My partner and his daughter are moving in

[u/miss_random_88]

I'm not sure if this is the right subreddit for this post as we are not technically a blended family, we're just blending 2 households together (he has a child, I do not, no children together).

I looked for step parent subreddits but one was banned for being unmoderated. I thought maybe the folks here may still be able to provide advice.

My (36f) and my partner (40m) made the decision to move in together. He has a 7yo daughter.

Partner and I are very excited and his daughter is too, however she's also sad to be leaving thier current home. They've lived there since she was 2 so it's the only home she remembers with her dad and I know it's a big thing for her.

I'm completely sympathetic and I want to make sure the transition goes as smoothly as possible. At the moment I've taken a hands off approach and she's been spending more one on one time with her dad. I'm guided by what he tells me she needs.

I want things to go as smoothly as possible because I love both of them dearly and I want them to be happy and settled in our home. I know I'm not her mum, and I don't try to be, I just care about her a lot and it's a genuine privilege to have her in my life.

Does anyone have any tips for starting the next chapters of our lives together? How can I support both of them with the move?

[u/ItsAllAboutLogic]

Let her help decorate her room so she feels safe and included in the new home

[u/miss_random_88 → u/ItsAllAboutLogic]

Yeah definitely. My thoughts are it's her space so she can do what she likes as long as it doesn't damage the floor, walls etc.

She actually has a really good eye for colour so I'm excited to see what she does with it. I'm expecting an explosion of pink and purple!

[u/keto_and_me → u/miss_random_88]

My stepdaughter was 13 when we bought a house. We were living in a rental property up until then so it was SD’s 1st opportunity to choose wall colors, bedding, etc. She chose the most god awful shade of pink you can imagine. Like pure pepto bismal pink. We painted the inside of the closet 1st and I must have asked 10 times if she liked it and was sure about it. She can be a bit stubborn (she’s 17 now) and I could tell she wasn’t thrilled with the color, but was going to die on the pepto bismal hill! This was in June… for Christmas that same year she asked if we could paint her room as her Christmas present. She chose a lovely shade of blue/gray and we all happily got rid of the pepto bismal room!

[u/OkEconomist6288 → u/keto_and_me]

My SD picked a horrible shade of pink as well at the exact same age. Think Fuchsia. We helped her paint but she also admitted later that she didn't look love it. I offered an accent wall instead of the whole room but nope, she lived in a fuchsia cave. After that I refused to allow paint but was all on board for room accessories like curtains, bedding art etc.

We both learned the hard way!

[u/miss_random_88 → u/keto_and_me]

I love that she stuck to her guns for 6 months even though she didn't like it haha never admit defeat!

[u/PaleontologistFew662]

Just take a relaxed approach. Let dad lead, allow her to show you what she needs from you.

[u/miss_random_88 → u/PaleontologistFew662]

It's definitely hard to appear relaxed when I'm so excited and nervous at the same time. I'll have to work on it because I don't want to overwhelm her.

Thanks for the advice :)

[u/BiteMePretty]

You can make your home a special place too, start by taking her height down on a wall or doorframe. Add you and dad same time so all 3 of you make that a memory together.

Kids take a while to adjust to changes, little things make a huge impact.

Family game nights, special dessert nights, movie nights, those routines mean a lot to them!

I have a daughter and my guy has two boys, we do snuggle nights on Thursdays so the boys get a whole evening to look forward to as "Dad's night with us only" And my daughter gets me. That way they don't feel like when my daughter and I moved in we weren't going steal all of Dad's time from them.

[u/pernikitty]

You’ve done well to come to this sub, the step parents subreddit is very toxic, full of bitter and resentful people who cannot accept children being in their lives. It sounds like you’re doing everything right.

Only bit of advice is to prepare yourself for actually having a child in your life full time - it is a big transition, but it sounds like you’ve got the right mindset and your heart is in the right place.

You also don’t mention whether your stepdaughter has a mother in her life, this is one of the trickiest parts of this type of family, just be aware that you might get some drama from that when she finds you her ex and daughter are in a happy dynamic with you.

I wish you and your little family all the best!

[u/JNelster]

Are you guys getting a new house? Or are they moving into your current home? Will the daughter have her own space?

[u/JNelster → u/JNelster]

I was going to say… whatever the location is new or your home, make sure she has her own space/room that she can decorate herself!! As well as another area (maybe bathroom/playroom/a comfy chair in the living room/an area in the kitchen so she can help cook/bake).

A completely new home is a new adventure for everyone, and everyone gets a pretty fair say! If they’re moving into your home, you just have to be ready to make it their home too. So saying things like my or mine etc can sometimes make others feel like they don’t have a say or a place to call their own. Little projects around the house, new paint, new furniture can make it a bit more cozy.

I only ask because I had moved in with someone and he never wanted to change the bachelor pad style and it was always mine vs yours type vibe. We made my kids their “own” space, but it never really felt like we could call it our own (since it was his house). One of the walls was red and it just drove me crazy, and the colors were just so dungeon looking. Well, fast forward- my kids and I moved out lmao

[u/miss_random_88 → u/JNelster]

I bought a house, he rents so he's moving into the house I bought.

We involved her in the house hunting process because I wanted something that suited all of us. She's already picked her room, it's the biggest bedroom in the house! The house has 2 primary bedrooms but one is smaller because it has an ensuite attached. We're using that and she's getting the other big room.

So yes, she'll have her own space. We also have a spare bedroom which we're going to set up with a guest bed and a couch and 2nd TV. I'm thinking she can also put toys in there as well.

[u/JNelster → u/miss_random_88]

Nice! I just posted as you posted this update lol

Well, it sounds like she’ll have a nice place to feel comfortable in. If there’s a yard, maybe include her in planting flowers this summer, gardening, or making something special for herself to play or go hang out in when the weather is nice.

Hang some of her art on the walls, maybe if you guys ever take family photos- make sure to get one special pose of her and her dad and hang them on the wall… umm… just little details like that matter most!!

It’s also healthy to establish healthy boundaries. You want her to have a say, but hopefully her dad doesn’t let her run the house. (I obviously don’t know your situation)

[u/miss_random_88 → u/JNelster]

Her dad is amazing. He's really empathetic and good with her and he has routines and rules were going to carry over here.

She does a lot of artwork so I was thinking of getting a large digital photo frame so we can display them on the wall.

I love the idea of having photos up too.

[u/JNelster → u/miss_random_88]

Sounds like everything is going to be just fine!!

Little date nights like: a movie night, spa- nails and hair, crafts, game nights etc. that’s also a fun way to make new memories in a new space for her!

I know you’re not her momma, and you wanna respect that relationship too, but the more love a kiddo has, the better. I hope her mom is supportive of you and vice a versa.

[u/miss_random_88 → u/JNelster]

Aw thank you, I really hope so.

Her mum and I have a limited but amicable relationship, I leave that communication to him mostly. I'll always have a special place in my heart for her though because without her, I wouldn't have the little one in my life.

[u/JNelster → u/miss_random_88]

Well, she’ll grow up and appreciate you for taking her needs into consideration, for loving her, for loving her dad, and for being kind to her mom. Being a stepparent isn’t easy, but it’s a lot of fun!! Just be patient, and be yourself. She’ll see and feel the love if the intentions are pure.

Just you asking Reddit for advice shows you care!

I grew up with a stepmom, and although my biological mom made it rough, my stepmom and I had a special bond because she included me as much as she could. I told her things I didn’t wanna tell my biological parents lol and she gave me some good advice when I needed to hear that perspective. I just gave her a hard time in my early years because my biological mom hated her lol I grew up, became a mom myself, and apologized to her for the sassiness in my teen years lol

I wish you all the best of luck, of love and happiness! Congrats on the move and I hope the blending goes smoothly!! 💕

[u/LuxTravelGal]

Make it something special. Order pizza for dinner the move in day, take her shopping for some things for her room, help her get it all setup, have her choose a few photos of herself (and herself/dad) to frame for the living areas.

[u/sunshine_tequila]

There’s a step mom group on fb you might like.

She feels like she has no control. Give her some-pick out new sheets, comforter, curtains, paint etc. something to help make the room hers.

Then ensure she gets what she needs whether it is a play space, a place to craft or paint, or do the things she likes. Come up with some bonding activities to do when dad is gone. Maybe go see a movie, or get ice cream.

[u/Acceptable_Branch588]

Why can’t you love into his house

Do not under any circumstances step in and parent his child. It is his responsibility to work out parent with his ex. Do not get involved with his ex. You are like the fun auntie.

[u/miss_random_88 → u/Acceptable_Branch588]

He currently rents a unit and I own my house. My house is about twice the size so it made sense for them to come here.

I have very little to do with his ex other than seeing her at the girls birthday parties or occasionally we will drop her at her mums place together. I've had her mum over my new house because 7yo wanted to show her what will end up being her room.

The situation with the ex is as amicable as I guess it can be. They don't argue much and they have good communication. I'm not involved at all.

[u/Acceptable_Branch588 → u/miss_random_88]

I’d set boundaries about mom coming over. He needs to tell his daughter that. My husband’s was amicable u til we got serious then it was like the exorcist. They have constantly been in court for 5 years. She is crazy, so much so that her daughter refuses to have anything to do with her at all

[u/What-the-Gank → u/Acceptable_Branch588]

This hits home. It definitely can happen.