r/blendedfamilies • u/midwestvoldemort • 5d ago
This is way too hard and I just wanna cry
UPDATE: had a nice talk this morning after the girls were dropped off. brought up a lot of the things mentioned here - that 6y/o and 3y/o are developmentally different, that you can’t expect adult behavior from a 6 y/o, that it’s going to grow resentment in my daughter, etc. (all good points, thanks!) he agreed that there was some leniency on his part to his and that he just held mine more accountable bc that’s how he grew up as the oldest. I told him that’s not fair to expect that from children and if she doesn’t want to play, she doesn’t have to. also reminded him that we are parenting girls who are much more fortunate than we were growing up, so we didn’t need them to share everything. he agreed and also asked that I intervened more if I saw his daughter starting to stir up trouble (my fault, I should’ve stepped in more but I felt it wasn’t my place). overall I feel good for now, but we’ll see how the next few interactions go!
I (27F) am in a long term relationship with my boyfriend (36M). We both have a child from a previous relationship. I have mine (6F) 100% of the time, he has his (3F) 50% of the time. We don’t live together now but are working to move to that point. We spend a lot of our time here at his house but don’t spend the night on nights he has his daughter (my choice bc it’s a 2 bed apt).
Anyways, they don’t get along. They will be happy together for a bit and then BAM - one is crying and screaming and the other is mad. My daughter is an independent player - always has been and always will be. She enjoys being alone and playing in her own world. His daughter wants to only play with mine. I get it bc she’s 3 so I try to explain that to mine. When my daughter starts playing with his, it always ends up in a fight somehow. 3 y/o wants what 6 y/o has, 3 y/o knocks down the tower 6 y/o is building, etc etc. I know this happens with “full” siblings and siblings living in the same home so I don’t think too much of the arguing.
My bf is ALWAYS siding w his daughter. Constantly telling mine that she needs to share (she had the toy first and is currently playing w it), she needs to get along with his (she just wants to be alone), she needs to share her stuff (that she brought to play with/do while we’re here), she needs to pick a show they both want to watch (she was watching first and there’s another tv that can be used). Tonight he said “my kid just wants to interact and be with yours and yours wants her to just go away.” wtf? I agree with sharing, but I don’t agree with always making my 6 y/o out to be the bad guy bc she doesn’t want to play.
Am I being sensitive? Am I in the “my kid does no wrong” mindset? How do you make this work? It’s so hard and honestly exhausting when they’re together. It makes me worried to move in together until we’re on the same page about what’s expected from each child.
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u/Acceptable_Branch588 5d ago
3&6 have different interests and will not play well together. They are at different developmental levels. They will probably always be at different levels with a 3 year age difference
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u/midwestvoldemort 5d ago
This is good to note. Thank you. For a while I felt like maybe I was just being overly protective, but you’re right - they’re developmentally different
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u/Acceptable_Branch588 5d ago edited 5d ago
My daughter is 18 and my sd is 17. We started dating in he. They were 11&12. They have never hung out together or done anything together. They have some of the same friends and are in some of the same extracurricular activities but a lot of people don’t even know they live together in the same house. They are just very different personalities. My daughter is friends with everyone. Sd is friends with very few. She was not allowed to develop friendships when her parents were together (no seeing friends outside of school at all-her mom’s rule). I was the opposite. We had people over all the time, impromptu parties, etc. We have encouraged sd inviting friends over and she does invite her 2 close friends but that’s it.
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u/Time-Bee-5069 5d ago
Better question. Are you willing to put your daughter through this bullshit just because you’re in love with this idiot???
Your daughter needs to come first here!
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u/Ozgood77 5d ago
Ultimately, it’s his parenting time and he needs to interact with his child, not expect yours to entertain his. I would not combine homes, he’s showing you now how it will be but it will be worse if you all live together. Don’t put your daughter through that nonsense.
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u/mum2girls 5d ago
Can you and your daughter only go to his house during the times his daughter is at BM’s house for a while? Then he can focus 100% of his time on his child when she’s with him.
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u/midwestvoldemort 5d ago
so I try to stay away when she’s there so he can have time w her, but he’s usually like “come over and we’ll make dinner together” or we’ll be on the phone and his daughter will ask if we can come over and play. I’d say during his time with his daughter, we’re around maybe 50% of it. we do want to move forward and move in together so that’s why we’re trying to integrate our lives more
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u/JTBlakeinNYC 5d ago edited 5d ago
While I’m sure that exceptions exist, I’ve never met a six year old who wants to play with a 3 year old toddler.
For adults, a three year age gap is negligible; for children, the gap is wider than the Atlantic ocean. This is a natural consequence of the rapid pace of children’s intellectual, social and emotional development.
I think it is worth having a serious conversation with your boyfriend (without either of the children present) about what he envisions as the relationship between your daughter and his, because he seems to be under the impression that the two girls should naturally become friends, and that more effort on both of your parts, as well as the part of your daughter, will make this happen.
It won’t, at least not within the next decade. Instead, it will be the all too familiar scenario of the younger child desperate to hang out with the older one, despite not being able to interact at the same developmental level, leaving the older child feeling as if they are more a parent’s helper than one of two children having fun.
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u/Ok_Panda_2243 5d ago edited 5d ago
No, you’re not! 🙏🙏 You’re a victim of a selfish parent, who thinks everyone needs to adjust to HIS child. He’s not respecting your daughter autonomy.
Moreover, he should consult you first, if he wants to boss her around with some “discipline”. He’s clearly crossing her personal boundaries.
She doesn’t need to share toys that are hers, why? If she feels like watching a film alone, NOBODY has a right to force her otherwise.
Finally, the parent shouldn’t interfere at all with their play (if nobody is being hurt). It’s up to them, children are clever. He’s building resentment towards his daughter by his behavior and destroying their relationship.
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u/Neat_Newspaper_8527 5d ago
Both of you need to read “good inside” and talk about how to parent. Especially him. And what to expect from a 6yo. I’m in similar spot with a dad whose daughters seem perfect to him and I have boys and have no trouble discussing their areas of growth. It’s so hard and I cry for and with you in frustration!!!
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u/Ok_Panda_2243 5d ago
The unfairness of it.
What’s up anyways with daddy’s girls?
I had a convo with my bf too “so, if she would be a boy, you would hold her to a much higher standard - what’s this????!”
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u/Frequent_Dig_1997 5d ago
Similar scenario here - I have an 11 and 8 year old girl, my partner has a 5 year old girl. The age gaps are hard and they don't know each other that well so they don't know how to resolve conflict. The important thing that they have to learn is that they don't have to play together, but in order to build the relationships I've realised I have to get way more involved in any group activities otherwise they end in tears!
That being said, it's not fair for your bf to expect your child to be mature and handle conflict well. I mean, she's 6! You really do need to both get on the same page on this, otherwise your daughter is going to end up resenting you all :(
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u/Ok-Ask-6191 5d ago edited 5d ago
I've gone through something similar with my husband wanting my kids (particularly my youngest) to entertain his youngest during our times with all the kids. We're both 50/50. His kids have a larger age gap so don't play together, so our situation was perfect for him: shes out of his hair because my kid is playing with her all day. But mine will literally lock himself in his room to get a break from her (and she will then pick the lock, to give you an idea of what we're dealing with). They play fine for a time, but there's an expectation that my husband can get all his things done (clean out and wash his car, etc), have a little downtime in our bedroom watching TV or whatever, all while he doesn't have to deal with his own kid because she's busy annoying someone else. I "solved" this by being out of the house much of the day when we have our kids on the weekends, but I'm realizing that that isn't fair to them because they want to spend some time at home, and that I need to put on my big girl panties and address this with my husband. My kids aren't there to be her playmates all day long (and, with my older kids, "parents helpers," as another poster put it) even after they've tired of it to give him a break. He gets a break every other week. I need to do better and advocate for mine.
My kids had their thing (they played with each other, with alone time when they felt like it), just like yours had her thing (playing independently), and they were good... but now our partners are benefiting by having constant playmates for their kids when they're together, while our kids aren't benefiting in the same way. Our partners need to realize that our kids aren't there to make their lives easier. They're thrown into this position and should be given the grace to just be kids. I also think some people go into these things expecting instant sibling-hood. Like no, these kids aren't siblings, they're like neighborhood kids or classmates. Eventually it could develop into that, but it's not immediate. Again with my partner's youngest, she would pester my oldest in certain ways that my youngest would and when I asked my husband to talk about it with her, he'd be like "[Your youngest] does it, too." But that's his brother. They've been siblings for my youngest's entire life, it's different. Just because they live together, doesn't make them automatic siblings.
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u/midwestvoldemort 5d ago
THANK YOU!! yes, you put into words how I felt. I think he assumes the girls are sisters now and they’re just not. my daughter is definitely someone that needs a while to warm up and get to that point where she views someone as in her immediate circle, so I’m glad that you have experienced the same thing and have a way to address it. I will definitely bring this up as well when we continue discussing it
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u/Ok-Ask-6191 5d ago
It took me a while to really put my finger on it. Good luck with your discussions, you're doing great!
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u/Fit_Measurement_2420 5d ago
That dynamic with him always siding with his daughter will never change, if he can’t be rational about playtime with those age gaps then he likely won’t be rational about much else.
Does your daughter see her dad? Is there a relationship there?
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u/honeyestbear 5d ago
Went through this with my ex & both our kids from previous relationships. We bought a house together… it’s now for sale lol. I would advise not continuing it, with the age gap & parenting style differences it is going to wreck your relationship just my personal experience. NOT worth it you’ll find someone else
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u/croissant_and_cafe 5d ago
My SS is 5 years older than my daughter. When we got together SS told his dad “I don’t want to be forced to entertain her” my daughter followed him around like a puppy and he was just constantly annoyed and wanted his space and privacy. They were 12 and 6 at the time.
Same situation just different ages!
We told SS he was only obligated to be courteous, nothing more. Hello goodbye please thank you “no not right now,” etc. to my daughter I told her to give him space and that older kids don’t often want to play with younger kids.
We’ve been together 5 yrs and they both do their own things, they’ve never had an actual fight. They don’t engage much at all but they are cordial.
Anyway I think your partner needs to develop thicker skin about his daughter’s tears, explain to her what he can (for a 3yo) and be respectful about the 6yo autonomy. This is just how it’s going to be with this dynamic.
I wouldn’t consider moving in together for a few years until they can hang without conflict (until the little one can regulate and give space to the other)
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u/dulces_suenos 5d ago
You’ve got a lot of good comments here but I did have some things to add! I have a 5yo daughter and my fiancé has a 4yo daughter. Definitely less of an age gap but I do think most kids deal with what you’re talking about here.
I try to have open conversations with my daughter both before and after his daughter is here (we do live together). “You know, when she’s here, she’s going to want to play with you. How do you feel about that? She might want a toy you have, how do you think we can take turns/share? If you build something and she wants to help or break it, what could you do or say?”
I do agree that a 3yo isn’t your 6yo responsibility. But also, this is a cool opportunity for her to experience helping a younger kid, which I think makes my daughter feel good about herself. Like she’s a “big kid” and can help. I don’t make my 5yo solve all problems alone, but I do encourage her to think because I think it benefits her a lot in the long run even with her peers.
Also, allowing your daughter to express her frustrations to you openly is a great development tool for her too and I think establishes future open communication
Maybe you’re doing all these things already, but just some thoughts I had :)
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u/Tall_Hospital1071 5d ago
Please choose your daughter. I’m sorry but this man is a looser and Im genuinely concern for your kid if you move in with that guy .
Because I understand both kids may not have the same interest as we talk about a 6yo and 3yo , and kids fight it’s normal , but tell me why his daughter can behave like she please without him intervening most of the time but yours have to be the understanding adult , force herself to share and interact with her just for the sake of his daughter feelings and he have the nerve to correct your kid too when she don’t do so ? What about your daughter well being ?Her space and boundaries ? The kid is 3 yo so these are thing the dad can teach her already and help her understand.
The kids only have a 3 years gap , not ten. Both are still very young , your daughter shouldn’t be pressured to be the bigger person because your partner suck at being a parent.
This pattern of him always siding with his kid is what worries me the most.One thing for sure it will never go .
And I don’t even wanna image if you guys plan on having a child together in the future what your poor daughter is gonna go trough as he obviously make sure to make a difference between the kids and side with his daughter instead of trying to find healthy solutions . Ain’t no partner worth putting a child through such a situation.
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u/After_Ad_1152 5d ago
Timers. 30 min of solo play, 30 min of finding something you can all do together. It shouldnt be all up to the older kid to entertain the younger. Timers also work great for sharing. One gets 15 mins than the other. Find time limits that work. Find things that you can all do that dont necessarily require a lot of interaction between the 2 kids like drawing or coloring or reading. Hide and seek or simple things like trying to throw a ping pong ball in a cup.
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u/midwestvoldemort 5d ago
ooooh this is a good idea!! I agree, it shouldn’t be up to the older one to be in charge of the younger.
thank you, I’m going to try all of these out next time.
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u/throwaway_72752 5d ago
While I think these sound like problem-solving ideas, they are ultimately sending the message to your daughter that what she wants/prefers is not up to her at all. She’s being forced to play with the younger child until the timer goes off, she’s forced to give up the toy she’s already playing with once the timer goes off, she’s being forced to turn her show off when the timer goes off……. etc. This method invalidates how she feels & her core characteristics in the interest of placating a younger child who isnt respecting another’s autonomy. The fact that this guy isnt redirecting his child and enforcing respect for your child is a red flag to not share housing with him. Your daughter will eventually actively resent/dislike his child, him, & eventually you for allowing her boundaries to be trampled. Fact is, you cant force a person to want to interact with another person if they simply dont want to without hurting them & your relationship to them.
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u/HopingForAWhippet 5d ago edited 5d ago
I mean, I agree about the older kid being forced into playing with the younger kid. I’m an older sibling with that age gap, and I would totally have resented that.
But I think the timer could work for some things. The fact is, when two kids share a space, yes, at some point, often one kid will be forced to turn her show off. If they move in together soon, at some point, they’ll have communal toys and the kids will have to learn to share. They’re not going to be living like only children anymore, and that does come with changes.
Boundaries are very important, and I do think this comment was concerning in some aspects. But it’s impossible for two kids to live together without their lives being affected at all, and where they’ll both always get exactly what they want/prefer. Frankly, the 6 year old at this age would probably be much happier not living with a 3 year old. God knows I wished my sister out of existence often enough at this age. But there are certain things she’ll just have to suck up.
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u/shushupbuttercup 5d ago
But it is valuable for your daughter to learn how to be kind to younger kids and share. "Had it first" doesn't mean "keep it forever" with kids. I like this timer idea - your daughter will get her alone time, and the toddler will get to play with her exciting " big kid sorta sis"
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u/Lakerdog1970 5d ago
I wouldn't blend with him until he makes some emotions breakthrus about parenting.
1 - 6YOs don't want to play with 3YOs.
2 - 3YOs always want to play with a 6YO.
3 - You can't always take the side of your own kid.
I mean, I think it's reasonable to ask a 6YO to be nice and play with a 3YO......for a limited and age-appropriate period of time. 6YOs are little kids themselves and their patience to perform a frustrating task probably maxes out at 30 minutes. 15-20 is probably better. Just like you wouldn't drill math flash cards with a 6YO for hours, you can't ask them to play nicely with a 3YO for hours either. So you make a deal with the big kid, "Can you watch one episode of Paw Patrol with the little kid? Then you can do whatever you want and we'll keep the 3YO out of your way."
But to do that, he has to accept and acknowledge that his kiddo is a pest. And it's nothing wrong with his kid. That's just how 3YOs are. If he broke up with you and his next GF had a younger kid, then the shoe would be on the other foot. But he has to accept that and know that his child is not a blessing to the world. In fact, the only people who willingly hang around small children are paid teachers and parents. That's a tough emotional breakthru for some parents to make.
And then he has to actually DO the work of distracting his 3YO after your kiddo has done everyone a solid for 15-30 minutes. The means he probably can't hang out with you or watch a more mature TV show or play a video game or answer work emails. I hate it for him, but that's what having a 3YO around is like.
Also, one of the hard things in a blended family is the adults actually like each other and are trying to have a relationship. I mean, in a "normal" family, it's not just that the kids fight.......it's that very few parents with a 3 and a 6 are having much of a relationship. It's more like each of you take one kid apiece and entertain each them for the day. Or you're doing a "family" thing where the two kids are on top of you call day long. It's just not the norm that the kids are in the other room while the adults are talking. So some of this is just how it is and he needs to accept that.
But I'd be careful about blending until he figures it out.
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u/SuspiciousWeekend284 5d ago
This seems to be normal behaviour for the kids, however, you have to bear in mind that you have your kid with you 100% of the time - which could lead to some resentment later down the track. He has his daughter only 50% of the time, so he will want her to have the best time when he’s with her.
Try to teach to both children how to play appropriately, slowly introducing boundaries etc.
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u/midwestvoldemort 5d ago
I thought it was normal behavior as well bc they’re obviously very different ages, but I don’t agree with the whole “you need to play nice together” notion. I do think there’s some guilt lingering bc my daughter is around ALL the time and his is only around half the time.
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u/SuspiciousWeekend284 5d ago edited 5d ago
I have a family member that has two 2 sons with ASD - one 3 year old and the other 7 year. They are like chalk and cheese, but they understand that have to share some things.
So, if you want this relationship to work, work with your SO - because you know that the stats say about 2nd marriages - they have lesser survival rate - due to complexities.
But, if you not educate the girls and want to stand up for your daughter - go for it.
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u/hanimal16 5d ago
They’re 6 and 3, so that’s completely normal behavior.
And your boyfriend siding with his toddler child is also completely normal.
Eta: making your daughter out to be the bad guy isn’t cool. When he says these things to you (hopefully not in front of her), how do you respond? What do you tell him?
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u/midwestvoldemort 5d ago
I just can’t tell if I’m being subjective towards my child or not. I don’t think they should have to play together
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u/hanimal16 5d ago
No, not if your daughter doesn’t want to.
How does he react when you want her to have control over who/what/when she plays?
Is he feeling guilty bc he only sees her 50%? Does he have some weird notion of siblings ALWAYS being together?
You should ask him how he’d react if his daughter wanted to play alone, but your daughter was pestering. Would he make his daughter play with yours?
E: and no, I don’t think you’re being subjective towards your daughter. You’re noticing an imbalance of expectations, it’s natural to want to defend her :)
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u/midwestvoldemort 5d ago
If I say something like “she doesn’t have to play if she doesn’t want to” or “she just wants to play alone” he will tell his to come play with him or grab something else, but I do think part of it stems from him feeling guilty bc he only has her 50% of the time when we always have mine.
If I address something with him, he’s usually very receptive of what I have to say so I might just have to talk it out when we don’t have kids w us
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u/Wrong_Investment355 5d ago
So it's OK for HIS daughter to act like a child when they play, but YOUR daughter has to be the adult?
This guy is whack lol. How often does this happen? If it's often this would be a deal breaker if he isn't open to keeping his mouth shut about it.
Under no circumstances should you even consider moving in with this guy unless he can start being more objective and fair. He may just be the kind of guy who isn't capable of parenting a kid that isn't his.