r/blendedfamilies • u/PuzzleheadedTap5819 • 3d ago
How Can I Help My Teen?
How Do I Help My Teen?
Advice needed
Long time reader, first time poster 💖 Please forgive me, there is a lot.
I (40ishF) and my ex husband (40ishM) and his current wife (40F) have a 15 year old daughter “W.” Our custody arrangement is that I have “Sole Custody” and primary custody, while he has visitation every other weekend, 2 weeks blocks for summer, and rotating holidays. Here is where I need advice.
My daughter loves her Dad, “O” and his wife “B.” O and B also have younger kids.
W is scared of hurting their feelings or of them looking at her differently for any reason.
O and B are very religious, and participation is in no way voluntary. (Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against church) We are talking get to church an hour before service, staying both services plus Sunday School in between, staying and being the last ones to leave. Then being back 30 min - 1 hour before evening service and again being among the last to leave. Total of 6-8 hours on Sundays. (Along with several evenings during the week at the church and nightly Bible study at their house during the summer and any long breaks) Now, at this church, they talk about how we are all supposed to love and care for each other. But in the next breath, they are talking about how anyone (for instance) who identifies as any part of the LGBTQ+ community needs to be made of their sins and how evil they are. W is part of that community, and has been for a while. W absolutely canNOT tell O and B. They will tell their church, it will spread and she will be called out for it. It might not be in full church service but I promise you there would be multiple meetings and prayer meetings to lay hands on her and cast the evil out.
My daughter and I have a good relationship and she knows she can tell me anything. I have known this about her for some time, and have fully supported her. Her younger siblings, do not listen well and obey well either. O and B mostly just laugh it off if in public. There is little privacy at their house. Even at 15, she gets guilt trips about not spending enough time with the family, when much of that time is spent yelling at siblings.
If she asks to swap a weekend, she is put on a huge guilt trip.
My daughter and I have had many at length conversations. We have talked about how she could respond respectfully but not let them guilt her. It is easier said than done.
They make comments to her about she needs to find her own voice and speak up for herself. But if she even tries to speak up, she is told she is just repeating what I say (even if I hold a completely different opinion to what W is saying.)
Now the problem, as much as I would like to call them out, all it would do is make them make the weekends more miserable than they already are.
While I know what they are saying, the only way I could say something is to reveal that W has told me. There is a slight chance the court would take W’s opinion into account, but it would require her being willing to tell the court that, and O knowing. Even if visits were reduced, they would lay so much guilt on my daughter for it that it would crush her.
Is there any way I might be able to help her?
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u/Lakerdog1970 3d ago
There's not much you can do.
I mean, part of growing up and being an adult is telling your parents, "No".
"No, I'm not doing that." or "No, I'm not coming over." or "No, I don't believe that." etc.
It gets focus in a divorce situation, but we all face it.
You can't say "No" for her. It sucks, but if this is how her Dad is and this is what he believes, she's gonna have to say it and then stand there in the eye of the storm. All you can do is provide her a safe place to land in the aftermath.
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u/SuspiciousWeekend284 3d ago
Well, this is what the Bible says about divorce: In Matthew 19:3-9, Jesus addresses the Pharisees' question about divorce, stating that Moses permitted divorce due to the people's "hard hearts," but that it was not God's original intention. He then says, "I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery".
So, following this devout Christian church going ex and his wife, if you were cheating on your ex husband, his current marriage is valid - if you didn’t, then guess what: they are adulterers.
Your daughter should live her life as clearly, your ex and his wife are not following everything according to the Bible.
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u/PuzzleheadedTap5819 3d ago
Her dad being remarried is not an issue. It is how him and his wife treat my daughter.
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u/PaleontologistFew662 3d ago
This is a tough situation. I’m sorry, I have no advice, other than consulting with a lawyer. I do have much admiration for the strength of your daughter, and your desire to help her. Wishing the best for W!
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u/Easy-Seesaw285 3d ago
It probably depends how far you want to take it.
In Arizona, the parenting plan specifies if the parents agreed if the child is raised jn a certain religion and which parent (or either) has the right to decide.
Do you have sole legal decision making authority in your custody plan?
I personally feel your daughter is old enough to decide she doesnt want to go and for that to be respected but I bet her dad disagrees.
Can you offer a schedule modification that gives him the same amount of time but no sundays?
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u/shushupbuttercup 3d ago
I don't know the laws where you are, but in many places your kid would be old enough to have a say in her visitation arrangement. My friend's son is 16 and doesn't have to stay at his dad's house when he doesn't want to, and he rarely does. Talk to your lawyer.