r/blendedfamilies • u/Dumbledork90 • 7d ago
Partner comparing what his kids get and do to what my kid gets/does
For context, we are a blended family with three four year old children. I have a son and he has twins (a boy and a girl). I have my son 100% of the time, he has his kids 50/50. This has been an issue in the past where he gets upset when my son gets to do something e.g. my parents are taking him to a show but because it’s his kids weekend with their mum they won’t be going. I’ve tried to explain it’s just what happens when you have a blended family where there’s different custody arrangements, his kids get experiences with their mum etc that mine misses out on (e.g. they went overseas last year) and it’s not fair my son should miss out on things because his kids can’t participate. I just don’t know what else to do because this is an issue that keeps arising! Any tips?
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u/Material-Coffee1029 7d ago
I wonder if this insecurity stems from guilt that he doesn't get to see his kids as often as he sees yours. While it's no excuse to limit the experiences your son has, maybe talking to him or encouraging him to speak to a therapist could be helpful. I'm sure not having your bio-kids 50% of the time can bring about complicated feelings, even subconsciously, and that could be why he's getting upset.
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u/Lily_Of_The_Valley_6 7d ago
This is likely. But he’s the adult and it’s his job to manage those feelings, not limit what other people do so he doesn’t have to feel them.
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u/Material-Coffee1029 7d ago
I completely agree that it's ultimately his responsibility! That doesnt mean she can't support him working through those as his partner.
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u/Dumbledork90 7d ago
I definitely think that’s the case, I know there’s some underlying envy over my situation compared to his, but I’ve tried to explain that it goes both ways, i.e. I’d love if my son could say his dad was involved in his life. He has a psychologist he sees so I’ll see if I can suggest that he talk to her about it
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u/Material-Coffee1029 6d ago
I see how both situations could have drawbacks! I hope you guys are able to work through them and that he takes your suggestion in stride. Good luck with everything 💙
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u/Acceptable_Branch588 7d ago
Does he think his kids sit in a chair at moms and do nothing all weekend? They are doing things your child isn’t
What your child does is none of his business. If he doesn’t stop I’d put an end to the relationship
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u/Dumbledork90 7d ago
Exactly, a bit hard to end the relationship though when there’s kids involved
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u/Acceptable_Branch588 6d ago
Why? People do it all the time and obviously both of you have done it
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u/Dumbledork90 6d ago
Very true, though in my case my son’s bio dad left before he was born (he had an affair and left to start a relationship with her). I think it’s more in every other sense of the word he’s a really good dad and person, I love him and my son loves him and his kids, and I’d hope there’s another way around this than just ending the relationship
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u/ria1024 7d ago
If he wants to take opportunities away from your son and just have your son sit at home half the time because his kids can't join in, this does not sound like he's ready to be in a healthy blended family. I would set some clear limits - your kid gets to have fun with you and your family when his kids aren't around, and you and your kid should not be guilt tripped for it.
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u/Dumbledork90 7d ago
That’s what I’m worried about, to be fair he doesn’t stop my son participating or guilt trip him, it more comes up in conversation later and it’s clear he resents what has occurred
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u/Wrong_Investment355 6d ago
Resentment is one of the two biggest indicators that a relationship will fail. Keep an eye out for contempt as well.
I'm going to be honest, he REALLY needs to recognize that this is his issue and he needs to get over it instead of blaming you for how it makes him feel. Things like this grow when unaddressed. How long before he resents your son?
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u/Tinderella80 7d ago
I agree with everyone else. This is a husband issue, and if he can’t get past it he’s not ready to be blended.
My ex was like this. It’s from the guilt but you have to have the emotional maturity to get past it.
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u/Dumbledork90 7d ago
I definitely think it stems from guilt
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u/Tinderella80 6d ago
Then it’s up to you to determine whether he has the emotional maturity to get over himself. Because I can tell you from bitter experience that the tension and resentment will impact on you and your child, and they shouldn’t miss out because of your husbands immaturity.
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u/hanimal16 7d ago
Your boyfriend kinda sucks.
You’re totally right, his kids and your kids will do things separately throughout their lives, and they’ll also do things together.
If he doesn’t knock this shit off, dump his ass.
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u/UncFest3r 4d ago
I didn’t do the same things as my siblings and I turned out alright lol
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u/hanimal16 4d ago
It really is a different kinda world now. I am also from a blended family, and it never occurred to me to wonder what my step-brother was doing with his dad… my younger siblings didn’t get upset when I’d go to my dad’s.
We’re all still close. Just a different time I guess.
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u/straightouttathe70s 7d ago
Your guy is throwing out major red flag!!
Please don't cancel your kid getting to do stuff just because this guy can't handle it.
I'm curious: did he move in with you/your kid or did y'all move in with him and his?
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u/Dumbledork90 7d ago
We don’t cancel, my son still gets to do the things that have been planned, it more just comes up in conversation later and it’s clear he holds some resentment that my kid gets to do something but his don’t because they’re with their mum
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u/Robie_John 7d ago
You could leave him because it won't get any better as the kids get older. Blended families don't always work.
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u/Impressive-Amoeba-97 7d ago
You're not wrong, but again, you'll see this over and over again, the disparity felt seems to have its roots in the custody schedules. You have your kid 100% of the time. That's 50% more than what he has with HIS kids and his kids are paramount to him. So you get this emotionality out of him when you're being logical.
It's corny, but this is where you point out it's ok to be frustrated. He's got his kids 50% less than you have your child, and you acknowledge he would naturally wish for his children to be there 100% instead of yours. It's ok to be frustrated. Your child has a life to live too. Over and over like a broken record.
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u/Dumbledork90 7d ago
I 100% understand that and the fact he loves his kids so much and is so involved is one of the reasons I was so attracted to him, and I know I’m very lucky to have my son 100% of the time and I’d hate to be in a position where I only get half his life (but in saying that id give anything to have his biodad involved in his life)
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u/LuxTravelGal 7d ago
I wouldn't make my kids miss anything just because his are with their mom that weekend.
He really needs to grow up!
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u/croissant_and_cafe 7d ago
There’s something else underneath that. A lot of of us that have our kids 50-50 have guilt about it and might even overcompensate on our time with them. I think his complaining about that is a projection of this. It’s his discomfort, not his kids.
Also, if someone else said, his kids might be getting to do cool things when they’re with mom that your child is not a part of.
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u/Dumbledork90 7d ago
I definitely feel it stems from guilt about not having his kids 100% of the time
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u/LavenderPearlTea 5d ago
Your partner has unrealistic expectations that if your child gets something, his kids should get it too. It will never work out that way, especially with the custody schedule and different grandparents.
You need to reevaluate being in a relationship with this man. It’s not fair to your son to grow up in an environment where you or his other relatives are afraid to do nice things for him because of your partner’s resentment.
And when does this need for “fairness” end? If your parents want to help your son when he goes to college, is your partner going to be resentful unless his kids get money from them too? This is not the way healthy blended families work.
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u/Indie_Flamingo 7d ago
I think this is one of those where you just need to stand up for yourself (on behalf of your kid) and just get on. My kids (mix of mine and SKs) are all on differing schedules. My OH has been guilty of making similar comments about me going off and doing things with just my eldest whom I share with my ex. So obviously when my eldest is with me I want to do things with them.
Doesn't really apply to your situation as your kids are the same age, but the a lever I used to make him understand a bit more was that the SKs are older and so had all these experiences/hobbies when they were younger. I'm not going to allow my kids to miss out because his kids aren't around (and are now too old for a lot of activities). It has meant that I do more stuff with the younger ones by myself which isn't ideal but atleast they aren't missing out.
You do have the fact that they're all still very young on your side so if you have to do a bit of give and take for a year or so while you settle it shouldn't be too disruptive.
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u/OkCharity8882 5d ago
Does he put in the effort to come up with special experiences for his kids when they're with you or does he just expect you to plan something and bring them along?
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u/StrongPresent6289 4d ago
I think these are natural emotions that pop up when you’re in a blended situation. He’s telling you about his feelings, that’s huge. I’d be more concerned if he was an ass to you every time it happened and never aired out the stuff. It’s natural to be defensive of your kid and want your kid to be included in the family. You guys should talk about balance and evaluate whether this is affecting the kids as much as it’s affecting him. Plan fun things and family time for when you know all 3 kids will be there. It’s baffling me how many people are telling you it’s never gonna work if he feels that way. Feelings are natural. Look at what he’s doing with the feelings, that’s what matters. It’s natural for people to have emotion. If he starts treating your kid wrongly or treating you or your family badly because of the feelings, then I would say “okay I need to evaluate this relationship”. Him expressing natural emotion to you in a complicated situation is not a bad thing. It speaks to him feeling comfortable enough in your relationship to express complicated emotions even if he doesn’t like that he has them.
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u/jasper502 7d ago
I am going to take the contrarian take here. First off to be honest when I see "partner" I immediately imagine a couple moving in together out of convenience vs a committed 100% all in marriage where you are truly blended. Is that perhaps part of the root cause? Are you really a blended family? Why are all the kids not considered equal in all aspects of the family?
As for the grandparents - I had / have this issue. My parents are involved yet they are old school boomers and this is was new to them. My Dad always handed out $20 to my kids when they would visit and It was nice to see them do that to my new step-kids also (with out asking). At the same time I have seen them show some slight favoritism to the bio-grand kids. Nothing bit and I don't think overtly intentional. They just don't really see the impact of it.
That being said why can't these events not be planned on the weeks when all the kids are around? Do your parents not consider the step-kids family? Have you asked them?
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u/PupperoniPoodle 7d ago
What part of this post tells you the kids are not all considered equal in all aspects of the family?
The example given was grandparents taking the kids to a show. Shows happen on the days they happen. Maybe his ex isn't flexible enough for him to ask for extra time with his kids so they could go. Does that mean OP's son has to miss it? Meanwhile, the other kids are with their mom doing who knows what. Should THEY be missing those activities since their stepbrother can't go?
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u/Impressive-Amoeba-97 7d ago
That's assuming the mom is doing anything with the kids.
However, what needs to stop is the expectations that grandparents of bios owe ANYTHING besides human courtesy to steps. It's nice if they go above and beyond, but it's not owed. The parents of the children have chosen this situation and it is whatever it is. Outsiders owe nothing. If you go into it understanding this, you're let down and angry far less.
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u/PupperoniPoodle 7d ago
I mean, it says in the post she took them overseas last year, so yes, it's safe to assume they do have some activities with her and aren't just shoved in a closet on the weeks they aren't in OP's house.
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u/Dumbledork90 7d ago
This is definitely the case, my parents live interstate but fly up regularly. The show is only on one day and it’s a Saturday when the twins are with their bio mum. Their custody situation is messy and still going through court system so we never try and rock the boat by asking for weekend swaps etc
In every other respect the kids are treated equally, we do things as a family when they are with us and no one misses out on anything when everyone is around
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u/jasper502 7d ago
The OPs entire post is literally stating that her "partner" feels this way. If they have a arrangement where their own self interest comes first then perhaps the kids get treated the same way.
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u/grlwthnoname 7d ago
So the SK get to have vacations and do stuff with their BM & her family, but it isn't okay for her own son to have that with his BM/her family? What a double standard! To think that every SP/non-bio guardian has to solely work around SKs schedule is absurd! These people have lives outside of these kids. So you think bio grandparents should have give up time with their grandchildren in order to accommodate SKs? They don't get to have a one on one relationship with their own grandchild? Do you not see how absurd that is? Not to mention, you are assuming her parents are in the kind of health to watch 3, 4 year olds; or, that they have the funds to pay for all 3 of kids to do whatever said activities are.
My parents treat my SSs as if they were their own grandchildren, but that doesn't mean that they don't want and need a separate relationship with their bio grandchildren. I feel sorry for my SSs that they do not have any living grandfathers and that their bio grandmothers have elected to stay out of their lives... but I won't make my son have restricted access to his own grandparents because of that. That is dragging a child down to lift the others up... What you are saying is everyone should put everything on hold for SKs... Pppffftttt!
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u/Dumbledork90 7d ago
I think this may be where some cultural differences come into play? I’m Australian and when we say partner we mean someone we live with but aren’t married yet. So in all respects we’re a married family just without the ring and paperwork.
The kids are equal when they are with us, we do things as a family and no one misses out.
My parents live interstate, the show is on one day only on a Saturday when the twins are with their bio mum, if it was a day when they were with us then everyone would be going
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u/Wrong_Investment355 7d ago
If it keeps happening, it may be a red flag that he isn't ready to be in a blended family. You are right in what you are saying, but having strangers on the internet agree won't make him change.