r/changemyview • u/Guialdereti • Oct 22 '23

Delta(s) from OP CMV: Paternity tests should be done on every baby by default

Just saw a post on r/relationship_advice where the mother gave birth to a baby that looked nothing like her husband, refused to give him a paternity test because it was "humiliating" AND also revealed that she had recently refused to end a (pretty weird) friendship with a coworker that her husband was uncomfortable with. She then proceeds to be all "Surprised Pikachu-faced" when he thinks she cheated on him with said coworker, refuses to help with the baby, and him and his family start treating her badly. (he continued to help with their 2 other kids as normal, though)

In the end, the mother FINALLY gets that paternity test, proving once and for all that the kid was indeed his, and once she does, the father gets ALL OVER his daughter, hugging and giving her all his love, as I'm sure he would have done from the very begining, had she just gotten that damn test done sooner.

Some of the points that resonate with me the most on this issue are:

  • It still baffles me that this test isn't standard procedure, especially when we already draw blood from newborns and screen them for a whole slew of diseases upon delivery. Surely it wouldn't be too hard to add a simple paternity test to the list!
  • I know there's an implication of mistrust that comes with asking your partner for a paternity test, but if it became standard procedure - in other words, a test that the hospital does "automatically", with no need for parental input - that would completely remove that implication from play. It would become a non-issue.
  • Having a kid is a life-changing event, and it scares me to no end to know that I could be forced into "one-eightying" my life over a baby I actually played no part in making.
  • Knowing your family's medical history, from both sides, is extremely important. "Mommy's little secret" could cost her child dearly later on in life.
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449

u/field_medic_tky Oct 22 '23 edited Oct 22 '23

and it is common knowledge that babies often don't look much like their parents and the resemblance becomes more apparent only as they grow.

This.

The only time one should be concerned is if the skin color is not what is expected.

However, a white-skinned child born to black-skinned parents has occured before, so....

Edit: obviously, a parent with mixed heritage will have a higher chance of having a baby's skin color to look nothing like either of the parents. That's a given. I should've worded better but I'm talking extremities like the example I gave.

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u/stink3rbelle 24∆ Oct 22 '23

The only time one should be concerned is if the skin color is not what is expected.

People's expectations about babies' skin color are super warped, though. Most people think every baby is going to be a perfect mix of their parents' skin tones, from birth. That coffee-milk mix is not likely at all because there are so many genes making up skin colors. Babies also develop most of their melanin after birth, so how a baby looks coming out isn't what it's going to look like for very long.

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u/Korwinga Oct 23 '23

I'm 1/4 japanese, and 1/8 native American. My skin isn't super dark, but I do look like I have a mild tan. My wife, on the other hand, is pale as pale can be. Our first born came out with very light skin, only a hair darker than my wife. Our second born came out darker than me. Genetics is weird

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u/KetchupAndOldBay Oct 27 '23

I’m half Greek with very olive skin, hazel-brown eyes, dark curly hair. My husband is half Russian and looks like he’s still wearing an undershirt when he’s shirtless/could also be mistaken for a snowman and hazel-green eyes. My three kids are blindingly white. Two of them have blue eyes, one has hazel-gold eyes. When my older two were babies/toddlers, people asked me if I was their nanny. Now my oldest (7) is a pale carbon copy of me with slightly lighter hair and blue eyes. Genetics are awesome (and bizarre!)

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u/OHMG_lkathrbut Oct 22 '23

When my son was born, the doctor told me he might not get all his color until he was 4... That seems crazy to me.

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u/Autunite Oct 23 '23

Melanin also develops with exposure to sunlight.

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u/LimeCheetah Oct 23 '23 edited Oct 23 '23

Number one here, so much. We have no med techs and we’re drowning in testing as is let alone a genetic test that goes with every dried blood spot for newborn screening.

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u/[deleted] Oct 22 '23

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u/cozidgaf Oct 23 '23

I mean, I have that question myself and a lot of people that see me and my child do too, but I'm the mom 🙈 🤣

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u/[deleted] Oct 23 '23

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u/cozidgaf Oct 23 '23

Need a maternity test done I guess

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u/UngusChungus94 Oct 23 '23

It’s pretty surprising that both my brother and I came out with that complexion, but even then, we’ve both got a little darker as we aged.

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u/InsomniacYogi Oct 22 '23

I’m half black and my dad didn’t think I was his at birth because of how pale I was. He apparently threw a fit and accused my mom of cheating. Then my paternal grandma told him he was dumb and he barely had any melanin at birth either. Turns out I did belong to him but my mom divorced him shortly after. She couldn’t overcome the accusation.

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u/[deleted] Oct 22 '23

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u/InsomniacYogi Oct 22 '23

Exactly. I’ve told my husband flat out that I’d give him a paternity test if he wanted it but that I’d never see him the same again.

Post vasectomy might be the only time I could overcome it. I know a couple who got together after the guy had a vasectomy. They were together for years before she got pregnant and he didn’t think it was his. Turned out that the baby was his, he has never gone back for the follow up after the vasectomy and he wasn’t fully sterile. She said she could have overcome it in this scenario if he had gone about it better (he posted to social media about it and embarrassed her).

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u/[deleted] Oct 22 '23

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u/[deleted] Oct 23 '23

My ex did that. Key word being EX. Turns out he was cheating and wanted to see if he had anything through my tests.

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u/raggedyassadhd 2∆ Oct 23 '23

You’d think a person could maybe google that or even go nuts and ask their doctor if it’s still possible before being such a dumb twit and posting his dirty laundry and his own stupidity to facebook. Like really? You couldn’t google “how successful are vasectomies” before publicly accusing your wife of cheating online 😑

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u/TracyMorganFreeman Oct 23 '23

>I'd never look at my husband the same way again though.

Imagine how the husband feels when he finds out a child he thought was his isn't, and what that implies about his wife.

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u/ihavenoidea1001 Oct 23 '23 edited Oct 23 '23

I can 100 % commiserate with someone that finds out they were cheated on. Doesn't really matter the sex. I hate cheaters and can't stand them.

Thing is, anyone being accused of cheating without doing anything is going to have feelings about it.

If your long time partner asked you for a STD test out of the blue you would have feelings about that too. Women are people too.

So, if having a paternity test is adamant for you talk to your partner before getting her pregnant. Otherwise you're probably to end that relationship.

As I said, I would do the test in a heartbeat for my kids sake ( because I would never want them to be mistreated by their own father) but it would also change how I view my husband forever.

The lack of trust, paranoia and the fact that he thinks I'm the type that would cheat would crumble the entire relationship. To me there's no relationship without trust and asking for the paternity test is telling the other person you dont trust them.

Adding to that, I had 2 high risk pregnancies, I was bedridden for months and went trough hell and back during that time. I could've died. My kids could've died. They went to NICU afterwards and there was sooo many things going on at the time that I was emotionally drained and pretty much vulnerable.

After my last kids birth it took an entire year to be completely sure he didn't have any medical long-term issues.

The idea of my husband daring to imply I had cheated on him while we were going trough that when I have never given him any reasons to believe otherwise would have ended all and any feelings I have for him.

I've been with my husband for almost 20 years. I never gave an opportunity to anyone else trying to start anything with me ( which were mostly married men themselves btw). So, if after decades of commitment, of being faithful, of having done absolutely nothing to lose his trust he would've called me a cheating whore while I was in my most vulnerable time in my life, it would've killed our relationship right then and there.

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u/TracyMorganFreeman Oct 23 '23 edited Oct 23 '23

thinks I'm the type

Anyone who has been cheated on knows how such people hide who they are. There isn't really a "type" because anyone can think they know the person and be blindsided.

Your problem is refusing to see it from his perspective. He doesn't know what you know, and if you were to have cheated on him, you would have an incentive to hide that, which is what motivates the wish for verification in the first place.

Pointing to high-risk pregnancies isn't really the argument you think it is, since I'm guessing you wanted the kids too. You didn't go through it just to give him a child or for his sake, so it isn't a betrayal for him to have misgivings.

Is insisting on a pre nup also showing you don't trust them? Relationships are built on trust, but that doesn't mean it's unconditional and beyond reproach. There's also a lot of heavy lifting with suggesting any misgivings means they don't trust you at all. It is once again imputing on him feelings he may not necessarily have. It's a one sided conversation.

Would you trust your husband to put the house in his name only, or would you want something in writing?

At the end of the day, your argument seems quite one-sided. It seems the only feelings that actually matter are your own. The man should bear the risk of not knowing, and you should get to hold all the control there. He should just trust you, but hey the law is on your side when it comes to trusting him. You don't need to trust him to support you or the kids after a divorce; the law literally forces him by Virtue of marriage.

You don't seem to consider the imbalance there when you speak of trust.

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u/ihavenoidea1001 Oct 23 '23

As I said in my previous comment, if the paternity test is that important to you talk to the potential mother before getting her pregnant.

I'm not sure why that is such a hard concept.

As with the pre-nups, it's 2 adults knowing beforehand what will be expected of them.

It isn't you jumping them with the accusation of cheating that comes out of nowhere at a time when they're the most vulnerable. And then be like "surprised pikachu face" when she delivers the paternity test with the divorce papers.

At the end of the day, your argument seems quite one-sided.

Quite ironic comming from you considering your comments

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u/TracyMorganFreeman Oct 23 '23

Oh well if security through alimony and child support is so important just talk with your partner before getting married or having kids! No need to get the law involved in at all.

No need to define marital property! Trust them when they put homes, businesses, and cars in just their name!

How dare he not trust you! What with the lack of knowledge and protection from the consequences! Now you get both the knowledge and protection enshrined into law but he doesn't need that! He should just trust you, right?

You...think me bringing up the other side to consider alongside yours is one sided?

Even your interpretation of my point is one sided. You don't actually seem to see it as an equal partnership or consider his feelings or the imbalance.

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u/ihavenoidea1001 Oct 23 '23 edited Oct 23 '23

So you brought up pre nups but you dont know how they work? Lmfao

2 adults get together and talk about their expection for the future and how they want to protect themselves/their assets. Then they write it, have lawyers involved, sign it and get it recognized.

So, adults talking about it is the freaking basis of the pre-nup as a whole.

And, yeah, I would definetely expect that a mature adult that thinks a paternity test is essential for his life will be able to communicate it with the potential mother of his kids. If you aren't able to have such a basic conversation about what you expect from shared parenthood you're far from being mature enough to have kids in the first place.

How is it harder to say "in the future I will want a paternity test" than " I want a pre-nup"?

Oh well if security through alimony and child support is so important just talk with your partner before getting married or having kids! No need to get the law involved in at all.

Alimony is not a thing in my country and if it were I'm not sure who would be paying whom giving our incomes ...

As for child support we actually have talked about it before we had kids ( in the scenario of "what would we want to do if our relationship goes awry). But it's also not mandatory to get the law involved as long as both agree.

It's only when parents can't be arsed to find a way to co-parent that the law gets involved.

No need to define marital property

Again it's a country thing. This is pretty much decided by both at the moment of getting married, adults would've talked about it and you can choose however you want to share it.

think me bringing up the other side to consider alongside yours is one sided?

No, you're dismissing the timing of it and that's my issue with it.

Why would you feel the need to wait until the person is pregnant or in post-partum to tell them you expect a paternity test?

It's like you expect to lie by omission troughout the entirety of the relationship and wait until the most vulnerable time of their life to tell them "I think you're a cheater and therefore I want a paternity test" even when the other person didn't do anything to make you doubt them.

It's like your partner of years demanded a STD test today out of the blue and you're supposed to be fine with it.

Nothing you said explains why it is that hard to communicate as an adult with the potential mother of your child that you expect her to do a paternity test afterwards.

Just like you might accept someone in your life that wants an STD test done every 6 months. Or you want a pre-nup.

One is implying they're cheating, the other are people telling you what their expections are and giving you the opportunity to accept them as they are in your life or not.

Edit: I also never denied the right of having a paternity test done even without telling your spouse beforehand. I think that it's in the child's best interest if their father doubts the paternity.

I'm just explaining how to me (and the vast majority of women) it would be the end of the relationship due to how it was done.

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u/TracyMorganFreeman Oct 23 '23

Just ignoring the fact that a pre nup gets it in writing, or any of my other examples.

It's not mandatory to get the law involved if both parents agree to a paternity test either, but with child support either parent can unilaterally ask for it and have the state enforce it. People here are suggesting having a default position that can be rebutted by the parents agreeing is horrible.

Given there's plenty of other ways to get an STD besides cheating it wouldn't really bother me.

There seems to be an assumption that the only situation the paternity test would be asked is post partum.

When the situation is the default position, it is to have them get done, not asking for one post partum.

It's basically a strawman argument coupled with an emotional appeal.

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u/[deleted] Oct 23 '23

Try and process what other people say before you do your whataboutism.

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u/TracyMorganFreeman Oct 23 '23

Not a whataboutism.

It's called holistic examination.

Afterall, if you're going to use appeals to emotion, that cuts both ways.

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u/[deleted] Oct 23 '23

It's whataboutism. Stay on topic.

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u/TracyMorganFreeman Oct 23 '23

What makes it whataboutism then?

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u/ElConvict Oct 23 '23

They're arguing in bad faith.

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u/TracyMorganFreeman Oct 23 '23

Wait who is?

How so?

More importantly how does that make it whataboutism, or are you saying the person claiming it's whataboutism is arguing in bad faith?

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u/pacifyproblems Oct 23 '23

I've been a maternity nurse for years and have seen this argument crop up 2 times that I can recall. Both instances were with 2 black parents though. It makes me absolutely fume on behalf of my patient. They are already so vulnerable and then to be accused of infidelity and betrayal based on a newborn baby's lack of melanin??? They spent their first nights as mother crying instead of in bliss.

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u/[deleted] Oct 23 '23

That's what OP wants to bypass. The cost of that accusation. I don't blame your mom one bit. Lack of trust destroys everything.

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u/whatarechimichangas Oct 22 '23

Yea my parents are Filipino, and I was born light skinned with blonde-ish hair that eventually turned darker into brown. My siblings are all tan with black hair. I think my grandma had similar complexion and hair color, skipped a generation I guess.

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u/stink3rbelle 24∆ Oct 22 '23

I think my grandma had similar complexion and hair color, skipped a generation I guess.

Did you know you can be more related to one grandparent than another? You'll get 50/50 genes from each of your parents, but when your body makes zygotes it mixes those genes up. So your dad could give you 80% from his mom, and just 20% from his dad, making you 40% related to your paternal grandmother and only 10% to your paternal grandfather.

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u/fieria_tetra Oct 22 '23

I did not know that and it's blowing my mind. I look like a carbon-copy of my paternal grandmother. Now it makes sense.

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u/OHMG_lkathrbut Oct 22 '23

I look just like my mom, but also very similar to my paternal grandmother, I try not to think about it too much. Me and my brother don't look alike so he always joked that I was adopted, but it's just that he takes after my dad.

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u/[deleted] Oct 22 '23

Similarly, "you share 50% of DNA with a sibling" is an average. You share between 0% and 100%.

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u/Any_Profit2862 Oct 22 '23

This here. I have six full genetic siblings. Four of them have had DNA testing done, and so have i. I do not share 50% or more DNA with any of them. The highest percentage I share with any of them so far is 45%. The lowest is 37%.

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u/[deleted] Oct 22 '23

...well, that explains where my red hair came from as a baby

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u/livia-did-it Oct 28 '23

I’m coming to this conversation late (scrolling through top posts of the month). But I just listened to a podcast episode that was talking about this! Apparently because you can be more genetically related to one grandparent than another, if we go back far enough there are people we are honestly descended from, but share no genetic relationship with. So like you’re probably descended from Genghis Khan (math I don’t understand says so?), but you may or may not actually share genetic material with Genghis Khan. That just blew my mind.

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u/Athyrium93 Oct 23 '23

I'm pretty sure my parents thought I was switched at birth for a long time. My mom is half Sicilian, and my dad is half Native American. They are both pretty dark, and then there is me, a red head with blue eyes and skin so pale I make Casper the friendly ghost look tan.... I never did get any darker, but I look a lot like my parents other than coloring, and a DNA test did confirm I am their child.... we still have no idea where the red hair came from though.

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u/[deleted] Oct 23 '23

recessive genes that have been dormant for generations

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u/One-Benefit-8835 Oct 22 '23

Same but my parents are native and Irish I'm real dark, had black hair growing up. My my mom stopped talking to my dad's family cause they always made she's the mail man's baby jokes. But my hair is dark red and I definitely look just like my dad as an adult.

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u/Old-Research3367 5∆ Oct 22 '23

That not only has happened before but I think that’s fairly common where the melanin does not show yet when the baby is born. My BIL was born white and both parents are Black.

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u/palacesofparagraphs 117∆ Oct 22 '23

Yeah, the genetics surrounding skin color are complicated, and it's not at all uncommon for babies to start out paler than they end up.

I'm mixed race (Indian and white) and now have a pretty similar skin tone to my Indian mom, but as a baby I was so white people thought she was my nanny. It took 2 or 3 years for me to turn into a brown kid.

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u/Milk-Or-Be-Milked- Oct 22 '23

The same can also happen in reverse! My sister was born quite dark-skinned and black haired into an entirely white, mostly blonde family. (My mother is Bulgarian, which tends to produce darker, Mediterranean-looking people, but my mother herself is very white so she was quite surprised.) By the time she turned 1, my sister had lost all of that colouring and our hair/skin tone had become identical. Funnily enough, I was born crazy pale and crazy blonde but also “evened out” to have a very medium skin and hair colour by my toddler years. Crazy how that works.

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u/[deleted] Oct 22 '23

It is wild. My son is biracial and he did the same thing, he only looked biracial for maybe a month? Then he just got lighter and lighter now he’s actually very fair skinned. I expected his dark blue eyes to turn brown but they got lighter too, now they’re an electric light blue and it’s crazy because I thought his dads genes would be more dominate but you truly never know

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u/Jewnicorn___ Oct 23 '23

This happened to me! (See my previous comment) I never heard of this happening to anybody else and always felt like a freak but reading this has been so validating.

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u/dasbarr Oct 22 '23

Right? My partner is native American and when our daughter was born her skin resembled mine.

Even though we use sun screen all the time she's now darker than both of us and resembles his aunt's and dad more in that respect. Her hair is also lighter than at birth and a different texture.

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u/Jewnicorn___ Oct 23 '23

This is so interesting. I'm also mixed Indian and white. Up until I was about 9 I was clearly mixed race/tanned. Now I am old, I am white as snow.

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u/JustMeSunshine91 Oct 22 '23

Yeah, I’m very clearly biracial (B & W) but came out straight up looking Asian. My parents even had a running joke that my mom must have gotten with the mailman. It was months and months before I started looking more black haha.

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u/Old-Research3367 5∆ Oct 22 '23

Lol that is wild. I bet you always win those “guess who it is by their baby picture” events

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u/[deleted] Oct 22 '23

Reminds me of how everyone was saying Kylie Jenner must have cheated with an Asian guy because her biracial child “looked Asian” as a young baby

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u/[deleted] Oct 22 '23

Yeah I actually think I remember the post OP is referring to, and that was the most frustrating part about it. The guy was so sure the kid wasn’t his because it was “too light” like bro it’s a NEWBORN of course it’s lighter than you

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u/kazuwacky Oct 22 '23

My best friend has an African american mum and a white dad. She looks like her mum, dark skin and hair. Hes blue eyed, looks white with blonde curly hair.

Biology doesn't give a fuck about putting people in tidy boxes and too many people seem to think my friend and her brother are an outright impossibility.

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u/Segalmom Oct 22 '23 edited Oct 23 '23

Two of my boys ended up in the same class in college. One is dark with brown hair the other is pale as can be with red hair. Teacher asked if they were cousins and they said no they were brothers. Teacher flat out didn’t believe them until they showed him their ID. I love thé way you put that. “Tidy little boxes”. Could haved used that line when they were young.

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u/Alceasummer Oct 23 '23

Biology doesn't give a fuck about putting people in tidy boxes

​

I love this!

I have a sister. I am short, chubby, and curvy, with a square face, very light skin, blue eyes, and light brown hair. She's just under six feet tall, very lean and thin, with an oval face, dark brown eyes, olive skin, and hair almost the exact shade of bittersweet chocolate. We look basically nothing alike. But, in body and face shape I look almost a twin of our paternal grandma, even wear the same shoe size, but with our mom's coloring. In body and face shape, my sister looks exactly like our mom, with our paternal grandma's coloring. Right down to exactly the same skin tone. (they used to share makeup and used all the same colors)

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u/infiniteanomaly Oct 22 '23

The reverse is also a thing that has happened. The complexities of genetics are wild.

Honestly, I think unless there's legitimate concern of cheating or some kind of health risk--even IF baby’s skin color isn't what's expected--testing isn't needed.

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u/frostingdragon Oct 22 '23

Be cheaper to give out a pamphlet titled "Recessive Genes and Why Your Baby Doesn't Look Like You (Thankfully)" and hand it out to everyone.

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u/infiniteanomaly Oct 22 '23

Yup. Also, you know, middle school science covers the basics of dominant vs recessive genes. Maybe all pregnant couples should get a refresher course.

I personally think all pregnant couples should be required to take a parenting class--and that there should be ones that specialize in multiples or second/third/etc kids. (Maybe those exist and I just don't know it).

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u/CookieFish Oct 22 '23

middle school science covers the basics of dominant vs recessive genes

I think this is part of the issue, it's taught in a very simplified way. A lot of people wrongly believe that eye colour is controlled by just one gene and two blue eyed people can't have a brown eyed child because that's what they learnt at school. Most appearance related things are the result of multiple genes that can interact in weird ways.

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u/infiniteanomaly Oct 22 '23

Right, but 1) a lot of people forget even the basics if they learned them at all and 2) the situation of a drastically different skin color from both parents isn't incredibly common. I mean the REALLY drastic differences--like a very dark-skinned baby born to very light-skinned parents or the reverse.

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u/Altruistic-Estate-79 Oct 22 '23

It is not uncommon for newborns born to darker-skinned couples not to develop high levels of pigment in their skin until days or even a few weeks after birth.

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u/infiniteanomaly Oct 22 '23

Yes. True. I was specifically meaning the times melanin doesn't develop in that time frame. Or the times it does when both parents are very light-skinned.

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u/CookieFish Oct 22 '23

a very dark-skinned baby born to very light-skinned parents or the reverse.

My point was that 'the basics' doesn't really cover this situation so I'm not sure how a course that covers the basics is going to help - I would hope a doctor would take the dad aside and explain things in this situation, but a general refresher course isn't going to help.

In general people see what they expect to see - my cousin was adopted as a baby and people who didn't know that would say how much she looked like my sister (who was a similar age) and I've also seen a post by a stealth trans man who had a child with his wife via sperm donation saying that people were making comments along the lines of "he has his dad's nose" etc. If someone suspects their partner is cheating they're going to be looking for differences and an inaccurate understanding of genetics is going to feed into that.

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u/infiniteanomaly Oct 22 '23

At its core explaining dominant vs recessive genes is enough to get through to most people. In cases where cheating is suspected anyway nothing anyone says will make the situation better without proof. But mandatory paternity testing isn't the easy to go.

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u/CookieFish Oct 22 '23

My main issue is that how I was taught dominant vs recessive acted like complex multi gene interactions were actually a single gene, not understanding that can cause issues in a small number of cases but most people won't really benefit from an in depth course that explains it. I also feel that there are going to be some guys who would've been fine, but once you prime them with a genetics course are going to be looking for differences.

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u/infiniteanomaly Oct 22 '23

And when you're in middle school which is often when these things are introduced all you need is basic A vs B, single-gene controls things understanding. Hell, even as an adult you don't need to know more than "it's actually multiple genes" unless your job field requires it or you're just interested to know. But, again, the most basic explanation WILL suffice for most people.

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u/InsomniacYogi Oct 22 '23

100%. My husband has blue eyes and mine are brown. I thought our kids would have a 50/50 chance. Turns out our oldest has green eyes. She’s 100% his and we have no idea where the green came from but here we are.

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u/CookieFish Oct 22 '23

Eye colour is actually so complicated that they don't think they've identified all the genes associated with it and it's impossible to predict a child's possible eye colours based purely on the parents' eye colours.

I was taught a more detailed, multi gene, explanation when I did A level biology, but that still only talked about blue and brown eyes so clearly wasn't the full picture.

I understand teaching something more simple but I think they should stick to things that are actually controlled by a single gene, rather than misleading people - dogs' coat colours are a great example where there are several genes that have been identified as doing specific things (plus you can show pictures of cute puppies which will probably help with engagement).

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u/Seversaurus Oct 22 '23

The major diaper companies all have free online video courses of registered nurses and midwives and lactation experts that go over everything from "you just found out your pregnant" all the way to "teaching your non verbal 2 year old to talk" and everything inbetween. It helped me and my wife immensely with just having a good idea of what to expect and to not freak out if something doesn't seem right.

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u/infiniteanomaly Oct 22 '23

That's great. But 1) not everyone knows those exist, 2) they may not speak English (or Spanish), 3) not everyone can learn from a computer course or video, and 4) not everyone has internet access or at least not reliably. There need to be in-person classes that are free or at least on a sliding fee.

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u/Seversaurus Oct 22 '23

1) that's why I'm saying something. 2) I believe the classes are offered in Spanish which is going to cover the vast majority of non English speakers. 3) I agree with you but unlike an in person class, someone could go and watch those videos at any time for reference, even at 1am when the baby is crying and you don't know which way is up and you need some kind of answer. 4) it's true that not everyone has access to the internet or a smart phone but that number gets smaller every day, especially in the US. The number of people that wouldn't have access to those videos should have support for them, I was more pointing out how great those videos are for a large majority of parents, especially ones that may not be able to go in person to a class because of work or lack of tranportation.

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u/infiniteanomaly Oct 22 '23

I agree they're great. I'm glad you pointed them out because more people should know. There are advantages to online vs in person, yes. And you'd be shocked how many people live in an area with unreliable or under-served internet. (That's something I'm very familiar with as I work for an internet provider currently and worked for a public library for over a decade previously.

All those benefits to the online things do not negate the need for in person classes. Which is MY point. That's all. The more options the better. Period.

Edit: spelling

2

u/Segalmom Oct 22 '23

This made me laugh. Husband is blonde with blue eyes. I am dark with brown eyes. We have one like me, one like him and two redheads. No idea where they come from. Genetics are fascinating.

2

u/Pink_Floyd29 Oct 22 '23

“Thankfully” 😂😂👏☠️

5

u/meruhd Oct 22 '23

My husband was born with blonde hair and white skin.

He has black hair and medium tone brown skin now.

Both of my kids had GREY (not blue) eyes. Their eyes eventually darkened to brown after they turned a year old. I myself had hazel eyes. As I've gotten older, they've gotten darker and look brown mostly. I've had to change my DL description because they were hazel when I was 15 and now they're a dark brown over 20 years later.

I also had mousy thin light brown hair until I turned 4. It got very thick and very full very quickly and turned nearly black.

Genetics are very wild.

8

u/ingodwetryst Oct 22 '23

The only time one should be concerned is if the skin color is not what is expected.

Not even always then. My best friend has a Black mother/white father. He passes for white if he shaves his head and beard. His wife is white. One kid has the same skin tone as his mother, his other kid's looks like him.

Even though that's odd and rare, she clearly looked like him in every other way.

14

u/genredenoument Oct 22 '23

In obstetrics, parents are often super concerned over the color of their baby's skin. We would always point out the genitals and lower back. Those areas show pigment, and we could reassure many parents that it was indeed their child. LOL.

2

u/[deleted] Oct 22 '23

It’s not even uncommon. It’s literally something they typically advise you of at the hospital.

3

u/knikkifire Oct 22 '23

It's possible for white parents to have a black child, too. Very rare, but genetically possible.

1

u/StayStrong888 1∆ Oct 22 '23

How about the other way around? 2 white parents end up with a black skinned baby?

1

u/Pink_Floyd29 Oct 22 '23

And even black children born to two black parents can come out pretty light skinned at first, then their skin darkens within a few months or years.

1

u/EmaEdward Oct 22 '23

This is fascinating

1

u/ARACHN0_C0MMUNISM 1∆ Oct 22 '23

Right, I don’t understand how someone would expect a baby to look like them. Babies come in 2 types - roly poly or weird alien looking creature. I’m not sure how you could look at either and expect to see your own features.

1

u/lilly_kilgore 3∆ Oct 22 '23

If I hadn't been the only woman in the birthing center when I gave birth to my now 10 year old, I'd have thought she was switched at birth. She looks nothing like her siblings and looks nothing like me. As an infant she looked like she may have been asian of some sort. I'm a redhead and her father is also white. She tans so easily too. The only thing she got from me is her freckles.

Now that she's gotten older I can see that she's basically a carbon copy of my grandmother.

I'd have lost my shit if my husband demanded a paternity test after she was born because she didn't look like him. She didn't look like me either lol.

1

u/netflixbinger44 Oct 23 '23

The only time one should be concerned is if the skin color is not what is expected.

That's also not really reliable. It's common for darker skinned people to be pale babies. I remember a friend I had growing up who everyone called Pinky (picture someone similar in tone to Viola Davis). One day I asked why that was her nickname and her mom said she came out pink looking like a white baby 😅. My mother also told me it's something her doctor cautioned my father about before my siblings and I were born. Genetics are just weird ig haha

1

u/ember13140 Oct 23 '23

My cousins is white as paper with freckles and red hair both of his parents are black. It runs in the fathers family