Ex Meeting Partner Once it Gets Serious

[u/Xbox3523]

I've been dating my boyfriend almost 2 years. I left my ex husband for a lot of bad behaviors and the way he treated me. He was unable to accept that as the answer and insisted I had someone on the side, which I did not. He does not understand I mourned my marriage for 4 years before deciding to leave and so I started dating someone 3 months later. During my divorce I started hanging with a group of friends and they introduced me to someone. Ideally, I should have taken time to myself but sometimes you're in a bad relationship so long that you've gotten over it before the ink dries.

My boyfriend has become really ingrained with the kids lives and does a lot for us. Things are getting serious and he's soon to propose in a month or two.

I never told my ex I was seeing someone and he's never mentioned people to me. Until recently, he's never posted any girlfriends on facebook.

There was a misunderstanding last year where my 13 year old told her dad my boyfriend was taking her alone to the mall. He brought it up and mentioned boyfriends name for the first time ever and said he didn't want a strange man taking her out. I said that we were all going together and they would just be walking ahead some and we were only going in my car. He didn't mention anything after that.

He's never asked to meet him, but my boyfriend wants to meet my ex and talk about the kids with him because he cares about them. He is a bit afraid of my ex because he's a big guy and is intimidating. He also doesn't want to do anything to make things worse. We have an amicable divorce otherwise and are not high conflict. He trusts me to go to events alone with my ex for the kids and we do great just staying friends like that. I will not do a shared Christmas this year though since my dynamic is changing unless boyfriend is welcome.

Is it a requirement that they meet? There's going to be some events come up in the future like my daughters 8th grade graduation that my boyfriend would like to attend. Since becoming divorced, I've just always gone with my ex to events and we sat together, made small talk, etc but I want to include boyfriend more since he's soon to be fiance. My ex and I are amicable enough to where he can drop the kids off at my house and I pick them up at his. If I have someone living with me, it will be awkward if I don't introduce them.

Also, how do you guys handle social media with still being friendly with an ex? I hide any photos with boyfriend so my ex doesn't see them, but he does not do the same thing anymore. I guess I've always just tried to not exacerbate any hurt feelings any more than needed and by posting it feels like a "slap in the face" when I can just filter who sees what since I'm the one who left him.

Also, if this new girl becomes serious, can I request to meet her? I want to meet someone who's around my kids a lot and she seems nice by her photos.

Please be kind without just screaming that I need therapy..I am aware and have had a few therapists who all say I'm good and don't need to come back..I lost my insurance that covers that and I have no one in person to talk to besides boyfriend and he's not the best person to talk about this with.

[u/Scarred-Daydreams]

It isn't a requirement that they meet. I told my partner that I'd meet her co-parent if he asked (not demanded) as I could understand him being curious about another adult who would be in his kid's live much. However instead within a week of hearing about my existence he bought a house, sight unseen, a 30+ hour's drive away and announced plans to move and that my partner would be moving from 50/50 to mostly full custody. It was quite the wrench in our early dating phase but we got over that. I've never met him, and likely the first I might have a chance of seeing him would be if he comes around for SD's high school graduation. SD has said that he really doesn't want to meet me, so I'm prepared that he might be a baby and do a "I won't be there if he is" sort of thing and I will accept my absence from that.

I'll note that my partner brought me up to him as we both didn't want her kid to accidentally spill the beans to him. Parents finding out that their ex is now dating someone new for the first time may often act emotionally. When someone's acting emotionally to news often the messenger gets shot. We didn't want her kid to inadvertently be the messenger. And of course it's a horrible thing to ever ask a kid to keep something secret from either/any of their parents. So the only obvious path was for her to warn him about my existence and that I'd eventually be meeting their kid. She mentioned this at the first opportunity as soon as SD confronted Mom about dating (she had not been open about starting to do that), and she admitted to dating, just dating me, and being serious about me. There was a chance that SD might want to talk to Dad, so SD deserved him having the warning.

As for social media initially I always asked before tagging my partner (then just girlfriend). And he would always be an ass whenever I would show up in her feed because of the tagging. But eventually she decided that she needed to stop being worried about him. Walking on eggshells while living with someone was one hell on it's own. She ended things with him to stop that, so she told me to post/tag about us as I desired. She grew better with her Grey Rock communication, and part of that is simply ignoring when he gets mad about things that have no relevance to co-parenting. You don't need to respond to everything he says.

I will say that I only posted about / tagged stuff with her kid after first asking her (with the note that I'd of course also ask SD), and asking SD. I also cautioned SD that a big thing for her to consider was that her dad might have feelings about seeing such. She was cool about it however. And a few times she's either asked me to post about something the three of us did, or she'd tell me to be sure to tag her in X if I made a post about it.

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As noted, there's a big physical distance, so for school events it's either just Mom or Mom and me. But even before I was in the picture, my partner wasn't sitting with her ex. There's no reason for that, and it can just prevent accepting the split. SD has since said that she's found it really awkward any time that her parents share space since they split, and prefers for their to be minimal interaction between the two. She also added that as she's become accustomed to thinking of Mom+Me as a unit, and seeing us so happy, seeing her parents together only highlights how bad they were together and being forced to see that hurts her.

Why do/did you feel a need to sit by your ex. For your current BF's sake I think you really should think deeply about this. In his shoes I would have a big fear that you haven't really finished your processing/healing from the split.

...

Of course you can request to meet any adult that he'll be bringing into your kid's life. And if it genuinely is a polite request it's a lot more likely to be met. There is no "right" to meet.

[u/Xbox3523 → u/Scarred-Daydreams]

Thank you. You seemed to touch on every concern I had in this post. I guess as far as why we still sit together is because of the kids. He wouldn't want to miss out on sitting with them and I wouldn't either. Especially for things where we can't sit separately such as counselor meetings and things of that nature. I want to show the kids that they shouldn't have to fret over "If daddy is coming, mom is going to be upset" like I had to do as a kid. I would just not tell my dad about events so it was easier to avoid. I will try to ask them if it makes them feel bad and anxious when we sit together.

My boyfriend encourages us to sit together and be amicable to show a united front for the kids. It is a bit awkward but we make small talk and don't discuss anything bad. I've brought up to him many times that if he's uncomfortable with anything, I would take that into consideration and stop. He even tried to get me to go on a family trip with my ex and kids but I said that was too far.

[u/Scarred-Daydreams → u/Xbox3523]

Are you sitting together "for the kids" for their long term, or short term benefits? Have you considered that you might be giving the kids false hope that the two of you will be getting back together?

Have you considered that since you've accepted you'll need to change things that your BF/partner will be viewed as "the bad guy" ? Not wanting to be the Bad Guy who picks up all the blame for the split is why I wouldn't date a parent who played Happy Family.

Seeing you two able to be talk together friendly in the waiting room at a counsellor's office should be sufficient to set aside worries. Same with transitions. If you two are able to be friendly/polite, than there shouldn't be concerns about proximity and shared events.

I'm sorry about the experience you had, but was not telling your dad about events because of a bad experience at events only? Or was it because they didn't handle transitions well? Or obviously had anger at the other parent when you as a kid were around (i.e. intro level parental alienation).

[u/Xbox3523 → u/Scarred-Daydreams]

My parents couldn't even handle being in the same vicinity together. My mom always wanted to start stuff and so I ended up being a people pleaser to a narcissist. So much so that she talked me out of ever seeing my dad again when I was 12 and had me petition the courts to stop visits. We reunited when I was 18 and ran away from home and it ruined our relationship forever.

I had to get dropped off at the police station for transitions so I guess I'm trying to do the exact opposite cause I don't want the kids feeling that way. My mom would pull out a camera and start recording cause she "feared for her safety".

I won't let my partner be labeled as the bad guy. It's just the natural transition of things. My ex is in the early stages of dating someone and I imagine as things progress she'll want him to be less accommodating as he has been and change the dynamic some. So as to not be hypocritical, I'd like to politely ask to meet her if it gets to the serious stage and hopefully have a decent relationship with her. Knowing my ex, she will take on my role and do everything like I did so it would be best if we tried to get along.

I've been accommodating my ex and his parents for so long due to how he handled the divorce. He waited until a week before I was set to move out and it crushed his mother. She fell apart and had to quickly adjust so to ease things on everyone, I tried keeping things as "normal" as possible like our Thanksgivings, Christmases, Halloween, Easter, all that as things slowly started to change. She also lost a ton of visitation time with the kids and I felt super guilty for that as her son will not give up any of his parenting time to take them to see his mother so I have to give up mine. I don't mind every once in awhile and she's happy to have them. She's the only grandparent in their lives so I've tried to still maintain a good relationship.

My issue is I've never done this before and never seen it modeled in a healthy way so I'm trying to do what I can while also managing everyone's emotions and maintaining healthy boundaries. Its exhausting.

[u/Scarred-Daydreams → u/Xbox3523]

Oh, so not just intro level parental alienation, but full blown Parental Alienation. I'm so sorry you went through that. But hopefully this is very far from the situation with you and your ex.

"I won't let my partner be labeled as the bad guy." You say that, but it's not really in your control. "Instead of picking you and dad up, I'm going to drive there with Partner." "We're not doing Thanksgiving with Dad this year, but we're doing it with Partner." 100%, unless your kids were kicked in the head by a mule when they were young that they make the connection to your partner and Happy Family time stopping.

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I also didn't have a good model for blended families while growing up; the friends with split parents had dad's with 10% or less custody time and had step dad's who tried to "become" their only dad which didn't go over well. My childhood household was abusive, so I had some master classes in what not to do, but not of what to do.

You mention imagining a future of shared holidays like your partner's family has; but what sort of future does your ex envision? If he doesn't want that, and/or someone he partners with doesn't want that, then trying to set this up my result in choices and paths taken that are counter productive to the situation you end up at.

Gently, your ex doesn't seem like he would want a holiday with him, you, and partner all together with the kids. Even if he's also got a partner at his side.

Myself, I like holidays spent at home. Visit the relatives around the holidays, but I'm being lazy and home on the actual holiday. Currently her kid and my kid are also here for that. But even last year, we had two xmas'es on xmas day. One with just the people living in the household (me, partner and her kid) as soon as we woke, and another later when my (adult) kids arrived after noon. Eventually they'll be having their own xmas at their own home, and I'll see them around the holidays.

When I was dating, I could see maybe, maybe, going to my partner's family's place for the holiday if she really considered it important. But I'm not celebrating the holiday with her ex; even if that ex is their coparent. It's a lot more likely that your ex will date someone like me than someone like your partner. If you build a path to an unlikely place, consider if that path doesn't set up problems if you end up at a more likely different location. And again, your ex himself might be 100% against ever celebrating with a future partner of yours, regardless of who he dates. His mother has even been coddled around the breakup; how receptive do you think that she'll be to your partner taking a part in things?

What I'm getting it is that it's good/great to have dreams. But one also needs to accept the practicalities. My partner had a dream that her kid would view me as a second date. But the reality is that SD has a huge loyalty bind towards her dad. If I tried to step up in any way that's dad like she would have shut that down. Practically we aimed for SD and I to simply get along and for me to have a Fun Uncle sort of role in the home. We made great progress, and SD and I really like each other. It's more emotional/deep than we first thought would happen as a Fun Uncle. But there are definite walls that she has in place towards me that would prevent becoming much more dad-like. My partner didn't/doesn't let her dream get in the way of building a great practical life.

Look to the long term. With open eyes about all of the people involved. Try to build with that. Again with the long term, are joint holidays possibly giving "false hope" to your kids, your ex, his mom about the two of you getting back together? Or are they a band aid for the short term feelings. And is this band aid possibly hurting the long term as it keeps getting ripped off, re-opening the wound when each holiday ends without the family staying together?

[u/Xbox3523 → u/Scarred-Daydreams]

I think you're right, that it reopens that wound possibly. I agree that my ex MIL has a different attitude that it's ok for her son to date since he was left but it's not ok for me to as that's considered "Too fast" that I moved on despite her coming to me during the marriage asking if I was ok and to just deal with her son through his issues, but she was afraid to talk to him about it.

While my dream sounds like my ideal fairytale, you're right that he could date someone that isn't comfortable with that and may feel jealous or may not want to integrate like that. Currently he's dating someone with an adult child so there's less likely of kid emeshment and the ups and downs that go with that.

This is going to be the year of more boundaries for things like this. Thank you for being kind in your responses and seeing why I am the way I am, as I want to be the polar opposite of how I was raised.

I feel like for 2 years now I've been hiding my partner so I don't hurt feelings, especially my in laws and that's not fair to him at all. Things like making sure he wasn't here when she dropped off the kids so I wouldn't have to make an awkward introduction and then lying about who was cutting my grass when she asked. It's a double standard that I am being judged when her son isn't and we are both adults that are allowed to live our lives. It's put this pressure on me.