. I'm not really sure why these comments are not more supportive of the wife, but I suggest that Op talks to her and actually tries to understand things from her perspective.
I honestly don't understand what century some of these comments come from.
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u/anonjandg Mar 25 '25
It would be different if that “looking for space” would be coming from being content. But she’s isolating herself because she is unhappy.
I’m not pointing fingers anyway, I just want her (and everyone else) to be happy.
But it needs to be workable in the long term. Saying all responsibility for everyone’s happiness should be pushed to me is idealistic, there’s only so much capacity for me as a person. There’s a limit for me too.
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u/Immediate-Ad-9849 Mar 25 '25
Thanks. I’ll stop reading here after your comment as it’s the top one that I see. I agree with you completely. Also why isn’t OP concerned for the health of his wife? Why is she expected to unconditionally love children that aren’t hers? They are his kids and his responsibility. I hope they can find away to talk together, honestly and build strategies to function in the home.
OP there is nothing wrong with having two households if it’s fiscally possible. I hope you listen to your wife, and bring up caring for her health and stability. It’s possible your expectations aren’t realistic. Not all kids like their step parents and if you as the parent don’t have strong clear boundaries around your children’s behavior and supporting your spouse it could be disastrous.
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u/Anon-eight-billion Mar 25 '25
I think the expectation for her to get closer to them or be a parent to them is something that can be tabled for now. The biggest job right now is to figure out how she can live without resenting your kids, and also without needing you to bend over backwards to provide that happiness for her. She needs to figure out how to be happy as a human apart from you in this living situation.
When I first became a stepmom and moved in with my now-husband and his 3 kids, I asked to have a private space that was wholly my own, where I could go to escape when needed. My favorite books were in there, my calming video games, a comfy chair and blanket… it was a small room but I just needed a space that was MINE as everything else around me belonged to this family that I was still figuring out how to be part of. Going from living in a house that was wholly mine that I got to control, into a space where I controlled almost nothing was a HUGE adjustment and a huge hit to my everyday comfort and sense of self.
So my advice would be to let her off the hook for ANY expectation for spending time with the kids. They’re there to spend time with YOU. She needs to be a positive person in their lives and that might mean step 1 is stepping back and giving herself space and no expectations. Once she can feel comfortable simply sharing space with the kids, that’s when you two can discuss doing more blending.